More ranting :/
So on Monday I went to the mall with two of my best friends (not the one mentioned in the previous entry) that I'd not seen for months because we all go to different universities. We were having a good day and it was fun, and then we came back to my house to watch a movie (well, one did; the other went home because she wasn't feeling good). It was, of course, the most opportune time to get into a HUUUUUGE fight with my mother, over stupid crap. In case you couldn't tell, that was sarcasm.
So of course, I never hear the end of it when my father calls later.
What pisses me off is that, I've always been the good child. Out of all my siblings (I'm the fourth of five children), my three older siblings were either delinquents or just didn't give a damn about their studies, and my younger brother is a good kid but he's got ADHD. I've always been the one to avoid trouble, and did well in school. The "goody two-shoes" if you will. So when I lose control of my emotions, when I fly off the handle for once, I get torn a new one. My siblings can screw up and it's just being human, but when I screw up it's a crime.
I've done nothing but try to please my family, tried to be the model child. Especially when my older siblings moved out and my dad was always on deployment with the military, I tried to step up as the oldest child left in the house. It really hurts to have that thrown back in my face, especially by my father, who's never fucking here when shit hits the fan. I try to be optimistic but it's hard, and my dad tells me not to let things get to me. As if he can talk, he's never here to help. He even threatened to kick me out. I remember being as young as 13 and 14 years old dealing with shit that most adults can't handle when I should have been enjoying my first years in high school, and where was he? Off doing military stuff, away from home. And, granted, he moved around from station to station without us so that we wouldn't have to move, but we didn't get a say in that decision and so it isn't fair for him to hold that against me.
And I know, my parents have done a lot for me, so I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat. I just HATE being sheltered so much, and then having no place to escape when I don't see eye to eye with my parents. To them, it's either I do what they say, or I can do what I want without any help from them. I would support myself, if I could get more than a part-time job that pays barely above freaking minimum wage. But I can't work full time and go to school full time. So I have to do what they say if I want to stay in school. And I feel trapped.
So I've decided, I'm not going to live by the books entirely anymore. I've been so uptight and just plain square up until this point in my life. And if following the books means that I have to be perfect to meet the extremely high expectations set for me (and not BY me, either), then it's not worth it. Why should I have to put up with being beaten down for the slightest mistake, or for voicing my opinion for once? I'm done being the goody two-shoes. Forget it. And besides, you only live once. Why not be a little irresponsible from time to time, and have fun? Live up my youth while I still have it. I was forced to grow up so young that I never got that chance. And I'm not saying I'm going to run off and join the circus or anything, but you know, I'd like the chance to just be myself. Have an adventure or two before I finish school and join the workforce, you know? And if my parents have a problem with it, I'll figure out something to take care of myself somehow. I love my parents dearly, and up until this point, I've had a pretty good relationship with both of them. But I'm beginning to resent them a little bit because they aren't realizing, I'm not a child anymore and I can think for myself.
Sorry for ranting, but this has been bothering me for days.