(no subject)
mm.
yesterday i took a trip down memory lane, before the belltower antics. on the phone with nira, i was calculating a BMI and needed to reference to my old Ana Book. a business folder filled with my progress, tips, magazine articles, pictures, rules, jokes. at first, i was horrified at myself for what i had written. most of it was taken straight from my own ana website (shut down by angelfire in the ruling that it was legal to shut down certain sites) which i shared with many a ana. i remembered how i used to cry because i couldnt fit into those damn size 5 jeans and swore to myself if i ever got to be bigger than a 10 i would shoot myself (im bigger than a 10 now.).
it was all about weight and bones, then. when walking in school, i would bounce my fist off my hipbones because they were there and i loved them (theyre gone now) and my stomach was hollow and i had a constant headache, stomachache, heartache (literally) because i was hungry. sometimes i couldnt get out of bed, or i would manage to get up and then fall, but i would call myself weak and stand up. get dressed (damn self for not being able to fit in the tiny clothes, only wear baggy tshirts because i wasnt Skinny yet). walk to the bus stop. go to school. i would sleep there, or put my head down. i knew the answers already. in the height of it, i had a loving boyfriend who knew how i was but didnt try to stop it until later. march, i think. he and kelly (whom i was fighting with at the time) held an intervention. pretty close to the band room, in a corner. i slapped him and ran off, they left me. i listened to Josh Martinez on my headphones in the commons until he came and got me. he said he would leave me alone and let me deal with it my way. then we made out the rest of the afternoon until our parents picked us up. the next morning i lied to him-told him i would stop.
the fact was that i had literally climbed a mountain without eating for 3 days. remember the atlanta trip with band? the only food i had was half a glass of orange juice for that entire trip. i woke up ill every morning, but once id gotten through the shock of waking up, the nearly dying with every step (because my heart was ready to arrest, that much i know. it never stopped pounding and skipping), i was fine. i smiled and ran and went to six flags and concerts and stone mountain and was fine.
a few days after my birthday that happened, too. this was eighth grade. i had a birthday party, a sleepover. i didnt eat the pizza or cake my parents had gotten. then the next day was jessica's sleepover for HER birthday. once again, claimed vegetarian, didnt eat. the next day we ended up at elyse's house. i passed out while we were watching a movie and my friends drew on me because they thought i was asleep. when i came to, i was paler than i had ever been, i felt like i had died. my mind was just.. not there. when my friends laughingly told me what they had done, i didnt get it. whatever. i went to the couch and fell asleep once more. when i woke up, i couldnt move. the phone was near me, i reached out and called my dad to come pick me up. i didnt know where i was, i crawled around looking for my things because i couldnt bring myself to stand. thinking back, i probably looked like samara from the ring. all ashy with the long dark hair...
anyway, i dont know why i wrote this. ill probably put it somewhere eventually.. write a book about my self injury/ana/slutty days one day when im old and 30. make that 20.
mm.
yesterday i took a trip down memory lane, before the belltower antics. on the phone with nira, i was calculating a BMI and needed to reference to my old Ana Book. a business folder filled with my progress, tips, magazine articles, pictures, rules, jokes. at first, i was horrified at myself for what i had written. most of it was taken straight from my own ana website (shut down by angelfire in the ruling that it was legal to shut down certain sites) which i shared with many a ana. i remembered how i used to cry because i couldnt fit into those damn size 5 jeans and swore to myself if i ever got to be bigger than a 10 i would shoot myself (im bigger than a 10 now.).
it was all about weight and bones, then. when walking in school, i would bounce my fist off my hipbones because they were there and i loved them (theyre gone now) and my stomach was hollow and i had a constant headache, stomachache, heartache (literally) because i was hungry. sometimes i couldnt get out of bed, or i would manage to get up and then fall, but i would call myself weak and stand up. get dressed (damn self for not being able to fit in the tiny clothes, only wear baggy tshirts because i wasnt Skinny yet). walk to the bus stop. go to school. i would sleep there, or put my head down. i knew the answers already. in the height of it, i had a loving boyfriend who knew how i was but didnt try to stop it until later. march, i think. he and kelly (whom i was fighting with at the time) held an intervention. pretty close to the band room, in a corner. i slapped him and ran off, they left me. i listened to Josh Martinez on my headphones in the commons until he came and got me. he said he would leave me alone and let me deal with it my way. then we made out the rest of the afternoon until our parents picked us up. the next morning i lied to him-told him i would stop.
the fact was that i had literally climbed a mountain without eating for 3 days. remember the atlanta trip with band? the only food i had was half a glass of orange juice for that entire trip. i woke up ill every morning, but once id gotten through the shock of waking up, the nearly dying with every step (because my heart was ready to arrest, that much i know. it never stopped pounding and skipping), i was fine. i smiled and ran and went to six flags and concerts and stone mountain and was fine.
a few days after my birthday that happened, too. this was eighth grade. i had a birthday party, a sleepover. i didnt eat the pizza or cake my parents had gotten. then the next day was jessica's sleepover for HER birthday. once again, claimed vegetarian, didnt eat. the next day we ended up at elyse's house. i passed out while we were watching a movie and my friends drew on me because they thought i was asleep. when i came to, i was paler than i had ever been, i felt like i had died. my mind was just.. not there. when my friends laughingly told me what they had done, i didnt get it. whatever. i went to the couch and fell asleep once more. when i woke up, i couldnt move. the phone was near me, i reached out and called my dad to come pick me up. i didnt know where i was, i crawled around looking for my things because i couldnt bring myself to stand. thinking back, i probably looked like samara from the ring. all ashy with the long dark hair...
anyway, i dont know why i wrote this. ill probably put it somewhere eventually.. write a book about my self injury/ana/slutty days one day when im old and 30. make that 20.
mm.