Gains and Losses- Chapter 11: "Memories" (Havoc)
This is the eleventh chapter of the arc called "Gains and Losses". It is Havoc-centric. It is set in the mangaverse, so if you don't know what happens to Havoc around Chapter 38, then read it before you start this fic.
Title: Memories
Author: SeaweedOtter
Beta: The awesome (have I used awesome yet?) havocmangawip
Characters: Mostly Jean Havoc, but most of the rest of the gang appears.
Rating: PG-13 for a little language.
Disclaimer: Manga Spoilers... Set in the manga, a couple years after the end of chapter 38. Maybe AU?
Summary: Memories can hurt, but they can also heal.
Read all the chapters so far HERE!
There was no mistaking the smile on Maria Ross' face when Havoc came back into the waiting room. He smiled softly and stopped his wheelchair next to where she was sitting.
A lump formed in his throat, and his heart started to race. "Um... Maria?"
"Yes, Jean?"
"About before... I was about to tell you something."
"Yes, what was it?"
"Maria... I...” He paused and took a deep breath, wanting to blurt it out before he talked himself out of it. "I... think I like you... a lot.”
She blushed deeply and a smile spread across her face. He put his hand on top of hers for just a moment, to feel the smoothness of her skin.
"I like you too, Jean," she admitted after a brief moment. She could almost see his heart leap when she said it, his shoulders lifting, his bright blue eyes shined like they hadn't in years- since before all of this.
Almost immediately though, he slumped again and sighed heavily. He dropped his head and stared at his lap.
"What’s wrong, Jean?" Maria asked sounding worried.
"Aw, it's nothing."
"No, it isn't," she said sternly, then took his chin and pulled his gaze to hers for the second time that day. "You have something on your mind. What is it? If you really do like me, then you should feel like you can tell me anything."
He tried to avoid her deep azure eyes as he replied, "It’s just that you deserve better than me."
"Why would you say that?" she asked with hurt and anger behind her voice.
"Look at me," he replied softly. "I am not even a whole man. Hell, I don’t even know if everything works." He grimaced slightly. Her face showed that she knew what he was talking about. She pondered for a brief moment that she should remind him about the incident that happened that sparked all of this, but she then she thought better of it.
"Unlike most men, that isn't all I think about," she said, and then smiled and gave his hand a little squeeze. "I don't care about you being in that chair. I like you for you. I remember you before the... incident, and do you want to know something?" she didn't pause long enough for him to try to answer. "I thought you were cute then, too. I just didn't get to see you enough to really get to talk to you and get to know you. Now I do know you better, and know that how I felt before was right."
Havoc let out a short breath. So she had liked me, too? He said to himself. He had admired her from a distance when they worked together, but he had never approached her- partially because he was worried about interoffice dating, but it was more because he was pretty sure that Mustang would have tried to get his mitts on her. He knew that if Mustang had tried to make a move, it would end up like it always did, with Havoc in the loser's corner.
It took a few moments for Havoc to be able to say anything. He wasn't sure how to respond. "T-t-thanks," was all he could muster. He sighed softly and went back to looking down at his lap and thinking about how much better it could have gone. But at least he had told her how he felt. And he knew that she felt the same way. All Jean Havoc could do was hope that he was finally getting some of that 'equivalent exchange' that he thought he was due.
______________________________________________________________________________
The two continued to chat for a few minutes. It was a pleasant conversation, although there was an undercurrent of nervousness. Neither of them was sure about how to bring up the conversation that they had been having. Finally Ross found her way back, when they were talking about the layout of the hospital- a layout that Havoc had learned well in the past.
"Hey, Jean."
"Yeah?"
"Could I ask you... a question, about your injury?"
"I guess."
"How do you deal with something like that? I mean I can't even imagine something like not being able to use my legs."
Havoc sighed and started to nibble on his lower lip and then replied, "It was hard, but I didn't really have a choice."
************************************************************************************
"Jean, are you awake?"
Havoc slowly opened his eyes. At first there was nothing but blinding whiteness. He blinked a couple of times, and he saw human shapes begin to form in front of him. He breathed in and out, sharp pain making him wince each time his lungs filled with air.
"Lieutenant Havoc?"
His vision cleared, his head throbbed and his whole body was sore. Through still foggy eyes, he looked at himself. He was pretty sure that he was wearing the distinctive green of a hospital gown. His right arm had an I.V. line in it, making him shiver. Needles reminded him... of her.
Needles piercing his flesh, running him through...
"Havoc?"
The voices were familiar. He heard Mustang's deep, gruff voice and Hawkeye's as well. There were other voices that he didn't recognize.
"Yeah,” he replied, his voice not sounding like his own. It was dry, crackling, soft.
"It is good to hear you, Lieutenant Havoc."
"Colonel?"
"Yes, Jean. I am here."
"I don't feel so good."
"You don't look good either," he joked, relief evident in his voice. "It was touch and go for a while, but you are alright."
Havoc's head swam and he closed his eyes. "I am tired, Mustang."
"It's okay, Havoc. You are safe now, just rest."
"Rest...” he repeated, almost asleep before he finished saying the word. He didn't notice that he couldn't feel the hand resting on his knee.
___________________________________________________________________________________
He wasn't sure how much time had passed before he woke up again. His eyes focused faster this time, and it wasn't nearly as painful to do the simple things, like breathe and blink. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mustang again, but he was asleep, in bed. Was that where he had been before? He wasn't really sure.
He wriggled his fingers. They all seemed to be there. His elbows moved. He hardly had the strength to, but he could lift the arm up that wasn't attached to the I.V. (He told himself not to think about *her*). He could barely lift his head off the pillow, but it still moved. He could breathe, so at least that seemed to be working.
So why couldn't he feel his legs?
He tried to wiggle his toes. He concentrated on it, shutting his eyes and straining, but he couldn't feel them at all. He tried his knees. Nothing. Panic set in. Maybe it would come back? He had to hope that it would. What if it didn't? How the hell was he going to live like this?
And where the hell were his cigarettes?
Havoc didn't have time to think about much more. A doctor came in, holding a chart. He was followed closely by a pretty blonde nurse. Ordinarily, he would have made a comment, or at least tried to start a conversation with her. But he saw the pity in her eyes, and his stomach churned. He had a bad feeling that this wasn't temporary.
"Hello Lieutenant Havoc. My name is Doctor Bell and this is Nurse Northrop." It felt like he was in a tunnel, everything was moving in slow motion. He could see the doctor's mouth moving, but he might as well have been speaking a foreign language. His brain simply didn't want to comprehend all of this.
He caught snippets of the conversation. “T-12... spinal cord... swelling... rods... no feeling... " He tried to concentrate on the doctor's lips, maybe he could read his lips and understand him better, but his eyes started to lose focus again. The room was spinning, and he felt really warm.
"I... gotta sleep,” he muttered before he closed his eyes again.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
When he came to, Mustang was awake and Hawkeye was sitting at the side of his bed.
"Hey," he croaked out. Immediately Hawkeye stood up and straightened her uniform. Havoc thought he had almost caught a glimpse of a blush to her cheeks, but he wasn't positive.
"Welcome back, Lieutenant Havoc."
"Thanks, Chief."
************************************************************************************
Ross didn't try to hide the tears in her eyes when Havoc finished his story.
"I went through a bunch of tests, and they told me all this crazy medical jargon. I can't say that I understood it, but I understood that I was gonna be stuck in this thing," he said as he banged the side of the wheelchair with his fist, creating a loud, hollow ringing sound against the cold metal surface that echoed around the empty waiting room.
"A week or so later, I had to break it to Mustang. I guess it was better that Hawkeye was in there as well. The fewer times I had to explain it the better. Of course, Breda came to see me as soon as he was told. He brought Falman and Fuery once, but that poor kid couldn't take hospitals, and he had to leave pretty quickly. Falman left to go make sure he was okay."
"He was alright then?"
"Yeah, I guess he must have had some past experience that spooked him. I don't think anyone ever asked him about it or brought it up after that, but that was the last time those two visited. Breda came by pretty often, and after the Chief left the room was empty and all I could do was think."
Ross nodded. "On one of the visits that Armstrong made to the desert to meet with me and discuss what had been going on in Amestris and the plans to bring me back, he told me about it. I admit that I was shocked. I felt... horrible. Still, even from the first time I saw you, on the gymnasium floor, I could still see the old Havoc there, even though you looked a little older, a little more battle weary, it was still you.
Havoc let out a long, soft sigh and then said, "And I guess he told you about my little outburst then, right?"
"Yes, Jean. He did. He told me that you yelled at Mustang to leave you behind, and he told you that he was going to be waiting for you at the top." She smiled, rubbing a single finger over his hand. "And I guess you found a way to meet him, didn't you? Back here in Central, with a job at Command."
He smiled and nodded. "Yeah, we have changed, but we are all back. Fuhrer Mustang, Lieutenant Colonel Hawkeye, Lieutenant Colonel Armstrong, Second Lieutenant Fuery, First Lieutenant Falman, and Major Breda," he said and then smirked, the corners of his mouth turning up. "It is pretty bad. I’m gone for a few years, and now everyone but Fuery outranks me. Even when I catch up, I really don't."
She couldn't stifle her giggle, though she tried to hide it with her hand. "Well, you should be happy with where you are, not where you aren't. You can stand. You are supporting yourself, but even that is better than just staying in the chair. I bet there are a lot of people who have been injured who can't even do that."
Havoc gave a dismissive grunt and then said sarcastically, "Yeah, I guess, though it took me a lot longer to get here than it should have. I was talking to the docs right after I moved back to Central. It took me two and a half years to learn to stand. They said with someone in the shape that I was in before the incident; I should have been standing in less than half the time. If I had kept up with my exercises... I got so depressed that I didn't do any of the routines that they showed me, and my muscles atrophied. It took twice as long to get them back into the shape they needed to be in, and even now I am only starting to get enough upper body strength to keep myself up for any length of time."
"That may be right, but look at you. You seem happy. You are about to be a godparent, and you had the courage to admit your feelings, something a lot of guys can't do. You are a strong person, Jean. I admire that. That is what I... what I love about you,” she said as she blushed and then turned away.
"Maria, I-”
"Excuse me; are you two waiting for Janet Breda?" A doctor said softly, interrupting their conversation.
"Yes we... “ Havoc said and then turned, annoyed at the interruption, until he saw the face of the doctor that had come to speak to them. "Doctor Bell?"
He smiled, the age creases around his mouth stretching. "Yes, Jean. It is nice to see you again." He reached out his hand and Havoc gave him a firm handshake and a smile. "Wow that is some grip you got there. It's nice to see your recovery is on track."
"I never thought I would see you again, Doc. I am glad it is under better circumstances," he paused and then added, "It... is good news, right Doc?"
He nodded and smiled. "Yes. The mother and child are doing fine. It’s a girl, 7 pounds 4 ounces. It actually went very quickly, a smooth delivery. She has been resting for a while, but I think it would be okay if you want to go see them."
Havoc quickly shook his hand again. "Thanks Doc, for then and now. We would love to go see them." He glanced over at Ross who was beaming. She stood up and started to wheel Havoc to follow the Doc. He almost missed the knowing smile that Doctor Bell flashed. "I am sure you two do."
_______________________________________________________________________________________
A short time later, the doctor showed them to room 113. "Go on in. I think she is still awake."
"Thanks."
Ross knocked on the door and then pushed her way in, wheeling Havoc in front of her.
"Hey, Breda, I heard you went and had a kid!" Havoc waved his hand as he yelled in greeting.
"Yeah Havo, she’s in the nursery now, but she is beautiful! You need to go see her!" he exclaimed and then released his grip on his sleeping wife's hand.
"Oh. Sorry. I didn't mean to yell," Jean replied sheepishly.
"It’s okay. She’s out like a light," he said and smiled. "She probably won't wake up for a while. Let's go take you guys to the nursery."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
The nursery was only a couple of corridors away from Janet's room. They couldn't go in the room, but there was a large window that looked in, so one could see all the bassinets in the room.
"There she is second row, right on the end!" Breda said as he beamed with pride. Havoc had to stretch just a little to see over the ledge. He strained his eyes to see inside. He spotted her. She was already pretty strong, squirming around under her pink blanket. She was chubby, but long, and she had a shock of strawberry red hair, like her father and her mother's green eyes.
"She is beautiful, Breda. What is her name?"
"Jennifer Anne Breda."
"That’s a pretty name for a pretty girl."
"Yeah..." Breda said as a wide, goofy grin crossed his features.
"What?" Havoc asked, confused.
"Nothin', this has just been a perfect day." He decided not to tell that he noticed that Jean and Maria had been holding hands the whole time they had been there.
Title: Memories
Author: SeaweedOtter
Beta: The awesome (have I used awesome yet?) havocmangawip
Characters: Mostly Jean Havoc, but most of the rest of the gang appears.
Rating: PG-13 for a little language.
Disclaimer: Manga Spoilers... Set in the manga, a couple years after the end of chapter 38. Maybe AU?
Summary: Memories can hurt, but they can also heal.
Read all the chapters so far HERE!
There was no mistaking the smile on Maria Ross' face when Havoc came back into the waiting room. He smiled softly and stopped his wheelchair next to where she was sitting.
A lump formed in his throat, and his heart started to race. "Um... Maria?"
"Yes, Jean?"
"About before... I was about to tell you something."
"Yes, what was it?"
"Maria... I...” He paused and took a deep breath, wanting to blurt it out before he talked himself out of it. "I... think I like you... a lot.”
She blushed deeply and a smile spread across her face. He put his hand on top of hers for just a moment, to feel the smoothness of her skin.
"I like you too, Jean," she admitted after a brief moment. She could almost see his heart leap when she said it, his shoulders lifting, his bright blue eyes shined like they hadn't in years- since before all of this.
Almost immediately though, he slumped again and sighed heavily. He dropped his head and stared at his lap.
"What’s wrong, Jean?" Maria asked sounding worried.
"Aw, it's nothing."
"No, it isn't," she said sternly, then took his chin and pulled his gaze to hers for the second time that day. "You have something on your mind. What is it? If you really do like me, then you should feel like you can tell me anything."
He tried to avoid her deep azure eyes as he replied, "It’s just that you deserve better than me."
"Why would you say that?" she asked with hurt and anger behind her voice.
"Look at me," he replied softly. "I am not even a whole man. Hell, I don’t even know if everything works." He grimaced slightly. Her face showed that she knew what he was talking about. She pondered for a brief moment that she should remind him about the incident that happened that sparked all of this, but she then she thought better of it.
"Unlike most men, that isn't all I think about," she said, and then smiled and gave his hand a little squeeze. "I don't care about you being in that chair. I like you for you. I remember you before the... incident, and do you want to know something?" she didn't pause long enough for him to try to answer. "I thought you were cute then, too. I just didn't get to see you enough to really get to talk to you and get to know you. Now I do know you better, and know that how I felt before was right."
Havoc let out a short breath. So she had liked me, too? He said to himself. He had admired her from a distance when they worked together, but he had never approached her- partially because he was worried about interoffice dating, but it was more because he was pretty sure that Mustang would have tried to get his mitts on her. He knew that if Mustang had tried to make a move, it would end up like it always did, with Havoc in the loser's corner.
It took a few moments for Havoc to be able to say anything. He wasn't sure how to respond. "T-t-thanks," was all he could muster. He sighed softly and went back to looking down at his lap and thinking about how much better it could have gone. But at least he had told her how he felt. And he knew that she felt the same way. All Jean Havoc could do was hope that he was finally getting some of that 'equivalent exchange' that he thought he was due.
______________________________________________________________________________
The two continued to chat for a few minutes. It was a pleasant conversation, although there was an undercurrent of nervousness. Neither of them was sure about how to bring up the conversation that they had been having. Finally Ross found her way back, when they were talking about the layout of the hospital- a layout that Havoc had learned well in the past.
"Hey, Jean."
"Yeah?"
"Could I ask you... a question, about your injury?"
"I guess."
"How do you deal with something like that? I mean I can't even imagine something like not being able to use my legs."
Havoc sighed and started to nibble on his lower lip and then replied, "It was hard, but I didn't really have a choice."
************************************************************************************
"Jean, are you awake?"
Havoc slowly opened his eyes. At first there was nothing but blinding whiteness. He blinked a couple of times, and he saw human shapes begin to form in front of him. He breathed in and out, sharp pain making him wince each time his lungs filled with air.
"Lieutenant Havoc?"
His vision cleared, his head throbbed and his whole body was sore. Through still foggy eyes, he looked at himself. He was pretty sure that he was wearing the distinctive green of a hospital gown. His right arm had an I.V. line in it, making him shiver. Needles reminded him... of her.
Needles piercing his flesh, running him through...
"Havoc?"
The voices were familiar. He heard Mustang's deep, gruff voice and Hawkeye's as well. There were other voices that he didn't recognize.
"Yeah,” he replied, his voice not sounding like his own. It was dry, crackling, soft.
"It is good to hear you, Lieutenant Havoc."
"Colonel?"
"Yes, Jean. I am here."
"I don't feel so good."
"You don't look good either," he joked, relief evident in his voice. "It was touch and go for a while, but you are alright."
Havoc's head swam and he closed his eyes. "I am tired, Mustang."
"It's okay, Havoc. You are safe now, just rest."
"Rest...” he repeated, almost asleep before he finished saying the word. He didn't notice that he couldn't feel the hand resting on his knee.
___________________________________________________________________________________
He wasn't sure how much time had passed before he woke up again. His eyes focused faster this time, and it wasn't nearly as painful to do the simple things, like breathe and blink. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mustang again, but he was asleep, in bed. Was that where he had been before? He wasn't really sure.
He wriggled his fingers. They all seemed to be there. His elbows moved. He hardly had the strength to, but he could lift the arm up that wasn't attached to the I.V. (He told himself not to think about *her*). He could barely lift his head off the pillow, but it still moved. He could breathe, so at least that seemed to be working.
So why couldn't he feel his legs?
He tried to wiggle his toes. He concentrated on it, shutting his eyes and straining, but he couldn't feel them at all. He tried his knees. Nothing. Panic set in. Maybe it would come back? He had to hope that it would. What if it didn't? How the hell was he going to live like this?
And where the hell were his cigarettes?
Havoc didn't have time to think about much more. A doctor came in, holding a chart. He was followed closely by a pretty blonde nurse. Ordinarily, he would have made a comment, or at least tried to start a conversation with her. But he saw the pity in her eyes, and his stomach churned. He had a bad feeling that this wasn't temporary.
"Hello Lieutenant Havoc. My name is Doctor Bell and this is Nurse Northrop." It felt like he was in a tunnel, everything was moving in slow motion. He could see the doctor's mouth moving, but he might as well have been speaking a foreign language. His brain simply didn't want to comprehend all of this.
He caught snippets of the conversation. “T-12... spinal cord... swelling... rods... no feeling... " He tried to concentrate on the doctor's lips, maybe he could read his lips and understand him better, but his eyes started to lose focus again. The room was spinning, and he felt really warm.
"I... gotta sleep,” he muttered before he closed his eyes again.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
When he came to, Mustang was awake and Hawkeye was sitting at the side of his bed.
"Hey," he croaked out. Immediately Hawkeye stood up and straightened her uniform. Havoc thought he had almost caught a glimpse of a blush to her cheeks, but he wasn't positive.
"Welcome back, Lieutenant Havoc."
"Thanks, Chief."
************************************************************************************
Ross didn't try to hide the tears in her eyes when Havoc finished his story.
"I went through a bunch of tests, and they told me all this crazy medical jargon. I can't say that I understood it, but I understood that I was gonna be stuck in this thing," he said as he banged the side of the wheelchair with his fist, creating a loud, hollow ringing sound against the cold metal surface that echoed around the empty waiting room.
"A week or so later, I had to break it to Mustang. I guess it was better that Hawkeye was in there as well. The fewer times I had to explain it the better. Of course, Breda came to see me as soon as he was told. He brought Falman and Fuery once, but that poor kid couldn't take hospitals, and he had to leave pretty quickly. Falman left to go make sure he was okay."
"He was alright then?"
"Yeah, I guess he must have had some past experience that spooked him. I don't think anyone ever asked him about it or brought it up after that, but that was the last time those two visited. Breda came by pretty often, and after the Chief left the room was empty and all I could do was think."
Ross nodded. "On one of the visits that Armstrong made to the desert to meet with me and discuss what had been going on in Amestris and the plans to bring me back, he told me about it. I admit that I was shocked. I felt... horrible. Still, even from the first time I saw you, on the gymnasium floor, I could still see the old Havoc there, even though you looked a little older, a little more battle weary, it was still you.
Havoc let out a long, soft sigh and then said, "And I guess he told you about my little outburst then, right?"
"Yes, Jean. He did. He told me that you yelled at Mustang to leave you behind, and he told you that he was going to be waiting for you at the top." She smiled, rubbing a single finger over his hand. "And I guess you found a way to meet him, didn't you? Back here in Central, with a job at Command."
He smiled and nodded. "Yeah, we have changed, but we are all back. Fuhrer Mustang, Lieutenant Colonel Hawkeye, Lieutenant Colonel Armstrong, Second Lieutenant Fuery, First Lieutenant Falman, and Major Breda," he said and then smirked, the corners of his mouth turning up. "It is pretty bad. I’m gone for a few years, and now everyone but Fuery outranks me. Even when I catch up, I really don't."
She couldn't stifle her giggle, though she tried to hide it with her hand. "Well, you should be happy with where you are, not where you aren't. You can stand. You are supporting yourself, but even that is better than just staying in the chair. I bet there are a lot of people who have been injured who can't even do that."
Havoc gave a dismissive grunt and then said sarcastically, "Yeah, I guess, though it took me a lot longer to get here than it should have. I was talking to the docs right after I moved back to Central. It took me two and a half years to learn to stand. They said with someone in the shape that I was in before the incident; I should have been standing in less than half the time. If I had kept up with my exercises... I got so depressed that I didn't do any of the routines that they showed me, and my muscles atrophied. It took twice as long to get them back into the shape they needed to be in, and even now I am only starting to get enough upper body strength to keep myself up for any length of time."
"That may be right, but look at you. You seem happy. You are about to be a godparent, and you had the courage to admit your feelings, something a lot of guys can't do. You are a strong person, Jean. I admire that. That is what I... what I love about you,” she said as she blushed and then turned away.
"Maria, I-”
"Excuse me; are you two waiting for Janet Breda?" A doctor said softly, interrupting their conversation.
"Yes we... “ Havoc said and then turned, annoyed at the interruption, until he saw the face of the doctor that had come to speak to them. "Doctor Bell?"
He smiled, the age creases around his mouth stretching. "Yes, Jean. It is nice to see you again." He reached out his hand and Havoc gave him a firm handshake and a smile. "Wow that is some grip you got there. It's nice to see your recovery is on track."
"I never thought I would see you again, Doc. I am glad it is under better circumstances," he paused and then added, "It... is good news, right Doc?"
He nodded and smiled. "Yes. The mother and child are doing fine. It’s a girl, 7 pounds 4 ounces. It actually went very quickly, a smooth delivery. She has been resting for a while, but I think it would be okay if you want to go see them."
Havoc quickly shook his hand again. "Thanks Doc, for then and now. We would love to go see them." He glanced over at Ross who was beaming. She stood up and started to wheel Havoc to follow the Doc. He almost missed the knowing smile that Doctor Bell flashed. "I am sure you two do."
_______________________________________________________________________________________
A short time later, the doctor showed them to room 113. "Go on in. I think she is still awake."
"Thanks."
Ross knocked on the door and then pushed her way in, wheeling Havoc in front of her.
"Hey, Breda, I heard you went and had a kid!" Havoc waved his hand as he yelled in greeting.
"Yeah Havo, she’s in the nursery now, but she is beautiful! You need to go see her!" he exclaimed and then released his grip on his sleeping wife's hand.
"Oh. Sorry. I didn't mean to yell," Jean replied sheepishly.
"It’s okay. She’s out like a light," he said and smiled. "She probably won't wake up for a while. Let's go take you guys to the nursery."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
The nursery was only a couple of corridors away from Janet's room. They couldn't go in the room, but there was a large window that looked in, so one could see all the bassinets in the room.
"There she is second row, right on the end!" Breda said as he beamed with pride. Havoc had to stretch just a little to see over the ledge. He strained his eyes to see inside. He spotted her. She was already pretty strong, squirming around under her pink blanket. She was chubby, but long, and she had a shock of strawberry red hair, like her father and her mother's green eyes.
"She is beautiful, Breda. What is her name?"
"Jennifer Anne Breda."
"That’s a pretty name for a pretty girl."
"Yeah..." Breda said as a wide, goofy grin crossed his features.
"What?" Havoc asked, confused.
"Nothin', this has just been a perfect day." He decided not to tell that he noticed that Jean and Maria had been holding hands the whole time they had been there.