What If
Title: What If
Pairing: Sehun/Kai
Rating: G
Summary: Jongin wants to protect Sehun so he keeps their relationship a secret. But what if what he wants makes him sad?
A/N: You have to see this video first before reading. → 世界 //what if
The video inspired me to write this short fic.
(If you didn't watch it you're missing out on a lot. She has a lot of other sekai fan videos, you must watch them all. She's awesome!)
For ♥Vic and ♥Den who feed me a lot of sekai feels. ;___;
It's not much though.
"Good morning!" Sehun opens his eyes to reveal a smiling Jongin beside him, who leans in and gives him a kiss on the skin in the middle of his eyes.
"Rise and shine." He grins as he gets up from the bed, patting his thigh.
Sehun closes his eyes again, savoring the feeling of his touch and the memory of their wonderful night last night. A smile appears on his face and Jongin doesn't miss it.
"Hey hey." He bends over the still smiling Sehun, leaning his hands on the soft bed for support as he inches his face closer to him. Sehun opens his eyes to find an amused Jongin quirking an eyebrow at him. His breath tickling his chin as he smiles in amusement at Sehun's face.
"Remembering something nice? Hm?" He questions, obviously knowing the answer. He can't stop himself from smiling at the thought of it either.
"Maybe." Sehun plays along as he slides his arms around his neck to keep him closer. Jongin smirks and puts a hand on his waist. They stare at each other lovingly before Jongin pulls away, stretching a hand to the lying Sehun.
"Come on, we have a schedule." He helps him stand and continues on to prepare for the day's activities. Unknowingly, Sehun heaves a deep sigh behind him.
Work is everything for Jongin. Sehun tells him it's the same for him. No matter what, work comes first and they've agreed on it together. It doesn't become much of a hindrance to the both of them anyway, being in the same group and doing activities together. Jongin believes it's the best setup they could have. They could laugh together, cry together, spend time together. He feels fortunate for being able to attain his dream and have Sehun by his side at the same time. Not only does he get to realize both his dreams in life, but Sehun can too, with him. But as perfect as it may seem, he needs to sacrifice one thing. And to him it's nothing compared to what the two of them will get in the end.
"Keep it a secret?" Sehun echoes him.
Jongin nods slowly. "It's better this way where people won't know that something's going on between us." He reaches a hand to his hair as the younger looks up at him from his seat.
"But if we keep us a secret..." He trails off as a frown lands on his face.
Jongin crouches in front of him, running his thumb on his chin before lightly bringing it up to let him face him. "That way people won't question us. No bad opinions, no negative words thrown at us. We get to do our own thing without people judging us."
Sehun reaches out for the hand cupping his face. "Fine." He sighs before looking into his eyes.
"I just don't want you hurt." Jongin mumbles silently. And Sehun brightens up.
"It's okay. Let's keep it a secret then." He gives him a smile to let him know that he agrees. Jongin is the type who blames himself for anything that makes Sehun sad. But he has never actually given him a reason to be sad. Jongin just worries too much.
Jongin cracks a small smile. "Don't let that smile fade away. It's my favorite on you." He kisses his nose gently. Sehun's smile widens.
Sehun understands that time. But maybe not anymore.
*
The day has stretched out too far it feels like they've been awake for 48 hours straight. Jongin slumps on the couch, letting out a little 'ouch' as his hip bumps onto the soft foam under him. Chanyeol, who has his eyes close beside him a second ago, looks up at him in question.
"Are you okay?" He asks in his tired deep voice. Baekhyun looks at him too.
"You don't look that good." He comments upon seeing a pained expression on his face.
Jongin waves a hand and relaxes his face. "I'm alright." He catches Sehun's eyes at him, worry etched on his face.
"What's wrong?" He mouths in silence while the others aren't looking.
Jongin looks away, shaking his head slightly to answer his unvoiced question. Sehun looks away too and bites his lower lip. It's one of the things that bothers him about the agreement they have. He can barely talk to Jongin the same way when they're with the rest of the members. He knows little actions won't hurt but Jongin thinks otherwise. He is a perfectionist, just as how he probably hurt his waist for being too persistent about his dances. Jongin wants to show not much interaction between them. He makes up for it after anyway. But it still doesn't fail to give Sehun tiny heartbreaks every time they try to ignore each other nor communicate less when everybody is around.
Sehun ignores his little sentiments. It's not like Jongin does it without a purpose.
"Are you really okay?" Sehun lowers his voice into a whisper as the clock ticks loudly in the room. He glances up at Junmyun on the other bed, sleeping peacefully as his tired face relaxes a bit. The phone in his hand heats up and warms against his ear.
"Yea, don't worry." Comes Jongin's calm voice. He waves the anxiety in Sehun's voice off as he chuckles lightly. "You worry too much."
"You make me worried." Sehun pouts against the receiver. "Especially since I can't ask you in person."
Jongin keeps quiet at this. Sehun feels the silence so he moves on. "Why don't you let me take a look at it so I can judge?"
"Hmm?" Jongin hums and takes a peek at the fully covered in blanket Kyungsoo. "Kyungsoo is sleeping."
"Can't I just--"
"Just hold on." Jongin cuts him and Sehun hears a shuffling on the other end. He waits and Jongin's voice comes around again.
"Open the door."
"What?"
"Open your door. I'm outside your room."
Sehun slowly tiptoes his way to Jongin. He opens the door to reveal an all-smile almost perfect human being, as to how he thinks of him to be.
"You actually came." Sehun raises an eyebrow, closing the door behind him in case they wake their leader up.
"You said I made you worry." The other sheepishly rubs the back of his head. This is why Sehun can't tell him how his idea about keeping their relationship a secret makes him unhappy. He feels too guilty at the sligtest things that Sehun complains about. He shakes his head with a little smile.
"May I see?"
Jongin turns his back to reveal a huge patch on his skin while he pulls his shirt up a little.
"It looks like it hurts." Sehun pouts as he mildly touches the side of his skin. Jongin winces a bit.
"It hurts doesn't it?" He lifts up his finger and crosses his arms.
"A bit." Jongin grunts and lets his shirt fall. "But bearable." He quickly amends as Sehun gives him a look.
"Nothing to worry about." He snakes his arms around Sehun's waist and pulls him closer. The warmth from Jongin is different from all the other things he feels. Sehun gets distracted from worrying to feeling Jongin resting his chin on his shoulder.
"Next time, take a lot more care." He whispers as he wraps his arms around him as well.
"I will." Jongin promises. And Sehun rests his cheek on his shoulder. Maybe, he still understands.
*
A few days have passed, a week, two weeks, a month. All of them have been busy. The fans take them all so openly, nothing else makes Jongin's heart burst in joy. He looks back at everyone, waving and giving a heart to them occasionally. He stands next to Sehun who silently beams at everyone. Jongin is oblivious to him at the moment, while Sehun takes a little glimpse of his happy face. He has to admit that his heart jumps in joy at their success and at how happy he seems to be. It's been long since he last had a private encounter with him. They have been too busy that they did not have time for personal things anymore, which includes him, in Jongin's part. Sehun puts his feelings aside and smiles at the people cheering for him.
It's time for them to bow so Junmyun starts saying goodbye to their fans. He leads with his mic and holds Baekhyun's hand who stands next to him. Sehun looks beside him as they all hold hands for a final bow. He feels Jongin grab his hand and it sends an electric chill to his spine. It's been long since he's touched him.
He glances at him but he isn't looking at his side and is focused on the fans. He lets out a little sigh until he feels a tiny squeeze on his hand. It gets him off balance again. He knows Jongin is sending him a message. He keeps his gaze forward and he feels another squeeze. He squeezes his hand back. A small smile appears on Jongin's lips.
"1. 2. 3." Junmyun counts and they do their bow. When they come round up they start waving again. Jongin's hand lingers on his for a few more seconds before letting go. Sehun bites his lip at the absence of that warmth he misses so much. He turns to face him and Jongin, even though he knows the way to the exit is to his left, pretends that he turns the other way, bumping onto Sehun on the process. He puts a hand on his waist in fake surprise and their shoulders brush.
"Oops." He says, giving a tender smile to the younger and Sehun almost slips out of his control. The urge to hold him back and hug him is too strong but he lets it go.
Sehun points to the other way and he lets Jongin walk before him. Maybe, he can still try to understand.
*
Things have been tough as time goes by. They gather in the dining room where the rest of the members, even the Chinese ones, are. They form a little circle, not leaving anyone behind. Sehun sits with his favorite leader and roommate who has been watching out for him for a while now. Next to him is another of his favorite, Luhan. He looks up at Jongin who seems to be in an animated conversation with his own roommate. He doesn't want to be petty but he thinks he could at least sit with him if he wants to. He looks away.
"The popular one is probably Kai." Kyungsoo ruffles his hair as Jongin denies it, waving his hands in humility. Sehun's lips curve up with pride while Jongin continues to shake his head in embarrassment.
"What surprises me the most is the crowd's response to Sehun and Luhan's relationship." Sehun looks up at Kris who said it. "Everybody likes them together."
The whole group nods and starts to tease them. Luhan turns red and punches Kris beside him. Sehun bows his head as the heat creeps up onto his cheeks at the attention they're giving them.
"Maybe Sehun should stick to Luhan a lot more in the future." A voice suggests and Sehun falls silent. Out of everyone, he does not expect him to encourage that. He looks up at Jongin but he is already laughing with Kyungsoo at his side.
Jongin plops on the sofa energetically as the other members decide to watch a movie in the living room. Junmyun shakes his head and goes to his room instead to take a rest. Some of the members decide to do other things too. Until the only people left are the younger ones.
Jongin watches as Baekhyun and Chanyeol argues about which film is better while Tao inserts his own favorite movie sneakily. Jongin snickers silently. He shifts his eyes sideways to look at the silent Sehun. He has been staring on the floor oblivious to the little commotion Baekhyun and Chanyeol are doing. Jongin narrows his eyes and looks away.
"What did I do this time?" He thinks worriedly. He stands from his seat and pockets his hands as he transfers seats. He ends up beside Sehun, leaving enough gap for them to be comfortable.
Tao and Kyungsoo watch their two older members in amusement. Jongdae has long gone to play with Minseok and the rest.
Jongin playfully pokes Sehun's side, pretending he did nothing as he looks straight ahead of him. Sehun does not respond. It surprises him that Jongin actually decides to do that around the members. It only means he has noticed his change of mood and is probably feeling guilty already. But it does not make him feel better. He's tired of it, in all honesty.
The older of them repeats his past action, still receiving nothing from Sehun but a little sigh. With that he looks up at him with confused eyes.
His eyes question him, partly innocently and partly just worried.
"Is anything wrong?" He asks in a barely audible whisper in which Sehun only understands when he reads his lips. His palm brushes his arm lightly and it sends a tingling sensation to Sehun's skin.
He blinks once and whispers back, a little louder than Jongin's earlier.
"Maybe I should just stick to Luhan." After that, he stands and makes his way to his room. It isn't clear to him as to why he is taking this out on Jongin. He knows it was a joke, but maybe he isn't up for any of that. Maybe he's just jealous at how the other members can laugh with him freely and he can't. Or maybe he's just fed up. Maybe the answer is everything. Maybe he doesn't know if he can still understand.
Normally, Jongin would have made a move that night to apologize for his actions. He isn't the type to leave Sehun mad at him until the night is over or he wouldn't be able to sleep at all. But that night is the first. Sehun goes to sleep without hearing his voice. Without him saying goodnight. Without Jongin making up for keeping their relationship a secret. Sehun lies on his bed full of thoughts of him. Maybe, just maybe, Jongin is fed up too.
*
More days come, Jongin has only been watching from afar. Sehun looks fine with the other members, he sometimes laughs, tells jokes, or sometimes just stays silent which is probably normal to him. The one thing he can't take is the way his lips curve down when he's near him. The way his body tenses as they get close and the way he inclines himself away from him at the slightest movement. Of course Jongin notices all of it, his senses are too strong when it comes to Sehun. He regrets saying those words but is that all to it? Maybe, maybe Sehun is tired of him. And he fears that the most.
*
The dorm is quiet and everyone is exhausted to even come out of their rooms. It's a full day with no activities ahead of them yet they have unanimously decided to stay in and get enough rest in preparation for the coming busy days. Sehun is on his way back to his room when Jongin coincidentally comes across the hall. They face each other for what seems like 5 heart beats before Sehun breaks away and walks forward. Jongin stays rooted on the spot as Sehun walks past him, accidentally brushing an arm with his. He stops half a second and bites his lip before moving on. Jongin isn't aware that he is holding his breath and he only exhales after Sehun has closed the door. He regrets, but which part of it.
At night when everyone has fallen asleep, Jongin musters his courage and dials his number. He hasn't told Sehun how he has had sleepless nights since then. He isn't given the chance to tell him anything anyway. He takes a deep breath before putting the phone near his ear. Three rings before Sehun picks up and Jongin's heart is racing.
"Hey." Sehun's voice is down and he sighs on the other end.
"Hey." Jongin says. Somehow he feels himself alive, just by hearing from him.
Silence fills the line and Jongin doesn't actually hear anything but Sehun's slow breathing. He wonders if his heart isn't racing unlike his, or he wonders whether it has stopped beating for him at all.
"Sehun." He speaks through the receiver with his hand tightly clasped on his phone.
He doesn't respond. And with that there's nothing else he could feel but guilt. Maybe it's all his fault.
"Do I make you sad?" He asks the last thing that would make sense.
Sehun buries himself in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, absorbing Jongin's voice, the one he misses so much.
"Do I make you sad?"It rings in his ears. He always cares for that the most. The one thing Jongin doesn't want is Sehun being sad. He'd do anything just to take the frown away from him and put a smile to his face. Sometimes Sehun asks why he's obsessed at making him happy. But then he forgets about it because he, too, wants him happy. The reason is no longer important.
He closes his eyes. If he says no, it would be unfair. If he says yes, it will break his heart. He stays silent.
"I'm sorry." Jongin's voice comes into a sigh. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He chants it repeatedly.
"Have I told you how much I love your smile on you?" Jongin continues. "The way your lips curve up at the sides, and your eyes twinkle like little lamplights under the moon or sun." A little smile appears at Jongin's lips.
"I love waking up to your smiles. And looking into your eyes that's full of happiness." Jongin let's out a bitter laugh. "I'm really sorry."
"I'm sorry that I can't seem to bring a smile to your face anymore."
"I'm sorry that I can't make you happy anymore."
"I'm sorry that I'm the one who causes you sadness now."
"I'm sorry Sehun."
A tear trickles down Sehun's cheek.
Is he being unfair for letting Jongin feel this way? Is it too much to let him feel sorry for the things he probably did not do on purpose? Sehun’s tears flow just as how the words “I’m sorry” come out of Jongin’s mouth endlessly.
He closes his eyes shut and focuses on Jongin’s voice. It hurts him too.
It’s not you, Sehun thinks. It’s what you want.
*
A fateful Tuesday has them alone in the dorm while the rest take a break or a schedule. Sehun finds Jongin alone in his room, face in his palms and obviously weary. He knocks lightly on the door and he can’t deny the look of surprise in Jongin’s eyes. Nevertheless, he walks in and sits on the opposite bed, not quite looking him in the eyes. He purses his lips before he looks up and sees how devastated Jongin is at the moment. He holds himself back from tackling him now in a hug. He needs to make it clear.
“Won’t you fix it?” He says.
Jongin looks up in question.
“Us.” Sehun finishes.
Jongin stares for a second before crouching towards Sehun at the other bed. Sehun feels the pain again, the pain of missing him too much. He closes his eyes as Jongin holds his hand. Jongin reaches for his face, running a thumb on his cheeks.
“I’m sorry.” He says again. He moves closer until their foreheads touch and Sehun feels his hand on his face with his eyes closed. “I’m sorry that what I want makes you sad.”
Sehun crumbles with his words. So he figured it out. The truth in them ringing in his ears and it makes him sadder when he hears it from him.
“I’m sorry, Sehun.” He kisses his nose, his eyes, his cheek, his lips.
Sehun realizes that whatever condition he’s put into, he won’t care as long as he can be with Jongin. As long as Jongin is there for him. Sehun realizes that maybe, maybe he’s willing to understand again.
He grips Jongin’s shoulder, too tight that he feels his own hot tears forced out of his eyes.
“I’m sorry, too.” He whispers.
Jongin shakes his head. “It’s all my fault.”
Sehun grabs him and crushes his body to him. He sobs onto his clothes and Jongin’s warm long hands wrap around him entirely.
“You know that I’m always all for you.”
Sehun nods, he knows.
“I’m sorry?” Jongin says one last time. And Sehun presses his lips to his neck to show that he accepts the apology.
“Thank you for not letting go.” Jongin mumbles softly into his hair. He then pulls him slowly away from him, brushing his hair away from his eyes, staring into them deeply, before bringing his face to his and slowly molds his lips upon his.
*
The next schedule, the members sit together in the van and anticipate the coming work.
Chanyeol rubs the back of his neck as he enters the van. Sehun follows and takes a seat behind him. Usually he would sit right next to Baekhyun, and Baekhyun is sitting next to Chanyeol. Kyungsoo is about to hop in when Jongin stops him and enters first.
“Changing seats?” Kyungsoo takes the one behind him.
Jongin just smiles. “Maybe I want to stick to Sehun for now.”
Sehun cracks a little smile at that.
“To stir up something about the two of us. I’m kind of jealous of Luhan.” He chuckles to himself.
“Well, good luck with that.” Baekhyun comments jokingly.
Sehun looks innocently at Jongin wherein the latter just pouts and creases his forehead. He looks back at Sehun and grabs his hand.
“It’s okay, I’m the real one anyway.” He tucks their interlaced hands between them.
Sehun just puts his head on Jongin’s shoulder, giggling away.
Maybe they don’t have to hide.