Hide The Tears
Title: Hide The Tears
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Summary: Angsty sadness... "I can’t look into your eyes and know what you’re thinking. I feel as if my source of oxygen has been cut off. And when you look at me and ask me if I remember the first time we were together, all I can do is nod."
Dedication: Bolero from fd.net, Ashy & Kaysea
... Hide The Tears ...
I'm sorry it came to this. So sorry.
You don't believe me. Crossing your arms over your t-shirt hiding the perfectly sculpted chest that I've seen so many times, the one that is identical to mine but different in so many ways, the one that I’ve marked with sweet butterfly kisses, you look away. Please don't make this any harder than it has to be. You have no idea what this is doing to me. You tilt your head. The one question I had never wished to hear from you, you ask. I knew it was coming, but it still feels like the lowest possible blow. And at the same time, I know that I've hurt you much more deeply than any question, especially a one worded one, that you could ever ask me.
Why? Why do I have to leave you? Oh god. I wish I didn't have to, but we can't keep this up. There is silence and I say nothing to break it. Not a syllable, not a movement to even make a single sound to end this silence with some kind of vociferous action. What do you want me to say? Should I tell you that I love you more than anyone I have ever before? Should I tell you that no one else can make me feel this way? No one else can bring me to life like you do? No one else can bring me to life like you do. No one else can send a feeling like this through my entire being, in a way that goes beyond moving me physically but touches me spiritually. No one else can and that scares me.
Do you want me to lie to you and say that it will make everything else better? It will all just go away? I can’t. I can’t do that.
The hurt, the disappointment that crosses over your beautiful face bores a hole in my heart. The disappointment, your disappointment in me. Slowly you turn away. You turn away from me. The weight of what I have told you causes your head to bow down. I can't see your face but I can predict every thing passing over your gorgeous features. I know what every single one means. I’ve studied you, so many countless times while you’ve slept, so many times while you were awake, so many times when you didn’t notice. I’ve memorized everything about you. I know more about you than I know about myself, the same way I love you more than I could ever love myself.
Unhurriedly, a hand runs through your short black hair. Thinking. You’re thinking, trying to take this all in. You’ll close your eyes so tight trying to block this all out, at the same time. Seconds will pass and gradually your eyes will open and your sweet lips will part in a gentle sigh. What to do. You don’t know what to do. And I can’t help you, because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what else to do other than this.
When you turn back and face me, for the first time I can’t read the expression on your face. I can’t look into your eyes and know what you’re thinking. I feel as if my source of oxygen has been cut off. And when you look at me and ask me if I remember the first time we were together, all I can do is nod.
Of course I remember. What a contrast we were. I was so nervous, my entire body shaking. But you, you smiled sexily and the air of confidence about you made me feel more at ease. For the time it felt as if you were the older twin. You were so positively sure that what we were doing was right. Nothing so deep, nothing so magnificent could ever be wrong. I believed you. I believed that something as undoubtedly sacred as that, when your fingers ran over my skin and your lips pressed to mine could never be wrong. And to us, it will never be.
So when you ask me, all I can do is nod. I can’t let on to the internal conflict I feel between my feelings for you and what is right. What is right for you. That is all I want. My eyes drop to the floor and my hands grip one another tight.
If we keep this up, you’ll die. You wanted to tell everyone, let them all know how happy we were together. Joel, do you know how much I wish that we could stand up with one another? Do you know how much I wish that we could go out in public and hold hands and I could take you in my arms and kiss you?
I wish that we could go home to mama and smile at her and let her know that we’re finally happy. I wish that we could let her know that despite everything that happened growing up, we were able to get past it and we were so happy. We were so happy. Do you know how much I wish we could do that, and do you know how much I would want mama to smile and hug us and tell us that she was so proud of us? But that can’t happen Joel.
You think it’s what you want. And believe me, there is nothing I want more in this world than exactly that. Your sweet naivety Joel, I love that about you. I love that you think the best of people. Please don’t ever lose that. As I stand here and act emotionless, I pretend that I don’t care. It’s the only way. But please, please, if you only ever do one thing for me again, don’t ever lose that about yourself. I could never forgive myself if that were to happen.
My face almost crumbles when you tell me that I never loved you. I never loved you Joel? I never loved you. This is the last resort. The tears are falling down your face freely, the floodgates have broken and there is nothing holding you back. The desperation is etched into every line. And with every tear I know you only said this to gage my reaction.
I want to break down right now. I can feel the tears. Oh god, they sting worse than anything at the back of my eyes. Do you know how tempted I am to take you in my arms and hold you? Of course I love you. Oh god, Joel… I love you so fucking much that it hurts. It physically hurts when I think about not being able to be with you. Not being able to be with the one person that makes you feel like no matter what you’ve done, no matter what your past, you are the most perfect and beautiful creature… you do that for me. I don’t know how or why you can accept me like this, for everything about me that is broken and defective. Despite all my flaws, despite every fucked up thing about me, you can do this. I love you. And that is exactly why I have to do this.
You fall to your knees in front of me, sobbing now. Sobbing so hard you can barely breath. Please, please don’t do this. You grab onto my hands and look up at me, the pain in your face. Oh god, I hate myself. Take me back, take me back, please just take me back, you plead with me. I can’t do this Joel, I can’t. This can’t work. It won’t ever work. No matter how much we love one another, no matter how much we want this to work, it can’t. It just can’t Joel, please. Can’t you understand that?
Your face becomes devoid of all emotion. The blank look in your eye as you get up tells me everything you possibly could have left to say. And as you walk away you turn to me one final time. So it’s over, you ask me, it’s really over? I’m not sure where it comes from, but I smile. A sweetly ironic motion in dedication of all that was you and I and the bittersweet memories I shall have, and you just nod your head.
I know that I’ve actually done it as I watch your retreating figure. You don’t think I can hear you, but I can hear you heave another sigh and sob once again.
So it’s over. I’ve done everything I knew that I had to do. I broke your heart. But I saved you. I saved you Joel, even if it’s only in my eyes. I have to think of it that way to get through this. I saved you. I know you’re strong, you’re so beautifully strong. And maybe I’m just not strong enough. Maybe I’m just the weaker half. But I know the whispers, I know the stares, I know that blatant hatred we would receive if we came out as you wanted would have eaten away. It would have killed you from the inside. And eventually it would tear us apart. Though you never would admit it, Joel, you never would admit it. You’re so optimistic. I wish I possessed that, I wish I possessed half of what you possess. But God never blessed me, Joel, God never blessed me.
You hate me right now, I know you hate me. Fuck, even I hate me. But you’ll understand. One day, you’ll understand. You’ll see that I did this for us, Joel, I did this for you. You’d know this if only you could feel the hole that’s been left in me as I sit here, head in hands. The hole that you filled, with every caring motion, with every endearing, quirky, loveable thing about you.
But I have to live with that hole now.
And one day you’ll know why I smiled.
One day you’ll know I smiled to hide the tears.
Okay, hopefully none of you thought that sucked. =ox Mleh, okay, so let me know what you think. *scratches head* Um yeah, I'm going to stop babbling now...
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Summary: Angsty sadness... "I can’t look into your eyes and know what you’re thinking. I feel as if my source of oxygen has been cut off. And when you look at me and ask me if I remember the first time we were together, all I can do is nod."
Dedication: Bolero from fd.net, Ashy & Kaysea
... Hide The Tears ...
I'm sorry it came to this. So sorry.
You don't believe me. Crossing your arms over your t-shirt hiding the perfectly sculpted chest that I've seen so many times, the one that is identical to mine but different in so many ways, the one that I’ve marked with sweet butterfly kisses, you look away. Please don't make this any harder than it has to be. You have no idea what this is doing to me. You tilt your head. The one question I had never wished to hear from you, you ask. I knew it was coming, but it still feels like the lowest possible blow. And at the same time, I know that I've hurt you much more deeply than any question, especially a one worded one, that you could ever ask me.
Why? Why do I have to leave you? Oh god. I wish I didn't have to, but we can't keep this up. There is silence and I say nothing to break it. Not a syllable, not a movement to even make a single sound to end this silence with some kind of vociferous action. What do you want me to say? Should I tell you that I love you more than anyone I have ever before? Should I tell you that no one else can make me feel this way? No one else can bring me to life like you do? No one else can bring me to life like you do. No one else can send a feeling like this through my entire being, in a way that goes beyond moving me physically but touches me spiritually. No one else can and that scares me.
Do you want me to lie to you and say that it will make everything else better? It will all just go away? I can’t. I can’t do that.
The hurt, the disappointment that crosses over your beautiful face bores a hole in my heart. The disappointment, your disappointment in me. Slowly you turn away. You turn away from me. The weight of what I have told you causes your head to bow down. I can't see your face but I can predict every thing passing over your gorgeous features. I know what every single one means. I’ve studied you, so many countless times while you’ve slept, so many times while you were awake, so many times when you didn’t notice. I’ve memorized everything about you. I know more about you than I know about myself, the same way I love you more than I could ever love myself.
Unhurriedly, a hand runs through your short black hair. Thinking. You’re thinking, trying to take this all in. You’ll close your eyes so tight trying to block this all out, at the same time. Seconds will pass and gradually your eyes will open and your sweet lips will part in a gentle sigh. What to do. You don’t know what to do. And I can’t help you, because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what else to do other than this.
When you turn back and face me, for the first time I can’t read the expression on your face. I can’t look into your eyes and know what you’re thinking. I feel as if my source of oxygen has been cut off. And when you look at me and ask me if I remember the first time we were together, all I can do is nod.
Of course I remember. What a contrast we were. I was so nervous, my entire body shaking. But you, you smiled sexily and the air of confidence about you made me feel more at ease. For the time it felt as if you were the older twin. You were so positively sure that what we were doing was right. Nothing so deep, nothing so magnificent could ever be wrong. I believed you. I believed that something as undoubtedly sacred as that, when your fingers ran over my skin and your lips pressed to mine could never be wrong. And to us, it will never be.
So when you ask me, all I can do is nod. I can’t let on to the internal conflict I feel between my feelings for you and what is right. What is right for you. That is all I want. My eyes drop to the floor and my hands grip one another tight.
If we keep this up, you’ll die. You wanted to tell everyone, let them all know how happy we were together. Joel, do you know how much I wish that we could stand up with one another? Do you know how much I wish that we could go out in public and hold hands and I could take you in my arms and kiss you?
I wish that we could go home to mama and smile at her and let her know that we’re finally happy. I wish that we could let her know that despite everything that happened growing up, we were able to get past it and we were so happy. We were so happy. Do you know how much I wish we could do that, and do you know how much I would want mama to smile and hug us and tell us that she was so proud of us? But that can’t happen Joel.
You think it’s what you want. And believe me, there is nothing I want more in this world than exactly that. Your sweet naivety Joel, I love that about you. I love that you think the best of people. Please don’t ever lose that. As I stand here and act emotionless, I pretend that I don’t care. It’s the only way. But please, please, if you only ever do one thing for me again, don’t ever lose that about yourself. I could never forgive myself if that were to happen.
My face almost crumbles when you tell me that I never loved you. I never loved you Joel? I never loved you. This is the last resort. The tears are falling down your face freely, the floodgates have broken and there is nothing holding you back. The desperation is etched into every line. And with every tear I know you only said this to gage my reaction.
I want to break down right now. I can feel the tears. Oh god, they sting worse than anything at the back of my eyes. Do you know how tempted I am to take you in my arms and hold you? Of course I love you. Oh god, Joel… I love you so fucking much that it hurts. It physically hurts when I think about not being able to be with you. Not being able to be with the one person that makes you feel like no matter what you’ve done, no matter what your past, you are the most perfect and beautiful creature… you do that for me. I don’t know how or why you can accept me like this, for everything about me that is broken and defective. Despite all my flaws, despite every fucked up thing about me, you can do this. I love you. And that is exactly why I have to do this.
You fall to your knees in front of me, sobbing now. Sobbing so hard you can barely breath. Please, please don’t do this. You grab onto my hands and look up at me, the pain in your face. Oh god, I hate myself. Take me back, take me back, please just take me back, you plead with me. I can’t do this Joel, I can’t. This can’t work. It won’t ever work. No matter how much we love one another, no matter how much we want this to work, it can’t. It just can’t Joel, please. Can’t you understand that?
Your face becomes devoid of all emotion. The blank look in your eye as you get up tells me everything you possibly could have left to say. And as you walk away you turn to me one final time. So it’s over, you ask me, it’s really over? I’m not sure where it comes from, but I smile. A sweetly ironic motion in dedication of all that was you and I and the bittersweet memories I shall have, and you just nod your head.
I know that I’ve actually done it as I watch your retreating figure. You don’t think I can hear you, but I can hear you heave another sigh and sob once again.
So it’s over. I’ve done everything I knew that I had to do. I broke your heart. But I saved you. I saved you Joel, even if it’s only in my eyes. I have to think of it that way to get through this. I saved you. I know you’re strong, you’re so beautifully strong. And maybe I’m just not strong enough. Maybe I’m just the weaker half. But I know the whispers, I know the stares, I know that blatant hatred we would receive if we came out as you wanted would have eaten away. It would have killed you from the inside. And eventually it would tear us apart. Though you never would admit it, Joel, you never would admit it. You’re so optimistic. I wish I possessed that, I wish I possessed half of what you possess. But God never blessed me, Joel, God never blessed me.
You hate me right now, I know you hate me. Fuck, even I hate me. But you’ll understand. One day, you’ll understand. You’ll see that I did this for us, Joel, I did this for you. You’d know this if only you could feel the hole that’s been left in me as I sit here, head in hands. The hole that you filled, with every caring motion, with every endearing, quirky, loveable thing about you.
But I have to live with that hole now.
And one day you’ll know why I smiled.
One day you’ll know I smiled to hide the tears.
Okay, hopefully none of you thought that sucked. =ox Mleh, okay, so let me know what you think. *scratches head* Um yeah, I'm going to stop babbling now...