Thoughts on BayCon and TSness
I was only at the Con for one day, and that was a couple days ago, and I'm still feeling emotionally drained.
Being out as jennie to the Con was a totally positive experience, and I am so overwhelmed at the acceptance and kindness towards me. As I had expected I ran across several friends who had only known me as Jim who I had to re-introduce myself to, plus a few more who knew about my transness but hadn't seen me in person yet.
I would have never gone in the first place if I hadn't had such wonderful and supportive friends.
I spent most of my time hanging out in the ProgramOps room. When I first got there i sorta just hid in a corner. Then Bella asked me if I wanted to check out the dealers' room, which I did, I just didn't want to go alone.
Going through the Dealer's room was not as scary as I hadpsychd myself out for. I bought a small chainmail bracelet which the vendor was kind enough to enlarge to fit my wrist free of charge.
We then went into the art dealers' room where we both bidded on some art. The staff there were real cool, refering to us as "you two ladies", plus were very understanding about my not using my legal name.
After going out to dinner all us girls got dolled up for the evening. Ryan was so patient waiting for us to get ready while we all got drressed up and put on make-up and all. I wore my black leather corset over a fishnet top,a short leather skirt, black and red striped stockings and arm warmers, combat boots and my Betty page wig.
I started out hanging with Ryan and Bella, but then wanted to go of by myself and find some alcohol, which I found at the Klingon party room.
I then went to the Leather Tea Party where I ended up having a long talk with a TS woman who had been on HRT for 14 years. I got some wonderful advice, and it was wonderful to talk to someone who used to be where I am now.
I then ended up getting another "combat cocktail" at the Klingon bar. After a little wandering around I somehow managed to fall on my ass while walking down a hotel hallway, without spilling my drink. It wasn't that I was "falling down drunk", but with my disability causing me to be unsteady in the first place it didn't take much alcohol to make me more unsteady.
Somewhere around then I ran into M&T and we went outside for a smoke. Other then Ryan T is one of the few men who has really supportive for me, and always treats me like a lady.
By then all the party rooms were closed and I wandered around the hotel looking for somewhere to hang out. I ended up in the Anime room for a little while before heading back to the ProgramOps suite. Bella and Ryan were kind enough to let me sleep on the couch, so I changed into a short skirt and camisole and washed off my make-up.
While trying to get to sleep my gender dysphoria kicked in, helped along by the alcohol. I ended up crying myself to sleep, questioning why I had to be who I was. Why couldn't i have just been born a woman... or a man. It's just so hard having to be in this in-between stage. i just feel like a freak.
However, there is no doubt that inside I am a woman, i just wish my outside matched who I was on the inside.
I would have stayed a second day, but Sunday was China's birthday, and I didn't want her to spend the day alone.
I've been taking things easy since then. Monday I spent the whole day inside, didn't bother to wear make-up or even shave.
Today I went out shopping, and then to go hang out at a coffee shop. I didn't feel like going out in a skirt or wearing make-up, so just went out in pants and a t-shirt.
I knew that anyone who I ran across who didn't already know me as Jennie would ID me as male, but now, even dressed in "boy mode" I still feel like a girl.
It's now been a month since I started hormones therapy, and although I am only taking small doses of hormones I have been noticing changes. The most obvious has been how soft my skin is becoming. Also, as I found out at my last electrolysis, my facial skin is much more sensitive. My boobs are starting to develop and are becoming noticable if you look. And emotions, OMG!!! Laughing comes out much freer, and crying...I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, I cry wathing movies I've seen before without crying. I cried through writing half of this journal entry.
On Monday i see my doctor again. I'm expecting to have my dosage increased, plus my dr is going to switch me over from using estrogen patches to taking injectable estrogen, which is supposed to be more productive.
-Jennie