Comments | scrawlology: A NEW ADDITION

kemmi in scrawlology

A NEW ADDITION

Jul 06, 2011 09:48

Title: A New Addition
Author's name: kemmi
Rating: PG-13 for violent images
Warnings: None
Disclaimers: None
Fandom: None
Word Count: 689
Summary: There's a new addition in the graveyard.
Notes: Written for Prompt 2. I shouldn't write when jet lagged.

( There's a new one today... )

author: kemmi, prompts

Comments 5

onidoko July 9 2011, 00:48:52 UTC

This is wonderful; depressing, but wonderful. I like the gossip-y feel of the dialogue ~ I never guessed that it was the raven talking, but once that fact was revealed it made sense. If any animal gossips amongst its own kind, my money would be on the birds ...

And I feel morbid saying I 'liked' this, but the flying bit with the girl was a very nice touch. Such a clean, effortless way of bringing everything full circle in the end, too! Brava. ♥

I think I saw one minor tense slip -- Their bright eyes turn dull -- but that's my only criticism, and it's obviously not a very important one. :)

kemmi July 9 2011, 01:36:20 UTC

I suck at tenses so hard, lawl, thanks.

It would be the birds that would gossip wouldn't it? Haha. Thanks so much luvie!

megu July 9 2011, 01:17:05 UTC

At first I thought the narrator was genuinely sympathetic, but as I read more I realized he (she?) was being absolutely morbid and bitter. I loved that. The imagery of the girl flying to her death, and then being eaten and sinking into the ground -- so disturbing, and well done!

My only question is, is the crow just a crow? Or something more? If it's just a crow then I like the story as is, but I could really see you going somewhere with the crow as representing something more dynamic. I don't know if you even mean to work on this further, but just a thought.

Anyway this was great, your dark imagery is superb and I enjoyed the narrator's voice quite a lot.

kemmi July 9 2011, 01:35:42 UTC

My initial thought was that it was just a crow, but I kinda like the idea of the crow being something else. Who knows!

But thank you very much!

write_rewrite July 10 2011, 22:39:27 UTC

I wish I could say something more than what I will say, but I'm slightly flabbergasted.

I like how you kept the secret of the narrator secret - you don't outright say anywhere who the narrator is, or what connection he has to the mother, and leave it to be gradually uncovered. I think that's my favourite part about this piece, though certainly not the only one.

Really, really, really nice job.