(no subject)
So, in a fit of what I can only describe as very, very poor impulse control, I googled Misha's old screen name tonight. My first serious attempt to find her on the great big internet since high school. Since I fucked everything between us up.
She seems to be doing well, grown up a bit, the sort of person I'd be friends with. Hell, she reminds me of Kuro and Su. And yet... I think the hardest part of finally doing this was the settling in of a deep, heart-rending certainty.
Misha and I will never be friends.
It isn't because of her, maybe she'd even be willing to extend the hand of peace after five years of total seclusion from each other. I wouldn't think she would (I certainly wouldn't question her reason in refusing), but the sorrow comes from what I know of myself. I don't think my feelings for her would allow me to have a sane, reasonable friendship with her. I really wish I could. I'd even kind of like to try. But my heart tells me I'll can't grow out of everything I did to her.
Maybe I'm just trying to deny myself my own forgiveness? Certainly she's intensely symbolic of my self-loathing.
I don't know. I left her a message on her now-defunct LJ. Maybe she'll get it... hopefully she'll take it in the sense it was meant. Maybe neither.
It felt good to be so honest with her, after so much energy spent trying to manipulate her. I hope she does find it in her heart to try to talk to me again. Hell, I'd like to be forgiven, but I'm not sure I deserve it. Maybe I really want her to just reinforce my own feeling of disgust with what I did back then. Most likely, she'll ignore it. I think I can deal with that too... though I hope she doesn't. That's what she always did, and it really seems like she's grown up a bit.
Oh well. Enough of this. I've already demonstrated to myself that I can't handle reading her LJ, so I'm going to try to find something to distract me til I can manage to get to sleep.
She seems to be doing well, grown up a bit, the sort of person I'd be friends with. Hell, she reminds me of Kuro and Su. And yet... I think the hardest part of finally doing this was the settling in of a deep, heart-rending certainty.
Misha and I will never be friends.
It isn't because of her, maybe she'd even be willing to extend the hand of peace after five years of total seclusion from each other. I wouldn't think she would (I certainly wouldn't question her reason in refusing), but the sorrow comes from what I know of myself. I don't think my feelings for her would allow me to have a sane, reasonable friendship with her. I really wish I could. I'd even kind of like to try. But my heart tells me I'll can't grow out of everything I did to her.
Maybe I'm just trying to deny myself my own forgiveness? Certainly she's intensely symbolic of my self-loathing.
I don't know. I left her a message on her now-defunct LJ. Maybe she'll get it... hopefully she'll take it in the sense it was meant. Maybe neither.
It felt good to be so honest with her, after so much energy spent trying to manipulate her. I hope she does find it in her heart to try to talk to me again. Hell, I'd like to be forgiven, but I'm not sure I deserve it. Maybe I really want her to just reinforce my own feeling of disgust with what I did back then. Most likely, she'll ignore it. I think I can deal with that too... though I hope she doesn't. That's what she always did, and it really seems like she's grown up a bit.
Oh well. Enough of this. I've already demonstrated to myself that I can't handle reading her LJ, so I'm going to try to find something to distract me til I can manage to get to sleep.