A Letter to Jaime
I know you said no contact, but to hell with it. I'm losing it here. Officially, really truly losing it. Help, please.
Every time I feel anything, I get this giant emptiness in the middle of my chest. It happened after the accident. I just felt empty; I didn't even notice how cold it was. It went away for about a week. Then, I got the worst blow of all. My best friend in the world, the guy who I wanted to marry when I got old enough and established, told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore with that prospect in mind. I found that out at four in the morning and felt a giant hole in my chest. And I felt sick for the rest of the day. It was the worst.
I feel that ache most days now. What's worse is the stomach pains from swollen lymph nodes in my gut. And I'm supposed to eat and gain weight with all this? It's not fun.
That's not the worst part though. The worst part was something you're probably going to hate me for. It's something that unnerves me more than anything that's happened so far.
It's a dream. It started out with hanging out with you. You didn't really look like you, but I knew it was you. We were running around a zoo or a park or something. Then, I saw my parents. I left you on this walkway behind a stone wall and went to talk to them. Then I told them I was gonna go hang out with a friend. You tried to come out from behind the wall, but I shook my head at you. Then, I went back to you and we went somewhere, a bedroom with a dark reddish-pink comforter. We looked at some page on a red laptop. (Here's the part that you're gonna hate me for.) I set it aside and then kissed you. It wasn't anything crazy, no tongue or anything. Just a kiss. Then, I pulled away to ask a question. Then I woke up.
That morning, I saw you in your little cube. (Seriously, those cars are as aerodynamic as elephants; why do you own one?) The rest of the day, I thought about that unnerving little lesbian dream. I like boys. I like boy things. So why did I have a lesbian dream? About you of all people? I mean, seriously. What is up with that? I can't be a lesbian. There's nothing wrong with it, but I don't have the makings of a lesbian. I've been reading the SiP pocket books as of late (they have them at the county library by my school) and Francine didn't have the makings of a lesbian (see the closet scene) but she was. Does this mean anything or am I just wigging out for no good reason?
My parents' divorce is making me lose it. I don't know what to do about custody, they both insist on me learning to snow drive, I can't understand they're thoughts, and my head is is ready to explode constantly. Then, my boyfriend likes me. A lot. And I like him, but he's not the greatest when it comes to being consistently nice or even not an asshole to me. He didn't get me anything for my birthday because he couldn't think of anything to get me. I mean, seriously?! He's sprained my wrist. It's a complicated story. And he doesn't seem to get me at all.
You remember that angry, messed up kid from '08? She's coming back, in part. I still have that same ability to get super angry and straight bitch people out. A girl said I wasn't pro-life and was hypocritical for going to DC for the Walk for Life because I was on the pill and (you might as well know) I did it with my boyfriend. I fumed for 20 minutes, then told her that wasn't why I was on the pill; I have PMDD that makes me physically ill and just evil EVIL. I don't even trust my pill. At all. So now the people at my new school have seen angry Laura. It wasn't pretty.
I can't stand the way things are right now. I really want that couch, just for a few days to sit and think things out. But that can't happen, can it? All I know is I might lose it soon. I've done a lot of stupid things so far, let's see how much more stupid I get. I know that I've messed up. But can you help? Can you at least tell me that I'm the tiniest bit normal with all this? I don't want to be different right now.
-L
Every time I feel anything, I get this giant emptiness in the middle of my chest. It happened after the accident. I just felt empty; I didn't even notice how cold it was. It went away for about a week. Then, I got the worst blow of all. My best friend in the world, the guy who I wanted to marry when I got old enough and established, told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore with that prospect in mind. I found that out at four in the morning and felt a giant hole in my chest. And I felt sick for the rest of the day. It was the worst.
I feel that ache most days now. What's worse is the stomach pains from swollen lymph nodes in my gut. And I'm supposed to eat and gain weight with all this? It's not fun.
That's not the worst part though. The worst part was something you're probably going to hate me for. It's something that unnerves me more than anything that's happened so far.
It's a dream. It started out with hanging out with you. You didn't really look like you, but I knew it was you. We were running around a zoo or a park or something. Then, I saw my parents. I left you on this walkway behind a stone wall and went to talk to them. Then I told them I was gonna go hang out with a friend. You tried to come out from behind the wall, but I shook my head at you. Then, I went back to you and we went somewhere, a bedroom with a dark reddish-pink comforter. We looked at some page on a red laptop. (Here's the part that you're gonna hate me for.) I set it aside and then kissed you. It wasn't anything crazy, no tongue or anything. Just a kiss. Then, I pulled away to ask a question. Then I woke up.
That morning, I saw you in your little cube. (Seriously, those cars are as aerodynamic as elephants; why do you own one?) The rest of the day, I thought about that unnerving little lesbian dream. I like boys. I like boy things. So why did I have a lesbian dream? About you of all people? I mean, seriously. What is up with that? I can't be a lesbian. There's nothing wrong with it, but I don't have the makings of a lesbian. I've been reading the SiP pocket books as of late (they have them at the county library by my school) and Francine didn't have the makings of a lesbian (see the closet scene) but she was. Does this mean anything or am I just wigging out for no good reason?
My parents' divorce is making me lose it. I don't know what to do about custody, they both insist on me learning to snow drive, I can't understand they're thoughts, and my head is is ready to explode constantly. Then, my boyfriend likes me. A lot. And I like him, but he's not the greatest when it comes to being consistently nice or even not an asshole to me. He didn't get me anything for my birthday because he couldn't think of anything to get me. I mean, seriously?! He's sprained my wrist. It's a complicated story. And he doesn't seem to get me at all.
You remember that angry, messed up kid from '08? She's coming back, in part. I still have that same ability to get super angry and straight bitch people out. A girl said I wasn't pro-life and was hypocritical for going to DC for the Walk for Life because I was on the pill and (you might as well know) I did it with my boyfriend. I fumed for 20 minutes, then told her that wasn't why I was on the pill; I have PMDD that makes me physically ill and just evil EVIL. I don't even trust my pill. At all. So now the people at my new school have seen angry Laura. It wasn't pretty.
I can't stand the way things are right now. I really want that couch, just for a few days to sit and think things out. But that can't happen, can it? All I know is I might lose it soon. I've done a lot of stupid things so far, let's see how much more stupid I get. I know that I've messed up. But can you help? Can you at least tell me that I'm the tiniest bit normal with all this? I don't want to be different right now.
-L