Fic: This Instead (McKay/Zelenka)

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Title: This Instead
Author: bard_mercutio
Pairing: Radek Zelenka/Rodney McKay
Rating: NC-17
Recipient: flubber2kool (yes, the lucky thing got two fics!)
Spoilers: Through Trinity.
Summary: Radek has spent enough time watching Rodney to know what he needs, if not whether Rodney will accept it.
Author's Note: Dom/sub theme, first time, consensual.



If it is love, Radek does not know.

There are many things that he and Rodney do not talk about. It is a joy having someone like Rodney who does not so much finish Radek's thoughts as anticipate them and whose thoughts he can equally follow without clumsy things such as words to intrude and make understanding less clear.

It is so with the Atlantis expedition. The polyglot of languages spoken by its members is both a barrier and a tool. They are diversity and among them, much is contained.

So he does not know. Not for certain, not in the way that movies or books would have him know. He does not have such an easily labeled claim that can be touted to others or marked on a form. Like so, Radek Zelenka, dependents: none.

What he has is between them only. He would call it private except they share the same communion in public and that more than naked bodies is what is too stark and intimate between them for the sight of others, and yet they do it and no one says stop or caution. He would say that what they have is exclusive, except Radek would more readily forbid others to see Rodney's excited bounce, the rocking on the balls of his feet that says happiness so eloquently, than he would to forbid Rodney the comfort of another's embrace.

It is not hard for Radek to love Rodney. And he does. It is not hard for him to loathe Rodney either and at times he does that too.

Rodney is Rodney and Radek finds 'asshole' more descriptive than the words of his native language for how it is that Rodney is ego and brash manners and not noticing others except as obstacles.

Stepping on feet and bruising egos and leaving the wreckage behind for Radek. Rodney is just so.

He is also other things.

They who say Rodney is all me me me now now now and unable to hide anything fail to watch him closely enough. Rodney is these things, yes, Radek does not deny it. But he is also creased brows and slumped shoulders and bleakness in the back of his eyes, because Rodney is most certainly this --

He is too intelligent, too imaginative, too unable not to think to know every bad end that can come to them here in this pitiless galaxy.

Others can deny, can put away thoughts of death and dying and friends who are no longer there. Can make themselves believe in hope. Or at least stop thinking about doom.

Rodney, Radek knows, cannot.

For this alone, Radek cannot ever hate the man.

But that is not all. For everywhere that Radek must go, for every sleepless period where he must push himself and find both strength and courage when he has no more to give, Rodney is there. An equal partner who struggles with the same burdens and so renders them less impossible. Not so for Rodney. Rodney goes past where Radek fears to venture, into dangers he is relieved not to have to face and he is alone in them. Rodney goes with Sheppard off-world, ends up at the bottom of the ocean, at the point of a knife, and for all that Radek admires the colonel and respects the man's friendship with Rodney, Sheppard cannot share these things with Rodney. What it is to do those things and be a scientist, to have no comforting lies like training and purpose to make them less frightening and terrible.

The colonel does not. He cannot.

It is Radek's guilt that he as well does not. That he lets Rodney protect him and keep him safely away from dangerous adventures. His unpaid gift from Rodney.

No, never hate for Rodney.

This instead.

The first time. Following Rodney as Rodney leaves the lab for the night. Walking beside Rodney to his room. Again, no words necessary between them to say that Rodney is confused and unsure of Radek's intentions or that Radek will not be dissuaded. They know these things between them and go there silent of discussion about hows and whys.

Rodney stopping inside. A pause and then the shoulders come together as Rodney prepares to defend himself against whatever assault may come.

There is a moment's pause. Almost awkwardness as they acknowledge each other's intentions and what it is that lies between them.

It is obvious why Radek has come here with Rodney and it is obvious as well that Rodney will not turn him down.

The questions Rodney's face shifts through are not those. He settles on, "Why now?"

There are as many answers as questions and Radek says only, "It seemed right," because he does not know why he has not come before. Why it should be that night and not any other.

Rodney is tentative here. Hands barely moving. Fingers twitching to begin a gesture, then stopping themselves from saying anything.

The initiative is Radek's and he knows then what it is that he has to give Rodney. What it is perhaps that Rodney needs, and he takes a larger risk than stepping through the gate when he reaches for Rodney's hand and says, "Let me."

It is then that rejection quivers between them for a moment. Radek can hear Rodney's unspoken denials, his incipient panic and how it is that Rodney is tempted.

"I don't--" Rodney says, not stopping him, broad, slightly sweating hand engulfing Radek's smaller one. An essay in those words of how Rodney does not need or expect anything, least of all some scenario or game.

"--if it does not suit," Radek counters immediately, because this is both those things, yet not, because he does care and he will not let this become something stilted or wrong for the two of them.

"It's not that," Rodney says, because it isn't that, although Radek can clearly read his relief as well that there are limits and that this is no takeover attempt. Rodney is no one to be taken over, no matter what this is.

"Not yet," Radek responds and draws Rodney closer to him through his hold on the other man's hand. "It could be," he says honestly. He is offering Rodney himself as much as he is also laying out terms for Rodney's surrender to him.

"Maybe," Rodney says and it's just the one word, spoken with a fearful anticipation.

Radek could marvel at how easily they have come to agreement and with how few words passed between them. They will try this then.

"You will do as I say," Radek says, these words not for establishing agreement, but for effect. "You will do as I wish to please me and perhaps if you are lucky or good, I will do the same for you."

Rodney's face flushes and his hand tightens on Radek's. "Not just like that."

Radek does not allow his expression to change at all, retaining his calm, detached appearance. "I think, perhaps yes, just like that," he says, watching the effect of his words upon Rodney, seeing the near imperceptible shiver Rodney gives.

He releases Rodney's hand, stepping back to give himself room to look and them room for later. "Take off your shirt."

"It's too cold for that," Rodney complains, but he removes the shirt nonetheless, closing his arms over his chest when he is done.

Radek steps foward again, placing his hand lightly on Rodney's crossed forearms. "Then you can use gene to raise the temperature." He leans in and kisses Rodney, assaying thin, slightly parted lips.

Rodney responds too late to the kiss; Radek has already pulled back and Rodney sways toward him for a moment, eyes opening. "You kissed me. There's going to be kissing?"

"Yes. Unless you do not wish--"

"No, kissing's good," Rodney says too quickly.

Radek turns away and goes to sit on the side of the bed. "Come here, please," he says, pointing to the floor beside the bed.

"This can't be good for my knees," Rodney complains, but he kneels willingly enough.

Radek reaches out. Touches Rodney's hair, then his forehead, the line of his cheek, his face. "I will not leave you there so long."

Rodney watches him, flushing as Radek catches his gaze.

"You are doing well," Radek tells him.

"I know that!" Rodney snaps and this is something Radek expected, something he can handle. Moments of doubt on Rodney's part. "And I'm well-aware of the cliches about--" About those under high pressure wanting to be on their knees.

Radek shakes his head. "This is not that," Radek tells him, because it is not, it is about Rodney and about Radek and about how Atlantis exists around them and in them and because of them.

They share a moment between them, trust given and received, then Radek says, "The rest now, please."

Rodney slides down to sit on the floor. "This would have been easier earlier."

"You are good at it," Radek says, observing how easily Rodney removes his boots. Military boots are a trial.

"Way too much practice." Rodney slows down as he removes first his trousers, then the rest of his clothing. He is reluctant to return to a kneeling position, protective of his nakedness.

"Good, very good," Radek says, and takes his time looking at Rodney, giving Rodney his full attention and appreciation. Rodney is solid and male and yes, not uninterested in what they are doing. His penis is mostly hard and Radek suspects any lack there is due to nerves not lack of desire.

He strokes Rodney's face again as Rodney calms down. "Touch yourself for me."

The flush again and now Radek can follow it further across Rodney's too white skin.

"Show me how you touch yourself," Radek commands, and Rodney obeys, one hand rising to tweak a stiff nipple while the other falls to his lap.

It is a beautiful sight. The flush, Rodney's embarrassment at showing this private moment off and the pleasure he takes in doing so. How his penis stiffens at Radek's words before Rodney encloses it in his fist.

"Beautiful," Radek tells him, the Czech word slipping from his lips.

Rodney looks up, and Radek's eyes give him the translation.

"You--? Really?" Rodney asks.

"Yes. Very much so," Radek says, putting his hand on Rodney's chin and drawing him back to him. "Stop now. Kiss me."

Rodney has to kneel up to reach. His chest is half-splayed across Radek's lap and Radek finds this pleasing.

He keeps his hands firmly on Rodney's face to control the kiss, but Rodney is much more responsive now, lips opening and yielding under his. Hot and wet inside and this is *want* for Radek now.

When Radek lets Rodney go, they both are panting.

So many things he wants to do. Radek contemplates telling Rodney to suck him, but that is too easy. Not enough.

"Up on the bed now. Across my lap," Radek says, scooting back to give him room.

Rodney hesitates. "Face up or down?"

"Which do you wish to give me to play with?" Radek asks him, but it is rhetorical. It is his decision. "Up for now, so I can see you."

"I'm too heavy for you," Rodney says, lying himself awkwardly out full-length, ass resting in Radek's lap where Radek sits halfway down the bed.

Face up embarrasses Rodney. He is still blushing. Radek examines Rodney's genitals critically, inpecting them minutely. He does not let Rodney squirm away from his hands, nor does he follow any hints Rodney's hips make, as they try to thrust Rodney's penis into Radek's hand.

"Is there a point to this?" Rodney asks.

It is not the irritated tone that Rodney would like it to be. Radek knows that intimately. It is impatience and wanting more bound up with need.

"That I may do as like with you and you will lie there and take it." Radek corrects himself immediately. "No, that you will lie there and enjoy it. You like it that I do as I like with you."

Rodney can't hide the tremble that goes through him nor how his penis leaps in Radek's hand. "It doesn't mean anything."

"It means that for here and for now you are mine."

"As long as you get on with it!"

Radek clucks his tongue at that and runs one finger along the underside of Rodney's penis. "I do not think that is what you want. I think you want to see how far you will go to please me."

Rodney's body tenses. "How far *I'll* go--"

"Yes," Radek tells him, hands shifting. Stroking Rodney's leg as he watches for signs of bolting on Rodney's face. "It is what this is about, yes? Being able to please someone?" Not for Rodney to do all that he can do and succeed at it, because Rodney does that all the time. But to be rewarded for it and feel that he deserves it?

"They should be pleased," is what Rodney tells him and Radek nods.

"They should. It is not enough though."

"No." Rodney sighs and tension flows out of him. Too much. His erection softens. "This isn't enough either."

"Is enough." Radek knows it is. They have simply said more than they should when they should have been doing instead. He takes Rodney's penis in his hand. "Hard for me. Now."

The demand has Rodney shuddering disbelievingly as his body does, firming in Radek's hand. "Fuck."

"Yes," Radek says triumphantly. It is sexy, doing this to Rodney. Having Rodney respond to him like this. He gives Rodney's erection several jerks before pausing again. Rodney's hips don't stop when Radek does. "Tell me what you want, Rodney."

It is a risk, that Rodney may have not reached the same conclusion or, having reached it, abandoned it. But Rodney says, "I want you to like that I got hard for you. I want you to like that I'll do what you say."

"I do," Radek assures him and, licking his hand, wraps it around Rodney's penis again. "Fuck my hand."

And Rodney does. He desn't have the leverage and it can't be comfortable for him laying like that, but Rodney does and doesn't stop.

Radek watches him. Watches Rodney's face. "Do not come," he tells him, although Radek does not know how well Rodney can hold that back.

It is as though Rodney is aching to do his bidding and, although Radek knows that this is a lie outside of this room, outside of this moment, he wants Rodney very badly indeed.

"Stop," Radek says finally, and lets out a hissing breath when Rodney does. He loosens his hand and pushes Rodney away a little so he can lean forward enough to swipe the very tip of his tongue at him. He tastes Rodney there, evidence of how close Rodney is. "Good."

Rodney shudders again at that word and so Radek repeats it.

"Good Rodney."

"This had better end up being as good as it feels like," Rodney mutters. "Or I'm going to have to rewrite the laws of physics just so I can come back here and do it again and do it right the next time."

"It will be better," Radek promises him, chuckling a little. He wonders what will be best for Rodney. What will make him come hardest, will be hardest for him to do for Radek and therefore make Rodney the most satisfied to accomplish?

He decides, and pats Rodney's thigh. "Sit up now."

When Rodney moves, Radek stands and stretches. He feels Rodney's eyes following him. "The next part will be easier if you have lubricant of some sort, I think. Do you?"

Rodney looks offended. "Of course, I do. I make it myself."

"Up then. Get it for me."

As Rodney stands, Radek sits back down where he was before.

It is a small room. Rodney does not have to move far. But it is a pleasure to have Rodney standing there nude, waiting on him.

Radek holds out his hand and Rodney gives him the jar. "Lie down again. On your front this time."

There are other positions, but Radek enjoys this one for the symbolism of Rodney placing himself in his lap, whether or not Rodney actually fits there. "Kneel up a little and spread your legs."

He has Rodney's ass there presented to him. To spank or pat or pinch as he wants. All his. Rodney's legs are not as far apart as they could be if he were in another position, but this is enough.

"I am going to play with your ass," Radek announces as he opens the jar. He keeps his tone as matter-of-fact as he can, although the words themselves are arousing. "I am going to put my fingers in it and open it up and after you have finished fucking yourself on my fingers, you are going to fuck yourself on me."

Rodney's moan is lovely, Radek decides.

"You may come on my fingers," he says, as he slicks the first two up. Setting the jar aside, he runs his fingertip down the cleft of Rodney's ass. "I think I would like that, that you would be so desperate that you would come with only fingers."

He lets his index finger stroke over Rodney's hole without entering it. This earns him a whimper, so Radek does it again and again, until Rodney is whimpering continuously.

"Ssh," Radek says, "Here you are," and he strokes inside, just a little, enjoying the way that Rodney pushes back onto his finger. "So good, so beautiful. You are perfect, Rodney." He lets his other fingertip join it, pushing slowly and firmly.

The moan he gets is more of a sob, but when Radek pushes in, it's only with one finger at first.

Preparing Rodney is slow, one finger turning to two, and Radek begins spinning fantasies out loud again. "After you have come on my fingers, I will enjoy you fucking yourself on me. I would like to come like that. Of course, you will have to find out for yourself how to move to do that. If you come again then when you are fucking yourself on me, I think I will let you use your mouth to clean me up afterward. I will only open my pants to fuck you, of course, but you will still get to suck me. Would you like that, Rodney?"

Throughout this, Rodney has been rubbing his erection against Radek's leg, without any other stimulation to help him.

Rodney stiffens at the question. "Oh fuck," he says, the words squeezed out as he comes. "That's dirty."

"But you like the idea," Radek says. The fingers of his right hand are still in Rodney's ass, but he reaches out, petting Rodney's hair with his left.

"It's disgusting and unsanitary and--"

Radek has not stopped fingering Rodney. Rodney is still not as loose as Radek would like, although he is almost there. Radek is aware that things could stop here. That, having come, Rodney could plead temporary insanity due to arousal and call it all off. It would be disappointing. Profoundly disappointing. But he would stop.

"--and I'll probably do it if you want me to."

That earns Rodney a third finger. "My god, you are sexy. Yes, I want you to."

"If I last through you fucking yourself on me, I'll probably still be turned on enough to do it," Rodney confesses in a soft, almost broken voice.

When Rodney is loose enough, Radek removes his fingers and wipes them against the bed.

As he does so, Rodney stretches and a yawn escapes him.

Radek freezes. "Unless you are too tired?"

"Too tired for the best sex of my life?" Rodney gives him an incredulous look.

Radek is aware that his smile is more than a little silly as he looks down at Rodney. "The best?"

"Definitely." Rodney moves to straddle Radek and takes Radek's hand, moving it down his body. "Here. Feel."

Rodney is getting hard again already.

"It's been a long time," Rodney says with a lopsided smile. He kisses Radek. "Not that I'll necessarily come again, but for sex like this, I'll try."

Then Radek's helping Rodney position himself and nothing matters but the feeling of Rodney around him. Nothing but tight and hot and oh god oh god oh god.

Afterwards, they do not talk about it except in half-words of "I--" and "--yes, when--" and "Exactly, we have to--" and Rodney does not say thank you and Radek does not say love.

They both know what they mean.