(no subject)
i just watched love actually. it was a good movie, i was impressed. it was one of those where they follow different characters who arent really connected.. and i think this is the only one ive seen that was really done well. i mean there were like 6 plots and i followed all of them, and they were all interesting, and the movie had meaning. at least to me. it made me feel. it was very real.
unfortunately i should have given a bit more thought before watching a movie with 'love' in the title on the hardest day of the year for me. especially when my 'love' has decided to pull a vanishing act. oh well. i cried.
so heres my day:
got sent home from work early, fell asleep, went to see 'meet the fockers' which i barely remember. came home... the stove and oven are broken. so i go to my dads to see if he knows what to do... turns out the gas line is broken. so my poor mom, who's been planning this dinner all week now couldnt make it so we had nachos chicken nuggets and crackers. this is the hardest day of the year for us. my sister and brother dont remember it, but this was the day my dad lost it. none of us really remember it well, but it ended with 3 cops at our house... 1 to interview us and 2 to take my dad. i dont want to say any more. it was the day our family broke up.
so shes been planning this dinner so shed be busy enough to not get upset and then this happens. so the gas company guy on call came and spent all night fixing it, so now we have an oven but its 11:00. and i felt so bad for him, working outside in the dark and cold on xmas eve. i wonder if he has a family waiting for him. i wonder if he doesnt.
then we opened our gifts (in our family we open things from our non-immediate family the night before and then make all the phone calls, so we dont have to worry about it on xmas day) so we talked to all the uncles and aunts and cousins we havent seen in years. then we called moms parents. my grandmother has alzheimer's, and its getting worse. she doesnt remember things well at all. my mom just saw her on thanksgiving and already she doesnt remember things from it. this is really hard on my mom, so between the dinner plans being ruined, the guilt of making this poor man work in our backyard and hearing her mother ask when was the last time they spoke... my mom broke down.
so i took over tonight. trey is 12 and still believes in santa.. but im thinking he maybe doesnt he just wants to. and i miss alden and im kind of mad at him. no im not mad at him. im hurt. its not fair, i need him more than he can possibly be there for me. i need more than anyone can give me. either we stay together and he has to deal with all my stuff or we dont and i... well i dont know. im never loving anyone besides him. i know that. i never have and i never will. people say that all the time, but i dont know how to express that I MEAN IT. id do anything for him. id die for him, id kill for him, id hurt for him. anything.
my kitties know im sad.. theyre surrounding me.i have 2 in my lap and one attempting to crawl up my back. im done.
now im angry. i dont know who im angry at i just am. i think im just angry at whatevers making me feel so goddamn awful all the time. im either crying, pissed off, bored or half-awake. i do nothing and i want nothing and i feel nothing. and i think its just the goddamn meds because they wont let me take more. i wonder if i should just increase them on my own. see if it helps any. mmm but id have to increase by 37.5 mg, and its supposed to be just by 12.5 im trying and its just not fair. a year ago today i was in a psych ward, and right know all i want is to go back. i just dont want to deal with things anymore. its too much.
my lip split open when i accidentally kissed an electric fence today. it hurt like hell.
unfortunately i should have given a bit more thought before watching a movie with 'love' in the title on the hardest day of the year for me. especially when my 'love' has decided to pull a vanishing act. oh well. i cried.
so heres my day:
got sent home from work early, fell asleep, went to see 'meet the fockers' which i barely remember. came home... the stove and oven are broken. so i go to my dads to see if he knows what to do... turns out the gas line is broken. so my poor mom, who's been planning this dinner all week now couldnt make it so we had nachos chicken nuggets and crackers. this is the hardest day of the year for us. my sister and brother dont remember it, but this was the day my dad lost it. none of us really remember it well, but it ended with 3 cops at our house... 1 to interview us and 2 to take my dad. i dont want to say any more. it was the day our family broke up.
so shes been planning this dinner so shed be busy enough to not get upset and then this happens. so the gas company guy on call came and spent all night fixing it, so now we have an oven but its 11:00. and i felt so bad for him, working outside in the dark and cold on xmas eve. i wonder if he has a family waiting for him. i wonder if he doesnt.
then we opened our gifts (in our family we open things from our non-immediate family the night before and then make all the phone calls, so we dont have to worry about it on xmas day) so we talked to all the uncles and aunts and cousins we havent seen in years. then we called moms parents. my grandmother has alzheimer's, and its getting worse. she doesnt remember things well at all. my mom just saw her on thanksgiving and already she doesnt remember things from it. this is really hard on my mom, so between the dinner plans being ruined, the guilt of making this poor man work in our backyard and hearing her mother ask when was the last time they spoke... my mom broke down.
so i took over tonight. trey is 12 and still believes in santa.. but im thinking he maybe doesnt he just wants to. and i miss alden and im kind of mad at him. no im not mad at him. im hurt. its not fair, i need him more than he can possibly be there for me. i need more than anyone can give me. either we stay together and he has to deal with all my stuff or we dont and i... well i dont know. im never loving anyone besides him. i know that. i never have and i never will. people say that all the time, but i dont know how to express that I MEAN IT. id do anything for him. id die for him, id kill for him, id hurt for him. anything.
my kitties know im sad.. theyre surrounding me.i have 2 in my lap and one attempting to crawl up my back. im done.
now im angry. i dont know who im angry at i just am. i think im just angry at whatevers making me feel so goddamn awful all the time. im either crying, pissed off, bored or half-awake. i do nothing and i want nothing and i feel nothing. and i think its just the goddamn meds because they wont let me take more. i wonder if i should just increase them on my own. see if it helps any. mmm but id have to increase by 37.5 mg, and its supposed to be just by 12.5 im trying and its just not fair. a year ago today i was in a psych ward, and right know all i want is to go back. i just dont want to deal with things anymore. its too much.
my lip split open when i accidentally kissed an electric fence today. it hurt like hell.