[Rave] Leaving some reasons to be missed
Title: Leaving some reasons to be missed
Fandom: Rave
Characters: Haru, Lucia
Disclaimer: Umi-chii doesn’t own Rave. Mashima-sensei still does. Lyrics are from Leave Out All the Rest, by Linkin Park.
Word count: 1,872
Warning: Songfic, background character death, spoilers for the manga's last arc.
A/N: Another edit for the archiving project to AO3. I'm never fond of songfics, but considering that this is meant to be a songfic, I retain it as such. Also, the literary style used here can be confusing. I apologize for that, but please understand that it is intended to be confusing given the context of this fic.
Leaving some reasons to be missed
‘I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared.
But no one would listen, 'cause no one else cared.’
The rain outside beats down hard on their window. Staring blankly at it, Haru contemplates on going out and getting himself drenched. The soft snoring of his wife is peaceful in rhythm, yet he cannot find the need inside to sleep. There is this incessant tugging somewhere in his chest as if telling him to go outside and just… stay there.
He sighs. Decision made, Haru leaves their bedroom and out of the house, clad only in a simple white shirt and sweatpants. He doubts he’ll be able to get any sleep tonight.
‘After my dreaming, I woke with this fear
What am I leaving when I’m done here…?’
The raindrops are cold. They numb the nerves in his skin, but he stays underneath the pelting shower, letting the coldness seep into his bones. He cannot hear anything beside the sound of pouring rain, his vision nothing but black. It feels like the world has stopped and nothing else remained. Not like a nightmare, no. A good portion of his life was a nightmare, for crying out loud. There are a few things that can scare him now. A war can do that to a person if he’s stuck in it long enough to be numbed by it, just as he is numbed by the rain right now.
But there is still a strong pull inside of him, tugging the strings of his heart until he cannot ignore it anymore. it is there, pulling and pushing him from the dark recesses of his mind, throwing objects and shouting for attention. It is unbelievable how despite the end of their journey a part of him that he barely knows still yearns for an adventure. The years passed slowly and calmly, their life reverting back to a dull, working drone. Nothing exciting has happened. Nothing worth mentioning has occurred. It is like his old life again, before there was Rave and Dark Brings and Demon Card- before he learnt the meaning of fighting for freedom and peace and god, he can feel it now, that tugging in his chest, that pull of something indefinable.
It’s about damn time, too. He has been waiting, waiting for that ability to cry come back to him, waiting to be able to feel hot tears springing in his eyes and to wash away the cold raindrops in his cheeks.
He looks up at the dark, gloomy sky and prays silently for forgiveness, because he is weak, because he hides these tears as nothing else but remnants of the rain.
‘Don’t resent me and when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory and leave out all the rest.’
If he knew, if he saw such acts of cowardice from him, Haru wouldn’t expect him to feel anger towards him. He won’t hide the fact that he knew such emotion will be directed at him. Not that he minds, because it’s just right for him to feel it as well even if there is no more body around to be able to feel. Then again, Haru knows that he will never forgive him for showing such a weak character. Everyone can have their weakness, but a warrior never shows his weakness. This much Haru has learned by being the strong one.
He wanted to leave the happy memories behind, not the ones where they argued with each other, when one left the other’s side due to anger, betrayal…
But Haru knows. He knows everything right from the very beginning. He knows that once he is gone, everyone will mourn for him and for a moment then the world will stop revolving and everyone will be saying their piece about him. But he also knows that once he is gone, the world will move on like nothing of significance happened. No one mourns for the wicked, they say. Haru can never understand why though. Did he not worth as much as Haru does? They are the halves of a whole. Without him, there is no Haru, and without Haru, there is no him. Without insanity, there is no sanity. Without darkness, there is no light. So why can’t they celebrate him?
‘Don’t be afraid, I’ve taken my beating.
I’ve shared what I made.
I’m strong on the surface, but not all the way through.
I’ve never been perfect, but neither have you.’
He can still remember staring into those peaceful eyes as they arrive on the verge of death. He can still remember them clearly in his mind’s sight that up till now Haru cannot fathom how he did it, how he kept calm when they are both about to die.
Perhaps it is the knowledge that they are finally going to a place where everything can be redeemed, where everything can be forgiven because they have finally fulfilled what they are born to do. But he was left behind. He was left here in the living realm while he went on to the next, grinning and laughing and smiling, because he knew that this world, this very world that he is now stuck in, will crumble into a pile of dust without its hero. He knew this much even though it meant moving on alone, to a foreign place with no assurance of coming back, and he would be alone again like he always was. And somehow, Haru cannot find it in his heart to forgive him- no, either of them, for leaving each other in his own solitude. He cannot forgive him for going out there only to be alone again, and he cannot forgive himself for leaving him out there alone again.
He tries to compensate for his action, tries to seek penance, tries to drown in hopes of forgiveness, but no matter how hard he tries, nothing happens. Even the mere act of lifting both hands up to the sky, as if praying for salvation, is impossible. He has no more strength in him to raise a fist. He has lost his worth and all of the reasons granted to him.
‘So if you’re asking me I want you to know
When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done.
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed.’
But in the end, there is a fickle light inside of him telling him to forget everything and just leave it to the world to decide. He remembers asking him once what he would do if they came out of the Void alive. He remembers his companion saying nothing, the silence enough for a response. It wasn’t until for what felt like another hour when he received his answer.
“I want to forget everything.”
Haru remembers the calm look his partner in fate wore that moment. He remembers that despite the other’s efforts, everything was just a façade and deep down, he was afraid. Neither thought it possible to find a friend that can be trusted after all these years of battle, that there is a part within them that cannot be ignored anymore. As much as he wants to believe that no one else in this world but Haru is worth the bother, there is still that lingering desire to be forgiven not just by one important person but by everybody else. A father’s forgiveness, in fact. That much Haru can tell.
In the end, it is these shared moments of loneliness and desperate hope that keeps Haru from forgetting him, from forgetting their moments in the void. It keeps the nightmares at bay yet the dreams from appearing. After all, does not do well to have false hope even in times of peace and happiness when one’s heart is still filled with darkness.
But most importantly, it reminds him of both the good and the bad, and when he reminisces the past, most particularly those moments spent in a world of nothing, Haru finds the few reasons why his rival and friend can be worth so much more, so much that even the world cannot equal itself to the feeling that he felt for him. It is as if he is all that matters now and there is nothing and no one that can make Haru break the vow he made in that horizonless world. He feels that knowing that the other can feel such emotions in such a short time in a sad place gives him the reason to be missed.
And truthfully, Haru misses him.
‘Forgetting, all the hurt inside you learned to hide so well
Pretending, someone else can come and save me from myself.
I can’t be who you are.’
Though he wasn’t able to grasp that hand, couldn’t even grab hold of at least a piece of the broken shards of his soul, Haru knows that once he is past placing the blame, there is not much that can be done. It is not his fault that he couldn’t stand beside him in the war. It’s not his fault that he cannot comfort Haru when Haru lost that one person he loved the most. And it is definitely not his fault when Haru cannot control himself and just- finally- breaks down and collapses with all the tears making a mess out of them.
He tried to comfort him like no one else can. He ignored the sobs Haru made when they were stuck in that sad, empty place, because he knew that if any words of consolation were said, it would humiliate Haru and Haru’s pride could not handle the pressure then. So when Haru felt a bony arm thrown over his shoulder and crushing him into an almost skeletal chest, Haru held on to the offered comfort and leaned against those thin shoulders to cry on. It was all he did, because Haru knew that if he tried to forget all the pain he had caused in the past- the pain that they had caused each other, he can pretend that he is no one special. He can’t be a hero like Haru. He cannot give hope and happiness to those who lost it, to those who always lived with it and kept it close to themselves, because he himself didn’t have either anymore.
Haru had the feeling that he didn’t want to be anyone special in Haru’s life; perhaps just a passing shadow in his ordinary, post-war life. Haru honestly does not know.
However, he knows that having all these thoughts about and from him are not healthy, not when it disables him to feel anything else but remorse and happiness at the same time. He is guilty for what he allowed the other to degrade himself. He is happy because he bothered to care about him. All these mixed emotions pooled inside of him, and when the rain came, Haru is glad that at least he is also crying up in the sky with him, his tears helping him wash away all these emotions.
In the end, Haru realizes that it is not him who has been helping the other, but it is Lucia who has been helping him cope with the harsh world, even after death.
END
Fandom: Rave
Characters: Haru, Lucia
Disclaimer: Umi-chii doesn’t own Rave. Mashima-sensei still does. Lyrics are from Leave Out All the Rest, by Linkin Park.
Word count: 1,872
Warning: Songfic, background character death, spoilers for the manga's last arc.
A/N: Another edit for the archiving project to AO3. I'm never fond of songfics, but considering that this is meant to be a songfic, I retain it as such. Also, the literary style used here can be confusing. I apologize for that, but please understand that it is intended to be confusing given the context of this fic.
Leaving some reasons to be missed
‘I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared.
But no one would listen, 'cause no one else cared.’
The rain outside beats down hard on their window. Staring blankly at it, Haru contemplates on going out and getting himself drenched. The soft snoring of his wife is peaceful in rhythm, yet he cannot find the need inside to sleep. There is this incessant tugging somewhere in his chest as if telling him to go outside and just… stay there.
He sighs. Decision made, Haru leaves their bedroom and out of the house, clad only in a simple white shirt and sweatpants. He doubts he’ll be able to get any sleep tonight.
‘After my dreaming, I woke with this fear
What am I leaving when I’m done here…?’
The raindrops are cold. They numb the nerves in his skin, but he stays underneath the pelting shower, letting the coldness seep into his bones. He cannot hear anything beside the sound of pouring rain, his vision nothing but black. It feels like the world has stopped and nothing else remained. Not like a nightmare, no. A good portion of his life was a nightmare, for crying out loud. There are a few things that can scare him now. A war can do that to a person if he’s stuck in it long enough to be numbed by it, just as he is numbed by the rain right now.
But there is still a strong pull inside of him, tugging the strings of his heart until he cannot ignore it anymore. it is there, pulling and pushing him from the dark recesses of his mind, throwing objects and shouting for attention. It is unbelievable how despite the end of their journey a part of him that he barely knows still yearns for an adventure. The years passed slowly and calmly, their life reverting back to a dull, working drone. Nothing exciting has happened. Nothing worth mentioning has occurred. It is like his old life again, before there was Rave and Dark Brings and Demon Card- before he learnt the meaning of fighting for freedom and peace and god, he can feel it now, that tugging in his chest, that pull of something indefinable.
It’s about damn time, too. He has been waiting, waiting for that ability to cry come back to him, waiting to be able to feel hot tears springing in his eyes and to wash away the cold raindrops in his cheeks.
He looks up at the dark, gloomy sky and prays silently for forgiveness, because he is weak, because he hides these tears as nothing else but remnants of the rain.
‘Don’t resent me and when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory and leave out all the rest.’
If he knew, if he saw such acts of cowardice from him, Haru wouldn’t expect him to feel anger towards him. He won’t hide the fact that he knew such emotion will be directed at him. Not that he minds, because it’s just right for him to feel it as well even if there is no more body around to be able to feel. Then again, Haru knows that he will never forgive him for showing such a weak character. Everyone can have their weakness, but a warrior never shows his weakness. This much Haru has learned by being the strong one.
He wanted to leave the happy memories behind, not the ones where they argued with each other, when one left the other’s side due to anger, betrayal…
But Haru knows. He knows everything right from the very beginning. He knows that once he is gone, everyone will mourn for him and for a moment then the world will stop revolving and everyone will be saying their piece about him. But he also knows that once he is gone, the world will move on like nothing of significance happened. No one mourns for the wicked, they say. Haru can never understand why though. Did he not worth as much as Haru does? They are the halves of a whole. Without him, there is no Haru, and without Haru, there is no him. Without insanity, there is no sanity. Without darkness, there is no light. So why can’t they celebrate him?
‘Don’t be afraid, I’ve taken my beating.
I’ve shared what I made.
I’m strong on the surface, but not all the way through.
I’ve never been perfect, but neither have you.’
He can still remember staring into those peaceful eyes as they arrive on the verge of death. He can still remember them clearly in his mind’s sight that up till now Haru cannot fathom how he did it, how he kept calm when they are both about to die.
Perhaps it is the knowledge that they are finally going to a place where everything can be redeemed, where everything can be forgiven because they have finally fulfilled what they are born to do. But he was left behind. He was left here in the living realm while he went on to the next, grinning and laughing and smiling, because he knew that this world, this very world that he is now stuck in, will crumble into a pile of dust without its hero. He knew this much even though it meant moving on alone, to a foreign place with no assurance of coming back, and he would be alone again like he always was. And somehow, Haru cannot find it in his heart to forgive him- no, either of them, for leaving each other in his own solitude. He cannot forgive him for going out there only to be alone again, and he cannot forgive himself for leaving him out there alone again.
He tries to compensate for his action, tries to seek penance, tries to drown in hopes of forgiveness, but no matter how hard he tries, nothing happens. Even the mere act of lifting both hands up to the sky, as if praying for salvation, is impossible. He has no more strength in him to raise a fist. He has lost his worth and all of the reasons granted to him.
‘So if you’re asking me I want you to know
When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done.
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed.’
But in the end, there is a fickle light inside of him telling him to forget everything and just leave it to the world to decide. He remembers asking him once what he would do if they came out of the Void alive. He remembers his companion saying nothing, the silence enough for a response. It wasn’t until for what felt like another hour when he received his answer.
“I want to forget everything.”
Haru remembers the calm look his partner in fate wore that moment. He remembers that despite the other’s efforts, everything was just a façade and deep down, he was afraid. Neither thought it possible to find a friend that can be trusted after all these years of battle, that there is a part within them that cannot be ignored anymore. As much as he wants to believe that no one else in this world but Haru is worth the bother, there is still that lingering desire to be forgiven not just by one important person but by everybody else. A father’s forgiveness, in fact. That much Haru can tell.
In the end, it is these shared moments of loneliness and desperate hope that keeps Haru from forgetting him, from forgetting their moments in the void. It keeps the nightmares at bay yet the dreams from appearing. After all, does not do well to have false hope even in times of peace and happiness when one’s heart is still filled with darkness.
But most importantly, it reminds him of both the good and the bad, and when he reminisces the past, most particularly those moments spent in a world of nothing, Haru finds the few reasons why his rival and friend can be worth so much more, so much that even the world cannot equal itself to the feeling that he felt for him. It is as if he is all that matters now and there is nothing and no one that can make Haru break the vow he made in that horizonless world. He feels that knowing that the other can feel such emotions in such a short time in a sad place gives him the reason to be missed.
And truthfully, Haru misses him.
‘Forgetting, all the hurt inside you learned to hide so well
Pretending, someone else can come and save me from myself.
I can’t be who you are.’
Though he wasn’t able to grasp that hand, couldn’t even grab hold of at least a piece of the broken shards of his soul, Haru knows that once he is past placing the blame, there is not much that can be done. It is not his fault that he couldn’t stand beside him in the war. It’s not his fault that he cannot comfort Haru when Haru lost that one person he loved the most. And it is definitely not his fault when Haru cannot control himself and just- finally- breaks down and collapses with all the tears making a mess out of them.
He tried to comfort him like no one else can. He ignored the sobs Haru made when they were stuck in that sad, empty place, because he knew that if any words of consolation were said, it would humiliate Haru and Haru’s pride could not handle the pressure then. So when Haru felt a bony arm thrown over his shoulder and crushing him into an almost skeletal chest, Haru held on to the offered comfort and leaned against those thin shoulders to cry on. It was all he did, because Haru knew that if he tried to forget all the pain he had caused in the past- the pain that they had caused each other, he can pretend that he is no one special. He can’t be a hero like Haru. He cannot give hope and happiness to those who lost it, to those who always lived with it and kept it close to themselves, because he himself didn’t have either anymore.
Haru had the feeling that he didn’t want to be anyone special in Haru’s life; perhaps just a passing shadow in his ordinary, post-war life. Haru honestly does not know.
However, he knows that having all these thoughts about and from him are not healthy, not when it disables him to feel anything else but remorse and happiness at the same time. He is guilty for what he allowed the other to degrade himself. He is happy because he bothered to care about him. All these mixed emotions pooled inside of him, and when the rain came, Haru is glad that at least he is also crying up in the sky with him, his tears helping him wash away all these emotions.
In the end, Haru realizes that it is not him who has been helping the other, but it is Lucia who has been helping him cope with the harsh world, even after death.
END