Once more, with footnotes
Just in case anyone would actually like to read my Old Testament summary so far without paging back through all the previous posts, here it is, in the right order.
The Old Testament
(in less than 2000 words)
Genesis
God creates. Adam and Eve eat forbidden fruit; God curses them. Cain kills Abel; God curses Cain. Noah builds an ark; God sends floods. God smites Babel. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and their families wander around squabbling and deceiving each other over women, land, inheritance and sheep, ending up in Egypt.
Exodus
Moses leads the Israelites out of Egypt. The Israelites whinge in the wilderness. God provides miraculous food and water. God gives Moses the laws on Mount Sinai; meanwhile, the Israelites worship a golden calf. 3000 die in the ensuing civil war, which Moses wins. God strikes them with plague anyway.
Leviticus
Aaron and his sons are ordained as priests. God burns Aaron's sons to death because they offer unauthorised fire. *Lots* of rules about offerings, what not to eat, purification after childbirth, skin diseases, mildew, discharges causing uncleanliness, atonement, scapegoats, unlawful sexual relations, punishments, priests, sacrifices, the sabbath, Passover and redemption.
Numbers
The Israelites whinge repeatedly; God smites them respectively with: fire, plague, leprosy, curses, earthquakes, poisonous snakes, and plague again. Israelites kill thousands and nick their treasure. Balaam refuses to curse the Israelites. Priest spears honeymoon couple. Rules and census results are listed at length. Joshua is chosen to succeed Moses.
Deuteronomy
Moses recaps the journey so far. He teaches the law: don't worship idols; keep the commandments; love God; practice genocide[1]; fear the LORD; make sacrifices only in one place; keep the rules about eating, tithing, festivals, government and marriages. Moses looks at the promised land and dies. Joshua becomes leader.
Joshua
The Israelites, led by Joshua, cross the Jordan. Jericho falls. Achan steals some gold; the Israelites stone him and his family to death. The Israelites kill or enslave everyone they meet. God fights on their side, hurling hailstones, stopping the sun and sending the commander of His army. Joshua dies.
Judges
Ehud murders Eglon[2]. Deborah leads Israel[3]. Jael is blessed for murdering a sleeping guest with a tent peg. Gideon tests God[4]. Abimelech kills 69 brothers on one stone. Jephthah sacrifices his own daughter. Samson, betrayed, commits suicide revenge killing. Levite's concubine is gang-raped to death, sparking bloody war of vengeance.
Ruth
Naomi and her daughter-in-law Ruth, both widows, return to Naomi's hometown, Bethlehem. Ruth gleans in Boaz's field. Boaz fancies her. Ruth lies at Boaz' feet overnight. Boaz agrees to marry Ruth, if the kinsman-redeemer doesn't want to. He doesn't, so Boaz marries Ruth. Their son is Obed, King David's grandfather.
Samuel I
Samuel the prophet anoints Saul king. God rejects Saul for being insufficiently genocidal. Samuel anoints David. David kills Goliath. Jonathan and David love each other. David kills lots of Philistines and Saul is jealous. Saul repeatedly tries to kill David; David spares Saul's life. Saul and Jonathan die in battle.
Samuel II
David becomes king. God smites Uzzah for touching the ark. David collects wives and disposes of their existing husbands. David's sons commit incest, rape and murderous revenge. Absalom ousts David; civil war ensues until Joab, against David's orders, kills Absalom. Impaling seven men stops famine. God-ordered census causes God-sent plague.
1 Kings
David dies and Solomon becomes king. Solomon has wisdom, wealth and lots of wives. He builds the Temple (described in detail). The Queen of Sheba visits. Solomon dies. Israel and Judah split. A succession of forgettable kings do evil in the eyes of the Lord. The prophet Elijah performs miracles.
2 Kings
Elijah ascends to heaven. Elisha performs miracles. Dogs devour Jezebel's flesh. Many Good and Bad Kings reign. The Book of the Law is found in the Temple. Josiah renews the covenant: he smashes the altars and slaughters the priests of rival gods. Jerusalem falls. The Israelites are exiled to Babylon.
1 Chronicles
Genealogies are listed from Adam to the people who resettled Jerusalem after the Babylonian exile. We recap history from Saul to Solomon, with more emphasis on religion than warfare. Saul is unfaithful to the Lord, so dies. David returns the ark, sings a beautiful psalm, prays and plans the temple.
2 Chronicles
We recap history from Solomon to the exile. Solomon asks for wisdom. He builds and dedicates the temple. The Queen of Sheba visits. Solomon dies. Israel rebels, splitting from Judah. Good Kings are rewarded and Bad Kings punished[5]. The Book of the Law is found. Cyrus sends the exiles home.
Ezra
Cyrus, inspired by God, sends the exiles home to rebuild the Temple. Work is delayed due to a planning permission dispute. After multiple letters are exchanged, the Temple is finally completed. Ezra brings the remaining exiles home to Jerusalem and tells everyone to send away their foreign wives and children.
Nehemiah
"Artaxerxes sent me, his cupbearer, to rebuild Jerusalem. Our enemies failed to stop us. I banned usury among Jews. Ezra read the Book of the Law to the Israelites and they confessed their sins. Everyone sealed an agreement to keep the Law. Remember me with favour, O my God" - Nehemiah.
Esther
King Xerxes dumps his wife for disobeying and makes Jewish Esther queen instead. Esther's father Mordecai warns Esther that Xerxes' official Haman intends (with Xerxes' permission) to exterminate all the Jews. At Esther's request, Xerxes hangs Haman and gives the Jews permission to kill their enemies instead. They kill 75000.
Job
Satan thinks Job has only cupboard love for God; so God agrees to a test. Satan destroys Job's possessions and children, and gives Job boils. Job doesn't curse God. Job's 'friends' think misfortune implies sinfulness, but Job denies it. God asks impossible questions. Job repents. God gives Job everything back.
Psalms
Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous
Give me relief from my distress
O righteous God
The righteous will be glad when they are avenged,
when they bathe their feet in the blood of the wicked.
The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love.
Proverbs
My sons, don't commit adultery. Be righteous, hard-working, wise, honest, humble, loving, kind, discreet, generous, peaceful, prudent, trustworthy, just, cheerful, patient, faithful, heedful of correction, pleasantly spoken, unselfish, respectable, pure-hearted, moderate, humane, compassionate and self-controlled. Don't secure another's debt nor practice usury. A good wife is worth more than rubies.
Ecclesiastes
Everything is meaningless. There is nothing new under the sun. Like the fool, the wise man too must die. All come from dust, and to dust all return. So then, banish anxiety from your heart. Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life.
Song of Songs
Beloved I am a rose of Sharon,
a lily of the valleys.
Lover How beautiful!
Your eyes behind your veil are doves.
Your hair is like a flock of goats
descending from Mount Gilead.
Beloved I am my lover's and my lover is mine.
Love is as strong as death.
Isaiah
God is very powerful and the whole world belongs to him. He is going to destroy the sinful, both from Israel and the other nations. Immanuel is coming, a descendant of David who will establish a peaceful holy kingdom. God will reward all who worship him, whether Jew or Gentile.
Jeremiah
Jeremiah says "God says 'Virgin Israel has prostituted herself to false gods and deserves to be raped. Don't oppress aliens, orphans or widows. You are very naughty figs.'" Jeremiah prophesies doom to Israel and is mocked and imprisoned. Doom happens: Jerusalem falls. Jeremiah prophesies even more doom to everyone else.
Lamentations
Jerusalem is fallen; the Israelites have been taken into slavery. Why did this happen? We were sinful. Now the Lord is angry and he won't listen to our prayers. But I know his love is unfailing. In the end he will notice the injustice of our enemies and punish them.
Ezekiel
God: "Jerusalem, my virgin daughter, has beome a whore, committed adultery with other gods and deserves to be raped and stoned. The Israelites' conduct is as disgusting as a woman's period. I'll destroy all the other nations; then they'll know I'm the LORD. Here are the plans for my Temple."
Daniel
Daniel interprets Nebuchadnezzar's dream of an idol with feet of clay. God saves Daniel's friends from the furnace. Daniel interprets Nebuchadnezzar's dream about a tree. Belshazzar sees the writing on the wall. Darius throws Daniel in the lion's den; Daniel survives. Daniel has apocalyptic visions in which horns figure prominently.
Hosea
God tells Hosea to marry a prostitute (Gomer) and name his children "Unloved" and "Disowned", because adulterous Israel worships other gods. Hosea divorces Gomer; God rejects Israel. Hosea buys back Gomer; God will take Israel back. But first he will dash babies on the ground and rip open pregnant women.
Joel
Drought and a plague of locusts will destroy everything. Repent and return to God! He says "I will repay you; I will pour my Spirit into everyone; everyone who calls on the LORD will be saved; I will judge everyone." Beat your ploughshares into swords! The LORD dwells in Zion!
Amos
I was a shepherd. The LORD said to me "Israel and the nations are all sinful so I will destroy them. I sent famine and plague and you still didn't return to me! Let justice roll down like the waters, and righteousness as an ever-flowing stream. Finally, I'll restore Israel."
Obadiah
LORD: "I will destroy Edom."
Jonah
God calls Jonah. Jonah runs away to sea. God sends a storm. The sailors throw Jonah overboard. A whale swallows Jonah. Jonah prays. After 3 days, the whale vomits Jonah onto land. Jonah preaches destruction to Nineveh. All Nineveh repents. God relents. Jonah is angry. God has the last word.
Micah
The LORD will destroy sinful Israel. In the last days, the nations will seek the LORD's mountain in peace. A ruler from Bethlehem will deliver the remnant of Israel. The LORD asks you to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God. Merciful God will forgive our sins.
Nahum
LORD: "I will destroy Nineveh."
Habakkuk
Habakkuk: "LORD, why haven't you punished the sinful?"
LORD: "I'm going to send the Babylonians to crush you all."
Habakkuk: "But the Babylonians are even worse!"
LORD: "I'll punish them too."
Habakkuk: [On shigionoth[6]]
"LORD, you are mighty;
please also be merciful.
Even in disaster
I rejoice in the LORD."
Zephaniah
LORD: "I will destroy EVERYONE!"
Haggai
LORD: "Rebuild my blessed temple!"
Zechariah
Zechariah has strange visions of baskets, trees, angels, Satan[7] and flying scrolls. LORD: "You don't have to fast and mourn. I'd rather you were truly just, compassionate, truthful, peaceful, and kind to the poor." The LORD will destroy Zion's enemies. Zion's king will come riding on a donkey, proclaiming peace.
Malachi
LORD: "I prefer Israel to Edom. But you're not showing respect! You sacrifice diseased animals your governor wouldn't eat. Priests, do your job! The LORD doesn't accept the offerings of covenant-breakers. I'll send Elijah to convert you. On the day of judgement the righteous will rise and the evildoers burn."
[1] Or possibly 'ethnic cleansing' - Deuteronomy 7
[2] First recorded locked-room mystery?
[3] First recorded female leader?
[4] First recorded use of scientific method to test God?
[5] "The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what fiction means." - Oscar Wilde
[6] No one knows what shigionoth means. As with the unknown words in Psalms, this is thought to be a 'literary or musical term'. I like speculating about what these words could mean. Maybe a lost musical instrument? Or a well known tune?
[7] The accuser. This is only the second time Satan has been mentioned in the OT outside the book of Job.
The Old Testament
(in less than 2000 words)
Genesis
God creates. Adam and Eve eat forbidden fruit; God curses them. Cain kills Abel; God curses Cain. Noah builds an ark; God sends floods. God smites Babel. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and their families wander around squabbling and deceiving each other over women, land, inheritance and sheep, ending up in Egypt.
Exodus
Moses leads the Israelites out of Egypt. The Israelites whinge in the wilderness. God provides miraculous food and water. God gives Moses the laws on Mount Sinai; meanwhile, the Israelites worship a golden calf. 3000 die in the ensuing civil war, which Moses wins. God strikes them with plague anyway.
Leviticus
Aaron and his sons are ordained as priests. God burns Aaron's sons to death because they offer unauthorised fire. *Lots* of rules about offerings, what not to eat, purification after childbirth, skin diseases, mildew, discharges causing uncleanliness, atonement, scapegoats, unlawful sexual relations, punishments, priests, sacrifices, the sabbath, Passover and redemption.
Numbers
The Israelites whinge repeatedly; God smites them respectively with: fire, plague, leprosy, curses, earthquakes, poisonous snakes, and plague again. Israelites kill thousands and nick their treasure. Balaam refuses to curse the Israelites. Priest spears honeymoon couple. Rules and census results are listed at length. Joshua is chosen to succeed Moses.
Deuteronomy
Moses recaps the journey so far. He teaches the law: don't worship idols; keep the commandments; love God; practice genocide[1]; fear the LORD; make sacrifices only in one place; keep the rules about eating, tithing, festivals, government and marriages. Moses looks at the promised land and dies. Joshua becomes leader.
Joshua
The Israelites, led by Joshua, cross the Jordan. Jericho falls. Achan steals some gold; the Israelites stone him and his family to death. The Israelites kill or enslave everyone they meet. God fights on their side, hurling hailstones, stopping the sun and sending the commander of His army. Joshua dies.
Judges
Ehud murders Eglon[2]. Deborah leads Israel[3]. Jael is blessed for murdering a sleeping guest with a tent peg. Gideon tests God[4]. Abimelech kills 69 brothers on one stone. Jephthah sacrifices his own daughter. Samson, betrayed, commits suicide revenge killing. Levite's concubine is gang-raped to death, sparking bloody war of vengeance.
Ruth
Naomi and her daughter-in-law Ruth, both widows, return to Naomi's hometown, Bethlehem. Ruth gleans in Boaz's field. Boaz fancies her. Ruth lies at Boaz' feet overnight. Boaz agrees to marry Ruth, if the kinsman-redeemer doesn't want to. He doesn't, so Boaz marries Ruth. Their son is Obed, King David's grandfather.
Samuel I
Samuel the prophet anoints Saul king. God rejects Saul for being insufficiently genocidal. Samuel anoints David. David kills Goliath. Jonathan and David love each other. David kills lots of Philistines and Saul is jealous. Saul repeatedly tries to kill David; David spares Saul's life. Saul and Jonathan die in battle.
Samuel II
David becomes king. God smites Uzzah for touching the ark. David collects wives and disposes of their existing husbands. David's sons commit incest, rape and murderous revenge. Absalom ousts David; civil war ensues until Joab, against David's orders, kills Absalom. Impaling seven men stops famine. God-ordered census causes God-sent plague.
1 Kings
David dies and Solomon becomes king. Solomon has wisdom, wealth and lots of wives. He builds the Temple (described in detail). The Queen of Sheba visits. Solomon dies. Israel and Judah split. A succession of forgettable kings do evil in the eyes of the Lord. The prophet Elijah performs miracles.
2 Kings
Elijah ascends to heaven. Elisha performs miracles. Dogs devour Jezebel's flesh. Many Good and Bad Kings reign. The Book of the Law is found in the Temple. Josiah renews the covenant: he smashes the altars and slaughters the priests of rival gods. Jerusalem falls. The Israelites are exiled to Babylon.
1 Chronicles
Genealogies are listed from Adam to the people who resettled Jerusalem after the Babylonian exile. We recap history from Saul to Solomon, with more emphasis on religion than warfare. Saul is unfaithful to the Lord, so dies. David returns the ark, sings a beautiful psalm, prays and plans the temple.
2 Chronicles
We recap history from Solomon to the exile. Solomon asks for wisdom. He builds and dedicates the temple. The Queen of Sheba visits. Solomon dies. Israel rebels, splitting from Judah. Good Kings are rewarded and Bad Kings punished[5]. The Book of the Law is found. Cyrus sends the exiles home.
Ezra
Cyrus, inspired by God, sends the exiles home to rebuild the Temple. Work is delayed due to a planning permission dispute. After multiple letters are exchanged, the Temple is finally completed. Ezra brings the remaining exiles home to Jerusalem and tells everyone to send away their foreign wives and children.
Nehemiah
"Artaxerxes sent me, his cupbearer, to rebuild Jerusalem. Our enemies failed to stop us. I banned usury among Jews. Ezra read the Book of the Law to the Israelites and they confessed their sins. Everyone sealed an agreement to keep the Law. Remember me with favour, O my God" - Nehemiah.
Esther
King Xerxes dumps his wife for disobeying and makes Jewish Esther queen instead. Esther's father Mordecai warns Esther that Xerxes' official Haman intends (with Xerxes' permission) to exterminate all the Jews. At Esther's request, Xerxes hangs Haman and gives the Jews permission to kill their enemies instead. They kill 75000.
Job
Satan thinks Job has only cupboard love for God; so God agrees to a test. Satan destroys Job's possessions and children, and gives Job boils. Job doesn't curse God. Job's 'friends' think misfortune implies sinfulness, but Job denies it. God asks impossible questions. Job repents. God gives Job everything back.
Psalms
Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous
Give me relief from my distress
O righteous God
The righteous will be glad when they are avenged,
when they bathe their feet in the blood of the wicked.
The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love.
Proverbs
My sons, don't commit adultery. Be righteous, hard-working, wise, honest, humble, loving, kind, discreet, generous, peaceful, prudent, trustworthy, just, cheerful, patient, faithful, heedful of correction, pleasantly spoken, unselfish, respectable, pure-hearted, moderate, humane, compassionate and self-controlled. Don't secure another's debt nor practice usury. A good wife is worth more than rubies.
Ecclesiastes
Everything is meaningless. There is nothing new under the sun. Like the fool, the wise man too must die. All come from dust, and to dust all return. So then, banish anxiety from your heart. Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life.
Song of Songs
Beloved I am a rose of Sharon,
a lily of the valleys.
Lover How beautiful!
Your eyes behind your veil are doves.
Your hair is like a flock of goats
descending from Mount Gilead.
Beloved I am my lover's and my lover is mine.
Love is as strong as death.
Isaiah
God is very powerful and the whole world belongs to him. He is going to destroy the sinful, both from Israel and the other nations. Immanuel is coming, a descendant of David who will establish a peaceful holy kingdom. God will reward all who worship him, whether Jew or Gentile.
Jeremiah
Jeremiah says "God says 'Virgin Israel has prostituted herself to false gods and deserves to be raped. Don't oppress aliens, orphans or widows. You are very naughty figs.'" Jeremiah prophesies doom to Israel and is mocked and imprisoned. Doom happens: Jerusalem falls. Jeremiah prophesies even more doom to everyone else.
Lamentations
Jerusalem is fallen; the Israelites have been taken into slavery. Why did this happen? We were sinful. Now the Lord is angry and he won't listen to our prayers. But I know his love is unfailing. In the end he will notice the injustice of our enemies and punish them.
Ezekiel
God: "Jerusalem, my virgin daughter, has beome a whore, committed adultery with other gods and deserves to be raped and stoned. The Israelites' conduct is as disgusting as a woman's period. I'll destroy all the other nations; then they'll know I'm the LORD. Here are the plans for my Temple."
Daniel
Daniel interprets Nebuchadnezzar's dream of an idol with feet of clay. God saves Daniel's friends from the furnace. Daniel interprets Nebuchadnezzar's dream about a tree. Belshazzar sees the writing on the wall. Darius throws Daniel in the lion's den; Daniel survives. Daniel has apocalyptic visions in which horns figure prominently.
Hosea
God tells Hosea to marry a prostitute (Gomer) and name his children "Unloved" and "Disowned", because adulterous Israel worships other gods. Hosea divorces Gomer; God rejects Israel. Hosea buys back Gomer; God will take Israel back. But first he will dash babies on the ground and rip open pregnant women.
Joel
Drought and a plague of locusts will destroy everything. Repent and return to God! He says "I will repay you; I will pour my Spirit into everyone; everyone who calls on the LORD will be saved; I will judge everyone." Beat your ploughshares into swords! The LORD dwells in Zion!
Amos
I was a shepherd. The LORD said to me "Israel and the nations are all sinful so I will destroy them. I sent famine and plague and you still didn't return to me! Let justice roll down like the waters, and righteousness as an ever-flowing stream. Finally, I'll restore Israel."
Obadiah
LORD: "I will destroy Edom."
Jonah
God calls Jonah. Jonah runs away to sea. God sends a storm. The sailors throw Jonah overboard. A whale swallows Jonah. Jonah prays. After 3 days, the whale vomits Jonah onto land. Jonah preaches destruction to Nineveh. All Nineveh repents. God relents. Jonah is angry. God has the last word.
Micah
The LORD will destroy sinful Israel. In the last days, the nations will seek the LORD's mountain in peace. A ruler from Bethlehem will deliver the remnant of Israel. The LORD asks you to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God. Merciful God will forgive our sins.
Nahum
LORD: "I will destroy Nineveh."
Habakkuk
Habakkuk: "LORD, why haven't you punished the sinful?"
LORD: "I'm going to send the Babylonians to crush you all."
Habakkuk: "But the Babylonians are even worse!"
LORD: "I'll punish them too."
Habakkuk: [On shigionoth[6]]
"LORD, you are mighty;
please also be merciful.
Even in disaster
I rejoice in the LORD."
Zephaniah
LORD: "I will destroy EVERYONE!"
Haggai
LORD: "Rebuild my blessed temple!"
Zechariah
Zechariah has strange visions of baskets, trees, angels, Satan[7] and flying scrolls. LORD: "You don't have to fast and mourn. I'd rather you were truly just, compassionate, truthful, peaceful, and kind to the poor." The LORD will destroy Zion's enemies. Zion's king will come riding on a donkey, proclaiming peace.
Malachi
LORD: "I prefer Israel to Edom. But you're not showing respect! You sacrifice diseased animals your governor wouldn't eat. Priests, do your job! The LORD doesn't accept the offerings of covenant-breakers. I'll send Elijah to convert you. On the day of judgement the righteous will rise and the evildoers burn."
[1] Or possibly 'ethnic cleansing' - Deuteronomy 7
[2] First recorded locked-room mystery?
[3] First recorded female leader?
[4] First recorded use of scientific method to test God?
[5] "The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what fiction means." - Oscar Wilde
[6] No one knows what shigionoth means. As with the unknown words in Psalms, this is thought to be a 'literary or musical term'. I like speculating about what these words could mean. Maybe a lost musical instrument? Or a well known tune?
[7] The accuser. This is only the second time Satan has been mentioned in the OT outside the book of Job.