musesandlyrics | 4.20. Up quote
4.20. "I don't want your help, I want you safe."
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Co-written with drcampbell | A week after THIS
Lachlan felt a tiny bit of the weight lift from his shoulders that morning when his baby son was moved from the Paediatrics ICU to the standard Paeds Ward. Riley was out of the woods, with his blood sugar still a little unstable, but his breathing and heart rate back to where they should be. He had been in a really bad way when he was brought in, and Lachlan could hardly maintain his composure when he was told what had happened. Riley's blood sugar had dropped when he missed a meal with Tara unable to get to him. He was also dehydrated from having no access to a drink to satiate the thirst that came from the falling BSL. From there, it was just a rapid descent with his health. He had already been running a minor fever, likely from the fact he was teething again. Once the wee boy realised there was no one there to help him when he cried, he inevitably panicked and became rapidly distressed, spiking a fever. By the time Aiden had actually got to him, it was probably hours since Tara placed him in the buggy. His nappy was so soiled and wet, he had a painful rash all over his bottom and genitals, spanning down to the tops of his legs. The panic had him hyperventilating and the crying meant his little nose was blocked and throat was sore, making it difficult to breathe. He had also scratched at his face because he was so distressed, drawing blood even though Tara had always kept his nails trimmed to prevent him accidentally scratching himself.
When Lachlan had seen his son in the ER, he hadn't been able to do anything but sob. Then followed the news that Tara had arrested in the ambulance, and they only just managed to pull her back. Breaking down was all Lachlan could do after the fight he had with Tara. Guilt over letting both his wife and son down just burned through him for hours. He was inconsolable until something snapped inside him and he realised he had to pull it together because Riley needed him. But he was fighting the fear in his brain, and it didn't help when they admitted Tara to the ICU room he himself had been in after the shooting. It was like his feet were rooted on the spot for a long time, as he stood exactly half way between his son's room and Tara's. It was a difficult internal battle he fought, but soon spent the rest of the night going from one room to the other. Tara was in a coma, her body just not strong enough to fight it yet. She had been out in the cold rain too long, and now they were just monitoring her in hopes she wouldn't contract pneumonia . They were plainly honest with him that she might not wake up, but some days had passed now and her condition just remained critical but stable. That was good enough for Lachlan. Stable was positive as far as he was concerned.
It was easier to cope now that Riley was a little better. He was still miserable and unwell, and the rash had him crying in pain every time his nappy was dirty or wet and he had to be changed. To the point that Lachlan told the nurses to leave his nappy off for a little while each day with just a towel under him. He would be there to deal with cleaning him up, and he was. Tara would want him to be with their son through this. He was just grateful when Pat, Aiden, Riley, Evie, and even Chase and Rogue started taking turns to sit with Tara while he took care of Riley in the PICU. The baby boy was more at ease when his Dad was there, and his big blue eyes rarely left Lachlan's face as they just sat for hours together while the treatments ran through his system.
Lachlan had braved a cloth nappy that morning after putting a thick layer of soothing cream on the rash. There was a bit of protest, with a small amount of tears, but Lachlan figured it might be more factored to his son getting used to being without a nappy. It was probably just fortunate that Riley decided not to have a poo as soon as the nappy was in place out of protest so the process wouldn't need to be started all over again. It took time, Lachlan moving slowly so he didn't hurt the baby boy. He was now adorned in his Elmo jumpsuit with matching Elmo slippers. Lachlan had him nursed securely against his chest, while he manoeuvred the IV pole that was feeding into Riley's foot down the corridor. He smiled faintly at a couple of passing nurses he knew, but didn't start any conversation. There wasn't much by way of small-talk he wanted to get into with strangers. The staff knew what had happened. That was enough. When he got to Tara's room, the first time he was able to bring their son to visit her since the whole ordeal, he found Pat sitting beside Tara, holding her hand and just keeping her company.
Lachlan carefully lowered himself into the chair beside Pat, making sure the IV pole was stable and then shifting Riley in his arms so they were both comfortable. Riley hiccuped, and Lachlan looked down at him warily in case there was going to be a puke explosion. But it was just wind, from both ends it seemed, and Lachlan just kissed his son's forehead and started to rhythmically rub his back. He glanced at Pat tiredly, yet gratefully, and then looked over Tara, the helplessness already showing in his eyes and his posture. No words needed to pass between the two friends immediately. They knew each other too well. Lachlan sat forward in the chair and took Tara's limp hand to cup her fingers around their son's hand. "See that, my wee man? That's Mummy. I bet she's missed you," he said in a soft voice. He exhaled heavily, staying where he was so the contact between mother and son, but he glanced back at Pat. "You okay, aye? I dinnae... really have much to say. Talk about."
Pat gave Lachlan's shoulder a squeeze. "That's okay, darling. I can do the talking, you just have to listen," he said and smiled just a little as he watched Riley kick his little legs and lean his face in towards Tara's hand with a small cooing noise. "I've been trying to find the right time to talk to you about some of these things, but the longer I leave it, I can see that there is just no real right time because there is no perfect way to say it. Now just seems... your feelings are going to be at the forefront and it needs to be when it's right there in your face so you don't object."
Lachlan made sure Riley was okay where he was, the baby boy already trying to put one of Tara's fingers in his mouth. He looked at Pat with a small frown. "I'm nay going to like this, am I? Have I done something to piss you off? Said something to hurt you? I seem to have a way of doing that without realising lately. Before my brain can have a chance to tell me I'm losing it."
"No. Fuck no, Lachie. You haven't done anything wrong. You only ever try to do the right thing and you've just had so much pressure and strain from things that your emotions get the best of you. That doesn't make you a bad person. In fact, you and Tara... I wouldn't be here without either of you. You've done so much for me and I can't ever repay that. And I-" Pat paused, closing his eyes briefly and wetting his lips so he didn't get upset straight away. "I know that the only reason you and Tara offered to help Aiden and I have a baby was because you are two of the most giving and caring people I've ever met. You don't even think about how much it's going to hurt you when you try to help someone, it's never a consideration for you. Which is why I can't ever accept your offer, Lachie . I just can't do that to either of you. I'd rather die than sit and have to watch how much it would tear your heart out to see Tara pregnant and know it wasn't your baby she was carrying, and that she'll never carry your baby again. It's too sacred a thing for you. Your wife, your son, your in-built yearning to protect your family. I know you want to help Aiden and me, that you both do, but darling, you and Tara creating RJ and knowing it was your only hope and chance to do that, it's precious. You hang on to that. It's not a selfish thing to want to protect that event as something that just belongs to you and Tara. You won't get another chance. You don't need that rubbed in your face seeing her pregnant and knowing the child isn't yours."
Lachlan had tears running down his cheeks by the time Pat stopped talking. He couldn't say anything at first. He was choked up and all he could do was press his lips together and give a small nod. There was a big part of him that wanted to protest, to insist he and Tara were okay to help them, and they deserved to have a baby because it was the most amazing thing ever. And it was. Lachlan wanted Pat to experience all of that. But his best friend was right, and as Lachlan listened to Pat's ever-unique way of seeing things, he could feel the pain burning deep inside it. It really was at the forefront being faced with nearly losing Tara again and even almost losing their son. "I dinnae know if I could," he whispered hoarsely, leaning forward so he could brush his cheek against the baby's forehead. "I'm so, so sorry... you should know... I wanted to..."
What Lachlan didn't realise was this was breaking Pat's heart more than it ever would just from the thought of not being able to have children. Pat was gay, and had resigned himself to that fact long ago. Of course it was someone in his mind recently after getting married and experiencing close friends becoming parents, but he also knew that life was never ideal and sometimes you had to cling to the small things that mattered to be content and not hurt. He put his arm around Lachlan to hug him, trying to reassure him it was okay. "Lachie , listen to me, buddy," he urged quietly. "The offer alone, it was priceless. You have no idea how much it meant to both of us. And if you were okay and we knew you could have more children, we'd probably take you up on it in a heartbeat. But you're not. Riley's your precious pride and joy. Every part of you bringing him into this world should stay unique to you and Tara. I don't want you feeling guilty about making an offer you couldn't go through with either. Okay? I was never going to be able to take you up on it, buddy, and you wouldn't have ever been able to give it. Hurting you more would never be worth it for me."
Inevitably, Riley sensed one of his parents were upset and started to whimper, then scrunch his face up. A moment later he broke into a sob and started wailing. Lachlan lifted him up to his shoulder and began rubbing his back in soft, soothing circles. He pressed some kisses to his son's hair and then looked at Pat over the top of the tiny blond head. "Sobbing and snotty shoulder aside," he began, trying to blink away his own tears, "being a Dad is something you shouldnae be denied the chance of, Patto. I know what you're going to say and you know I dinnae agree. It's worth it, all the shit. And you deal. You and Aiden , you'd learn to deal. You'd make it work. You and Cam are just denying yourselves the most amazing thing in the whole fucking world. You're more alike than you ever realise. This right here..." he added with another kiss to his son's head, "it dulls a lot of the pain, Patto. It makes everything feel right again. When they smile at you, you just know you'd give them the world if you could."
Pat looked at Lachlan nursing his baby son, watching the little boy nuzzle his face into his Dad's shoulder. His gaze lingered for a few moments, but he soon averted his eyes down to the base of Tara's hospital bed. "Let's just take each day, Lachie. We all know that we never know what's around the corner..."
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,185
Up
Co-written with drcampbell | A week after THIS
Lachlan felt a tiny bit of the weight lift from his shoulders that morning when his baby son was moved from the Paediatrics ICU to the standard Paeds Ward. Riley was out of the woods, with his blood sugar still a little unstable, but his breathing and heart rate back to where they should be. He had been in a really bad way when he was brought in, and Lachlan could hardly maintain his composure when he was told what had happened. Riley's blood sugar had dropped when he missed a meal with Tara unable to get to him. He was also dehydrated from having no access to a drink to satiate the thirst that came from the falling BSL. From there, it was just a rapid descent with his health. He had already been running a minor fever, likely from the fact he was teething again. Once the wee boy realised there was no one there to help him when he cried, he inevitably panicked and became rapidly distressed, spiking a fever. By the time Aiden had actually got to him, it was probably hours since Tara placed him in the buggy. His nappy was so soiled and wet, he had a painful rash all over his bottom and genitals, spanning down to the tops of his legs. The panic had him hyperventilating and the crying meant his little nose was blocked and throat was sore, making it difficult to breathe. He had also scratched at his face because he was so distressed, drawing blood even though Tara had always kept his nails trimmed to prevent him accidentally scratching himself.
When Lachlan had seen his son in the ER, he hadn't been able to do anything but sob. Then followed the news that Tara had arrested in the ambulance, and they only just managed to pull her back. Breaking down was all Lachlan could do after the fight he had with Tara. Guilt over letting both his wife and son down just burned through him for hours. He was inconsolable until something snapped inside him and he realised he had to pull it together because Riley needed him. But he was fighting the fear in his brain, and it didn't help when they admitted Tara to the ICU room he himself had been in after the shooting. It was like his feet were rooted on the spot for a long time, as he stood exactly half way between his son's room and Tara's. It was a difficult internal battle he fought, but soon spent the rest of the night going from one room to the other. Tara was in a coma, her body just not strong enough to fight it yet. She had been out in the cold rain too long, and now they were just monitoring her in hopes she wouldn't contract pneumonia . They were plainly honest with him that she might not wake up, but some days had passed now and her condition just remained critical but stable. That was good enough for Lachlan. Stable was positive as far as he was concerned.
It was easier to cope now that Riley was a little better. He was still miserable and unwell, and the rash had him crying in pain every time his nappy was dirty or wet and he had to be changed. To the point that Lachlan told the nurses to leave his nappy off for a little while each day with just a towel under him. He would be there to deal with cleaning him up, and he was. Tara would want him to be with their son through this. He was just grateful when Pat, Aiden, Riley, Evie, and even Chase and Rogue started taking turns to sit with Tara while he took care of Riley in the PICU. The baby boy was more at ease when his Dad was there, and his big blue eyes rarely left Lachlan's face as they just sat for hours together while the treatments ran through his system.
Lachlan had braved a cloth nappy that morning after putting a thick layer of soothing cream on the rash. There was a bit of protest, with a small amount of tears, but Lachlan figured it might be more factored to his son getting used to being without a nappy. It was probably just fortunate that Riley decided not to have a poo as soon as the nappy was in place out of protest so the process wouldn't need to be started all over again. It took time, Lachlan moving slowly so he didn't hurt the baby boy. He was now adorned in his Elmo jumpsuit with matching Elmo slippers. Lachlan had him nursed securely against his chest, while he manoeuvred the IV pole that was feeding into Riley's foot down the corridor. He smiled faintly at a couple of passing nurses he knew, but didn't start any conversation. There wasn't much by way of small-talk he wanted to get into with strangers. The staff knew what had happened. That was enough. When he got to Tara's room, the first time he was able to bring their son to visit her since the whole ordeal, he found Pat sitting beside Tara, holding her hand and just keeping her company.
Lachlan carefully lowered himself into the chair beside Pat, making sure the IV pole was stable and then shifting Riley in his arms so they were both comfortable. Riley hiccuped, and Lachlan looked down at him warily in case there was going to be a puke explosion. But it was just wind, from both ends it seemed, and Lachlan just kissed his son's forehead and started to rhythmically rub his back. He glanced at Pat tiredly, yet gratefully, and then looked over Tara, the helplessness already showing in his eyes and his posture. No words needed to pass between the two friends immediately. They knew each other too well. Lachlan sat forward in the chair and took Tara's limp hand to cup her fingers around their son's hand. "See that, my wee man? That's Mummy. I bet she's missed you," he said in a soft voice. He exhaled heavily, staying where he was so the contact between mother and son, but he glanced back at Pat. "You okay, aye? I dinnae... really have much to say. Talk about."
Pat gave Lachlan's shoulder a squeeze. "That's okay, darling. I can do the talking, you just have to listen," he said and smiled just a little as he watched Riley kick his little legs and lean his face in towards Tara's hand with a small cooing noise. "I've been trying to find the right time to talk to you about some of these things, but the longer I leave it, I can see that there is just no real right time because there is no perfect way to say it. Now just seems... your feelings are going to be at the forefront and it needs to be when it's right there in your face so you don't object."
Lachlan made sure Riley was okay where he was, the baby boy already trying to put one of Tara's fingers in his mouth. He looked at Pat with a small frown. "I'm nay going to like this, am I? Have I done something to piss you off? Said something to hurt you? I seem to have a way of doing that without realising lately. Before my brain can have a chance to tell me I'm losing it."
"No. Fuck no, Lachie. You haven't done anything wrong. You only ever try to do the right thing and you've just had so much pressure and strain from things that your emotions get the best of you. That doesn't make you a bad person. In fact, you and Tara... I wouldn't be here without either of you. You've done so much for me and I can't ever repay that. And I-" Pat paused, closing his eyes briefly and wetting his lips so he didn't get upset straight away. "I know that the only reason you and Tara offered to help Aiden and I have a baby was because you are two of the most giving and caring people I've ever met. You don't even think about how much it's going to hurt you when you try to help someone, it's never a consideration for you. Which is why I can't ever accept your offer, Lachie . I just can't do that to either of you. I'd rather die than sit and have to watch how much it would tear your heart out to see Tara pregnant and know it wasn't your baby she was carrying, and that she'll never carry your baby again. It's too sacred a thing for you. Your wife, your son, your in-built yearning to protect your family. I know you want to help Aiden and me, that you both do, but darling, you and Tara creating RJ and knowing it was your only hope and chance to do that, it's precious. You hang on to that. It's not a selfish thing to want to protect that event as something that just belongs to you and Tara. You won't get another chance. You don't need that rubbed in your face seeing her pregnant and knowing the child isn't yours."
Lachlan had tears running down his cheeks by the time Pat stopped talking. He couldn't say anything at first. He was choked up and all he could do was press his lips together and give a small nod. There was a big part of him that wanted to protest, to insist he and Tara were okay to help them, and they deserved to have a baby because it was the most amazing thing ever. And it was. Lachlan wanted Pat to experience all of that. But his best friend was right, and as Lachlan listened to Pat's ever-unique way of seeing things, he could feel the pain burning deep inside it. It really was at the forefront being faced with nearly losing Tara again and even almost losing their son. "I dinnae know if I could," he whispered hoarsely, leaning forward so he could brush his cheek against the baby's forehead. "I'm so, so sorry... you should know... I wanted to..."
What Lachlan didn't realise was this was breaking Pat's heart more than it ever would just from the thought of not being able to have children. Pat was gay, and had resigned himself to that fact long ago. Of course it was someone in his mind recently after getting married and experiencing close friends becoming parents, but he also knew that life was never ideal and sometimes you had to cling to the small things that mattered to be content and not hurt. He put his arm around Lachlan to hug him, trying to reassure him it was okay. "Lachie , listen to me, buddy," he urged quietly. "The offer alone, it was priceless. You have no idea how much it meant to both of us. And if you were okay and we knew you could have more children, we'd probably take you up on it in a heartbeat. But you're not. Riley's your precious pride and joy. Every part of you bringing him into this world should stay unique to you and Tara. I don't want you feeling guilty about making an offer you couldn't go through with either. Okay? I was never going to be able to take you up on it, buddy, and you wouldn't have ever been able to give it. Hurting you more would never be worth it for me."
Inevitably, Riley sensed one of his parents were upset and started to whimper, then scrunch his face up. A moment later he broke into a sob and started wailing. Lachlan lifted him up to his shoulder and began rubbing his back in soft, soothing circles. He pressed some kisses to his son's hair and then looked at Pat over the top of the tiny blond head. "Sobbing and snotty shoulder aside," he began, trying to blink away his own tears, "being a Dad is something you shouldnae be denied the chance of, Patto. I know what you're going to say and you know I dinnae agree. It's worth it, all the shit. And you deal. You and Aiden , you'd learn to deal. You'd make it work. You and Cam are just denying yourselves the most amazing thing in the whole fucking world. You're more alike than you ever realise. This right here..." he added with another kiss to his son's head, "it dulls a lot of the pain, Patto. It makes everything feel right again. When they smile at you, you just know you'd give them the world if you could."
Pat looked at Lachlan nursing his baby son, watching the little boy nuzzle his face into his Dad's shoulder. His gaze lingered for a few moments, but he soon averted his eyes down to the base of Tara's hospital bed. "Let's just take each day, Lachie. We all know that we never know what's around the corner..."
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,185