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[sephirah3]

I said in my last post that I would update when I was feeling happier. Well I'm not. I feel like absolute crap for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I'm sick. Secondly I'm tired...I didn't sleep a wink at all last night for reason 3. Thirdly, Damian doesn't want to date me anymore...he only wants to be my friend. I'm so very sad right now. I

Comments

[lousy_timing]

Sometimes I wish I could get all the people whose pain I understand together in one room so we could just look at each other and smile knowingly. It isn't the words we say- it is the knowledge that others have been there and survived that allow us to put on our best brave face and move forward.

Have you ever seen the movie Real Women Have Curves? I was so proud of the protagonist for choosing the young man she would lose her virginity to in the manner she did. It was a positive experience for both of them, and in the end, they were still friends. So, I'm proud of you, too, because you came away from your first sexual encounter with the same thing. Do you know how rare that is

[sephirah3]

Thank you so much for sticking by me. I guess I now have to realise how lucky I am to have experienced, learned and moved on. Sure, right now, I'm hurting, but that will get better as I get even more stronger.
As for the bipolar thing...that, I certainly can understand. Usually when something bad hits me, I fall to extremes with my emotions even though I'm on mood stabilizers. Surprsingly enough this time I didn't fall apart. I too am a control freak...and am constantly looking for perfection. Only now I realise that perfection really doesn't exist, it's something I've been striving for for so long but I will never obtain. I have to learn to be and have the best there can be for me, nothing more, nothing less.
With time, things will bet better.
Thanks sweet.

[sephirah3]

Chris,
you're an absolute Gem. And you're 100% right, I'm not at fault and as the saying goes, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Sure, he may have been a pretty great fish, there's always a better one. And the guy that finally does win my heart and hold onto it will be very lucky because it is my dream to love someone with all that I am, unconditionally, and will be loved in return. I said to Damian the other night, when I was feeling really hurt that I didn't believe in fairytales...I think I lied. Perhaps I was just too down to realise what I really believe.
Things will get better, they have to.

Love

Michelle

[saddest_smile]

"I know there are other guys out there for me, better guys, but I can't help my feelings for him."

There's a critical, and often painful difference between knowing and feeling. The knowing helps...it gives strength and possibility for the future, but it does jack for the present.

*hugs* take care of yourself. This will pass--you already know that. It's just getting through the hell now...

Don't neglect yourself, or your needs. You've been handling this REALLY maturally and rationally...I'm proud of you for that. But at the same time...give yourself time to heal.

I wish I could say something that might help...but i've experienced just enough to know that my words can do very little for you right now. Take care.

[sephirah3]

Hi sweet,
I haven't heard from you in AGES. How are you going?
You are right, I do have hope for the future, but right now everything pretty much sucks. I'm just hurting, and it's all come at the wrong time, with me leaving work and everything.
Things will get better - I have a plan to make me happy for me...that's what I'm going to put my time and energy into.

I would love to talk to you more, keep in touch.

Michelle

[sosuicidal666]

Oh Meow... :-( , i'm sorry for your loss, it's funny how things happen to us almost at the same time, my boyfriend is about to brake up with me too, he hasn't the guts to do it though, he's just acting weird you know, but you just see it coming, i hate to feel like this, and i just wish i could be emotionless, and not feel anything everytime this happens, by the way, i haven't had sex either, i'm 21, and all my friends know, they don't question me though, i guess the only thing i'm happy with is that, that i didn't sleep with him if he breaks up with me, i'd be even more painfull if something like that happens and then he leaves me, i'd feel like something was stolen from me, i just want it to end up soon, expectation is killing me, is like, is he's gonna do it, he should do it fast

[sephirah3]

Hey Melissa

[sosuicidal666]

Thanks hun, and believe there'll be one that will love you just the way you are, i lie to believe there is one, it's what keeps me going you know.

[arwen8]

I am so sorry to read all this. And i know how deep the whole is. But its good to read that you can cope with it. Good luck

[sephirah3]

Hi Arwen,
I believe in many ways making love was a great turning point in my life. In a strange way, I didn't feel grotesque anymore. I though that another person could see beauty in my naked body...they body that has brought me so much pain and suffering. So, for that reason, I don't regret it. Twice in my life, a man found my body beautiful enough to touch it and love it. And that's a positive. In all honest, I don't believe I have orgasmed, the sex was good, but I didn't see fireworks or anything! Strange thing is, I'm going to miss his kisses. Truth of the matter is though, he never was really touchy-feely with me, and personally, where I'm at in my life now, I need someone who can be very affectionate with me. It's ok though, I will get through this, with the love of my friends, anything is possible.
Thanks again,

Michelle