Games We Play

[psychicfeeling]

In Which Donghae Wins

Games We Play

Started: March 15, 2012
Finished: July 3, 2012

“There’s a bruise on your cheek.” Hyukjae idly remarks as he rests one hand on Donghae’s uninjured cheek, kissing up his jaw. Donghae’s hands are hurriedly working at his belt.

“Yeah, he hit me again.” He pauses in his actions and looks up at the older man, waiting for a reaction. His back smacks onto the kitchen counter, and he shivers at the dark look Hyukjae is giving him.

“You probably deserved it.”

Teeth are immediately biting his lips, not waiting for a proper response before a tongue is shoved into his mouth. Hips thrust against his own remind him what he’s supposed to do. He kisses back just as fervently and puts his hands back to work. When they pull away, he pushes himself off the counter and drops to his kneesn

“Yes… yeah, I did.”

*~*~*~*~*

Hurting each other is the basis of Hyukjae and Donghae’s relationship. They rip each other apart only to build each other back up, making their relationship stronger in the end.

But somewhere along the line, they stopped the building part. It’s said that the closer people are, the more they can hurt each other, and that’s all they did to each other.

Even with both of them were in committed relationships with other people, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, and by extension, they couldn’t stop hurting each other.

It was like a game: first one to crack was the weakest.

Donghae always lost.

*~*~*~*~*

Donghae is fourteen and Hyukjae is fifteen when they share their first kiss. They’re playing a shooting game with each other when Donghae casually announces that he has no interest in dating women. His fingers continue the routine of playing the game, but he can’t stop his teeth from worrying his bottom lip while he anticipates his best friend’s reaction. What he expects is for his slightly-homophobic friend to look at him in disgust and kick him out of his house.

But Hyukjae’s always been a little unpredictable, so the sudden kiss takes him off-guard. He pulls back and starts to voice his surprise, but he’s pulled back into another deep kiss, which becomes the start of many more in their twisted relationship.

They had been sleeping with each most of their senior year in high school without repercussions. It’s a time when the simplest things could make them happy, such as sneaked kisses in the bathroom between classes or holding hands under the lunch table. A few of their close friends figure out the relationship without having to be told. They keep it quiet, but don’t exactly approve like the majority of the nation.

But Donghae’s parents start to question when he was going to get a girlfriend. They constantly complain that there was no possible way that he could ever date if he was always with his friends, which is his usual excuse for being with Hyukjae. He’d always been open with his parents, so he initially finds no problem with telling them he’s gay and has no interesting in dating girls. He doesn’t tell them that he’s already dating, but he doesn’t want to drag Hyukjae in this until he’s ready to tell his parents.

His mother cries, and his father won’t speak for him for the rest of the night.

The next day at school, Hyukjae is very aware of how upset his boyfriend is and keeps shooting him worried glances throughout classes. Donghae is weary of telling him during school for the fear of others around overhearing, so he waits until their walking back home to quietly admit that he came out to his parents. Hyukjae stiffens and stares wide-eyed at Donghae. He stammers out some shitty excuse about having to pick up something for his mother and quickly walks off in the opposite direction.

It’s the first time of many that Hyukjae lets Donghae down.

He calls later that night claiming that it’s best if they’re just friends.

*~*~*~*~*

Donghae has no chance to cry over the broken relationship. Not when Hyukjae’s still fucking him. Their “love making” had quickly degraded to “fucking” when Hyukjae stopped wanting to hold his hand but still expected for Donghae to submit to the sex. Donghae complies, but he wishes his ex-boyfriend/best friend/tormentor wouldn’t just assume he would still sleep with him.

He’s not sure how, but a rumor sparks saying that he’s gay. Against Hyukjae’s advice, he decides not to address the rumors, after all they’re not really rumors if they’re true. But being out in high school is usually a bad thing, especially in South Korea where homosexuals are seen as almost sub-human.

When he doesn’t deny the whispers of ‘faggot’ and ‘cocksucker’ he essentially puts a price on his head. It’s funny how many guys don’t think forcing a blowjob from a guy doesn’t count as being gay. He doesn’t really remember what made them approach him, but he recalls the look in their eyes that told him he needed to run. After being coerced off the soccer and dance team, his athleticism wasn’t at its prime. It’s not much of a surprise when a pair of arms catches him and drags him, kicking and screaming, into an empty locker room. His cries for help are quickly silenced by a punch to the side of his face as the four teenagers surround him and start unzipping their pants.

He knocks on Hyukjae’s window late that night, not really wanting to face his parents with bruises on his jaw and dried cum in his hair. After the boys left him alone, he had checked his phone to see if his friend had tried to contact him at all. Usually, they hooked up quickly in the older teen’s room before his parents got home. To his surprise and dismay, his phone screen was cracked and wouldn’t turn on. Hyukjae can’t hold back his gasp when he approaches the window and sees the state of his best friend and opens the pane wide enough for Donghae to wriggle in.

The most logic questions to ask right now, Donghae believes are: 1) who did this to you? Or 2) what happened?

“Is this why you didn’t show up this afternoon?” Well, he had always liked how unpredictable his friend was sometimes.

Donghae sits on the edge of the small bed and smiles weakly. “You sleep with a few guys and suddenly everyone wants a piece of you,” he jokes.

The redhead rounds on him. “A few guys?” His expression is full of hurt.

“You’re jealous.”

“No, I just didn’t think that my friend slept around like that, but whatever. None of my business.” He opens his dresser and rummages around for clothes to give to the soiled boy.

“You treat me no better than they do.”

“Well, you kinda deserve it,” he tosses the clothes over his shoulder, but Donghae makes no effort to pick them up. “Being gay… you can’t just admit that without expecting to be bullied. But hey! At least now you’re getting more action, huh?” He chuckles and actually turns and smiles at Donghae.

“That’s not funny.” Tears are dangerously close to falling from Donghae’s eyes; his voice betrays that to the room.

“But you’re still gonna let me fuck you,” Hyukjae coldly replies.

He does.

*~*~*~*~*

The principal gives Donghae the option of receiving his diploma on graduation day or skipping the ceremony and having his diploma mailed. Donghae lets out an empty laugh and looks straight into the man’s eyes, wrinkled eyes meeting his black ones, and says that he has no reason to skip his own graduation ceremony. He’s worked just as hard as the other students.

He wants Hyukjae to think of him as brave. As someone who won’t let anything keep them down, even though the bullying had far-reached the point of sexual harassment.

“That’s stupid,” the oldest tells him while his fingers are working in and out of Donghae’s stretched entrance. “You’ll know they’ll do something to you as their last little hurrah. Just stay home, alright?”

“But then I’ll be a coward like you.” For once he just wants to hurt Hyukjae back, just once.

“I rather be a coward than a slut.”

The fingers suddenly don’t feel good anymore. “Take that back.”

The older man removes his fingers and sits back on his heels. The smirk on his face is joking. “Mad because it’s true?”

“Take it back!” His face is red, and he’s trying to hold back his tears because Hyukjae’s tormenting usually doesn’t let up with the threat of tears. “Take it back!” Hyukjae’s still smirking, and Donghae wants nothing more than to punch that smile right off his face. So he does.

“The fuck, Hae?!” Another fist comes towards him, but he expertly dodges it and grabs Donghae’s arm.

With his right hand trapped, he launches his left fist. “Take it back!” he repeats, and this time he is crying. Tears run completely unchecked down his face and he’s starting to hiccup as he continues chanting those three words.

Hyukjae easily catches the other arm and pins them above Donghae’s head. “My parents are almost home so let’s finish this, okay? I don’t know why you’re so upset about this. People say it to you everyday.”

“B-but I don’t l-love th-them,” he sobs. Right now, he wishes he were anywhere but there, lying naked and vulnerable under someone who hurt him exponentially more than any of the boys who forced themselves on him (something he has yet to tell anyone). The grip on his arms isn’t tight, but he still doesn’t have the energy to free himself and leave like he really wants.

Even when the hands leave his arms, he can still only lie there and cry, hating Hyukjae, hating himself, hating everything. “Hey…” Hyukjae’s voice softens. His arms wind themselves around the youngest’s middle and he rests his head against Donghae’s chest, listening to his racing heart. “You know I love you too, right?”

“No…” Curled fingers hit at the arms around him, but there’s no force behind them. Those words haven’t come from Hyukjae in months, not since he publicly came out.

“I just… I can’t put up with what you go through everyday. I know I’m a coward, but I think you’re an idiot for telling your parents and not standing up for yourself. I love you more than anything and hate seeing you hurt like this, but I can’t do this with you.” He places a kiss on Donghae’s skin. “I’m sorry.”

Was it really worth it to trade being who he truly was just to continue to be with Hyukjae like they were? In the end, he doesn’t really think it matters because either way, he’s just someone’s dirty little secret. “I wanna go home,” he murmurs as the tears are drying on his cheeks.

Hyukjae loosens his arms as if agreeing to Donghae’s wishes, but instead he just shifts around and lies on his side with an arm once again hugging the warm body to his. “We don’t have to have sex.”

“Thanks for your permission.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Hyukjae blushes. “You shouldn’t walk home when you’re upset like this. Sleep here tonight.” Shyly, he leans forward to kiss Donghae, a slow kiss, but it’s closemouthed and innocent. It subdues Donghae for now. “Who’s gonna take care of you when I’m gone?”

Donghae turns on his side to face his best friend. He runs a lazy finger over Hyukjae’s defined jaw. “You know I can handle myself. Just study hard and visit me when you’re home, got it? And I expect a phone call a week, no matter how busy you are.”

“You sound like my mom.”

“Your dick’s been in my mouth.”

“Spare me the mental images.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

*~*~*~*~*

Hyukjae calls as promised until his midterms roll around, which Donghae can understand, even though he decided not pursue higher education. His parents hadn’t been too interesting in his future since he came out because in their eyes, if he couldn’t marry and produce children, there really wasn’t a high need for him to get a high paying job.

His parents did help him secure an apartment though and helped him get the waiter job that kept his bills paid. After two weeks of living alone, he adopted a dog to keep him company until Hyukjae could finish school and move in with him. Taking care of the dog, Bada, took a lot of work for someone who barely took care of themselves, but he liked the sense of being needed it gave him.

So, even though his best friend hadn’t called for over 2 weeks, he was content knowing that Bada needed him and that Hyukjae loved him.

When Hyukjae finally does call him, he apologizes profusely for not calling and says he’s been swamped between schoolwork and dance practices.

“Oh no, it’s okay, I understand.” Suddenly he feels like a teenaged girl talking to her boyfriend. He picks up Bada whose running around his feet and takes the small dog into his bedroom. “How are things going though besides that? Dance practice going good?”

Hyukjae starts stuttering at this subject. “Y-yeah. E-everything’s fine. Just fine.”

“Are you sure?” he questions, curling up in his bed. “You sound weird.”

“It’s just.” He hears rustling in the background. “Have you met anyone back at home? Any interest in someone?”

“You’re my first and only love,” he states, matter-of-factly.

“But we’re not exactly together, are we?”

“Well, when two people confess to loving each other on a regular basis, I think that entitles some kind of close relationship, but I suppose we aren’t officially together. Why are you bringing this up?”

Hyukjae’s voice lowers to almost a whisper, but to Donghae it’s almost a scream when he hears, “I’ve been seeing someone. A girl.” Silence. “I’ve told you about Hyoyeon. She’s in my dance group, and we’ve gotten quite close.”

Bada slips out of his arms and leaps off the bed. “You’re sleeping with her.” It’s more of a statement than a question.

“No! She’s not that type of person, and I really rather not discuss my sex life with you; we’re not together.”

“I am your sex life! You’re a closeted homosexual who’s been sleeping with a guy for 2 years and you want to date a girl? Why do you think I would be okay with this?” he’s up and pacing the room angrily, alternating between pulling at his hair and tugging at his shirt.

“It’s not like we can get married, Donghae. You want me to live with you for the rest of my life, growing old and having people wonder why I have no children and rather hang out with my faggot roommate?” A door opens and shuts in the background, suggesting that the older man moved to a place where he won’t be overheard. “Besides, I really do like her.”

Donghae stops and place and squeezes his eyes shut, willing himself to not prove himself as the crybaby he was. “I thought you loved me.”

“I do! Trust me… I do.”

“But what if you fall in love with her? What am I supposed to do?” Was Hyukjae really doing this over the phone? Yes, he knew there wasn’t a real label for their relationship, but after 5 years of being in love with him, through all the blood, sweat, and tears, he was being underfooted over the phone?

And what hurts even worse is that Hyukjae knows how easy it is to break Donghae and how Donghae needs someone to cling to when he’s broken like this. Alone, he doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions, so for the first time in his life, he holds in the hurt and does his best to believe that everything will work out.

*~*~*~*~*

That phone conversation had been one of the last times they contacted each other in two years. Donghae had made a desperate trip to the university where he spent the weekend in bed with Hyukjae, but afterwards the oldest suggest that they take a short break from seeing each other. Soon after, Hyukjae’s twitter flooded with pictures of him and Hyoyeon doing little things that Donghae didn’t think were very picture worthy. One thing that was obvious was even while Donghae couldn’t stop loving Eunhyuk, the older man had moved on.

And it was for the best, he guesses, because now he has someone who’s just as much of a social outcast as he is. Siwon has the potential to be a CEO of a major company or even the President of South Korea, a certain air of authority. This is the type of man that seems easy to love, but Donghae’s never been one to fall in and out of love so easily. Even with the bruises, he thinks that Siwon is probably as perfect as perfect can get. Siwon holds his hand in public, and he likes that.

But he’s still not happy. He can’t really remember the last time he was really happy. His smiles are forced and never reach his eyes. This kind of happiness is all he thinks he’ll be able to achieve so he’s content with living this way.

He tries not to think of Hyukjae too much, but that doesn’t been at all that he even wants to attempt to move on. Not thinking about him keeps Donghae from jumping into a cab and looking for the older man. The last time he sought out his former flame had been on the day of his college graduation. He was this close to approaching Hyukjae when he saw the object of his thoughts wrapped around a pretty blonde girl. Hyoyeon. They look good together as they’re both attractive people, but in Donghae’s opinion they don’t look good together.

At this point, he has no real direction in his life. He doesn’t see anything coming out of his waiting job or from his unhealthy relationship with Siwon. He’s merely existing.

This is probably when the first thoughts of suicide come about. Well, he can’t really say that he wanted to kill himself, but he’s tired of the monotony of life and maybe he’s tired of getting slapped around.

He’s standing at the corner store just staring at sleeping pills when he realizes that he’s there for a purpose and pushing back thoughts of death until another day. His feet shuffle toward the family planning section where he’s presented with a wide variety of condom choices. Siwon knows he hates doing this but someone should be responsible, he supposes. For a few seconds he seriously goes over all the selections trying do decided if he preferred fire and ice over ultrathin.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” he mutters before closing his eyes and blindly reaching for a box. Instead of a cold, cardboard box, his hand latches onto something warm and fleshy, and he immediately retracts his hand to apologize to the owner of the arm he grabbed.

Donghae’s eyes fly open at the man’s voice. “Who’s the unlucky guy?” He takes a shaky step back and takes in the sight of the familiar gummy smile and a shock of red hair.

He stutters stupidly for a few seconds under Hyukjae’s amused gaze before reaching forward to touch his hair. “Your hair is red.”

“Nice to see you after all these years, too” Hyukjae replies. He removes Donghae’s hand from his hair before he can ruin it, and Donghae hope he’s not imagining the hesitant way the older man releases his hand. “It just wouldn’t be us if we didn’t meet somewhere completely unconventional like this.” Casually, as casual as getting condoms can be, Hyukjae’s eyes roam over the boxes before he picks out one marked ‘Ribbed For Her Pleasure’.

Donghae seethes. Childishly, he grabs several boxes without looking at the type and glares at his ex-best friend. “For all the sex I’ll be having,” he spits.

“Five years and still insanely jealous?” Hyukjae teases and places a warm palm on Donghae’s cheek, which has him resisting the urge to lean into the familiar touch.

“Don’t touch me,” he commands weakly, making no attempt to brush the hand away. His excuse is that his hands are full of condoms he knows he doesn’t need. Tears start to fill his eyes and he absolutely hates himself for still being the Donghae who would ‘cry if you just look at him’.

Hyukjae smirks and pulls the younger man forward by his neck until they’re much too close for Donghae’s liking. He tries to lean backwards but only succeeds in dropping a couple of boxes. “Let’s talk, okay? I’ll even pay for your…” he casts the items in Donghae’s arms an amused glance, “…purchases.”

Donghae nods dumbly and mentally starts to organize everything he’s been wanting to say to the man in front of him. Five years was a lot of time to think.

-

Apparently, talking had become another code word for sex. Donghae’s not sure how he should feel. He should be happy to know that Hyukjae is still attracted to him after all these years, but he should be upset because he’s falling back into the same vicious cycle of his teenager years.

Sitting up on the bed, legs hanging over the side and a hand lazily stroking the base of his spine, he feels somewhere in between which isn’t really a feeling at all. He’s completely unfazed by the fact that he cheated on his boyfriend, but he does feel slightly concerned that he feels no remorse.

“I have a boyfriend,” he speaks up. It’s nothing more than a comment.

Hyukjae sits up and wraps his arms around Donghae’s waist, his warm chest pressing against the warm back. “I’m engaged.” Donghae’s breathing stills for a moment. “She proposed to me at graduation because she said I was taking too long to do it myself. We’re getting married in 3 months. Would you be my best man?”

Donghae hunches forward, not completely pulling away from the back hug but showing that he wasn’t enjoying it as much. “You’re an asshole,” he spits, but there’s not much venom in his voice. “Don’t you have any guy friends from school? Ones you don’t sleep with?”

“You think I would actually make you my best man?” He lets out a joking laugh, but Donghae can’t even fake a small smile. “You know you’re too clingy. There’s no telling how my wedding would turn out.”

“Clingy…” Donghae repeats under his breath. He hunches over more to start collecting his clothes and stands up. “I have to go home; Siwon will be waiting.”

Nothing’s said between them as Donghae collects the rest of his clothing and heads towards the bathroom. “Siwon… that’s your boyfriend?” Donghae nods. “And you live with him?” Another nod. “Does he… does he treat you alright?” The younger man is taken off-guard when Hyukjae comes from behind him and purposely runs his hand over a fading bruise on his side.

“I need to go home,” Donghae repeats instead of answering, and this time he is starting to cry.

“Maybe you could stay a little longer… we have a lot of catching up to do.” The redhead’s hand moves lower down Donghae’s side before it’s resting dangerously low on his hip. He knows Hyukjae means well and this is his misguided way of helping Donghae feel better, but he knows that sleeping with him will just put him in the same unstable position he was in years ago.

His mind knows that. But his body can’t help but lean into the touch he longed for since he was nineteen and be led into the bathroom and pressed against the shower wall.

-

“Where have you been?”

The question is calm and seems casual, but Donghae knows that if he doesn’t answer within the next few seconds, Siwon will assume the worse. The way his cheek is stinging lets him know just how upset his boyfriend is about showing up at 2am. He barely had enough time to close the front door.

“Just at a friend’s house. We were watching a movie, and I fell asleep. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have any friends.” Donghae opens his mouth to protest but nothing comes out of his mouth because there’s nothing to disagree with. Since Hyukjae broke up with him, he tended to stay to himself. Being temporarily unemployed, he tended to stay in their apartment by himself. Sometimes his first words of the day were in the afternoon when Siwon came home from work. Maybe he was too clingy.

He hasn’t ever really lied to Siwon before, unless withholding information counted as lying, so he doesn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to admit to sleeping with Hyukjae. “But you have nothing to worry about,” he adds. “I love him, but he hasn’t loved me for a long time.”

Donghae expects for a fist to land across his cheek, but Siwon just shakes his head and walks to their shared bedroom. The younger man stays propped against the front door as he listens to Siwon rummaging around. The sounds are innocent enough; Donghae’s sure Siwon isn’t looking for a creative way to hurt him, but he still cautiously walks over to the doorway and wearily peaks in.

Siwon’s just zipping up a suitcase and setting it on the ground when Donghae steps in. “Are you leaving?” Donghae inquires. His voice shows no sadness at the possibility of his boyfriend leaving him, but he is a little concerned about paying the bills. But he’s lived without electricity a few times in the past, so it’s not too much of a worry.

“No. You are.” The bag is thrown at the ground at his feet, and Siwon shoves pass him to leave the bedroom. His body language screams of rage, but Donghae can tell that he’s trying his best to hold back from lashing out.

Donghae stares down at the bag and crouches down to open it. A quick glance tells him that, yes, his clothes are packed, and Siwon’s serious. “I don’t have anywhere to go,” he speaks lowly. And he really doesn’t and hasn’t since he graduated from high school, since his parents cut him out of their wills.

He’s taken off-guard when a foot is placed on his back, and he’s shoved on top of his awaiting suitcase. “Too bad. I pay the bills; this is my apartment.” Donghae cranes his neck around to look up at his boyfriend, and he barely has time to notice the glass of water in his hand before it’s poured over his head.

It occurs to Donghae then that he’s no different from who he was in high school: a boy who couldn’t fight his own battles and didn’t know how to fix anything. In another life, one where he isn’t bullied for half his senior year, he would have walked away from this relationship, knowing that it would only bring him down. He wouldn’t be sitting on the floor, wet and trying to decide how to convince Siwon to let him stay. He wouldn’t think that this relationship was as good as he would ever get.

The logical part of him is buried under the desperate side of him as he moves to his knees and reaches out for Siwon’s belt buckle. The older man scoffs at him but moves forward within Donghae’s reach and watches as the younger man works on undoing his pants.

“Slut,” he hisses. But Donghae doesn’t let it bother him because at the end of the night, even though he has finger-shaped bruises on his neck and hips, he has a place to stay.

*~*~*~*~*

“Y’know, this isn’t as fun if you’re not responding.”

Hyukjae’s voice brings Donghae out of his trance and makes the youngest aware of the kisses that were being trailed down the side of his face and neck. “Oh. Sorry.”

“You’ve been zoning out a lot lately,” the redhead moves over on the couch so he can take in all of Donghae. “Is something going on?” Donghae shoots him a look. “I-I mean, besides that.”

The brunette only shrugs and turns his attention to the television they were supposed to watching. He would like to say that the reason for his disconnected demeanor was because of Hyukjae’s wedding in the morning, but it could be the fact that Hyukjae didn’t invite him to his bachelor party and he had to come after everyone left. Maybe it was the fact that even after meeting Hyoyeon, he was still sleeping with the older man. Maybe it was the fact that he had been taken against his will the week before, but he doesn’t want to attribute it to that as it wasn’t the first time in his life.

“I don’t think I should be here. I should go home.”

He makes no move to rise from the couch and doesn’t pull away when a hand lightly grazes over his bruised eyelid. “So your boyfriend can beat you?”

Donghae brushes the hand away and draws his knees to his chest. “It’s not that bad. I could leave anytime.” The high degree of cliché his words hold makes him cringe inside, but in reality, the only think keeping him in the relationship with Siwon was himself. Just in the past 3 months, his boyfriend had attempted to kick him out four more times, and each time he’s unpacked with a new injury.

He hates himself for being so weak and passive. The thought of suicide is floating around in his head again.

“You’re still just as stupid as ever. Obviously, you have a death wish if you keep staying.”

Donghae almost wants to laugh out loud at how close Hyukjae is to the truth, but he settles with an empty closemouthed smile. “Didn’t I once tell you that you hurt me more than anyone else?”

The older man shrugs and runs a hand up Donghae’s shirt. “And didn’t I say you deserved it?”

“Do you remember Im Jihyun?” Donghae absently asks. His breathing is quickening from Hyukjae’s touches, and he knows he should push him away but his hands seem to no longer be in his control as they travel up the older man’s arms.

“From high school?” Donghae obligingly lifts his arms as his shirt is pulled off. “Yeah, creepy little kid who barely talked to anyone. What about him?”

“He wasn’t that little,” he comments, lifting his hips to remove his jeans. “He was pretty built… looked skinny but had a lot of muscle.”

Hyukjae raises an eyebrow and pauses while unbuttoning his own shirt. “Did you sleep with him?”

Donghae starts nervously playing with his fingers. “Kinda. Well, I mean. I saw him again after we graduated, just after you broke up with me. We went on a few dates. He used to call, and we talked about everything…”

“Aww, how sweet,” the redhead mocks, rolling his eyes. “Did you call each other pet names and make out in movie theaters?” His laugh is cold and humorless.

“He raped me.” If the situation weren’t so serious, the brunette would probably laugh at the way Hyukjae’s mouth opens and closes, akin to a fish. “We hadn’t dated much,” he continues on. “And I guessed we would have sex eventually, but I guess he was tired of waiting…”

“Donghae… I-I didn’t-“

“I guess I’m telling you this to tell you that- that Siwon. He. I mean, I can’t tell you something happened again if you don’t know about the first time, right?” He doesn’t realize that his hands are shaking until Hyukjae takes them into his and tries to calm his lover.

“You can’t stay with him, Donghae. You have to leave.” Donghae smiles sadly at Hyukjae and pulls his hands away.

“He can’t hurt me any worse than you do.”

Donghae knows he’s outstayed his welcome when Hyukjae stands up and throws his clothes at him. It doesn’t hurt him as much as it normally would have because he knows Hyukjae cares. Hyukjae may not love him back, but they’re still friends(?), and any person wouldn’t want to see their friends hurting.

Back at their apartment, Siwon meets him at the door with all of Donghae’s things packed. He hands him a check for two million won and tells him to get out. Donghae can only stare as a very boyish looking man peeks his head out from the bedroom door, surveying the scene in front of him.

The next morning, Hyukjae’s wedding guests can’t help but stare at the man sporting a bruised cheek and a broken nose. When asked about it, he laughs and says the broken nose was mutual.

*~*~*~*~*

Donghae is almost smiling when he spots Siwon and his new boyfriend in the supermarket. He’s never formally met the young boy since the brief glances 5 months ago when the young man rushed forward to help his bleeding boyfriend. But even without knowing him, he can tell that the boy he sees now is just a shell of how he used to be.

“Donghae.”

The brunette smirks at his name and turns towards the couple. “How are you Siwon-ssi?” He turns his eyes to the younger man trailing behind him. “And how are you?”

“He’s fine,” Siwon snaps, grabbing his boyfriend’s wrist tightly as if afraid he’ll run away. From the looks of it though, the boy is too far in to run away. When a ringtone cuts through the awkward silence between them, Siwon releases the wrist and commands for the young boy to stay there while he took the call.

After the taller man stalks away, Donghae closes in on the younger but taller man who shrinks away despite his height advantage. “What’s your name?”

The boy looks almost afraid to answer him, but eventually he stutters out, “K-Kyuhyun”.

“How old are you?”

“Nineteen.”

“Do you love him?” Kyuhyun nods. “I know you may think he hurts you because he loves him, but that’s not love at all. Before he kicked me out of my own apartment, he made me give up my dog, quit work, stop talking to my friends. He verbally and physically abused me. He raped me, and he’s probably gonna do the same to you if he already hasn’t. He even told me he didn’t love me. Do you think you’re any different to him?”

Kyuhyun grows more and more distressed as Donghae continues his speech and by the end he looks ready to cry or punch someone. Donghae would rather see the teenage give him a bloody lip than cry pathetically.

“He said he loves me,” Kyuhyun claims quietly. “I know he does, but he just gets angry sometimes.”

“Mmm, he’s using a new tactic these days.” Donghae smiles, but there’s no humor behind it. “If the relationship with your parents isn’t the best, falling in love with the first boy he says he will take care of you won’t make up for it. If you need help, I’ll be around alright?”

The boy is silent but seems to be listening, even though soon after Siwon calls for him, he scurries off to be by his side.

-

“Hyukjae!” The man unceremoniously enters the modest flat as he usually does and removes his shoes at the door. “Guess who I saw at t-“ he stops in his tracks upon entering the living room and seeing Hyukjae and Hyoyeon snuggling on their couch, staring at the intruder. “Oh… hello, Hyoyeon-ssi.” His amused expression quickly melted into a guarded smile at the sight.

Hyoyeon laughs slightly then smiles up at Donghae. “Oppa! There’s no need to address me so formally; you’re Donghae’s best friend, right?”

“Yeah…” Donghae’s eyes fall to the ground at his socked feet. Even after 5 months of marriage, he still hasn’t come face to face with Hyoyeon since the wedding. He had quickly memorized the woman’s work schedule, only daring to come over when he was sure she was gone. Any other time, Hyukjae would come over to his low-end studio apartment. “Ah… I’m sorry I interrupted. I’ll see myself out.”

“No need!” Hyoyeon speaks up. “I was just leaving for work. I’m actually a bit late, but Hyukjae pouted until I agreed to cuddle with him.” Hyukjae’s face is a mix of horror and embarrassment which has Hyoyeon laughing and giving him a quick peck on his lips. He’s still in a bit of a daze but manages to kiss her back before she stands up.

Donghae feels completely lost when he sees the look the couple share. The way Hyoyeon looks at Hyukjae like he’s her world. The way Hyukjae’s face is almost an exact mirror image. He remembers being at their wedding and hearing everyone say how good they look together. Yes, he agrees that they look a perfect couple, but they’re both beautiful people so they would look good with anyone. In his opinion, there’s nothing special about the two of them together.

A sudden weight around his neck makes him snap back into reality and he finds his arms full of Hyoyeon as she hugs him. “Don’t be a stranger, alright?” He lets out a quiet noise of confirmation, and she bounds out the door behind him.

Silence settles over them as Donghae continues to stand there, staring at nothing and wishing he felt empty. Emptiness would be better than the combination of betrayal, sadness, and jealousy he’s feeling.

“Donghae?” Hyukjae knows the situation is taking a downturn.

“We shouldn’t do this anymore. It’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to you because you’re in love with her.” He sits by the door and starts to pull on his shoes. He won’t cry. He won’t cry.

Hyukjae stands from his couch and stands behind the hunched figure. “Donghae-yah… I’m not in love with her. Yeah, I care about her a lot; she’s one of my best friends.” He crouches down behind the younger man and wraps his arms around his neck. “I love you.”

The brunette stiffens. “You haven’t told me that since you started seeing her.”

“I’m sorry… I really do love you, and I’m sorry for always hurting you. I just. I can’t live the way you want me. My parents want grandkids and as their only son, I can’t let them down.” He manages to pull his lover away from his shoes and turns him around to comfort him properly.

“So, you want to keep doing this when you have kids? I can’t do that, Hyukjae. Of course I would love them because they’re yours, but I would hate them because they’re hers.” It’s not that Donghae has anything against Hyoyeon, he’s barely spoken to her, and she seems nice enough. He’s just known since he was 14 that Hyukjae was the only person he would ever love, and he’d spent his life wanting the same in return.

The redhead tilts Donghae’s head up and gives him a brief peck. “I won’t have kids until you’re ready.” That’s not the answer he wants, but Donghae nods feebly and kisses Hyukjae again. “I love only you, okay?”

At this, Donghae cracks a small smile. “I love you, too.”

*~*~*~*~*

“Ahhh… sorry for disturbing you, Hyung, but I didn’t know where else to go.” Kyuhyun bows a full 90 degrees, almost dropping the bag on his shoulder in the process. When he returns to his full height, Donghae can properly take in the bloody split lip and bruised jaw.

Donghae steps aside to let the younger man into his apartment, taking note of the small amount of luggage he’s toting. “You left him?”

Kyuhyun nods. “I still love him, but I just. I couldn’t do it anymore, Hyung. You said I deserve better, and I know I do.” He leaves his things right inside the door and makes himself comfortable on Donghae’s mattress. “I’m not planning to stay here long. I just need somewhere to sleep before I can think of what I’m gonna do.” The older man is silent, but his action of moving Kyuhyun’s suitcase out of the way shows that he’s open to the arrangement.

The two men had bonded over the last few weeks while Donghae’s been feeling sorry for himself since Hyukjae’s been ignoring him lately. He had come across Kyuhyun again when he went to the store to pick up a few things, and the younger man was sitting outside the store waiting for him, despite the odd looks he was getting. They had bonded quickly, having shared the same abuse, and Donghae was determined to bring the light back to the teen’s eyes. Some days Kyuhyun would be back to the snarky brat he used to be, but most of the time he would just cry and justify the way he was treated.

So, of course he’s proud to hear that his friend realizes that he’s too good to be treated like shit, but it’s only a matter of time before Kyuhyun realizes that his savior is no better than he is.

Kyuhyun falls asleep almost immediately after lying down, leaving Donghae to his thoughts. He tries to figure out if he’s done something wrong in the past month to make Hyukjae ignore him. Every time he called or texted the older man, he would be told that the newlywed couple were spending time together after Hyoyeon took all her vacation days off.

Maybe this is fate’s way of telling him that he needed to move on from Hyukjae. But after being in love for 10 years, he was damaged. He barely defended himself and couldn’t stop chasing after a man who did nothing more than hurt him. The only person who put up with him for longer than a few months was Hyukjae.

He wants to tear his hair out at how he’s become the opposite of the hyper kid who always laughed and could spend hours playing soccer in his front yard. Maybe if he hadn’t come out in high school, he would be happier than he was right now. It would be so bad, he guesses, marrying and having children. He would have a normal relationship that wouldn’t get him kicked out of his parents’ home, and he and Hyukjae could continue whatever they had.

He needs to sleep too; his head’s about to explode. Knowing Kyuhyun won’t mind, he lies down next to him and falls into a light sleep.

-

A pounding on the front door wakes him up. He’s annoyed at the fact that the person can’t even bother to ring the doorbell and sits up slowly. Kyuhyun groans from his side and rolls over. “Who is that?” All formalities are dropped and his voice is laced with sleep.

“Ugh. Give me a second, alright? They probably have the wrong apartment.” The pounding on the front door persists as Donghae rolls off the mattress and slowly makes his way to the door. “Can I help you?” he asks as he opens the door.

When he blinks he’s lying on the ground, reeling from a punch to the side of his face. Before he can identify his attacker, the man is on him, landing another punch to his chest. He gasps, both from the punch and shock of who’s straddling his hips as he locks eyes with the redhead he’s been missing.

“Hyukjae, stop!” he screams as more punches rain on his torso. Instead of hitting back like his instincts tell him to, he’s blindly reaching for Hyukjae’s arms to hold them back. He barely notices Kyuhyun trying to pry the oldest away.

“Hyung! Hyung! I’m calling the police!” Kyuhyun stops futilely tugging on Hyukjae’s arms and scans his eyes over the room, looking for Donghae’s phone. Hyukjae uses one hand to pin Donghae’s arms over his head and grabs Kyuhyun’s arm.

“Leave,” he hisses. “I don’t know who you are, but I’m not against beating the shit out of you.”

Donghae shudders under Hyukjae. This is definitely not the man he’s known since he was five. He knows that he’s capable of hurting someone, but he’s never given a reason for Hyukjae to ever hit him. What could he have possibly done? “Leave, Kyuhyun,” he manages to choke out. Fresh out of an abusive relationship, Kyuhyun doesn’t need to see this.

“Hyung,” Kyuhyun whimpers.

“Kyuhyun-ah… please go; I’ll be fine.” They both know it’s a lie, but Kyuhyun nods and stumbles out of the apartment when Hyukjae releases him. After a few seconds filled with Hyukjae’s heavy breathing and Donghae trying his best to not cry, the redhead stands up and starts dragging the wounded man toward his bed. “What did I do? Hyukjae-yah. Don’t. You said you love me, remember? Don’t do this.”

He’s not really putting up a fight because being beat up is not something new to him but being beat up by Hyukjae is something he’s never even thought about. But Hyukjae’s real intentions become obvious when he’s pushed onto the bed and his shirt is forced over his head.

“NO! NO!” He starts kicking his legs and squirming to get off the bed. “STOP!” Hyukjae resumes his position of sitting on Donghae’s knees and once again pins his hands above his head. “Hyukjae, NO! This isn’t you; STOP!” He continues thrashing around, fighting off his body’s fatigue in order to defend himself better.

Another punch silences him for a second, but instead of staying quiet he stops struggling and starts begging.

“Please…” he’s half sobbing by now as his pants are pulled down just enough to be exposed. His hands are bounded by his own belt, and he starts to hit back with his trapped fists. “I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry!” he wails. “Hyukjae… please s-say something. Please…” He tries to catch Hyukjae’s eyes, but the older easily avoids them and delivers a stinging slap to the younger’s face.

“She knows,” is all he says before flipping Donghae over to his stomach, effectively trapping his hands under his body. His hips are lifted up and he struggles to move before a foreign object is shoved inside him. The object isn’t that large, maybe a little bigger than a finger, but the intrusion stings and stills him for a moment as he realizes that this is really happening.

Hyukjae’s going to rape him.

Normally, at this point he would be fighting harder to avoid being violated, but this time, he lies still. The side of him that’s so in love with the man on top of him tells him that Hyukjae would never intentionally hurt him. In a last ditch effort, he hopes that by going limp, Hyukjae will snap out of whatever he’s in and stop.

He’s so lost in his thoughts that he lets out a gasp of surprise when the object inside him is removed and he’s penetrated by something much bigger and real. His breaths are coming out in short bursts as he’s half-sobbing and trying to adjust to the feeling of being taken unprepared. The lubricate, some sort of lotion he supposes, is hardly one, and by the sounds coming from above him, it’s not entirely pleasing for Hyukjae. That doesn’t stop him though.

As his body rocks with the force of the thrusts he sobs miserably into the sheets and tugs at the restraint around his wrist. The third time around, being raped is a sickeningly familiar sensation. He feels like he’s being ripped from the inside out, and he knows he’s bleeding by how slick Hyukjae’s cock feels and sounds hammering and in out of him. It’s not enough to dull much of the pain he’s feeling, but it’s enough to allow him to focus on freeing his hands.

He has to stop his fist from instinctively curling from the pain. Once he relaxes them enough, he starts to pull on one wrist, thankful that Hyukjae’s not paying attention to his odd movements. It takes what feels like hours, but really it’s a few minutes, to free his wrist. Instead of immediately latching out, he waits. Waits for the right opportunity to start fighting where he has a chance to fend Hyukjae off long enough to call the police.

When Hyukjae pulls out of him, he sobs in relief, thinking that he’s done and will hopefully leave. He puts up no fight when he’s turned over to his back, and he stares up at the man he loves through a haze of tears. His hands lay uselessly by his head, his belt still looped around his left wrist.

He could tell from the rough material hitting the back of his legs that Hyukjae was still fully dressed, but he definitely didn’t expect to see blood staining his shirt and jeans. His blood. He gags when he looks down at Hyukjae’s hand that’s reapplying lotion to his still bloodied cock. Donghae lets out another sob, realizing that it’s not over.

His fist blindly hurls out in the general direction of the man in front of him, and he lets out a sound between a laugh and a scream when he hits flesh. Letting his guard down hurts him in the end though because Hyukjae quickly rebounds Donghae’s wrist with his belt again.

Grabbing his face tight enough to bruise, he leans down and hisses into Donghae’s ear, “Did you fight this hard before? Shouldn’t you be used to it by now?”

“I l-love you…” he sobs. “Please st-stop, I’m s-sorry.”

“I hate you.” He slams back into the younger man and Donghae screams and lets his fingers claw at each other. He only thrusts a few brutal times before he pulls out and tucks himself back into his jeans, still hard. “Fuck,” he mutters, looking at the blood on his clothes; he can’t leave like that.

Donghae lets his eyes slide close as Hyukjae moves around his closet, changing into clean clothes. His body hurts and he’s exhausted, but he’s too afraid to fall asleep not knowing what Hyukjae might do to him. He reopens his eyes and watches Hyukjae finish pulling on one of Donghae’s shirt. After a few second of brief eye contact, the redhead leaves the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Only when he’s sure Hyukjae’s gone, he lets out a loud scream that quickly dissolves into sobbing. His wrists try to free themselves from his belt but they’re sore and raw, which makes him cry louder. What had he done? Hadn’t he stopped being so clingy all the time?

The door reopens and Donghae stops breathing as he waits for Hyukjae to reenter. Instead, he’s met by the extremely worried face of Kyuhyun whose eyes widen when he sees his hyung.

“Hyung! Hyung…” he rushes across the room to Donghae and hesitates, not wanting to hurt him. “Should I call the police?”

“No…” Donghae lets out. “Just. Watch the door, okay? I just need a nap, and then we’ll talk.” Kyuhyun nods and cautiously runs a hand through his hyung’s hair.

They end up falling asleep side-by-side, Kyuhyun protectively holding onto Donghae despite the blood and sweat.

*~*~*~*~*

They never really get the chance to talk because Donghae spends the next two weeks in bed, only getting up to use the bathroom. Kyuhyun readily volunteers himself to take over at Donghae’s packing yard job. He spends the evening trying to coax his hyung to eat, which is always a losing battle.

Kyuhyun remembers falling into a depression the first time Siwon hit him. Being slapped made him realize exactly what situation he got himself into. He has a pity party for himself, resigning himself to what was bound to come.

If it wasn’t for Donghae, he would still be fooling himself into being in love with Siwon. Siwon didn’t love him. And he doesn’t think Hyukjae loves Donghae. How could anyone treat someone they love like that? He certainly wouldn’t treat Donghae like that.

But Donghae showed no sign of retaliating against Hyukjae. Not that he could in his depressed state. Hyukjae had finally broken him beyond repair.

*~*~*~*~*

Hyukjae shows up 3 days later at his front door with baggage and asks if he can live there.

Donghae doesn’t hesitate. “Of course.”

*~*~*~*~*

This is what he’s always wanted, he thinks. Lying down next to Hyukjae without any time restraints. Watching him sleep in the comfort of their own home. Of course the current situation isn’t exactly what he imagined then. Kyuhyun’s sleeping on a mat just on the other side of the room, and the present Donghae and Hyukjae aren’t really happy. In fact they’re both miserable.

Hyoyeon didn’t immediately tell Hyukjae the moment she found out about him and Donghae, and she wouldn’t tell him how she knew. He just knows that in the weeks before she confronted him, she started sticking to him often, in hopes that he wouldn’t go to Donghae.

She promised not to tell anyone about it, but she said it wasn’t fair that he drag her along so she wanted a divorce. Getting a divorce meant that he would have to eventually tell his parents about it. And while he could lie and marry again for his parents' benefit, Hyoyeon reasoned that it wasn’t fair if Hyukjae were to let another girl fall in love with him if he wouldn’t love her back.

The divorce part isn’t what drives him to attack Donghae though. It was his parents’ reaction that angered him to the point of wanting to hurt the love of his life. The whole event is mostly a blur but he remembers his mother sobbing and his father calling him a few gay slurs before the topic turned to Donghae. How it was that Lee Donghae’s fault for turning their son gay. How hanging around Donghae was a curse to anyone who dared to. How the world would be better without his kind influencing their society.

And Hyukjae wanted to believe him.

Ever since the first time he started looking at Hyukjae differently, he’d tried to find a reason for his feelings. He couldn’t be gay. It was something his parents had taught him was as good as committing a murder. But he had never really been attracted to men, just Donghae.

So, in his half-crazed state, all the bad things were Donghae’s fault. And he wanted to hurt him and he wanted it to hurt bad. And he did exactly what he knew would hurt Donghae.

Finally being out didn’t give him a feeling of relief. It made him feel like he failed at making something out of his life. For Donghae, loving Hyukjae was enough, but it wasn’t for him.

Hyukjae cried at his wedding, but he hasn’t cried since then. At least, not in front of Donghae. The latter, on the other hand, cries everyday for at least a couple of hours. There’s nothing Hyukjae can do to calm him, so he doesn’t. Kyuhyun spends those hours telling funny stories to his hyung or talking about the shipping yard job he took over.

Kyuhyun makes Donghae smile, but he doesn’t make his heart speed up when he kisses Donghae while Hyukjae’s at work. All he can do is crack a smile and tell Kyuhyun that he’s 10 years too late.

Hyukjae stirs and inhales deeply, indicating that he’s about to wake up. Donghae showers his face in kisses and snuggles closer to him. “Hey,” he whispers.

“Mmm.” The redhead opens his eyes and blinks a couple of times. “Watching me sleep again?”

Donghae grins and nods. “I used to watch you during sleepovers too, but that was usually so you would wake up and have sex with me.”

“So what do you want now?”

“Nothing. I just like knowing you’re here. You should stay home from work today.”

“I wish I could, but I can’t.” Hyukjae sits up and stretches his arms over his head. The bottom of his tank top lifts slightly and reveals a strip of smooth skin. Donghae lets his fingertips graze over the span and revels in how Hyukjae shivers. “We don’t want to be kicked out, right? When are you going back to work?”

“Tomorrow.” The answer is always the same everyday for the past two weeks, but they both know that Donghae will end up lying in bed for the majority of the day until Kyuhyun goes into work for him. “I love you,” he calls after Hyukjae, watching him walk into the bathroom to get ready. He gets a grunt in reply, which makes him frown.

Miserable apart. Miserable together. So, this is how their life will go on? He’s thought about moving far away ever since Hyukjae raped him, but he knows that he’ll end up driving himself crazy or killing himself if he were to do that. He may do just the same with Hyukjae though. There had to be a way fix things. Both of them couldn’t keep up like this much longer.

When Hyukjae emerges from the bathroom, Donghae attacks him with a hug and pushes him back into the room. “I’m gonna fix everything,” he mumbles into his shoulder. He hears Kyuhyun yawning in the other room so he closes the door behind them.

“Hmm? What are you talking about?” Hyukjae plants a kiss below Donghae’s ear and runs his hands down his side, despite that fact that he should be leaving in 5 minutes for work.

“You’re not happy, right?” The older man in silent. “Well, I’m not either, so there must be something we’re doing wrong. We can’t stay like this… I’m gonna fix this no matter what. Even if we have to move across the country or the world, we’re gonna be happy eventually.”

Hyukjae laughs and plays with the ends of Donghae’s shoulder-length brown hair. “You’re being ridiculous, Donghae. We’ll be fine. Every couple has their ups and downs.”

“All we have is downs.” With his index finger, he draws a shapeless pattern on Hyukjae’s chest. “Finally being with you doesn’t make me as happy as I originally thought it would. And before you give me some shit about leaving again, I’ve tried that and I’m just as miserable without. I can’t live knowing you’re out there and not with me; it’s selfish, I know.’

“No, no… I feel the same way. But doesn’t it sound ridiculous that we’re still doing this to each other?”

“But ridiculous is the definition of ‘HyukjaeandDonghae’. We’re meant to fight, hurt, and love each other until we die.” Donghae goes in for a kiss that’s eagerly returned.

“Until we die.”

*~*~*~*~*

Kyuhyun leans against the door as he fumbles with the key. After spending most of his day at work moving heavy furniture back and forth, he’s looking forward to passing out on his mat and sleeping as long as he could.

He’s aware of his hyung who’s most likely sleeping, home sick from work. Making sure he’s not waking him up, Kyuhyun peeks into the apartment at the mattress on the floor.

“Hyung?”

There’s so much blood.

So much that it’s starting to seep into the mattress, permanently staining it. The body lying on it is just as blood-soaked as the mattress, highlighting the pale skin. The scene is straight from a horror movie, in Kyuhyun’s opinion, as a few drops of cold blood drip down the mosaic splattered on the wall behind the makeshift bed.

Being the first time he’s every seen a dead body in person, judging by the hole in his hyung’s chest, he’s at a completely lost at what to do. He’s not sure how long he stands at the doorway, trembling and unable to let out a sound, but when the sight really sinks in, he stumbles to the mattress, stopping just short of a cold metal object on the ground.

He backs away from the weapon and bolts out of the apartment.

-

When he comes back to the apartment, approximately 20 minutes later, there are two figures lying on the mattress. The sight makes his heart jump into his throat again, but he’s just the tiniest bit relieved when he notices that the second figure is shaking and crying while his hand uselessly blots the fatal wound on his boyfriend’s chest.

A paramedic easily separates the living man from the dead while a handful of medics and officers surround the body, making a plan of action to remove it from the apartment. A few pictures are taken of the scene, but it’s just a precaution; the gun powder residue on the dead man’s fingers are a telltale sign of a suicide.

Kyuhyun stares at his crying hyung as the female paramedic tries to clean the blood off his hands. The older man is sitting oddly, leaning back into the couch, but his head is craned toward the bed. Kyuhyun doesn’t know what to say as his hyung cries himself to the point of passing out.

A policeman carrying a clipboard approaches him and awkwardly pats his shoulder. “I know this is a shock, Cho Kyuhyun-ssi, but I just need to ask a few identity questions for us to later confirm.” Kyuhyun nods stiffly. “Can you give me the deceased man’s name and maybe a date of birth?”

“Lee Hyukjae. 1986 April 4th.”

“Did you perhaps see this coming?”

“No, sir.”

*~*~*~*~*

Kyuhyun’s taken off-guard when Donghae pins him to the bloodstained mattress and licks a stripe along his jaw. The older man’s fingers work on running under Kyuhyun’s shirt, trying o take it off.

“Hyung?” Donghae silences him with a sloppy, wet kiss. Although this is something he’s wanted for a while, since leaving Siwon, everything is wrong about this situation. “Hyung,” he tries again. “It’s only been a week. You’re-“ he gasps when Donghae’s hand moves to rest over his crotch. “You’re not thinking right.”

“I won.” Donghae faintly replies, palming Kyuhyun through his pants.

“St-stop!” The younger man sits up abruptly and tries to hide his red face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about but doing this isn’t right; you’re hurting yourself. You’re hurting me.”

Donghae pushes Kyuhyun back on the mattress and unceremoniously undoes the youngest’s pants and pulls them down. “I won the last one.” His eyes are half-crazed and tears are threatening to fall as they have been since the funeral.

“I can win this one easily.”

1. This is SUPER un-beta'd because I just can't look at it anymore.
2. When I first started this months ago, I really liked it, but now I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
3. Ninja!WonKyu
4. This was supposed to be about 4000 words. It's not.
5. *disappears back into the shadows*