(no subject)
Remus/Sirius one shot:
I watch you but I cannot go on. When you did the worst thing you could have done to me, knowing how much I hate myself usually but doing the one thing which would make myself hate myself so much I feel sick thinking about it, I still see you, I see you suffering and punishing yourself and I feel like the guilty one. You make me feel guilty because I cannot stop caring. If you can't see that, you're even more stupid and blind than I thought you were.
This is why I happen to hint to James I'm going up the dorm earlier than usual and that it would be sensible for him to stay here and help Pete with his Potions homework for a while, knowing Sirius is already up in the dormitory - coincidentally, you know, Prongs, completely coincidentally. Thank Merlin he gets what I'm on about.
When I reach the door I take a breath and push the door open and find Sirius right there in front of me about to leave. He ducks to one side to let me pass, head down. I don't move.
“Please don't.”
A second and then Sirius slowly looks up in surprise, confusion filling his sad eyes.
“Don't punish yourself, it's killing me,” I slowly breath in and out, “we...we all make mistakes. Yours was stupid I know, bloody dangerous. No, let me finish,” I object as Sirius opens his mouth to speak.
“It was stupid of you and it hurt me such a lot. But what hurts me infinitely more is you punishing yourself for it because I still love you, you silly sod. I miss you and I need you and I love you, so please don't do this anymore.”
Sirius' eyes swim with tears and he stutters, “You mean it?”
I sniff and step forward to wrap my arms round him, “You know me inside out. When do I ever say anything if I don't mean it?”
He shifts in my arms in the way we've always fitted into each other, “You don't. I'm so sorry.”
“I know, it's okay, we're okay, don't hurt me like that again though please.”
“I won't. I promise.”
And I believe him because Sirius, the receiver of broken promises, never breaks his own.
I watch you but I cannot go on. When you did the worst thing you could have done to me, knowing how much I hate myself usually but doing the one thing which would make myself hate myself so much I feel sick thinking about it, I still see you, I see you suffering and punishing yourself and I feel like the guilty one. You make me feel guilty because I cannot stop caring. If you can't see that, you're even more stupid and blind than I thought you were.
This is why I happen to hint to James I'm going up the dorm earlier than usual and that it would be sensible for him to stay here and help Pete with his Potions homework for a while, knowing Sirius is already up in the dormitory - coincidentally, you know, Prongs, completely coincidentally. Thank Merlin he gets what I'm on about.
When I reach the door I take a breath and push the door open and find Sirius right there in front of me about to leave. He ducks to one side to let me pass, head down. I don't move.
“Please don't.”
A second and then Sirius slowly looks up in surprise, confusion filling his sad eyes.
“Don't punish yourself, it's killing me,” I slowly breath in and out, “we...we all make mistakes. Yours was stupid I know, bloody dangerous. No, let me finish,” I object as Sirius opens his mouth to speak.
“It was stupid of you and it hurt me such a lot. But what hurts me infinitely more is you punishing yourself for it because I still love you, you silly sod. I miss you and I need you and I love you, so please don't do this anymore.”
Sirius' eyes swim with tears and he stutters, “You mean it?”
I sniff and step forward to wrap my arms round him, “You know me inside out. When do I ever say anything if I don't mean it?”
He shifts in my arms in the way we've always fitted into each other, “You don't. I'm so sorry.”
“I know, it's okay, we're okay, don't hurt me like that again though please.”
“I won't. I promise.”
And I believe him because Sirius, the receiver of broken promises, never breaks his own.