Just some concrit, if you'd like some? A few of your verbs aren't past tense, and you've mixed up your and you're a few times. Your is the possessive form, don't forget. Also, I don't Germany's blood would rush to his 'northern regions'. Bit of a body horror moment, there. :P I caught a mix up of here and hear, too. Also, maybe you'd want to lengthen it a bit? It's nice like it is, but maybe expand sensations a little? It seems a bit... Diluted? Plain? I don't think I'm using the right words... But still a very cute idea. ^^ I'd like to see more from you, in the future.
Also, I am sorry for being a little arsey about the heading thing earlier. I thought you'd done it on purpose, and I was like 'dude, you expect me to click on an unmarked link?'. I'm glad to know that wasn't the case. :)
thanks!! i got the idea from the APH kink meme...lol
yeah, i really suck at past tense and and just tense's!! ooohhhh....sorry, i didn't see those. i will fix them. thank you.
and how in the hell did i mix up here and hear?! *blush, facplam* gomen!
yeah, i might need to change that. but i thought is sounded okay, but i re-read it and the blood thing is a little off. thanks!
longer?*giggle* any longer and i might have to go into smut! lol though i don't think anyone would mind. do you think they were IC? and was italy too turned on?
and yes, i will be doing more...and i hope to improve on my writing! thanks for the nice feedback.
I never go on the kink meme. Scares the shit out of me.
A beta can help you with that. :)
Don't worry, it's happened to me too. XD The trick is rereading umpteen times until you catch the typos.
I reckon you'll find their individual voices with a bit of practice. We all write slightly OOC at first, before really figuring the characters out. For your first time, they were ok. Italy probably needs to be a bit more coy, and Germany slightly more embarrassed. And maybe Austria a little more sarcastic? Of course, that's my interpretation of the characters, yours is probably very different.
I hope I can help you with that. You have a great deal of potential. :)
Just some personal opinions on the characterization: I don't think Germany would ever call his brother "asshole", no matter how much worse than an asshole Prussia could be. And I don't think he would just yell such things at a couple trying to have sex...He would probably just drag Italy to somewhere more quiet and personal to get them sleep
That aside, the awkwardness and fighting *coughduringforeplaycough* have never been so sexy in a PruAus drabble X"3
Comments 5
Just some concrit, if you'd like some?
A few of your verbs aren't past tense, and you've mixed up your and you're a few times. Your is the possessive form, don't forget. Also, I don't Germany's blood would rush to his 'northern regions'. Bit of a body horror moment, there. :P I caught a mix up of here and hear, too.
Also, maybe you'd want to lengthen it a bit? It's nice like it is, but maybe expand sensations a little? It seems a bit... Diluted? Plain? I don't think I'm using the right words...
But still a very cute idea. ^^ I'd like to see more from you, in the future.
Also, I am sorry for being a little arsey about the heading thing earlier. I thought you'd done it on purpose, and I was like 'dude, you expect me to click on an unmarked link?'. I'm glad to know that wasn't the case. :)
Reply
yeah, i really suck at past tense and and just tense's!! ooohhhh....sorry, i didn't see those. i will fix them. thank you.
and how in the hell did i mix up here and hear?! *blush, facplam* gomen!
yeah, i might need to change that. but i thought is sounded okay, but i re-read it and the blood thing is a little off. thanks!
longer?*giggle* any longer and i might have to go into smut! lol though i don't think anyone would mind. do you think they were IC? and was italy too turned on?
and yes, i will be doing more...and i hope to improve on my writing! thanks for the nice feedback.
Reply
A beta can help you with that. :)
Don't worry, it's happened to me too. XD The trick is rereading umpteen times until you catch the typos.
I reckon you'll find their individual voices with a bit of practice. We all write slightly OOC at first, before really figuring the characters out. For your first time, they were ok. Italy probably needs to be a bit more coy, and Germany slightly more embarrassed. And maybe Austria a little more sarcastic? Of course, that's my interpretation of the characters, yours is probably very different.
I hope I can help you with that. You have a great deal of potential. :)
Reply
Just some personal opinions on the characterization: I don't think Germany would ever call his brother "asshole", no matter how much worse than an asshole Prussia could be. And I don't think he would just yell such things at a couple trying to have sex...He would probably just drag Italy to somewhere more quiet and personal to get them sleep
That aside, the awkwardness and fighting *coughduringforeplaycough* have never been so sexy in a PruAus drabble X"3
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment