Ooook Ook EEEK Oo-ook, by lavvyan (wish fulfillment challenge)
Title: Ooook Ook EEEK Oo-ook, Or: The Necessity of not being an Orang-Utan
Author: lavvyan
Pairing: John/Rodney
Rating: G
Warnings: Crack. Mountains of crack.
Notes: anatsuno wanted "the story where Rodney's the Librarian from Discworld. going Ook! :D" - thanks go to thisissirius for the quick beta.
~~~
Ooook Ook EEEK Oo-ook
Or: The Necessity of not being an Orang-Utan
Some people say that the world is flat, and carried on the back of a giant turtle.
Those people are nuts, and Rodney McKay would probably have a lot to say about them, if he could talk right now. In reality, the world is of course round, and it carries a giant ten-thousand-year-old city that floats on water and can fly through space and is powered by vacuum energy, which is, essentially, all the force that comes from nothing at all.*
But let's not focus on astrophysics right now. Instead, let's focus on an astrophysicist…
~~~
*Which, come to think of it, doesn't really make any more sense than the thing with the turtle.
~~~
Rodney McKay was having a bad day. First, he'd stubbed his toe on his bedside table because he wasn't used to getting out of his own bed anymore. Then the mess had run out of coffee and Athosian tea, leaving orange juice as the only available breakfast beverage. Then someone had managed to reroute the grounding stations' power outlets to the city's overhead lights, nearly killing them all in a shower of sparks and not-really-glass. And now an Ancient device* had turned him into a blue-eyed orang-utan.
"Rodney?" Sam Carter asked for the fourth time.
"Ook." Rodney briefly glared at her from the infirmary bed. He was typing on a laptop with his left foot, poking at his datapad with his right hand, and using his left hand and right foot to peel the lid off another fruit cup.
"Can he understand us?" Sam wanted to know.
"Yes." Radek Zelenka waved a hand in Rodney's direction. "524,287."
"Ook."
"42,961."
"Ook-ook."
"See?" Radek pushed his glasses up his nose and smiled a satisfied smile. Sam threw him a look.
"No," she said slowly.
They both turned as Jennifer Keller stepped into the curtained-off cubicle. "All right," she said grimly, snapping a pair of latex gloves into place. "I'm going to do a full physical. Rodney? Bend over."
"Eeek!"
~~~
*Not to be confused with a plot device.** There actually is an Ancient plot device, developed to give the Ancients their very own happily ever after. They switched it off again after a surprise turn of events introduced the Wraith as the main antagonist.
**Plot devices are random, often insufficiently explained happenstances that give the narrative a new, unexpected turn.***
***Like someone suddenly turning into a monkey an orang-utan for no reason at all.
~~~
The physical showed that Rodney was a) in perfect health for a male orang-utan except for a stubbed toe, b) still in full possession of his faculties, and c) capable of knotting up a pair of metal thongs with one hand. Item c) was also demonstrated when a marine accidentally stumbled into their area and asked, "Hey, why's there a monkey in the infirmary?"
"I think he does not like being called monkey," Radek observed watching with interest as the groaning marine was carried away.
"So how do we turn him back?" Sam asked. She was pinching the bridge of her nose and trying her best not to look at Rodney, who was now holding four coffee cups, one in each… hand, slurping from each of them with an expression that seemed content. It was hard to tell, what with him being an orang-utan.
"It would seem that the device shorted out when Rodney tried to turn it on," Radek said. "To initialise it properly and reverse the effects, it would need a strong natural gene carrier."
"Colonel Sheppard and Major Lorne are offworld with Teyla's trading party." Sam grimaced. "They won't return before the day after tomorrow."
Radek shrugged. "It could have been worse," he said cheerfully. "At least he didn't turn into a penguin."
~~~
Atlantis quickly got used to the head of the science department being an orang-utan.* The marines hardly ever understood what McKay was talking about anyway, his scientists were well-versed in the art of interpretative gesticulating, and Ronon kept away anyone who might have done something stupid like ask if Rodney was the fifth member of The Monkees who'd left before they became famous.
Ronon also helped with the repairs Rodney was using to distract himself.
"Ook."
"Phillips or flathead?"
"Ook."
Ronon reached into his hair. After a bit of rooting around, he pulled out a knife, another knife, a throw star, a power bar, an epi-pen, yet another knife, and finally a flathead screwdriver. He held it out to Rodney.
Rodney stared at Ronon, at the screwdriver in his hand, at Ronon's hair.
"Ook?"
"The beads are made of sapient pearwood," Ronon said, like that explained everything. Rodney rolled his eyes, and went back to work.
~~~
*The learning curve was steep: "Hey, why's there a monkey in the mess hall?" - "Ook." - "Holy shiaaaaaaargh!"
~~~
Two days later, Teyla, half a dozen Athosians, Lorne, and Sheppard stepped through the Gate. Sheppard blinked.
"Uh. Why's there a-"
"Sir!" The nearest guard saluted smartly. "Welcome back to Atlantis, Sir!"
"Yeah, thanks," John said, wearing a puzzled frown. "Look, have you noticed there's a-"
"Dr. McKay had an accident with a device, Sir!" the guard bellowed. There were little beads of sweat on his forehead. "It turned him into an orang-utan. Sir!"
Sheppard blinked again. "McKay's a monkey?"
Silence spread across the gateroom like ripples on a pond after someone had thrown in a brick. The only sound was the soft thump of Rodney's feet as he swung himself down from the railing of the control room walkway and landed on the gateroom floor. He padded over to Sheppard and stared at him for a moment.
Then he patted his hand, and yanked him into the direction of the lab, Zelenka, and the device.
Sam made a mental note to put the guard down for a commendation.
~~~
"That was weird," John said.
"Tell me about it." Rodney finished his second banana and started in on the third. "You know," he said around a mouthful, "there should definitely be post-trauma sex."
"Yeah," John rolled his eyes, "because you're so irresistible now you've gotten in touch with your inner animal."
"I can bend my knees behind my head now," Rodney said.
John reached for his fly. "Take off your shirt."
~~~
Deep in the night, there was a deep whump from grounding station three, and the lights flickered again. But nobody even noticed.*
~~~
*Well, one of the night guards thought he heard someone scream, "OhshitohshitohshitI'mgoingtodie!" He dismissed it as a figment of his imagination.
~~~
The End. *coughs*
Author: lavvyan
Pairing: John/Rodney
Rating: G
Warnings: Crack. Mountains of crack.
Notes: anatsuno wanted "the story where Rodney's the Librarian from Discworld. going Ook! :D" - thanks go to thisissirius for the quick beta.
~~~
Ooook Ook EEEK Oo-ook
Or: The Necessity of not being an Orang-Utan
Some people say that the world is flat, and carried on the back of a giant turtle.
Those people are nuts, and Rodney McKay would probably have a lot to say about them, if he could talk right now. In reality, the world is of course round, and it carries a giant ten-thousand-year-old city that floats on water and can fly through space and is powered by vacuum energy, which is, essentially, all the force that comes from nothing at all.*
But let's not focus on astrophysics right now. Instead, let's focus on an astrophysicist…
~~~
*Which, come to think of it, doesn't really make any more sense than the thing with the turtle.
~~~
Rodney McKay was having a bad day. First, he'd stubbed his toe on his bedside table because he wasn't used to getting out of his own bed anymore. Then the mess had run out of coffee and Athosian tea, leaving orange juice as the only available breakfast beverage. Then someone had managed to reroute the grounding stations' power outlets to the city's overhead lights, nearly killing them all in a shower of sparks and not-really-glass. And now an Ancient device* had turned him into a blue-eyed orang-utan.
"Rodney?" Sam Carter asked for the fourth time.
"Ook." Rodney briefly glared at her from the infirmary bed. He was typing on a laptop with his left foot, poking at his datapad with his right hand, and using his left hand and right foot to peel the lid off another fruit cup.
"Can he understand us?" Sam wanted to know.
"Yes." Radek Zelenka waved a hand in Rodney's direction. "524,287."
"Ook."
"42,961."
"Ook-ook."
"See?" Radek pushed his glasses up his nose and smiled a satisfied smile. Sam threw him a look.
"No," she said slowly.
They both turned as Jennifer Keller stepped into the curtained-off cubicle. "All right," she said grimly, snapping a pair of latex gloves into place. "I'm going to do a full physical. Rodney? Bend over."
"Eeek!"
~~~
*Not to be confused with a plot device.** There actually is an Ancient plot device, developed to give the Ancients their very own happily ever after. They switched it off again after a surprise turn of events introduced the Wraith as the main antagonist.
**Plot devices are random, often insufficiently explained happenstances that give the narrative a new, unexpected turn.***
***Like someone suddenly turning into a monkey an orang-utan for no reason at all.
~~~
The physical showed that Rodney was a) in perfect health for a male orang-utan except for a stubbed toe, b) still in full possession of his faculties, and c) capable of knotting up a pair of metal thongs with one hand. Item c) was also demonstrated when a marine accidentally stumbled into their area and asked, "Hey, why's there a monkey in the infirmary?"
"I think he does not like being called monkey," Radek observed watching with interest as the groaning marine was carried away.
"So how do we turn him back?" Sam asked. She was pinching the bridge of her nose and trying her best not to look at Rodney, who was now holding four coffee cups, one in each… hand, slurping from each of them with an expression that seemed content. It was hard to tell, what with him being an orang-utan.
"It would seem that the device shorted out when Rodney tried to turn it on," Radek said. "To initialise it properly and reverse the effects, it would need a strong natural gene carrier."
"Colonel Sheppard and Major Lorne are offworld with Teyla's trading party." Sam grimaced. "They won't return before the day after tomorrow."
Radek shrugged. "It could have been worse," he said cheerfully. "At least he didn't turn into a penguin."
~~~
Atlantis quickly got used to the head of the science department being an orang-utan.* The marines hardly ever understood what McKay was talking about anyway, his scientists were well-versed in the art of interpretative gesticulating, and Ronon kept away anyone who might have done something stupid like ask if Rodney was the fifth member of The Monkees who'd left before they became famous.
Ronon also helped with the repairs Rodney was using to distract himself.
"Ook."
"Phillips or flathead?"
"Ook."
Ronon reached into his hair. After a bit of rooting around, he pulled out a knife, another knife, a throw star, a power bar, an epi-pen, yet another knife, and finally a flathead screwdriver. He held it out to Rodney.
Rodney stared at Ronon, at the screwdriver in his hand, at Ronon's hair.
"Ook?"
"The beads are made of sapient pearwood," Ronon said, like that explained everything. Rodney rolled his eyes, and went back to work.
~~~
*The learning curve was steep: "Hey, why's there a monkey in the mess hall?" - "Ook." - "Holy shiaaaaaaargh!"
~~~
Two days later, Teyla, half a dozen Athosians, Lorne, and Sheppard stepped through the Gate. Sheppard blinked.
"Uh. Why's there a-"
"Sir!" The nearest guard saluted smartly. "Welcome back to Atlantis, Sir!"
"Yeah, thanks," John said, wearing a puzzled frown. "Look, have you noticed there's a-"
"Dr. McKay had an accident with a device, Sir!" the guard bellowed. There were little beads of sweat on his forehead. "It turned him into an orang-utan. Sir!"
Sheppard blinked again. "McKay's a monkey?"
Silence spread across the gateroom like ripples on a pond after someone had thrown in a brick. The only sound was the soft thump of Rodney's feet as he swung himself down from the railing of the control room walkway and landed on the gateroom floor. He padded over to Sheppard and stared at him for a moment.
Then he patted his hand, and yanked him into the direction of the lab, Zelenka, and the device.
Sam made a mental note to put the guard down for a commendation.
~~~
"That was weird," John said.
"Tell me about it." Rodney finished his second banana and started in on the third. "You know," he said around a mouthful, "there should definitely be post-trauma sex."
"Yeah," John rolled his eyes, "because you're so irresistible now you've gotten in touch with your inner animal."
"I can bend my knees behind my head now," Rodney said.
John reached for his fly. "Take off your shirt."
~~~
Deep in the night, there was a deep whump from grounding station three, and the lights flickered again. But nobody even noticed.*
~~~
*Well, one of the night guards thought he heard someone scream, "OhshitohshitohshitI'mgoingtodie!" He dismissed it as a figment of his imagination.
~~~
The End. *coughs*