I was never worth the worry..
Today's the first day I haven't woken up with a hangover, since I left LA. I'd like to say I feel good, but I'd be lying. I called Elijah last night and then spent the rest of the night lying awake watching Dom sleep, and thinking things over.
I've hurt so many people the last few weeks and I don't know how to fix it. Seems everything I say or do only confuses everyone more so. Ligha blames himself for everything, Dom's stuck in the middle not knowing what the fucks going on. And me.. I just want to turn back time and then hide away for a few hundred years.
So what's happened? I wish I could get here and say I knew, because I don't. It's a mixture of things, a few of which I have spoken to Dom and Elijah about.
The two things that always keep coming back to me are the friendship we have. AND the jealously I felt seeing Dom and Elijah together that day. Now this is another thing I don't understand, why was I jealous? Was I jealous because it was Dom and Elijah together, or was it because I wasn't involved, or maybe it was because it was.. Dom 'with' Elijah, not Dom with 'me'. I'm not making much sense and I've no clue why I'm typing this out.
Wait, yes I do. I thought typing this out may help me to make sense of whats going on. Pitty it's not working..
Maybe I should start from the start huh..
When I first met Dom, there were no funny stories to tell, no sappy words exchanged, nothing. It was like two long lost friends meeting up after a life time of being apart.......... it all just happened...... perfectly.
We became like Merry and Pippin, always together, causing mischief, running amuck, he knows more of me then my own sister.... I look back now and can see it from day one, we fit well with each other and I suppose it was only a matter of time before we became more then, just good friends.
But in saying that I don't remember how 'being more then just good friends' came about. I know it happened about 2 years ago and I know that he made me feel wanted and genuinally cared for and most importantly happy. He still makes me feel that way, and that's why I'm confused over everything. I'm worried that if something does happen, I'll lose him - and that would kill me.
Then we have Elijah. He was one of the first of the fellowship I met (besides Orlando of course). I took him under my wing so to speak, he was so young when he arrived and I know he had a hard time being so far away from his family and friends. He was sweet and innocent and I felt I needed to protect him, I still do. Even though the age difference between us is great, he always made me feel like I was the only person alive on the face of the earth when he spoke and he's so wise beyond his years. We could sit and talk for hours and hours about everything and anything.
The night on the beach.. I had sobered up a lot before we went outside that night, I knew what I was doing.. I knew what I was saying.. I don't know if I was doing it because the timing was right, or if I wanted something else to happen, or whatever.. But it happened. It happened and I don't regret it, the only thing I regret is confusing Elijah. He's had feelings for Dom for so long now, I've sensed it for a while but never really knew until recently.
I don't know how I came up with the idea of the three of us being 'together', and I sure as hell don't know how I thought it could possibly happen. But now typing this out.. thinking about it seriously, I suppose the idea came about when I first heard he and Dom had a 'thing' happening during filming in New Zealand. It never occurred to me that he was into guys, don't know why but, yeah. I'd watch them together and find myself wondering what it would be like being with both of them together - they are like chalk and cheese, completely different not only in looks but personalities as well. The thought of it has kept my imagination running rampant for all these years.
I never let on that I was thinking this sort of stuff. I kept it to myself until Orlando's party, lord only knows why I decided to bring it up - maybe it was the drink talking then??
My minds telling me to wake up and smell the coffee. I cant compete with him. Why would anyone want to be with me. Why do I want to ruin the friendship I have with these two guys for the sake of a quick thrill.
But then on the other hand my dicks telling me to do it, go out and fuck them both and enjoy it. It's probably the only time in my life I'll get to do something like this.
Fuck.. I wish I didn't have a conscious..
I wish I could turn back time.
I wish I could say sorry without breaking down.
I wish my heart was made of stone.