(no subject)
Its been a long while, 13 days to be exact, since I last updated my journal. A lot has happened. Nothing really significant, but a lot nonetheless. I don't even know where to begin. So I guess first on my mind, Eric is a boy from california that I am friends with. . .well more than friends I thot. I used to talk to him for hours on end almost every night of the week. Then he got a girlfriend and we didn't talk as much but he'd still call from time to time and it was like he kinda still cared, if at least about our friendship. But then over break we made out and fooled around a little while him having a girlfriend and he said things that made me think he likes me. . more than friends. Kinda confusing but then we ended on a good note when I went back home to AZ so it was all good. We still talked on the phone some and yeah everything was fine. But then I learn his g/f dumped him, and oddly enough I never hear from him after that. has stopped talking to me. . and I don't understand it. He makes me crazy. And then second on my mind is
Jacob who is the boy I met off of TheFaceBook.com and I have been "dating" for two weeks if not more now. I like him, but I dont know. He says things like "oh damn, that girl is hot" or "Oh I can get her number anytime" all in front of me. So although I like him and spending time with him, I don't think he is healthy for me to be around, with me being the way I am and all. But last night I ended up at this one dudes house at a party sort of situation with Jacob there. And Jacob was of course off doing his thing, beimg a host and flirting with every girl in sight. So I start talking to this other guy who is a DD like me (oh I'm such a good girl)and his friend (who was totally drunk but TOTALLY hot . .hahaha). And of course the instant that Jacob sees me talking and laughing with this guy. .he comes over and asks to talk to the guy. I later find out that this drunk guy, Evan, told Jacob that hes totally into me and that Im the hottest girl here (must be beer goggles) and that hes totally trying to pick up on me. And Jacob basically (in short terms)responds "shes with me." First off. .we arent together and second, why is it that he can stake claim on me but I can't do the same to him? But anyway, I didn't know what they were talking about at the time (well I had an idea) so I go back to talking with this guy after Jacob leaves and I talk to him basically the whole night. UNTIL Jacob comes over and is all touchy feely (he had been doing this periodically throught the night) and like gets pissed off at me because I wasn't all touchy feely back. I didn't want to reward his jealous behavior. But nonetheless, that led to a whole big discussion on trusting him. . . in the middle of the party. So uneccessary and not the place to have that discussion, but still. We talked and things are fine. . I don't know. . I guess I will just see how things are tonight. .see if anything has changed at least in the slightest when we go out to dinner tonight. But OH he was so cute on the phone last night. .he didnt want to hang up. .and he calls me babe. . my favorite. But yeah Oh and that party, yeah it led to my
poor roomate drinking and gettign sick. Sometimes tho, I wonder if she ever eats. I mean, I dont think she had that much to drink and it affected her so heavily. And when she was throwing up it was just liquid. I dont know. . .shes lost a lot of weight lately and although she still looks healthy Im kinda worried. I don't want her to have this fucked up mind game I play. . .its not fun. I don't know tho. . so much on my mind. I want to stop these games.
Do any of you guys wish this would just stop? This stupid mind game of hating food just as much as you hate yourself? I do. .I wish I could end the endless cycle of eating then feeling guilty so then not eating comes and then you get so damn hungry you eat again, and feel guilty again. . and it just never ends. I wish I could be like kelly, be able to eat what i want and not care what my weight is, not care that I have some love handles, be able to embrace my curves. I want so much, but I know I will never get it. Its unfair, but there is no one to blame but me. Thaks for listening to me ramble. .and if you couldn't tell I was experimenting with the cuts. .just having fun. . and Oh by the way. . .my poor fish died. . RIP Bogart Yoplait Cruise. . I love ya man!
Jacob who is the boy I met off of TheFaceBook.com and I have been "dating" for two weeks if not more now. I like him, but I dont know. He says things like "oh damn, that girl is hot" or "Oh I can get her number anytime" all in front of me. So although I like him and spending time with him, I don't think he is healthy for me to be around, with me being the way I am and all. But last night I ended up at this one dudes house at a party sort of situation with Jacob there. And Jacob was of course off doing his thing, beimg a host and flirting with every girl in sight. So I start talking to this other guy who is a DD like me (oh I'm such a good girl)and his friend (who was totally drunk but TOTALLY hot . .hahaha). And of course the instant that Jacob sees me talking and laughing with this guy. .he comes over and asks to talk to the guy. I later find out that this drunk guy, Evan, told Jacob that hes totally into me and that Im the hottest girl here (must be beer goggles) and that hes totally trying to pick up on me. And Jacob basically (in short terms)responds "shes with me." First off. .we arent together and second, why is it that he can stake claim on me but I can't do the same to him? But anyway, I didn't know what they were talking about at the time (well I had an idea) so I go back to talking with this guy after Jacob leaves and I talk to him basically the whole night. UNTIL Jacob comes over and is all touchy feely (he had been doing this periodically throught the night) and like gets pissed off at me because I wasn't all touchy feely back. I didn't want to reward his jealous behavior. But nonetheless, that led to a whole big discussion on trusting him. . . in the middle of the party. So uneccessary and not the place to have that discussion, but still. We talked and things are fine. . I don't know. . I guess I will just see how things are tonight. .see if anything has changed at least in the slightest when we go out to dinner tonight. But OH he was so cute on the phone last night. .he didnt want to hang up. .and he calls me babe. . my favorite. But yeah Oh and that party, yeah it led to my
poor roomate drinking and gettign sick. Sometimes tho, I wonder if she ever eats. I mean, I dont think she had that much to drink and it affected her so heavily. And when she was throwing up it was just liquid. I dont know. . .shes lost a lot of weight lately and although she still looks healthy Im kinda worried. I don't want her to have this fucked up mind game I play. . .its not fun. I don't know tho. . so much on my mind. I want to stop these games.
Do any of you guys wish this would just stop? This stupid mind game of hating food just as much as you hate yourself? I do. .I wish I could end the endless cycle of eating then feeling guilty so then not eating comes and then you get so damn hungry you eat again, and feel guilty again. . and it just never ends. I wish I could be like kelly, be able to eat what i want and not care what my weight is, not care that I have some love handles, be able to embrace my curves. I want so much, but I know I will never get it. Its unfair, but there is no one to blame but me. Thaks for listening to me ramble. .and if you couldn't tell I was experimenting with the cuts. .just having fun. . and Oh by the way. . .my poor fish died. . RIP Bogart Yoplait Cruise. . I love ya man!