FIC: Penny Loafers, "Mission Report" Challenge
Mission Report Challenge entry: for 
devildoll's " Still the One." It was written for the bad!fic challenge and is a masterpiece of hilarity in its own right. Seriously, it's perfection. Read it. Now. Or this? Will just be stupid and confusing.
Title: Penny Loafers
Author: Ismene
Pairing: Very, very twisted McKay/Sheppard
Warnings: Oh, God, what crime isn't committed in the original? Read it first. All you need to know. Ever.
The only summary you need:
Weekly communique from Atlantis to SGC Earthside
from Dr. Weir's "Report Regarding the Neutralization of the Genii"
The Unicorn Planet was first explored by SGA-1. The MALP showed it was a lovely place, an exquisite vista of gently rolling hills and bright skies. The beauty of the planet is complimented by the creatures of this wonderful world - the beautiful unicorns of The Unicorn Planet are supremely innocent and sweet, completely unafraid of humans.
To our dismay, SGA-1 discovered a group of poachers on the planet. As it turns out, there is a massive underground market in unicorn body parts in Pegasus, because of their supposed aprodisiac qualities. The chemical compounds in unicorn horns produced abnormal reactions in ATA gene carriers (see attachment 4: Beckett, Protocols for Gendershifts), as Dr. McKay discovered when he drank unicorn horn wine in the process of attempting to hunt down the black market suppliers.
This investigation quickly revealed that the Genii were behind a majority of the unicorn murders, and using the profits to fund continued inquiries into their nuclear arsenal. Perhaps this should not have been surprising, as the Genii have in the past shown limited moral standards, but nonetheess it had not occurred to any of the Atlantis personnel that even the Genii would stoop to murdering such sweet, defenceless, beautiful creatures.
Colonel Sheppard decided to infiltrate the Genii poaching operation in order to end the slaughter (see attachment 5: Sheppard, Assessment of Original Genii Capabilities). When Genii operatives discovered Dr. McKay, who was assigned to Sheppard's contact on P3X-759, Colonel Sheppard was forced to take desperate measures to covince the Genii of his defection from Atlantis (see attachment 6: Beckett and Heightmeyer, Protocols for Morally and Psychologically Awkward Circumstances Addendum 46a - Handling Undercover Operations). The Colonel engaged in some distateful activities, but everyone involved understood the importance of saving the lovely, helpless unicorns.
Colonel Sheppard was able to rapidly bring down the Genii's evil operation (see attachment 7: Sheppard, Assessment of Current Genii Capabilities).
And, as a happy follow-up, our first Atlantean wedding will be held in a few months (see attachment 1: Weir, Marriage License Request, 2: Sheppard, Status Change Notification, and 3: McKay, Status Change Notification).
Dr. Elizabeth Weir
Atlantis Base
Attachments:
1: Weir, Subject: Marriage License Request (Canada)
2: Sheppard, Subject: Status Change Notification (US)
3: McKay, Subject: Status Change Notification (Canada)
4: Beckett, Subject: Protocols for Gendershifts
5: Sheppard, Subject: Assessment of Original Genii Capabilities
6: Beckett and Heightmeyer, Protocols for Morally and Psychologically Awkward Circumstances Addendum 46a - Handling Undercover Operations
7: Sheppard, Subject: Assessment of Current Genii Capabilities
8: McKay, Personal, cc Jeannie Miller, Toronto. Subject: Invitation
9: McKay, Personal, cc Samantha Carter (SGC), Richard Coller (Northwestern University), Karen Loren (Northwestern University), Darien Reich (CalTech), Eric Michaels (CalTech). Subject: Ha! And you said it would never happen.
SGC to Atlantis Base, RE: Weekly Communique
All our best wishes to Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay (see attachment 2: Carter, personal). The appropriate paperwork is attached.
We're all just glad the unicorns are okay.
General Hank Landry
SGC
Attachments:
1: Marriage License (Canada)
2: Carter, Personal, cc Rodney McKay. Subject: I recommend lemon cake for the reception.
devildoll's " Still the One." It was written for the bad!fic challenge and is a masterpiece of hilarity in its own right. Seriously, it's perfection. Read it. Now. Or this? Will just be stupid and confusing.
Title: Penny Loafers
Author: Ismene
Pairing: Very, very twisted McKay/Sheppard
Warnings: Oh, God, what crime isn't committed in the original? Read it first. All you need to know. Ever.
The only summary you need:
Weekly communique from Atlantis to SGC Earthside
from Dr. Weir's "Report Regarding the Neutralization of the Genii"
The Unicorn Planet was first explored by SGA-1. The MALP showed it was a lovely place, an exquisite vista of gently rolling hills and bright skies. The beauty of the planet is complimented by the creatures of this wonderful world - the beautiful unicorns of The Unicorn Planet are supremely innocent and sweet, completely unafraid of humans.
To our dismay, SGA-1 discovered a group of poachers on the planet. As it turns out, there is a massive underground market in unicorn body parts in Pegasus, because of their supposed aprodisiac qualities. The chemical compounds in unicorn horns produced abnormal reactions in ATA gene carriers (see attachment 4: Beckett, Protocols for Gendershifts), as Dr. McKay discovered when he drank unicorn horn wine in the process of attempting to hunt down the black market suppliers.
This investigation quickly revealed that the Genii were behind a majority of the unicorn murders, and using the profits to fund continued inquiries into their nuclear arsenal. Perhaps this should not have been surprising, as the Genii have in the past shown limited moral standards, but nonetheess it had not occurred to any of the Atlantis personnel that even the Genii would stoop to murdering such sweet, defenceless, beautiful creatures.
Colonel Sheppard decided to infiltrate the Genii poaching operation in order to end the slaughter (see attachment 5: Sheppard, Assessment of Original Genii Capabilities). When Genii operatives discovered Dr. McKay, who was assigned to Sheppard's contact on P3X-759, Colonel Sheppard was forced to take desperate measures to covince the Genii of his defection from Atlantis (see attachment 6: Beckett and Heightmeyer, Protocols for Morally and Psychologically Awkward Circumstances Addendum 46a - Handling Undercover Operations). The Colonel engaged in some distateful activities, but everyone involved understood the importance of saving the lovely, helpless unicorns.
Colonel Sheppard was able to rapidly bring down the Genii's evil operation (see attachment 7: Sheppard, Assessment of Current Genii Capabilities).
And, as a happy follow-up, our first Atlantean wedding will be held in a few months (see attachment 1: Weir, Marriage License Request, 2: Sheppard, Status Change Notification, and 3: McKay, Status Change Notification).
Dr. Elizabeth Weir
Atlantis Base
Attachments:
1: Weir, Subject: Marriage License Request (Canada)
2: Sheppard, Subject: Status Change Notification (US)
3: McKay, Subject: Status Change Notification (Canada)
4: Beckett, Subject: Protocols for Gendershifts
5: Sheppard, Subject: Assessment of Original Genii Capabilities
6: Beckett and Heightmeyer, Protocols for Morally and Psychologically Awkward Circumstances Addendum 46a - Handling Undercover Operations
7: Sheppard, Subject: Assessment of Current Genii Capabilities
8: McKay, Personal, cc Jeannie Miller, Toronto. Subject: Invitation
9: McKay, Personal, cc Samantha Carter (SGC), Richard Coller (Northwestern University), Karen Loren (Northwestern University), Darien Reich (CalTech), Eric Michaels (CalTech). Subject: Ha! And you said it would never happen.
SGC to Atlantis Base, RE: Weekly Communique
All our best wishes to Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay (see attachment 2: Carter, personal). The appropriate paperwork is attached.
We're all just glad the unicorns are okay.
General Hank Landry
SGC
Attachments:
1: Marriage License (Canada)
2: Carter, Personal, cc Rodney McKay. Subject: I recommend lemon cake for the reception.