my only public entry
i saw this on MSN. thought it was funny. now i'm sharing it with.... EVERYONE. in:
MY ONLY PUBLIC ENTRY, EVER!!!!
yeah. i'm a dork. here it is:
Okay, you're on a date. The conversation is fab. You're talking about serious stuff and silly stuff. You're talking about the universe and your hometown. You're talking about your favorite dessert, and your least favorite veggies.
Then during the veggie portion of the program, all of a sudden you blurt out, "Spinach makes me fart."
Oopsie.
Life doesn't have a rewind button. Once a word leaves your mouth, you can't shoot out your tongue all lizard-like and grab it back - which is why if you're looking to make a positive impression on that lovely creature across the table, you'll keep your edit button oiled-up and rust-free. But sometimes the pipeline between your brain and your mouth gets corroded, and a vile verb, a noxious noun or an odious adjective slithers through the defense. It's happened to you before, and it'll happen to you again, but if you keep the following ten no-no words in the back (or front) of your brain pan, the level of vileness, noxiousness and odiousness will hopefully be somewhat diminished:
1. FART
She doesn't need to know about what's happening in your nether regions. As a matter of fact, it's a good idea to leave all discussions of your digestive system until you're engaged.
2. KEGGER
This noun should've been dropped from your mental dictionary after your freshman year of college. Also avoid "faced," "wasted," and "Last week, I got, like, totally trashed and hurled on my shoes."
3. BLING-BLING
Used in the proper context, this contempo-adjective for expensive jewelry can be aptly descriptive, and even kinda funny. But if you're trying to impress a woman, it's best to not even bring up that $1,000 chain wrapped around your neck. And speaking of jewelry, also avoid...
4. DIAMOND
Leave this one on the vault unless you're referring to the flush you drew at last night's poker game. Too many lifetime connotations. Save the marriage talk for later. Much later. And speaking of marriage, also avoid...
5. MOTHER-IN-LAW
Leave this one in the vault unless you're referring to Pauly Shore's 1993 flick, "Son In Law." Then again, it would be best to keep Pauly Shore in the vault, too.
6. PSYCHO
Leave this one in the vault unless you're referring to Alfred Hitchcock's 1960 classic flick. If you depict an ex as psycho, your date might think you'd depict her as a psycho, too. And nobody wants to be thought of as psycho, even Anthony Perkins. (If at this point your vault is getting overcrowded, get a bigger vault. Immediately.)
7. BELCH
See "fart"
8. WEENIE
If you're describing a hot dog, say "hot dog." If you're describing a breed of dog, say "dachshund." If you're describing the annoying short guy in the mailroom, call him "the annoying short guy in the mailroom." "Weenie" has too many problematic implications.
9. BROKE
You have to pick your spots on this one. For example, it's perfectly okay to say, "Last year, I broke my wrist playing basketball." It's perfectly not okay to say, "I'm broke. You pay the bill."
10. @&^%!%
You can say %(&!#. You might even be able to get away with **&$##!%%#^. But @&^%!%? Man, keep that to yourself.
hope you enjoyed that! cuz that's all yer gettin, unless yer on my friends list!!! bye bye!
MY ONLY PUBLIC ENTRY, EVER!!!!
yeah. i'm a dork. here it is:
Okay, you're on a date. The conversation is fab. You're talking about serious stuff and silly stuff. You're talking about the universe and your hometown. You're talking about your favorite dessert, and your least favorite veggies.
Then during the veggie portion of the program, all of a sudden you blurt out, "Spinach makes me fart."
Oopsie.
Life doesn't have a rewind button. Once a word leaves your mouth, you can't shoot out your tongue all lizard-like and grab it back - which is why if you're looking to make a positive impression on that lovely creature across the table, you'll keep your edit button oiled-up and rust-free. But sometimes the pipeline between your brain and your mouth gets corroded, and a vile verb, a noxious noun or an odious adjective slithers through the defense. It's happened to you before, and it'll happen to you again, but if you keep the following ten no-no words in the back (or front) of your brain pan, the level of vileness, noxiousness and odiousness will hopefully be somewhat diminished:
1. FART
She doesn't need to know about what's happening in your nether regions. As a matter of fact, it's a good idea to leave all discussions of your digestive system until you're engaged.
2. KEGGER
This noun should've been dropped from your mental dictionary after your freshman year of college. Also avoid "faced," "wasted," and "Last week, I got, like, totally trashed and hurled on my shoes."
3. BLING-BLING
Used in the proper context, this contempo-adjective for expensive jewelry can be aptly descriptive, and even kinda funny. But if you're trying to impress a woman, it's best to not even bring up that $1,000 chain wrapped around your neck. And speaking of jewelry, also avoid...
4. DIAMOND
Leave this one on the vault unless you're referring to the flush you drew at last night's poker game. Too many lifetime connotations. Save the marriage talk for later. Much later. And speaking of marriage, also avoid...
5. MOTHER-IN-LAW
Leave this one in the vault unless you're referring to Pauly Shore's 1993 flick, "Son In Law." Then again, it would be best to keep Pauly Shore in the vault, too.
6. PSYCHO
Leave this one in the vault unless you're referring to Alfred Hitchcock's 1960 classic flick. If you depict an ex as psycho, your date might think you'd depict her as a psycho, too. And nobody wants to be thought of as psycho, even Anthony Perkins. (If at this point your vault is getting overcrowded, get a bigger vault. Immediately.)
7. BELCH
See "fart"
8. WEENIE
If you're describing a hot dog, say "hot dog." If you're describing a breed of dog, say "dachshund." If you're describing the annoying short guy in the mailroom, call him "the annoying short guy in the mailroom." "Weenie" has too many problematic implications.
9. BROKE
You have to pick your spots on this one. For example, it's perfectly okay to say, "Last year, I broke my wrist playing basketball." It's perfectly not okay to say, "I'm broke. You pay the bill."
10. @&^%!%
You can say %(&!#. You might even be able to get away with **&$##!%%#^. But @&^%!%? Man, keep that to yourself.
hope you enjoyed that! cuz that's all yer gettin, unless yer on my friends list!!! bye bye!