Nothing Would Ever Be The Same
Title: Nothing Would Ever Be The Same
Author: seekin4therapy
Pairing: unrequieted Joon/Mir, mentions of Joon/G.O, Seungho/Mir, Seungho/G.O
Genre: Angst
Summary: Joon knew he loved Mir. He'd known since he first laid eyes on him. What he didn't know was how hopless that love really was.
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From the moment he had laid eyes on the boy, Joon knew he was irrevocably and hopelessly in love. His name was Bang Chulyong, though he more commonly went by his stage name, Mir. It seemed so unlikely: a city boy like Joon falling in love with a country bumpkin like Mir. And yet it had happened. All it had taken was a smile, a slight tilt of the head, and Joon was lost. He loved everything about the younger boy: he loved his dorky laugh, the way his eyes lit up when he smiled, the way he’d bring the mood of the group up with a single joke, the way he wasn’t afraid to speak his mind, the way he would stand up for what he believed in… to put it simply, Joon loved everything about Mir.
Of course, he never planned to tell him that. Joon knew very well he wasn’t good enough for Mir: past experience and many failed relationships had taught him that. There was no way such an amazing person could ever love someone like Joon; not when there were so many people who were better than him, so many people who could love Mir like he deserved to be loved.
And so he contented himself with loving the younger boy in secret. They grew closer over time during their trainee years, becoming confidants and then best friends, and all the while Mir remained unaware of the sad, longing look that would sometimes appear on Joon’s face when he walked into a room, chatting excitedly about some inane topic with a big grin on his face.
Then one day Seungho confessed to Mir, and Joon’s heart shattered as the maknae smiled brightly and answered back with an “I like you too, Seungho hyung.” He knew he had no right to feel the way he did; Seungho was perfect for Mir, able to handle his childishness and loud antics with limitless patience and unfailing kindness. Seungho was everything Joon wasn’t: quiet but firm, strong but caring, not muscled like Joon but fit and handsome nonetheless… everything Mir needed, perfect in ways Joon knew he would never be. So he swallowed around the lump in his throat and plastered a smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes, congratulating his best friend (friend, always friend, never lover, never…) that night on his new relationship with the group leader as he bounced into the room, all ecstatic grins and sparkling eyes.
“Yah, hyung, this is so amazing! Who’d have thought that Seungho hyung would ever like me, huh? I can’t believe this is real!”
Joon smiled sadly at the younger boy, reaching out to tousle his hair playfully.
“Seungho hyung is really lucky to have you, Mirmir.”
“Aish hyung, you’re just saying that because you’re my best friend!” Mir stuck his tongue out at the older man before a grin broke out across his face. “But thank you Joonie.”
Skipping out the door happily, he misses the sad, quiet chuckle that Joon couldn’t quite hold in. “Friend… right…” Glancing at the empty doorframe, he sighed and slumped down onto the bed, burying his face in his hands.
“Be happy, maknae…” he whispered, heart throbbing painfully in his chest and tears burning at the corners of his eyes. “Please be happy…”
Things changed again a few months later when Byunghee confessed to him. He had been harboring a small crush on the older man for a couple of weeks now, and although he couldn’t comprehend what had made the man confess tohim of all people, he happily agreed to go out with the lead singer. Maybe this would help him deal with the pain he felt in his heart every time he saw Mir and Seungho together. Don’t get him wrong, he was extremely happy for them. Seungho made Mir happy, and that was all that mattered to Joon: Mir’s happiness.
As happy (and confused) as he was about Byunghee’s confession, he felt compelled to tell the other man about his feelings for Mir- it wouldn’t be fair to the singer to keep something like that from him. He knew he could grow to love Byunghee- he was already halfway there anyways. But he also knew that part of his heart would always belong to the youngest member of the group, and the older man deserved to know before deciding if he still wanted Joon or not.
“So… let me get this straight. You like me, and you want to be with me… but you’re also in love with Mir. Is that about right?”
Joon nodded silently, unable to look at the older man for fear of seeing disgust or rejection in his face. Byunghee sighed and ran a hand through his hair. This was not what he had been expecting when Joon had asked to talk to him after dinner. He wasn’t all that surprised at Joon’s confession though, if he was being honest with himself. It was part of the reason he loved the younger man; his heart was so open and loving, it didn’t seem at all impossible for Joon to love two people at once.
“Why didn’t you ever tell him?”
Joon glanced over quickly before returning his gaze once more to the ground, shrugging uneasily at the question.
“I… I didn’t think he liked guys…” He wasn’t going to tell Byunghee that it was because he didn’t deserve Mir- he might take that the wrong way, and Joon was already close to losing someone else he liked without taking the risk. Byunghee tilted his head in question, arms folded over his chest. “Then why didn’t you tell him when he admitted to liking Seungho?”
He gaped at the older man incredulously. “Wh-why would I do that? You’ve, you’ve seen them together! They’re so happy… I would never want to do anything that would take that happiness away from them!”
Byunghee shrugged and let it go, having come to a decision a few minutes ago.
“Alright, you love Mir. But he’s with Seungho, and you don’t want to come between them. I still like you, and I still want to be with you, and I’m confident I can make you fall in love with me, so I’m willing to give this a go if you are.”
Joon’s face lit up in delight and he nodded rapidly, grabbing a large hand and kissing the knuckles reverently. “Thank you hyung. I-I am willing. I think… I think I could fall in love with you too.”
~4 months later~
It had been a few months since he and Byunghee had gotten together, and Joon was for all intents a purposes happy- at least, for the most part. His prediction had come true: he’d fallen in love with Byunghee, as he knew he would. Byunghee was an amazing boyfriend: he was kind, caring, sweet, loving- everything Joon knew he didn’t deserve. He thanked his lucky stars everyday for being allowed to have such a wonderful person in his life, someone who actually seemed to want to be around him and love him. But despite how happy he was with Byunghee, there were still moments- when Mir brushed up against him, or he caught a glimpse of the younger man holding hands with Seungho- that broke the other half of his heart a little bit more.
And each time that happened he felt disgusted with himself. How dare he feel this way, when Mir was so happy with Seungho. How dare he feel this way when he had someone like Byunghee who loved him despite his many faults. And then there were the moments when he wondered when he would wake up from this dream and have his world come crashing down around him. He wasn’t meant to be this happy; something had to give.
And give it did, suddenly and expectedly, without any warning whatsoever.
Mir had been looking down for a few days, and because Joon knew his best friend, watched him to make sure he was happy, he saw the way that Seungho would ignore the maknae every time he tried to start a conversation, or would shake his hand away if the younger boy went to hold it. He didn’t know what had happened, if it was something Mir had done or not, but he did know that he could not sit back and watch while the other half of his heart was miserable. He confronted Seungho one afternoon, cornering him in the dance rehearsal room after the others had already gone back to the dorm under the guise of having the leader help him with some choreography. Once he was sure that they were fully alone, he rounded on the leader angrily.
“Look, hyung, what happened between you and Mireu?”
Blinking in surprise at the sudden question, shadowed eyes narrowed quickly in warning.
“Nothing that concerns you, Changsun.”
“It does concern me hyung. I’m your friend, but I’m Chulyong’s friend too, and I’ve seen how miserable he’s been lately and how you’ve been acting towards him. What happened?
“It’s nothing Changsun. Drop it.”
“I will not!” Fueled by anger at the stubborn leader and worry over the youngest, he strode up to the older man and poked a finger into his chest.
“I don’t know what happened between you, but you need to stop ignoring him! He’s miserable, can’t you see that? He doesn’t deserve to be treated this way! There is nothing that he could have possibly done that would be bad enough to warrant this behavior. He deserves to be loved, hyung, not ignored. He deserves to be treated better!”
Seungho’s eyes narrowed in a sharp glare, and he batted Joon’s hand away viciously.
“What do you know? Besides, it’s none of your business, Changsun. You act as if you’re the one who’s in- love…”
Seungho trailed off as Joon’s eyes widened and his cheeks flushed. Eyes narrowing further in suspicion, he took a step forwards, watching as Joon stumbled back a few steps, head bowed.
“Do… you love him?”
Joon’s gaze flickered up to the piercing eyes before returning to the floor, and he nodded once, jerkily. Seungho stalked forward, Joon backing up with him until his back was pressed against the wall. The older man leaned in, whispering darkly into Joon’s ear.
“Stay away from him. He’s mine, and he will always be mine. He will never love you.”
Joon shivered at the threatening tone, nodding again.
“I-I know that….I know. I’m not going to steal him from you, hyung. He loves you, not me, and I wouldn’t ever try to take him when he’s already with someone.” He mumbled, keeping eyes lowered submissively.
“Good. Now get out of my sight.”
Joon scurried away, feeling as if ice had encased his heart. Seungho knew. He knew about Joon’s love for Mir. Nonononono…this wasn’t supposed to have happened. He’d only wanted Seungho to apologize to Mir, to make Mir smile that sun bright smile once more, for Mir to be happy again…
What if Seungho told Mir?
Joon stopped dead in his tracks, a trembling hand pressed flat against the wall.
What if Seungho told Mir?
He felt his breath catch as pure terror filled him. That couldn’t happen. He couldn’t let that happen. If Mir ever found out…everything would be over. He’d laugh at him, pity him, or worst of all…hate him. He wouldn’t even get to be Mir’s friend after that. He’d never get to see the glowing smile, the face full of laughter, he’d never have the warm hugs or playful fights or midnight cuddles again…
He bit his lip to stifle a low sob, fighting against the welling tears in his eyes. It hadn’t happened yet, there was no point in getting worked up about it now if it hadn’t happened yet. He’d just have to keep his mouth shut and stay away from Mir for a while until Seungho forgot or decided that he wasn’t a threat (like he could ever be a threat in the first place, especially not against Seungho). He nodded to himself, starting the trek back to his room before another thought hit him suddenly. If Seungho didn’t apologize to Mir, then Mir would be lonely, and he’d need his best friend…and when Mir needed him, he couldn’t say no. He never had been able to. Joon bit his lip again, torn. What was more important? Keeping Mir from finding out his secret or being there for Mir when he needed him?
…..the answer was obvious to Joon. He sighed, slowly making his way to his door and opening it, not bothering to turn on the lights and shuffling over to his bed, flopping down on top of it heavily. All he could do know was wait and see what would happen. He closed his eyes and drifted off into an uneasy sleep full of cruel laughter and scornful eyes and hearts blood tears falling down shamed cheeks.
The next day Seungho made up with Mir, and Joon heaved a silent sigh of relief as Mir’s face once again shone and a spring was added to his step. If Mir had needed him, he would have gone to him in a heartbeat, no matter the consequences, but it was a load off of Joon’s shoulders to know that it wouldn’t come to that just yet. And for a while things seemed to get better.
But of course, good things could never last.
About a month after Seungho and Joon’s confrontation, they were scheduled to perform at a concert. It had seemed like a normal day, all of them up early to spend a few hours getting their hair and makeup done and their stage clothes looking impeccable. It had seemed like a normal day, until Joon saw Seungho slip into an empty dressing room. He cocked his head curiously before and thought struck him that made him blush. Seungho had looked awful sneaky… he hid around the corner, expecting Mir to show up at any minute to sneak into the room with Seungho for some…stress relief before going on to perform. He was surprised however when instead of Mir, Byunghee came around the corner and looked around surreptitiously before slipping into the room after Seungho. Joon’s brows furrowed in confusion. Maybe Byunghee didn’t know Seungho was in there? He slowly crept closer to the door, glancing around before placing his ear against the wood, holding his breath so he could hear the conversation going on inside.
“Hyung. I’ve got…a lot of stress to get out of my system.”
Joon muffled a gasp with a hand, eyes growing wide with shock. No…it couldn’t be. He must be understanding it wrong. Byunghee wouldn’t…Seungho wouldn’t do that to Mir, he couldn’t…
But apparently he could, as slowly there came the sounds of skin slapping together from the other side of the door, labored breathing and muffled curses muffled by solid wood. The hand pressed against his mouth shook, and he started badly when the sound of footsteps sounded from down the hall, moving closer to where Joon was pressed up against a dressing room door. He quickly scrambled to hide around the opposite corner, peeking around the wall to see who it was that was coming and feeling his heart stop when Mir came striding around the corner across from Joon, looking left and right before moving towards the door.
Oh no…please, no…
Never had Joon prayed harder than at that moment. He promised anything, everything, as long as Mir didn’t find out what was happening behind that door. He never even realized he was holding his breath once again, eyes riveted as a hand reached out to knock on the door.
“Yah, Seungho hyung? Byunghee hyung?” Mir’s voice was chipper, his face innocent and unassuming and (no no please no please don’t let him find out, not like this…)
Byunghee’s rough voice sounded a moment later, followed shortly after by Seungho’s, words indecipherable to Joon who was too far away to make them out.
“We’re almost on, what’s taking you so long? Byunghee is looking for you, are you alright?” Mir asked, face creased in sudden concern.
Seungho’s voice came again, a bit louder, and Mir frowned but shrugged and turned to walk back the way he came from. A few minutes later and the two older men exited the room, straightening out clothes, Seungho’s hair completely disheveled but looking like it had been purposefully styled that way. Later Mir would ask him how he got his hair to do that, because ‘I wanna get mine to do that too!’, and Seungho would smile and let lies spill easily from his lips, and Joon would look on and his heart would throb with pain, pain for the lie, pain for the betrayal, pain for the knowledge that he would have to tell Mir and Mir would break and it would be his fault.
But for know he watched them disappear after Mir, watched them from the floor and when had his legs given out? He curled up against the wall and buried his face in his knees and let the anguish wash over him, let it consume him now because there wouldn’t be time for it later and he had to be strong, had to be strong for Mir because this would destroy him and Joon had to be the one to put him back together.
-Later at the dorm-
Joon’s footsteps were heavy. He knew he had to confront Byunghee about this at some point; he just didn’t know when. How long had this been going on? Wasn’t Mir enough for Seungho? How could Seungho do something like this to Mir? How could Byunghee go along with it? He had no illusions as to why Byunghee had cheated on him-Seungho was a better choice in every way. He’d hoped he could be enough to please Byunghee, but somewhere inside him he had always known that he would never be enough for Byunghee, that Byunghee would never be satisfied with only half of his heart. But Seungho…how could he have done this to Mir?
The thought repeated itself over and over in his head, and each time he drew a blank. Mir was perfect and amazing and everything anyone could want…so how could Seungho do this to him? Joon’s feet felt like lead now, the other knowledge he held weighing him down further. He had to tell Mir.
He knew what would happen, could almost see it with startling clarity in his mind’s eye. Mir would be devastated, probably break down into tears, ask millions of questions that Joon wouldn’t have an answer for, and every tear that fell, every sob that escaped Mir’s lips would tear a new hole in Joon’s heart. But he would be strong, he wouldn’t let his emotions show, and he would be there to comfort Mir, because lord knows he would need it.
Taking a deep, steadying breath as he arrived outside Mir’s door, he raised a hand, pausing before knocking softly. His heart jumped into his throat when a bright voice answered the knock a second later.
“Come in!”
He gripped the door handle tightly, knuckles white from the force, and took in another breath before twisting knob and pushing the door open slowly, peeking head inside.
“Mirmir…?” He asked hesitantly, looking around room and spotting Mir sitting on his bed with a stack of manga beside him. Mir looked up from the one he was reading and smiled upon seeing Joon in the doorway.
“Joon hyung! Come on in!”
Joon hesitantly stepped inside, mind racing, desperately searching for a way to broach the matter and tell Mir gently instead of just blurting it out like he knew he was want to do. “Mirmir? Can I, uh…can I talk to you?”
“Sure hyung. What is it?” The smile fades a bit, Mir sitting up and setting the manga aside, patting bed in an invitation for Joon to come and sit beside him. Joon makes his way over slowly, his reluctance clear on his face, causing Mir’s face to frown with worry. “Joon?”
“It’s…it’s about S-Seungho hyung…” He sits down gingerly on bed, wringing his hands together in his lap.
“What about Seungho, Joonie?”
“He…” A gulp, eyes flicking nervously up to Mir’s face before squeezing shut, words coming out in a rush. “HeandByungheearesleepingtogether!”
Silence. There was a tension in the room, a heaviness, and Joon carefully cracked open an eye to peek at Mir’s face. To his surprise, there wasn’t a look of crushed feelings on it, nor was there surprise or hurt. His expression was blank as he stared at Joon silently before opening his mouth to speak.
“What?”
“I, um…S-Seungho hyung and Byunghe are…a-are sleeping together.” Joon stutters out once more in a shaky voice, opening both eyes now. Mir frowns, corners of mouth lowering, shaking head. “No they’re not.”
“Mir…” Joon blinks, surprised at the denial. “They are. I heard them earlier, before we performed. That was why Seungho’s hair was all messy.”
Mir’s face darkens, shooting a glare at Joon who flinched away from the look not expecting it at all.
“They are not sleeping together. Seungho wouldn’t do that to me. Why are you lying?”
“I’m not lying!” He’s hurt, face creasing in confusion, not understanding. This wasn’t what he thought would happen at all. Why was Mir denying what he was saying?
“You are too! Seungho wouldn’t cheat on me, he loves me! Don’t lie!” Mir shouts suddenly, standing from bed. “This isn’t funny!”
“I’m not trying to be funny! Mir, I’m serious, I heard them, they’re sleeping together!” He stands as well, making an abortive motion to grab Mir’s arm. “I know it’s not what you want to hear, but you deserve to know the truth-” “Shut up!” The younger man’s voice grows louder, whirling around to fix Joon with a hateful look. “Stop saying that! Stop lying! Do you want to hurt me that badly, huh?”
“Mir, please! I’m not lying! I don’t want to hurt you, that’s the last thing I want, I love y-” He cuts off, eyes growing wide, slapping a hand over his mouth to keep from letting more of his hidden secrets spill. Mir’s eyes widen as well.
“You…love me? You…” His eyes narrow again, face turning red as rage grows. “So that’s it? You love me, so you’re trying to break me and Seungho up by telling these lies about him? How could you?! You’re the lowest, Lee Joon!”
“No, Mir, no, that’s not it!” Joon cries, shaking head and feeling his eyes sting at the poisonous words, ignoring it and reaching out a pleading hand to Mir. “I do, I love you, but I would never try to break you up, please, you have to believe me-” “Liar!” Mir slaps his hand away, breathing hard and trembling. “I can’t believe you would stoop to this. So what, were you only friends with me so you could get into my pants? When we slept in the same bed at night where you secretly thinking about having sex with me? You’re disgusting.”
Each word pierced Joon’s heart, breaking it a little further, unable to stop the welling in his eyes. “No, Mir, I swear, I swear that’s not it, I’m telling the truth, Seungho is cheating on you-”
SMACK
His words were cut off as his head flew to the side, cheek stinging sharply a second later as Mir pulled his hand back with a disgusted snort.
“I can’t believe I ever liked you enough to be your friend. You’re the worst. Byunghee could do so much better than you.” Mir shook his head with a sneer. “I’m going to tell Seungho hyung the lies you’ve been telling about him and Byunghee. I don’t want you around me anymore, Lee Joon. Have fun explaining to your boyfriend how you think he’s a lying cheater.” The younger man turned on his heel and stormed out the door, leaving a broken shell behind him.
Joon thought he might die, the pain in his chest was so powerful. It stole his breath away, made him weak and shivery. The pain in his cheek was nothing compared to the pain in his heart. His heart, which had always been delicate, easily broken, as though made of glass. When the door slammed shut behind the maknae, he felt the glass in his chest shatter. Hot tears streamed down his cheeks, and he hunched over, hand clutching at material of shirt right above his broken heart. What had he done? That wasn’t how things were supposed to happen. Mir wasn’t supposed to not believe him, wasn’t supposed to get angry, wasn’t…wasn’t supposed to ever find out about his love.
But now he knew, and nothing would ever be the same. A broken sob escaped from Joon’s lips, body slowly lowering to bed and curling up into a tight ball. He had lost Byunghee long ago, he realized. Maybe he had never really had him to begin with. And now he’d lost the person he’d loved for years, the person he’d wanted nothing but the best for, the person who was the reason for his smiles, the reason his world was so bright. Now the future looked dark, grey, and Joon knew that he would never truly be happy again. He’d lost the one thing he loved most in the world, and the loss was like losing part of his soul.
He cried, and let the pain carry him off, consume him. He cried, and mourned for the loss of innocence, for the loss of friendship and love. He cried, and knew things would never, ever be the same.
Author: seekin4therapy
Pairing: unrequieted Joon/Mir, mentions of Joon/G.O, Seungho/Mir, Seungho/G.O
Genre: Angst
Summary: Joon knew he loved Mir. He'd known since he first laid eyes on him. What he didn't know was how hopless that love really was.
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From the moment he had laid eyes on the boy, Joon knew he was irrevocably and hopelessly in love. His name was Bang Chulyong, though he more commonly went by his stage name, Mir. It seemed so unlikely: a city boy like Joon falling in love with a country bumpkin like Mir. And yet it had happened. All it had taken was a smile, a slight tilt of the head, and Joon was lost. He loved everything about the younger boy: he loved his dorky laugh, the way his eyes lit up when he smiled, the way he’d bring the mood of the group up with a single joke, the way he wasn’t afraid to speak his mind, the way he would stand up for what he believed in… to put it simply, Joon loved everything about Mir.
Of course, he never planned to tell him that. Joon knew very well he wasn’t good enough for Mir: past experience and many failed relationships had taught him that. There was no way such an amazing person could ever love someone like Joon; not when there were so many people who were better than him, so many people who could love Mir like he deserved to be loved.
And so he contented himself with loving the younger boy in secret. They grew closer over time during their trainee years, becoming confidants and then best friends, and all the while Mir remained unaware of the sad, longing look that would sometimes appear on Joon’s face when he walked into a room, chatting excitedly about some inane topic with a big grin on his face.
Then one day Seungho confessed to Mir, and Joon’s heart shattered as the maknae smiled brightly and answered back with an “I like you too, Seungho hyung.” He knew he had no right to feel the way he did; Seungho was perfect for Mir, able to handle his childishness and loud antics with limitless patience and unfailing kindness. Seungho was everything Joon wasn’t: quiet but firm, strong but caring, not muscled like Joon but fit and handsome nonetheless… everything Mir needed, perfect in ways Joon knew he would never be. So he swallowed around the lump in his throat and plastered a smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes, congratulating his best friend (friend, always friend, never lover, never…) that night on his new relationship with the group leader as he bounced into the room, all ecstatic grins and sparkling eyes.
“Yah, hyung, this is so amazing! Who’d have thought that Seungho hyung would ever like me, huh? I can’t believe this is real!”
Joon smiled sadly at the younger boy, reaching out to tousle his hair playfully.
“Seungho hyung is really lucky to have you, Mirmir.”
“Aish hyung, you’re just saying that because you’re my best friend!” Mir stuck his tongue out at the older man before a grin broke out across his face. “But thank you Joonie.”
Skipping out the door happily, he misses the sad, quiet chuckle that Joon couldn’t quite hold in. “Friend… right…” Glancing at the empty doorframe, he sighed and slumped down onto the bed, burying his face in his hands.
“Be happy, maknae…” he whispered, heart throbbing painfully in his chest and tears burning at the corners of his eyes. “Please be happy…”
Things changed again a few months later when Byunghee confessed to him. He had been harboring a small crush on the older man for a couple of weeks now, and although he couldn’t comprehend what had made the man confess tohim of all people, he happily agreed to go out with the lead singer. Maybe this would help him deal with the pain he felt in his heart every time he saw Mir and Seungho together. Don’t get him wrong, he was extremely happy for them. Seungho made Mir happy, and that was all that mattered to Joon: Mir’s happiness.
As happy (and confused) as he was about Byunghee’s confession, he felt compelled to tell the other man about his feelings for Mir- it wouldn’t be fair to the singer to keep something like that from him. He knew he could grow to love Byunghee- he was already halfway there anyways. But he also knew that part of his heart would always belong to the youngest member of the group, and the older man deserved to know before deciding if he still wanted Joon or not.
“So… let me get this straight. You like me, and you want to be with me… but you’re also in love with Mir. Is that about right?”
Joon nodded silently, unable to look at the older man for fear of seeing disgust or rejection in his face. Byunghee sighed and ran a hand through his hair. This was not what he had been expecting when Joon had asked to talk to him after dinner. He wasn’t all that surprised at Joon’s confession though, if he was being honest with himself. It was part of the reason he loved the younger man; his heart was so open and loving, it didn’t seem at all impossible for Joon to love two people at once.
“Why didn’t you ever tell him?”
Joon glanced over quickly before returning his gaze once more to the ground, shrugging uneasily at the question.
“I… I didn’t think he liked guys…” He wasn’t going to tell Byunghee that it was because he didn’t deserve Mir- he might take that the wrong way, and Joon was already close to losing someone else he liked without taking the risk. Byunghee tilted his head in question, arms folded over his chest. “Then why didn’t you tell him when he admitted to liking Seungho?”
He gaped at the older man incredulously. “Wh-why would I do that? You’ve, you’ve seen them together! They’re so happy… I would never want to do anything that would take that happiness away from them!”
Byunghee shrugged and let it go, having come to a decision a few minutes ago.
“Alright, you love Mir. But he’s with Seungho, and you don’t want to come between them. I still like you, and I still want to be with you, and I’m confident I can make you fall in love with me, so I’m willing to give this a go if you are.”
Joon’s face lit up in delight and he nodded rapidly, grabbing a large hand and kissing the knuckles reverently. “Thank you hyung. I-I am willing. I think… I think I could fall in love with you too.”
~4 months later~
It had been a few months since he and Byunghee had gotten together, and Joon was for all intents a purposes happy- at least, for the most part. His prediction had come true: he’d fallen in love with Byunghee, as he knew he would. Byunghee was an amazing boyfriend: he was kind, caring, sweet, loving- everything Joon knew he didn’t deserve. He thanked his lucky stars everyday for being allowed to have such a wonderful person in his life, someone who actually seemed to want to be around him and love him. But despite how happy he was with Byunghee, there were still moments- when Mir brushed up against him, or he caught a glimpse of the younger man holding hands with Seungho- that broke the other half of his heart a little bit more.
And each time that happened he felt disgusted with himself. How dare he feel this way, when Mir was so happy with Seungho. How dare he feel this way when he had someone like Byunghee who loved him despite his many faults. And then there were the moments when he wondered when he would wake up from this dream and have his world come crashing down around him. He wasn’t meant to be this happy; something had to give.
And give it did, suddenly and expectedly, without any warning whatsoever.
Mir had been looking down for a few days, and because Joon knew his best friend, watched him to make sure he was happy, he saw the way that Seungho would ignore the maknae every time he tried to start a conversation, or would shake his hand away if the younger boy went to hold it. He didn’t know what had happened, if it was something Mir had done or not, but he did know that he could not sit back and watch while the other half of his heart was miserable. He confronted Seungho one afternoon, cornering him in the dance rehearsal room after the others had already gone back to the dorm under the guise of having the leader help him with some choreography. Once he was sure that they were fully alone, he rounded on the leader angrily.
“Look, hyung, what happened between you and Mireu?”
Blinking in surprise at the sudden question, shadowed eyes narrowed quickly in warning.
“Nothing that concerns you, Changsun.”
“It does concern me hyung. I’m your friend, but I’m Chulyong’s friend too, and I’ve seen how miserable he’s been lately and how you’ve been acting towards him. What happened?
“It’s nothing Changsun. Drop it.”
“I will not!” Fueled by anger at the stubborn leader and worry over the youngest, he strode up to the older man and poked a finger into his chest.
“I don’t know what happened between you, but you need to stop ignoring him! He’s miserable, can’t you see that? He doesn’t deserve to be treated this way! There is nothing that he could have possibly done that would be bad enough to warrant this behavior. He deserves to be loved, hyung, not ignored. He deserves to be treated better!”
Seungho’s eyes narrowed in a sharp glare, and he batted Joon’s hand away viciously.
“What do you know? Besides, it’s none of your business, Changsun. You act as if you’re the one who’s in- love…”
Seungho trailed off as Joon’s eyes widened and his cheeks flushed. Eyes narrowing further in suspicion, he took a step forwards, watching as Joon stumbled back a few steps, head bowed.
“Do… you love him?”
Joon’s gaze flickered up to the piercing eyes before returning to the floor, and he nodded once, jerkily. Seungho stalked forward, Joon backing up with him until his back was pressed against the wall. The older man leaned in, whispering darkly into Joon’s ear.
“Stay away from him. He’s mine, and he will always be mine. He will never love you.”
Joon shivered at the threatening tone, nodding again.
“I-I know that….I know. I’m not going to steal him from you, hyung. He loves you, not me, and I wouldn’t ever try to take him when he’s already with someone.” He mumbled, keeping eyes lowered submissively.
“Good. Now get out of my sight.”
Joon scurried away, feeling as if ice had encased his heart. Seungho knew. He knew about Joon’s love for Mir. Nonononono…this wasn’t supposed to have happened. He’d only wanted Seungho to apologize to Mir, to make Mir smile that sun bright smile once more, for Mir to be happy again…
What if Seungho told Mir?
Joon stopped dead in his tracks, a trembling hand pressed flat against the wall.
What if Seungho told Mir?
He felt his breath catch as pure terror filled him. That couldn’t happen. He couldn’t let that happen. If Mir ever found out…everything would be over. He’d laugh at him, pity him, or worst of all…hate him. He wouldn’t even get to be Mir’s friend after that. He’d never get to see the glowing smile, the face full of laughter, he’d never have the warm hugs or playful fights or midnight cuddles again…
He bit his lip to stifle a low sob, fighting against the welling tears in his eyes. It hadn’t happened yet, there was no point in getting worked up about it now if it hadn’t happened yet. He’d just have to keep his mouth shut and stay away from Mir for a while until Seungho forgot or decided that he wasn’t a threat (like he could ever be a threat in the first place, especially not against Seungho). He nodded to himself, starting the trek back to his room before another thought hit him suddenly. If Seungho didn’t apologize to Mir, then Mir would be lonely, and he’d need his best friend…and when Mir needed him, he couldn’t say no. He never had been able to. Joon bit his lip again, torn. What was more important? Keeping Mir from finding out his secret or being there for Mir when he needed him?
…..the answer was obvious to Joon. He sighed, slowly making his way to his door and opening it, not bothering to turn on the lights and shuffling over to his bed, flopping down on top of it heavily. All he could do know was wait and see what would happen. He closed his eyes and drifted off into an uneasy sleep full of cruel laughter and scornful eyes and hearts blood tears falling down shamed cheeks.
The next day Seungho made up with Mir, and Joon heaved a silent sigh of relief as Mir’s face once again shone and a spring was added to his step. If Mir had needed him, he would have gone to him in a heartbeat, no matter the consequences, but it was a load off of Joon’s shoulders to know that it wouldn’t come to that just yet. And for a while things seemed to get better.
But of course, good things could never last.
About a month after Seungho and Joon’s confrontation, they were scheduled to perform at a concert. It had seemed like a normal day, all of them up early to spend a few hours getting their hair and makeup done and their stage clothes looking impeccable. It had seemed like a normal day, until Joon saw Seungho slip into an empty dressing room. He cocked his head curiously before and thought struck him that made him blush. Seungho had looked awful sneaky… he hid around the corner, expecting Mir to show up at any minute to sneak into the room with Seungho for some…stress relief before going on to perform. He was surprised however when instead of Mir, Byunghee came around the corner and looked around surreptitiously before slipping into the room after Seungho. Joon’s brows furrowed in confusion. Maybe Byunghee didn’t know Seungho was in there? He slowly crept closer to the door, glancing around before placing his ear against the wood, holding his breath so he could hear the conversation going on inside.
“Hyung. I’ve got…a lot of stress to get out of my system.”
Joon muffled a gasp with a hand, eyes growing wide with shock. No…it couldn’t be. He must be understanding it wrong. Byunghee wouldn’t…Seungho wouldn’t do that to Mir, he couldn’t…
But apparently he could, as slowly there came the sounds of skin slapping together from the other side of the door, labored breathing and muffled curses muffled by solid wood. The hand pressed against his mouth shook, and he started badly when the sound of footsteps sounded from down the hall, moving closer to where Joon was pressed up against a dressing room door. He quickly scrambled to hide around the opposite corner, peeking around the wall to see who it was that was coming and feeling his heart stop when Mir came striding around the corner across from Joon, looking left and right before moving towards the door.
Oh no…please, no…
Never had Joon prayed harder than at that moment. He promised anything, everything, as long as Mir didn’t find out what was happening behind that door. He never even realized he was holding his breath once again, eyes riveted as a hand reached out to knock on the door.
“Yah, Seungho hyung? Byunghee hyung?” Mir’s voice was chipper, his face innocent and unassuming and (no no please no please don’t let him find out, not like this…)
Byunghee’s rough voice sounded a moment later, followed shortly after by Seungho’s, words indecipherable to Joon who was too far away to make them out.
“We’re almost on, what’s taking you so long? Byunghee is looking for you, are you alright?” Mir asked, face creased in sudden concern.
Seungho’s voice came again, a bit louder, and Mir frowned but shrugged and turned to walk back the way he came from. A few minutes later and the two older men exited the room, straightening out clothes, Seungho’s hair completely disheveled but looking like it had been purposefully styled that way. Later Mir would ask him how he got his hair to do that, because ‘I wanna get mine to do that too!’, and Seungho would smile and let lies spill easily from his lips, and Joon would look on and his heart would throb with pain, pain for the lie, pain for the betrayal, pain for the knowledge that he would have to tell Mir and Mir would break and it would be his fault.
But for know he watched them disappear after Mir, watched them from the floor and when had his legs given out? He curled up against the wall and buried his face in his knees and let the anguish wash over him, let it consume him now because there wouldn’t be time for it later and he had to be strong, had to be strong for Mir because this would destroy him and Joon had to be the one to put him back together.
-Later at the dorm-
Joon’s footsteps were heavy. He knew he had to confront Byunghee about this at some point; he just didn’t know when. How long had this been going on? Wasn’t Mir enough for Seungho? How could Seungho do something like this to Mir? How could Byunghee go along with it? He had no illusions as to why Byunghee had cheated on him-Seungho was a better choice in every way. He’d hoped he could be enough to please Byunghee, but somewhere inside him he had always known that he would never be enough for Byunghee, that Byunghee would never be satisfied with only half of his heart. But Seungho…how could he have done this to Mir?
The thought repeated itself over and over in his head, and each time he drew a blank. Mir was perfect and amazing and everything anyone could want…so how could Seungho do this to him? Joon’s feet felt like lead now, the other knowledge he held weighing him down further. He had to tell Mir.
He knew what would happen, could almost see it with startling clarity in his mind’s eye. Mir would be devastated, probably break down into tears, ask millions of questions that Joon wouldn’t have an answer for, and every tear that fell, every sob that escaped Mir’s lips would tear a new hole in Joon’s heart. But he would be strong, he wouldn’t let his emotions show, and he would be there to comfort Mir, because lord knows he would need it.
Taking a deep, steadying breath as he arrived outside Mir’s door, he raised a hand, pausing before knocking softly. His heart jumped into his throat when a bright voice answered the knock a second later.
“Come in!”
He gripped the door handle tightly, knuckles white from the force, and took in another breath before twisting knob and pushing the door open slowly, peeking head inside.
“Mirmir…?” He asked hesitantly, looking around room and spotting Mir sitting on his bed with a stack of manga beside him. Mir looked up from the one he was reading and smiled upon seeing Joon in the doorway.
“Joon hyung! Come on in!”
Joon hesitantly stepped inside, mind racing, desperately searching for a way to broach the matter and tell Mir gently instead of just blurting it out like he knew he was want to do. “Mirmir? Can I, uh…can I talk to you?”
“Sure hyung. What is it?” The smile fades a bit, Mir sitting up and setting the manga aside, patting bed in an invitation for Joon to come and sit beside him. Joon makes his way over slowly, his reluctance clear on his face, causing Mir’s face to frown with worry. “Joon?”
“It’s…it’s about S-Seungho hyung…” He sits down gingerly on bed, wringing his hands together in his lap.
“What about Seungho, Joonie?”
“He…” A gulp, eyes flicking nervously up to Mir’s face before squeezing shut, words coming out in a rush. “HeandByungheearesleepingtogether!”
Silence. There was a tension in the room, a heaviness, and Joon carefully cracked open an eye to peek at Mir’s face. To his surprise, there wasn’t a look of crushed feelings on it, nor was there surprise or hurt. His expression was blank as he stared at Joon silently before opening his mouth to speak.
“What?”
“I, um…S-Seungho hyung and Byunghe are…a-are sleeping together.” Joon stutters out once more in a shaky voice, opening both eyes now. Mir frowns, corners of mouth lowering, shaking head. “No they’re not.”
“Mir…” Joon blinks, surprised at the denial. “They are. I heard them earlier, before we performed. That was why Seungho’s hair was all messy.”
Mir’s face darkens, shooting a glare at Joon who flinched away from the look not expecting it at all.
“They are not sleeping together. Seungho wouldn’t do that to me. Why are you lying?”
“I’m not lying!” He’s hurt, face creasing in confusion, not understanding. This wasn’t what he thought would happen at all. Why was Mir denying what he was saying?
“You are too! Seungho wouldn’t cheat on me, he loves me! Don’t lie!” Mir shouts suddenly, standing from bed. “This isn’t funny!”
“I’m not trying to be funny! Mir, I’m serious, I heard them, they’re sleeping together!” He stands as well, making an abortive motion to grab Mir’s arm. “I know it’s not what you want to hear, but you deserve to know the truth-” “Shut up!” The younger man’s voice grows louder, whirling around to fix Joon with a hateful look. “Stop saying that! Stop lying! Do you want to hurt me that badly, huh?”
“Mir, please! I’m not lying! I don’t want to hurt you, that’s the last thing I want, I love y-” He cuts off, eyes growing wide, slapping a hand over his mouth to keep from letting more of his hidden secrets spill. Mir’s eyes widen as well.
“You…love me? You…” His eyes narrow again, face turning red as rage grows. “So that’s it? You love me, so you’re trying to break me and Seungho up by telling these lies about him? How could you?! You’re the lowest, Lee Joon!”
“No, Mir, no, that’s not it!” Joon cries, shaking head and feeling his eyes sting at the poisonous words, ignoring it and reaching out a pleading hand to Mir. “I do, I love you, but I would never try to break you up, please, you have to believe me-” “Liar!” Mir slaps his hand away, breathing hard and trembling. “I can’t believe you would stoop to this. So what, were you only friends with me so you could get into my pants? When we slept in the same bed at night where you secretly thinking about having sex with me? You’re disgusting.”
Each word pierced Joon’s heart, breaking it a little further, unable to stop the welling in his eyes. “No, Mir, I swear, I swear that’s not it, I’m telling the truth, Seungho is cheating on you-”
SMACK
His words were cut off as his head flew to the side, cheek stinging sharply a second later as Mir pulled his hand back with a disgusted snort.
“I can’t believe I ever liked you enough to be your friend. You’re the worst. Byunghee could do so much better than you.” Mir shook his head with a sneer. “I’m going to tell Seungho hyung the lies you’ve been telling about him and Byunghee. I don’t want you around me anymore, Lee Joon. Have fun explaining to your boyfriend how you think he’s a lying cheater.” The younger man turned on his heel and stormed out the door, leaving a broken shell behind him.
Joon thought he might die, the pain in his chest was so powerful. It stole his breath away, made him weak and shivery. The pain in his cheek was nothing compared to the pain in his heart. His heart, which had always been delicate, easily broken, as though made of glass. When the door slammed shut behind the maknae, he felt the glass in his chest shatter. Hot tears streamed down his cheeks, and he hunched over, hand clutching at material of shirt right above his broken heart. What had he done? That wasn’t how things were supposed to happen. Mir wasn’t supposed to not believe him, wasn’t supposed to get angry, wasn’t…wasn’t supposed to ever find out about his love.
But now he knew, and nothing would ever be the same. A broken sob escaped from Joon’s lips, body slowly lowering to bed and curling up into a tight ball. He had lost Byunghee long ago, he realized. Maybe he had never really had him to begin with. And now he’d lost the person he’d loved for years, the person he’d wanted nothing but the best for, the person who was the reason for his smiles, the reason his world was so bright. Now the future looked dark, grey, and Joon knew that he would never truly be happy again. He’d lost the one thing he loved most in the world, and the loss was like losing part of his soul.
He cried, and let the pain carry him off, consume him. He cried, and mourned for the loss of innocence, for the loss of friendship and love. He cried, and knew things would never, ever be the same.