better put your fingers back to the keys (part 2/2)
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Fuck. Fucking fuck. Namjoon's head has never hurt this much before in his life. It's like there's a giant energizer bunny in his brain smashing cymbals together, and he wants it out.
"Get up," Yoongi snaps, pulling at his bedsheets. "Everyone else is already eating breakfast."
"I'm going to die," he complains, rolling over. Yoongi pulls the sheets clean off, and Namjoon shivers, automatically curling into a ball. "My head hurts so much."
"That's what you get for drinking so much you black out," Yoongi says, and Namjoon has to pause for a bit and think about whether he sounds angry or not.
"What happened last night?"
Yoongi glares at him. "How the fuck would I know? Seokjin came in carrying you. Apparently you passed out against the car."
"Are you mad?"
Yoongi raises an eyebrow. "Why would I be mad?"
"I don't know, we were being reckless?"
Yoongi snorts. "At least the alcohol didn't kill all your brain cells. And your brain to mouth filter doesn't work very well in the morning. But no, I'm not mad, but if what I heard last night was accurate, you and Seokjin have some catching up. Do you remember what happened?"
Namjoon tries to think. He remembers getting into the club, taking shots, dancing with Seokjin, then stumbling out of the club. There was... oh god, there was kissing, he knows that, then they were at the car, but he doesn't remember how they got there and-- Oh god. "What did you hear last night?"
Yoongi actually flushes. "Something about leaving Seokjin hard," he mumbles. "Then he went to the bathroom, and I put my earbuds in."
Namjoon wants to roll off this bed and out the building and never come back. Fuck.
"On a one to ten," Yoongi calmly says, "how much do you think you fucked up your relationship with Seokjin?"
"Fifteen," Namjoon mumbles. "I guess there's nothing I can do about it now. How much do you think hyung remembers?"
"Do I look like Seokjin to you? Go talk it out with him, I'm fucking hungry. Hurry up and let's go."
On second thought, Yoongi’s probably just angry he’s the only barrier between him and food right now. Namjoon sighs and makes his way to the shower. "Give me ten minutes."
Breakfast is quiet.
Taehyung and Jungkook snicker when Namjoon takes a seat next to Hoseok, and Seokjin doesn't look up once from where he's seated on the other end of the table.
"You look like your hamster just died again," Hoseok says. "Except maybe this time a hamster you actually care about?"
Namjoon glares. "Is that a euphemism or a codename or something?"
"No, but I think you just made it one," Hoseok replies cheerfully, and Seokjin pauses from where he's drinking water, cup hovering precariously in limbo.
Namjoon makes the mistake of looking over, and their eyes lock for a split second before Seokjin tips the glass back and stares up at the ceiling until there's nothing left. He doesn't watch his adam's apple move or anything.
"So who wants to hear about the super hot girl I met yesterday?" Yoongi asks in the least interesting voice he can manage.
"No one," Seokjin snaps, and Jimin and Namjoon share a glance. The table is silent, and Namjoon tries to hold back his forgone sigh to the best of his abilities and gives up, opting to stare at his plate instead. Taehyung slides half of his uneaten pancake onto it and gives him a halfhearted smile.
"Right," Yoongi says, turning his head to glare at Namjoon, "so I'm going to tell everyone about the super hot girl I met yesterday."
Namjoon, albeit thankful for the distraction Yoongi is trying oh-so-hard to give, tunes him out and spends most of breakfast cutting the pancake into smaller sizes rather than eating it.
u went 2 a club?!?! without me?!?!, Namjoon's phone reads. He glares at Hoseok.
u'd be embarassing no1 wants 2 go wit u.
rude. at least i wudnt fuk shit up wit hyung.
"Just for that I'm riding shotgun again," he says, and Hoseok groans but doesn't argue. "Yoongi should be glad I'm up here, since we listen to the same shit."
The door to the driver's seat opens, and the blood in Namjoon runs dry as Seokjin climbs in.
"What was that about listening to the same shit?" Yoongi asks, and Namjoon looks in the rear view mirror to get a glimpse of his cocky smirk and inappropriate gesture.
"Wow," Hoseok calls from behind Seokjin, "I can't wait for another three hours of Seokjin driving."
"My driving is not that bad," Seokjin whines, pouting, and Namjoon is almost completely convinced he doesn't know what they really mean.
"Is it safe to have someone with a hangover driving?" Namjoon asks, and ignores the fact his own head is rattling in his skull.
"I didn't black out last night," Seokjin says coldly. "I'm fine."
Namjoon turns back to mouth you're dead at Hoseok as Seokjin starts the engine.
The scenery is really ugly.
Namjoon remembers his parents always telling him to look outside the window when he was bored, because nature is beautiful and they should take the time out of their lives to appreciate it, but all he sees here is grey skies and muddy roads.
It rained half an hour after they left Yongin, and even though Seokjin's phone tells them they're still two hours away from Busan, he doesn't see any beaches in sight. Maybe that's a good thing, because muddy beaches don't sound like an ideal vacation.
In the back, Yoongi is listening to his ipod, Hoseok and Jungkook are sprawled on top of each other, asleep, and Jimin and Taehyung are in the far back talking quietly amongst themselves.
He should probably say something. Seokjin seems pretty concentrated on the road, leaning forward every now and then to squint through the fog. What should he talk about, anyway? Are we still good? sounds kind of weird. Hey, I know we got piss drunk last night and made out, but can we just sorta forget that happened? Cool. He opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens it again. Closes.
"Do you have anything to tell me?" Seokjin asks, "Or are you going to keep making faces in my direction?"
"I don't know what to say," Namjoon admits. "Do you?"
Seokjin doesn't say anything, and for a long time, the only sound in the car is the blaring of some English rock song.
"No," Seokjin says. "I don't either."
They make a pit stop so Seokjin can rest while Hoseok takes over driving. Taehyung and Jimin buy much more snacks than is necessary, and Namjoon spends the next hour painfully craning his neck back to grab whatever bag of chips they decide to give him.
"Look how nice the weather is here," Seokjin says happily. "The beach is gonna be so nice."
"Yoongi hyung will finally not blend in with the car," Hoseok calls from the driver's seat.
Yoongi snorts in the background, hands coming into Namjoon's lap to grab a chocopie. "I'm going to turn as red a lobster. I burn, not tan."
"Don't you wish you had that girl's number so she could rub sunblock on your back?" Seokjin asks.
"I do have her number," Yoongi snaps, but his eyes are bright, and he even grabs his phone and taps on the screen mindlessly. "Sorry you have no one to rub sunblock onto your back, hyung."
"Jungkookie would do it for me, right?" Seokjin asks, and even though Namjoon can't see his face from the front, Taehyung and Jimin's laughter is enough to tell him what his facial expression is right now.
"Get Namjoon hyung to do it, I don't want to touch your back."
"What?" Namjoon asks, turning in his chair. The seatbelt is digging into his shoulder uncomfortably from this angle. "Why would I do that?"
Taehyung shrugs. "Major 'we-should-touch-dicks' vibes, or something," and ignores everyone's what?
"How did you even go from sunblock to touching dicks?" Namjoon snaps, trying his best to laugh and pass it off, but his face is flushing, so he turns back to face the front, and manages to get a glimpse of Seokjin's face. His lips are set in a thin line, the way it usually gets when he's peeved and doesn't want to show it, but not outright angry.
"Sunblock looks like lube?" Jungkook asks.
Jimin groans. "Why do you know so much about this kind of stuff?"
Jungkook pauses, then turns towards the window. "Wow, look, you can see the ocean!"
Namjoon takes any distraction he can get. "Are we almost there yet?" he asks, turning to Seokjin.
"No," he answers curtly, breaking a little too hard when a car cuts in front of them. He curses under his breath angrily.
Well, Namjoon thinks. He should have definitely let someone else sit shotgun.
The next hour passes with Taehyung and Jimin singing along to every Girl's Day and VIXX song that plays on the radio. Seokjin is eerily quiet, and Namjoon tries to pretend that doesn't bother him.
"We're in Busan!" Jimin yells, and Hoseok's falls from where he's leaning against the door.
"What?" he asks blearily, finally waking up.
"Busan!" Jimin repeats excitedly.
"Jungkook," Seokjin calls, "do you know the directions to your uncle's house?"
"Do you wanna trade places?" Namjoon asks, hopeful. Jungkook should sit in the front if he's going to give directions, right?
Jungkook ignores him. "Make a left at the traffic light!" he yells.
Namjoon slumps down in his seat.
"Land!" Hoseok cries as they step out of the car. "Beautiful, glorious land. Let's not do road trips anymore."
"We still have to go back to Seoul," Yoongi says.
"No," Hoseok whines. "I'm going to just stay here and dig me a home in the sand."
Yoongi pats him in the head and grabs his backpack out of the trunk. "Okay."
"Do you want me to grab your stuff?" Namjoon asks Seokjin, out of politeness. "Since you drove and all."
Seokjin looks at him curiously, like he's a puzzle that hasn't been quite finished yet. It makes Namjoon's face burn, unpleasant and restless. "Sure," he finally says.
"Okay," Namjoon mumbles, climbing out of the car. The sound of the door shutting behind him feels much farther away from him than it should, and the floor seems much more below his feet than it actually is. Seokjin's stare feels like it's thrown him off of balance, only half in his body. He's pretty sure the brown Airpack backpack is Seokjin's, but just in case. "That one's Seokjin's, right?" he asks.
"Yeah," Taehyung says, dragging his own back out of the car. "Why?"
"No reason," Namjoon replies, grabbing it and his own.
"Dude," Jimin gapes as he toes his shoes off in the foyer, "this house is loaded."
Jungkook beams at them. "It's a new house; my uncle started a publishing company. He said he's not home right now, so just follow me to the guest rooms."
The house feels kind of lonely for one person, Namjoon thinks as they walk up the stairs. Their footsteps echo off the white tiles, empty and hollow.
"Those are the two rooms," Jungkook says, pointing to the end of the hallway. "Pick one."
Namjoon enters the first room and tosses their stuff onto the floor. Yoongi walks in behind him and collapses on the bed, groaning. "Goodnight," he says into the blanket.
"I'm joining hyung," Namjoon says, and flops down next to Yoongi.
He hears voices from outside, voices that vaguely sound like Jimin and someone else.
The door opens. "I'm tired, Jiminnie. I've been driving." It's Seokjin.
"Imagine the beach at sunset!" Jimin whines. "Taehyung and Hoseok are coming too."
Seokjin is quiet for a moment, and Namjoon can practically feel him staring at his back.
"Fine," Seokjin says. "I'll come. But I'm not going in the ocean."
The room shuts behind them, and Namjoon lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "I'm screwed, aren't I, hyung?" Silence. "Hyung?"
Yoongi snores.
He dreams.
Namjoon dreams of Seokjin, fingers digging into the collar of his shirt. He's pretty sure this is Seokjin's room, even though it looks nothing like it. It's much bigger, and much more purple, and Seokjin whines as Namjoon grips his ass, rutting against his stomach.
"Namjoon," he whines, turning his head into Namjoon's shoulder, "Namjoon, please, just let me come."
Namjoon's never touched another guy before, but everything about Seokjin seems familiar, from the way he smells, comfortable, the way his fingers trail scorch marks down his torso, and to the way he moans, desperate and wanting. It shouldn't feel familiar at all, but something about the way it's Seokjin just makes him feel entirely like he belongs. "Okay," he says, "Come for me."
Seokjin comes in his pants as Namjoon presses their lips together.
He knows, somewhere in the back of his mind, that this has happened before, but this feels unfamiliar - Seokjin's lips, chapped, and unforgiving as they tug at his own, but he can't bring himself to think of why.
And then there's a hand sliding down his pants, and Namjoon opens his eyes.
The lights are off, and the moon shines outside the window. He can see the stars, twinkling much brighter than they do in Seoul.
There's a balcony. There would be, Namjoon thinks to himself as he slides the door open. The cold ocean breeze blows in, sending the curtains flying.
This scenery is not so bad. It's a full moon, and the moonlight shimmers across the water. "You okay?" someone asks, and Namjoon jumps, banging his head on the top of the door frame. It's Taehyung.
"No," Namjoon grumbles, rubbing his head. "I mean, yes. My head - no."
Taehyung laughs, stretching out in the chair he's lying on, legs dangling off the arm. "You're very open when you're tired, hyung."
Namjoon doesn't reply to that. "Aren't you freezing? Why are you awake now?"
Taehyung shrugs. "I'm not tired. You, hyung?"
"Just woke up," Namjoon says, "don't want to go back to sleep. Thinking, and stuff."
"Thinking about?"
"Nothing important," Namjoon mumbles, crossing his arms. It really is cold; Taehyung's only wearing a tanktop and shorts.
"Seokjin hyung isn't anything important?" Taehyung asks. Namjoon frowns. He's pretty sure they weren't that obvious. Then again, Taehyung has always had that four-dimensional sort of knowledge, seeing things that no one else can. "No," Taehyung says, as if reading Namjoon's thoughts, "it was pretty obvious. Everyone knows."
Namjoon takes it all back. Taehyung just sucks. "What time is it?" he asks, intent on changing the topic. He's not going to talk about this with Taehyung. Or anyone.
"Around six thirty," Taehyung says. "The sun's gonna come up in half an hour. Want to watch the sunrise?"
Namjoon turns around to look back into the room. Through the glass, he can see Seokjin sleeping on the floor, arms sprawled over an empty space next to him, where Taehyung was probably lying. "Sure," Namjoon says.
He takes the other chair and leans back so the front legs lift off the ground and his head rests against the door. "So what happened between you two?" Taehyung asks.
Namjoon groans. "I'm going to go back inside," he threatens, hopes he sounds threatening, but Taehyung just laughs.
"You should take my place with Seokjin hyung. See what happens in the morning."
"That's evil," Namjoon says, but he's laughing at the image of Seokjin wide eyed and panicking. But also he kind of really likes the idea of being curled up with Seokjin and watching him wake up tired and droopy-eyed. Shit, now he's not going to be able to get this image out of his head. Taehyung is definitely evil, Namjoon confirms.
"It'll freak him out," Taehyung replies, grinning.
Namjoon laughs, stretching his arms out over his head. Now that he's out in Busan, right by the sea, he realizes that he really should have packed more sweaters. Or even a hoodie.
The sky is a faded blue, moon almost completely out of sight. Comfortable silence drifts over Taehyung and him, something Namjoon is incredibly thankful for. He thinks about the other guys, the ones that aren't graduating. They're still going to be with him. They're not breaking up, Seokjin's voice echoes in his head, they're just testing limits.
They should really talk it out, Namjoon sighs. Or else it's going to keep being awkward and then Seokjin will graduate and they'll still be awkward but then they'll drift apart and it'll be even more awkward and they might not even remember each other's names and crap Namjoon really, really doesn't want that.
Logically, Namjoon knows that's all ridiculous. But still, he's afraid of losing one of his best friends slash crush and that just really sucks.
"You look like you've seen a ghost," Taehyung says.
"I am the ghost," Namjoon frowns. "No, Seokjin hyung is. No, I am."
"No one's a ghost," Taehyung states, cutting him off. "Talk it out. It's not that bad."
"Do you know what happened?"
Taehyung grins at him. "Nope," he replies, and Namjoon can't tell if he's lying or not. He hates that he can't read Taehyung the way he can read Seokjin.
"It's pretty bad," Namjoon mumbles, just as the sun starts to trickle out of the water. It comes up from the right side, over the water, as the moon fades completely out of view, behind a cloud.
"It's not," Taehyung counters, then pauses. "Oops," he mumbles, in the least apologetic way. "Wow, look at the time, I should sleep."
"No, you should stay here and explain," Namjoon snaps, but Taehyung's already out of his chair and closing the balcony door behind him as he walks back into the room.
He's about to get up and follow Taehyung, but there's another figure who's up as well, except Namjoon can't see who it is because of the glare on the window, but he has a pretty bad feeling of who it could be.
He's right. Seokjin opens the glass door, rubbing at his eyes, bottom lip jutted out in a pout, and god dammit, Namjoon wants to kiss him, and there's already a billion reasons for why he shouldn't.
"Hi," he says, and Seokjin jumps, hand banging on the glass.
"Ow," he hisses, "fuck." Then he turns to Namjoon and his eyes widen. "Hi," he mumbles sheepishly.
This is it, Namjoon thinks. Just go for it. "Want to watch the sun rise?" he asks. "It's much more pretty than a sunset, trust me."
Seokjin stares at him blankly, wrapping his cardigan around him. At least someone brought warm clothes.
Quietly, he takes Taehyung's seat and looks out across the water, eyes brightening at the view.
The sun is still slowly climbing into the sky, but there are few shades of red and purple and orange reflecting off of the clouds.
This would be the perfect confession spot, Namjoon suddenly thinks. It hits him in a wave, suddenly thrown over by all these feelings and the idea that he could literally just turn to Seokjin right now, right now, and confess something horribly awful like "You know what's more beautiful than this sunset? You," or maybe just, "I kind of really like you." Something, anything.
He doesn't.
They watch the rest of the sun come out from behind the ocean silently, until it starts to reach it's throne in the sky, and Seokjin mumbles, "It's too bright now. I'm going inside."
"I'm coming too," Namjoon says. "I'm really tired."
"Okay," Seokjin replies, indifferent, and it freezes Namjoon in his place. He watches blankly as Seokjin gets up and slides the door open, trudging back into the room and falling onto the bed next to Yoongi, where Namjoon was sleeping before.
They really need to talk.
Namjoon tries not to look too dejected as he takes Seokjin's spot on the floor, staring at Taehyung's empty spot.
He wakes up six hours later, groaning as his cellphone rings. "Hello?" he mumbles.
"It's Jimin. Do you know how long you've been sleeping for, hyung? It's 1PM already! We're down on the beach."
"Coming," Namjoon groans.
The room is completely empty, save for a lump on the bed, which is probably Yoongi, Namjoon thinks as he takes his stuff out of his bag and heads to the bathroom. Yoongi always sleeps in late, even later than all of them combined.
Namjoon should've know better.
In his defense, usually he's right. Yoongi's always sleeping. But this time, Namjoon stumbles into Seokjin waking up as he towels his hair dry from the shower he took.
It's the second time he's seen Seokjin wake up today, and it's twice as powerful. Seokjin sits up on the bed, staring blankly at the floor, then looks up when he hears Namjoon stepping into the room, eyes hooded and lazy.
"Hey," Namjoon says, giving a small smile, and Seokjin gives him a sleepy smile back that makes Namjoon's heart beat harder, faster, and he looks away, just in case he's blushing.
"Hey," Seokjin repies, running a hand through his hair. "What time is it?"
"One thirty-ish," Namjoon guesstimates.
"Okay," Seokjin says, then looks Namjoon up and down. "Why would you take a shower when we're going to go to the beach?"
Namjoon shrugs. "I feel gross from the car ride."
Seokjin nods slowly, lethargy still clouding his thoughts. But, all in all, it doesn't seem that bad, Namjoon thinks. He should probably leave before it gets awkward.
"Can we talk?" Seokjin asks, except he yawns, so it sounds more like Can we taaaa--lk? "Sorry."
Namjoon should've known better.
"Sure," he mumbles, sitting on the edge of the bed, towel dropping to his lap. "Talking is-- yeah. We should really talk."
Namjoon doesn't know if it's because he just woke up, but Seokjin is incredibly blunt as he says, "So we got drunk and made out and you might or might not have come in your pants."
Namjoon blinks. He doesn't remember that last part. "I what?"
Seokjin shrugs, looking a little more awake. "Give or take. My memory isn't the best, either."
"Oh," Namjoon frowns. "Well. Yeah, okay. I guess it happened, then."
And then they're silent.
Well, the first step to fixing a problem is to recognize it, and maybe this is them, sitting together silently on this bed with Namjoon's wet hair and Seokjin's sleepy eyes as they bask in their mistakes together. Recognizing.
"Do you regret it?" Seokjin asks suddenly, looking up at Namjoon with these eyes, these eyes with some emotion Namjoon can't describe, almost like hope, but not quite there, almost like hostility and suspicion, but not quite there yet.
"I--"
"Because I don't, honestly," Seokjin says.
"You what?" Namjoon asks.
Now Seokjin's blushing. This is a first. "I'm trying to get this all out of the way as soon as possible," Seokjin says, "because I don't like this avoiding each other and being awkward and kind of hateful towards each other thing. So just. I like you. I've liked you for a while, and looking at it now I've realized it kind of looks like I tried to get you drunk so I could kiss you, but I promise you it wasn't that at all. What happened just kind of... happened. But I liked it."
Namjoon doesn't know what to say. He hadn't even considered the idea of Seokjin trying to get him drunk, because he'd wanted so badly, wanted to kiss Seokjin so badly, long before the club and this road trip and Seokjin's graduation. And-- wow. Seokjin wanted to kiss him back? Wants to kiss him back?
"Me too," Namjoon replies. "I also-- I like you a lot. I don't like you leaving me to go to college, which is why I've been distant. But I like you, and I also really... enjoyed that night, to be honest."
The stare after is the most uncomfortable part, because Namjoon doesn't know what he should be doing, and Seokjin doesn't look like he knows either.
"So," Namjoon says carefully, "Is this the part where I ask you to be my boyfriend?"
Seokjin is still silent.
"Never mind then," Namjoon mumbles. "I take it back."
"No," Seokjin half shouts, eyes wide. "I was just surprised. I'm, yes. Yes, I would. That'd be nice. And stuff."
"Alright," Namjoon says, and they look at each other. He still doesn't know what to do. "So, uh. Cool. I guess. Something."
"Can I kiss you again?" Seokjin blurts.
Namjoon laughs this time. "Yeah, I. Yes."
"I can't believe all it took them was a stupid five minute chat," Jungkook groans.
"Don't be stupid like your hyungs," Yoongi says with a long sigh, turning the umbrella so the shade falls on him. "Don't do PDA either, because that's gross. Someone make them stop."
"Hyung," Jungkook whines. "We're going to have to deal with this all the way back to Seoul."
"Fuck."
"You're going to text me, right?" Seokjin asks as he tosses a bag into the back of his car. "Every day? Multiple times a day?"
"I should be asking you this," Namjoon says, slamming the trunk of the car closed. "You're the one going off to college, not me."
"You have to text me every time you breathe," Seokjin snaps, pointing a finger at Namjoon's face. He tries to bite it.
Namjoon laughs as he jumps onto the trunk and sits there. "The teachers will confiscate my phone."
"Tell them it's an emergency," Seokjin demands, finger now jabbing Namjoon in the chest.
He raises an eyebrow. They didn't even talk that much during school, or even after they started dating. "But if I play dead, will you perform CPR on me?"
Seokjin rolls his eyes, hands balling into his collar. "You're so stupid."
"Wow," Namjoon says, hands coming up to cover Seokjin's own. "I'm so hurt. Now I definitely won't text you."
"I'm going to cheat on you with that sophomore we saw before," Seokjin threatens. "I still remember his name! Kim Himsomething or other."
"That's a great memory," Namjoon says, sarcastic, and pulls Seokjin in close.
Seokjin snorts. "Are we going to breathe the same air, or are you going to kiss me?"
"Isn't that the same thing?" Namjoon asks, but Seokjin groans and leans in to kiss Namjoon, and Namjoon's legs wrap around Seokjin's waist.
He opens up Seokjin's mouth with little nips, laughing when Seokjin moans.
"You have to leave for college in like half an hour," he says. "No hard ons."
Seokjin lets out a sound Namjoon's sure he's heard a dying whale make on the Discovery Channel. "I don't want to leave you," he whines. "Yoongi isn't leaving for another week."
For someone who's spent all of summer angsting over Seokjin's leave for college, the tables have suddenly turned now that it's time for him to actually go. There's some sort of tranquility that Namjoon feels, knowing that everything will be okay. He has Seokjin and Seokjin's got him, even if they can't see each other every day.
There's also the neat idea that Seokjin gets to keep his car with him at college, and Namjoon's going to abuse that privilege as much as he can.
"You ready to go?" Namjoon asks, and Seokjin sighs. "Your mom's been waiting."
"Yeah," he says. "I guess I'll go then. See you?"
"See you," Namjoon replies. "For sure."
Seokjin smiles.
I made a friend! Seokjin texts Namjoon excitedly during Calculus.
I'm so sorry for them, Namjoon texts back as discreetly as he can. Who's the poor victim?
Shut the fuck up, we even share a name. He's Jin Hyosang, and a freshman too.
Namjoon makes sure to remember the name Hyosang as he types away a final reply and picks up his pencil. Don't leave him for me!
He reads the reply he gets during lunch, when Jungkook and Taehyung are trying to get Hoseok to talk about the new girl he denies he likes. Don't be stupid, his eyes aren't cute enough. There is only one pair of cutie shaped eyes in the world for me!
That's so gross, Namjoon replies, but he's smiling. Everything's okay, he reminds himself. They'll be okay.