The Rain Hasn't Passed... The Storm's Just Starting [4/8]
Do you remember the last thing you said to me before I had to go away? You said that we would see each other again. You said that no matter what you would get me back. I hope you still mean it. I miss you a lot, Mikey.
I don’t like Daddy at all. He lets me out of my closet more now, but he makes me watch him eat. All the food looks so good… I wish I could eat some of it, but if I try to get some Daddy hits my hand and makes me go to my closet. I like staying in my closet a lot better than watching him eat. He makes me remember that my tummy hurts. It hurts so much, Mikey.
My pants are bigger than they used to be. I have to pull them up a lot so they stay up. I don’t think Daddy knows though because he hasn’t bought me more clothes. Whenever my clothes didn’t fit right, Mommy always got new ones. Daddy will too when he knows.
I look really different now. When I go to the bathroom I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I look like. Mommy used to cut my hair short, and you cut it sometimes. Daddy doesn’t cut it all so it’s long and dirty. My face is dirty to and has a mark on it because I use my jacket as a pillow and the buttons go into my cheek.
Mikey, I miss you so much. I miss you waking me up everyday and helping me take my bubble bath. I miss when we watched cartoons and ate cereal. I miss going to the park and playing on the swings. I miss you sleeping in my bed after you worked all day. And I miss you telling me you loved me. I love you, Mikey. I can’t wait to see you again.
Sleeping is really easy now. When my tummy hurts really bad I go to sleep really fast and don’t wake up for a long time. My head hurts a lot and everything gets really spiny, but all I have to do is close my eyes and I feel better when I wake up. I wake up in the shed a lot. I think Daddy moves me there when I’m asleep. People come to our house a lot, and I know he doesn’t want them to see me. I want to ask them for help, but I’m afraid that they will be like Daddy. Are there other people like him? If there are, I think it’s better if I stay in my closet forever.
Just walking makes me feel really tired. After I go to the bathroom and back to my closet, I go to sleep. I feel like I’m sick, but I don’t know why. I only get sick when I eat too fast or eat too much. When I did you always gave me something to make my tummy feel better. My tummy hurts way more than it ever did. Sometimes it hurts some much that I want to cry, but I don’t because Daddy won’t like it.
I know you will be happy for me, Mikey, when you come back. Daddy asks me only one time everyday what I want. He still wants me to name the food I want, but I couldn’t say it. I said your name though. I couldn’t say it fast like everyone else does, but I did it. Daddy looked at me for a long time after I said your name. I knew I was gonna get in trouble.
He yelled at me a lot. I don’t know how long he yelled, but it made me cry. When Daddy saw me crying, he grabbed my arm and dragged me out of my closet. We went through the house and outside to Daddy’s car. It was really dark outside, and I cried more because I didn’t know what was gonna happen to me. He pushed me into the backseat and got in front to drive.
Daddy yelled at me some more while he was driving. He said that he didn’t have any sons, and he told me to never say your name again. He told me if I didn’t learn from my mistake then, I wouldn’t know any better and I wouldn’t be able to stop being stupid.
I stopped crying when he stopped the car. I thought we had gotten back home, and I got out of the car. We weren’t home though. We were at one of those gas places, but it looked like no one had been there in forever. It scared me even more than I already was. I tried to get back in the car, but the door was locked. Daddy laughed and rolled down his window. He told me he would pick me back up in the morning and drove away.
What did I do, Mikey? Why can’t I say your name around Daddy? I don’t know why it’s so bad, but I won’t say it anymore. I don’t want to be stupid. I don’t want to make Daddy mad. I want Daddy to love me.
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