(no subject)
Title: Breathe Me - Chapter Thirteen
Pairing: Harry/Louis
Summary: Neither Harry, nor Louis, knew what they were getting into when they boarded the Titanic that day. Nobody could have prepared them for what was about to happen to them, because nobody knew just how much their lives would change within the next few days.
AN: I wish I could say that I deliberately waited until the 101st anniversary of the last time Titanic saw daylight in order to update the point in the story where Titanic last saw daylight, but I can't. I'm not that funny.
-
Zayn was panicked. He felt cold and clammy, fear settling in his chest as he looked around, desperately trying to catch a glance of shiny blonde hair. He couldn't believe he had lost her, that he had let go.
“Fuck,” he whined, bringing his hands up to cover his face. There were people around, too many people. Too many girls with blonde hair and innocent blue eyes, but none the right one. “Lottie!”
His shout served no effect, too many screams muffled his own, too many people crying for their loved ones and for their safety. Above all that, though, he heard something else. Someone else.
“Zayn!”
Spinning around, he could see two familiar boys making their way towards him-- Louis. And Harry. Louis and Harry, and fuck if Zayn wasn't relieved to see them.
“Zayn, you're alright, thank god.” Louis assured himself, hands coming to rest atop of the other boy's shoulders, smoothing out the crease on his jacket. “Where's Lottie?”
There was silence for a moment, Harry glancing around as the two talked, looking out for the young blonde who he had a faint recollection of. It was hard to forget what she looked like, really, especially since the two had, quite literally, bumped into each other in that corridor what felt like so long ago but hadn't it even been a week since. He couldn't see her.
“Lou, shit Louis, I'm so sorry.” Zayn babbled, eyes frantically searching the crowd. “I let go, she let go, I don't know. I was holding her hand, and then I wasn't. And I can't find her, Lou. I can't-- can't fucking find her.”
Louis swallowed, an uncomfortable feeling rising up in his gut, spreading through his veins and making his skin crawl. She wasn't with Zayn. She wasn't here. She was lost, on a sinking ship, alone. “Fuck,” he hissed, curling one hand into a fist and pressing it against his lips. “Okay... Zayn, I need you to get to the top deck. Niall's there, just find him and for Gods sake stick together. We'll find Lottie, and-- and we'll meet you there, okay? We'll find you.”
“Louis...” Zayn started, shaking his head softly. They both knew what he was worried about; that small 'what if' that ate away inside each of their minds, the small possibility that they might not make it. Might not come back.
“We'll find you.” Louis repeated firmly, only a small waver in his tone.
Zayn pulled him forward, hugging him tightly. “I'll see you later.” he whispered, chin resting atop of Louis' shoulder.
Harry swallowed, glancing around “Lou, we should...” there was another creek, another iron groan followed by screaming and a flickering of lights.
“Shit” Louis cursed, pulling away from Zayn. “Find Niall!” he called, grabbing Harry's hand and leading them towards the stairs.
Everything was chaos. Louis' lungs felt far too small, burning hotly as he breathed and worry clouded his mind, filled every edge and flooded him, squeezing tightly around his heart as he tried to push past the crowds of people whilst not letting go of Harry's hand. Harry, given his due, remained calmer than expected. Granted, his hand was shaking and sweaty within Louis' own and his breathing was just as laboured, but he was here. He was here and he didn't have to be. He could have gone by now, got on a boat and made it out safely with Phillipa and his family, but instead he had chosen to hold Louis' hand and run. To go down instead of up, and he must know. He must know that the possibility of them not coming back was a little larger than slim.
“Harry, wait, stop.” Louis gasped, pulling to a stop as he leaned against the cold wall, the white paint unpeeled. Still new.
“What is it? We need to-- Lottie...”
Louis nodded. “I know. I know and she's going to be okay. She is. But, Harry, I need you to know that-- that we could die. We could die here, the ship is sinking and we're getting closer and closer to where there's a great fucking hole in the side of it, and... I want you to know that you can go. I won't hold it against you, not ever. You've got family too, you care about them just as much as I care about Charlotte, and you could be gone. You can, if you want to. Go, that is. I mean--”
“Fuck,” Harry breathed, pressing in to Louis' personal space, leaving nothing but a few inches between them. “Louis,” he whispered, nose brushing against the other boy's. “you really are an idiot sometimes.” He kissed him, then. Soft and slow and wet, the drumming of blood in his hears and fire in his lungs were nothing to stop them. There were people rushing past, people bumping into them and shoving their shoulders in an attempt to make it away from whatever fate lay for those who ventured further below deck, but nobody was sparing them a second thought or a cruel word. It wouldn't be like this normally, they knew that. They knew that if this had been any other day then they would be shunned, would face ridicule and glares, but for now? They were like any other couple. “I'm not leaving you.” Harry said, pulling away to rest his forehead against Louis'. “Ever. I'd rather be anywhere, including here, than somewhere without you. So you're stuck with me, okay?”
Louis licked his lips, breathing coming a little easier now than it had a minute ago. “You promise?” he whispered.
And despite everything, despite the panic and the crying, Harry smiled. “I promise.”
.
Gemma paced the deck. Or rather, the meter of space she had in front of her. Harry wasn't here.
“Darling, where is he?” Anne whispered, glancing around frantically as she worried her bottom lip. Her son was missing on a sinking ship.
“He'll be here.” Gemma insisted, hands rubbing her upper arms in an attempt to warm herself. It was cold, exceedingly so, if the way her breath clouded before her was anything to go by. She dreaded to think what the water below would feel like. “He will.”
“I hope you're right.” Anne murmured, watching as families with glossy eyes and flushed cheeks were hoarded into lifeboats. She should have been more scared, she thought. Here she was, outside on a ship that was never meant to sink and only had enough lifeboats for half the people on board, yet she wasn't nervous for herself. She was nervous for Harry. Her son. The boy who had defended her against Denis for all these years, who put up with being paired off with a woman for the sake of money, who found happiness on a crossing to America with another boy-- something which, yes, Anne was prepared to admit that she didn't completely understand. But Harry had been happy with Louis, and wasn't that all that mattered? That her son was happy, whether it be with another boy or another girl?
“What are you thinking about?” Gemma asked softly, edging closer to her mother for both comfort and warmth.
Anne bit her lip. “He's happy, isn't he, Gem?”
“Oh, mum...” Gemma sighed, wrapping her arms around the older woman. “It's alright. He's going to be fine. He's...” she swallowed, trying to think how to put her thoughts into words. It was difficult. Difficult to vocalise something that you know but at the same time, don't. “He loves him, mum. I know I don't know what that feels like-- to love somebody. It's not happened to me yet, but... but I know. He's miserable without him, whenever he came back to the suite after being out with Louis, he just... he was a different person, you know? I haven't seen him smile that much since-- since ever.”
“But what would people think?” Anne choked out, burying her face in the crook of Gemma's neck. “They would never accept him. They'd have him sectioned, or even arrested, and I c-- I can't see that happen to him.”
“So they hide.” Gemma said, as if it was obvious. “They hide who they are and they keep everything behind closed doors, but wouldn't that be worth it? Wouldn't it be worth keeping it a secret if it means he's happy? Better that than being in a marriage where neither party are happy. He's our Harry, mum.” she murmurs, shaking her head. “He's still just Harry.”
Anne nodded, pulling away to wipe her eyes. “Yes. Yes, you're right.” She let out a sound that was half way between a laugh and a sob, gloved hands scrubbing at her cheeks. “God, I... I just need him to be okay. I need--”
But before Anne could finish talking, before her sentence was over, a firm hand gripped her upper arm, forcing her to turn. “There's a boat ready.” Denis said gruffly, pulling her coat none too gently.
“But Harry's not here, yet.” Gemma frowned, searching the crowd as if to make her point that much more obvious.
“And there's nothing I can do about that. The kid's going to have to make his own way off, we can't risk staying on here much longer.”
“Dad...”
“No.” Denis shook his head. “I'm not risking my life and the lives of the rest of my family, for the sake of one. It's--”
“Five minutes, Mr. Styles.” It was Phillipa who had interrupted, standing behind the older man with her hands folded neatly in front of her, the collar of her coat pulled up high around her cheeks and a pleading expression in her eyes. “I beg of you, wait five more minutes. Please.”
And oh how everybody knew that Denis would never say no to a Lawson. Gemma had never liked Phillipa. She has always seen her as a stuck up little rich girl and what on earth would she know about being miserable? But as Denis looked at her, his features pained in a way that just screamed discomfort at the thought of waiting for his son, rather than being worried about his welfare, Gemma couldn't help but seek out her gaze and smile, mouthing a silent 'thank you.'
.
Louis didn't even register the fact that his socks and shoes were wet. They were poorly made anyway, but now him and Harry had made their way through the crowds, had managed to get further and further below deck and were walking through at least an inch of water. Neither spoke, simply held the other's hand tightly in their own, knuckles turning white with the strength of their grips.
The lights flickered, causing them to pause for a moment. In all honestly, they were terrified, but that didn't stop either of them from carrying on, from moving closer to the sounds of groaning and rippling water.
“Lottie?!” Louis called-- his throat began to turn hoarse. Faintly, though, so faint that it could only be heard if you were listening for it, was a whimper. “Lottie.” he breathed out, relief flooding through him as he began to run, pulling Harry past fire hoses and closed doors, down the hallway and around the corner. There, at the end of the passageway, sat a young girl with her knees pulled up to her chest, limbs shaking and clothes damp. “Charlotte!”
Things passed somewhat in a blur, then. After what seemed like a mere second, the two boys had reached Lottie and were bent to her level. Louis leaned forwards, pulling her into his arms as he rubbed her back. “Shh, baby, it's okay. It's alright, we're here now. It's all good, okay?”
“I lost Zayn.” Lottie cried, tiny hands clutching at the fabric of Louis' shirt. “I lost him and I couldn't find him, and--”
“Zayn's safe. He's with Niall, it's alright. Let's get you out of here, okay?” Louis smiled, thumbing away the tears on her face.
“Here,” Harry said, taking off his jacket. “You look freezing.”
Louis smiled gratefully at him, a small, private smile that Harry recognised as the same one he had given him when they had hugged that night on deck, before taking the thick material and wrapping it around his sisters shoulders.
“Thank you.” Lottie stuttered, standing as she pushed her arms through and pulled it tighter around her thin frame.
If any of them had wanted to talk, had wanted to say another thing, the chance was stolen from them as another metallic moan filled the air. The water was up to their ankles now, but steadily rising, so cold that it bit at their skin with ice-like pricks.
“We need to get out of here... now.”
.
“Jesus Christ, mate.” Niall cursed, pulled Zayn into a brief but tight hug, then proceeded to punch his shoulder. “You had me worried sick! Where the fuck were you? And where's Lottie? Louis and Harry? What the hell is--”
“We got separated,” Zayn breathed out heavily, bending forwards to rest his hands on his knees. “Shit... me and Lottie, we got separated, and then the boys found me. Told me to get up here and find you while they find her... fuck.”
Niall rubbed his back soothingly, keeping an eye out to make sure they weren't caught by staff. Sure, the chances of them being sent back down to the lower decks were slim to none given the current circumstances, but that didn't change the fact that they weren't supposed to be here, that there was a frightening lack of third-class people surrounding them.
“'Least you're safe, buddy.” he drawled, gaze returning to the hunched over boy in front of him. “And they will be, too. Don't worry.”
“Yeah,” Zayn panted. “Yeah, they're going to be fine.”
Neither acknowledged how the odds seemed to be adding up against them.
.
By the time they had reached A deck, Louis was practically carrying Lottie, one arm wrapped tightly around her waist while the other reached across himself to hold her hand. She was cold, but warmer than before thanks to Harry's jacket. It was calmer here, people in life jackets complaining about the cold and others still sat down to dinner. It suddenly felt so surreal, so strange that they could be so oblivious to the dangers around them.
“Shouldn't we warn them?” He whispered to Harry. “Let them know that this ship is bloody sinking?!”
Harry shook his head stiffly. “They already know. We were all told, all given lifejackets and directed to go up on deck, but...”
“But?” Louis prodded gently. There was something about Harry's tone, something in his eyes that made Louis think he was already grieving, already mourning for them when they were still alive, still had a chance.
“But some people want to die with dignity.” he sighed. “Some don't want to run screaming, don't want to fight for a place on a boat. Others just don't believe it, would rather live in ignorance until forced to believe otherwise... like me an hour ago, hey?” he laughed dryly. “The rest... the rest have just lost hope already.”
Louis smiled sadly, letting go of Lottie's hand to squeeze Harry's. The smile he received was worth the whispers.
They had reached the exit, trailing wet footprints behind them, before they were stopped by a middle aged man in a Starline workers uniform. Harry swore inside his head, of course it had been too easy. “Excuse me, Sir, but you can't come through here.”
“He's with me.” Harry said slowly, deeply, as if daring the attendant to argue otherwise.
“I'm sorry, Sir.” the worker repeated. “But the other Sir and Miss cannot come through here. You can, but they are going to have to go back down the main stairwell.”
“Are you absolutely mental?” Harry frowned. “Look at us! Look at our clothes, our shoes, are you really going to tell them they have to go back down there?”
The attendant's eyes lowered, taking in the water at their feet and the dampness of their clothes. For a brief moment, Harry saw hope. Something changed about this man in front of them, something that made him think that it was going to be okay, but then--
“I'm sorry, Sir.” he said, colder this time, his back straighter. “But your friends are going to have to go back down the main stairwell where all lower-class passengers are waiting.”
Harry breathed in deeply, pinching his nose. “Listen--”
“No, it's fine.” Louis interrupted, voice croaky. Scared. “We'll go. It's alright, Harry. Don't get into trouble because of us, just... just go and find your family, okay? And make sure you get off safely. We'll...we'll do what he says. Go down the main stairwell, a-and... and we'll be fine, but--”
“Lou...” Harry breathed, shaking his head as he turned to face the shorter male. “You bloody idiot, you are my family now. Okay? I'm not leaving you. Either of you.”
Louis licked his lips, chapped from the cold and shouting. “A-are... you mean that?”
“Absolutely.” Harry nodded, flashing a smile (with dimples) before turning and raising his fist, bringing it forwards to crash against the worker's face. The resulting sound was a satisfying crack, one that made Harry wince and try not to shake his knuckles out in pain. He was never doing that again, that was for certain, but he didn't have much time to dwell on what he had done. He grabbed Louis' hand, making sure Louis had Lottie's, before pushing through the doors and pulling them out on deck.
The air was shockingly cold compared to the warmth inside, and Lottie found herself pushing closer to Louis in an attempt to gain body heat, Louis doing the same to Harry.
“We need to find the others.” Harry said, feeling Louis nod against his shoulder, and squeezed his hand. “Come on.”
The top deck, considering how many people had been outside, was still considerably crowded. It took several tries and one very forceful 'Excuse me' on Harry's part to get past a group of women who refused to move, crowding together in the middle of the walkway. The fast pounding of Louis' heart wasn't foreign to him any more, his lungs were still burning, but that was okay. Because Lottie was okay. And they were with Harry, here, on deck. The cold air tickling their skin and water in their shoes reminding them of how damn close they had been to not being here.
And Harry was family.
“Harry!” a voice shattered through them, causing them to stop moving through the crowds and turn to the cause. There, standing by the edge of the deck, behind a woman being helped into a boat, were three women. Gemma, Anne and Phillipa.
“Gem...” Harry breathed, blinking, before turning direction and moving towards them, pushing past crying children and lovers caught in an embrace.
“You're okay. I knew you'd be okay, and you're here, and you found him! God, I was so worried, but you're here. We're going to be okay, we're going to be safe, thank the Lord, I--”
“Gemma I can't leave this ship with you.” Harry interrupted, the words being blurted out before he even knew how to justify himself.
“Harry....” It was Anne speaking, now. Eyes wet with tears and her brow creased in confusion. “Honey, please.”
“I can't.” Harry's voice broke, hand holding Louis' that much tighter. “We have to find our friends. These other guys I know, we can't just leave them, and I can't leave Louis. I'm so sorry, you've... you've been there for me my entire life, but I can't-- you can't be here for me now, okay? You need to go. You need to be safe and, and if we make it off then I'll find you again, yeah? I'll find you, I promise.”
Anne blinked, then blinked again, tears staining her cheeks as she nodded before moving in to wrap her arms around her son, tight. “You're such a brave boy, Harry. So loyal. I love you so much, and you will always be my baby, no matter what.”
Harry nodded, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth and biting down. He would not cry. “I love you too, mum. Always.”
Gemma cast her gaze sideways, catching sight of Lottie curled under Louis' arm. “What about her?” she asked softly. “We can take her with us, get her off now before more boats go and there's less of a chance. She looks positively frozen, the poor dove.”
Louis looked at her, eyes wide with gratitude. “You'd do that?”
Gemma nodded. “Not enough people are going to make it off of here alive, Louis. And she's so young, and I'm not saying that she wont be fine with you, because you boys will be fine, but...”
“Thank you.” Louis breathed out, feeling lighter now than he had before. Lottie was getting out of here.
“Lou, I don't want to leave you.” Lottie murmured, hands fisting even tighter into his shirt. Louis ducked down, crouching so he was at eye-level with her.
“Baby, it's alright. I'll find you afterwards, but I can't find the others and worry about keeping you safe, okay? It's going to be fine, but it'll be so much easier to find Zayn and Niall if I know you're not here. The Styles' are good people, they'll look after you.” he glanced up at that, catching Gemma's eye as if to make sure what he was saying was true. Gemma nodded. “They'll look after you, so be a good girl, okay?” he said, voice rising as he felt his throat close up. They had never been separated like this before.
“Step forwards, madam!”
Louis looked up, seeing a steward help Phillipa into the boat. It was nearly time. “You need to go, Lottie, please. Please go, and be safe. And I'll find you, I promise I'll find you. I love you so much, okay? I love you so go, please, please go.”
Lottie hugged him, then. Close and fierce, and Louis felt wetness on his neck from where she had buried her face. “I'll see you later, Lou.” she cried, kissing his cheek. “I will see you later.”
She was pulled from him, then, being lifted into the boat as Gemma hugged Harry. They were the last, and as a whistle was blown as a signal to lower the ropes, Lottie caught his eye and mouthed “I love you”. She was out of sight before he could reply.
“It's for the best, Lou.” Harry comforted, an arm wrapping around his shoulders to pull him into a hug. “She's going to be fine.”
Louis nodded. “I know. I... I know.” But that didn't stop his eyes from stinging, from his hands shaking and from a small sob to claw its way out of his throat. “I know.”
They stood there, a little to the side, Harry soothing him as Louis cried into his collar and Harry blinked away his own tears. They had done what they had to, said goodbye to their families, and it was for the best. They had each other, but they knew they couldn't remain like this for much longer.
And as if to prove their fears right, a voice sounded behind them.
“It appears I hadn't been previously clear enough, Harold.”
Harry stiffened.