Don't Let the Darkness Scare You
Title: Don’t Let the Darkness Scare You
Pairing: Daesung/Taeyang
Rating: PG-13
Genre: ar, angst
Warnings: SA; intrusive thoughts
Summary: "Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.” - Stephen King
A/N: Taken from a prompt by ymo1157. Hope you like it!
Prompt~ Point of Breaking
“Don’t you dare walk away from this… from me.” Daesung flinched at the burning anger in Taeyang’s voice. But he couldn’t turn around; if he did he would break. And Kang Daesung didn’t break, didn’t show his emotions, and didn’t let his secrets go. Even the people he cared for the most, his members --his brothers, couldn’t break the wall he had built around himself. That was who he was. He was the smiling angel of Bigbang, he was the jokester, the one everyone looked to, to brighten their day. But how could he brighten their lives when he couldn’t even lighten his?
“Youngbae… it’s over please accept that… I have nothing left… not for you anyway.” Daesung could feel the sudden flinch even without looking at him, hurt was seeping off Youngbae. He had cut him, sliced him open, made his best friend, his lover, bleed. He sighed and rolled his shoulders and painfully reached for the doorknob. He had to go now. If he stayed any longer he’d end up running into Youngbae’s arms and begging for forgiveness… something that he did not deserve. He was a coward.
Even worse he was sick, tainted, infected with a dark poison that would spread. Something he could not, would not let happen to Youngbae. Even though he was destroying both of them now, he knew Youngbae would survive and eventually live and thrive. He was not so sure about himself. Frankly he didn’t care. He turned the doorknob, letting the sharp cold greet him as he left everything he was behind.
He gasped and heaved in a bitter breath. He let the icy air seep into his body and reveled in the feeling of the cold filling him. This was who he was… who he had to be. He had to become a heartless Kang Daesung. One that didn’t let feelings into his life, feelings were weakening something he could not afford to be.
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Daesung felt the rough tongue fill his mouth and block his airway. He was crushed against a wall with no way to escape. Hands roamed over him, greedy, lust filled hands. He had wanted this at first. The alcohol had made the stranger seem mysterious and handsome. He had wanted to get back at Youngbae. Their relationship was slowly spiraling out of control. And he was hurt. He wanted Youngbae to feel pain too.
That’s why he went to the bar and got drunk. He didn’t know why he wanted to hurt Youngbae. No he did, somewhere deep inside him there was a monster, a monster that thrived on the pain of others. He had felt a thrill of intense pleasure when the stranger came to him. Not because he was looking for a sex filled night but because he was going to hurt someone. He was happy to wound someone. It felt freeing.
But he regretted it as soon as his lips became crushed under the strangers. He couldn’t cheat on Youngbae, he loved him too much. He was disgusted with himself. How could he resort to something so low? He deserved the violent caresses of the stranger. Even as he protested the hands that slid to his pants and roughly pulled them down, he knew that he deserved it. He tried to fight back.
Where did all of his strength go? He was helpless as he felt the hand reach down and stroke him. In his mind he was screaming no. The words wouldn’t reach his mouth though. He deserved this punishment. He deserved the inability to say no. The stranger was whispering foul things in his ear. All he could do was close his eyes and let his body go limp.
He lost track of time. Had it been hours? Minutes? He didn’t know. His mind had gone blank. Escaped into that place where people go when something terrible happens. He wasn’t in his body anymore. He was somewhere else, a void of nothingness. He liked that. At least he couldn’t feel anything, couldn’t hurt anyone. He was brought screeching back when he felt the hand stroke him one last time.
Stroke him long and hard until he came moaning. He was actually moaning. Even worse as he came he thought of the one thing pure in his life, Youngbae. He heard the soft chuckle of the stranger as he pulled out and got dressed. Daesung closed his eyes, the stranger’s footsteps echoing in his mind as he walked out. Leaving Daesung there like used trash. And that’s what he was… trash, filth.
Tears spilled from under his eye lids. He curled into a ball. And cried. Silent tears ran down his face. Everything was broken. His mind, his body, his life…
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He couldn’t forgive himself. Not for allowing his sin to taint Youngbae. That’s why he had to end it. No matter how harsh he was, he wanted to make sure Youngbae hated him. He only deserved hate. Love was unacceptable especially for letting his inner monsters catch up with him. A shadow of his usual smile appeared on his face.
‘This is what you get Kang Daesung, for letting them loose. You are not everyone’s light. You are the thing they should run from. You are the darkness. They are the light.’ And the two can’t commingle. One always chased the other away. And he couldn’t take away their light. He felt the sting of tears that bubbled at the surface. He grimaced. He wouldn’t be weak. The darkness didn’t cry. The darkness made others cry. He heard his name called from a distance. He looked back at Youngbae. Youngbae’s face switched from desperation to horror.
He saw something that made his blood run cold. Daesung felt a smile creep onto his face. That was better. He finally saw the real Kang Daesung… how terrifying the darkness really was.