You have been defining yourself as: The defender of those that I love. For most of your life. But now you have brought this existence into question with the realization that you might be being used. And this troubles you because you have done all that you have done because you believed that the people that you have done these things for loved you to some degree, but now you have found out that they may not have loved you as much as you had thought. With these resent thoughts you now see holes in your rationality for your existence. Now you ask: Is this all who I want to be? Is there something more? Should there be something more to my life sense what has worked in the past no longer seems defined and now looks gray? People crave solidarity in their life to some degree or another. Yours has been shaken
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You are not selfish at all. You are human, no surprise there laddy. But you deserve to feel however you want. You deserve every ounce of energy that you put out to be returned ten fold. It doesn't matter what you've done, or how many times you've done bad things. All that matters is the purpose for which you did it or whether or not you are trying to do better. Do most of these people deserve your energy, soul, and love? Probably not, you know this already. But if your heart deems helping others to be the key, then do it. I just wish you would learn how to control it a little better. You are probably being used. And you probably will be used further in the future. I think you need to start demanding your tribute in return. You are entitled to be selfish, and there isn't a damn thing wrong with it. Yet at the same time you are blessed (or cursed?) with a heart that actually beats for others. I don't care if you believe yourself to be already shipped off to hell, in my book you are far from damned. You are on this stupid planet for a
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