O, How Bitter a Thing by greenconverses [second verse challenge]
Title: O, How Bitter a Thing
Author: greenconverses
Pairing: John/Teyla
Rating: R
Spoilers: All of Season Four up to Be All My Sins Remember'd
Word Count: 2,669
Notes: This was originally going to go as far as Outcast but I didn't have the time to finish it all. Stupid school, interrupting my flashfic time.
Summary: If the father of Teyla's baby had been from Atlantis...
O, How Bitter a Thing
But O, how bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes. - William Shakespeare
Lifeline
It began when he came to her after the city has been secured and the population had been settled back in. They met in the hall outside her door after she had finished putting Elizabeth’s things away. There were troubled lines on his brow and his expression was tired and drawn. Her emotions were not as controlled as his, and her face was wet with freshly shed tears.
She reached for him and leaned into his embrace. The door to her room swished open behind them.
“I don’t wanna lose anyone else,” he mumbled into her hair, holding her close. “I can’t - ”
“Shh.”
She maneuvered him into her room and the door shut softly behind them. She led him to her bed, but they can’t bring themselves to do anything more than hold each other that night. Morning dawns and they’re still dressed in yesterday’s clothes, yet everything is new and strange between them.
*
Reunion
“Ronon is thinking about leaving Atlantis.”
John turned on his side - without knocking her onto the floor for once, an accomplishment considering the size of his bed - and looked at her. Teyla’s hair was mussed and his sheets are draped sensually over her body, but her expression was serious and contemplative.
“Do you always wait until after we’ve had sex to tell me these things?”
She smiled and shuffled close to peck him on the lips.
“You are easier to manage when you’re relaxed,” she said, running a finger down the stubble on his cheek. Her happy glow was quickly overcome by thoughtfulness again. “I have tried to dissuade him, but I fear he has already made up his mind.”
John doesn’t think he’d ever forgive himself if he lost Ronon, even to his Satedan friends, only weeks after they lost Elizabeth. Ronon is a friend, an integral part of the team, and to think that he might just up and leave…
“I’ll talk to him,” John replied, catching her hand as it trails of his chin. “But I can’t make any promises. It’s always been up to him whether or not he wants to stay here.”
He gazed at her hand, admiring the balance of strength and delicacy in it. He’s always marveled at the way she can achieve such perfect balance in her life. He pressed a kiss to her inside of her wrist and her breath hitched.
“The same goes for you too, you know. You don’t have to stay.”
He doesn’t want her or Ronon to leave but he has to give them that option. He wants them to stay on Atlantis because they want to, not because they‘re forced too.
“I will admit, there have been times when I wanted to leave Atlantis and return to my people,” she said slowly. “But I know I can do more here to make my people safe than I ever could on New Athos. There are always enough reasons for me stay.”
“Care to tell me one now?”
He kissed her palm and she quirked an eyebrow.
“Must you even ask?”
“The sex makes me stupid,” he replied, grinning.
Teyla sighed in fond exasperation and whacked him on the shoulder.
*
Doppelganger
The bright sunlight flickering under the edges of her eyelids and the insistent press of lips against her stomach rouse Teyla from her sleep the next morning. She tries to shift her position in bed, but John’s hands on her hips hold her in place the way he wants. She’s already wet and aroused; he’s been working at this for a while.
“Good morning,” she says, still hazy with sleep. She reaches down to touch his head. “What time is it?”
“Doesn’t matter,” he replies, dipping his tongue into her naval. She shivers, her fingers catching in his hair. “We’re having a lazy Sunday today.”
“Oh?” Teyla says as he shifts lower and her legs part for him. He hoists one leg over his shoulder and bends his head. “Oh!”
Her head falls back against the pillows and she balls her hand in his hair as he strokes her slowly with his tongue. He drags out her release, licking and suckling, until she’s begging with need and then he gives it to her, hard and fast so she bucks against him and cries out his name.
Once he’s taken all she has to give, he slides back up her body, leaving kisses behind as he goes. His expression is that of a satisfied male, and his eyes are dark with passion. Teyla cannot help but laugh and he silences her with a fierce kiss that leaves her breathless.
“I love you,” she says when he breaks away.
“I don’t trust you.”
His words have the same effect on her as being thrown into an ice cold river would. She tenses and pushes away from him, drawing her blankets over her naked form protectively.
“What?”
“You haven’t been the same since you took on that Wraith Queen, Teyla,” he says calmly. “Everyone knows it - you’re a Wraith, aren’t you? A murderer just like them…”
There’s something different about his posture and the sinister way he’s looking at her. She cannot get far enough away from him. Suddenly, there’s no more bed left and she tumbles to the floor, taking the blanket with her.
When she rights herself again and looks up, he’s looming over her and he is no longer the John Sheppard she knows. His body is covered in leathery skin and blue scales, and his hands have twisted into cruel claws. His eyes are those of animal, yellow and feral.
He grabs her by the throat and slams her to the floor. He watches her impassively as she struggles and cries, and then raises his feeding hand and smashes it against her chest -
Teyla bolted awake in her bed, gasping and still fighting to get away. She put a hand on her chest, where the ghost of her dream still lingered, and let a sob escape her lips.
She is grateful she decided to sleep alone tonight, if only to prevent John from turning over and seeing the fear in her eyes.
*
“Come on, John,” his doppelganger mocked, slamming his foot into John’s ribs. Something cracks and John let out a strangled gasp. “Get up!”
“No,” John wheezed into the floor. The doppelganger grabbed him by the back of the shirt and threw him across the gate room. He hit a wall, cracking his head against it, and before he can slump to the floor, the doppelganger is there, pressing into him.
“Once I’m finished with you, maybe I’ll find that Teyla girl again,” the doppelganger said, a twisted grin on his lips. “She was a fun one. Don’t you just love the way she moans when she comes, John?”
John twisted free and punched him across the face. The doppelganger staggered back and touched the bleeding corner of his lip. His grin became even more unstable.
“Now that’s more like it.”
The doppelganger advanced again.
*
After they all leave the mess from their late night snack, Teyla grabbed John’s hand before he can go off to his quarters.
“I do not wish to be alone tonight.”
His eyes are dark and guarded, but he is too tired to protest. He had not let her sleep with him last night, trying to protect her from himself and the demons created by the alien entity. She would not let him coddle her tonight.
“Okay,” he said wearily. “Your room or mine?”
*
Tabula Rasa
As soon as the door to his room closes, John has Teyla pressed up against it, kissing her as though his life depended on it.
He’s weak from the Kirsan fever and things are still a bit fuzzy; he can’t remember his brother’s name or what he had for dinner yesterday. Even though most of the important things are back, it feels like the grip on his memories is tenuous at best. He fears that they’ll start to slip away again at any moment.
“Make me remember,” he said against her lips. He slipped his hands under her shirt, her skin hot against his fingertips. “Don’t let me forget this. You. Us.”
He wants to memorize every inch of her, the way she feels against him, how well they move together. He wants her burned into his very being, so if he ever looses himself again, he can know with certainty that he’s part of something greater and better, and that there’s someone out in the universe waiting for him.
*
Missing
Talking with Dr. Keller about her people only makes their absence more painful. They should have been here for her to meet and come to know in person. But they were gone, sacrificed by the Bola Kai to appease their Wraith gods. What had her people done to deserve such a fate? What had anyone in this galaxy done to deserve such a fate?
Teyla let out a soft sigh, staring up at the stars.
She would have liked Keller to meet Kanaan. The two were very similar in some aspects, both not realizing their full potential and how important they were to their respective peoples.
Had it only be a few moons ago that Kanaan had approached her and requested a courtship? He had been so earnest and open; most unlike himself. She had known Kanaan since she was a child and was closer to him than most of her people, thanks to the Gift. If he had gathered the courage sooner, their love would have blossomed and been the pride of their people. Teyla had loved Kanaan for a time, and she still held strong feelings for him. She would never stop caring.
As it was, he had asked shortly after she began seeing John and Kanaan’s hopes had been crushed by her refusal.
If Teyla would mourn the loss of anything this night, it would be the life that could have been.
*
Dr. Keller looked over her clipboard, her face serious.
“You’re pregnant, Teyla.”
Teyla sagged back into her pillows, staring at Keller in astonishment. This could not be happening to her, not now, not when she needed to fight and kill and find her people -
“But…how long?”
Keller checked her charts.
“You’re about five weeks in,” she said and then a small smile crossed her lips. “Congratulations.”
The Kirsan Fever outbreak. John hadn’t used a condom, she had forgotten to take her pills, and she hadn’t thought anything of it.
“Oh,” Teyla said softly, looking at her hands. She fought the urge to scream. “Thank you.”
*
The Seer
Telling John about the child now is absolutely out of the question. Discovering the location of her people is her top priority as of this moment and she can’t do that locked in the ivory towers of Atlantis.
Because that is what they would do with her when she finally told them of her pregnancy; she had looked up the proper protocol on her laptop, too afraid to go to Colonel Carter or - Ancestors forbid - John to ask. Pregnant women were to be removed from active duty as soon as the pregnancy was discovered, and that meant no going off-world, no handling weapons, no looking for her people…
If she had better faith in the people of Earth, she would leave the matter of searching for her people in their hands. For all their good intentions, however, the Earthlings tend to get caught up in their own problems and eventually forget about those of their allies. The only way her people will be found is if she is heading the search for them.
She regrets that she must risk her child, but what is one unborn child to the Pegasus Galaxy when hundreds have others have gone missing and thousands more die each day?
*
“Your child has a great destiny in its future,” Davos said, glancing down at her stomach. “I cannot see what, but I know it will shape the fate of our galaxy.”
Teyla sucked in a breath, her hand settling on her flat stomach. It was not the answer to the question she had wanted it and it unsettled her, knowing that someone else now knew of her condition.
“Can you see that far into the future?”
“Sometimes. I have very little control of my visions,” he responded, turning to look over the balcony at the city far below. “You cannot hide this from the father forever, you know. The longer you hold it within, the farther you may drive him from you.”
“Does this come from your visions as well?” Teyla asked, slightly taken back by his intrusion into her personal life.
Davos smiled, a little sadly.
“It is merely advice from one leader - and fellow parent - to another.”
*
Be All My Sins Remember’d
The sickness in the mornings has been growing steadily worse over the past few days. She will not be able to hide her condition - from anyone - much longer. If he had not been distracted by the new assault against the Replicators, Teyla was sure John would’ve taken greater notice into her condition and realized that she was not sick because of bad meat.
He hasn’t been to her bed in two weeks, partly due to their busy schedules and conflicts, and partly due to her reluctance to let him touch her. There have only been subtle changes to her body and her stomach is still unsettlingly flat, but she does not want him to discover this on accident.
She dreads his reaction more than anything else. Will he want a child from the union of two people from different galaxies and with alien blood? Will his face twist with disgust at the thought of raising a family with her? Will he reject her and the child?
Or, perhaps worst of all, will he delight in the news, take her up in arms, and expect her to be a “stay-at-home” mother like the Earthlings on the television programs?
She decides she will tell him after this mission to Asura.
Mother Fate decides otherwise.
*
“You’re…what?”
Teyla crosses the distance between the three of them, an uncomfortable and resigned expression on her face. She’s holding her tac vest over her stomach protectively, blocking it from his and Ronon’s view.
“I am pregnant, John.”
John‘s world slides out from under him.
*
Colonel Carter found him in the firing range later, even though he told her he was going to report to her office immediately after they returned. He’s firing clip after clip into a paper target‘s head when he noticed her lurking out of the corner of his eye. He fired one more shot and then turned, pulling off his headgear.
“McKay and Zelenka are ready to show us what they’ve come up with,” Carter said, walking further into the room. She cocked her head and narrowed her eyes. “You okay, Colonel?”
“I took Teyla off the team today. She’s pregnant.”
“Oh, wow,” Carter said, blinking. John was glad to see someone was as shocked as he was. “Do you know who the father is?”
John looked away, knowing there was guilt written on his features. Every time he heard the word “father,” he felt as though someone was punching him in the stomach. Repeatedly.
“Oh,” Carter said again, softer this time. “Well, this…complicates things, doesn’t it?”
*
Teyla expected John to come to her after the Daedalus and the Apollo return from Asura, triumphant in their victory against the Replicators. There are things that need to be explained and emotions that need to be cooled. If they wish things to work between them, they must talk about them.
The moons shift in the sky and Teyla lays awake in her bed, the soft light dancing on her skin.
John does not come.
Author: greenconverses
Pairing: John/Teyla
Rating: R
Spoilers: All of Season Four up to Be All My Sins Remember'd
Word Count: 2,669
Notes: This was originally going to go as far as Outcast but I didn't have the time to finish it all. Stupid school, interrupting my flashfic time.
Summary: If the father of Teyla's baby had been from Atlantis...
O, How Bitter a Thing
But O, how bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes. - William Shakespeare
Lifeline
It began when he came to her after the city has been secured and the population had been settled back in. They met in the hall outside her door after she had finished putting Elizabeth’s things away. There were troubled lines on his brow and his expression was tired and drawn. Her emotions were not as controlled as his, and her face was wet with freshly shed tears.
She reached for him and leaned into his embrace. The door to her room swished open behind them.
“I don’t wanna lose anyone else,” he mumbled into her hair, holding her close. “I can’t - ”
“Shh.”
She maneuvered him into her room and the door shut softly behind them. She led him to her bed, but they can’t bring themselves to do anything more than hold each other that night. Morning dawns and they’re still dressed in yesterday’s clothes, yet everything is new and strange between them.
*
Reunion
“Ronon is thinking about leaving Atlantis.”
John turned on his side - without knocking her onto the floor for once, an accomplishment considering the size of his bed - and looked at her. Teyla’s hair was mussed and his sheets are draped sensually over her body, but her expression was serious and contemplative.
“Do you always wait until after we’ve had sex to tell me these things?”
She smiled and shuffled close to peck him on the lips.
“You are easier to manage when you’re relaxed,” she said, running a finger down the stubble on his cheek. Her happy glow was quickly overcome by thoughtfulness again. “I have tried to dissuade him, but I fear he has already made up his mind.”
John doesn’t think he’d ever forgive himself if he lost Ronon, even to his Satedan friends, only weeks after they lost Elizabeth. Ronon is a friend, an integral part of the team, and to think that he might just up and leave…
“I’ll talk to him,” John replied, catching her hand as it trails of his chin. “But I can’t make any promises. It’s always been up to him whether or not he wants to stay here.”
He gazed at her hand, admiring the balance of strength and delicacy in it. He’s always marveled at the way she can achieve such perfect balance in her life. He pressed a kiss to her inside of her wrist and her breath hitched.
“The same goes for you too, you know. You don’t have to stay.”
He doesn’t want her or Ronon to leave but he has to give them that option. He wants them to stay on Atlantis because they want to, not because they‘re forced too.
“I will admit, there have been times when I wanted to leave Atlantis and return to my people,” she said slowly. “But I know I can do more here to make my people safe than I ever could on New Athos. There are always enough reasons for me stay.”
“Care to tell me one now?”
He kissed her palm and she quirked an eyebrow.
“Must you even ask?”
“The sex makes me stupid,” he replied, grinning.
Teyla sighed in fond exasperation and whacked him on the shoulder.
*
Doppelganger
The bright sunlight flickering under the edges of her eyelids and the insistent press of lips against her stomach rouse Teyla from her sleep the next morning. She tries to shift her position in bed, but John’s hands on her hips hold her in place the way he wants. She’s already wet and aroused; he’s been working at this for a while.
“Good morning,” she says, still hazy with sleep. She reaches down to touch his head. “What time is it?”
“Doesn’t matter,” he replies, dipping his tongue into her naval. She shivers, her fingers catching in his hair. “We’re having a lazy Sunday today.”
“Oh?” Teyla says as he shifts lower and her legs part for him. He hoists one leg over his shoulder and bends his head. “Oh!”
Her head falls back against the pillows and she balls her hand in his hair as he strokes her slowly with his tongue. He drags out her release, licking and suckling, until she’s begging with need and then he gives it to her, hard and fast so she bucks against him and cries out his name.
Once he’s taken all she has to give, he slides back up her body, leaving kisses behind as he goes. His expression is that of a satisfied male, and his eyes are dark with passion. Teyla cannot help but laugh and he silences her with a fierce kiss that leaves her breathless.
“I love you,” she says when he breaks away.
“I don’t trust you.”
His words have the same effect on her as being thrown into an ice cold river would. She tenses and pushes away from him, drawing her blankets over her naked form protectively.
“What?”
“You haven’t been the same since you took on that Wraith Queen, Teyla,” he says calmly. “Everyone knows it - you’re a Wraith, aren’t you? A murderer just like them…”
There’s something different about his posture and the sinister way he’s looking at her. She cannot get far enough away from him. Suddenly, there’s no more bed left and she tumbles to the floor, taking the blanket with her.
When she rights herself again and looks up, he’s looming over her and he is no longer the John Sheppard she knows. His body is covered in leathery skin and blue scales, and his hands have twisted into cruel claws. His eyes are those of animal, yellow and feral.
He grabs her by the throat and slams her to the floor. He watches her impassively as she struggles and cries, and then raises his feeding hand and smashes it against her chest -
Teyla bolted awake in her bed, gasping and still fighting to get away. She put a hand on her chest, where the ghost of her dream still lingered, and let a sob escape her lips.
She is grateful she decided to sleep alone tonight, if only to prevent John from turning over and seeing the fear in her eyes.
*
“Come on, John,” his doppelganger mocked, slamming his foot into John’s ribs. Something cracks and John let out a strangled gasp. “Get up!”
“No,” John wheezed into the floor. The doppelganger grabbed him by the back of the shirt and threw him across the gate room. He hit a wall, cracking his head against it, and before he can slump to the floor, the doppelganger is there, pressing into him.
“Once I’m finished with you, maybe I’ll find that Teyla girl again,” the doppelganger said, a twisted grin on his lips. “She was a fun one. Don’t you just love the way she moans when she comes, John?”
John twisted free and punched him across the face. The doppelganger staggered back and touched the bleeding corner of his lip. His grin became even more unstable.
“Now that’s more like it.”
The doppelganger advanced again.
*
After they all leave the mess from their late night snack, Teyla grabbed John’s hand before he can go off to his quarters.
“I do not wish to be alone tonight.”
His eyes are dark and guarded, but he is too tired to protest. He had not let her sleep with him last night, trying to protect her from himself and the demons created by the alien entity. She would not let him coddle her tonight.
“Okay,” he said wearily. “Your room or mine?”
*
Tabula Rasa
As soon as the door to his room closes, John has Teyla pressed up against it, kissing her as though his life depended on it.
He’s weak from the Kirsan fever and things are still a bit fuzzy; he can’t remember his brother’s name or what he had for dinner yesterday. Even though most of the important things are back, it feels like the grip on his memories is tenuous at best. He fears that they’ll start to slip away again at any moment.
“Make me remember,” he said against her lips. He slipped his hands under her shirt, her skin hot against his fingertips. “Don’t let me forget this. You. Us.”
He wants to memorize every inch of her, the way she feels against him, how well they move together. He wants her burned into his very being, so if he ever looses himself again, he can know with certainty that he’s part of something greater and better, and that there’s someone out in the universe waiting for him.
*
Missing
Talking with Dr. Keller about her people only makes their absence more painful. They should have been here for her to meet and come to know in person. But they were gone, sacrificed by the Bola Kai to appease their Wraith gods. What had her people done to deserve such a fate? What had anyone in this galaxy done to deserve such a fate?
Teyla let out a soft sigh, staring up at the stars.
She would have liked Keller to meet Kanaan. The two were very similar in some aspects, both not realizing their full potential and how important they were to their respective peoples.
Had it only be a few moons ago that Kanaan had approached her and requested a courtship? He had been so earnest and open; most unlike himself. She had known Kanaan since she was a child and was closer to him than most of her people, thanks to the Gift. If he had gathered the courage sooner, their love would have blossomed and been the pride of their people. Teyla had loved Kanaan for a time, and she still held strong feelings for him. She would never stop caring.
As it was, he had asked shortly after she began seeing John and Kanaan’s hopes had been crushed by her refusal.
If Teyla would mourn the loss of anything this night, it would be the life that could have been.
*
Dr. Keller looked over her clipboard, her face serious.
“You’re pregnant, Teyla.”
Teyla sagged back into her pillows, staring at Keller in astonishment. This could not be happening to her, not now, not when she needed to fight and kill and find her people -
“But…how long?”
Keller checked her charts.
“You’re about five weeks in,” she said and then a small smile crossed her lips. “Congratulations.”
The Kirsan Fever outbreak. John hadn’t used a condom, she had forgotten to take her pills, and she hadn’t thought anything of it.
“Oh,” Teyla said softly, looking at her hands. She fought the urge to scream. “Thank you.”
*
The Seer
Telling John about the child now is absolutely out of the question. Discovering the location of her people is her top priority as of this moment and she can’t do that locked in the ivory towers of Atlantis.
Because that is what they would do with her when she finally told them of her pregnancy; she had looked up the proper protocol on her laptop, too afraid to go to Colonel Carter or - Ancestors forbid - John to ask. Pregnant women were to be removed from active duty as soon as the pregnancy was discovered, and that meant no going off-world, no handling weapons, no looking for her people…
If she had better faith in the people of Earth, she would leave the matter of searching for her people in their hands. For all their good intentions, however, the Earthlings tend to get caught up in their own problems and eventually forget about those of their allies. The only way her people will be found is if she is heading the search for them.
She regrets that she must risk her child, but what is one unborn child to the Pegasus Galaxy when hundreds have others have gone missing and thousands more die each day?
*
“Your child has a great destiny in its future,” Davos said, glancing down at her stomach. “I cannot see what, but I know it will shape the fate of our galaxy.”
Teyla sucked in a breath, her hand settling on her flat stomach. It was not the answer to the question she had wanted it and it unsettled her, knowing that someone else now knew of her condition.
“Can you see that far into the future?”
“Sometimes. I have very little control of my visions,” he responded, turning to look over the balcony at the city far below. “You cannot hide this from the father forever, you know. The longer you hold it within, the farther you may drive him from you.”
“Does this come from your visions as well?” Teyla asked, slightly taken back by his intrusion into her personal life.
Davos smiled, a little sadly.
“It is merely advice from one leader - and fellow parent - to another.”
*
Be All My Sins Remember’d
The sickness in the mornings has been growing steadily worse over the past few days. She will not be able to hide her condition - from anyone - much longer. If he had not been distracted by the new assault against the Replicators, Teyla was sure John would’ve taken greater notice into her condition and realized that she was not sick because of bad meat.
He hasn’t been to her bed in two weeks, partly due to their busy schedules and conflicts, and partly due to her reluctance to let him touch her. There have only been subtle changes to her body and her stomach is still unsettlingly flat, but she does not want him to discover this on accident.
She dreads his reaction more than anything else. Will he want a child from the union of two people from different galaxies and with alien blood? Will his face twist with disgust at the thought of raising a family with her? Will he reject her and the child?
Or, perhaps worst of all, will he delight in the news, take her up in arms, and expect her to be a “stay-at-home” mother like the Earthlings on the television programs?
She decides she will tell him after this mission to Asura.
Mother Fate decides otherwise.
*
“You’re…what?”
Teyla crosses the distance between the three of them, an uncomfortable and resigned expression on her face. She’s holding her tac vest over her stomach protectively, blocking it from his and Ronon’s view.
“I am pregnant, John.”
John‘s world slides out from under him.
*
Colonel Carter found him in the firing range later, even though he told her he was going to report to her office immediately after they returned. He’s firing clip after clip into a paper target‘s head when he noticed her lurking out of the corner of his eye. He fired one more shot and then turned, pulling off his headgear.
“McKay and Zelenka are ready to show us what they’ve come up with,” Carter said, walking further into the room. She cocked her head and narrowed her eyes. “You okay, Colonel?”
“I took Teyla off the team today. She’s pregnant.”
“Oh, wow,” Carter said, blinking. John was glad to see someone was as shocked as he was. “Do you know who the father is?”
John looked away, knowing there was guilt written on his features. Every time he heard the word “father,” he felt as though someone was punching him in the stomach. Repeatedly.
“Oh,” Carter said again, softer this time. “Well, this…complicates things, doesn’t it?”
*
Teyla expected John to come to her after the Daedalus and the Apollo return from Asura, triumphant in their victory against the Replicators. There are things that need to be explained and emotions that need to be cooled. If they wish things to work between them, they must talk about them.
The moons shift in the sky and Teyla lays awake in her bed, the soft light dancing on her skin.
John does not come.