The Decaying Mind Of A Tortured Artist [chapters 10 - 18 COMPLETE]

[screamingxstar]

Chapter 10
A thousand thoughts run through my head and yet the only thing I can think is that all of this can’t really be happening. And of course, it can happen because it is happening and all of it is my fault. “Please Billy…” Were the two most pitiful sounding words to have ever left my lips throughout my life. But there was nothing I could do to stop him, my arms and feet bound leaving me immobile.
Useless. My cries were useless. Still, I cried out hoping the sound of my voice might reach inside of him to the humanity that was suppressed by the madness. I would have swore, swore on absolutely anything, that he had almost cracked and I had seen a look pass through his eyes. Like a mirage of cool water on the hottest day, it disappeared just as I became sure that it had to be there.
Tears fell from my eyes. Tiny liquid manifestations of my despair and shame. Billy’s eyes met mine as he raped Paul, searching my face for pain. More than anything I would have liked to show nothing, let him get no satisfaction. He could read me like an open book and everything I was feeling was so painstakingly clear, etched into every curve and line in my face. Fuck you. Fuck you, you sick, twisted, selfish bastard. How I ever loved a monster like you, I’ll never know.
As he collapses on top of Paul, his eyes meet mine once again, I’m sure that I just saw something inside of him die. An unreadable expression passes over his features and is replaced with the harsh coldness reflecting the actions he has taken and foreshadowing those to come. Catching his breath and smiling daintily my way, he gets up and runs a hand through his hair wiping the sweat from his body. Turning away he kisses Paul on the lips lightly and thanks him for being so well mannered. Polite psychopath? Surely, that has to e an oxymoron. A bundle of contradictions, my Billy is. Shaking my head I clear it of the thought, he’s not my Billy anymore. I don’t know when it changed, or perhaps it has always been this way and I was blind to it.
Completely nude, he made his way across the room after having secured Paul’s feet to the bed post as they had been before. Raven hair falling in front of crystalline blue eyes, contrasting the pain skin, he reached for something on a shelf unseen to our eyes. Turning my gaze to Joel, he looked from Billy to me, eyes widening. Moments later I saw why, as the lights in the small cabin went out and was replaced with the eerie blue-white glow of lightening striking somewhere near by, glinting off something in Billy’s hands. The metallic sheen filling my vision until I could admit to myself exactly what it was.
“Don’t, oh god. Billy!!! Don’t!” Came Paul’s erratic cries cutting through the dark. His voice cracked and he was sobbing once again, tears rolling from his bloodshot eyes down his cheeks and soaking into the pillow. Billy climbed onto the bed and smirked at him, straddling his naked body once again.
Smoothly, the tip of the knife sank shallowly into Paul’s flesh before tugging as it gave way, parting the skin. “Don’t? You don’t want me to do this?” Billy’s voice was so quiet and childlike, had there been another crack of thunder at that moment, none of us would have heard the words he spoke. The words flowed from his mouth gently like a fresh water spring, calming in the strangest of ways. Even with the intentions of a killer, caught with blood on his hands he maintained an innocent and trustworthy voice and boyish grin.
Whimpering, Paul tightly shut his eyes as Billy continued to run the knife up and down his body in a series of lines that leaked blood slowly. The red covered Paul’s body and soon, it was hard to see any of the pale flesh but in small dots and spots free of the red stain. Each cut oozed blood, the most shallow of them all had began to scab over. Billy sat back and picked them back open. “So they scar nicely.” He murmured, hands at work, covered in the other’s blood.
A scream rang through the cold silence that had deafened our ears, but for the patter of raindrops, and sharp intakes of breath every time a new cut marked the leaking of blood on Paul’s skin. Billy’s eyes met with mine, knife in hand, stopping mid cut. I realized that the scream had not been from Joel or Paul, but myself.
“So vocal.” Billy said with a tsk tsk of his tongue and a shake of his head, wrenching the knife around inside of Paul, causing the other to squirm in pain. “Yes, Benji, I have tired of this. I shall stop now.” With a faint smile, he got off the other and stood, wiping the blood from the knife with the sheet on the bed, before going and placing it back on the shelf. And for a second I felt the tiniest bit of hope.
I turned my attention back to Joel, who had had his eyes closed the whole time. The sight of blood always made him sick and I knew the sharp metallic smell and it beginning to soak into the sheets, he was trying not to pass out.
The feeling of hope died almost instantaneously.
Billy launched himself at the bed and pulled a pillow over Paul’s head, covering his mouth and holding it there so tight. Paul struggled, he thrashed the best that he could without the use of his feet and hands to help him. And after a few minutes, the struggling became weaker, and then his limbs stopped moving.
Pulling the pillow away, Billy placed two fingers on the side of Paul’s throat, one of the places untouched by blood.
Meeting my eyes with his, my heart sank as he opened his mouth and the words, “he’s gone,” left his lips. Billy stood and freed Paul of his restraints, lifting him over his shoulder. It was hard to imagine someone so tiny of frame could carry someone larger than they with as little effort as if they had done this a thousand times.
My grief ridden scream filled the stormy night’s air and rang out through the mountains. Tears flowed down identical cheeks, but I could not meet my brother’s eyes.
-

Chapter 11
Billy left the room, Paul in tow. His limp body was propped up in another room. The blood that streaked Billy's naked body left him with a nasty feeling. This blood, the blood of a former best friend, was now the blood of a man who had fucked the man he thought he had loved. Rubbing his hands up and down his arms, he wanted nothing more than to get rid of the feeling. Whether it was only in his mind, or he actually felt it, the regions covered with blood started to itch.
A long cold shower and Billy was soon cleansed of the feeling, and in his own mind, of what had happened. Ready was he for what was to happen next. But there was plenty of time. No reason to rush things. Waiting was part of the plan.
The door to the room in which Joel and Benji were creaked to life as he pushed it open. their eyes snapped to attention, focusing on him. With a bit of a smile, and an air of purpose about him he went about pulling on a pair of boxers before starting to unmake the bed, Joel still laying on it. Carefully he removed the sheets and covers of the bed from underneath Joel, as the other cowered, afraid of what he might do. "Excuse me," Billy's voice was almost chipper leaving the twins reeling as to what it could possibly mean.
The sheets were soon stuffed into the fireplace and a nice fire was going. "This should keep us warm. It's pouring outside. It gets really nasty this time of year. I wonder if the river will flood…" Billy mumbled at times to himself, and at other times addressing the other two in the room.
Benji's watchful eyes never left Billy as he fetched new sheets and started making the bed once again. He was so close to Joel, and working near him and pulling the sheets under him, that he was waiting for the other to lash out. His twin was just as worried, sneaking glances with the other, eyes wide with fear. Once the bed was perfectly made, and Joel tucked in underneath the covers, Billy left the room once again leaving the two to wonder what the hell he had in mind.
A few minutes later he came back with a comforter in one hand and a tray in the other. The tray was set down out of their sight, before Billy approached Benji with the comforter. "It always gets cold as a bitch at night," the younger man spoke as he wrapped it around the other. "Sorry this is going to be terribly uncomfortable for sleeping, but I just don't know where else to put you." A few seconds later Billy grabbed the tray and sat down on the bed. "Drinks?" He held a cup up to Joel's mouth and started to tilt it, so he had no other choice than to drink.
Benji wanted to cry out to Joel not to drink it. A thousand thoughts ran through his mind. Oh god. He's going to poison us. He's going to pretend to be hospitable and then poison us. He wondered exactly what affect the poison would have on them. Would it slow their heart rate first, or perhaps it would eat at their stomach before eating through to destroy the rest of their insides? Billy soon had the same cup propped to Benji's lips and slanted it so the liquid started to run. It dribbled down Benji's chin, neck and in a downward decent to his shirt.
"Not thirsty?" Billy raised an eyebrow. Shrugging, he brought the cup to his own lips and drank. Placing a kiss on both twin's foreheads, Billy climbed beneath the covers and proceeded to go to sleep.
The hours of the night stretched on forever. Had there not been a clock in the room, neither would have known what time it was. The sky had been cloaked with thick, black storm clouds. As if mourning the lost of their friend, the heavens began to weep. Soon, the rain was coming down so violently and the wind so strong, that even the largest of the trees surrounding the cabin bowed to the storm's will.
Both twins nearly jumped out of their skin when Billy awoke with such a violent start that his body shuddered tremendously. The pale young man looked about the room utterly lost for a moment before jumping up. Quick was his exit from the room, and nearly as swift was his return. A bag in his hands, he fumbled with the zipper as he sat in front of the fire that was still burning from the night before. Carelessly he threw on some wood, and went back to work opening the bag. The fire was the only source of light. Shadows crept across every corner of the room.
"Fuck!" He cursed loudly, throwing something aside. Minutes passed and there were a few grunts and eventually a, "yes!," as he found what he was looking for. "Come on, come on." With his back to both twins, they were left to look at one another, practicing silent communication attempting to figure out exactly what the guitarist was doing. Whatever he was doing, he was working with great skill and soon, the tension left his muscles and his body stopped shaking. Sitting for a moment as whatever it was he had been doing kicked in, he got up and made his way back over to the bed, suddenly sensitive to the harsh feel of the floor on his skin. A syringe was left in clear view of both Joel and Benji.
"No better way to start of a day," Billy grinned, looking first at one, and then at the other. He laughed at making his own rhyme. Stretching his stiff limbs, he yawned a moment, the sadistic grin leaving his face before returning full force. "Although, I can think of one thing that would make it better." Turning, he faced Joel, crawling on the bed until he was straddling the younger twin. "I've always had a thing for you Joel. I mean, I know you're not gay. But haven't you ever wondered?" Slowly, Billy leaned down, lips just hovering about the younger twin's. "Wondered what it would feel like to kiss another man?" Microseconds later Joel felt the cool metal of Billy's lip ring, then warm plush lips pressed up against his almost tenderly. It ended moments later, but he still remained close to Joel's face. "Have you Joel? Did you like it?"
For a split second, Joel locked eyes with Benji and sent him a silent apology. He had to do this. Turning back to Billy he nodded his head, licking his dried lips before replying, "yes."
Smirking, he leaned a little closer. "Do you want… me to do it again?" Joel nodded weakly. Benji could feel the tears burning at the back of his eyes, not when Billy's lips connected with his brothers, not when his tongue sought and gained entrance in Joel's mouth, but when Billy's hand snaked down Joel's body and disappeared inside his pants eliciting a moan from him. "Billy…" He murmured against the other's lips, squirming despite his restraints.
"Sweet Joel," Billy cooed as he jerked off the man beneath him. "Your beautiful brother used to cry my name exactly like that. Leaning down he licked the cartilage of the others ear before blowing on it, the cool wetness causing Joel to moan again. "Joel…" Came the sing-song whisper. "Say it again."
As he jerked him, he pressed his pelvis down on him and started grinding his hips on top of his hand, still steadily at work on Joel. "Billy!" He cried out with more force this time.
"Oh god…" Benji sniffled, looking away. The thought of Joel giving himself to Billy in hopes of being saved was too much. Especially, since he knew that any attempt was futile. Billy had snapped and there was nothing they could do to save themselves.
-

Chapter 12
Leaning down, pressing my lips to Joel’s again I smiled inside. Surely others would think me sick and disturbed, but I was not lying when I told Joel I had always had a thing for him. True, I had loved his brother, but had I the opportunity, I would have chosen Joel. Sweet, innocent, loyal Joel.
Moaning beneath me once again, I removed my hand from inside his boxers. A genuine whimper of disappointment left his lips. Gently, I pressed kisses to his throat, lightly sucking on his adam’s apple until he moaned once again. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Benji glaring at me. If looks could kill I would have lay dead on the spot. Joel was the key to breaking Benji. Paul had just been the opening act. Joel, sweet and innocent Joel, was to be given every kind of attention. Bringing Benji to feel every point on the emotional spectrum was my goal. To achieve this, Joel would have to be willing to cooperate.
“Joel…” My whisper landed upon his ears, his eyes locking with mine. The look of fear had been replaced with one of lust. Another sweet kiss placed on his lips. “Do you like it when I touch you?” Once again I placed my hand over him and started kneading him through the fabric of his pants.
“Oh god… yes!” A low purr rose up from the bottom of his throat as I continued to work the fabric.
“Do you want me to stop?” Eyes glinting with amusement met Benji’s with a contented smile when his younger brother told me ‘no.’ Turning my full attention back to Joel, my lips were just centimeters above his and to my surprise he leaned up and forced his tongue into my mouth this time. What a show Benji would get as I 'raped' his brother. And the mere willingness of Joel would leave his brother so wholly confused. Surely, he would write it off to wishing to save his own life. But at the same time, I know Benji well enough to know that he will forever question if it were something more, even though it were merely Joel doing as he knew I wanted. Sweet, innocent Joel was making this so much easier for me and he did not even realize it.
Slow, teasing finger tips danced across what little of his skin was exposed to them. Gently, shirt was lifted until it went as far up his arms as possible; mind you the handcuffs hindering the article of clothing from coming off all the way. Ears perked up. I could hear Benji struggling against his restraints, attempting to break free as to stop me from kissing, touching him, caressing him, with my corrupted lips and skin.
Gasps and incoherent mumbles fill the air, nearly drown out by the sound of wind, rain, and thunder. Finally, my lips have made their way down to the tip of his pants and he squirms under my gaze as I eye the stretched material of his pants. He knows what's coming next and he wants it. For a brief moment that goes unnoticed by my eyes, Joel meets Benji's gaze once again and communicates with him his sorrow for breaking his brother's heart, an apology for what he does. Underneath my touch, his body goes rigid with want once his pants and boxers are pooled around his ankles, fingertips playing over the one spot he wants to be touched light as a whisper.
Leaning close to his ear I whispered something that is to remain only between him and I. The next moment I grinned sweetly at him, eyes connecting and spoke more loudly. "Now, if I do something for you, you have to promise to be good." Nodding his head in mild confusion, he was quick to agree with whatever it was that I was going to do for him. Expertly I pulled my shirt off over my head and my boxers and pants from my body. With one swift motion our erections were pressed together, my hips rocking into his and his mimicking the action.
Lifting myself up, I straddled him before slowly pushing myself down onto him. The look on his face, I lack words to describe other than pure ecstasy as he filled me. Taking a second to adjust, I started raising myself up and slamming back down on him, his hips thrusting of their own accord up to meet my own. "Oh God," he cried out and spat out a few curse words. This habit I had recognized in Benji when we had first started making love. Minds clouded with intelligible things to say and all that came out was a mass of incoherent babble, much of which entailed four letter words or using the Lord's name in vain.
Swiftly, I began pushing myself down on him harder and harder, causing him to cry out a few more times. Carefully, I reached my hand up and felt for one of his handcuffs. In my hand had been the key, since moments before I had undressed I had taken it from there. Once one of his hands was undone, the other remained bound, it took little persuasion for him to do what I pleased. His hand was placed over my dick and he began jerking me off as hard and as fast as he could.
My lips met his for a brief kiss, before I went back to my previous motions. One hand was used to steady myself, pressed to the headboard of the bed so I could more easily bring myself up and then push down once again. The other hand played upon his taunt nipples, the expression on his face I do not have words for. "Billy… fuck me…" He cried out, head thrashing back and forth unsure what to do with himself. "I'm going to…"
For a minute his entire body went rigid, as if he were a board. Still, I kept up my motions. Seconds later his entire body shook as he came hard and fast, still buried inside of me. A short time later I followed suit, everything emptying into his hand and I fell forward on top of him exhausted.
At that moment I saw tears slowly running down Joel's beautiful face.
Benji cried out. He was going to kill me for doing this to his brother. He was going to do every unthinkable thing to get back at me for being such a sick fuck. I was an abomination. I was going straight to hell. I was twisted beyond all things and he hoped to God that I would die in the most treacherous of ways.
And slowly a smile spread across my face as cerulean eyes met warm chocolate ones. Our gaze does not falter, nor the smile leave my lips.
I recognized those tears.
Lovingly, my lips are pressed to Joel's forehead and more words meant only for him and I to hear, were whispered in his ear.
These had been cried years before. An identical set. From an identical person.
Sad, mistaken Benji. Though you will never admit it, you know as well as I do that they are not tears of fear or hurt or shame.
Like the first time I was with you, they are tears of elation.
And dear, sweet, perfect Joel... Forgive me.
I do love you.
You are the only one that will ever understand.
-

Chapter 13

"Sorry, so sorry." Whispered Billy as he stood above my younger twin. I watched on, eyes burning from tears shed and the utter fury I was feeling. Behind my back, tied wrists gave way to flexing hands, forming fists. With everything I had in me I tried to break free.
"You are the sickest fuck in all of existence! I swear to you Billy," my lips quivered from abhorrence. His head turned and eyes locked onto mine listening to the words I would say. "If you hurt so much as a hair on Joel's forehead, I will bust the fuck out of these goddamn restraints and tear you limb from fucking limb. Do you understand?"
A smile that can be described nothing short of smug played upon his lips. "Really now? Do you promise Benji? Can I take your word for that? If I let you go right now, and handed you over the knife on the nightstand, would you take it and slit my throat?" Stalking like a feline, he slowly made his way over to me standing naked in all his glory. "Would you run this over my body until I was an unrecognizable mass of flesh? Or perhaps you would take a piece of wood and smash in my skull. How does that sound? Then you could drag my body out and dump it in the lower grounds. It's flood season you know. Look at how it rains and water rushes along anything that is not elevated. My body would sweep away and surely no one would think to look for me out here." Something reflected in his eyes that I could not read, and a harsh laugh left his dry lips.
A wicked expression darkened his features and he shook his head, face so close to mine. "You couldn't do it. You wish you could, but you couldn't. Even if you were forced to watch your own flesh and blood, your replica die, you would not be able to do it. The blood that would forever stain your hands would disturb you to the point of waking you at night. You would dream about it and wake in a cold sweat screaming for God to have mercy on you and take you from this place so you could gain a sense of tranquility. Your stomach would churn and the thought of what you had done would make you sick. So sick you would never be able to look in a mirror and see the man staring back at you again because you would know deep inside that this man you would see was not you. He could not be you, because you swore he was someone you would never be. Could you handle that Benji?"
Looking at him I said nothing. He nodded taking my silence as defeat. "What makes you so sure you can do it?" I spat in his direction, fury taking over once again.
Turning slowly his attention was brought back to me and torn from watching the stormy weather outside the window. It had not been light since he had arrived here and had begun to storm soon after. "Once I'm done, I don't intend to live with that guilt." His air of this statement was concealed in pure humorous, patronizing belittlement.
-

Chapter 14
I can't feel anything other than my lungs. They're burning. So badly. Sharp pains shooting through my body with every struggled breath that I choke in. Stop to catch my breath… I can't. There isn't time. There's never time.
My legs were on fire. I can't feel them now. I'm not sure how long ago they went numb. I remember them burning so badly that I sobbed as I ran. Cramps. Such horrible cramps. I know that I'm still going because I pass tree after tree.
Am I going in a circle?
I don't know. I just don't know. But I can't stop to think about it. There isn't time. The only thing to do is run. Just run and never stop. No looking back. No thinking of anything that has happened.
Fuck. So much water. He wasn't lying. He really wasn't lying when he said it would flood. Jesus, I wish I'd taken his bluff. I wish I'd taken the knife and cut him deep. He wanted me to. I could see it. He was practically begging. He knows he's fucked up and he wanted me to end it right there.
I could have saved Joel. I could have saved Joel. Oh God, Joel. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for all of this. I didn't have the strength. I didn't have the strength to save the two of us.
Billy made me watch. Every muscle in my body screamed for me not to. But I couldn't tear my eyes away. My twin. Oh god Joel. How could anyone do that to someone so pure and sincere? The blood… he licked it away. Little bit by little bit. And he did it with a smile on his face the entire time. A fucking smile as he licked at your little cuts.
But that was not what killed him. No. This was not enough. This was just to get him off with his own twisted pleasure. The tears. Coursing down his cheeks, and Billy licked those away too. I screamed so loud. I felt something in my throat give and I coughed up blood. Joel's eyes met with mine.
Off came the handcuffs. With a whimper Joel clung to himself afraid of what was next. Billy stood just watching him. He stood up and Billy flew across the room, something in hand. A broomstick. Oh god… Joel… his legs. Until Joel fell to the floor and could only drag himself. The bruises formed. The whiz of the broomstick as it flew through the air… I'll never forget that sound. The crack of wood meeting flesh. I thought I would never hear that again. I prayed I would never hear that again. Memories arose and brought tears to my eyes.
Joel cried. I know he cried from the pain. But I know he cried from the memories too. The wooden broomstick that we had burned almost ceremoniously. Forever gone. But it was as if Billy was holding that broomstick. The one that struck us so many times. And he was hitting Joel with it over and over again. Until finally he tired… and he raises it and smacks his head with it. Unconscious. Joel is rendered unconscious. And he's dragged into the other room.
Time passes. I don't know how long. I'm spitting out blood. Hyperventilating. Oh god, my brother. Where is my brother. Please. Bring back my brother. And I can't speak. I can't call out. My voice won't work. An hour. Two? More? I lost all sense of time before Billy came back. Sad smile graced his once beautiful features. And I started sobbing. I knew. Without words I knew. He was gone. My other half was gone.
Paul won't see the sight of stars again. Joel will never lay his eyes upon a blue sky another morning for the rest of time. Both are gone. The one person that kept me sane is gone… Joel…
Collapse. My brain tells me to collapse. And I want to. Let him find me. Let him have his way. Let him find me immersed in water waiting for him. Let him find me. Just make it all end.
But I won't. I'm too cowardly. So I run. Focus. Focus. The only thing that I’m aware of at the moment is that there is a loud pounding that feels like it’s drilling holes in my skull. The water, it’s pounding down all around me. I hate the sound. I hate that fucking sound. But it’s not the pounding that is getting to me. It’s the sound of my heart beating and blood rushing through my veins. So impossibly loud. My heart is pumping so fast. I’m afraid it’s going to explode.
What was that? I turn my head ever so slightly. Something made a noise not too far from me, just out of my line of vision. Shit. There it is again. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. It’s him. I know it’s him. What else would be making noise while this place is practically flooded? Certainly no animals. They have taken shelter and comfort at higher ground. But I don’t know where the fuck I am. I can barely move, and when I do my body screams protests and I have to will myself not to keel over in agony. He knows this. He knows this so fucking well. It’s all part of his game. I don’t know the rules and I’m too afraid to let myself admit the objective. I’m the last player. Everything depends on me.
I see movement out of the corner of my eye.
Oh God. That’s the only thing that I could think at that very moment. Oh God, I’m going to die.
I'll meet you Joel.
I'll meet you soon.
-

Chapter 15
Joel, sweet Joel, forgive me. I shall be forever sorry for having hurt you. But I'm sure that you'll be the one to understand this had to be done. You would have understood. This had to be done. To save what little dignity I had left.
To both save and detroy what's left of myself.
Benji, sharp as a tack that boy is, was able to escape rather easily. What part of exactly how effortless it was for him to get away didn't tip him off that he was supposed to escape? Simple boy. He never was very good at realizing the obvious. Quite obviously the boy thinks me insane, but surely I must be given some credit. I was able to cleanly and calculatedly carry out all else that I had planned.
All had made it so very uncomplicated in going about this whole ordeal.
The second moon since all had begun had risen to it's place in the night sky hours before amongst the small gleaming stars. With blood, spit and vomit in the room, it was starting to smell quite ripe. Generous as I am, I handcuffed Benji's hands and feet before releasing the rope that had tied him to the chair. He could stand. Stretch muscles that must have been burning from lack of circulation and sore from lack of use. Eyes landed upon me untrusting, so untrusting, once had looked upon me with love and appreciation. A part of me longed for what had been, but to the lowest depths of my being, I knew that what once had been shared could never again be attained.
"Come." Standing, I hoped he would take my act of kindness to heart and do as I asked, but his eyes continued to glare with distrust. A slight sigh left my parted lips as I gently pulled upon the handcuffs binding his hands together and led him forward slowly, so he would not trip because of the restraints on his ankles.
Slowly the both of us made our way to the bathroom in the cottage. The bits of moon beams that lit our path were few and dim, but the silvery light was enough to distinguish which way it was to the bathroom. Once inside, I flipped the light on. Door closed and locked behind us. The warm brown of Benji's eyes was barely revealed through squinting eyelashes as his pupils tried to adjust to this newfound brightness.
Silently I undid the handcuffs holding his ankles together and pulled off his boxers. Benji's eyes watched me, questioningly, watching to see what I would do next. If he feared that I would harm him at that moment, he did not show it one bit. "Be good now." I whispered, the smile edging in my voice as I adjusted the warmth of the shower and turned it on.
Cautiously he stepped into the shower, turning to keep his eyes on me. I shook my head slightly and stripped before stepping in beside him. Eyes narrowed and Benji glared at me as I ran the soapy cloth over his skin only to have the suds rinsed away by the gentle beating of the water. “Don’t look at me like that,” I chastised, raising an eyebrow. “I’m just trying to do you a favor. You would think you’d be happy for my bit of kindness. A last rights of sorts, perhaps?”
“You’re an abomination,” he managed in a scratchy voice.
“Graduated to using big words now have we Benjamin? I’m so proud. My little boy is growing up.” Pinching his cheek he got pissed. I’ll admit, it was an overstepping of bounds on my part. With all of his strength he tried to kick one of my legs out from under me. Had it not been for the slickness of the bottom of the tub that the water had offered, he would have nailed me. Instead, the motion sent him backwards. Just as he was about to hit his head rather hard on the wall, I grabbed him and pulled him up with all my strength.
He looked at me with curious eyes, obviously wondering why I had bothered to catch him.
“Careful, Benj, wouldn’t want to hurt yourself.” I replied going back to running the cloth over his exposed skin. Leaning forward I pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, pulling away with a bit of a yelp. “Touché,” Came my good humored reply after he had bit my lip with considerable force. “You’re completely right, that was completely out of line of me. I apologize.”
Yet again, Benji’s eyes met mine and exchanged a confused glance. My sudden brush with manners was taking him by surprise. Try as he might he could not read my motives. “Why?”
My eyes met his once again. “Why what?”
“Why are you doing this?”
Smiling sadly I shook my head. “Ahhh Benjamin darling, you never were able to just accept things as is. Always one to question everything.” A tsk tsk left my lips. “I wanted you all to myself one last time. Everyone was always trying to take you away from me. I saw it, I thought for sure that you knew too. It made me so jealous. I knew something was going on, but I couldn’t figure out what. Love does that you know. It blinds even the most intuitive, and like a love-sick puppy I thought the best of you. I couldn’t have your brother. I bet you never knew I loved him.” Benji’s eyes widened but before he could speak I continued. “Ever since I first met you, I adored him. He was everything I wanted to be. Joel is so perfect. Unfortunately for me he didn’t have any homosexual tendencies. But how wonderful it would work out I thought to myself. He had a twin, an identical twin. I convinced myself that by being identical you could be the same. I convinced myself that you could be everything that I had wanted him to be.”
Pausing for a moment I looked at him. “Don’t get me wrong, I loved you. It took a long while but I loved you. Who else could I love? And I convinced myself that you loved me the way that I had wanted Joel to love me. So everything could be nearly perfect. It wasn’t exactly what I had dreamed it would be, but it was as close as I was going to get and I was content with that. But then… you went and ruined all of it.” Another sad smile and nod of the head, “and here we are now. Maybe it’s the drugs I’ve been taken and maybe it’s the depression that I refuse to take medication for and maybe it’s something else completely but whatever it is we’re here now.”
Standing there I watched the soap suds run down his body and swirl around the drain before being sucked down and away from sight. Reaching behind him I turned the knobs of the shower off and got out grabbing a towel and wrapping it around his waist. “There are so many other ways you could have handled this.” Benji spoke, his low voice cracking.
“Yes. I could have done a great many things. But I didn’t.”
Turning around I went to grab a towel for myself. He bought it. Bought right into it. How he could have thought I would have been ignorant enough to not notice that there was a decorative vase on the floor near the window, I don’t know. But as I turned my back to him, just as I had planned it, he reached for it and smashed it over my head. My body crumpled and I fell to the ground. I was not unconscious, yet I pretended to be so. Bending over he grabbed his cloths and dashed out of the room. I heard him run to the bedroom that he had been locked in. He had grabbed the keys and was quick to remove the handcuffs that had bound his hands together. Fully dressed he dashed out the front door.
Smiling to myself I got up and wiped the blood from the back of my head. Mere scratches. It hadn’t hurt as badly as I had assumed it would. Wasting a few minutes, letting him get a decent head start, I got dressed and grabbed a few things. A flashlight. A bag of assorted materials such as a blanket, a Swiss army knife, among other things. Walking through the cabin I checked all the rooms to make sure everything was in order. Heading out to the car I left the keys in the ignition.
Taking a deep breath I headed into the woods.
Now it was time for the game of cat and mouse.
And Benji, can you guess which one of us is the mouse?
-

Chapter 16
There's nothing I can do now. And I hate myself for it. Laying here, partially submerged in water, all I can do is hope. Hope that you don't see me. Hope that this nightmare ends. Hope that I wake up and I'm laying next to Paul.
God, if that happened… If I could wake up and the past 3 days had been nothing but a horrible, guilt ridden nightmare, I would end it. I would end it with Paul. And I would go and confess to Billy everything I had done and I would tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him. I would tell him what a selfish, arrogant son-of-a-bitch I had become and beg him not to leave me. And I would go to Joel. I would apologize for the way I had spoken to him. I would tell him that I love him and that I was so sorry for not having listened to what he said. The thought of having to live without him, having to live without my best friends, I couldn't handle that.
If you could pull any number of tricks right now, God…
There is splashing and movements so near me. Ten feet away. The sound of my heart in my ears is nearly deafening combined with the rain beating down around us. Us. I am no longer alone out here in a place that I am unfamiliar with. Up I jump and try to bolt with the water hindering my speed. There is silence for a second as I begin to run once again, my hearing has blocked everything out but the sounds of Billy. And there is nothing. But then there is everything. My heart. The rain. The splashing. The distinct sound of someone trudging through the water with the same determination and the same difficulty as I. At once I could barely hear anything, and now I swear to you that I can hear as much as him breathing. His breathing is not as labored as mine…
Crashing through branches of trees. The depth of the water gets lower as I come to realize that I am running to higher ground. Up here it will be a race of who is faster. I curse the extra few inches that Billy has on me, his long limbs will be the end of me. Already I can't feel mine. I can only tell that they are still working rapidly by the pace at which trees and branches pass me by.
Free of the water, but Billy is only a handful of feet behind me. If at all possible, it begins to rain harder and it stings my skin as I bolt as fast as I can. Ducking, dodging and hoping that a plan will formulate in my mind. A way to save myself. But nothing comes. Tears blind my eyes and everything is more of a blur than it was before. The ground rushes up to meet me. Laying on the ground in the mud, I realize that I have fallen. Tripped. It could have been on something as small as a pinecone. Or perhaps, my legs have just given out. A pain in shoots up my side causing me to cringe.
Footsteps. Behind me. So close. His breathing is practically right down my neck. Without looking I can almost feel the smirk that is on his face, looking down, mocking me, knowing my end is near.
Get up. Get up and fight back, a voice calls from the back of my mind. Don't let him do this. But the voice is drown out by my own self pity, and his breathing, and the sound of my heart racing and trees bending in the wind.
How many minutes I do not know, but he just stands above me observing what is in front of him. Smiling. Always smiling. I realized I was choking back sobs when he kneeled down beside me. I couldn't. I just couldn't look back up at him. Forgive me Joel. Forgive me for everything.
"Awww… my lover, why are you crying?" Billy whispered sweetly into my ear. One of his hands came up to my face to wipe it away. I was too tired to stop him. Too tired to do anything. "Oh, lover, you will feel better soon. I know how to make you feel better," purring in my ear, Billy pressed his cold lips to my temple placing a gentle kiss. "Everything will be better soon. I promise baby, I promise."
With all his weight, he reaches out and pins down my wrists, pressing the front of his body into my back. The side of my face is pressed into the mud keeping me from sniffling, not wanting to inhale mud, instead I'm forced to breath out my mouth, which does nothing to stop my sobbing. Broken down. I've finally broken down. Not when Paul was murdered, not when my twin ceased breathing, but when I was pinned outside doomed to suffer the same fate as they had.
"Everything will be okay. Shhh, Benji. Shhh." Gently he positioned both my wrists above my head, holding them down with one hand. A few tugs and the back of my pants were pulled down revealing my ass as he straddled me. "Come on baby, let's make this easier. Kneel up a bit." Why fight it? Just let him do what he wants, and I did exactly as he said. I could feel him. He pressed up against me and was rubbing into me. Slowly he bid himself entrance as more tears coursed down my face. Not from pain. From self-loathing.
Billy thrust in and out of me, whispering into my ear. Block it. Just ignore all the things that he is saying to you. The false sincerity. The lies. The overly sweet tone he was taking with me as he pushed himself deeper and deeper inside of me. Twisting deeper inside of me until my back arched straight up into him and I felt my limbs go weak. He wasn't just looking to get off, he wanted me to get off with him. My body betrayed me the second he hit my spot, a sob strangling into a gentle moan as I used ever bit of willpower I had not to like what he was doing. And I hated him for it. I hated him for everything.
"Oh Benji, so tight. I bet you don't want it gentle, you always were more for the hardcore." Billy moaned into my ear causing me to cringe. "Benji…" He called in a singsong voice. "Benji… it's Joel. He's fucking you, oh god, is he fucking you right?"
"Fuck you!" I cried out squeezing my eyes shut, wanting to roll up into a ball and just die. My other half, my other half was gone…
"Benji, ugh, Benji! I know what you always wanted. Joel, grinding into you. Joel shoving himself inside of you and fucking you until you cried! You always wanted that didn't you? He's inside you, burying himself deep, fucking his brother. Ohh… you want to fuck your brother don't you Benji? Don't you? You wanted him to suck you off and swallow all you gave him. You fucking whore. Oh, but so sexy, wouldn't it be? You wanted your own brother to make you a dirty little whore. You wanted him to fuck you harder than anything you've ever felt, and you wanted him to deep throat you better than anyone has ever done for you. Didn't you Benji? Didn't you?"
More tears stung at the back of my eyes. Why? Why was he doing this. And I hated myself as slowly my body betrayed me, my dick getting harder, my moans getting louder mixed with my sobs. Soon he let his hand around and kneaded me, whispering in my ear.
I'd ask God to forgive me…
But I came crying out Joel's name.
I came, wishing Billy was my brother…
-

Chapter 17
Sweet sickness that flows through his veins, bless his heart. Lover was holding on by threads, just barely keeping himself composed. The lackluster of his eyes meeting mine told me he was giving up. Whatever will he had had left was gone. All hope was lost to him. I doubt he noticed, but for a moment, I almost gave in to the voice in the back of my head. The voice telling me that this wasn't necessary, to stop now. He had seen enough.
But I have come too far. And in a way, I broke at that very moment when the sickness gushed from my mouth and I spoke those words. Words that meant nothing and everything all at once, because somehow I knew they would hit a chord inside of you. I knew that they would pollute your thoughts. Worse then any actions I had committed, I knew those words would do more than just degrade you, but they would fatally wound you.
Even if everything else I have done fades with time, thought I doubt it shall, I knew they would forever echo, just as loudly as when they had slipped from between my tongue and my teeth and slithered into your head embedding itself in your memory, within the deepest confines of your mind.
"Benji, ugh, Benji! I know what you always wanted. Joel, grinding into you. Joel shoving himself inside of you and fucking you until you cried!" For a moment I bit my lip, and heard the sounds of protest you made.
Cold water. Cold water, like the tears that fell from your gorgeous eyes once warm with love, will forever run chills up and down your spine. The pouring rain will wrap its icy fingers around you and cause panic in the pit of your stomach. You'll have to check over you shoulder. Whenever it rains. Whenever it rains you will always be looking over your shoulder completely conscious of your surroundings.
"You always wanted that didn't you? He's inside you, burying himself deep, fucking his brother. Ohh… you want to fuck your brother don't you Benji? Don't you?" For a few moments I expected you to yell out. Stop this! You sick, twisted, deranged fuck! Get off me! And just as I thought you were about to, I felt the tension in your muscles give.
No longer will you bask in the shade of trees. The monstrous trees that once seemed to provide safety, standing over you, protecting you with their huge limbs and reassuring you with their cool shade will forever remind you of the twisted ones here. The ones that held you in, blocked your way, caused you confusion. The smell of giant pines will prick at your nose and cause the hairs on the back of your arm to forever stand up.
But the words kept coming… I couldn't make them stop. "You wanted him to suck you off and swallow all you gave him. You fucking whore! Oh, but so sexy, wouldn't it be? You wanted your own brother to make you a dirty little whore. You wanted him to fuck you harder than anything you've ever felt, and you wanted him to deep throat you better than anyone has ever done for you. Didn't you Benji? Didn't you?"
Worst of all will be the mud. Perhaps it will even carry over to wet sand. The feeling, between your toes, your fingers, rubbing under your fingernails… will always feel as it does now. I don't have words for what it will remind you of, how it will affect you. Perhaps you will cringe, your palms will start to sweat, your body temperature will rise and you'll stop what you're doing. Or maybe the fight or flight reaction will overtake your body. Your breathing will become labored; your limbs will take flight moving faster and faster. The only thing working faster is your mind, racing at speeds you never thought possible.
You choked out something then. The tears ran down your beautiful, mud stained cheeks. Words became an unintelligible when they sunk into the water surrounding your tearstained face. With all your strength you bit down onto your lip, until a slight trickle of blood made it's way down your lip and mixed with water and mud and tears. I felt you break at that very moment.
And as I felt you break, something inside of me gave.
My hands started to shake and it took every ounce of strength for me to tear my gaze away from you. My sweet, Benji. The mud leaks through your fingers as you claw at the ground, your breathing becoming ragged, your eyes closed so tightly but pain and hate and anger you feel towards me dripping from them still.
Shaking my head, I have a thousand thoughts. An epiphany ringing in between the confines of my head. Backing away, shivering, pulling up my cloths. I look at you still laying there, too afraid to move. "Jesus," I mutter.
Standing, I stare down at the man at my feet, quivering, a bundle of frayed nerves and broken pieces. "Benji," I whisper, reaching down and laying my hand upon your back. One would think that I had jolted you, for you jumped and your shivering worsened. Sobbing, you brought your gaze to meet mine, waiting to see what I would do.
"Just get it the fuck over with," you mumbled through clenched teeth. "If you have any shred of humanity left inside you, please just make it quick."
Biting my lip I sit down next to you. Absent mindedly you pull up your pants and just stare at me, trying to read what's running through my mind. Good luck, I don't even know what's going through my mind at the moment.
They say that the eyes are the window to one's soul.
My eyes are empty.
I'm not so sure I have one.
The sniffling mess in front of me sits and stares questioningly. Waiting. Always waiting for me to do something. Waiting for me to make the first move, waiting for me to say something. Waiting for absolutely anything.
Thunder rang out, bouncing on the surrounding clouds before lightning lit up the sky. And slowly, it stopped raining. With a weak smile I looked at Benji with a fondness I had not had for him in so long. "I'm sorry Benji. Tell Joel that I love him, will you?" With those words spoken you closed your eyes tightly, gritting your teeth, fists made. Waiting. Waiting for me to make the move that would end your life. End your torment.
I will not give you the gift of death. The cursed gift you think you want. Leaning forward I place a kiss on your forehead, reaching into my pocket I pull something out. Gently I take your hand. You try to flinch away, but you just look at me curious as to what I'm doing. I close your hand around the bit of metal and smile.
I give you the gift of life with those you love most dearly. I just hope that it's enough to compensate in some minor way for the pain I have caused you and the others.
Run from the memory Benji, run from the memory as fast as you can. Don't look back. Please don't dwell. Don't you ever look back.
And you don't.

Chapter 18
Brown eyes slowly ran over the mass of words scrawled on the paper in his hands. Over and over again they read the familiar handwriting. It had been ages since he had seen his writing, ages since he had seen him. He read and reread the letter and folded and refolded it so much that it had become worn. Worn from use.
Two days. That was how long ago he had received the letter in the mail. No forwarding address, no clues as to where it had come from. No clues as to who had mailed it. His name and addresses had been printed in the most non descript perfect printing on the front so as to shield the receiver from knowing who it was until it had been opened.
Two days. And in that time he had read the letter so often that he could recite it from memory. Still he unfolded and folded it over and over again. He kept it close with him at all times. Joel told no one about the letter he had gotten. Had Benji known he would have been infuriated. Paul would have broken down. Together, the three would have been a mess. So he said nothing. Instead he looked over the letter again and again trying to find some secret meaning behind it.
Surely Billy had meant for him to figure out something through his words so clear as day, so simple and so plain. They had to mean something more. For Joel, they had to mean something more. So as he sat in his room with the curtains drawn closed to keep the sunlight out, and he huddled in the corner unfolding the letter to drag his eyes across the paper once again, with his door locked he sat and read. The entire world was locked out leaving only him and the words that Billy had intended for him.
Dearest Joel,
I hope life has been treating you kindly. I imagine it has, I don’t see why it would give you any less than the best… I don’t expect you ever thought you’d hear from me again. I’m not entirely sure that you wish to either. I have a feeling though, one in the pit of my gut, that says sending this to you is the right thing to do. So please forgive me if I’m mistaken.
I’m not entirely sure what the purpose of this letter should be. Is it meant as an apology for the things that I have done to you and the others? The pain I have caused you that I know can never be forgiven, the things I have done that I don’t ever expect to feel less ashamed about… No, because I have faith that you will not tell Benji or Paul that you have heard from me at all. Not because you don’t want to, but because this isn’t meant for them. This is meant for you.
I have been clean for two years, one week and three days as I write this. I guess that’s part of the reason I thought of you. It’s so much easier to say things when substance isn’t clouding the mind. I thought of writing you often. I made an agreement with myself though, not until I could officially declare myself clean. Two years doesn’t seem very long, but at the same time it feels like forever.
Three years though, three years since I have seen you. Three years feels so much longer than two. It’s hard to believe it’s been almost three years since I have last seen you… Regretfully the last time I saw you was not under the best circumstances or during the sanest of my moments. There were things I said that I wasn’t lying about. I still love you. Maybe from me that doesn’t seem possible because I’ve done so many terrible things. Somehow though, I think you’re the one person who can see past that. See past what I’ve done.
A terribly long letter filled with virtually nothing. Sorry for the extreme vagueness. I’m still having difficulty imagining myself actually mailing this to you. That makes it a little harder to write, since I haven’t decided if you’ll actually be receiving this or not. It makes it harder to find what I should be saying or how to say it…
I’m going to take a terrible leap of faith at this moment, and perhaps if I am lucky, or if I don’t misread what I know of you, you will too. A week. One week from the day that I send this. Perhaps four or five from the day that you get this. Until then, I’ll be waiting as still as the trees for any sign of you.
My deepest love and sincerest remorse,
William
Again and again he reread the bottom of the letter. He had three days to figure out what it meant, and the week would be up. Something was to happen on the seventh day and Joel was having a terrible time deciphering what it meant. So his eyes ran over the words again and again searching every syllable for the secret meaning they held, the key that would unlock the rest of the picture for him.
On the sixth day he woke in the morning from a dream. The dream he had had repeatedly for three years. It had left him for some time but was awaken from deep within him by the letter that was currently hidden underneath his pillow. And when he had sat there in the dark, blinking slowly, his mind reeling, it had come to him. What Billy had meant. What he had wanted.
One more day and it would have been three years since everything had happened. Tomorrow. Tomorrow Billy wanted Joel to meet him. Running a hand through his sweat drenched hair, he placed his feet on the cold floor and stood. Slowly he made his way to the bathroom, not caring that it was 3am and showering might wake the others. Standing underneath the cool spray he stared at the ceiling thoughts bombarding his weary brain more quickly then he could absorb them all.
The rest of the day he spent quietly. Benji and Paul tried to speak with him a few times. In return Joel would smile and nod, answering their questions but declining any invitation they gave him about going out and doing something or watching a movie or just anything to occupy time. Instead he sat and thought long and hard through the moments of silence he had to himself once they had left.
Thinking for hours he realized that thinking would get him no where. So he stood, pushing back the chair he had been sitting in causing it to squeal against the linoleum floor as if he had hurt or offended it. He found himself with an apology on the tip of his tongue for the object before a slight laugh left his lips and he shook his head. No thoughts for his actions, he just did. Within minutes he was sitting in his car, seatbelt buckled, the key in the ignition. All he had to do was turn it on. All he had to do was shift it into gear and back out of the driveway. All he had to do was the one thing his brother and friend could never find out about.
So Joel did just that. He turned on the car, shifted it into reverse and without leaving so much as a note to tell them where he was headed, he backed out of the drive way and headed down the road. He knew where he was going without any instruction. Joel knew Billy would be there so they could say their final good bye.
The hours spent driving he recited the letter to himself over and over again as if on repeat. He found by doing this that he could block thoughts of Benji and Paul from his mind. Had they known what he was doing they surely would have prevented him from going. If they ever found out they would feel betrayed. And they had every right, which is what made this journey of his so ridiculous. But he had to go through with it anyway.
As wrong as it was, Joel Madden was in love. He couldn’t just turn his back on Billy as the others had. With not more then a moment’s notice, he would have ran to wherever it was that the younger boy with soft blue eyes had asked. And Billy had given him not more then a moment’s notice. Joel had dropped everything and was running to meet him quite possibly for the last time.
The skies darkened and a soft rain started to fall form the gray clouds. They hung low on the sky, almost as if the weight of the water they contained was too much. They carried a burden greater than themselves. Joel imagined Billy the same way.
Three years. Three years is such an impossibly long time. As Joel creeped nearer and nearer to the spot he was sure he would find his friend at, he found himself trying to imagine the ways Billy would have changed. What would he look like? Surely nothing like he did the last time. What would he have to say? Would it be awkward? Would there be tears? Would there be apologies? Or would there be something unspoken that would pass between the two that would mean much more then any words they could share?
Joel put the car into park and killed the engine. He opted to walk the rest of the way. Keys in his pocket, he locked the doors and trudged down the dirt and gravel path as the trees raised up around him menacingly. A bit of sunlight peaked through the clouds and the rain almost as if lighting his way. Raising his eyes he caught sight of Billy. Arms folded across his chest. Hair darker then midnight falling into his eyes. His figure was leaning back against a decent looking motorcycle, a cigarette dangling from his lips the smoke slowly escaping them, curling up and away. The faux leather jacket he wore seemed to immense for his small frame, but looked good on him all at the same time. With little care for time, his crystalline eyes raised to meet Joel’s warm brown ones. Neither moved for a minute, just took in the sight of the other.
Standing before Billy, Joel realized there was a method to his madness, and, perhaps… a shred of sanity behind it all. He lead the life of a tortured artist. Heart worn on his sleeve, tattered, bruised, and broken for all to see. The shadows under his eyes never left, nor did the cold distant look he had acquired some time ago. The scars upon the inside of his arms were a constant reminder of his rock bottom, the person that caused it, the people that could have prevented it and the actions it had driven him to. But most importantly, what few could see, was the future he had ahead of him. True, he never fully recovered. And though he never came to completely forgive himself, he was able to forgive the others.
“Hey.” Billy called out, dropping the cigarette to the ground an crushing it with the heel of his black boot. He unfolded his arms, giving himself a more friendly appearance. His eyes looked tired and he had seemed to age ten years since the last time Joel had seen him.
“Hey.” With a small smile that soon turned into a grin, Joel closed the distance between them.

Yes. I am ending it there. I am an evil sadistic bitch. Worship me. Mwahaha

FIN