Doom
Me: Come on, you guys, I promise it'll be good.
My Friends: Yeah, because any movie called "Doom," starring a guy called "The Rock" is definitely Oscar material.
Me: Shut up. His real name is "Dwayne Johnson."
My Friends: Like that's so much better.
Men With Guns: See how we smash things and have dirty pictures and make stupid jokes. We are Men With Guns! Rawr.
Goat (one of the Men With Guns, not an actual goat): See how I squish this orange with my fist of serious Christianity.
Karl: ::assembles weapon::
Me: EEEEEEE! Mine! ::grabbing motions::
My Friends: You are so pathetic.
The Rock: ::recieves orders from computer while conveniently half naked::
Computer: Do this and this and this. Yadda Yadda Yadda technical crap. Something about necessary force.
The Rock: Do this and this and this. Yadda Yadda Yadda technical crap. Something about necessary force.
Computer: No, I'm telling you.
The Rock: No, I'm telling you.
Computer: Look, there's really no need to talk to me. I'm a computer. This is a message. Just shut up and go shoot stuff.
The Rock: Look, there's really no need to talk to me. I'm a computer. This is a message. Just shut up and go shoot stuff.
Computer: Come on, stop it.
The Rock: Come on, stop it.
Computer: You muscly types aren't the brightest crayons in the box, are you?
The Rock: You muscly types aren't the brightest crayons in the box, are you?
Computer: Bite me.
The Rock: Bite me.
Computer: Aaaargh!
The Rock: Orders received and understood.
Computer: I need a vacation.
The Rock: Okay, Men. Get ready to go shoot things.
Men With Guns: ::run off::
The Rock: Karl, wait.
Karl: Yeah?
The Rock: I don't think you should go.
Karl: What? Dude, I'm the hottest white guy on the mission. I have to go because everyone else is going to get killed off or unexpectedly turn evil, and someone has to be left to save the galaxy. Duh.
The Rock: But are you sure your tragic past isn't going to haunt you?
Karl: Of course it will. It's the perfect excuse for me to stare pensively into the distance. Observe. ::frowns::
The Rock: Uh, very good. Really, all of this is really just an excuse for me to demonstrate how caring and attentive a leader I am. Not evil at all.
Karl: Cool. Let's go kill stuff with our big guns.
Me: Omigod Karl is the cutest rugged interplanetary Navy Seal with a huge gun ever.
My Friends: Shut up. And he's not a Navy Seal -- he's a Rapid Response Tactical Squad member.
Me: Whatever.
The Rock: We’re here and we’re fabulous.
Pinky: I’m badass, I’m kickass, and you call me Pinky, dammit. Grr.
One of the Men With Guns: Someone seems a little aggressive. You compensating for something?
Karl: He’s MISSING HALF OF HIS BODY, jackass.
Sam: I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m the cutest little Grimm you ever saw.
Karl: Dammit, I want to be the cute one. ::pouts::
Duke: Hey man, who’s the hot piece of ass?
Karl: Ewomigodsister.
Duke: Aw, come on. Tell me you’ve never thought about it.
Karl: Shut up. This isn’t Star Wars.
Karl: So what’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
Sam: Researching supercool absolutely fabulously awesome people. Who are dead. And in the totally illogical pose of shielding their young from some terror, who, if it killed them, would have ripped them apart, thereby ruining their protective pose. But they’re still really smart.
Karl: If they’re so smart, why are they so dead?
Sam: Thought that up on your own, did you?
Karl: Shut up. I have a gun.
Animals in Cages: ::howl, scream, yowl, and make agitated gerbil noises::
Men With Guns: Huh. These animals in cages seem really upset… But it’s probably nothing.
Men With Guns: ::come across weird scientist guy with a severed arm not his own::
Weird Scientist Guy: ::rips own ear off::
Sam: Ew.
One of the Men With Guns: That's funny. He just ripped his own ear off. Do you think something particularly slimy seriously traumatized him?
The Rock: Nah. Come on, let's split up and go wander around the dark creepy hallways emitting ominous growling noises.
Goat: I am serious and Christian. Observe how I can recall creepy, doom-laden Bible passages at will. Death death doom death doom death death.
Karl: Okay not helping here.
Goat: Really? ::kicks barrel:: God dammit!
Karl: So much for serious Christian.
Goat: I know. Hold on. I need to turn into a thirteen year old girl and cut myself.
Karl: And I thought I was angsty.
Destroyer, Who Is Six Foot Something: ::girlish scream::
The Rock: What is it?
Destroyer: A monkey… some kind of monkey.
The Rock: Don’t worry. My blindingly white teeth will protect you. Also, I am a leader who cares about my men, and humanity at large. As in, I would never randomly decide to go ballistic and try to massacre my men and any other humans I might find.
Destroyer: My hero.
Goat: Huh, that’s convenient. My flashlight batteries go out just as something is about to attack me.
Ridiculously Slimy Monster: Blargh! I give you lick of DOOM now!
One of the Men With Guns: Huh. Something in the dark with glowing eyes. I think I’ll stare at it.
Ridiculously Slimy Monster: Rawr! You die now!
My Friends: Human eyes don’t reflect light. Duh.
Me: So much for the Rapid Response bit.
The Rock: Um, where did the dead scientist guy go?
Sam: He left.
The Rock: And that doesn't, like, worry you?
Sam: Not really, no. I mean, it's not like he's going to turn into a Ridiculously Slimy Monster and come careening down the hallway trying to kill us, only stopping when it gets caught in this convenient shifting-type door.
The Rock: Good point.
Big Gun: I am the biggest gun evah. Bigger than the rest of the guns. I shoot explosive blue jiz-I mean, plasma. Also, I have a flag.
The Rock: It’s the BFG!
My friends: The Big Friendly Giant?
The Rock: The Big Fucking Gun!
My friends: Grace, You are never picking the movie ever again.
The Rock: What is that Ridiculously Slimy Monster caught in the convenient shifting-type door?
Sam: Oh, that’s the dead scientist guy.
Dead Scientist Guy: ::twitch::
The Rock: Why is it still alive?
Sam: Because it might be reversible.
The Rock: His condition is irreversible. ::blows thing's head off:: Because his condition is that he's dead.
Sam: I can see where my brother gets his witty repartee.
Room: ::covered in the guts of various animals::
Men With Guns: The animals! Where have the various animals gone? What could have happened to them?
Me: Okay now you deserve to die. There were puppies there. Puppies. I saw. No one kills my puppies, dammit.
Karl: Okay, Sam. Here’s where you become useful in addition to hot. What’s causing these Ridiculously Slimy Monsters?
Sam: I think it’s the conveniently unexplored ten percent of the brain which maps your soul, thereby serving as an indicator of whether you are virtuous enough to turn into a kickass superhuman or an icky monster.
Karl: Damn. How can we stop it?
Sam: Separate the sinners from the virtuous and make sure the bad ones don’t get bitten.
Karl: I’m, uh, not much of a moral compass.
Sam: Shooting them also seems to work.
Karl: Yay!
The Rock: Everybody look at my gun! Isn’t it purdy? Also, I’ve decided that in order to stop the sliminess from spreading, we need to kill everybody we find. Even younglings.
Karl: Younglings?
The Rock: I mean children.
Karl: But not everybody will turn into a monster.
The Rock: I know. I just really like shooting this gun. Also I’m a psychotic immoral bastard.
Karl: Huh. That was unexpected.
Sam: Okay brother, I’m going to inject you with this handy dandy super chromosome I just happen to have lying around.
Karl: How do you know I won’t turn into a Psycho-Slimy?
Sam: Because you’re hot and The Rock’s already evil, so you have to be the one to save the day.
Karl: But you’re here, and you’re hot.
Sam: I’m a woman, silly. Now just be quiet and get ready to whoop ass.
Movie: ::shifts to first person::
Me: No! Where did my pretty go?
Karl: You die! And you die! Die die die die! Knife in the head for you! Hellfire for you! Run, you undead slimy scum! Muahahahaha Man, Sam was so right. I am a moral beacon.
Pinky: I’m a dog with horns and a wheelchair! Blargh!
Karl: Good thing all laboratories come equipped with a chain saw, or else I’d be dead.
The Rock: Now I am Evil with a capital Hideous! Prepare to be pwned!
Karl: Don’t be stupid. Not only do I have the moral advantage, but I’m hotter than you.
Me: Damn right.
The Rock: Shut up and choke on my totally non-symbolic rod.
Karl: Un-uh, girlfriend. I never go down on the first smackdown. Die.
The Rock: Okay. ::dies::
Karl: I shall carry you off into the sunlight, now.
Sam: As my totally platonic brother.
Karl: Right.
The End