FFF- related: THE SPOT
You stare at the spot and freeze not even knowing why exactly you’re feeling so dumbfounded right now. Why are you making such a big deal about a white-grayish spot on your dark blue sheet? It’s not as if it’s something dirty or ugly or as if the laundry has done a poor job. No! It’s just that your man masturbates when you’re not around. So what? Not that you hadn’t done this yourself countless times especially in the beginning of your relationship when your mutual attraction and desire was almost unbearable and you didn’t know how to get through your days without him, without jumping him, hugging him, kissing him, touching, grabbing him all the time. You’d wanted to be everywhere he was. That time both of you redefined the meaning of “to be crazy about someone”. What a time! Those were crazy, incredible days, both of you had never felt like this, yet had been ripped out of time and space ejected out of your normal life and irresistibly drawn towards each other. Anyway, it had been a hilariously great time and you’ve never felt more alive.
You and him - you’re good together, you were so good for eight years.
What did he have in his mind when he touched himself, was he thinking of you, of you touching him? Usually he is careful and tidy and never leaves his side of the bed rumpled, thoughtlessly unmade. At least he usually smooths it down a bit. Not this time though, he must have been tossing around given the crumpled up sheets.
He had to leave for his conference not before noon and he knows you’re coming home today. Or does he not? Have you told him when you’re getting back? You’re not sure anymore. Maybe you’ve forgotten to tell him.
You’ve forgotten quite a bit lately - he on the other side doesn’t forget anything even if he’s ‘bragging’ about forgetting anniversaries and other “marginal stuff” - but he’s never forgotten your birthday, not once, nor Katie’s, nor Jacob’s.
Well, he hasn’t asked when you’re heading back from New York. You both haven’t asked questions lately, and you both haven’t talked much during your stay in New York at all.
Well you’ve been busy and he has been busy as always. And life was busy and you’re a settled couple and even the most heated things chill down in time and that’s good or else the both of would have fucked each other’s brains out - literally and not only figuratively. It was inevitable that the crazy passion of your first years has finally have given place to a regular but less frantic sex-life.
But maybe things have chilled down too much. Maybe you’ve both developed a kind of lukewarmness that isn’t healthy anymore yet killing. Killing the best things between the two of you. Or maybe not killing but lulling them to sleep.
The craziest thing of all? You know he loves you; he loves you so much that his feelings for you are still scaring him sometimes, that you don’t know if he’s desperately or passionately screaming your name sometimes when he comes - maybe it’s both.
Correction of tense!
It WAS both!
The last times you slept together he’s been strangely quiet, reserved, observing and alert!
You know why. You don’t have to play dumb when he’s not around.
You scratch at his dried cum and…and…take in the bed you share with him:
Your bedside is untouched, even your pillow is in its proper place. That’s new.
There is so much new currently.
You sit down, finally, your bones are so tired feeling almost arthritic as if you’re an old man.
So he’s jerked off but hasn’t hugged your pillow with his left arm. He usually does that. Hugging your pillow is one of those habits you use to love so much about him! But he didn’t do it this time, your pillow is still fluffed just the way it looked five days ago - the way you left your bed neatly made.
You sigh and exhale slowly, deeply.
Has he turned his back to your side of the bed while doing to himself what you hadn’t for too long?
You feel so helpless and scared right now.
When did that happen? That you stopped knowing what was going on with your man?
When did he stop calling you at night when he feels lonely and needs your company and your “assistance” - even if only over the phone?
When did he stop trying?
Because you know he tried.
He tried as much as he could. Well, you know his limits regarding doing romantic gestures, and he’s overstepped them countless times - for you, and for you only.
He’s tried to reach out for you.
He has tried.
But has he finally given up trying? Has he resigned because you didn’t answer his calls?
Feeling as if a huge fist is squeezing the crap out of you, you reach down and grab Reid’s pillow and press it tightly against your face that you almost can’t breathe.
You smell him.
You inhale his scent.
He usually showers before going to bed. So the bedclothes smell like him, fresh and herbal and - real. When Reid came into your life you suddenly felt so alive, awakened.
And since this very minute you’ve refused to think about the possibility of losing him.
You don’t even know if he’s gotten there safely.
Shit!
Rochester.
He hasn’t talked much about the conference there.
He hates Rochester, but if the Mayo clinic calls…
Of course he has to go there. He’s to uphold a reputation.
You smell him and close your eyes.
The two of you have a weird share out.
In bed Reid is mostly the one calling the shots.
But in the shower it’s always you in charge since he has this strange habit taking really hot showers and afterwards he gets boneless and is putty in your hands. And you love Reid submissively and eagerly offering his body to meet and suck in your dick.
In seconds his almost baby-like scent changes into something different, virile and primal and then you gently rub him clean afterwards. And sometimes he leans into you and sighs and you hold him and whisper unintelligible things into his ear and he answers by leaning even closer.
You smell him.
And you miss him.
You’ve forgotten to miss him lately but you do now.
Now you miss him so much that it hurts.
What’s he doing right now? You know him - he surely isn’t out for dinner with colleagues; you pray he isn’t hanging out in a bar. You don’t want him to sit alone in a bar in Rochester wondering what’s going on with you and him - if there is still an “us”.
You know him… don’t you?
You and he need to talk. Soon!
Well it’s not too late to call him.
11:30
Reid Oliver, I can’t take your call right now…
You almost drop the phone…
He’s changed the greeting…deleted the one you’ve taped for him - ages ago. This is Dr. Reid Oliver’s phone; he can’t answer your call right now, but…
Reid Oliver, I can’t take your call right now…
When has he done that - and why?
Suddenly his leftover-spot seems mocking you…when exactly was the last time the two of you slept together anyway?
He jacked off and didn’t bother to leave the evidence.
You know it’s not only about getting off.
In the beginning you didn’t believe it but you quickly figured out that he needs physical intimacy to feel safe, to know that you (still) love him.
You wonder what’s going on in that complicated brain of his and in his big vulnerable heart.
Man! The last time he’d forced you to enter him without being prepared. It must have hurt like hell but he shrugged your concerns off.
It had been weird.
He had been very weird lately but you even more.
You’ve been sticking your head in the sand.
If you think about it you must admit that life draws huge letters writing on the wall, the literal wall in front of you that has blocked your clear view lately.
Sometimes humans are stubbornly ignoring everything that would make them see the light.
And in your own case life hasn’t gone easy with throwing pebbles at your window at night trying to keep you alert … to point out that something was going on with you and your man.
That something was threatening the best thing you ever had in life.
And that this ‘something’ was you yourself!
But as if you were determined to run around with a metaphorical felt cap pulled over your ears muffling the unmistakable noises indicating that you should wake up eventually, you ignored every warning.
You didn’t hear anything, you didn’t see anything - you seemed to live in a parallel universe, blocking out that there is someone, the only one who matters right now, close to you who is about to slip through your fingers. You realize you considered the Luke and Reid concept as a given.
Or at least you hallucinated it to be a given.
Not that you’re meant to be the first person suddenly drowning in work, running a company, a foundation and who was just about to take over your grandmother’s concern.
And not that you’re meant to be the first person suddenly developing feelings for a man who isn’t the one you live with for years now and you do love living with him, that hasn’t changed although you’re aware that you have been good at hiding it lately.
Yet you aren’t disloyal and you definitely are not an ordinary cheater, so you fought the attraction and the ingratiation and you won. You waited as long as it took to make it go away.
But it took you quite a while.
And meanwhile your man is on a lonely trip to a strange universe.
You know him, don’t you?
You know him inside out.
But the both of you have lost touch.
Objection!
You’ve lost touch.
You can’t even remember when the two of you had a proper conversation or a nice dinner together or a lazy TV-night curled up into each other, he feeding you with popcorn pretending he’d eat most but actually leaving you the bigger part.
And when was the last time you laughed together - so hard that you gasped for breath and he showed his happiest smile because he was so proud of making you laugh?
What if he’s back to his old mechanisms? Backing away, shutting him away because it’s the only way he can deal with his fear, his pain?
You should have realized he’s in pain!
You were a coward turning away from his questioning gaze, his awkward approaches, even his anger.
You are supposed to know what your actions and non-actions are doing to your man!
Because he’s tried.
He’s tried to revive former times, to rekindle parts of your amazing beginnings.
… Oscar Wilde’s collected works for your birthday…
…he showing up at the foundation bringing you lunch because you worked so hard and forgot about eating sometimes.
…and…
His intensifying kisses, his smiles - more and more insecure…
But he fought for you - you see it now…
“What about getting out of here for the weekend - just the two of us?”
“Where? What do you have in mind?”
“A trip to New York? I don’t know as long as we make some time for us…”
“Sure - nice idea, but maybe not this month... there is so much left I have to concentrate on right now…”
God, you’d deliberately avoided looking at him, knowing his disappointed expression too well.
In the end Casey of all your friends approached you:
“How is it going?”
Apparently he didn’t believe you claiming to be okay.
“And your better half?”
“What about him?”
“HE definitely doesn’t seem to be ‘okay’ lately.”
You flinched in response looking down, not knowing what to say.
You knew the two of you were slithering on thin ice and you had been the one frosting your common ground.
“It’s just...I’ve a lot on my plate right now, it will get better soon.”
“Hmm …Brian Bering strikes me a bit too over-sized to fit on a plate, especially your plate that’s supposed to be saved for someone else…”
“Casey…nothing happened between Brian and me and never will. Since I’ve spotted his nostril hair whatever I imagined to feel for him is gone anyway…”
Chuckling you tried to defuse your friend’s concern.
“Does Reid know about this?”
“Reid and I have a commitment and he knows I won’t cheat on him.”
“Does he know that like knowing abstract algebra or does he KNOW?”
“Casey!”
“I’m just saying, Luke. Just saying! Be careful!”
And today Case picked you up from the airport - unexpectedly.
Coming home you finally enter your bedroom to get some rest and process the information Casey has delivered.
“Has he actually never told you about the time Dr. Nuri was hitting on him?”
“Who did what now?”
“Morris has it bad for Reid…”
“What?”
Morris Nuri - every nurse’s and pregnant woman’s crush hitting on Reid?
“So he never told you? I thought so. I learned about it because I was forced to eavesdrop once.
You remember when Maddy was in the hospital while pregnant with Lucius? Well Reid stopped by and we had a nice talk - you know how much they like each other.
Well he was gone when Maddy wanted to ask him something so I went after him and already heard him in the hall: ‘Damn, Nuri, back off! I AM NOT interested. Why don’t you get that? I have a partner and you can only dream of playing in his league. So would you please leave me alone?’
I watched Dr. Nuri leave Reid’s office and he didn’t look good!”
The information hit you first. Hit you and made you angry. But then it dawned on you.
What would have happened if Reid had told you about the handsome gynecologist making a move on him? You would have started to compare yourself with Morris Nuri and in your head you would have lost the competition and felt insecure and inferior and finally came to result it was only a matter of time that Reid realized your shortcomings and would leave you.
So you haven’t to ask why Reid kept it to himself.
Oh Reid!
And then you detect the spot.
The telltale dried little spot on the sheet.
In all those years the two of you were together you’d never detected a spot you wouldn’t have contributed.
The spot refuses to go away.
Again - what’s the big deal?
Your man released himself, not a surprise since sex is important to him.
And for you.
So why don’t you have sex currently?
And you know it’s not his fault.
It’s not Reid who’s screwed things up this time.
But that’s not making you feel better right now - even worse if anything.
Still trying to scare away the small grey-white spotty remnants telling about your man’s loneliness at night you suddenly remember him waving the red flag in front of your nose, not deliberately, but it had been there - unmissable:
You haven’t seen him eat for weeks.
…Nah, I had dinner with Bob…
…Sorry, but I grabbed a bite at Al’s…
…Thanks, I am not hungry…
Why is he there in Rochester again?
You presumed he’s attending a conference, but what did he say exactly?
Shit!
You grab your notebook and load the Mayo clinic…
There isn’t any announcement regarding a conference…
What is he doing there then?
You know he’s there, you’ve seen his ticket and the hotel reservation lying on the sideboard…
You scroll down.
There it is … they are extending their neurology department...looking for …
You’re up in the split of a second and jog down to his office rummaging around his desk…and you find it, you know him so well, he didn’t try to hide it, it’s in his “to do” - file.
“Dear Dr. Oliver!”
They’ve contacted him offering him the chief of staff position! They are still after him - after all those years. Offering amazing conditions…
Well times are long gone when they asked him to share an office with a colleague.
Of course they try, his reputation is fantastic and he’s only 43, still young for a neurosurgeon.
The realization hits you - how could it not.
Reid is in Rochester for a job interview!
Midnight!
Reid Oliver, I can’t take your call right now…
He hates Rochester!
He hates Minnesota!
He’s giving up the both of you - maybe he’d already ordered the requiem.
Knowing him you’re sure he tried to ignore the changes in the beginning but now he seemed to have accepted having lost you.
Although he’d asked you what was going on after that terrible fight he didn’t talk to you anymore except exchanging truisms in weeks.
While he still tried to seduce you a few months ago he doesn’t approach you anymore.
Au contraire he’s avoiding touching you at all. So he touches himself.
When you came home he already slept or pretended to sleep - you don’t even know.
And in the morning - no matter how early you get up - he is gone already heading to Memorial, the only place he probably feels safe right now.
While he stared Brian Bering down during that damn opening of the new company building he doesn’t look at you anymore.
Reid Oliver, I can’t take your call right now…
He’s changed the message; he’s deleted your voice…
He’s deleted your snapshot years ago…
But this time it’s different, very different. It’s worse.
You know if he quit this time it’s for good.
Where are you?
…
Answer your fucking cell, Reid!
…
Damn, Reid!
…
I know I’ve fucked things up…
We need to talk, Reid! You can’t keep ignoring my calls for ever!
But when Reid Oliver is pissed he can do a lot of things and
when Reid Oliver is hurt he is capable of doing the strangest things
And if he is desperate he tends to freak out…
Of course you can’t sit here, twiddling your thumbs while Reid is in the middle of creating a fait accompli that could destroy the both of you in the end.
Whatever.
Even if he’s given up - you aren’t going to join him swansinging that unusual love that was so good for so long and suddenly you know you have to get your butt in gear and make up for your mental escape having misled you to have a look at Brian Bering more than twice.
“What are you doing here?”
He stares at you as if you’re a stranger.
“We need to talk - !”
His eyes are made of the coldest blue you’ve ever seen…
“No shit!”
Well he has every right to be pissed and sarcastic.
“How did you manage to get in here?”
“800 bucks…”
You are too tired to color your dark side right now, he knows it anyway.
“Reid you know we have to talk, so…”
You see the change in his face, his posture, his sarcasm grabs his strength by the hand and both leave him simultaneously.
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There it is …
The Talk
There he looks as if he’s preparing himself for the ultimate punishment. As if he’s losing each and every illusion and fantasy he ever had - if any.
You know he considers himself being a realist so presumably he’s trying to convince himself that such things happen and there’s nothing he can do about it except what he's tried already .
But his realism doesn’t seem to do a good job.
He looks as if he is forced to walk around in the open air with no skin left covering what’s left from him.
You practically hear him discussing, rationalizing internally:
…At least you mean something in the world of medicine.
They are still greedy to get you… offered you everything under the sun -
“So talk!”
He finally agrees to have the talk.
“What did the Mayo offer you?”
“Just say it, Luke, SAY it!”
“…well we both know that things weren’t the way they should be…”
“Just say it and spare me that…’we’ve grown apart’ crap…because it’s not true, Luke, we didn’t grow apart, you decided to…whatever. Anyway - I am not going to make it even easier for you than I already did. You have to say it out loud, you not me.”
Of course he’s expecting the worst. Only in the operating room Reid is an optimist, usually he’s a deep-rooted pessimist. Sometimes you wonder from where he’d gotten the guts keeping up with your crazy beginnings, you moving an inch forwards and jumping backwards half a mile afterwards.
“Please, tell me, what do they offer?”
Somehow you have to hear it from him.
Reid is still Reid, so he doesn’t talk around the facts:
“The COS position, but I already declined……too much administration… it’s killing me at Memorial … and compared to the Mayo Memorial is a mom-and-pop-shop… Casey’s offered to learn the ropes of hospital politics and administration to take that pressure off, but since he and I had that talk things have changes as we both know, so …anyway - I promised to consider the head of the neuro-unit position…but I haven’t made a decision so far.”
He doesn’t point out that you’re trying to change the subject; it’s obvious he’s too tired to “play rhethorics”.
It’s amazing how his babbling carries you away - even after all the time.
Yet you have to know how far he’s gone with ‘running away’:
“So if you’re actually considering moving to Rochester - what about Katie and Jacob …
(quite apart from me...you crave adding but you know you mustn’t mention yourself right now, since you’re the only reason he’s considering moving to Rochester at all.)
You look at your man taking him in. He looks so tired, exhausted, pale, and it seems he’s even lost the little physical reserves he’s had before. He’s almost losing the grey slacks you’ve chosen for him last year. God he’s become so skinny.
You see him swallow - several times before he raises his hands and rubs his face before finding an answer:
“We talked about it. Jacob is old enough to spend the holidays with me if he wants and Katie promised to stay in touch.”
You know you have no right to be upset…of course he’d discuss things with Katie. But why hasn’t Katie interfered? Katie interfered in other people’s her whole life…and now that her best friend’s and his relationship was at a risk she is as mute as a fish? Weird! Maybe Reid has threatened her “to break up with her”.
And you also know you aren’t in the place to blame him.
“But you hate Rochester, you hate Minnesota…”
He doesn’t take the bait:
“Well if you have to choose between worst and beyond worst…”
“So are you ready to do this? End things and move to Rochester out of my life for good?”
Suddenly Reid doesn't seem to know what to do, where to sit since you are occupying his bed in his hotel room so many miles away from home. You’re sure there is really nothing left in his stomach he could throw up but suddenly he swallows and chokes anyway.
“Reid…”
“No, Luke, I am not ready, I am not ready at all and I don’t want to be ready to give up on us … and I’ll probably never be - except I don’t seem to have much of a choice. Because I am not going to stand by and watch you and that slimy wannabe Picasso playing the great painter and his muse…”
“Please sit with me, Reid. It’s not the way it looks like…”.
“Luke, quit it! …I knew the moment you fervently started defending ‘his stunning art’ that I am losing you…I can’t compete with ‘artists’ - I don’t have their ’visions’ except perfecting neurosurgery and growing old with you I have no visions at all - and for the most part I am an ordinary man, Luke and if you’re still pining for higher purposes…I am the wrong guy for you then.”
Although you’re aware of this is a key moment you want to smile.
“No, Luke, I am not ready, I am not ready at all and I don’t want to be ready to give up on us … and I’ll probably never be…”
Reid doesn’t do epic declarations of love, doesn’t write Odes to love but in his own unique simple way he says the nicest things, true things, honest things.
“You might not believe it right now, Reid, yes you’re right I admired Brian in the first place and I still admire his work, but I never questioned you and me, Reid. You are my person that didn’t change and not even a 100 Brian Berings could change that. I admit his advances and flatteries were nice to hear and there were moments I thought I had feelings for him but they flew away before they had a chance to gain substance. I do know that I neglected you in the process and ignored you’re attempts to make amends…and I am so sorry for that.”
He flinches and you know this isn’t going to be easy. He doesn’t trust you and your feelings right now.
“Come here…Reid! I do love you…I was an idiot…”
“Well, that’s nothing I didn’t know before -I mean … that you can be an idiot, and I can deal with temporary attacks of idiocy but Luke this, this was something else…”
“I know I let things slide way too long. But there is one thing, Reid, one thing you have to know…”
You feel him wince rather than you see it, he probably expects you to confess having slept with Brian. But you haven’t. At least you haven’t gone there.
“There never happened anything between Brian Bering and me…”
“Maybe it doesn’t happen something physical, but Luke you didn’t even SEE me anymore. It was as if I was a ghost, I talked to you but you didn’t hear me, I reached out and touched you but you didn’t feel me, in only a few months I …I don’t know … I shrank and faded…”
Reid answered with that voice he rarely uses; there is a quietness about it that screams. Does this make sense? Screaming quietness? Maybe this metaphor for helplessness and resignation, causing Reid to feel the way he felt for weeks hurts you more than everything else.
Sometimes recognizing the pain you’ve caused people you love is hurting more than being hurt yourself.
“Reid…please…don’t leave me…help me!” is the last thing you manage to whisper before you hear your own sigh and notice as if caught in slow-motion that Reid is shivering and then he is there, kneeling down in front of you and gently wipes away the rivulets steadily running down your face you haven't even noticed gushing out. And suddenly he wraps his arms around you and holds you, whispers soothing nonsense into your hair and strokes your back and holds you and cradles you like a baby and this is so absurd, that he’s the one consoling, comforting you and finally, finally he kisses your forehead and you cling to him and press your tear-stained and snotty face against his and then he kisses you on your mouth and it feels like the first kiss on earth and it doesn’t’ matter that he smells of hunger and you’re definitely kind of gross, whatever - it’s your best kiss ever.
Later in the shower he surrenders finally and you lift his lean, scarily light body up and he wraps his legs around our waist and you fill his emptiness with your hardness and he groans and you moan in response.
“I wish to grow so that I could fill each and every niche and crevice of you…”
“Trust me you’re big enough…but don’t stop…don’t stop….”
And you muffle his moans and screams with your mouth and soothe his bitter- sweet pain with your tongue.
You can’t stop touching, kissing, biting, tugging, stroking and thrusting and when he comes he bites your neck so hard that you cry out loud in pain but hold his face in place, because you need to feel that kind of pain too, pain that assures you’re still alive and together, because none of you would let do this to himself by someone else.
His nerves are still so raw that he refuses to eat at first but you force him to have a sandwich at least and finally, finally the two of you are in bed together, exhausted and tired but you believe you’re going to make it together.
Reid’s arms are wrapped around you and his pronounced hipbones are poking your back but you don’t care. Everything feels good as long as it’s Reid’s body.
“Casey told me about Nuri…you should have told me…”
“No…you would have freaked out - for nothing.”
“Yeah, I know. I wish I would have handled the Brian-thing just as sovereignly.”
You hear his steady breaths and assume him to be asleep when he whispers:
“I want you to love me for the rest of my life.”
“And I want you to love me even longer.”
“I have always known you’re the greedier one.”