Dream ЖЖ 006

[seeing_only_red]

{ooc: Dream includes an AMV not made by myself. Should the link ever die, I have the video saved and will reupload it. And skip the opening. Fast forward to 0:25.}

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[ Private ]

[callmelegion]

[ It's . . .

He's hit with the vague realization that . . .

This could be him, couldn't it? The pain that never goes away -- even after --

Even after everything. Even after there is no cause. Even after he arrived on this world, where there was no longer a war. And it's almost too much to handle: the vertigo. Being yanked back by the collar this way.

Yanked out of the water, when he's been cold and blissfully submerged.

Nagato is chilled by the feeling.

He could --

I could go through with everything.

And he will.

But the cause . . . ]

Itachi.

How do you find peace?

I just can't understand.

You keep going, when you have no peace of mind.

You survive, somehow.

You must tell me how.

[ It's not a cry for help.

It's not anything you think. ]

[ Private ]

[seeing_only_red]

[Itachi is surprised by the sincerity can hear in the Leader's voice. He wonders why he has chosen once more to open himself up to Itachi, when they know so little about one another--unless one considers all they have learned since they arrived him in this strange world of antiquity. And this is the one who seems most like him, and yet so different. The paths they have chosen could not be more opposite, but it all comes from the same cause.

Itachi feels it would only be right of him to return that simple openness with some of his own. Especially know no one else will see it.]

I survive because I know that what I did was what needed to be done, and I would do it again. What's done is done and all one can do is move on and accept the consequences of their actions.

One can only hope he is strong enough to do what is for the best and live with himself afterward. Because living is the curse of those who swim in pools filled with blood.

Re: [ Private ]

[callmelegion]

So it is.

We live because it is what we must do. We survive as if in defiance of what dies inside of us. But then, I wonder, does the solution lie in the deaths of our souls? Must we murder our hearts, in order to carry on?

I suppose it is best -- if everything but steel and blades and bone are burnt away. And this is the philosophy I have lived by. That I am cursed to survive, and so to survive as best I can, I must be a blade. A tool.

And my heart must be likewise.

You understand me, Itachi. I know you do. I see it in your eyes.

In your face.

You can't cry, either, can you?

I see the ash in your eyes.

Mine are filled with it, too.

[ Private ]

[seeing_only_red]

[It is something Itachi has thought of often, with the revelations of the dreams that have shown him a side to Pain that he had not known. Yes, they are very much alike

[seeingeyeshark]

[Kisame feels like such a stranger to Itachi right now. It's disconcerting and unsettling and a little upsetting--even frightening, really. His best friend is a stranger, and he would trust Itachi with his life, would follow him anywhere, would do almost anything he asked.... and yet, he knows nothing about him. Nothing at all. But the problem is that now he knows that he knows nothing about him--before, back when and where they were supposed to be, he had been content with supposing that they were both entitled to their secrets, and that they could be familiar with and close to each other regardless. But now....]

[Now, he can't help but feel somehow lonely, and he's not even sure why--after all, it isn't like anything has changed. Maybe it just feels like some part of their partnership has been a lie, or maybe he's just been blind and foolish the whole time. It must be the latter, he's sure--Itachi wouldn't lie to him. Not after all they've gone through together. ....Right?]

[He can't help but feel disgusted with himself too,

[seeing_only_red]

[Itachi is staring at Kisame's concerned face on his Hitomi and can't help but feel...relieved to see him. If there has been a constant in his life since that night, it was the partner he had gained once joining Akatsuki--and the irony does not escape him. And the hesitation in his voice, as if he is afraid to tread where he is not wanted...Itachi wonders how he had never noticed his partner's attention to his needs as he does now--after seeing that dream where he realized that Kisame may have seen him in a light Itachi had never considered before.

Itachi isn't sure how to bridge the gap that has been building between them, because he wants it gone. They have not been this careful with their words around each other since the first few months of their partnership. And he doesn't even know who's fault this chasm is, so he can do nothing to lessen it

[seeingeyeshark]

[Kisame's hair is still ruffled (moreso than usual, even) from sleep, and he isn't wearing his headband; the spikes almost make him look like an animal, with ears laid back against the sides of his head, the way an unsettled cat or dog might--like a confused, unhappy puppy left on its own, equally ready to whine or start barking madly. It might not even be too far from the truth; Kisame never has been (allowed to be) fully human.]

[He tilts his head a little, weighing his own thoughts, then just gives up and speaks; he trusts Itachi enough to at least say some of what's on his mind, even if he's not sure of enough of it himself to parse the whole messy slew of emotions the dream dug up.] It's just.... ridiculous. Something like this.... I should know this. I should remember it. It's not like this is some little nothing. It's just not right to have just forgotten something so important like this, you know? I mean, was there, so....

[Maybe a little less conviction on the last part, but it needs to be said, because he needs to have

[seeing_only_red]

[Itachi can see how much this is truly disturbing his partner, how much Kisame is struggling with having his memories taken away. Itachi personally prefers that Kisame not remember his death, or whether or not he had seen Itachi's lifeless body, because really he much prefers Kisame not thinking of him dead--and only now, does he wonder if Kisame even handled his death well at all--although the circumstances of why he does not remember are not ones Itachi is comfortable with.]

It's all right, Kisame. Perhaps you are right. [Although Itachi does not believe in gods and therefore does not believe they would intervene in such a way.]

We will find out how your memories were taken and return them to you. It is best now to not force it, as we do not know what blocks or traps have been put in place should we attempt to undo what has been done prematurely.

[Itachi is trying to be reassuring, but hopes he is not making his partner feel more uneasy.]

And I am not dead now. So perhaps the manner of which I died is not all that relevant to

Private to Itachi

[ura_no_ura]

[ For a moment he forgets how to breathe.

He was holding his breath and hadn't realized that he'd stopped taking in air when Itachi stopped and all Kakashi can feel is the leaden resignation heavy in his chest and throat. Crushing down against his lungs.

He's not sure how Itachi's managed to keep on breathing so long, crushed like this. Holding himself down with it. Holding himself in until there was nothing left of him to hold in. Because it'd been smashed to pieces long, long ago, into dust so fine it slips right between the fingers and crumbles apart in hands even when he tries so carefully to rearrange the pieces back into the shape of a man.

(He remembers a boy with loyalty hewed into his spine. Loyalty too deep, too dangerous.)

This.

This is the product of--

(A boy standing in the rain with desperation in his eyes and need on his breath and a door slamming shut in his face.)Too much wrong. Too many mistakes. Too many secrets. A system Kakashi is sometimes unsure of how to believe in. When times like this makes him

Private to Kakashi

[seeing_only_red]

[There is a tone in Kakashi's voice that concerns Itachi. He wonders what about the dream could have affected the other man so. Could it be the sensations of death as his life dissolved into nothingness before he could even realize it was over? Or is it the darkness, the fear that Itachi holds so deep that he at times does not even realize that it is there--that fear of being forgotten, being nothing, of having cost himself so much that once he is gone there is nothing left. Of ceasing to exist to those he only wishes would remember him.]

Kakashi. It's all right. This is something I came to terms with years ago.

Reaction

[a_for_tiori]

[Sasuke remembers as well, but it was different for him. Because Itachi had died. And Sasuke had not.

He had thought before, after the massacre, that he'd had nothing.

But standing in the rain, with Itachi motionless before him, he thought to himself, Ah. This is what it's like, after all.

To exist without anything at all. There won't be a next time. Because there was no future for Sasuke. There was water on his face and something hotter and thicker as well, and Sasuke could not think of a single reason to continue to stay alive. His position, standing against the wall, was held by his muscles and his muscles were controlled by his mind and his mind was an extension of his will except he had no will anymore, and so he fell. Like dominoes. He has nothing, therefore he does nothing, therefore he is nothing

[eternalscorpion]

[That desperate grasping at suffering that Itachi's life seems to revolve around is something that Sasori has difficulty comprehending. Why would anyone want to experience constant pain, rather than succumb to that soothing numbness?

Still, perhaps there is something that he sees in Itachi's dream that Sasori can understand very well, more than he would care to admit. Missed opportunities, insurmountable barriers erected by time and circumstance and yes, choice.

Although, for Itachi, those barriers are not completely insurmountable.

Not like his.

There's no hint of rebuke in his voice when he speaks, quietly.]

Why is it, I wonder, that people so often desire to suffer?

In the end, isn't it better to cast off such things and devote oneself to the pursuit of something truly worthwhile? Pain only clouds the mind, only causes the loss of focus on the things that truly matter in the greater scheme of things; it's something that should be discarded, not embraced.

Living ones' life in pursuit of suffering seems like such a waste.

[seeing_only_red]

[Itachi wonders why Sasori has chosen to speak to him. They do not speak very often, although more out of mere coincidence than anything--and also the fact that Sasori's partners were those Itachi would rather not deal with on any basis--so for him to speak was both confusing and curious. But his words are strong and Itachi wonders how much Sasori has endured for him to believe that feeling nothing is better than feeling anything at all. It seems Akatsuki draws many different individuals to it for their own reasons

[eternalscorpion]

[Even if his partners' relationships with Itachi have been difficult, Sasori has always held respect for Itachi's skills and discipline as a shinobi. They may have had their disagreements now and again, but there is no particular enmity between them.

Sasori smiles slightly.]

Yes, I suppose you do bring up a good point.

It is true, that there is a great risk of suffering when it comes to pursuing a worthwhile goal. It is indeed possible to avoid much of it, although it requires sacrifices not many are willing to make.

But then, any goal that isn't worth sacrificing to reach isn't worth pursuing. And if one isn't willing to make sacrifices, they don't deserve to succeed, either.

This body feels no pain. And I have chosen to sever emotional attachments to those who would prove a hindrance to my goals.

[He turns thoughtful once more.]

Although, I suspect that severing my bonds was an easier task for me than it was for you. I had fewer than you probably did.