Venus as a Boy
exo/kaisoo(sudo)/one-shot/3k/pg-13/au
title taken from bjork's venus as a boy
Do Kyungsoo is just like you or me.
He’s a twenty-nine year old accountant living in Seoul, South Korea, who recycles and fiercely opposes littering. He attends soccer matches when he can and sings to the elderly on the weekends. Do Kyungsoo is, by all intents and purposes, a very normal person. Except for one not-so-normal aspect of his life: Do Kyungsoo is a customer of the controversial Japanese company, Real Dolls.
Real Dolls was founded by longtime business partners Takashi Ishihara and Aoki Hideto in Tokyo, Japan following the mass popularity of virtual reality-related video games in the early nineties after the demand of bringing virtual to life became too great. Their expertise, however, focused more on synthesizing love and companionship.
The Real Dolls site boasts this in their mission statement: “…for those who can’t find it in their own lives. Find love here.” Real Dolls is unique in this regard. Other companies, such as Sinthetics and MechaDoll, focus on the more physical aspect of the doll, while the Real Dolls serve the purpose of being the customer’s friend, lover, and confidant.
~
Smiling and warm from the moment he opens his front door and bowing, ushering us in to his home, Do Kyungsoo is a man of short stature but great hospitality. He lives with his Real Doll, who he has christened, Kai. After introducing himself, he moves swiftly into the sitting room where he has pulled extra chairs in to the room.
“I don’t get many visitors!” He exclaims, clearly overexcited and dithering around the small room, picking up a plate of muffins and holding it out to us. “Here! I made these from scratch! Blueberry swirl.”
We sit down, and he sits across from us, bouncing a little on the edge of his seat. He attributes his hyper behavior to consuming three cups of coffee this morning in between apologizing profusely for said behavior. He’s eager.
He has a nice smile, friendly and white. It dims a little as he follows our eyes to the corner of the room where his doll sits, fixed and unmoving. He hasn’t acknowledged the doll until now.
He sighs, before getting up and bringing the doll back to sit with him on the couch. “This is Kai.” His smile is back up as if it had never left.
Interesting to note, every person (until now) have had dolls noticeably smaller than them, in both height and width. Kai is at least four inches taller than Kyungsoo. Later, Kyungsoo will admit to finding the height difference a turn on and one of the many things that he loves about his doll. “I feel safe.”
This is your doll? We indicate to the rigid figure next to him. Kyungsoo has his hand in the doll’s hand, fingers interlaced, squeezing reassuringly, palm-to-palm.
“He’s my everything.” Kyungsoo smiles, looking at the Kai doll with nothing but adoration. The Kai doll does not reciprocate.
A pause is taken before a compliment is doled out.
“Oh, yes, he’s very handsome, yes, I agree.” Kyungsoo gushes. “He’s beautiful.”
And indeed. The Kai doll, while an old version of the Real Dolls, is just as shiny and new as if kept in a box, untouched by daily wear and tear. Synthetic brown hair atop an attractive face: pretty midnight black eyes, a flat, barely-there nose; bee-stung lips even poutier than Kyungsoo’s, pursed and ready. A strong defined neck trailing down to an extremely svelte body, clothed in a thin black shirt covered by a thick blue cardigan and black jeans. The doll, we note, is barefoot.
The most unsettling thing about the Kai doll is how serene it looks. Yes, serene. As if the doll was constantly teetering on the edge of almost falling into a realm of absolutely nothing or a world of ecstasy. The doll is in a fixed state of almost-smiling. Kai has a secret joke and he just might let you in on it. The laugh lines etched into the doll’s plastic skin are so subtle, it almost goes unnoticed. We wonder why an artist so fixated on fantasy would even bother with something so realistic.
“He’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Kyungsoo laughs, rubbing at the doll’s back.
In some lights, Kai appears as though he’s frowning.
~
The dolls were originally made from elastomeric gel, but for a more realistic look and feel, Takashi and Aoki switched to silicone in 2006. Anatomically correct from head to toe, the dolls are extremely life-like from tiny patterns on the pads of their fingers to the curves of their toes. The dolls can be customized in an infinite amount of ways, including breast size. Over 200,000 dolls have been sold around the world, from both Real Dolls and competing companies. These life-size dolls do not come cheap, some of the newest versions clocking in at over $10,000 USD. Customers shell out even more money at Real Doll stores where custom-made clothes, furniture, wigs, accessories and even spare parts are sold.
Female dolls are undeniably the most popular of all the Real Dolls merchandise. However, while other places exclusively sell only female dolls, Real Dolls, not one to be outdone, caters to the gay man and offers male dolls, as well. Customers can choose a male doll and have them customized from how big or small their biceps should be down to penis size. The Lu Han Doll was their fastest-selling product in 2011, selling obscenely well in China.
Real Dolls wants to stress that their dolls are simply that: just dolls, not robots. They quickly ate their words when in 2008 robotic parts became a must-have to maximize the doll experience, and, forced to keep up with the trends, Real Dolls now offers motorized parts, ranging from blinking eyes and clenching hands to a “voice box” that makes sound but doesn’t speak and more realistic genitals, made portable and attachable for convenience.
Real Dolls has been in some controversy this year, with CEO Yuuske Matsui racking up six DUIs in the short span of two weeks and being under fire from politicians in South Korea, the UK, and the US, for setting an unrealistic standard of beauty and relationships which, they say, undermines the family unit and destroys morality among men, young and old.
~
Kim Junmyeon is a thirty-two year old lawyer living in Busan. He lives with his wife of two years in a studio apartment where she works on her popular art series "Victorian Cats". They plan to move out to the suburbs when the baby arrives.
Junmyeon is obviously someone who lives and breathes work. His skin unmarred by the harsh midday sun, instead just as incandescent as the inside of a court room. His hair, black and wavy, styled back loosely with gel in a way to seem presentable but also as if he didn't put much effort into it. His concerned eyes speak differently.
~
"Kyungsoo is a very," Junmyeon sighs, pausing looking for the right words. "A very loving person. That's it, really. He loves unconditionally. There's nothing impure or ulterior to his love, it's just complete and absolute."
When Junmyeon's comments are relayed back to Kyungsoo, he seems to agree very much, nodding along emphatically. "This is a very true statement. I've always been filled with love, for others, for anyone. Unfortunately, my heart is too big, it seems. And others are not so quick to match the love that I give. Plus, humans are fickle and take the love you gave especially for them and give it to others. With Kai…" Kyungsoo smiles down at his lap, his hands folded politely together. "With Kai, I can pour all my love into him and not worry about it getting lost or stolen."
~
“When I have to get Kai ready for the day, it is quite a chore,” Kyungsoo says, from the floor where he’s kneeling next to the doll, trying to maneuver a shirt over its head and arms through the holes. “I’ll admit that. It’s difficult because he can’t move by himself, you know. Very unwieldy, sometimes.”
Kyungsoo gets the shirt righted and then works on getting the pants on. The doll lays limp and rigid on the floor, tan and sculpted body still on display. Dark blue boxer briefs fit snugly around Kai’s hips and through the fabric; we are able to note that the doll’s realistic anatomy doesn’t just stop below the belt.
He seems to have a tough time getting the tight pants up over the knees. Not the right size, maybe?
“No, no, it’s the right size,” Kyungsoo is quick to correct. “They were made especially for him.”
It’s not like the doll has grown in height or anything like that and Kyungsoo agrees, giggling. “Yeah, he’s not….” He trails off when he gets pulls the pants up around his thighs and then a little bit higher. Kyungsoo’s blushes are an obvious contrast to his pale skin, although we’re not quite sure what brought it on.
He exhales quietly, bows his head slightly, and gets the doll’s pants buttoned and zipped, taking extra care to not bump his wrist between its legs.
“I usually don’t do this in front of others…”
Dress the doll up?
“No, well yeah, that, too. But, um…”
~
Kyungsoo sits on a park bench, one leg crossed over the other, jiggling excitedly. It is well into July now, and the heat of Seoul sun never seems to let up. Do seems to have anticipated the warmth and has dressed smartly in a thin white v-neck and blue shorts. Kai, however, cannot experience temperature and sits cooly to Do's right in tight black jeans and a blue shirt with quarter length sleeves, tight in the chest outlining the doll's defined chest.
The doll's hulking frame shades Kyungsoo from most of the harsh rays and he jokes that perhaps today Kai will get a tan.
Despite the stares from people passing by (no doubt brought on by the strange couple, but also by our cameras) they sit, with Kai's left arm protectively around Kyungsoo's shoulder. This is another difference that I'm able to point out with Kyungsoo and his doll. Other owners usually have dolls because this is the only place where they can have power and attain dominance. Appearance wise, Kai is the dominant one. Kyungsoo comes off as controlling, but the way he goes about it is truly unique.
Do gestures to his shoulder. "Usually, I am very particular about this. Kai is supposed to have his right arm around me. That's how I always have it." Kyungsoo goes on. "But, uh, last night, we, uh….had a tiny excursion." He blushes, his pale skin flooding with a lush pink.
Prompted to explain the problem with the doll's right arm, Kyungsoo turns even redder. "I, uh, pulled on it too hard…."
Met with silence, he provides more, sighing exasperatedly, "During sex."
Surely you'd have to send it back to Japan to get it replaced. (Editor's Note: South Korea has banned Real Doll stores, in a hope to curb the overwhelming popularity of the dolls.)
"Oh, well of course," Kyungsoo says. "It takes two to three weeks for repair." He sighs. "It's too long of a wait."
He continues.
"To be separated from someone you love, for that long….It may not seem like a long time to you, but it is. Other people can keep in contact with their loved ones when they're away. For me, it's different."
Kyungsoo will have to wait a maximum of three weeks before he is reunited with his doll. The wait, we are told, is excruciating.
Later, in his apartment, when asked what he'll do with himself in that period, he sighs again, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. The Kai doll sits across from us, smiling serenely at the wall in front of it.
"Aside from go to work? I'll probably just stay in and read." His eyes trail to the floor, near the doll's feet. "Think about Kai and miss him a lot."
~
Do Jhiyeon is a very busy woman. Being one of the most successful pastry chefs in Seoul, her cake business, Sickly Sweet, has turned into an empire. She agreed to do this interview on the basis that she still loves her son, even though they’ve been estranged for almost eight years now. We barely ask her any questions before she launches right in.
"One day, when he was eleven" Mrs. Do begins, face drawn and taught, clearly uncomfortable with the subject. "I walked into his room without knocking, and he was... He was rubbing himself." She stares at me for a moment, unblinking. "Rubbing against a little Raggedy Ann doll. I had no idea where he'd gotten it, but yes, he was..." She trails off. She looks relieved to have told someone.
Kyungsoo remembers this, too.
"Ah, that." A corner of his mouth stiffens. "That was a very awkward and tense day of my life. I'd been doing that for about two years at that point, and had never gotten caught. So, to finally have been caught by another person, my mother no less...I felt embarassment. Shame. But, strangely, I felt relief."
Kyungsoo starts to say something, but then falters. He tries again.
“If my feelings of relief confuse you, then let me explain. Imagine being bottled up inside with the biggest secret in the world, it’s dangerous, it’s crazy, and it’s always on the tip of your tongue every time you go and say something. Now imagine it evaporating from you like hot air, leaving you no longer confused, no longer upset, but with assurance. With purpose.”
Mrs. Do cries near the end of the interview, it’s the only one she’s agreed to do, making sure her appearance would be less than five minutes. Her tears, however, are less to do with her own sadness and more to do with us.
“My son is sick. He’s very ill. But, this is also sick, you know.” She pauses for a minute, never breaking eye contact. “Filming him, enabling him, making him feel important, making him feel as if this sickness of his is okay. I’ve heard rumors about porn companies approaching him. Asking him to play with his doll. It’s sick.”
We remind her again that she herself has agreed to do this; with little coercion on our part and that she’s getting paid for her appearance. She nods in understanding.
“I guess we’re all sick, then.”
~
Junmyeon fidgets as he's asked to explain more about his relationship with Kyungsoo, the dark fabric of his jeans catching on the wooden chair he sits in.
"We--We, uh, were, yeah, we were involved. For a while." Junmyeon coughs. "For years."
"You know, people, my friends, my family, my coworkers….after I finally made the decision to leave Kyungsoo for good." He coughs again. "They were all really happy for me. They thought that Kyungsoo was….well, crazy. Sick. Insane. You name it. They didn't want me to become like him. Dumb, right?
"But after awhile, they turned it around on me. How could you love someone so sick, so obviously crazy? What were you thinking getting involved in that? They'd ask. The thing is, I hadn't known about the…doll thing, until well into our relationship."
What were your feelings when you discovered his secret (assuming he tried to keep it a secret)?
"Oh, yeah, he tried to keep it a secret. Very secret. He was ashamed, I suppose. But, honestly, I wasn't that creeped out or anything." He stops to sip from his water glass. "You have to understand, though, I was in love with Kyungsoo. Very in love. The doll thing? It didn't bother me. I was more than willing to understand that. If this…doll thing, was part of Kyungsoo, then, fuck, I had to accept it, right?
Well. I tried.”
Junmyeon clears his throat. "Obviously, it's an unconventional, I don't know, habit, fetish, hobby to have? I know the general consensus of the people who have these dolls is pretty negative, but…." He twitches his lips in thought. "I guess I can understand it. Maybe if a person was lonely enough….Yeah, I can understand that."
He continues.
"It's not a very nice reality to face, but, I've had to. Kyungsoo didn't love me the way….I didn't love him the way he needed. Too much or not enough, I'll never be quite sure of that. I guess K--" He stops short. Saying the doll's name has been a difficulty for Junmyeon, having said it not once during the interview. "The doll could provide him with the love that Kyungsoo was looking for. Yes, I understand it."
~
“Now, that it’s just me and Kai, I don’t have to hide him anymore.” Kyungsoo explains that he had to get creative when it came to hiding Kai.
“In the closet, under the bed, in the attic. Everywhere. It killed me to hide Kai, to have to treat him like a toy that I could just throw away when I got bored with him. It’s not like that. I was being selfish, I was trying to protect myself. I put myself before Kai.”
Kyungsoo looks over at the doll apologetically, the slightest tremble in his bottom lip. “I was selfish….”
~
Did he ever try to bring the doll into the bedroom with you?
Junmyeon scoffs. "No."
But he was having relations with the doll?
He hesitates. "Yeah."
At what point did it get to be too much?
"The day I realized that, if given the option, me or the doll, Kyungsoo would never choose me." Junmyeon doesn't blink for a full minute. "Stupid, right? It sounds like I'm jealous of a fucking doll? Well, yes, I absolutely was. Here was someone that I was in love with, in love with an inanimate object. I tried to push away the hurt feelings, but after a while, I just couldn't."
Junmyeon and Kyungsoo broke up in the spring of 2012 after four years of dating.
~
“I’m a very normal person,” Kyungsoo stresses, his characteristically wide eyes widen even bigger to emphasize his point. “I’ve just…found another way to live.
“People who call me a freak, a sicko…I feel for them. They’re just confused. They don’t like things they don’t understand, and I get that.”
When asked if there are any arguments or criticism against him that he agrees with, he ponders this for a moment before letting out a deep exhale.
“Yeah.” He shuts his eyes for a second. “One person on the Internet said I must be very lonely. Which….yes, I am very lonely. That is something I agree with. Lonely is a good word for me.
“But, I’m getting better. Kai helps me get better. I’m healing.”
Kyungsoo is quick to assure that he doesn’t make a habit of reading Internet discussion where he is the subject. “No way. Not doing that again. People were very harsh, some downright cruel…But I forgive them. They’re just blinded by their own confusion.”
He seems adamant about getting people to understand him.
“When people ask me, how could you love a doll, a thing that’s not real, a thing that could never love you back? These are very hard questions to answer because I, myself, am still unsure. But all I know is that I do. I do love Kai. I love him very much and he is very much a part of me.
“You know of the saying, ‘There’s someone for everyone’, yes?” He nods to himself, fiddling with his hands in his lap. “There’s a lot of truth to that, I think. There is someone for everyone. Mine just happens to be manufactured.”
~
Since filming wrapped, Kyungsoo has been approached by four different networks. His reality show, currently without a name, will air later this year in the fall.
-------
wow i'm really nervous posting this ahhh
i made a lot of my friends read this at various stages of this story, and they were all super helpful and nice, thank you :))
specifically, though, numerous thanks to gen for helping me develop this and being an unwavering beacon of support
also big thanks to sam for beta-ing this!!
title taken from bjork's venus as a boy
Do Kyungsoo is just like you or me.
He’s a twenty-nine year old accountant living in Seoul, South Korea, who recycles and fiercely opposes littering. He attends soccer matches when he can and sings to the elderly on the weekends. Do Kyungsoo is, by all intents and purposes, a very normal person. Except for one not-so-normal aspect of his life: Do Kyungsoo is a customer of the controversial Japanese company, Real Dolls.
Real Dolls was founded by longtime business partners Takashi Ishihara and Aoki Hideto in Tokyo, Japan following the mass popularity of virtual reality-related video games in the early nineties after the demand of bringing virtual to life became too great. Their expertise, however, focused more on synthesizing love and companionship.
The Real Dolls site boasts this in their mission statement: “…for those who can’t find it in their own lives. Find love here.” Real Dolls is unique in this regard. Other companies, such as Sinthetics and MechaDoll, focus on the more physical aspect of the doll, while the Real Dolls serve the purpose of being the customer’s friend, lover, and confidant.
~
Smiling and warm from the moment he opens his front door and bowing, ushering us in to his home, Do Kyungsoo is a man of short stature but great hospitality. He lives with his Real Doll, who he has christened, Kai. After introducing himself, he moves swiftly into the sitting room where he has pulled extra chairs in to the room.
“I don’t get many visitors!” He exclaims, clearly overexcited and dithering around the small room, picking up a plate of muffins and holding it out to us. “Here! I made these from scratch! Blueberry swirl.”
We sit down, and he sits across from us, bouncing a little on the edge of his seat. He attributes his hyper behavior to consuming three cups of coffee this morning in between apologizing profusely for said behavior. He’s eager.
He has a nice smile, friendly and white. It dims a little as he follows our eyes to the corner of the room where his doll sits, fixed and unmoving. He hasn’t acknowledged the doll until now.
He sighs, before getting up and bringing the doll back to sit with him on the couch. “This is Kai.” His smile is back up as if it had never left.
Interesting to note, every person (until now) have had dolls noticeably smaller than them, in both height and width. Kai is at least four inches taller than Kyungsoo. Later, Kyungsoo will admit to finding the height difference a turn on and one of the many things that he loves about his doll. “I feel safe.”
This is your doll? We indicate to the rigid figure next to him. Kyungsoo has his hand in the doll’s hand, fingers interlaced, squeezing reassuringly, palm-to-palm.
“He’s my everything.” Kyungsoo smiles, looking at the Kai doll with nothing but adoration. The Kai doll does not reciprocate.
A pause is taken before a compliment is doled out.
“Oh, yes, he’s very handsome, yes, I agree.” Kyungsoo gushes. “He’s beautiful.”
And indeed. The Kai doll, while an old version of the Real Dolls, is just as shiny and new as if kept in a box, untouched by daily wear and tear. Synthetic brown hair atop an attractive face: pretty midnight black eyes, a flat, barely-there nose; bee-stung lips even poutier than Kyungsoo’s, pursed and ready. A strong defined neck trailing down to an extremely svelte body, clothed in a thin black shirt covered by a thick blue cardigan and black jeans. The doll, we note, is barefoot.
The most unsettling thing about the Kai doll is how serene it looks. Yes, serene. As if the doll was constantly teetering on the edge of almost falling into a realm of absolutely nothing or a world of ecstasy. The doll is in a fixed state of almost-smiling. Kai has a secret joke and he just might let you in on it. The laugh lines etched into the doll’s plastic skin are so subtle, it almost goes unnoticed. We wonder why an artist so fixated on fantasy would even bother with something so realistic.
“He’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Kyungsoo laughs, rubbing at the doll’s back.
In some lights, Kai appears as though he’s frowning.
~
The dolls were originally made from elastomeric gel, but for a more realistic look and feel, Takashi and Aoki switched to silicone in 2006. Anatomically correct from head to toe, the dolls are extremely life-like from tiny patterns on the pads of their fingers to the curves of their toes. The dolls can be customized in an infinite amount of ways, including breast size. Over 200,000 dolls have been sold around the world, from both Real Dolls and competing companies. These life-size dolls do not come cheap, some of the newest versions clocking in at over $10,000 USD. Customers shell out even more money at Real Doll stores where custom-made clothes, furniture, wigs, accessories and even spare parts are sold.
Female dolls are undeniably the most popular of all the Real Dolls merchandise. However, while other places exclusively sell only female dolls, Real Dolls, not one to be outdone, caters to the gay man and offers male dolls, as well. Customers can choose a male doll and have them customized from how big or small their biceps should be down to penis size. The Lu Han Doll was their fastest-selling product in 2011, selling obscenely well in China.
Real Dolls wants to stress that their dolls are simply that: just dolls, not robots. They quickly ate their words when in 2008 robotic parts became a must-have to maximize the doll experience, and, forced to keep up with the trends, Real Dolls now offers motorized parts, ranging from blinking eyes and clenching hands to a “voice box” that makes sound but doesn’t speak and more realistic genitals, made portable and attachable for convenience.
Real Dolls has been in some controversy this year, with CEO Yuuske Matsui racking up six DUIs in the short span of two weeks and being under fire from politicians in South Korea, the UK, and the US, for setting an unrealistic standard of beauty and relationships which, they say, undermines the family unit and destroys morality among men, young and old.
~
Kim Junmyeon is a thirty-two year old lawyer living in Busan. He lives with his wife of two years in a studio apartment where she works on her popular art series "Victorian Cats". They plan to move out to the suburbs when the baby arrives.
Junmyeon is obviously someone who lives and breathes work. His skin unmarred by the harsh midday sun, instead just as incandescent as the inside of a court room. His hair, black and wavy, styled back loosely with gel in a way to seem presentable but also as if he didn't put much effort into it. His concerned eyes speak differently.
~
"Kyungsoo is a very," Junmyeon sighs, pausing looking for the right words. "A very loving person. That's it, really. He loves unconditionally. There's nothing impure or ulterior to his love, it's just complete and absolute."
When Junmyeon's comments are relayed back to Kyungsoo, he seems to agree very much, nodding along emphatically. "This is a very true statement. I've always been filled with love, for others, for anyone. Unfortunately, my heart is too big, it seems. And others are not so quick to match the love that I give. Plus, humans are fickle and take the love you gave especially for them and give it to others. With Kai…" Kyungsoo smiles down at his lap, his hands folded politely together. "With Kai, I can pour all my love into him and not worry about it getting lost or stolen."
~
“When I have to get Kai ready for the day, it is quite a chore,” Kyungsoo says, from the floor where he’s kneeling next to the doll, trying to maneuver a shirt over its head and arms through the holes. “I’ll admit that. It’s difficult because he can’t move by himself, you know. Very unwieldy, sometimes.”
Kyungsoo gets the shirt righted and then works on getting the pants on. The doll lays limp and rigid on the floor, tan and sculpted body still on display. Dark blue boxer briefs fit snugly around Kai’s hips and through the fabric; we are able to note that the doll’s realistic anatomy doesn’t just stop below the belt.
He seems to have a tough time getting the tight pants up over the knees. Not the right size, maybe?
“No, no, it’s the right size,” Kyungsoo is quick to correct. “They were made especially for him.”
It’s not like the doll has grown in height or anything like that and Kyungsoo agrees, giggling. “Yeah, he’s not….” He trails off when he gets pulls the pants up around his thighs and then a little bit higher. Kyungsoo’s blushes are an obvious contrast to his pale skin, although we’re not quite sure what brought it on.
He exhales quietly, bows his head slightly, and gets the doll’s pants buttoned and zipped, taking extra care to not bump his wrist between its legs.
“I usually don’t do this in front of others…”
Dress the doll up?
“No, well yeah, that, too. But, um…”
~
Kyungsoo sits on a park bench, one leg crossed over the other, jiggling excitedly. It is well into July now, and the heat of Seoul sun never seems to let up. Do seems to have anticipated the warmth and has dressed smartly in a thin white v-neck and blue shorts. Kai, however, cannot experience temperature and sits cooly to Do's right in tight black jeans and a blue shirt with quarter length sleeves, tight in the chest outlining the doll's defined chest.
The doll's hulking frame shades Kyungsoo from most of the harsh rays and he jokes that perhaps today Kai will get a tan.
Despite the stares from people passing by (no doubt brought on by the strange couple, but also by our cameras) they sit, with Kai's left arm protectively around Kyungsoo's shoulder. This is another difference that I'm able to point out with Kyungsoo and his doll. Other owners usually have dolls because this is the only place where they can have power and attain dominance. Appearance wise, Kai is the dominant one. Kyungsoo comes off as controlling, but the way he goes about it is truly unique.
Do gestures to his shoulder. "Usually, I am very particular about this. Kai is supposed to have his right arm around me. That's how I always have it." Kyungsoo goes on. "But, uh, last night, we, uh….had a tiny excursion." He blushes, his pale skin flooding with a lush pink.
Prompted to explain the problem with the doll's right arm, Kyungsoo turns even redder. "I, uh, pulled on it too hard…."
Met with silence, he provides more, sighing exasperatedly, "During sex."
Surely you'd have to send it back to Japan to get it replaced. (Editor's Note: South Korea has banned Real Doll stores, in a hope to curb the overwhelming popularity of the dolls.)
"Oh, well of course," Kyungsoo says. "It takes two to three weeks for repair." He sighs. "It's too long of a wait."
He continues.
"To be separated from someone you love, for that long….It may not seem like a long time to you, but it is. Other people can keep in contact with their loved ones when they're away. For me, it's different."
Kyungsoo will have to wait a maximum of three weeks before he is reunited with his doll. The wait, we are told, is excruciating.
Later, in his apartment, when asked what he'll do with himself in that period, he sighs again, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. The Kai doll sits across from us, smiling serenely at the wall in front of it.
"Aside from go to work? I'll probably just stay in and read." His eyes trail to the floor, near the doll's feet. "Think about Kai and miss him a lot."
~
Do Jhiyeon is a very busy woman. Being one of the most successful pastry chefs in Seoul, her cake business, Sickly Sweet, has turned into an empire. She agreed to do this interview on the basis that she still loves her son, even though they’ve been estranged for almost eight years now. We barely ask her any questions before she launches right in.
"One day, when he was eleven" Mrs. Do begins, face drawn and taught, clearly uncomfortable with the subject. "I walked into his room without knocking, and he was... He was rubbing himself." She stares at me for a moment, unblinking. "Rubbing against a little Raggedy Ann doll. I had no idea where he'd gotten it, but yes, he was..." She trails off. She looks relieved to have told someone.
Kyungsoo remembers this, too.
"Ah, that." A corner of his mouth stiffens. "That was a very awkward and tense day of my life. I'd been doing that for about two years at that point, and had never gotten caught. So, to finally have been caught by another person, my mother no less...I felt embarassment. Shame. But, strangely, I felt relief."
Kyungsoo starts to say something, but then falters. He tries again.
“If my feelings of relief confuse you, then let me explain. Imagine being bottled up inside with the biggest secret in the world, it’s dangerous, it’s crazy, and it’s always on the tip of your tongue every time you go and say something. Now imagine it evaporating from you like hot air, leaving you no longer confused, no longer upset, but with assurance. With purpose.”
Mrs. Do cries near the end of the interview, it’s the only one she’s agreed to do, making sure her appearance would be less than five minutes. Her tears, however, are less to do with her own sadness and more to do with us.
“My son is sick. He’s very ill. But, this is also sick, you know.” She pauses for a minute, never breaking eye contact. “Filming him, enabling him, making him feel important, making him feel as if this sickness of his is okay. I’ve heard rumors about porn companies approaching him. Asking him to play with his doll. It’s sick.”
We remind her again that she herself has agreed to do this; with little coercion on our part and that she’s getting paid for her appearance. She nods in understanding.
“I guess we’re all sick, then.”
~
Junmyeon fidgets as he's asked to explain more about his relationship with Kyungsoo, the dark fabric of his jeans catching on the wooden chair he sits in.
"We--We, uh, were, yeah, we were involved. For a while." Junmyeon coughs. "For years."
"You know, people, my friends, my family, my coworkers….after I finally made the decision to leave Kyungsoo for good." He coughs again. "They were all really happy for me. They thought that Kyungsoo was….well, crazy. Sick. Insane. You name it. They didn't want me to become like him. Dumb, right?
"But after awhile, they turned it around on me. How could you love someone so sick, so obviously crazy? What were you thinking getting involved in that? They'd ask. The thing is, I hadn't known about the…doll thing, until well into our relationship."
What were your feelings when you discovered his secret (assuming he tried to keep it a secret)?
"Oh, yeah, he tried to keep it a secret. Very secret. He was ashamed, I suppose. But, honestly, I wasn't that creeped out or anything." He stops to sip from his water glass. "You have to understand, though, I was in love with Kyungsoo. Very in love. The doll thing? It didn't bother me. I was more than willing to understand that. If this…doll thing, was part of Kyungsoo, then, fuck, I had to accept it, right?
Well. I tried.”
Junmyeon clears his throat. "Obviously, it's an unconventional, I don't know, habit, fetish, hobby to have? I know the general consensus of the people who have these dolls is pretty negative, but…." He twitches his lips in thought. "I guess I can understand it. Maybe if a person was lonely enough….Yeah, I can understand that."
He continues.
"It's not a very nice reality to face, but, I've had to. Kyungsoo didn't love me the way….I didn't love him the way he needed. Too much or not enough, I'll never be quite sure of that. I guess K--" He stops short. Saying the doll's name has been a difficulty for Junmyeon, having said it not once during the interview. "The doll could provide him with the love that Kyungsoo was looking for. Yes, I understand it."
~
“Now, that it’s just me and Kai, I don’t have to hide him anymore.” Kyungsoo explains that he had to get creative when it came to hiding Kai.
“In the closet, under the bed, in the attic. Everywhere. It killed me to hide Kai, to have to treat him like a toy that I could just throw away when I got bored with him. It’s not like that. I was being selfish, I was trying to protect myself. I put myself before Kai.”
Kyungsoo looks over at the doll apologetically, the slightest tremble in his bottom lip. “I was selfish….”
~
Did he ever try to bring the doll into the bedroom with you?
Junmyeon scoffs. "No."
But he was having relations with the doll?
He hesitates. "Yeah."
At what point did it get to be too much?
"The day I realized that, if given the option, me or the doll, Kyungsoo would never choose me." Junmyeon doesn't blink for a full minute. "Stupid, right? It sounds like I'm jealous of a fucking doll? Well, yes, I absolutely was. Here was someone that I was in love with, in love with an inanimate object. I tried to push away the hurt feelings, but after a while, I just couldn't."
Junmyeon and Kyungsoo broke up in the spring of 2012 after four years of dating.
~
“I’m a very normal person,” Kyungsoo stresses, his characteristically wide eyes widen even bigger to emphasize his point. “I’ve just…found another way to live.
“People who call me a freak, a sicko…I feel for them. They’re just confused. They don’t like things they don’t understand, and I get that.”
When asked if there are any arguments or criticism against him that he agrees with, he ponders this for a moment before letting out a deep exhale.
“Yeah.” He shuts his eyes for a second. “One person on the Internet said I must be very lonely. Which….yes, I am very lonely. That is something I agree with. Lonely is a good word for me.
“But, I’m getting better. Kai helps me get better. I’m healing.”
Kyungsoo is quick to assure that he doesn’t make a habit of reading Internet discussion where he is the subject. “No way. Not doing that again. People were very harsh, some downright cruel…But I forgive them. They’re just blinded by their own confusion.”
He seems adamant about getting people to understand him.
“When people ask me, how could you love a doll, a thing that’s not real, a thing that could never love you back? These are very hard questions to answer because I, myself, am still unsure. But all I know is that I do. I do love Kai. I love him very much and he is very much a part of me.
“You know of the saying, ‘There’s someone for everyone’, yes?” He nods to himself, fiddling with his hands in his lap. “There’s a lot of truth to that, I think. There is someone for everyone. Mine just happens to be manufactured.”
~
Since filming wrapped, Kyungsoo has been approached by four different networks. His reality show, currently without a name, will air later this year in the fall.
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wow i'm really nervous posting this ahhh
i made a lot of my friends read this at various stages of this story, and they were all super helpful and nice, thank you :))
specifically, though, numerous thanks to gen for helping me develop this and being an unwavering beacon of support
also big thanks to sam for beta-ing this!!