The Plot Bunny (PG-13)
Title: The Plot Bunny
Author: pica_scribit
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1220
Genre: Humour
Pairing(s): Severus/Regulus (if you squint), Lockhart/Lockhart, James/Lily, Remus/Sirius
Other Characters: Dumbledore, McGonagall, Maggie Lewis (OC) and friends, Peter
Synopsis: In which I mock the fandom (again) and we learn why Snape decided to give the world of Animagi a miss.
Timeline: Spring 1976
Disclaimer: I am not J. K. Rowling. I own nothing. Don't sue me and I won't 'Sue you.
Author's Note: I've had this idea floating around in my head for a long time, but it's spryjojo's fault that I finally wrote it tonight when I should have been sleeping.
He had overheard them whispering about it in the library, but Severus Snape would never admit to having gotten an idea from the Marauders. Especially not one this good. Animagi! As if they could ever have the discipline to accomplish such a thing! Why, there were not more than one or two wizards in each generation to master such a feat. But if he had anything to say about it, Severus would be one of them.
It was complicated, though, involving weeks and months of study and research.
First, one must discover one's animal form, which required no little skill at Divination. Severus had only attained average marks in the subject so far. Still, there was no mistaking the sign when it came; it appeared to him over and over again in the crystal, the tea leaves, and he even thought he saw a hint of it in the palm of his hand.
The rabbit. It was a good form. Fast, silent, and easily concealed. Severus imagined a sleek, black hare, watching from the shadows, learning the Marauders' secrets and plans, and turning those discoveries against them. Revenge would be his, and it would be sweet.
Once the animal form was discovered, one had to collect the key ingredient of the spell: twingeberries, gathered by the light of the full moon for maximum potency. It took him almost a month to discover a clump of twingeberry bushes in the Forbidden Forest, and by the time he had found them, the season had nearly passed, and the berries were beginning to shrivel and pucker on the stems, which made them even more sour and bitter than they normally were.
Once the berries were collected, all that was left to do was to thoroughly chew and swallow the nasty, oily things while concentrating on one's animal form: what it meant and what it felt like to be the rabbit.
But apart from that, the desire had to be there. Severus had that in spades. He was going to show those marauding bastards what true wizardry was. Once he had achieved the transformation, the wizarding world would stand in awe of him. He would get the respect he deserved, and the admiration he secretly longed for.
It took weeks of disciplined concentration, focussing all his attention and energy inward in every spare moment, trying to find the beast within and draw it to the surface.
When it finally happened, it came over him quite suddenly. It was a Saturday afternoon in the late spring. Students were lounging on the Hogwarts grounds, enjoying the beautiful weather, and Severus Snape was lurking in the Slytherin dormitory, eyes closed, madly chewing twingeberries and thinking lapine thoughts.
Carrots, he thought. Clover. Warm, safe burrows. Lots of sex ....
Suddenly, he felt as if the world had dropped away from him. Eyes flying open in surprise, he landed on the stone floor on all fours. Everything around him was huge. He could hear the sounds made by tiny things skittering inside the walls.
He gave a little hop of triumph and swiftly went to the door, nosing it open. Keeping to the shadows, he decided to try his hand -- or rather, paw -- at the stealthy art of spying. He explored the dormitory, but nearly everyone was outdoors. He did catch Lockhart in the boys' toilets, having a wank with his eyes shut, and he allowed himself a smirk at that before moving on.
Nosing his way into one of the other Slytherin dorm rooms, he found a boy lying on his bed, writing in a diary. Regulus Black. He could sneak up on him right now and transform and -- no. Not now. Maybe some other time. He wondered what Regs was writing so furiously, eyes wide, lips parted, slightly breathless.
Regretfully, he turned away and made his way out of the Slytherin dungeons, into the upper castle. He had to hide quickly in the shadows when he heard voices approaching down a corridor. It was Headmaster Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall.
As they strolled past, Dumbledore said, "you know, Minerva, you've given me the most marvelous idea for a story just now. A ball, like you said. Everyone looking their finest. And a king and queen of the ball, chosen from Slytherin and Gryffindor. I wonder, Minerva, if such an event could quell the inter-house rivalries?"
Their voices faded as the two professors turned a corner, and Severus detached himself from the shadows and slipped out into the castle grounds. Keeping out of sight, hiding himself behind clumps of tasty clover and large stones, he kept his long ears pricked for snatches of conversation.
A group of giggling girls sat near the castle steps. As he approached, he caught what one of them was saying.
"... and she's the most beautiful girl who's ever gone to Hogwarts. She has black hair with streaks of silver and purple and her eyes change colour when she's sad or angry. And James and Sirius are both in love with her," she finished triumphantly, casting a simpering glance toward a group of four boys lounging near the lake.
Severus wondered if rabbits had a gag reflex, and then decided that they must not, or he'd have brought up his lunch right then and there. He wondered who the genetic horror was that the girls had spoken of, and why he didn't remember seeing anyone of her description at the school.
On silent paws, he crept toward the boys, hiding behind a conveniently located bush.
Peter Pettigrew was speaking. "And then, when we all grow up, you marry Lily --" Severus saw James Potter grin lazily at this pronouncement, "-- and Moony and Padfoot get married, too and you all have lots of babies!"
At this pronouncement, Sirius Black doubled up, whooping with laughter, Remus Lupin sprayed pumpkin out across the lake, and James made a gagging noise, sticking his finger down his throat.
"Wormtail! That's the worst idea for a story I've ever heard!" declared the Quidditch captain, rolling his eyes.
Remus wiped pumpkin juice from his mouth with the back of his hand and raised an eyebrow at Sirius, who lay on the ground, wheezing helplessly.
"What do you think, Padfoot?" he asked. "I'm sure you'd look fetching in a maternity gown."
Salazar Slytherin!thought Severus, shaking off the disturbing mental image. Is this all people think about when I'm not around? Writing stories?
But the thought was interrupted by a piercing shriek, and he whirled around in time to see the giggling girls he had overheard earlier staring at him and pointing.
"Oh, Maggie, isn't it precious?!" the blonde one declared.
The auburn-haired girl pressed the back of her hand to her forehead theatrically, as though about to faint. "He is the cutest little bunny-wunny I ever saw!"
Suddenly all five girls were coming at him, bending down, hands outstretched, making cooing and clucking noises.
He broke and ran, streaking toward the gardens behind the greenhouses, pursued by feminine cries of dismay and disappointment.
As soon as he thought it was safe, he made his way carefully back into the castle, taking care to remain unnoticed. Safe at last in his deserted dorm room, he dared at last to find himself a looking glass and behold for the first time his one true animagus form.
Author: pica_scribit
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1220
Genre: Humour
Pairing(s): Severus/Regulus (if you squint), Lockhart/Lockhart, James/Lily, Remus/Sirius
Other Characters: Dumbledore, McGonagall, Maggie Lewis (OC) and friends, Peter
Synopsis: In which I mock the fandom (again) and we learn why Snape decided to give the world of Animagi a miss.
Timeline: Spring 1976
Disclaimer: I am not J. K. Rowling. I own nothing. Don't sue me and I won't 'Sue you.
Author's Note: I've had this idea floating around in my head for a long time, but it's spryjojo's fault that I finally wrote it tonight when I should have been sleeping.
He had overheard them whispering about it in the library, but Severus Snape would never admit to having gotten an idea from the Marauders. Especially not one this good. Animagi! As if they could ever have the discipline to accomplish such a thing! Why, there were not more than one or two wizards in each generation to master such a feat. But if he had anything to say about it, Severus would be one of them.
It was complicated, though, involving weeks and months of study and research.
First, one must discover one's animal form, which required no little skill at Divination. Severus had only attained average marks in the subject so far. Still, there was no mistaking the sign when it came; it appeared to him over and over again in the crystal, the tea leaves, and he even thought he saw a hint of it in the palm of his hand.
The rabbit. It was a good form. Fast, silent, and easily concealed. Severus imagined a sleek, black hare, watching from the shadows, learning the Marauders' secrets and plans, and turning those discoveries against them. Revenge would be his, and it would be sweet.
Once the animal form was discovered, one had to collect the key ingredient of the spell: twingeberries, gathered by the light of the full moon for maximum potency. It took him almost a month to discover a clump of twingeberry bushes in the Forbidden Forest, and by the time he had found them, the season had nearly passed, and the berries were beginning to shrivel and pucker on the stems, which made them even more sour and bitter than they normally were.
Once the berries were collected, all that was left to do was to thoroughly chew and swallow the nasty, oily things while concentrating on one's animal form: what it meant and what it felt like to be the rabbit.
But apart from that, the desire had to be there. Severus had that in spades. He was going to show those marauding bastards what true wizardry was. Once he had achieved the transformation, the wizarding world would stand in awe of him. He would get the respect he deserved, and the admiration he secretly longed for.
It took weeks of disciplined concentration, focussing all his attention and energy inward in every spare moment, trying to find the beast within and draw it to the surface.
When it finally happened, it came over him quite suddenly. It was a Saturday afternoon in the late spring. Students were lounging on the Hogwarts grounds, enjoying the beautiful weather, and Severus Snape was lurking in the Slytherin dormitory, eyes closed, madly chewing twingeberries and thinking lapine thoughts.
Carrots, he thought. Clover. Warm, safe burrows. Lots of sex ....
Suddenly, he felt as if the world had dropped away from him. Eyes flying open in surprise, he landed on the stone floor on all fours. Everything around him was huge. He could hear the sounds made by tiny things skittering inside the walls.
He gave a little hop of triumph and swiftly went to the door, nosing it open. Keeping to the shadows, he decided to try his hand -- or rather, paw -- at the stealthy art of spying. He explored the dormitory, but nearly everyone was outdoors. He did catch Lockhart in the boys' toilets, having a wank with his eyes shut, and he allowed himself a smirk at that before moving on.
Nosing his way into one of the other Slytherin dorm rooms, he found a boy lying on his bed, writing in a diary. Regulus Black. He could sneak up on him right now and transform and -- no. Not now. Maybe some other time. He wondered what Regs was writing so furiously, eyes wide, lips parted, slightly breathless.
Regretfully, he turned away and made his way out of the Slytherin dungeons, into the upper castle. He had to hide quickly in the shadows when he heard voices approaching down a corridor. It was Headmaster Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall.
As they strolled past, Dumbledore said, "you know, Minerva, you've given me the most marvelous idea for a story just now. A ball, like you said. Everyone looking their finest. And a king and queen of the ball, chosen from Slytherin and Gryffindor. I wonder, Minerva, if such an event could quell the inter-house rivalries?"
Their voices faded as the two professors turned a corner, and Severus detached himself from the shadows and slipped out into the castle grounds. Keeping out of sight, hiding himself behind clumps of tasty clover and large stones, he kept his long ears pricked for snatches of conversation.
A group of giggling girls sat near the castle steps. As he approached, he caught what one of them was saying.
"... and she's the most beautiful girl who's ever gone to Hogwarts. She has black hair with streaks of silver and purple and her eyes change colour when she's sad or angry. And James and Sirius are both in love with her," she finished triumphantly, casting a simpering glance toward a group of four boys lounging near the lake.
Severus wondered if rabbits had a gag reflex, and then decided that they must not, or he'd have brought up his lunch right then and there. He wondered who the genetic horror was that the girls had spoken of, and why he didn't remember seeing anyone of her description at the school.
On silent paws, he crept toward the boys, hiding behind a conveniently located bush.
Peter Pettigrew was speaking. "And then, when we all grow up, you marry Lily --" Severus saw James Potter grin lazily at this pronouncement, "-- and Moony and Padfoot get married, too and you all have lots of babies!"
At this pronouncement, Sirius Black doubled up, whooping with laughter, Remus Lupin sprayed pumpkin out across the lake, and James made a gagging noise, sticking his finger down his throat.
"Wormtail! That's the worst idea for a story I've ever heard!" declared the Quidditch captain, rolling his eyes.
Remus wiped pumpkin juice from his mouth with the back of his hand and raised an eyebrow at Sirius, who lay on the ground, wheezing helplessly.
"What do you think, Padfoot?" he asked. "I'm sure you'd look fetching in a maternity gown."
Salazar Slytherin!thought Severus, shaking off the disturbing mental image. Is this all people think about when I'm not around? Writing stories?
But the thought was interrupted by a piercing shriek, and he whirled around in time to see the giggling girls he had overheard earlier staring at him and pointing.
"Oh, Maggie, isn't it precious?!" the blonde one declared.
The auburn-haired girl pressed the back of her hand to her forehead theatrically, as though about to faint. "He is the cutest little bunny-wunny I ever saw!"
Suddenly all five girls were coming at him, bending down, hands outstretched, making cooing and clucking noises.
He broke and ran, streaking toward the gardens behind the greenhouses, pursued by feminine cries of dismay and disappointment.
As soon as he thought it was safe, he made his way carefully back into the castle, taking care to remain unnoticed. Safe at last in his deserted dorm room, he dared at last to find himself a looking glass and behold for the first time his one true animagus form.