Flipside, by kitsune_tsuki; Exhaustion Challenge
Title: Flipside
Author: kitsune_tsuki
Pairings: McKay/Sheppard, pre-slash
Rating: R
Spoilers: General through season two
Warnings: Character deaths within (sort of?), possible melodrama
Summary: While John's read the reports and heard the theories behind the whole quantum mirror device he never really thought he'd be quizzed on it later, so he didn't actually take notes or anything. He's beginning to think maybe he should have.
While John's read the reports and heard the theories behind the whole quantum mirror device he never really thought he'd be quizzed on it later, so he didn't actually take notes or anything. He's beginning to think maybe he should have.
"I come in peace?"
And all right, as far as opening lines go, that was hardly his best effort, but after everything he'd gone through that day alone, he thinks he's entitled. Unfortunately, the marines pointing all kinds of heavy weaponry his way don't seem to feel the same.
"Dial up Atlantis!" Someone yells, and one of the men covering him makes for the DHD and starts pressing glyphs.
John tries an ingratiating smile and shrugs. "Lost my knife." He says as one of the marines moves in to take his gun and sidearm, eyeing John suspiciously when he sees the empty knife sheath and the liberal amount of blood splattered across the front of John's uniform along with the gashes and rips.
He doesn't have time to get a good look around the Alpha Site before he's marched through the stargate and into Atlantis' gate room, where it occurs to him that he's possibly in more trouble than expected.
"Get the commander!" The same guy from before yells, and John winces because Christ, that was in his damn ear.
The marines standing guard explode into a flurry of motion securing the gate room, and John stands still and does his best to look harmless while he looks around, noting the differences between this Atlantis and his. There's a sort of starkness here that sends a shiver through him he can't explain, something dark and unpleasant and cold.
Ten minutes later the side door opens and he looks over and freezes, because McKay is standing there in command red like he owns it, expression carefully blank.
"McKay?"
Something flickers in this McKay's eyes as he rakes an assessing gaze over him, and John feels a shiver go through him because he knows that look. It's the look he's encountered countless times before being used on him and in his own mirror, and there's something so incredibly wrong seeing it on McKay's face.
"Bring him." McKay orders, turning on his heel as he heads to the briefing room, obviously expecting to be obeyed without question, and he is.
John lets the marines escort him, realizing for the first time that he doesn't recognize the faces, that they're carrying weaponry the expedition doesn't have, that -
"Lorne, you stay. Everyone else, leave." McKay says as soon as the doors shut behind them.
John blinks as the marines look like they're going to argue the point, but McKay gives them his 'do it now, or I will make you pay' look, only with an edge of actual menace, and they snap off salutes before scurrying from the room.
Lorne looks amused, but doesn't actually say anything so John decides it's best to keep his own mouth shut for the time being. John has a really bad feeling for what Lorne's presence is saying about his own existence in this reality.
"Explain." McKay says, eyes narrowed.
John frowns, but for some reason he's always instinctively trusted his McKay, and he hasn't actually seen any signs of goatees or other facial hair that would suggest he'd managed to land in a reality containing their evil twins, so he tells them.
The incredibly boring and unexciting mission to explore some ruins on M4X-577, followed the discovery of a quantum mirror and the excited flailing on the part of the science team that had seemed amusing at the time. There was more, like the screaming and yelling at the bonus discovery of one of the local predators and the ensuing chaos, but John doesn't get that far before he realizes McKay's eyeing him with disgust.
"What did you touch?" He demands, glaring at John.
"What?"
McKay snorts and leans back in his chair to watch him. "I know you, Colonel, or at least I knew my John Sheppard, and that innocent routine never worked on me. What did you touch? And while we're at it, what the hell happened to you?"
John's eyebrows go up at that 'mine', but he lets it slide in the face of McKay's accusation. "One of the local predators on M4X-577 got a little frisky and we ended up going through the mirror together."
"And you what, couldn't go back through?" McKay asks, eyebrow raised. "I realize that the actual science behind the mirror might be difficult for you to grasp, but - "
"Did I mention the fact that the local predator went through the mirror with me?" John says, forgetting that this isn't his McKay, snapping back before he can stop himself. "And that it had friends waiting on the other side?"
McKay stares at him. "Please tell me you're not suggesting that it planned the whole thing."
John glares, shooting Lorne a dark look when the man smirks. "No, McKay. I'm saying that I thought it might be a safer bet to take my chances with the 'gate than trying to go through a damned pack of the things with just a P-90 and my sidearm."
"And you tried the Alpha Site instead of Atlantis?" Lorne asks, frowning at him.
John doesn't take his eyes from McKay, who's watching him steadily. "I lost my GDO when the thing attacked me, and despite what some people might think, I don't actually have a death wish."
McKay's lips twitch and he turns to Lorne. "M4X-577?"
"That would be the one with the cat-dog-snake things." Lorne agrees. "And the mirror."
Sighing, McKay shakes his head, glancing at John. "Only you, Colonel. Only you."
"I'm glad I could make your day, McKay, but do you think you could maybe help me get back to my own reality? I'd consider it a personal favor."
McKay cocks his head to the side, lost in thought as he stares at John, and Lorne starts walking the edges of the room like a restless lion, hands never far from the P-90 slung around his neck.
After a moment McKay gives a sharp nod and looks up to meet his eyes. "We'll take a team of marines and a jumper to secure the area around the mirror, but that will have to wait until later."
"What? Why?" The words are out before John can help himself, because the longer he stays here, the faster he wants to leave. This isn't his Atlantis, and everything about it is creeping him right the hell out.
McKay smiles humorlessly and shares a look with Lorne as the he stops behind his right shoulder. "We're expecting the Wraith to drop by later today and really wouldn't like to disappoint them."
Lorne smiles, teeth bared, and John really wishes he'd actually listen to McKay, his McKay, once in a while when it came to things that involved other realities.
"That, and you look like hell." McKay adds. "I'd hate to send you home looking like that."
John doesn't have any idea what McKay's talking about when it hits him that he's covered in the blood of a dead cat-dog-snake thing and isn't feeling all that great either, all the cuts and scratches making themselves known now that the adrenaline is starting to wear off.
"It looks like you're going to be our guest for a little bit longer, Colonel."
=====
=====
Lorne takes him down to the infirmary where a doctor John doesn't recognize clucks her tongue and deems him in no immediate danger of dying. She sends him to the infirmary showers to wash off the blood and dirt and grime and leaves him a pair of scrubs. She reminds him a little of his third grade teacher, all stern looks and scolding voice and kind hands when she cleans his injuries.
He doesn't ask where Carson is.
After the doctor gives him a clean bill of health Lorne escorts him to a section of Atlantis that John's own people haven't gotten around to clearing yet and a set of rooms that have clearly been set aside as guest quarters.
"You'll have an armed guard wherever you go," Lorne tells him as a pair of marines take up positions outside the door. "McKay's orders."
"Yeah, about that," John says, looking around his quarters while Lorne watches him. "What the hell happened around here?"
Lorne shoots him a guarded look. "I don't - "
"Don't give me that," John snaps, because he's had a really bad day and winding up in an Atlantis he doesn't recognize and hopes to god he never will was not the best way to end it. "Something happened to put McKay in command, and he is not the McKay I know, so spill."
Lorne actually looks pissed for a moment, and John has a moment to wonder what he just said wrong when Lorne sighs and looks away.
"I'm not the best person to ask about it." He says, gaze flicking back towards John for a second. "I wasn't here for all of it."
"What - "
"Talk to McKay if you want answers." Lorne snorts, smiling wryly. "Although if you can manage to get him to sit still long enough to do that it'd be a miracle."
"Lorne - "
"According to the reports you were killed in the siege," Lorne says, face expressionless, because he has to know the real question John's asking. "McKay killed you himself."
"What?"
"When the Wraith made it into the city you led a team to go after them." Lorne smirks, but there is nothing like amusement there. "You found them."
John stares at him, a sick feeling forming in the pit of his stomach, because he can hear exactly what Lorne's not telling him.
Lorne sighs, lifting his gaze to pin John in place. "You asked him to do it."
John has to race for the bathroom to keep from making a mess, and even then he's not sure it's any better, because Christ.
"I - I - " John stutters when Lorne pushes his way into the bathroom. "Christ, I never - "
"McKay said the same thing when he told me," Lorne says, voice hard, "but that doesn't change anything, does it."
John wants to ask what the hell that's supposed to mean, but Lorne gives him a look and John doesn't even try to pretend he doesn't know what it means.
Lorne smiles faintly and excuses himself, leaving John alone with his thoughts and nothing else for company in an Atlantis that doesn't feel like home.
He finds out in the middle of the night when Atlantis shudders and explosions lighting up the night sky exactly what McKay meant when he said they were expecting the Wraith.
He rushes out of his quarters and almost into one of his guards with alarms wailing all over the place and McKay's voice over the radio snapping off orders and demanding more power to the shields and John heads for the command tower with guards in tow.
He reaches the control room in time to see McKay under a console, arms buried in wires and crystals as he keeps barking out orders, some scientist John doesn't know at his side filtering information and statistics to him as he works.
"What can I do?" John asks, because this may not be his Atlantis, but it's still Atlantis, and he can't just sit by and let the Wraith kill these people.
The room goes quiet and everyone looks at John, then to McKay and back again to John.
McKay slides out from under the console, and gives John an unreadable look. "Go back to your quarters and pray to whatever god you hold dear that the shields hold and Lorne and his men can shoot the Wraith down before they breach our defenses."
"McKay - "
McKay snarls and surges to his feet in one smooth movement, forcing John back as he advances. Grabbing the front of John's shirt he shoves him up against the wall and John stares at him in surprise, because he's never realized just how strong McKay was before now.
"Listen good, Colonel, because I'm only going to say this once." McKay breathes. "Things went to hell here the day you died because Atlantis loves you, and when you died part of her went with you. I have no idea what your reality is like, but I have no desire to screw it over by letting you get yourself killed in mine. Do you understand?"
John swallows because yeah, he gets it. Gets that McKay isn't really talking about Atlantis at all, gets what it must be taking McKay to have to be the one to let go all over again.
"I - "
"You! Take him back to his quarters and make sure he stays put." McKay snaps to John's guards, and they step forward, hands resting on the butts of their P-90's in a way that means business.
John goes.
=====
=====
Hours later and he's pacing the room, frustrated and more than a little pissed off, which, of course, is when McKay shows up again.
"We're still alive." McKay says, dropping onto the couch by the window. "Chalk up another victory for Ancient technology."
John looks at him, really looks, and sees the exhaustion, the stress, everything that McKay refuses to show the others, and wonders if it's always been like that between them.
"What was that?"
McKay smiles, bitterness the least of the things showing as he tips his head back against the cushion. "That was the Wraith equivalent of a drive by." He answers slowly, staring at the ceiling. "They swing by every few months, throw a few darts at us and generally let us know that they're toying with us. That it's only a matter of time before they get tired of stripping Pegasus bare and go after the big game."
"Jesus." John mutters, sinking down in the chair opposite him. "What about the Daedalus? Earth?"
McKay looks over at him, eyebrow raised. "The Ori took the home galaxy, and we're all that's left."
John stares.
"A year." McKay says. "It's been an entire year since the last data burst, since they sent word."
"You haven't - "
"They actually wanted to send world leaders here, can you believe it?" He asks, incredulous, and John understands. Because what the hell does it say when you send people that important from one war zone to another hoping their chances will be any better?
"Elizabeth tried to warn them, but they didn't listen, and the ship they sent got picked off by the Ori as soon as it hit the outer edge of the system." McKay continues, tired and angry. "Caldwell and the Daedalus gone, just like that and they give us 'we're very sorry, but we can't afford to send more ships' like it was nothing. Like those people hadn't died for nothing."
"McKay - "
"A ship. Can you believe it? They were talking to us through the stargate, detailing plans and strategies using the damn 'gate, but they send the world's most important people to us in a ship. A goddamned ship." He looks up at John, confused and vulnerable. "Three years out and worse off than we ever were, fighting an impossible war and we're the last ones standing."
John doesn't know what to say to that, so he stays quiet, watching McKay. The man's thinner than his McKay, and looks like he's running on even less sleep, something John didn't think was even possible.
"I'm sorry." He says after a moment. "You have to know that I would never - "
McKay laughs, an ugly bark of sound that makes John flinch. "You would." He says looking at him, eyes hard. "Believe me, you would. You've seen someone being fed on. You know as well as I do what the Wraith leave behind, so don't you dare fucking lie to me about it to make yourself feel better."
Silence falls between them then, heavy with everything they don't, can't say, because John isn't the one McKay wants, the one he wishes he was talking to and they both know it.
McKay sighs, staring at the floor. "The hell of it was we got the Chair working, we used the jumpers to take out the Hive ships, everything was going to be all right. We were going to be fine, could have held out until the Daedalus got here. The Wraith weren't in any critical areas, we had everything locked down, but we, he, couldn't wait, kept saying that we couldn't allow the Wraith to roam free. That there was no way to know what they might be doing, and then the Daedalus pulls into orbit ten minutes later. Ten damned minutes later."
John closes his eyes, because he hears the anger, the frustration and hurt in McKay's voice, and it's hard to take knowing that he put it there, that's he's the reason for it.
"I know how that is." John says, because he does.
McKay looks up sharply, and then just sort of deflates, because he knows John understands.
"Elizabeth died half a year later," McKay says quietly, sadly. "Her and Carson, just...gone because of a stupid mistake during a trade negotiation."
John sighs, something in his chest clenching at the pain in McKay's voice, and wonders if this is the first time he's been able to talk about it, any of it.
"Pretty much everyone you'd know is gone." McKay says, as though he realizes how strange things must be for John seeing faces he's never met walking around Atlantis like they have the right to it. "They either went back to Earth after the siege or were killed in at least a dozen other ways since then."
"It sounds like you've got things under control." John says, hoping McKay will understand what he's trying to say.
"Yes, all through trial and error, which while a practical method in the lab, is not so good in the field, as it were."
John winces, because he knows what that means. "McKay - "
"Atlantis is a mess right now, Colonel. We won't be able to help you get back to your reality until we get some of this mess cleaned up and get things straightened up around here. Plan to stick around for another day at least. I'm sure Lorne or Zelenka will be able to find something you can help with in the morning."
John watches McKay get to his feet, staring at him for a long moment like he wants to say something before he pivots on his heel and walks out, doors sliding shut behind him with sense of finality.
=====
=====
The next morning John gets woken by the buzzing of an alarm clock followed by even louder babbling in Czech. Opening his eyes he sees Zelenka, battle scarred and limping, pacing beside his bed chattering to himself and the room at large and stealing little glances at him.
Later, after John convinces him to sit down and breathe and John has changed into a spare uniform one of his guards left him, he accompanies Zelenka to the science labs. He isn't surprised to find that now that McKay has taken command and no longer has time to devote to the science team Zelenka is head of the science department. He's the only one McKay would ever trust something that important to.
"It is a great loss, yes?" Zelenka asks, shoving things at John while his amused guards look on. "Losing Elizabeth and the others was difficult, but losing Rodney the way we did..." Zelenka pauses as he says this, face twisting with some indecipherable emotion. "He should not have to do the things he does, should not have to make the choices he does. He should not have had to choose in the first place."
Zelenka says this last bit while looking right at John, and John shifts uneasily under the weight of his gaze, realizing that his death was a bigger catalyst than he'd ever imagined possible.
"Hey - "
"Do you realize," Zelenka continues, staring at John, "that every day he sends people off on missions that might result in their deaths, knowing this? That he orders Lorne and his men into battle? Do you understand what that means? We are at war, Colonel Sheppard."
John understands what it means, especially for McKay, but he doesn't understand why McKay's the one in charge when whoever replaced him should have taken over in a military situation.
Zelenka sighs, hands twisting the strap of the pack he's loading up with diagnostic and repair equipment. "We are cut off from an Earth we must assume has fallen to the Ori and we are on our own facing enemies with more resources and greater numbers than us and we are afraid. The military was in command for a short while, but they did so badly, cost us so many lives that there was no one else left." He looks back at John, smiling ruefully. "You know matters are beyond terrible when the military turns to the civilians for help, yes?"
John doesn't get it at first, but then he notices the little glint of weary amusement in Zelenka's eyes and his own widen. "You didn't."
Zelenka laughs, shooting John's guards a conspiratorial look. "What is a little mutiny among friends, hmmm? And Lorne agrees that it is better this way. Fewer lives are lost and Atlantis is still standing."
John just stares at him, wondering what the hell these people haven't told him for things to have gotten so bad that staging a mutiny was a step up.
"Now come," Zelenka says, marching past John and his escorts like they aren't even there. "There is much to be done, much to be fixed before we can send you back home."
Zelenka leads him to another section of Atlantis that he's never been to before, this time swarming with scientists and marines alike as they clear wreckage and try to salvage what they can. He feels eyes on him, hears the whispered conversations and tries his best to ignore the creeping sense of unease the entire situation leaves him with.
"You'll have to excuse them." Zelenka says, throwing him an amused smile. "Most of them have only heard stories of the great John Sheppard and his magical gene."
John glares at him, but Zelenka just smirks, telling him to put his hand just so on a console with a jumble of wires tumbling out of one open panel and think 'on' at it as hard as he can. Something rattles and a faint thrum of sound fills the air as the console lights up, and Zelenka laughs and laughs and laughs at the disgruntled look on John's face when the other scientists stop what they're doing to stare.
"Atlantis has never responded to anyone the way she does you." Zelenka explains at John's questioning look a little sadly as he checks the readings on his laptop gives him. John doesn't complain the rest of the day when Zelenka points him towards consoles and panels and strange devices and tells him to 'think on at it' and 'concentrate' and 'please colonel, focus, we are nearly done here'.
Eventually Zelenka declares that they've done all they can in that section for the day and there's a collective groan of relief, even though John sees a few people eyeing the remaining rubble speculatively.
"It is best this way." Zelenka tells him on the way to the cafeteria, ever-present guards shadowing them. "They have worked hard today, and there will be more tomorrow, but now they will think about what they can do instead of working through the night."
Dinner is a mix of expedition rations the kitchen staff has managed to stretch further with the help of Pegasus native vegetables and John picks at it idly, more interested in the conversations going on around him. Most of the people are discussing clean-up projects and potential crops for the planting season on the mainland, but just as many are discussing Earth and the things they miss from home.
John notices that they never once mention the Milky Way by name. It's always the 'home galaxy' or 'the dead zone', because gallows humor never goes out of style.
John looks up from his food to see Zelenka watching him. "What?"
Zelenka sighs and tears a piece off his roll. "Many of them never expected to be stranded here. They came knowing they could leave with the Daedalus if they did not like it here, if they could not bear to live so far away from everything familiar. They think that they should never have left."
"If Earth really has fallen, they'd probably be dead." John points out slowly. "They do realize that, right?"
Zelenka shakes his head. "They think that it would be better to be under the heel of such people as the Ori than a meal for the Wraith."
"And you?"
"I am still alive, still free." Zelenka says, looking at John. "That is all that matters."
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The next morning John wakes up to the sound of the alarm clock and no one else and gets up and dressed by the time the door chimes and McKay walks in, Lorne at his side.
"We're sending you home today." McKay tells him, sharing a look with Lorne before turning back to John. "As fun as it's been talking to you again, you really can't stay here any longer."
John's eyes narrow and he stares hard at McKay. "How are the repairs coming along?"
"Zelenka and the science team thanks you for your efforts yesterday, but they can mange the rest." McKay answers, looking amused. "Now really, unless you want to spend the rest of your life here, you need to go. Now."
"What's going on?" John asks, allowing himself to be hustled out of the room by McKay and Lorne, his guards trailing dutifully along. The hallways are busier than he's seen them and there are people everywhere, rushed and almost frantic as they move through the corridors.
Lorne glances at McKay, who looks straight ahead and doesn't answer.
"Lorne?"
"The Wraith are coming back." Lorne answers, eyes flicking towards McKay. "Teyla and Ronon just reported that the Beta Site is ready to receive evacuees."
John stops dead, turning to stare at McKay, who just keeps staring straight ahead, jaw clenched. "You're abandoning Atlantis?" He asks, shocked, partly because he can't believe that things have gotten that bad, and partly because Teyla and Ronon are still alive in this reality and McKay hadn't bothered to tell him.
The guards shift uneasily, looking to Lorne who jerks his head at them and all three fall back, presumably out of earshot.
"McKay?" John asks again, quieter, because he knows what Atlantis means to him, what it's always meant to him.
"The Wraith want Atlantis, Colonel. They want Atlantis and a way through to the home galaxy. Assuming our people have a hope of defeating the Ori, we can't allow the Wraith that opportunity."
"But Atlantis, the Ancient technology - "
"Isn't worth lives!" McKay snaps, whirling to glare at him, hands balled into fists at his side. "I don't think anyone's ever realized that. Everyone always wants to save Atlantis, save the damned technology and they never understand that none of it's worth lives! This galaxy is filled with Ancient technology, other cities the Ancients built. Atlantis isn't the Holy Grail, Colonel. It's just one city the Ancients built and left behind. Do you get that? They left it behind."
John takes a step back, surprised at McKay's anger.
"I don't know if you've noticed it yet or not, Colonel, but people keep dying for Atlantis. They keep dying for the technology, and not once did it occur to any of them, any of us that she isn't the only thing the Ancients left behind. Not by a long shot." McKay finishes in a quieter voice, the anger still in his eyes, but there's something else there too that has John smiling at him.
"You found something."
"We found a lot of somethings." McKay agrees, signaling Lorne and the guards, who fall into step as they continue on their way to the control room.
John almost laughs, because this is something...different.
Things happen quickly after that, and John finally understands what McKay meant about John needing to leave or face being stuck in this reality. They're evacuating Atlantis and taking everything they can, every bit of Ancient and Earth technology they can get packed up and through the 'gate before the Wraith return, and there's a very small window open for John and the team going through with him.
McKay wishes him luck and watches them walk through, but he has too much to do in Atlantis with the evacuation and John feels conflicted when he walks through the stargate and back onto M4X-577. He doesn't want to leave these people on their own, without Earth and its resources, and he doesn't want to leave McKay alone. He'd seen the way the pressures of command were affecting him, how the losses they'd suffered had affected him.
"You need to go now, Colonel." Lorne tells him, smiling a little. "Miller's recalibrated the mirror, but you need to go."
John looks at him, at the marines holding the area clear, and forces a smile. "Don't let him get himself killed." He says, feeling like a complete idiot with Lorne smirking at him the way he is. "Don't let yourself get killed, he needs people like you."
Lorne grins. "I don't intend to die anytime soon, Colonel. He'd never let me hear the end of it."
Lieutenant Miller clears his throat and steps forward to hand John a CD-ROM with a note in McKay's recognizable writing attached. "Dr. McKay thought you might find this helpful." He says, stepping back to the mirror with a small smile.
John looks down at the CD-ROM and the note and smiles. "Yeah. I just might at that." And he steps through the mirror without looking back because he was never any good at goodbyes.
Author: kitsune_tsuki
Pairings: McKay/Sheppard, pre-slash
Rating: R
Spoilers: General through season two
Warnings: Character deaths within (sort of?), possible melodrama
Summary: While John's read the reports and heard the theories behind the whole quantum mirror device he never really thought he'd be quizzed on it later, so he didn't actually take notes or anything. He's beginning to think maybe he should have.
While John's read the reports and heard the theories behind the whole quantum mirror device he never really thought he'd be quizzed on it later, so he didn't actually take notes or anything. He's beginning to think maybe he should have.
"I come in peace?"
And all right, as far as opening lines go, that was hardly his best effort, but after everything he'd gone through that day alone, he thinks he's entitled. Unfortunately, the marines pointing all kinds of heavy weaponry his way don't seem to feel the same.
"Dial up Atlantis!" Someone yells, and one of the men covering him makes for the DHD and starts pressing glyphs.
John tries an ingratiating smile and shrugs. "Lost my knife." He says as one of the marines moves in to take his gun and sidearm, eyeing John suspiciously when he sees the empty knife sheath and the liberal amount of blood splattered across the front of John's uniform along with the gashes and rips.
He doesn't have time to get a good look around the Alpha Site before he's marched through the stargate and into Atlantis' gate room, where it occurs to him that he's possibly in more trouble than expected.
"Get the commander!" The same guy from before yells, and John winces because Christ, that was in his damn ear.
The marines standing guard explode into a flurry of motion securing the gate room, and John stands still and does his best to look harmless while he looks around, noting the differences between this Atlantis and his. There's a sort of starkness here that sends a shiver through him he can't explain, something dark and unpleasant and cold.
Ten minutes later the side door opens and he looks over and freezes, because McKay is standing there in command red like he owns it, expression carefully blank.
"McKay?"
Something flickers in this McKay's eyes as he rakes an assessing gaze over him, and John feels a shiver go through him because he knows that look. It's the look he's encountered countless times before being used on him and in his own mirror, and there's something so incredibly wrong seeing it on McKay's face.
"Bring him." McKay orders, turning on his heel as he heads to the briefing room, obviously expecting to be obeyed without question, and he is.
John lets the marines escort him, realizing for the first time that he doesn't recognize the faces, that they're carrying weaponry the expedition doesn't have, that -
"Lorne, you stay. Everyone else, leave." McKay says as soon as the doors shut behind them.
John blinks as the marines look like they're going to argue the point, but McKay gives them his 'do it now, or I will make you pay' look, only with an edge of actual menace, and they snap off salutes before scurrying from the room.
Lorne looks amused, but doesn't actually say anything so John decides it's best to keep his own mouth shut for the time being. John has a really bad feeling for what Lorne's presence is saying about his own existence in this reality.
"Explain." McKay says, eyes narrowed.
John frowns, but for some reason he's always instinctively trusted his McKay, and he hasn't actually seen any signs of goatees or other facial hair that would suggest he'd managed to land in a reality containing their evil twins, so he tells them.
The incredibly boring and unexciting mission to explore some ruins on M4X-577, followed the discovery of a quantum mirror and the excited flailing on the part of the science team that had seemed amusing at the time. There was more, like the screaming and yelling at the bonus discovery of one of the local predators and the ensuing chaos, but John doesn't get that far before he realizes McKay's eyeing him with disgust.
"What did you touch?" He demands, glaring at John.
"What?"
McKay snorts and leans back in his chair to watch him. "I know you, Colonel, or at least I knew my John Sheppard, and that innocent routine never worked on me. What did you touch? And while we're at it, what the hell happened to you?"
John's eyebrows go up at that 'mine', but he lets it slide in the face of McKay's accusation. "One of the local predators on M4X-577 got a little frisky and we ended up going through the mirror together."
"And you what, couldn't go back through?" McKay asks, eyebrow raised. "I realize that the actual science behind the mirror might be difficult for you to grasp, but - "
"Did I mention the fact that the local predator went through the mirror with me?" John says, forgetting that this isn't his McKay, snapping back before he can stop himself. "And that it had friends waiting on the other side?"
McKay stares at him. "Please tell me you're not suggesting that it planned the whole thing."
John glares, shooting Lorne a dark look when the man smirks. "No, McKay. I'm saying that I thought it might be a safer bet to take my chances with the 'gate than trying to go through a damned pack of the things with just a P-90 and my sidearm."
"And you tried the Alpha Site instead of Atlantis?" Lorne asks, frowning at him.
John doesn't take his eyes from McKay, who's watching him steadily. "I lost my GDO when the thing attacked me, and despite what some people might think, I don't actually have a death wish."
McKay's lips twitch and he turns to Lorne. "M4X-577?"
"That would be the one with the cat-dog-snake things." Lorne agrees. "And the mirror."
Sighing, McKay shakes his head, glancing at John. "Only you, Colonel. Only you."
"I'm glad I could make your day, McKay, but do you think you could maybe help me get back to my own reality? I'd consider it a personal favor."
McKay cocks his head to the side, lost in thought as he stares at John, and Lorne starts walking the edges of the room like a restless lion, hands never far from the P-90 slung around his neck.
After a moment McKay gives a sharp nod and looks up to meet his eyes. "We'll take a team of marines and a jumper to secure the area around the mirror, but that will have to wait until later."
"What? Why?" The words are out before John can help himself, because the longer he stays here, the faster he wants to leave. This isn't his Atlantis, and everything about it is creeping him right the hell out.
McKay smiles humorlessly and shares a look with Lorne as the he stops behind his right shoulder. "We're expecting the Wraith to drop by later today and really wouldn't like to disappoint them."
Lorne smiles, teeth bared, and John really wishes he'd actually listen to McKay, his McKay, once in a while when it came to things that involved other realities.
"That, and you look like hell." McKay adds. "I'd hate to send you home looking like that."
John doesn't have any idea what McKay's talking about when it hits him that he's covered in the blood of a dead cat-dog-snake thing and isn't feeling all that great either, all the cuts and scratches making themselves known now that the adrenaline is starting to wear off.
"It looks like you're going to be our guest for a little bit longer, Colonel."
=====
=====
Lorne takes him down to the infirmary where a doctor John doesn't recognize clucks her tongue and deems him in no immediate danger of dying. She sends him to the infirmary showers to wash off the blood and dirt and grime and leaves him a pair of scrubs. She reminds him a little of his third grade teacher, all stern looks and scolding voice and kind hands when she cleans his injuries.
He doesn't ask where Carson is.
After the doctor gives him a clean bill of health Lorne escorts him to a section of Atlantis that John's own people haven't gotten around to clearing yet and a set of rooms that have clearly been set aside as guest quarters.
"You'll have an armed guard wherever you go," Lorne tells him as a pair of marines take up positions outside the door. "McKay's orders."
"Yeah, about that," John says, looking around his quarters while Lorne watches him. "What the hell happened around here?"
Lorne shoots him a guarded look. "I don't - "
"Don't give me that," John snaps, because he's had a really bad day and winding up in an Atlantis he doesn't recognize and hopes to god he never will was not the best way to end it. "Something happened to put McKay in command, and he is not the McKay I know, so spill."
Lorne actually looks pissed for a moment, and John has a moment to wonder what he just said wrong when Lorne sighs and looks away.
"I'm not the best person to ask about it." He says, gaze flicking back towards John for a second. "I wasn't here for all of it."
"What - "
"Talk to McKay if you want answers." Lorne snorts, smiling wryly. "Although if you can manage to get him to sit still long enough to do that it'd be a miracle."
"Lorne - "
"According to the reports you were killed in the siege," Lorne says, face expressionless, because he has to know the real question John's asking. "McKay killed you himself."
"What?"
"When the Wraith made it into the city you led a team to go after them." Lorne smirks, but there is nothing like amusement there. "You found them."
John stares at him, a sick feeling forming in the pit of his stomach, because he can hear exactly what Lorne's not telling him.
Lorne sighs, lifting his gaze to pin John in place. "You asked him to do it."
John has to race for the bathroom to keep from making a mess, and even then he's not sure it's any better, because Christ.
"I - I - " John stutters when Lorne pushes his way into the bathroom. "Christ, I never - "
"McKay said the same thing when he told me," Lorne says, voice hard, "but that doesn't change anything, does it."
John wants to ask what the hell that's supposed to mean, but Lorne gives him a look and John doesn't even try to pretend he doesn't know what it means.
Lorne smiles faintly and excuses himself, leaving John alone with his thoughts and nothing else for company in an Atlantis that doesn't feel like home.
He finds out in the middle of the night when Atlantis shudders and explosions lighting up the night sky exactly what McKay meant when he said they were expecting the Wraith.
He rushes out of his quarters and almost into one of his guards with alarms wailing all over the place and McKay's voice over the radio snapping off orders and demanding more power to the shields and John heads for the command tower with guards in tow.
He reaches the control room in time to see McKay under a console, arms buried in wires and crystals as he keeps barking out orders, some scientist John doesn't know at his side filtering information and statistics to him as he works.
"What can I do?" John asks, because this may not be his Atlantis, but it's still Atlantis, and he can't just sit by and let the Wraith kill these people.
The room goes quiet and everyone looks at John, then to McKay and back again to John.
McKay slides out from under the console, and gives John an unreadable look. "Go back to your quarters and pray to whatever god you hold dear that the shields hold and Lorne and his men can shoot the Wraith down before they breach our defenses."
"McKay - "
McKay snarls and surges to his feet in one smooth movement, forcing John back as he advances. Grabbing the front of John's shirt he shoves him up against the wall and John stares at him in surprise, because he's never realized just how strong McKay was before now.
"Listen good, Colonel, because I'm only going to say this once." McKay breathes. "Things went to hell here the day you died because Atlantis loves you, and when you died part of her went with you. I have no idea what your reality is like, but I have no desire to screw it over by letting you get yourself killed in mine. Do you understand?"
John swallows because yeah, he gets it. Gets that McKay isn't really talking about Atlantis at all, gets what it must be taking McKay to have to be the one to let go all over again.
"I - "
"You! Take him back to his quarters and make sure he stays put." McKay snaps to John's guards, and they step forward, hands resting on the butts of their P-90's in a way that means business.
John goes.
=====
=====
Hours later and he's pacing the room, frustrated and more than a little pissed off, which, of course, is when McKay shows up again.
"We're still alive." McKay says, dropping onto the couch by the window. "Chalk up another victory for Ancient technology."
John looks at him, really looks, and sees the exhaustion, the stress, everything that McKay refuses to show the others, and wonders if it's always been like that between them.
"What was that?"
McKay smiles, bitterness the least of the things showing as he tips his head back against the cushion. "That was the Wraith equivalent of a drive by." He answers slowly, staring at the ceiling. "They swing by every few months, throw a few darts at us and generally let us know that they're toying with us. That it's only a matter of time before they get tired of stripping Pegasus bare and go after the big game."
"Jesus." John mutters, sinking down in the chair opposite him. "What about the Daedalus? Earth?"
McKay looks over at him, eyebrow raised. "The Ori took the home galaxy, and we're all that's left."
John stares.
"A year." McKay says. "It's been an entire year since the last data burst, since they sent word."
"You haven't - "
"They actually wanted to send world leaders here, can you believe it?" He asks, incredulous, and John understands. Because what the hell does it say when you send people that important from one war zone to another hoping their chances will be any better?
"Elizabeth tried to warn them, but they didn't listen, and the ship they sent got picked off by the Ori as soon as it hit the outer edge of the system." McKay continues, tired and angry. "Caldwell and the Daedalus gone, just like that and they give us 'we're very sorry, but we can't afford to send more ships' like it was nothing. Like those people hadn't died for nothing."
"McKay - "
"A ship. Can you believe it? They were talking to us through the stargate, detailing plans and strategies using the damn 'gate, but they send the world's most important people to us in a ship. A goddamned ship." He looks up at John, confused and vulnerable. "Three years out and worse off than we ever were, fighting an impossible war and we're the last ones standing."
John doesn't know what to say to that, so he stays quiet, watching McKay. The man's thinner than his McKay, and looks like he's running on even less sleep, something John didn't think was even possible.
"I'm sorry." He says after a moment. "You have to know that I would never - "
McKay laughs, an ugly bark of sound that makes John flinch. "You would." He says looking at him, eyes hard. "Believe me, you would. You've seen someone being fed on. You know as well as I do what the Wraith leave behind, so don't you dare fucking lie to me about it to make yourself feel better."
Silence falls between them then, heavy with everything they don't, can't say, because John isn't the one McKay wants, the one he wishes he was talking to and they both know it.
McKay sighs, staring at the floor. "The hell of it was we got the Chair working, we used the jumpers to take out the Hive ships, everything was going to be all right. We were going to be fine, could have held out until the Daedalus got here. The Wraith weren't in any critical areas, we had everything locked down, but we, he, couldn't wait, kept saying that we couldn't allow the Wraith to roam free. That there was no way to know what they might be doing, and then the Daedalus pulls into orbit ten minutes later. Ten damned minutes later."
John closes his eyes, because he hears the anger, the frustration and hurt in McKay's voice, and it's hard to take knowing that he put it there, that's he's the reason for it.
"I know how that is." John says, because he does.
McKay looks up sharply, and then just sort of deflates, because he knows John understands.
"Elizabeth died half a year later," McKay says quietly, sadly. "Her and Carson, just...gone because of a stupid mistake during a trade negotiation."
John sighs, something in his chest clenching at the pain in McKay's voice, and wonders if this is the first time he's been able to talk about it, any of it.
"Pretty much everyone you'd know is gone." McKay says, as though he realizes how strange things must be for John seeing faces he's never met walking around Atlantis like they have the right to it. "They either went back to Earth after the siege or were killed in at least a dozen other ways since then."
"It sounds like you've got things under control." John says, hoping McKay will understand what he's trying to say.
"Yes, all through trial and error, which while a practical method in the lab, is not so good in the field, as it were."
John winces, because he knows what that means. "McKay - "
"Atlantis is a mess right now, Colonel. We won't be able to help you get back to your reality until we get some of this mess cleaned up and get things straightened up around here. Plan to stick around for another day at least. I'm sure Lorne or Zelenka will be able to find something you can help with in the morning."
John watches McKay get to his feet, staring at him for a long moment like he wants to say something before he pivots on his heel and walks out, doors sliding shut behind him with sense of finality.
=====
=====
The next morning John gets woken by the buzzing of an alarm clock followed by even louder babbling in Czech. Opening his eyes he sees Zelenka, battle scarred and limping, pacing beside his bed chattering to himself and the room at large and stealing little glances at him.
Later, after John convinces him to sit down and breathe and John has changed into a spare uniform one of his guards left him, he accompanies Zelenka to the science labs. He isn't surprised to find that now that McKay has taken command and no longer has time to devote to the science team Zelenka is head of the science department. He's the only one McKay would ever trust something that important to.
"It is a great loss, yes?" Zelenka asks, shoving things at John while his amused guards look on. "Losing Elizabeth and the others was difficult, but losing Rodney the way we did..." Zelenka pauses as he says this, face twisting with some indecipherable emotion. "He should not have to do the things he does, should not have to make the choices he does. He should not have had to choose in the first place."
Zelenka says this last bit while looking right at John, and John shifts uneasily under the weight of his gaze, realizing that his death was a bigger catalyst than he'd ever imagined possible.
"Hey - "
"Do you realize," Zelenka continues, staring at John, "that every day he sends people off on missions that might result in their deaths, knowing this? That he orders Lorne and his men into battle? Do you understand what that means? We are at war, Colonel Sheppard."
John understands what it means, especially for McKay, but he doesn't understand why McKay's the one in charge when whoever replaced him should have taken over in a military situation.
Zelenka sighs, hands twisting the strap of the pack he's loading up with diagnostic and repair equipment. "We are cut off from an Earth we must assume has fallen to the Ori and we are on our own facing enemies with more resources and greater numbers than us and we are afraid. The military was in command for a short while, but they did so badly, cost us so many lives that there was no one else left." He looks back at John, smiling ruefully. "You know matters are beyond terrible when the military turns to the civilians for help, yes?"
John doesn't get it at first, but then he notices the little glint of weary amusement in Zelenka's eyes and his own widen. "You didn't."
Zelenka laughs, shooting John's guards a conspiratorial look. "What is a little mutiny among friends, hmmm? And Lorne agrees that it is better this way. Fewer lives are lost and Atlantis is still standing."
John just stares at him, wondering what the hell these people haven't told him for things to have gotten so bad that staging a mutiny was a step up.
"Now come," Zelenka says, marching past John and his escorts like they aren't even there. "There is much to be done, much to be fixed before we can send you back home."
Zelenka leads him to another section of Atlantis that he's never been to before, this time swarming with scientists and marines alike as they clear wreckage and try to salvage what they can. He feels eyes on him, hears the whispered conversations and tries his best to ignore the creeping sense of unease the entire situation leaves him with.
"You'll have to excuse them." Zelenka says, throwing him an amused smile. "Most of them have only heard stories of the great John Sheppard and his magical gene."
John glares at him, but Zelenka just smirks, telling him to put his hand just so on a console with a jumble of wires tumbling out of one open panel and think 'on' at it as hard as he can. Something rattles and a faint thrum of sound fills the air as the console lights up, and Zelenka laughs and laughs and laughs at the disgruntled look on John's face when the other scientists stop what they're doing to stare.
"Atlantis has never responded to anyone the way she does you." Zelenka explains at John's questioning look a little sadly as he checks the readings on his laptop gives him. John doesn't complain the rest of the day when Zelenka points him towards consoles and panels and strange devices and tells him to 'think on at it' and 'concentrate' and 'please colonel, focus, we are nearly done here'.
Eventually Zelenka declares that they've done all they can in that section for the day and there's a collective groan of relief, even though John sees a few people eyeing the remaining rubble speculatively.
"It is best this way." Zelenka tells him on the way to the cafeteria, ever-present guards shadowing them. "They have worked hard today, and there will be more tomorrow, but now they will think about what they can do instead of working through the night."
Dinner is a mix of expedition rations the kitchen staff has managed to stretch further with the help of Pegasus native vegetables and John picks at it idly, more interested in the conversations going on around him. Most of the people are discussing clean-up projects and potential crops for the planting season on the mainland, but just as many are discussing Earth and the things they miss from home.
John notices that they never once mention the Milky Way by name. It's always the 'home galaxy' or 'the dead zone', because gallows humor never goes out of style.
John looks up from his food to see Zelenka watching him. "What?"
Zelenka sighs and tears a piece off his roll. "Many of them never expected to be stranded here. They came knowing they could leave with the Daedalus if they did not like it here, if they could not bear to live so far away from everything familiar. They think that they should never have left."
"If Earth really has fallen, they'd probably be dead." John points out slowly. "They do realize that, right?"
Zelenka shakes his head. "They think that it would be better to be under the heel of such people as the Ori than a meal for the Wraith."
"And you?"
"I am still alive, still free." Zelenka says, looking at John. "That is all that matters."
=====
=====
The next morning John wakes up to the sound of the alarm clock and no one else and gets up and dressed by the time the door chimes and McKay walks in, Lorne at his side.
"We're sending you home today." McKay tells him, sharing a look with Lorne before turning back to John. "As fun as it's been talking to you again, you really can't stay here any longer."
John's eyes narrow and he stares hard at McKay. "How are the repairs coming along?"
"Zelenka and the science team thanks you for your efforts yesterday, but they can mange the rest." McKay answers, looking amused. "Now really, unless you want to spend the rest of your life here, you need to go. Now."
"What's going on?" John asks, allowing himself to be hustled out of the room by McKay and Lorne, his guards trailing dutifully along. The hallways are busier than he's seen them and there are people everywhere, rushed and almost frantic as they move through the corridors.
Lorne glances at McKay, who looks straight ahead and doesn't answer.
"Lorne?"
"The Wraith are coming back." Lorne answers, eyes flicking towards McKay. "Teyla and Ronon just reported that the Beta Site is ready to receive evacuees."
John stops dead, turning to stare at McKay, who just keeps staring straight ahead, jaw clenched. "You're abandoning Atlantis?" He asks, shocked, partly because he can't believe that things have gotten that bad, and partly because Teyla and Ronon are still alive in this reality and McKay hadn't bothered to tell him.
The guards shift uneasily, looking to Lorne who jerks his head at them and all three fall back, presumably out of earshot.
"McKay?" John asks again, quieter, because he knows what Atlantis means to him, what it's always meant to him.
"The Wraith want Atlantis, Colonel. They want Atlantis and a way through to the home galaxy. Assuming our people have a hope of defeating the Ori, we can't allow the Wraith that opportunity."
"But Atlantis, the Ancient technology - "
"Isn't worth lives!" McKay snaps, whirling to glare at him, hands balled into fists at his side. "I don't think anyone's ever realized that. Everyone always wants to save Atlantis, save the damned technology and they never understand that none of it's worth lives! This galaxy is filled with Ancient technology, other cities the Ancients built. Atlantis isn't the Holy Grail, Colonel. It's just one city the Ancients built and left behind. Do you get that? They left it behind."
John takes a step back, surprised at McKay's anger.
"I don't know if you've noticed it yet or not, Colonel, but people keep dying for Atlantis. They keep dying for the technology, and not once did it occur to any of them, any of us that she isn't the only thing the Ancients left behind. Not by a long shot." McKay finishes in a quieter voice, the anger still in his eyes, but there's something else there too that has John smiling at him.
"You found something."
"We found a lot of somethings." McKay agrees, signaling Lorne and the guards, who fall into step as they continue on their way to the control room.
John almost laughs, because this is something...different.
Things happen quickly after that, and John finally understands what McKay meant about John needing to leave or face being stuck in this reality. They're evacuating Atlantis and taking everything they can, every bit of Ancient and Earth technology they can get packed up and through the 'gate before the Wraith return, and there's a very small window open for John and the team going through with him.
McKay wishes him luck and watches them walk through, but he has too much to do in Atlantis with the evacuation and John feels conflicted when he walks through the stargate and back onto M4X-577. He doesn't want to leave these people on their own, without Earth and its resources, and he doesn't want to leave McKay alone. He'd seen the way the pressures of command were affecting him, how the losses they'd suffered had affected him.
"You need to go now, Colonel." Lorne tells him, smiling a little. "Miller's recalibrated the mirror, but you need to go."
John looks at him, at the marines holding the area clear, and forces a smile. "Don't let him get himself killed." He says, feeling like a complete idiot with Lorne smirking at him the way he is. "Don't let yourself get killed, he needs people like you."
Lorne grins. "I don't intend to die anytime soon, Colonel. He'd never let me hear the end of it."
Lieutenant Miller clears his throat and steps forward to hand John a CD-ROM with a note in McKay's recognizable writing attached. "Dr. McKay thought you might find this helpful." He says, stepping back to the mirror with a small smile.
John looks down at the CD-ROM and the note and smiles. "Yeah. I just might at that." And he steps through the mirror without looking back because he was never any good at goodbyes.