[Orig] Maybe I'm a Lion (31days)
Title: Maybe I'm a Lion
Day/Theme: September 8 - how to be dead
Series: Original - Stockholm Syndrome
Characters/Pairing: Zide, Lucian, implied Lucian/Jonathan
Rating: G
Word Count: 1272
A/N: Another library-written fic. And more importantly, my iPod fell while writing this. D:
Maybe I'm a Lion
31_days, September 8
He knows the matter can't be settled until he finally goes there personally and rains chaos down into the entire Romanov household. It's just that if only his mother is still alive, he might not have to go through this terribly part of the process.
Right from the very start, his unwillingness to take the throne is why he left the Romanov, and why he'd rather stay at London as a no one. Lucian understands-well, that's what he wants to believe, no matter how slight the chances of it are. His elder cousin never stops him though, from moving away to cutting all communications with the family except for his part in the coven. Zide would have called it self-exile yet Lucian makes it a point that he will not stop convincing Zide to come back home.
Home.
That word rings more than just simple nostalgia in him. Unbelievably enough, it makes him yearn for his too spacious home, the mansion's many twists and turns, not to mention all his people who'd willing to give more than just their lives for him.
Honestly, he misses them, those people he calls family. Yet for the sake of the family, for their sake, he left them. And now that he's thinking about it, he guesses it all boils down to one single emotion that despite its size, it can't stop nibbling tiny parts of him until nothing of him remains.
Fear.
He fears, just like any man. Of false dreams, of failures, of betrayal. But most of all, he fears death not by his own hands, but by enemy hands that would gladly desecrate his corpse beyond recognition. He has seen such barbaric act of vengeance and pure hatred, done on his people, and he fears the same, if not the worse, will happen to him if chance permits it. Worse, he can't shake that feeling away either, that feeling that it will happen.
When has all of these turn into this? He doesn't know, and he doubts he wants to know. All he knows is that the only thing he has to do is get away from this, get away from every chances that will let him fail, away from everything that will forfeit his Famiglia, for he knows that once a Famiglia loses its head, the entire empire falls.
"You can't just play dead," Lucian tells him in the middle of a much heated debate (to call it lightly). "If your mother is still alive, what will she thinks about this? About you? You have more than seven thousand men on the edge of the cliff because of your reluctance, and now you're leaving them to fall? This isn't how a Romanov is raised, and definitely not how a Romanov should be!"
"But I don't want to be a Romanov! I don't want this life, I don't want to be a part of this stupid war and everything and damn it! Just let me go!"
"No!"
Their voices have reached beyond the point of raising one's voice higher than the other's. They're now screams, angry cries and frustrated yells. Zide fears that if this keeps going on, he truly might hurt Lucian. Between the two of them, he's the stronger one, and this Lucian knows very well.
He figures that's half the reason why Lucian's been constantly making him wear the crown.
"Don't you dare shame this family, Zachary. This is your family, and you will not let them down. You might as well slap and spat everyone on their face if you're going to leave us."
"Maybe I truly am a shame to the Romanov name," his voice lowered to a level just above whisper, and when Lucian notices this sudden change of tone, he pauses as well. All good things must come to an end, his mother used to say. But why?
"Zachary, don't."
If he hasn't noticed that pleading tone, he might have mistaken it as a threat. So for once, Zide keeps himself from answering back, willing enough to listen to whatever has made Lucian resort to begging.
"The entire family's future rests on this, Zachary, so please. Being a Romanov also means being prepared for self-sacrifice."
"That's not true," he almost says. Instead, he keeps a good leveled stare, his eyes not breaking away from Lucian's.
"I know I should be the one taking your role like all of them wants me to, but I can't, Zachary. You know me."
And that is when Zide finally realizes where Lucian is coming from.
"But you just said it yourself. Being a Romanov also means being ready to sacrifice one's self."
The wry, sardonic smile Lucian gives him is unnerving, and Zide couldn't hide his sudden wince. "That's because I'm no more a Romanov the very moment I faced myself as who I truly am."
"Then you shouldn't be here."
"True, but where will the family be if I'm not and you so unwilling to lead?"
His breath hitches, and Zide knows this has everything to do with that terrible feeling spreading all over his chest again, of that guilt finally rashing down on him.
"I have sacrified my happiness and freedom, Zachary, so I can wait and make you take what is rightfully yours. I promised your mother, Zachary, that I will repent my sins to the family by protecting this family, and now, I am protecting its lineage. Do you understand me, Zachary Romanov?"
Frankly, he has no idea. He understands why Lucian is doing this, but he has no idea why Lucian is still staying to do this.
And then like a boulder suddenly hitting him at the back of his head, Zide gasps and stares at Lucian with wide shocked eyes.
"You..."
Lucian's small understanding smile is enough to make him feel even worse than he truly feels, and when he realizes this, his entire world feels like it has finally collapsed right on him.
"Have you naught wonder why a man like the Jonathan you know now suddenly appears to stay by my side?"
"But I thought..."
"A man of such name exists, but of such beauty?" Lucian laughs lightly, almost amused by the notion. "Doubtful."
"And that kid? That kid from ten years years ago who suddenly appeared out of nowhere looking for the Tang's murdered prince in here, only to find Jonathan?"
Lucian's smile spreads wider.
"That's the Chris Balteisse you now know."
"What," but no words come after for too shocked Zide is that he ends up collapsing on a conveniently placed chair, staring wildly at the man standing in front him. "I'm supposed to be the leader, yet you hide such important facts from me."
"Let it be known, Zachary, that I have no plans of sharing dark secrets like this with a man who's going to abandon his family."
The glare's dark and almost angry, and this zide can't return without being stabbed by his conscience. For all these years, he has held back Lucian's chance of happiness because of his own selfishness.
Heavy realization dawns on him after a long string of silence, of what felt like an hour of nothing but the grandfather's clock tick-tocking the seconds away. Finally, Zide looks away from the far wall to stare at Lucian deeply, who hides nothing from the look.
"Now, do you understand?"
And with a low grumble to himself, Zide nods dejectedly like a child taken back its candy.
"Fine."
The least he can hope for now is that none of this is actually a load of bullshit that Lucian cooks up just to make him give up.
Day/Theme: September 8 - how to be dead
Series: Original - Stockholm Syndrome
Characters/Pairing: Zide, Lucian, implied Lucian/Jonathan
Rating: G
Word Count: 1272
A/N: Another library-written fic. And more importantly, my iPod fell while writing this. D:
Maybe I'm a Lion
31_days, September 8
He knows the matter can't be settled until he finally goes there personally and rains chaos down into the entire Romanov household. It's just that if only his mother is still alive, he might not have to go through this terribly part of the process.
Right from the very start, his unwillingness to take the throne is why he left the Romanov, and why he'd rather stay at London as a no one. Lucian understands-well, that's what he wants to believe, no matter how slight the chances of it are. His elder cousin never stops him though, from moving away to cutting all communications with the family except for his part in the coven. Zide would have called it self-exile yet Lucian makes it a point that he will not stop convincing Zide to come back home.
Home.
That word rings more than just simple nostalgia in him. Unbelievably enough, it makes him yearn for his too spacious home, the mansion's many twists and turns, not to mention all his people who'd willing to give more than just their lives for him.
Honestly, he misses them, those people he calls family. Yet for the sake of the family, for their sake, he left them. And now that he's thinking about it, he guesses it all boils down to one single emotion that despite its size, it can't stop nibbling tiny parts of him until nothing of him remains.
Fear.
He fears, just like any man. Of false dreams, of failures, of betrayal. But most of all, he fears death not by his own hands, but by enemy hands that would gladly desecrate his corpse beyond recognition. He has seen such barbaric act of vengeance and pure hatred, done on his people, and he fears the same, if not the worse, will happen to him if chance permits it. Worse, he can't shake that feeling away either, that feeling that it will happen.
When has all of these turn into this? He doesn't know, and he doubts he wants to know. All he knows is that the only thing he has to do is get away from this, get away from every chances that will let him fail, away from everything that will forfeit his Famiglia, for he knows that once a Famiglia loses its head, the entire empire falls.
"You can't just play dead," Lucian tells him in the middle of a much heated debate (to call it lightly). "If your mother is still alive, what will she thinks about this? About you? You have more than seven thousand men on the edge of the cliff because of your reluctance, and now you're leaving them to fall? This isn't how a Romanov is raised, and definitely not how a Romanov should be!"
"But I don't want to be a Romanov! I don't want this life, I don't want to be a part of this stupid war and everything and damn it! Just let me go!"
"No!"
Their voices have reached beyond the point of raising one's voice higher than the other's. They're now screams, angry cries and frustrated yells. Zide fears that if this keeps going on, he truly might hurt Lucian. Between the two of them, he's the stronger one, and this Lucian knows very well.
He figures that's half the reason why Lucian's been constantly making him wear the crown.
"Don't you dare shame this family, Zachary. This is your family, and you will not let them down. You might as well slap and spat everyone on their face if you're going to leave us."
"Maybe I truly am a shame to the Romanov name," his voice lowered to a level just above whisper, and when Lucian notices this sudden change of tone, he pauses as well. All good things must come to an end, his mother used to say. But why?
"Zachary, don't."
If he hasn't noticed that pleading tone, he might have mistaken it as a threat. So for once, Zide keeps himself from answering back, willing enough to listen to whatever has made Lucian resort to begging.
"The entire family's future rests on this, Zachary, so please. Being a Romanov also means being prepared for self-sacrifice."
"That's not true," he almost says. Instead, he keeps a good leveled stare, his eyes not breaking away from Lucian's.
"I know I should be the one taking your role like all of them wants me to, but I can't, Zachary. You know me."
And that is when Zide finally realizes where Lucian is coming from.
"But you just said it yourself. Being a Romanov also means being ready to sacrifice one's self."
The wry, sardonic smile Lucian gives him is unnerving, and Zide couldn't hide his sudden wince. "That's because I'm no more a Romanov the very moment I faced myself as who I truly am."
"Then you shouldn't be here."
"True, but where will the family be if I'm not and you so unwilling to lead?"
His breath hitches, and Zide knows this has everything to do with that terrible feeling spreading all over his chest again, of that guilt finally rashing down on him.
"I have sacrified my happiness and freedom, Zachary, so I can wait and make you take what is rightfully yours. I promised your mother, Zachary, that I will repent my sins to the family by protecting this family, and now, I am protecting its lineage. Do you understand me, Zachary Romanov?"
Frankly, he has no idea. He understands why Lucian is doing this, but he has no idea why Lucian is still staying to do this.
And then like a boulder suddenly hitting him at the back of his head, Zide gasps and stares at Lucian with wide shocked eyes.
"You..."
Lucian's small understanding smile is enough to make him feel even worse than he truly feels, and when he realizes this, his entire world feels like it has finally collapsed right on him.
"Have you naught wonder why a man like the Jonathan you know now suddenly appears to stay by my side?"
"But I thought..."
"A man of such name exists, but of such beauty?" Lucian laughs lightly, almost amused by the notion. "Doubtful."
"And that kid? That kid from ten years years ago who suddenly appeared out of nowhere looking for the Tang's murdered prince in here, only to find Jonathan?"
Lucian's smile spreads wider.
"That's the Chris Balteisse you now know."
"What," but no words come after for too shocked Zide is that he ends up collapsing on a conveniently placed chair, staring wildly at the man standing in front him. "I'm supposed to be the leader, yet you hide such important facts from me."
"Let it be known, Zachary, that I have no plans of sharing dark secrets like this with a man who's going to abandon his family."
The glare's dark and almost angry, and this zide can't return without being stabbed by his conscience. For all these years, he has held back Lucian's chance of happiness because of his own selfishness.
Heavy realization dawns on him after a long string of silence, of what felt like an hour of nothing but the grandfather's clock tick-tocking the seconds away. Finally, Zide looks away from the far wall to stare at Lucian deeply, who hides nothing from the look.
"Now, do you understand?"
And with a low grumble to himself, Zide nods dejectedly like a child taken back its candy.
"Fine."
The least he can hope for now is that none of this is actually a load of bullshit that Lucian cooks up just to make him give up.