Primeval fic: A Night at the Cinema: A Primeval MST
Title: A Night at the Cinema: A Primeval MST
Author: SCWLC and darkhorse_99
Rating: Call it an R for the sake of safety, shall we?
Disclaimer: I don't even own the fic being MST'd. I'm certainly not making money off it.
Summary: Helen traps the early S3 team in a cinema and makes them read bad fanfic about themselves. I think you can figure out the rest.
Notes: So, I got darkhorse_99's permission to use the badfic in question, and so up goes the Mystery Science Theatering of it. I can only hope I've done the genre justice. Also, I know the anti-slash thing wouldn't necessarily be popular, but let's be frank, it's funnier when the boys are horrified by the notion. Finally, the bit at the end is just a conceptual threat, not a real story as far as I know.
***********************
Becker was the first to wake, staring blankly around and wondering what the hell they'd got themselves into now. Cutter was sprawled on the floor, Connor was draped over a chair the wrong way, his arse in the air and at first Becker couldn't spot the others at all. He'd just pulled himself to his feet, the groggy feeling having subsided enough to let him get up, when Sarah came crawling out from where she'd been hidden behind the curtains.
"Are you alright?" he asked her.
She eased her way down to the floor properly and shook her head a little to clear it. "I think so. Where's . . ." she took in their surroundings with raised eyebrows, as well as the still unconscious forms of Connor and Cutter. "Where's Abby?"
"Here," came the blonde's voice from behind them.
"Whu - augh!" came Connor's voice as he woke up and promptly overbalanced onto the floor headfirst. "What the hell?" he asked.
Cutter was still seated, looking as confused as the rest of them. "Good question," he said dryly.
Becker trotted to the back, and joined Abby in pounding on the doors. "They're solid," he reported. "I don't think this is a real cinema."
"If it's not a real cinema," Connor asked, "Then why's there popcorn on the floor here, and why are my hands all sticky?"
The screen blazed to life, and Helen's face appeared on the screen, larger than life, her voice coming from the speakers. "I thought the soda and popcorn on the floor lent the appearance of verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative." Her eyes were wide and manic, and she appeared to have completely lost the plot. Not just a little bit, but completely and utterly unhinged.
"Why are we here, Helen?" Cutter demanded of his wife, looking at where Connor had pointed out the small red light of a camera.
She smiled in a way that made the hairs on everyone's necks rise, and said, "I've been investigating ways to convince you that I'm right, Nick. Ways of bringing you onside."
"So you locked us in a pretty decent imitation of a cinema?" Connor asked.
"It seemed the most effecient way," she explained. "First, I intend to bombard you all with negative stimuli to reduce your resistence, and once I've done that, well . . ." she smiled again. "Actually, I'll save that as a surprise for later." She turned, raising a hand to signal someone behind her. "For now, though, I'll start slow. How about you enjoy this little work of fiction I've commissioned for your reading pleasure."
No one spoke in response to that, even as the screen darkened into a countdown. Finally Sarah reiterated, "What the hell?"
"I think she's gone mad . . . er," Abby said. "Because this is . . ." She trailed off. It was beyond description.
Then the first line of white text on a black screen came up and they all sat with near bonejarring thuds in the red, faux-velvet seats.
Connor slicked more product into his hair and twisted it into the short spikes that he loved before stepping into the anomaly.
"Wha'?" Connor said.
"You do like doing that," Abby pointed out.
Connor turned to glare at her. "Since when? I play around one time in the shower and you send Rex to chase me out, and that counts how?"
"I really don't understand," Sarah muttered. The first line vanished, to be replaced by the next.
The others had already gone ahead, including their new team member, Zane Steele, Lester's adopted nephew.
"Lester's what?" Cutter said. "But, we don't have-"
"She said it was a work of fiction," Becker offered.
Sarah shot him a dubious look. "You think she'd just make people up and throw them into a story about us?" she asked.
"More likely she's had some glimpse of the future and she's trying to cause trouble the way she did with Stephen," Cutter said determinedly.
At six foot with raven black hair, abs hard enough to bounce raptors off and secret telepathy, he was a valuable addition to the team.
"Secret telepathy?" the chorused. Because there really was no response to that.
Suddenly, Connor's eyes seemed to go a little wild and he looked around, hurrying over to Abby and having a rapid-fire consultation with her. At first she seemed to disagree, then he appeared to make a point and Abby's jaw dropped. She dropped her head into her hands. "Cutter?"
"Yeah?"
On his first day he saved everyone when he rewired a car into a Transformer and used it to battle a G-rex and save the queen.
"Your wife's completely batshit crazy."
"She's absolutely making things up," Sarah said. "What the hell is this!?"
The man was sex on two feet, unless he was hard.
"I don't want to hear this," Connor moaned.
Becker finally spoke. "Seconded."
Sarah, with a mischievous grin on her face said, "I do."
"Could be interesting," Abby added.
The three men exchanged looks and just shook their heads.
Then he was known as 'tripod' because he was just that hung.
"Ooooo!" Sarah said.
Cutter looked like he was trying to sink through his seat into the floor and Connor just sat there, his jaw gormlessly gaping open. Becker had resorted to the sort of training that got you through those first months at Sandhurst, where you learned to show no reaction to anything. Abby was patting Connor's hand in a way that looked to be a vague attempt at comfort.
Just the thought of him got Connor all hot and bothered.
"That's right," Sarah said, "This was about you, Connor."
Becker smirked at him. "Something you need to tell Abby, Connor?"
"I really don't mind," Abby informed them. "Might be worth watching. Six foot with perfect abs?"
"Definitely could be interesting," Sarah said.
"I'm not hearing this," Cutter mumbled into his hands. "There are things you don't need to know wbout your students' sex lives."
"This isn't me!" Connor complained loudly. "I thought we'd agreed it wasn't real!"
Connor banished the thought of sexy Zane from his mind as the pounding music from the nightclub took over.
"And I hate nightclubs," Connor added.
"I can't believe this," Cutter said again.
Becker vaguely wondered if this was what going insane felt like, and if this was what Helen Cutter felt like all the time.
"I think you have to give in to the feeling," Sarah replied. Which was when he realised he'd said it aloud. "I'll admit, I'm tempted already."
He looked down. He had paws this time. That was interesting, he'd never been transformed into a cat before.
"No, I've never been magically transformed into a cat," Connor grumbled. "And now that we've left the realm of erotic fiction and wandered into fantasy, can we at least stay there?"
Abby looked at Connor consideringly "I bet you'd make an adorable panther," she said. "Sort of kitty-cat cute."
"Abby," Cutter said, sounding tired. "Can you try not to take the piss too much? You may be finding this amusing, but I'm just . . ."
The next line came up and he stopped dead midsentence.
He was some type of Panther. A sex panther.
Cutter blinked a moment and burst into hysterical laughter. Followed by Abby and Sarah. Becker kept himself from laughing by dint of sheer will and imagining what sorts of dire things Helen Cutter had planned for them. Connor just whimpered and began banging his head on the seatback in front of him.
"A sex panther!?" Abby shrieked between bouts of hysterics.
"Shut up, shut up, shut up," moaned Connor.
Becker couldn't help himself. "Does that mean you like having your ears scratched, kitty?" he asked.
"Shut up," Connor said into his arms.
"Why is 'panther' capitalised?" Sarah asked.
Having finally managed some sort of control over himself, Cutter said, "Possbly because it's important, and possibly because whoever wrote this is a bad writer."
"My God," Abby said. "Connor, I think you're really right. We are stuck in a twisted parody of Mystery Science Theater."
He glided into the club in search of his prey.
"Prey?" Cutter said, "Connor?"
"Mystery Science Theater?" Sarah asked.
Connor started to speak, clearly looking for a distraction from the heinous story unfolding on the screen. "It's an old television show-"
"It's a show with some people who watch movies and make fun of them," Abby said shortly. "Rifftrax, basically."
"Oh," Sarah said. "Connor? Have you taken to cannibalism?"
"Please shut up," Connor said. "Abby, can't you have a little human decency and let me distract people?"
"No," Abby said.
This anomaly was special, it went to a realm consisting entirely of loud bass, flicking lights, and conveniently located mattresses.
"Anomaly?" Cutter said. "This is entirely . . ."
"Stupid?" Connor offered.
"That works," Cutter agreed. Then he looked at Connor. "I suppose panther-you's looking for a conveniently located mattress."
"Augh!"
Sarah and Abby cackled. Becker feeling rather a lot of sympathy for Connor tried to keep a straight face.
It also transformed people into other Things.
"There's another pointlessly capitalised word," Sarah said. "I just can't help but worry it means something and we're missing it."
"Or Helen's lost the plot," Connor said, "And has taken to writing crazy things in her spare time."
Cutter shot him a look. "About your sex life?"
"Okay, so imaginary me's proclivities have come up, but there's been no sex," Connor pointed out. "This is just . . ." he waved his hands in the air, clearly trying to convey how beyond mad it was. Sarah and Abby were still cackling.
The time Abby was a blonde unicorn had been really fun, that horn wasn't just decorative.
Abby stopped laughing. Connor broke into a grin at once, and said, "Not so funny now, is it?"
"Shut up," she grumbled.
"What would she be using the horn for?" Cutter asked. "I mean, especially involving Connor?"
Becker couldn't help himself and joined Sarah in cackling. "I'm surprised," he gasped out between bouts of mirth. "I'd have thought you were a tad less vanilla than that after being married to that woman."
Sarah meanwhile just gasped, "Connor . . . arse . . . Abby . . . topping!" unable to speak in complete sentences she was laughing so hard.
Connor scented his prey and felt his massive panther-cock get hard.
"Panther-cock?" Sarah said. "Oh, Connor, let's all hear about-"
"No, no, no, no, no, no," Connor was moaning again.
Cutter shot him a slightly sardonic look. "What was that about this having nothing to do with your sex life?"
"I don't want anyone to talk about my sex life!" Connor wailed. "Why isn't she harassing someone else? I'm just the computer geek!"
"Actually," Abby pointed out, "It's a good point. Why aren't we hearing about Cutter's . . ." she trailed off into a fit of giggles.
Sarah gave Cutter a considering once-over. "I wouldn't mind."
"I'm going to kill her," Cutter muttered.
Connor glared at him balefully. "You'll kill her? You're not even the one everyone's taking the mick about, are you?"
Zane was just ahead of him, he had been transformed into a furby.
"A . . . furby?" Becker said.
Cutter frowned. "What are those? I know I heard something once, but," he shook his head.
"A really annoying toy," Connor said. "It's like a parrot, only electronic and disgustingly cute."
This would be fun.
"You're going to have sex with a furby," Abby said blankly.
"It's not me."
"You're going to fuck a furby," she repeated.
Sarah sniggered. "Fuck a furby. Fuck a furby for fantastic fun," she said.
"Do you suppose," Becker commented idly, "That this mean's Connor's a furry?"
"One of those blokes who like people in giant animal suits?" Sarah asked interestedly. "So, the Furry fucks a furby for-"
"Please stop," Cutter said, looking nauseated. "That's disgusting."
Abby shook her head in fake sadness. "So many things I still don't know about you, Connor, even after living with you all this time."
"Says the girl with the dildo unicorn horn," Connor snapped. "You suppose you got a vibrator installed in your forehead?"
Sarah slid off her seat to the floor, uncaring of the damage all the spilled food and drink down there would do to her clothing. Cutter's eyes were bulging and he was making vowel sounds, but nothing particularly coherent. Becker couldn't stop laughing himself, between Abby's grouchy pouting and Connor's despair over the fun being made of him, he wasn't sure he'd manage any time soon.
He was busy fucking Becker, who was a 'tickle me elmo' with a thigh strap, but he looked up seductively as Connor approached him, flicking one furby ear.
Becker stopped laughing.
Four heads slowly turned to stare at him. "It's no more me than it is Connor," he pointed out feebly.
Connor began to cackle with glee. "So you're all going down with me! Hah!"
"Neither Cutter nor I has yet," Sarah said, "And it looks like the only going down happening is between you, Zane and Becker."
"And unicorn girl," Connor pointed out, a little smugly. "So, at least I'm not the only person Helen's after."
"A Tickle me, Elmo?" Becker muttered. "Why couldn't I be the panther?"
Abby nodded her agreement. "Really, Connor's clearly far more a furby than anything else."
"I am not an irritating electronic parrot!" Connor objected. "I am so panthery!"
Cutter waved a hand to get Connor's attention. "Temple," he said, "This is not something to be proud of."
"Connor," he purred, "Let me tell you why I want to fuck you, you're hair is so spikey and hot, your very fit, and you are throbbing dick has spikes on it, like you are hair."
"I . . . don't . . . understand," Cutter said. "I don't understand that sentence."
"Why would anyone want to fuck Connor because his hair's spiky?" Sarah asked.
"Why would anyone want to fuck Connor?" Becker muttered grouchily.
"Oi!"
Abby glared at him. "That's a bit much, Becker," she snapped. "Just because none of us are interested doesn't mean no one would be."
"Abby, stop helping me."
"And why spikes on his dick?" Sarah continued. "How is that sexy?"
Cutter seemed to abruptly give up. "It sounds painful," he corrected. "Why anyone would want something with spikes poking into them," he shrugged.
o-o-o-o
So that is the tale of how a sex panther, a furby, and a tickle me elmo had sexy times.
"Gah," Connor said. Then he dropped his head onto Abby's shoulder. "Abby, if I admit you're awesome and amazing and stronger than me, can you make it better?"
"You're free to say it, Connor," she said. "But I don't think I can."
Let us never speak of it again.
"Amen," Becker declared.
The end
"Thank God," Cutter said. "Helen! What the hell was that?"
She reappeared on the screen. "That's only the beginning Nick, only the beginning."
Title: Rex's One True Love
Ever since Rex had first seen Lester, he'd lusted after the blue and stripey human.
"Nooooooooooo!"
***********************
Really the end.
Return to Other Fandoms archive
Author: SCWLC and darkhorse_99
Rating: Call it an R for the sake of safety, shall we?
Disclaimer: I don't even own the fic being MST'd. I'm certainly not making money off it.
Summary: Helen traps the early S3 team in a cinema and makes them read bad fanfic about themselves. I think you can figure out the rest.
Notes: So, I got darkhorse_99's permission to use the badfic in question, and so up goes the Mystery Science Theatering of it. I can only hope I've done the genre justice. Also, I know the anti-slash thing wouldn't necessarily be popular, but let's be frank, it's funnier when the boys are horrified by the notion. Finally, the bit at the end is just a conceptual threat, not a real story as far as I know.
***********************
Becker was the first to wake, staring blankly around and wondering what the hell they'd got themselves into now. Cutter was sprawled on the floor, Connor was draped over a chair the wrong way, his arse in the air and at first Becker couldn't spot the others at all. He'd just pulled himself to his feet, the groggy feeling having subsided enough to let him get up, when Sarah came crawling out from where she'd been hidden behind the curtains.
"Are you alright?" he asked her.
She eased her way down to the floor properly and shook her head a little to clear it. "I think so. Where's . . ." she took in their surroundings with raised eyebrows, as well as the still unconscious forms of Connor and Cutter. "Where's Abby?"
"Here," came the blonde's voice from behind them.
"Whu - augh!" came Connor's voice as he woke up and promptly overbalanced onto the floor headfirst. "What the hell?" he asked.
Cutter was still seated, looking as confused as the rest of them. "Good question," he said dryly.
Becker trotted to the back, and joined Abby in pounding on the doors. "They're solid," he reported. "I don't think this is a real cinema."
"If it's not a real cinema," Connor asked, "Then why's there popcorn on the floor here, and why are my hands all sticky?"
The screen blazed to life, and Helen's face appeared on the screen, larger than life, her voice coming from the speakers. "I thought the soda and popcorn on the floor lent the appearance of verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative." Her eyes were wide and manic, and she appeared to have completely lost the plot. Not just a little bit, but completely and utterly unhinged.
"Why are we here, Helen?" Cutter demanded of his wife, looking at where Connor had pointed out the small red light of a camera.
She smiled in a way that made the hairs on everyone's necks rise, and said, "I've been investigating ways to convince you that I'm right, Nick. Ways of bringing you onside."
"So you locked us in a pretty decent imitation of a cinema?" Connor asked.
"It seemed the most effecient way," she explained. "First, I intend to bombard you all with negative stimuli to reduce your resistence, and once I've done that, well . . ." she smiled again. "Actually, I'll save that as a surprise for later." She turned, raising a hand to signal someone behind her. "For now, though, I'll start slow. How about you enjoy this little work of fiction I've commissioned for your reading pleasure."
No one spoke in response to that, even as the screen darkened into a countdown. Finally Sarah reiterated, "What the hell?"
"I think she's gone mad . . . er," Abby said. "Because this is . . ." She trailed off. It was beyond description.
Then the first line of white text on a black screen came up and they all sat with near bonejarring thuds in the red, faux-velvet seats.
Connor slicked more product into his hair and twisted it into the short spikes that he loved before stepping into the anomaly.
"Wha'?" Connor said.
"You do like doing that," Abby pointed out.
Connor turned to glare at her. "Since when? I play around one time in the shower and you send Rex to chase me out, and that counts how?"
"I really don't understand," Sarah muttered. The first line vanished, to be replaced by the next.
The others had already gone ahead, including their new team member, Zane Steele, Lester's adopted nephew.
"Lester's what?" Cutter said. "But, we don't have-"
"She said it was a work of fiction," Becker offered.
Sarah shot him a dubious look. "You think she'd just make people up and throw them into a story about us?" she asked.
"More likely she's had some glimpse of the future and she's trying to cause trouble the way she did with Stephen," Cutter said determinedly.
At six foot with raven black hair, abs hard enough to bounce raptors off and secret telepathy, he was a valuable addition to the team.
"Secret telepathy?" the chorused. Because there really was no response to that.
Suddenly, Connor's eyes seemed to go a little wild and he looked around, hurrying over to Abby and having a rapid-fire consultation with her. At first she seemed to disagree, then he appeared to make a point and Abby's jaw dropped. She dropped her head into her hands. "Cutter?"
"Yeah?"
On his first day he saved everyone when he rewired a car into a Transformer and used it to battle a G-rex and save the queen.
"Your wife's completely batshit crazy."
"She's absolutely making things up," Sarah said. "What the hell is this!?"
The man was sex on two feet, unless he was hard.
"I don't want to hear this," Connor moaned.
Becker finally spoke. "Seconded."
Sarah, with a mischievous grin on her face said, "I do."
"Could be interesting," Abby added.
The three men exchanged looks and just shook their heads.
Then he was known as 'tripod' because he was just that hung.
"Ooooo!" Sarah said.
Cutter looked like he was trying to sink through his seat into the floor and Connor just sat there, his jaw gormlessly gaping open. Becker had resorted to the sort of training that got you through those first months at Sandhurst, where you learned to show no reaction to anything. Abby was patting Connor's hand in a way that looked to be a vague attempt at comfort.
Just the thought of him got Connor all hot and bothered.
"That's right," Sarah said, "This was about you, Connor."
Becker smirked at him. "Something you need to tell Abby, Connor?"
"I really don't mind," Abby informed them. "Might be worth watching. Six foot with perfect abs?"
"Definitely could be interesting," Sarah said.
"I'm not hearing this," Cutter mumbled into his hands. "There are things you don't need to know wbout your students' sex lives."
"This isn't me!" Connor complained loudly. "I thought we'd agreed it wasn't real!"
Connor banished the thought of sexy Zane from his mind as the pounding music from the nightclub took over.
"And I hate nightclubs," Connor added.
"I can't believe this," Cutter said again.
Becker vaguely wondered if this was what going insane felt like, and if this was what Helen Cutter felt like all the time.
"I think you have to give in to the feeling," Sarah replied. Which was when he realised he'd said it aloud. "I'll admit, I'm tempted already."
He looked down. He had paws this time. That was interesting, he'd never been transformed into a cat before.
"No, I've never been magically transformed into a cat," Connor grumbled. "And now that we've left the realm of erotic fiction and wandered into fantasy, can we at least stay there?"
Abby looked at Connor consideringly "I bet you'd make an adorable panther," she said. "Sort of kitty-cat cute."
"Abby," Cutter said, sounding tired. "Can you try not to take the piss too much? You may be finding this amusing, but I'm just . . ."
The next line came up and he stopped dead midsentence.
He was some type of Panther. A sex panther.
Cutter blinked a moment and burst into hysterical laughter. Followed by Abby and Sarah. Becker kept himself from laughing by dint of sheer will and imagining what sorts of dire things Helen Cutter had planned for them. Connor just whimpered and began banging his head on the seatback in front of him.
"A sex panther!?" Abby shrieked between bouts of hysterics.
"Shut up, shut up, shut up," moaned Connor.
Becker couldn't help himself. "Does that mean you like having your ears scratched, kitty?" he asked.
"Shut up," Connor said into his arms.
"Why is 'panther' capitalised?" Sarah asked.
Having finally managed some sort of control over himself, Cutter said, "Possbly because it's important, and possibly because whoever wrote this is a bad writer."
"My God," Abby said. "Connor, I think you're really right. We are stuck in a twisted parody of Mystery Science Theater."
He glided into the club in search of his prey.
"Prey?" Cutter said, "Connor?"
"Mystery Science Theater?" Sarah asked.
Connor started to speak, clearly looking for a distraction from the heinous story unfolding on the screen. "It's an old television show-"
"It's a show with some people who watch movies and make fun of them," Abby said shortly. "Rifftrax, basically."
"Oh," Sarah said. "Connor? Have you taken to cannibalism?"
"Please shut up," Connor said. "Abby, can't you have a little human decency and let me distract people?"
"No," Abby said.
This anomaly was special, it went to a realm consisting entirely of loud bass, flicking lights, and conveniently located mattresses.
"Anomaly?" Cutter said. "This is entirely . . ."
"Stupid?" Connor offered.
"That works," Cutter agreed. Then he looked at Connor. "I suppose panther-you's looking for a conveniently located mattress."
"Augh!"
Sarah and Abby cackled. Becker feeling rather a lot of sympathy for Connor tried to keep a straight face.
It also transformed people into other Things.
"There's another pointlessly capitalised word," Sarah said. "I just can't help but worry it means something and we're missing it."
"Or Helen's lost the plot," Connor said, "And has taken to writing crazy things in her spare time."
Cutter shot him a look. "About your sex life?"
"Okay, so imaginary me's proclivities have come up, but there's been no sex," Connor pointed out. "This is just . . ." he waved his hands in the air, clearly trying to convey how beyond mad it was. Sarah and Abby were still cackling.
The time Abby was a blonde unicorn had been really fun, that horn wasn't just decorative.
Abby stopped laughing. Connor broke into a grin at once, and said, "Not so funny now, is it?"
"Shut up," she grumbled.
"What would she be using the horn for?" Cutter asked. "I mean, especially involving Connor?"
Becker couldn't help himself and joined Sarah in cackling. "I'm surprised," he gasped out between bouts of mirth. "I'd have thought you were a tad less vanilla than that after being married to that woman."
Sarah meanwhile just gasped, "Connor . . . arse . . . Abby . . . topping!" unable to speak in complete sentences she was laughing so hard.
Connor scented his prey and felt his massive panther-cock get hard.
"Panther-cock?" Sarah said. "Oh, Connor, let's all hear about-"
"No, no, no, no, no, no," Connor was moaning again.
Cutter shot him a slightly sardonic look. "What was that about this having nothing to do with your sex life?"
"I don't want anyone to talk about my sex life!" Connor wailed. "Why isn't she harassing someone else? I'm just the computer geek!"
"Actually," Abby pointed out, "It's a good point. Why aren't we hearing about Cutter's . . ." she trailed off into a fit of giggles.
Sarah gave Cutter a considering once-over. "I wouldn't mind."
"I'm going to kill her," Cutter muttered.
Connor glared at him balefully. "You'll kill her? You're not even the one everyone's taking the mick about, are you?"
Zane was just ahead of him, he had been transformed into a furby.
"A . . . furby?" Becker said.
Cutter frowned. "What are those? I know I heard something once, but," he shook his head.
"A really annoying toy," Connor said. "It's like a parrot, only electronic and disgustingly cute."
This would be fun.
"You're going to have sex with a furby," Abby said blankly.
"It's not me."
"You're going to fuck a furby," she repeated.
Sarah sniggered. "Fuck a furby. Fuck a furby for fantastic fun," she said.
"Do you suppose," Becker commented idly, "That this mean's Connor's a furry?"
"One of those blokes who like people in giant animal suits?" Sarah asked interestedly. "So, the Furry fucks a furby for-"
"Please stop," Cutter said, looking nauseated. "That's disgusting."
Abby shook her head in fake sadness. "So many things I still don't know about you, Connor, even after living with you all this time."
"Says the girl with the dildo unicorn horn," Connor snapped. "You suppose you got a vibrator installed in your forehead?"
Sarah slid off her seat to the floor, uncaring of the damage all the spilled food and drink down there would do to her clothing. Cutter's eyes were bulging and he was making vowel sounds, but nothing particularly coherent. Becker couldn't stop laughing himself, between Abby's grouchy pouting and Connor's despair over the fun being made of him, he wasn't sure he'd manage any time soon.
He was busy fucking Becker, who was a 'tickle me elmo' with a thigh strap, but he looked up seductively as Connor approached him, flicking one furby ear.
Becker stopped laughing.
Four heads slowly turned to stare at him. "It's no more me than it is Connor," he pointed out feebly.
Connor began to cackle with glee. "So you're all going down with me! Hah!"
"Neither Cutter nor I has yet," Sarah said, "And it looks like the only going down happening is between you, Zane and Becker."
"And unicorn girl," Connor pointed out, a little smugly. "So, at least I'm not the only person Helen's after."
"A Tickle me, Elmo?" Becker muttered. "Why couldn't I be the panther?"
Abby nodded her agreement. "Really, Connor's clearly far more a furby than anything else."
"I am not an irritating electronic parrot!" Connor objected. "I am so panthery!"
Cutter waved a hand to get Connor's attention. "Temple," he said, "This is not something to be proud of."
"Connor," he purred, "Let me tell you why I want to fuck you, you're hair is so spikey and hot, your very fit, and you are throbbing dick has spikes on it, like you are hair."
"I . . . don't . . . understand," Cutter said. "I don't understand that sentence."
"Why would anyone want to fuck Connor because his hair's spiky?" Sarah asked.
"Why would anyone want to fuck Connor?" Becker muttered grouchily.
"Oi!"
Abby glared at him. "That's a bit much, Becker," she snapped. "Just because none of us are interested doesn't mean no one would be."
"Abby, stop helping me."
"And why spikes on his dick?" Sarah continued. "How is that sexy?"
Cutter seemed to abruptly give up. "It sounds painful," he corrected. "Why anyone would want something with spikes poking into them," he shrugged.
o-o-o-o
So that is the tale of how a sex panther, a furby, and a tickle me elmo had sexy times.
"Gah," Connor said. Then he dropped his head onto Abby's shoulder. "Abby, if I admit you're awesome and amazing and stronger than me, can you make it better?"
"You're free to say it, Connor," she said. "But I don't think I can."
Let us never speak of it again.
"Amen," Becker declared.
The end
"Thank God," Cutter said. "Helen! What the hell was that?"
She reappeared on the screen. "That's only the beginning Nick, only the beginning."
Title: Rex's One True Love
Ever since Rex had first seen Lester, he'd lusted after the blue and stripey human.
"Nooooooooooo!"
***********************
Really the end.
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