(no subject)
Right now, I just feel so...vulnerable.
I feel like I'm standing naked, in a pit of lions. Just one wrong twitch of a muscle and it's over. I feel like I'm on a tight rope, and if I take just one wrong step, I'm going to plummet. And I'm only hurting myself the more I try and keep balance.
My dad cheated on my mom when I was 14. At the time, I felt like I was watching a movie. Like it wasn't really directed at me, but at someone else's family. I know it wasn't "directed" at me, but I just felt like I was too numb to the event when it happened. I was a teenager, I was too busy trying to become myself, I suppose.
But now, when I finally understand what romantic love is, now is when it's really hitting me. Now is when I really understand just how badly my father affected me. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, he's the only dad I'll ever have. But regardless of that, nothing can change how it's affected me.
In my mind, deep down in the recesses of my subconscious, I don't view trust like I should. My mom trusted my dad for over 20 years. She allowed him all of his freedom, allowed him to go out of town probably once a month for all that time. She never put restrictions on him, never called him 20 times a day, never did any of that. She was loyal and felt he was just as loyal too. And he stomped all over that trust. It shattered her heart and completely devastated her. For over four months, he kept up such a perfect lie, hiding his girlfriend. But eventually, he couldn't keep it up. And he gave up 23 years of his marriage for that woman.
In my experience, I saw my mom suffer so badly for giving that trust. Granted, it wasn't her fault. That wasn't a "normal" relationship. But I think it just fucked up my thought process just enough to cause me problems now.
I love my girlfriend. I love Elaine with all of my heart. But I'm hurting her, and it's scaring me. A relationship just isn't a relationship without trust. It just...doesn't happen, at least not in a healthy fashion. It's taken me so much effort to give her that trust, but now that I do, I feel so vulnerable, so fragile. I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but I just feel like...just one wrong move from me or her and my world is going to come crashing down. When she grows distant to me, I feel so alone, and I do whatever it takes to get her close again. But what I end up doing is fighting with her, making up, and getting that high from the post-fight affection. Then when things go back to normal, she grows a little distant from being annoyed at our fight. And the downward spiral continues.
Of course, I've talked to her about this, so she understands (at least for the most part) how I'm feeling. But I want to be more comfortable. I want to give her my undenying trust without having to feel this way. I want to go an entire day without wondering what she's doing (in the negative sense). I want to just...relax and not worry. And I know she wants that too. But where do I start? What do I do? How can I keep from fighting with her and continuing this path of destruction I'm paving? God, that sounds so pathetic, but it's true. No one can put up with someone who just presses their buttons all the time for one extra ounce of affection.
It's not like I really expect anyone to read this, much less reply. But if there's anyone out there who knows how this feels, you would be a miracle right now. I can't keep doing this. I'm terrified of driving her away in my attempt to get her closer. And if things broke off? I would just continue this same pattern with someone else. If I can't heal myself now, then when? I can't stand that I've regressed into this depressed, whiny version of myself. But I just need a boost of...of something. My 21st birthday is coming up in a month, so maybe that will give me the motivational boost I need. I really don't know. What I do know is that I don't want to be the person I am right now. I don't want to keep doing this to her and myself.
I feel like I'm standing naked, in a pit of lions. Just one wrong twitch of a muscle and it's over. I feel like I'm on a tight rope, and if I take just one wrong step, I'm going to plummet. And I'm only hurting myself the more I try and keep balance.
My dad cheated on my mom when I was 14. At the time, I felt like I was watching a movie. Like it wasn't really directed at me, but at someone else's family. I know it wasn't "directed" at me, but I just felt like I was too numb to the event when it happened. I was a teenager, I was too busy trying to become myself, I suppose.
But now, when I finally understand what romantic love is, now is when it's really hitting me. Now is when I really understand just how badly my father affected me. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, he's the only dad I'll ever have. But regardless of that, nothing can change how it's affected me.
In my mind, deep down in the recesses of my subconscious, I don't view trust like I should. My mom trusted my dad for over 20 years. She allowed him all of his freedom, allowed him to go out of town probably once a month for all that time. She never put restrictions on him, never called him 20 times a day, never did any of that. She was loyal and felt he was just as loyal too. And he stomped all over that trust. It shattered her heart and completely devastated her. For over four months, he kept up such a perfect lie, hiding his girlfriend. But eventually, he couldn't keep it up. And he gave up 23 years of his marriage for that woman.
In my experience, I saw my mom suffer so badly for giving that trust. Granted, it wasn't her fault. That wasn't a "normal" relationship. But I think it just fucked up my thought process just enough to cause me problems now.
I love my girlfriend. I love Elaine with all of my heart. But I'm hurting her, and it's scaring me. A relationship just isn't a relationship without trust. It just...doesn't happen, at least not in a healthy fashion. It's taken me so much effort to give her that trust, but now that I do, I feel so vulnerable, so fragile. I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but I just feel like...just one wrong move from me or her and my world is going to come crashing down. When she grows distant to me, I feel so alone, and I do whatever it takes to get her close again. But what I end up doing is fighting with her, making up, and getting that high from the post-fight affection. Then when things go back to normal, she grows a little distant from being annoyed at our fight. And the downward spiral continues.
Of course, I've talked to her about this, so she understands (at least for the most part) how I'm feeling. But I want to be more comfortable. I want to give her my undenying trust without having to feel this way. I want to go an entire day without wondering what she's doing (in the negative sense). I want to just...relax and not worry. And I know she wants that too. But where do I start? What do I do? How can I keep from fighting with her and continuing this path of destruction I'm paving? God, that sounds so pathetic, but it's true. No one can put up with someone who just presses their buttons all the time for one extra ounce of affection.
It's not like I really expect anyone to read this, much less reply. But if there's anyone out there who knows how this feels, you would be a miracle right now. I can't keep doing this. I'm terrified of driving her away in my attempt to get her closer. And if things broke off? I would just continue this same pattern with someone else. If I can't heal myself now, then when? I can't stand that I've regressed into this depressed, whiny version of myself. But I just need a boost of...of something. My 21st birthday is coming up in a month, so maybe that will give me the motivational boost I need. I really don't know. What I do know is that I don't want to be the person I am right now. I don't want to keep doing this to her and myself.