(no subject)
Where to begin?
How about my most favourite day being tomorrow. St Valentine's Day. Joy of joys. Same thing every year with being hounded by admirers wanting to give me sweets and gifts, which of course I'm all over that idea but it's their expectation of being liked in return and having me to themself that turns me off the day. There's also the whole being expected to buy your loved one something ellaborate and spoiling them in every way you can on that day. I really don't see the point of having a day dedicated to this and causing such stress upon people when you should just randomly spoil your loved one on any given day of the year. You shouldn't be told when to shower them in love.
Not that I really have to worry this year since I've pushed nearly every person save Ryou, Takahisa, and Kura from my life, and I know Kura won't want anything except maybe some chocolate just for the hell of it, and Takahisa hates the day as much as I do given last year oi, Tara will demand something and not leave me alone if I don't get her something, the spoiled princess... luckily I already bought her something and it should arrive at her door tomorrow, but Ryou... we're not even officially together but we've finally admitted to loving one another, so does that mean I need to do something for him because he'll expect it of me even though he should know me well enough to know I hate this day and prefer to hide? I bought him something anyway, but maybe now he'll take it the wrong way, or it won't be up to the standards he has of me, or argh!
I don't know what's going through my head anymore.
I have feelings for Choutarou. I told him as much, after he had already gotten back together with his former lover. I can't have feelings for him, I love Ryou. I've accepted that, and have come to love the idea as well. I can't do this, I can't start having feelings for a friend when I have feelings for another and he obviously has feelings for another as well. Then he had to go and tell me he liked me, of course this was after being accused of having a bet with Kura over who would get Choutarou's virginity. That is just tasteless and to have that rumour circulating without either of us knowing is somewhat disturbing. I should probably talk to Kura soon and give him a heads up, maybe he'll have better luck with saving a friendship.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I need to get over what is obviously just puppy love, nothing more than a silly little crush on a friend who has been there by my side even through all that shit Bane started.
Bane... I'm tired of his sarcasm and saying things about me and starting rumours. I don't care how much Ryou tries to talk me out of it, I'm still ending my friendship with the bastard as soon as he returns from where ever the hell he had to run off to for a week, leaving me with his damn dogs. I don't care if we've been mates since well, forever, I don't need this kind of abuse and I don't have to sit around and let him think he can get away with it because we're friends. If he's not going to play by the rules, then I don't need him around me anymore.
I don't know who I need anymore.
I don't know when I started acting like this. Worried over what others think of me, what Ryou will think of what I get him or don't get him, having deeper feelings than I know I should or normally even would have, retreating from people and hiding in my room or at Bane's while dog-sitting just to get away... what happened to the carefree guy who didn't care what anyone said about him, laughed at the rumours, floated about the school flirting with anyone who made eye contact, casually dating whoever the hell I wanted, and just..
I don't know who I am anymore.
Full moon tonight. That explains a lot.