Kind of down... but hopeful!
I expected this to happen, but still I don't like being in it. Down days.
I did do very good things. I went for a walk with Solomon. We walked further than I had been walking with my mum lately, and I started to panic. It was a heavy one, too. I wanted to sit down as soon as possible so we sat down at the bench in sight. Solomon started talking to me about some important things regarding my condition and God, and after a while, I started to feel better and get calmer. It took quite a while, but it did happen. My complaints turned less intense and I got calmer. So much calmer, that before we left we took some nice pictures and I was relatively relaxed on the way back home. This was eye-opening to me, because this proves I could calm down inside the situation other than escaping in panic.
On Monday, I had to go see my haptonomist with my mother. I was scared of going because it was the first time going out somewhere like that since I had been doing pretty much nothing because of my worsened condition. I was tense and unsettled and felt unwell a lot, but it did not get out of hand, I did not go into a total state of panic. Score! Later that day, I actually went to the post office and a store and experienced complaints and slight panic again but I guess I had it under control again. Normal things to most others, victories for me.
So now, the past days, I feel worse again. More insecure, down, discouraged. However, something important has definitely changed. I know better days will come again. I am still hopeful. I am holding on to that hope inside of me. I KNOW I will get healed. It was promised to me. I will be okay. I need to trust God with all my heart. I am learning to do that a little bit every day. But saying this gives me a good feeling.
One thing that I don't like is that I keep encountering people that ask me whether I am taking meds for this and with me saying no say I should consider it. I get this really strong bad feeling... I feel like the devil is playing with me in times like that and sometimes even makes me think: maybe it is the only way. No! No way! I still believe they could do me more wrong than good and I am determined to do this without them! I just don't want to think of the horrible things they can do to me. And even when they start working they might change my emotions, the way I feel, the way I act. No, no way. It is very pressuring to me when people do that, especially my dad. It really stresses me out. I should try to stay calm about it and believe that I can convince them that I don't need them.
And now.. I got to pee ㅋㅋㅋ
I did do very good things. I went for a walk with Solomon. We walked further than I had been walking with my mum lately, and I started to panic. It was a heavy one, too. I wanted to sit down as soon as possible so we sat down at the bench in sight. Solomon started talking to me about some important things regarding my condition and God, and after a while, I started to feel better and get calmer. It took quite a while, but it did happen. My complaints turned less intense and I got calmer. So much calmer, that before we left we took some nice pictures and I was relatively relaxed on the way back home. This was eye-opening to me, because this proves I could calm down inside the situation other than escaping in panic.
On Monday, I had to go see my haptonomist with my mother. I was scared of going because it was the first time going out somewhere like that since I had been doing pretty much nothing because of my worsened condition. I was tense and unsettled and felt unwell a lot, but it did not get out of hand, I did not go into a total state of panic. Score! Later that day, I actually went to the post office and a store and experienced complaints and slight panic again but I guess I had it under control again. Normal things to most others, victories for me.
So now, the past days, I feel worse again. More insecure, down, discouraged. However, something important has definitely changed. I know better days will come again. I am still hopeful. I am holding on to that hope inside of me. I KNOW I will get healed. It was promised to me. I will be okay. I need to trust God with all my heart. I am learning to do that a little bit every day. But saying this gives me a good feeling.
One thing that I don't like is that I keep encountering people that ask me whether I am taking meds for this and with me saying no say I should consider it. I get this really strong bad feeling... I feel like the devil is playing with me in times like that and sometimes even makes me think: maybe it is the only way. No! No way! I still believe they could do me more wrong than good and I am determined to do this without them! I just don't want to think of the horrible things they can do to me. And even when they start working they might change my emotions, the way I feel, the way I act. No, no way. It is very pressuring to me when people do that, especially my dad. It really stresses me out. I should try to stay calm about it and believe that I can convince them that I don't need them.
And now.. I got to pee ㅋㅋㅋ