(no subject)
The location changed slightly as the time trudged steadily on. It had dumped Gojyo in one of the beds that stood in the room he and Hakkai would be occupying tonight. How he had managed to get from the not-so-steady barstool all the way up the steps, down the corridor, through the door and onto the bed was a mystery to both the kappa and the surrounding world. But then again, he wasn’t drunk so often for nothing.
He lay on top of the sheets, body sprawled over it as if somebody had dropped his body like a rag doll. A cigarette dangled precariously from the fingers of his outstretched arm, half of it smouldering ashes that threatened to follow gravity and make a rather ugly stain on the sheets.
Heh - Hakkai would probably cluck his tongue in a slightly disapproving way if he saw it. Not that he’d say anything - oh, no. It’d be all mask-smiles and a kind, teacher-like voice remarking that the sheets did look better when being stain-free. The fact that it wasn’t even their sheets would be a minor detail, Gojyo was sure of it.
Their sheets - that sounded like they really were sleeping together. The half-breed slung the arm that wasn’t occupied with the cancer stick across his forehead and groaned quietly. It seemed that no matter what he tried, there was no way out of this train of thought. He was on his way to getting drunk when this little conundrum presented itself in the first place. Smoking did nothing but calm his nerves, though that effect seemed to have evaporated this night. He had even tried hitting on some of the very...pretty girls around the bar. They all seemed interested in him, too, but his mind was distracted and his heart wasn’t really in it, so he had stopped before he had even gotten as far as having them on his lap.
Needless to say, it put him in something of a bad mood. None of his usual pastimes that he loved so well seemed able to do the trick. The kappa sighed deeply, if perhaps a little overdramatic, and sat up slowly. Leaning his back against the wall, he sighed again and closed his eyes. It was seemingly not for him to enjoy himself tonight, so he guessed he might as well go through the things plaguing his brain.
Gah - he was starting to sound like Hakkai himself now. The red-haired man tipped his head back and let out another groan. He wasn’t meant to think, damn it. Hakkai dealt with that. The former teacher was the brains of the outfit while Goku was the brawns, Sanzo the moods - though they were fairly limited, the half-breed had to admit - and he, Sha Gojyo, was the looks. He was not meant to go all ponder-ish.
That didn’t sound right. The kappa’s brow furrowed in the kind of concentration that can only be found with drunks, who suddenly find some minor detail very important. Then, being the seasoned booze-lover that he was, his head cleared a bit and he shrugged. Whatever.
But back on track. If he could get this business with his best friend out of his head he could go back to his usual ways. Heck, perhaps he could even go back to having a good, booze-induced sleep.
So…the green-eyed man meant a lot to him. Ch - went without saying, really, didn’t it? But beyond that there was something…more to it. It was hard to explain, really. But he had to try, didn’t he? At least to himself. If he didn’t get this sorted, how could he face his friend without being awkward ever again? And if there was one thing he did not want it was for things to get awkward between Hakkai and him.
But unless he got to the conclusion that he really only did like the man-turned-demon as a friend - though a very close one - how could it not be awkward?
Gojyo groaned a little louder than before. He really shouldn’t get ahead of himself because why would he get to any other conclusion than that? He was straight as an arrow, after all, so why should he even consider it?
His head slid forward slowly and then fell back against the wall a lot quicker than the forward motion. Apparently his brain really hated him tonight. When he really wanted to just drown out everything with the pleasant blanket of alcohol - perhaps accompanied by something more soft and curvy later on - his mind stayed annoyingly clear and focused…on something he really didn’t want to dwell on, too. Then, when he finally gave up and tried to make a pass at finding the deeper meaning of it all, his mind decided to play imbibed on him. Beautiful, wasn’t it?
Well, he had to figure it out before his roommate deemed it time to turn in for the night, which would probably be in not too long, knowing the ever so practical and considerate Hakkai. He’d politely wait until he thought Gojyo was either in female company somewhere that was not their shared inn-room or drunkenly snoring facedown on his bed for the night before making his way to their shared room. The green-eyed man could be eerily considerate like that. Sometimes the redhead had the feeling that Hakkai would rather walk around a mountain than disturb anything on it, including the rock itself, by climbing it.
So…he had feelings for the former teacher. Went without saying - but did he have more than friendly feelings for him? Like…serious?
For a guy, Hakkai was quite attractive, the hanjyuu had to admit that. Eyes the most brilliant shade of green with a wide range of emotions, if one knew how to look. Long legs, flat stomach, toned body. Long, elegant hands, broad shoulders, smooth skin. Gojyo didn’t need to imagine this. He knew it. After all, he had stuffed the guy’s guts back inside him and then played nurse for him a month after that. To not learn a thing or two about the guy’s body by then would not be a miracle, it’d be downright impossible.
But it couldn’t be just the physical aspect. If that was it, there were many girls - and guys - out there who was just as attractive as the healer. Well, perhaps not, but close to, anyway…perhaps…
A red-haired head banged against the wall once more. Gah - now he sounded like one of those clinging girls his bedmates sometimes turned out to be. Or worse - a schoolgirl with a crush on their young teacher. Never mind the fact that Hakkai used to be a teacher back in the day.
Try as he might, though, the notion that his friend was far more attractive than many - alright, almost all - of his “companions” would not dislodge itself and go away once it had shown its, in Gojyo’s immediate opinion, none-too-pretty face.
Shit. This could leave him in serious trouble. He…found Hakkai attractive - and not in a observation-neutral-macho kind of way. Nope. Of course he found him attractive in a I-wanna-kiss-you-senseless-and-do-other-not-quite-PG-rated-things-to-you kind of way. Go figure. If nothing else, when Sha Gojyo was out of his depth, he went out to the Marianas Trench with a deadweight around his neck. Might as well do it properly when there was no alternative, after all after all.
The hanjyuu flicked the smouldering remains of his cigarette and ran a hand through his hear a bit forcefully. Of course, what he really wanted to do was roar and beat the crap out of something. But he couldn’t do that, now could he? He couldn’t beat up innocent people. A bar-brawl might do, if not for the fact he’d already gone to his room. He fought with Goku and Sanzo, sure, but that was just for…kicks, as it were. To engage in a real fight with them would not be a good idea. Smashing the furniture would only make his roommate come running…bad idea. So he had to settle for something none-violent. Just his bloody luck, wasn’t it?
But…there was a point in his earlier train of thought, though he had to concentrate to keep a hold on it, still somewhat drunk as he was. If it really was only physical attraction, then there were others out there. They weren’t Hakkai, sure, but they were just as attractive, in their own way.
Besides, he would never jump his best friend just for a lay. Not only would there be the whole awkwardness about it afterwards - if indeed the man-turned-demon would agree to it in the first place - it would not feel right. He’d feel like he was exploiting the man and feel like he was throwing their friendship down the drain. He would not do something so utterly stupid. He could not do something so totally, utterly stupid. He respected Hakkai too much for that. Hell, he loved Hakkai too much for that.
Red eyes went as wide as they would go and then they scrunched up so hard they must have squeezed out some eyelashes.. Shit! That word again…shit and double-shit!
There really was no way around it, was there? Try as he might - and lord know that he’d tried very hard the last couple of hours - it would not stop staring him in the face, grinning like a Cheshire-cat with a death wish. As unavoidable as Goku moaning “I’m hungry” or Sanzo fishing out either the harisen or the gun out of his robe when irritated. As impossible as the monk finding a girl, as large as the pile of dishes the monkey left after a meal, as true as the fact that they were all friends, even though nobody would admit it.
The constantly pestering part of his brain, which was undoubtedly the one that brought up the problem in the first place, seemed to be snickering at him for not realizing this sooner. Of course he loved the guy that had been his roommate for three years, it said.
Gojyo considered this quietly, having, though regrettably, given up arguing in his manly denial. Well, sort of manly, anyway. Though considering anything was getting harder, as the ethanol in his body was going to the stage where everything gets a bit thick and slightly fuzzy, making it harder to concentrate.
Hakkai was not only attractive. He was kind, caring, strong, self-dependant. He was never clingy, never whiny and never ever controlling. What was more, he put up with the redhead without a fuss. He cleaned; he bore out trash; he cooked; he went shopping; he even took care of and tucked his roomie in when he came home drunk as a skunk and quite unable to handle himself. Neither did he complain when the kappa left his dirty, sex-stinking clothes all over the places, let the ash-trays overflow or was generally being a giant pig. The most he ever got out of him was something like a clicking of his tongue or a mild-toned “Please do remember that trash day is tomorrow.”
In short, you might say that Hakkai took Gojyo as he was; at face value. He didn’t expect or demand anything of him and he never tried to control and change him. No, the brunette accepted him just as he was, with every single fault. How many people - how many girls - could or would he ever be able to say that about?
The redhead lay back down on the way too hard mattress. He glanced at the other bed and the things lying neatly on top of it - how very typical of the monocled man - and then he had a staring contest with the ceiling.
So…he loved Hakkai. His roomie, his comrade, his best friend…his male best friend. This was not good. No, bloody scratch that. This was as bad as it could possibly get.
Never mind the fact that he was the womaniser and supposed to be straight as an arrow. He could deal with that later, when it bothered him, if ever it would. Somehow he wasn’t very sure it would. Never mind the fact that he had apparently been in denial for the gods only knew how long as well.
Well, the problem was that their healer was as straight as could be - Gojyo tried to ignore the small, grating voice, sounding suspiciously like Sanzo, telling him that so was he up until a few hours ago, apparently - and that he’d be intolerably nice about it if the water sprite was ever to confess anything.
A soft lip was chewed furiously. What a situation he had landed himself in! To be in love with his best friend, who could never return that love in other than a platonic way. He was still in love with and mourned over his Kanan. Even on the remote chance that he could swing that way - perhaps with a bit of persuasion from a certain red-eyed man - there was no chance in Hell that the kappa could take her place in his heart.
The hanjyuu wasn’t even going to try. He might not have known Kanan, but it would be disrespecting her memory to do anything, unless the man-turned-demon let her go - and then Gojyo might as well become a monk, because that’d never happen.
But…wait a minute. Hadn’t this whole self-search-thing started because he’d been afraid Hakkai would leave - with a woman? If the brunette couldn’t let go of his love, he wouldn’t settle down with anybody, man or woman, would he?
Yet he had roomed with the redhead for over 3 years and had happily taken care of chores and the other occupant of their home. If that wasn’t settling down, then what was?
But…perhaps he’d be able to find somebody resembling Kanan so much he could live with it. That he could, perhaps, forget it wasn’t her. Perhaps that was his goal in welcoming the advances of some of the girls they’d met on this journey.
The pestering little voice had to comment that it could also be that the green-eyed man really was moving on at long last and was looking for somebody to love. That Gojyo could be that very person. After all, he…
This time, the hanjyuu squashed the little voice quite firmly. No. That would be out of character for his friend. He had spent 3 years mourning - the redhead knew the brunette was mourning, even if he hid it behind fake, gentle smiles and humming doing chores - so the chance of him getting over it, the former womaniser estimated, was equivalent to Goku not being hungry. Yet he couldn’t just let his best friend sail out of his life, could he?
In another bout of drunken logic - why did that alcohol’s effects have to come in waves, anyway? - he was up from the bed and hurtling towards the door in at matter of seconds. However he managed to in his state will forever be a mystery. His mind was focused on one thought - he mustn’t let Hakkai go. He should stay. Hakkai shouldn’t go…no, stay…don’t go…stay…
However, after reaching the door and scratching furiously, yet futilely at it - the concept of a doorknob was a minor, unimportant detail at the moment - for a bit, the logical part, which he’d swear he didn’t have, kicked in again and he sunk to the floor in a exhausted heap.
No. He couldn’t keep his friend with him if he wanted to settle down with some girl. He couldn’t make him see why he shouldn’t go - what the hell would he say? Hakkai, you can’t go, because…because I love you, man, more than that bitch ever could. Hah! That’d go down swell.
He couldn’t make Hakkai love him.
Gojyo buried his head in his hands, though no tears leaked out. He was a man, after all, and he wouldn’t cry. Not now, not ever. But that didn’t mean he could not be miserable and miserable he was at that moment.
…everything I’ve done I’ve done for you…
TBC
Next time, we're shifting to Hakkai, so stay tuned.
He lay on top of the sheets, body sprawled over it as if somebody had dropped his body like a rag doll. A cigarette dangled precariously from the fingers of his outstretched arm, half of it smouldering ashes that threatened to follow gravity and make a rather ugly stain on the sheets.
Heh - Hakkai would probably cluck his tongue in a slightly disapproving way if he saw it. Not that he’d say anything - oh, no. It’d be all mask-smiles and a kind, teacher-like voice remarking that the sheets did look better when being stain-free. The fact that it wasn’t even their sheets would be a minor detail, Gojyo was sure of it.
Their sheets - that sounded like they really were sleeping together. The half-breed slung the arm that wasn’t occupied with the cancer stick across his forehead and groaned quietly. It seemed that no matter what he tried, there was no way out of this train of thought. He was on his way to getting drunk when this little conundrum presented itself in the first place. Smoking did nothing but calm his nerves, though that effect seemed to have evaporated this night. He had even tried hitting on some of the very...pretty girls around the bar. They all seemed interested in him, too, but his mind was distracted and his heart wasn’t really in it, so he had stopped before he had even gotten as far as having them on his lap.
Needless to say, it put him in something of a bad mood. None of his usual pastimes that he loved so well seemed able to do the trick. The kappa sighed deeply, if perhaps a little overdramatic, and sat up slowly. Leaning his back against the wall, he sighed again and closed his eyes. It was seemingly not for him to enjoy himself tonight, so he guessed he might as well go through the things plaguing his brain.
Gah - he was starting to sound like Hakkai himself now. The red-haired man tipped his head back and let out another groan. He wasn’t meant to think, damn it. Hakkai dealt with that. The former teacher was the brains of the outfit while Goku was the brawns, Sanzo the moods - though they were fairly limited, the half-breed had to admit - and he, Sha Gojyo, was the looks. He was not meant to go all ponder-ish.
That didn’t sound right. The kappa’s brow furrowed in the kind of concentration that can only be found with drunks, who suddenly find some minor detail very important. Then, being the seasoned booze-lover that he was, his head cleared a bit and he shrugged. Whatever.
But back on track. If he could get this business with his best friend out of his head he could go back to his usual ways. Heck, perhaps he could even go back to having a good, booze-induced sleep.
So…the green-eyed man meant a lot to him. Ch - went without saying, really, didn’t it? But beyond that there was something…more to it. It was hard to explain, really. But he had to try, didn’t he? At least to himself. If he didn’t get this sorted, how could he face his friend without being awkward ever again? And if there was one thing he did not want it was for things to get awkward between Hakkai and him.
But unless he got to the conclusion that he really only did like the man-turned-demon as a friend - though a very close one - how could it not be awkward?
Gojyo groaned a little louder than before. He really shouldn’t get ahead of himself because why would he get to any other conclusion than that? He was straight as an arrow, after all, so why should he even consider it?
His head slid forward slowly and then fell back against the wall a lot quicker than the forward motion. Apparently his brain really hated him tonight. When he really wanted to just drown out everything with the pleasant blanket of alcohol - perhaps accompanied by something more soft and curvy later on - his mind stayed annoyingly clear and focused…on something he really didn’t want to dwell on, too. Then, when he finally gave up and tried to make a pass at finding the deeper meaning of it all, his mind decided to play imbibed on him. Beautiful, wasn’t it?
Well, he had to figure it out before his roommate deemed it time to turn in for the night, which would probably be in not too long, knowing the ever so practical and considerate Hakkai. He’d politely wait until he thought Gojyo was either in female company somewhere that was not their shared inn-room or drunkenly snoring facedown on his bed for the night before making his way to their shared room. The green-eyed man could be eerily considerate like that. Sometimes the redhead had the feeling that Hakkai would rather walk around a mountain than disturb anything on it, including the rock itself, by climbing it.
So…he had feelings for the former teacher. Went without saying - but did he have more than friendly feelings for him? Like…serious?
For a guy, Hakkai was quite attractive, the hanjyuu had to admit that. Eyes the most brilliant shade of green with a wide range of emotions, if one knew how to look. Long legs, flat stomach, toned body. Long, elegant hands, broad shoulders, smooth skin. Gojyo didn’t need to imagine this. He knew it. After all, he had stuffed the guy’s guts back inside him and then played nurse for him a month after that. To not learn a thing or two about the guy’s body by then would not be a miracle, it’d be downright impossible.
But it couldn’t be just the physical aspect. If that was it, there were many girls - and guys - out there who was just as attractive as the healer. Well, perhaps not, but close to, anyway…perhaps…
A red-haired head banged against the wall once more. Gah - now he sounded like one of those clinging girls his bedmates sometimes turned out to be. Or worse - a schoolgirl with a crush on their young teacher. Never mind the fact that Hakkai used to be a teacher back in the day.
Try as he might, though, the notion that his friend was far more attractive than many - alright, almost all - of his “companions” would not dislodge itself and go away once it had shown its, in Gojyo’s immediate opinion, none-too-pretty face.
Shit. This could leave him in serious trouble. He…found Hakkai attractive - and not in a observation-neutral-macho kind of way. Nope. Of course he found him attractive in a I-wanna-kiss-you-senseless-and-do-other-not-quite-PG-rated-things-to-you kind of way. Go figure. If nothing else, when Sha Gojyo was out of his depth, he went out to the Marianas Trench with a deadweight around his neck. Might as well do it properly when there was no alternative, after all after all.
The hanjyuu flicked the smouldering remains of his cigarette and ran a hand through his hear a bit forcefully. Of course, what he really wanted to do was roar and beat the crap out of something. But he couldn’t do that, now could he? He couldn’t beat up innocent people. A bar-brawl might do, if not for the fact he’d already gone to his room. He fought with Goku and Sanzo, sure, but that was just for…kicks, as it were. To engage in a real fight with them would not be a good idea. Smashing the furniture would only make his roommate come running…bad idea. So he had to settle for something none-violent. Just his bloody luck, wasn’t it?
But…there was a point in his earlier train of thought, though he had to concentrate to keep a hold on it, still somewhat drunk as he was. If it really was only physical attraction, then there were others out there. They weren’t Hakkai, sure, but they were just as attractive, in their own way.
Besides, he would never jump his best friend just for a lay. Not only would there be the whole awkwardness about it afterwards - if indeed the man-turned-demon would agree to it in the first place - it would not feel right. He’d feel like he was exploiting the man and feel like he was throwing their friendship down the drain. He would not do something so utterly stupid. He could not do something so totally, utterly stupid. He respected Hakkai too much for that. Hell, he loved Hakkai too much for that.
Red eyes went as wide as they would go and then they scrunched up so hard they must have squeezed out some eyelashes.. Shit! That word again…shit and double-shit!
There really was no way around it, was there? Try as he might - and lord know that he’d tried very hard the last couple of hours - it would not stop staring him in the face, grinning like a Cheshire-cat with a death wish. As unavoidable as Goku moaning “I’m hungry” or Sanzo fishing out either the harisen or the gun out of his robe when irritated. As impossible as the monk finding a girl, as large as the pile of dishes the monkey left after a meal, as true as the fact that they were all friends, even though nobody would admit it.
The constantly pestering part of his brain, which was undoubtedly the one that brought up the problem in the first place, seemed to be snickering at him for not realizing this sooner. Of course he loved the guy that had been his roommate for three years, it said.
Gojyo considered this quietly, having, though regrettably, given up arguing in his manly denial. Well, sort of manly, anyway. Though considering anything was getting harder, as the ethanol in his body was going to the stage where everything gets a bit thick and slightly fuzzy, making it harder to concentrate.
Hakkai was not only attractive. He was kind, caring, strong, self-dependant. He was never clingy, never whiny and never ever controlling. What was more, he put up with the redhead without a fuss. He cleaned; he bore out trash; he cooked; he went shopping; he even took care of and tucked his roomie in when he came home drunk as a skunk and quite unable to handle himself. Neither did he complain when the kappa left his dirty, sex-stinking clothes all over the places, let the ash-trays overflow or was generally being a giant pig. The most he ever got out of him was something like a clicking of his tongue or a mild-toned “Please do remember that trash day is tomorrow.”
In short, you might say that Hakkai took Gojyo as he was; at face value. He didn’t expect or demand anything of him and he never tried to control and change him. No, the brunette accepted him just as he was, with every single fault. How many people - how many girls - could or would he ever be able to say that about?
The redhead lay back down on the way too hard mattress. He glanced at the other bed and the things lying neatly on top of it - how very typical of the monocled man - and then he had a staring contest with the ceiling.
So…he loved Hakkai. His roomie, his comrade, his best friend…his male best friend. This was not good. No, bloody scratch that. This was as bad as it could possibly get.
Never mind the fact that he was the womaniser and supposed to be straight as an arrow. He could deal with that later, when it bothered him, if ever it would. Somehow he wasn’t very sure it would. Never mind the fact that he had apparently been in denial for the gods only knew how long as well.
Well, the problem was that their healer was as straight as could be - Gojyo tried to ignore the small, grating voice, sounding suspiciously like Sanzo, telling him that so was he up until a few hours ago, apparently - and that he’d be intolerably nice about it if the water sprite was ever to confess anything.
A soft lip was chewed furiously. What a situation he had landed himself in! To be in love with his best friend, who could never return that love in other than a platonic way. He was still in love with and mourned over his Kanan. Even on the remote chance that he could swing that way - perhaps with a bit of persuasion from a certain red-eyed man - there was no chance in Hell that the kappa could take her place in his heart.
The hanjyuu wasn’t even going to try. He might not have known Kanan, but it would be disrespecting her memory to do anything, unless the man-turned-demon let her go - and then Gojyo might as well become a monk, because that’d never happen.
But…wait a minute. Hadn’t this whole self-search-thing started because he’d been afraid Hakkai would leave - with a woman? If the brunette couldn’t let go of his love, he wouldn’t settle down with anybody, man or woman, would he?
Yet he had roomed with the redhead for over 3 years and had happily taken care of chores and the other occupant of their home. If that wasn’t settling down, then what was?
But…perhaps he’d be able to find somebody resembling Kanan so much he could live with it. That he could, perhaps, forget it wasn’t her. Perhaps that was his goal in welcoming the advances of some of the girls they’d met on this journey.
The pestering little voice had to comment that it could also be that the green-eyed man really was moving on at long last and was looking for somebody to love. That Gojyo could be that very person. After all, he…
This time, the hanjyuu squashed the little voice quite firmly. No. That would be out of character for his friend. He had spent 3 years mourning - the redhead knew the brunette was mourning, even if he hid it behind fake, gentle smiles and humming doing chores - so the chance of him getting over it, the former womaniser estimated, was equivalent to Goku not being hungry. Yet he couldn’t just let his best friend sail out of his life, could he?
In another bout of drunken logic - why did that alcohol’s effects have to come in waves, anyway? - he was up from the bed and hurtling towards the door in at matter of seconds. However he managed to in his state will forever be a mystery. His mind was focused on one thought - he mustn’t let Hakkai go. He should stay. Hakkai shouldn’t go…no, stay…don’t go…stay…
However, after reaching the door and scratching furiously, yet futilely at it - the concept of a doorknob was a minor, unimportant detail at the moment - for a bit, the logical part, which he’d swear he didn’t have, kicked in again and he sunk to the floor in a exhausted heap.
No. He couldn’t keep his friend with him if he wanted to settle down with some girl. He couldn’t make him see why he shouldn’t go - what the hell would he say? Hakkai, you can’t go, because…because I love you, man, more than that bitch ever could. Hah! That’d go down swell.
He couldn’t make Hakkai love him.
Gojyo buried his head in his hands, though no tears leaked out. He was a man, after all, and he wouldn’t cry. Not now, not ever. But that didn’t mean he could not be miserable and miserable he was at that moment.
…everything I’ve done I’ve done for you…
TBC
Next time, we're shifting to Hakkai, so stay tuned.