(no subject)
I think I've sorted everything out.
My feelings for Choutarou, while genuine, were born from our friendship and how sweet he can be, especially when I was feeling down and he offered to listen. It took yet again the factor that I can't have someone the way I wanted and having him swept off his feet by someone else to expose these feelings too late. So perhaps my feelings were... are just an elevated form of friendship and my protective urges kicking in wanting to keep him safe from someone who's already broken his heart in the past.
heh how ironic is that? I'm worried about Choutarou having his heart broken again when I keep breaking Ryou's heart but keep reeling him back in because.... I love him.... I'm just scared to death what that means and brings.
Maybe it's that spring fever and puppy love that's sweeping through the academy starting to affect me as well, but I'm thinking I should act on my feelings for my imp before he realizes that waiting for me is a waste of his time and I've toned down a lot with my flirting and seducing ways mostly thanks to everyone damn near getting married, but maybe I'm just finally realizing that Ryou and I are meant to be together.
That's what scares me. What if we aren't actually meant for each other? What if we're only kidding ourselves and we shouldn't try this again? One or both of us could get hurt again. The first time we dated we were young and it was sort of a mutual breakup though I still can't say I know Ryou's true thoughts on that day, but we've had some bitter and brutal battles between us during our stay at PA that made me realize exactly how much I cherish that boy and need him in my life. It did land me on a plane home to confess my feelings to Ryou but fear of ...commitment? rejection? monogamy? hurting? kept me from that final step of asking Ryou out.
But what does "will you go out with me?" even signify in our relationship? We're already practically dating with the occasional evening with someone else tossed in, but we spend time together, nights together, defend each other... or is that just the best friend since forever talking? Maybe we do need that question to seal what we have, make it official to everyone else who can't find sense in how Ryou and I operate. But I'm not one to do things just to please others, though it would mean so much to Ryou as well...
I think I'm trying to find excuses to talk myself out of what I'm starting to think and feel comfortable with. I realized last night with sneaking into Ryou's dorm and having him curl up against me as he slept that I do love him and he's still my Ryou, the boy I grew up with, the one I know inside out and he knows me the same way, so why haven't I done anything to keep him as such?
I think it's time, and I'm ready for Ryou and I to be an official couple again if all my random ramblings should be the judge. I'm not sure of when or how I'll make this happen, but it has to be perfect to make up for all the time Ryou's spent waiting for me to reach this point.