Geeze, why do they havta change the update layout? It confuzzles me.
I don't know exactly what "melancholy" means, but I heard it used a whole bunch in a book once, and it was describing this one chick who was lonely and depressed. Seems fitting.
I don't remember ever feeling as alone as I do right now. It seems as though I can't seem to feel like I'm a part of something. Even when I'm in the midst of a group of people, I feel like I'm completely and utterly alone. Isn't that strange? I don't know how I can physically be around people and mentally feel all by myself.
Last night/today some drama broke out and people said something that hurt me really badly. It was a real slap in the face, considering it was a few of my closest friends who said it. For once, I had no one to call. This got me thinking about something that someone I used to know had told me: they said you have to learn to rely on yourself. I never understood it until last night. I never quite comprehended why it wasn't good to depend on my friends for support. Now I know. It's because there's no way in heck they'll always be reliable. No matter if they're a regular friend or a best friend, there will always come a time when they're simply not there for you. I wish I had listened to my friend when he told me that before. Maybe I'd be a little more self-relient.
I really don't like it when people point out my mistakes. I wanna scream at them, "DUH I KNOW IT WAS STUPID - I WAS THERE!" Nobody's perfect, and I am certaintly far from it. But that doesn't mean I need my past mistakes thrown in my face every so often. That just isn't fair. And I hate it. And every time I think about the things that I've done and the mistakes I've made and the people I've hurt along the way, I want to cry, because - believe it or not! - I have a conscience. Thus I recognize my own bad choices. Don't assume you ever have a right to judge someone else. I don't care who you are or who you're judging. It isn't right. 1 Corinthians 4:4 says, "My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent; it is the Lord who judges me." Well, sometimes others don't let your conscience be clear, and that's completely unfair.
Which brings me to my next point - where has my faith gone? I go to church on Sundays and Tuesdays, and I still love it... but I feel so far lost from everything I used to feel. I feel abandoned, and alone. I know God is there. I know that even if people don't love me, He does. But I can't seem to feel his presence. I feel like I'm alone all the time, except when I'm praying. I don't know why either, because I know He's with me throughout my day. It just doesn't feel like it at all. I want to stop feeling like this. It isn't true. I'm not alone. And I never will be.
This morning Sarah came up to me, gave me a hug, and told me she loved me. She had no idea what was going on or that I was even upset, she just did that for the heck of it. Sarah, thank you. I love our friendship and the fact that your timing was so perfect. I love you so very much.
I love my photography class. Well, actually, I dislike the class, but I love the people in it. I feel needed and cared about during that period. I feel like I'm a part of a team and we go through everything together. It's one of those things where if one of us hurts, we all hurt. I love that. I keep busy and I feel like a part of something. What a great class to forget about crap.
Those are my two praises for today.
"I love you with all I have left, be it insufficient or more than enough, it is all I have to give to you."
I don't remember ever feeling as alone as I do right now. It seems as though I can't seem to feel like I'm a part of something. Even when I'm in the midst of a group of people, I feel like I'm completely and utterly alone. Isn't that strange? I don't know how I can physically be around people and mentally feel all by myself.
Last night/today some drama broke out and people said something that hurt me really badly. It was a real slap in the face, considering it was a few of my closest friends who said it. For once, I had no one to call. This got me thinking about something that someone I used to know had told me: they said you have to learn to rely on yourself. I never understood it until last night. I never quite comprehended why it wasn't good to depend on my friends for support. Now I know. It's because there's no way in heck they'll always be reliable. No matter if they're a regular friend or a best friend, there will always come a time when they're simply not there for you. I wish I had listened to my friend when he told me that before. Maybe I'd be a little more self-relient.
I really don't like it when people point out my mistakes. I wanna scream at them, "DUH I KNOW IT WAS STUPID - I WAS THERE!" Nobody's perfect, and I am certaintly far from it. But that doesn't mean I need my past mistakes thrown in my face every so often. That just isn't fair. And I hate it. And every time I think about the things that I've done and the mistakes I've made and the people I've hurt along the way, I want to cry, because - believe it or not! - I have a conscience. Thus I recognize my own bad choices. Don't assume you ever have a right to judge someone else. I don't care who you are or who you're judging. It isn't right. 1 Corinthians 4:4 says, "My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent; it is the Lord who judges me." Well, sometimes others don't let your conscience be clear, and that's completely unfair.
Which brings me to my next point - where has my faith gone? I go to church on Sundays and Tuesdays, and I still love it... but I feel so far lost from everything I used to feel. I feel abandoned, and alone. I know God is there. I know that even if people don't love me, He does. But I can't seem to feel his presence. I feel like I'm alone all the time, except when I'm praying. I don't know why either, because I know He's with me throughout my day. It just doesn't feel like it at all. I want to stop feeling like this. It isn't true. I'm not alone. And I never will be.
This morning Sarah came up to me, gave me a hug, and told me she loved me. She had no idea what was going on or that I was even upset, she just did that for the heck of it. Sarah, thank you. I love our friendship and the fact that your timing was so perfect. I love you so very much.
I love my photography class. Well, actually, I dislike the class, but I love the people in it. I feel needed and cared about during that period. I feel like I'm a part of a team and we go through everything together. It's one of those things where if one of us hurts, we all hurt. I love that. I keep busy and I feel like a part of something. What a great class to forget about crap.
Those are my two praises for today.
"I love you with all I have left, be it insufficient or more than enough, it is all I have to give to you."