Fic: Question of Faith (McKay/Sheppard, NC-17)
Title: QUESTION OF FAITH
Author: tarlanx
Written for: misalady You asked for Pretty much anything Rodney-centric, including: First time together. Slash. Friendship-into-more. Rodney/John, particularly angsting about "John can't be gay". Anything NC-17. Anything sweet and happy by the end is good.
I really do hope you like the story! Merry Christmas!
NOTE: Mentions canon Rodney/Jennifer moments. Dialog taken from The Last Man. I want to thank two wonderful friends who beta'ed this for me... their insight was invaluable! I'll name them after the Jan 1st reveal so I don't give away my identity :-D
SPOILERS: Anything up to Brainstorm, and then it goes AU. I do hope that won't stop you from enjoying the story!
***
QUESTION OF FAITH
"You know you shouldn't interfere... but I do know why you're going to anyway."
Of all the beings Rodney had thought to meet following ascension, perhaps he shouldn't have been surprised that it was Daniel Jackson. After all the man had a track record that already included two ascensions--and subsequent de-ascensions--and he had disappeared over a decade earlier on an unsuccessful mission to stop Michael's army from gaining a foothold in the Milky Way. They never did find the body and now Rodney knew why.
Rodney accepted the mug of coffee from Daniel and glanced around the strange diner with its melamine table tops, faux-leather booths and its 50s style jukebox standing in one corner. He knew this was Daniel's favorite meeting place from the notes Daniel had left behind detailing his previous ascensions, and he wondered if it was constructed from some distant happy memory or just an illusion created from watching too many episodes of Happy Days as a kid. Whatever the case, Rodney kind of liked it here; as did some of the others who had dropped in to surreptitiously keep an eye on the new boy.
Rodney gave a soft accusing huff. "You of all people should understand."
Daniel gave a sheepish grin, eyes glancing around the diner, obviously to check if anyone was paying any closer attention than necessary. "Well, I'll admit I've been in your shoes once or twice. Just try to be... subtle about it."
"Subtle?" Rodney huffed again. "That's my middle name."
Daniel leaned in closer, smiling warmly before his expression turned serious, his hand reaching out to lie on top of Rodney's. Energy passed between them, a flicker that warmed him and strengthened him for the task ahead. "If you do this then you will change everything."
"Really?" Rodney exclaimed in mock horror, and then he dropped the worried act and slumped a little, recalling the moments leading up to finding himself in this place.
After completing the programming of the holographic interface, he had slipped away to a laboratory he had sealed decades earlier, and let the ribbon of energy from the ascension machine wrap around him once more. Knowing what to expect, it had been easy to hide his new awareness and increasing intelligence. Instead of flaunting the changes, he had hidden himself away in the quarters assigned to him and focused on reaching the right level for ascension, all the while recalling John's attempts to help him meditate with nostalgic pleasure. He remembered the glow in the candlelit room, and the waves of anxiety rolling off of John that had made it so hard to focus inward. The temptation to read John's thoughts had been so strong but he'd resisted because stealing Carson's donut was one thing, stealing another's private thoughts was something else entirely, especially those of a close friend.
In truth reaching ascension had come easier this time around because he had already dealt with his boatload of regrets, putting all his faith in the math that would bring John home and save two galaxies. Admittedly, seeking ascension had been an afterthought that had come to him in the middle of the Lantean night barely a week earlier, and Rodney had seen it as more of an insurance policy rather than a desirable and fitting end to his mortal existence.
"You might never get this chance again." Daniel warned, and Rodney knew he wasn't talking about drinking coffee in the Twilight Zone for the rest of eternity, or until someone else used a reconstructed Merlin device to destroy all the ascended beings in this galaxy as Daniel had with the Ori.
Rodney cleared his throat and gave Daniel a watery smile. "For all their delusions of godhood, they really are not all-powerful, all-seeing and all-knowing. If it's meant to be then it will happen whether they want me to ascend or not."
Daniel grinned with pleasure this time, his blue eyes twinkling and head nodding in agreement because the past twenty-six years had made Rodney older but also wiser. Or maybe the changes had started to take place before then, when he stepped through the Stargate into a lost city in another galaxy, or maybe even before that when a handsome, dark-haired man had sat down in a chair and proclaimed: "Did I do that?"
"Never figured you for the fatalistic type," Daniel murmured cheekily, not giving Rodney a chance to respond before asking, "More coffee?"
Re-obtaining ascension in a brand new time line was the least of Rodney's worries. What concerned him more was the years of math that couldn't factor in the possibility that Atlantis would even still exist 48 thousand years in the future. Even as one of the ascended Rodney couldn't see into the future but what he could do was spend the next 48 thousand years making the smallest adjustments--a nudge here, a nudge there--and hope that the holographic program created during his mortal lifetime could be manipulated in small ways to bring about the desired end result, preferably without attracting the wrath of the other ascended. He hoped that by the time they figured out what he was doing it would be too late and everything would have changed. This time line would have ceased to exist in its current form, and only one being would remain in existence who might truly comprehend what he had done in the name of love.
That person wouldn't be anyone seated in this diner because the Rodney of twenty-six years ago had been oblivious to how he felt about John. That Rodney had denied every skip of his heart beat, every flip of his stomach as mere friendship for John--until Jennifer died, leaving him with nothing but memories and the truth that he didn't miss her as much as he still ached for John.
Daniel squeezed his hand and leaned across the table, warm lips touching Rodney's, breathing hope and faith into Rodney's newly ascended form. The kiss deepened and Rodney let himself fall into a swirling sea of passion, full of acceptance and love. When Daniel drew back, Rodney sighed in loss. Not so much for Daniel but for the one regret that had chased him through the past decades--his regret that he hadn't understood how much John meant to him until he realized that he could bring him home.
That simple revelation had opened Rodney's eyes, and like a blind man suddenly gifted with the miracle of sight, he could no longer bear to live in the darkness of denial. For the next twenty-five years of his life after that, all of his being was drawn to that distant goal, and he had fallen asleep every night with dreams of holding John in his arms and holding him forever.
"Good luck, Rodney."
Rodney nodded and rose from the table, aware that they would never speak of this again if only to conceal Rodney's plans from the others. As he began to fade away from Daniel's diner, he thought he saw Jack O'Neill step out from behind the bar, a spatula in hand as if he'd been turning meat at a barbecue. Perhaps he had in Daniel's world.
***
As the millennia passed, Atlantis moved many times and Rodney followed her from world to world, from galaxy to galaxy, spending years at a time patiently watching over her as mortals tried to use her to save themselves from the terrible enemy that had spread from Pegasus to slowly choke the Milky Way. Often they came close to discovering the holographic program buried in her depths but a small distraction would pull their attention away, leaving it safely hidden for another century or more.
He watched battles rage above her soaring towers, recalling the siege he had lived through as a human in that first year. He had no memory of the darts with their culling beams, being too busy hidden away in her laboratories building nuclear bombs and desperately trying to link up the Chair to the puddlejumpers so no one had to make an ultimate sacrifice.
So long, Rodney.
Had he ever truly forgiven John for that pathetic excuse of a goodbye?
Later, with John by his side, he'd watched in morbid fascination as Wraith fire rained down upon the shield like fiery droplets, confused by the elation he'd felt at the warm presence bleeding into his fear-chilled blood. Eventually he had excused his high strung emotions as battle fatigue and the relief of not losing his best friend to a bomb built with his own hands, resisting every urge to pull John into his arms and hold him so tight that he might never let him go.
He should have known then how much John meant to him. He should have recognized the truth and grabbed at John with both hands instead of lying to both of them. So many wasted years had passed between them. So many failed relationships because nothing was as strong as the friendship and love that he had unknowingly felt for John--except at the time he would never have believed John could be interested in him that way. He'd been oblivious to the covert glances, to the strangely gentle touches and the teasing that equated to little more than pig-tail pulling.
With the gift of ascension he could relive all of those wasted moments and see them with fresh eyes. Admittedly he could explain away most of the significant events as one friend looking out for another, such as the shock and dismay on John's face when he showed the engagement ring meant for Katie. John had tried to hide his pain behind his words to go get the girl. Hollow words ringing with sound but no feeling, no truth. Katie hadn't been right for him and maybe John had known that all along but hadn't wanted to interfere, hadn't wanted to test the strength of their friendship by telling him the truth.
How could he have been so blind? How could he not have seen how much it had torn John up inside? Perhaps if he'd concentrated on the little things then he might have noticed the fond glances, the gentle touches, and the anger when he put his life in danger. Instead, he'd been too caught up in first Sam then Katie, and then admiring Jennifer from afar.
Katie was part of the long dead past now along with Jennifer and Sam, though he had loved them with most of his heart at the time, just not all of it. Now he looked only to the future, to John, and a love that could stand the test of time--as long as Atlantis survived.
He no longer hid inside her walls, cowering behind crates and consoles while enemies slashed at her shields.
Now he could weave among the screaming spacecraft, watching the display of laser fire punching through the darkness of the night to blossom against the shield, and knowing the smallest deflection of a drone or targeting system would save Atlantis from total destruction. He could slip through the smoke-filled corridors unseen to stop stray gunfire from damaging vital systems while other projectiles or phaser fire scorched and dented less sensitive surfaces. It was nothing anyone would notice unless they were watching very closely.
Occasionally he felt the presence of other ascended beings, convinced one time that he'd seen Daniel and O'Neill but they'd gone before he could reach out a tendril of energy to touch them.
He was lonely, and when it all became too much to bear, he would find himself in some place far more luxurious than that 50s diner, sharing sweet exchanges of energy with the ascended Daniel and Jack. In corporeal form they would press hungry kisses to silken flesh, mouths and lips worshiping the perfection of unblemished skin, fingers and tongues skimming across sensitive nipples. Hours, days, perhaps decades would pass without meaning as they sank into each other in turn, whispering powerful promises that there would be no regrets when the time came for him to leave.
Atlantis would be waiting for him, sometimes teaming with mortal life but often empty. Strangely, he loved those times best when he could wander through all her corridors and explore every tower and laboratory as if mortal himself. He would hear her whisper to him, offering up all her secrets from the private observatory at the top of the far eastern tower to Janus's hidden laboratory at the base of another.
Eventually she would be found again.
Over the centuries, he wept when her shields failed and her peaceful people were slaughtered, unable to intervene lest he gave himself away to the other ascended - hardened by the knowledge that if his plans succeeded then their tragic deaths might never come to pass. Instead he waited out her enemies as they walked through her scorched corridors, knowing they would fall too, eventually. He spent twelve millennia watching her slowly crumble in the dust of an alien world on the edge of the Ori galaxy while he nurtured her shields to keep the worst damage at bay. He rejoiced when humans finally returned to rebuild her towers and restore her shields and hyperdrives, seeing and hearing their amazement that she was not more damaged. They would never know that he'd shielded her as best he could given the strict limits placed upon him regarding any interference in mortals' lives.
With a little prompting in the form of dreams, Atlantis took flight once more only to be abandoned on a distant world, deep within the same alien ocean that Rodney had called home all those millennia ago. In a thousand years, John would step through the Stargate into her atrium and the holographic program Rodney had created so long ago would activate at John's presence.
He left her with enough power in her shields to protect her for those thousand years even though he never intended to be gone that long, almost startled when he felt the wake up call from the holographic program, drawing him back.
***
By the time he reached Atlantis, John was in the hologram room, standing over the console while the disembodied voice of Rodney's former self was telling him to activate the hologram. He was frozen for a moment, caught by the almost forgotten beauty of this man as John waved a hand over the panel, time standing still for a moment before he realized what he had to do. He slipped into the program, letting the image project his older self.
"Hey there."
"Rodney?"
"God, it's good to see you again."
After all these millennia, seeing John's face and hearing his voice was both pleasure and torture even if he was hiding his fear with anger and frustration. Every fiber of Rodney's being craved to take solid human form and reach out to John, to touch him, but Rodney resisted. As long as he remained within the boundaries of the original holographic program then none of the others would interfere, but what the others had forgotten over the millennia they had spent as ascended beings was the power of faith. Perhaps he could not touch John with his hands but maybe he could reach him with his words instead, and by his complete trust in John to set the past right and hence the future straight.
He was watching closely when the realization struck John that his Rodney was dead, turned to dust thousands of years ago along with everyone else that John had known. It was the little things again, not the horror in John's eyes mingled with an unwillingness to believe purely because Rodney was standing right in front of him. No, it was the way John refused to look away, taking in every part of Rodney's seamed face, every line of his body as if storing up the memory for a lifetime of loss.
They walked together along corridors that Rodney had not seen in a thousand years with all of Rodney's focus intent on the man walking by his side, drinking in the sight of him. There had been times over the passing centuries when his faith had faltered and he had wondered if he was doing the right thing but any remaining doubts fled him now. He let the program speak for him, the words bringing back vivid memories of those days after John disappeared and of finding Teyla too late to save a galaxy.
Turning the corner, he almost forgot that he was supposed to be just a hologram as he looked on in shock.
Sand filled the corridor ahead of them, which should have been impossible because he had sunk the city himself. He had sent her to the bottom of the ocean where she would be hidden with a lock on her Stargate that would only accept a single incoming wormhole: the wormhole through a solar flare that would bring John back to Atlantis. He let John guide them to the only other way to the stasis chamber.
Leaving John on the pretext of inputting new solar flare requirements into the long-range sensors, Rodney passed through the city, flying above the towers to gaze across what should have been a wide ocean only to see sand stretching from one horizon to the other. He looked up and stared at the enlarged, red disc of the sun.
For over 48 thousand years he had watched the birth and death of stars while he waited for John's return so he knew there was no natural reason for the sun in this system to be dying above Atlantis long before its due time. Rodney recognized the hand of other ascended in this, only now realizing that some of those whose presence he had felt through the years must have come to sabotage his plans. Perhaps luckily for him, they had been bound by the same rules of non-interference except by subtle means. Yet killing a star could hardly be called subtle.
When he returned what seemed to be only moments later, seven hours had passed for John and the look in John's eyes held more than simple relief at seeing him again. How had Rodney never noticed the way John looked at him before this day? For all his former taunts that John never really saw it coming, perhaps he had been just as oblivious. John seemed to calm down quickly.
"I found out what happened to the ocean."
It had taken him a while to program a few new variables into the original program but he could play dirty too, to counterbalance the work of the others. He watched as John set out into the sandstorm, waiting until John was lost within the wind and sand before leaving the hologram. It would carry on with its programming, projecting itself across to the other side where it would wait for John. In the meantime, although Rodney couldn't simply transport John across to safety or stop the raging storm, he could deflect some of the sand particles to give John a better chance of surviving. Several times he saw John fall to his knees as the wind lashed the sand against John's body, silently willing John to find his feet. For the first time he truly understood what Daniel had gone through during that time when Ba'al had taken Jack prisoner, torturing and killing him, only to bring him back to life within the sarcophagus so he could do it over and over, and Daniel had not been allowed to interfere. All Daniel could do was stand by impotently and hope his words alone might give Jack the strength to go on until rescue came. The same applied now, with Rodney's voice trying to be John's anchor to life while Rodney made minuscule changes to the wind to nudge John in the right direction, recalling with a wry smile how terrible John's sense of direction had been in the past.
When John reached the other side, Rodney almost faded away in relief until John fell to the floor and didn't move for the rest of the night, his breathing weak and shallow. Only the knowledge that John's heart was still beating kept the panic at bay. Eventually John came around, and Rodney led him to the stasis chamber that he had prepared so long ago.
"You know, you never told me what happened to you, in the past."
It was the question Rodney had been dreading because he would have to tell him only a half truth, how he had ended up with Jennifer until the Hoffan virus took her life and how he had spent the rest of his mortal lifetime searching for a way to bring John home. Mostly he dreaded it because it would sound as if he had done it to save Jennifer, and that was a long way from the whole truth. He had done this for all of them, for Teyla and her baby, for Ronon and Sam, for Jennifer and all the millions of humans who were murdered or changed by Michael but, mostly, he had done this for John.
The end came quickly after that.
For almost eight hundred years he watched over John as he slept, sometimes staying for years purely to stare into his beautiful face, memorizing every line, every curve from the shape of his lips to every fleck of green and gold in his eyes. Old bedtime stories haunted him with thoughts of Sleeping Beauty hidden away in a lost kingdom, awaiting the day when his beloved would return to awaken him with a kiss so they could ride off together into a golden sunrise. Instead, he awoke John with a thought and led him through the hellfire of a red dwarf, protected only by the shields that Rodney had raised to encompass the whole route back to the Stargate so John would not have to face the terrifying, mirrored surface from where even the sand had melted beneath the heat of the expanding and dying sun.
John turned to him as the chevrons began to encode.
"Rodney?"
He raised a hand, reaching for the hologram, his fingers brushing through the outer edges as if he believed that all he had to do was touch and Rodney would be real. The temptation was so strong, to solidify for just a moment if only just so his lips could brush across John's.
"There isn't much time," he murmured instead, aware that if this worked then he was facing the end of his existence after 48 thousand years of being the caretaker of Atlantis. "I've sent your IDC... the shield's down." He put all the love and faith he'd held for John through 48 thousand years into one final look of longing. "John," he breathed hoarsely.
"Rodney," John whispered back, eyes widening. Then he turned and ran...and Rodney ceased to be.
***
The first person John saw when he ran through the gate was also the last person he'd seen before leaving Atlantis moments earlier, except younger.
"It worked! It worked. Rodney! You're a genius!"
This Rodney McKay hadn't been alone for 26 years working to bring him back, but maybe those missing twelve days had seemed enough like an eternity to him. Certainly he looked tired and drawn, as if the weight of two whole galaxies had weighed down on his shoulders. In truth, John knew that look well; perhaps too well. It was the look Rodney had given on seeing Carson resurrected from the dead. It was confusion, disbelief and hope intermingled, and anger too, simmering at the edges as if John was to blame for the pain Rodney had suffered during those twelve days. John could think of only one way to defuse all the emotions bubbling just beneath the surface.
"I know where Teyla is."
The crystal given to him by the older Rodney was burning a hole in the palm of his hand so he gave it to this Rodney. As their fingers brushed, the shock of flesh meeting flesh almost overwhelmed him. He hadn't realized until this moment how much he had needed to be touched by Rodney, how unsatisfactory it had been to stare at the image of a man he had desired for so long and not be able to press a hand to Rodney's shoulder, or slap him lightly on the back. Even the lines of age had not blunted that desire. If anything, the sight of Rodney as he would look decades into their future had driven an ice shard into John's heart because he wanted to be with him for every one of those years. He wanted them to grow old together even if that meant watching Rodney marry someone like Keller, and only be his friend instead of his lover.
John glanced up into wide and startlingly blue eyes, drinking Rodney in like a man dying of thirst in the desert. A lifetime of self-restraint kicked in and he pulled back before he lost all control and pulled Rodney into his arms, aware that there was too much at stake to risk breaking down now. The other Rodney had entrusted him with all his hopes for a better future, and John couldn't fail him, not after Rodney had spent a lifetime pursuing this one dream.
He pulled back and made a silent promise that he hoped he could keep. They would find Teyla, they would destroy Michael and they would end the scourge of the Wraith in this galaxy. Earth would never have to fear Michael's armies and the Pegasus galaxy would be free to reclaim its former glory. Teyla would not be killed moments after giving birth to her child, and neither Ronon nor Sam would sacrifice themselves in the terrible war that had come in that alternate time line.
And this Rodney wouldn't spend the whole of his life alone, trying to fix everything that had gone wrong.
He knew it was foolish to make such sweeping declarations even if only to himself but that older Rodney had believed in him, believed that he could make a difference. He had to at least try.
***
Finding Teyla had almost cost Ronon and Rodney their lives, along with his own, but as he flew the stolen dart back towards the Daedalus with his friends safely beamed into storage and Teyla's newborn in his lap, John felt only elation. If he had died in the collapsed building then he would have failed just as if he had never stepped back into Atlantis from the future, and Rodney would have lost most everyone he cared about once more. Now, as John watched Michael's hive ship explode into a million pieces, he knew that this was the defining moment that changed everything; Teyla and her child were safe, Michael was gone and Rodney would not spend the rest of his life trying to turn back time.
As the dart swept over the ground close to the Stargate, John reintegrated his passengers and set the dart down close by, grateful when Ronon took the child from his arms to hand to Rodney before helping him out of the narrow cockpit. He felt a rush of warmth flood through him as he watched Rodney cooing at the baby in his arms before passing the child across to Teyla. Rodney dialed the gate quickly, smiling back at John when they gained permission to return, and John couldn't help but grin in return even though his injury was killing him. They walked back through the gate together, with Teyla and her son held in Kanaan's arms.
Days turned to weeks and there never seemed to be enough time to sit back and reflect on what he had seen in the older Rodney's eyes in the future until he began to doubt he'd seen anything at all. Except visions from that lost future kept coming back to him, haunting his dreams. Sometimes the dreams made no sense as he saw himself gliding between the tall spires, watching plasma strikes flare against the city shield, or he'd find himself walking her long forgotten corridors, or watching strangers make their home within the city only to leave her empty once more. Once, he even dreamed of an old-fashioned diner with General O'Neill flipping burgers.
And then he would see himself, dressed just as he was when he stepped 48 thousand years into the future, with the older Rodney standing before him, the sensation like an out-of-body experience except he couldn't figure out whose body.
John thought of the hologram. For the most part he had known he was talking to a highly sophisticated program, sensing the moments when it turned inward to consult its programming and then, as if a switch had been thrown, the Rodney standing before him would take on a vibrancy that seeped into the very walls of the city. The thrum in his head would alter as if Atlantis recognized Rodney's living presence beside him, just as she always had in the past.
In those moments there had been something new in Rodney's eyes, something more alive than John had seen in any other holographic image on Atlantis. It was if Rodney was truly standing there but that wasn't possible, not 48 thousand years into the future and far beyond the capabilities of the Ancients' stasis chambers.
As he watched Rodney's almost pitiful attempts to gain Keller's attention, John began to wonder if he'd simply seen what he wanted to see. He smiled wryly to himself and took a seat at a different table.
"Colonel Sheppard?"
John grimaced and tapped his radio. "Sheppard."
"Sir, Mr. Woolsey asked me to contact you. Dr. Nichol's is overdue for his scheduled check-in."
"How long overdue?"
"One hour."
"Well, it is a bit of a hike to the gate."
"Dr. Nichols' has never missed a check-in before, Sir."
"Never?"
"Never, Sir."
"Okay. I'll round up the team."
John sighed and placed his tray back on the pile before reaching across to grab a sandwich. He made a swift detour to where Rodney was sitting with Keller.
"Gear up, McKay. One of your scientists is missing."
"What! Oh come on! Who?"
"Nichols."
Rodney rolled his eyes. "Probably building snowmen on that glacier he was so determined to study."
John smirked and walked away, unable to hide the glee-filled smile as Rodney was forced to leave Keller and follow.
***
When Ronon had first spoken of The Shrine of Talus, John's initial impulse to refuse had been the same as Keller's, though he suspected for far different reasons. Keller hadn't believed in Ronon. Until they arrived at this place and had seen the instantaneous and dramatic change in Rodney, she had thought Ronon's childhood memory of his grandfather was most likely faulty. She truly believed that by bringing Rodney here they were taking away any remaining chance of her curing him before the parasite killed him. Perhaps she'd not been in Atlantis long enough to realize that anything was possible in the Pegasus Galaxy.
John's reason for not wanting to bring Rodney here was based on pure selfishness; he hadn't wanted to say goodbye.
He had refused to say goodbye out on the pier that night and he knew he would refuse to say goodbye before Keller started her brain surgery. In truth, he never wanted to say a true goodbye to this man because the very thought of not having Rodney somewhere in his life was too shocking and too alien to imagine. If that made him a terrible friend then so be it but he had lost too many people he cared about already, and whether he wanted to acknowledge it openly or not, the feelings he had for Rodney went beyond simple caring.
He could admit it to himself though; he loved Rodney.
John watched as Rodney bumbled his way through a quiet conversation with Keller with a shyness that reminded John so much of the vulnerable, brain damaged Rodney of only a few hours earlier. It was almost too painful to watch on several levels especially as Keller smiled back at Rodney so sweetly. Yet John couldn't help recalling the way she had treated Rodney like a child since discovering the alien parasite in his brain.
He couldn't fault her on her gentleness, for Rodney had grown more childlike with each passing day, nor on her dedication in the laboratory to finding a cure. What he had disliked was the way she had stood back and put down all her doctoring tools when Jeannie insisted on her right as next of kin to bring Rodney to this shrine.
With the clock ticking down for Rodney, John hadn't stopped to wonder why Keller had come with them so ill-prepared, carrying just a small field kit but, as Rodney and Jeannie recalibrated the life signs detector, this last hour had given him time to sit and think. He thought back to the Jumper and all he could recall was her reasons not to try to save Rodney; the Jumper's maintenance power tools were not good enough and that she'd be operating in unsanitary conditions with a high risk of infection. He'd had to remind her that Rodney was going to die anyway if she did nothing, and that some chance was better than no chance.
He shouldn't have needed to remind her, and he shouldn't have been almost pathetically grateful when she quickly came round to his way of thinking.
"Jeannie?"
Rodney's voice distracted him from his thoughts of Keller and John felt his stomach twist painfully as he watched Rodney hug his sister tight. John could see the sparkle of tears in her eyes, all of them aware that these might be Rodney's last moments, his last touches and words, and he dreaded the end of that hug because then it would be his turn. He looked away, schooling his face to hide the turmoil within.
"John?"
"I'm not saying goodbye, Rodney," he forced out softly through gritted teeth, refusing to look Rodney in the face because it had been hard enough leaving a holographic image of Rodney behind in a deserted Atlantis, let alone saying goodbye to the real person. Instead, his thoughts were filled with a thousand regrets for all the things he should have said long before this day, things he could not reveal in front of Keller. The biggest of those regrets was that he had never found the right time to take Rodney aside and tell him about his other self, mostly because John had been torn between what he believed he had seen in that Rodney's eyes moments before rushing through the Stargate and the interest Rodney was showing in Keller in the here and now.
The problem was that he knew Rodney had cared for Keller in that other time line, perhaps even loved her in his own unique Rodney-way. He also knew Rodney had been happy with her for the short time they had been together before she became a victim of the Hoffan plague, and John couldn't deny that he wanted Rodney to be happy. Yet, the older Rodney had understood that changing the time line meant that he might never regain that happiness with her. He'd known this and yet he'd still gone ahead and spent the next twenty-five years of his life searching for the way to bring John home.
Rodney waited until John was forced to look him in the eye, expecting to see frustration and anger but instead seeing understanding and the slightest smile curving up the downturn corner of his mouth.
"See you later?" Rodney asked tentatively and John sagged in relief.
"Yeah, on the pier. Your turn to bring the beer."
With a twitch of those perfect lips, the smile reached Rodney's eyes and it took all of John's willpower not to draw him into a hug. He nodded instead, dropping to his knees at the end of the makeshift surgery table and offering up reassurance in a smile. Rodney drew in a deep, ragged breath and let it out slowly before lying down, long pale eyelashes batting nervously as Keller prepared the anesthesia.
"Well," Rodney stated nervously. "Here goes!"
Although Keller took Rodney through the countdown into unconsciousness, Rodney's eyes never wavered from John's until they had grown too heavy and finally closed. John tightened his grip on Rodney's head and looked down into his unconscious face, seeing again all the vulnerability and all the trust Rodney had placed in him even as his mind deteriorated.
As Keller began to drill into Rodney's skull with the maintenance power drill, John disliked her just a little bit more even though he knew he was being unreasonable.
***
He'd barely been back in Atlantis a week since attending Tunney's disasterous Physics conference and had spent most of that trying to catch up on five weeks worth of administration and laboratory checks. Zelenka was good as his deputy and having spent time among his so-called peers just recently, Rodney wouldn't want to entrust Atlantis to any other hands, but Zelenka was too soft a touch.
The botanists had used Rodney's absence to enlarge the hydroponics labs without taking into account the increased power consumptions, and the metallurgists had destroyed part of one of the smaller towers in their continuing quest to discover the composition of all the materials used to build Atlantis. Each had sworn they'd gained approval and the botanists had pointed to the small print footnotes on the relevant page in a two thousand page document on biosynthesis. There was a reason why Rodney had learned to speed read.
With Jennifer taking up his few off-duty hours, Rodney hadn't found much time to spend with his team. Not that he had been avoiding them but Jennifer had made it crystal clear that he had to do the boyfriend thing if he expected to sleep with her, which meant eating together every morning and evening. Lunch was a hurried sandwich in between rants about the incompetence of his staff.
Bumping into John in the corridor outside the control room should have been a pleasure but John barely acknoweledged him.
Rodney stared hard, tight lipped as John turned away with an almost indifferent air, except Rodney knew better. He'd known John long enough to decipher many of his expressions from playful to stone-faced seriousness to bland indifference. He knew when a look was real and when it was insincere by the glint in his eye and the curve of his lip. Every single expression held a key to the enigma that was John Sheppard and he knew that indifference hid a world of hurt but Rodney couldn't think of anything he could have done to upset John.
Rodney sighed as John turned the far corner of the corridor. It seemed the botanists and metallurgists were the least of his worries right now because his personal life had become a real mess, and the one person he'd hoped to turn to for advice over Jennifer had just walked away in a barely concealed snit.
Jennifer.
He sighed, wondering how he managed to get into such a mess in the first place because it was obvious to him now that they could never be anything more than good friends. He was almost ashamed to admit that his feelings for her had changed the moment he had finally won her affection. Joining the mile high club had been an added enticement but the sex had been mediocre at best. There had been something missing from their relationship right from the start and Rodney had no idea what it was until halfway through the journey back to Atlantis on the Daedalus when he realized they had nothing to talk about.
Rodney knew very little about medicine, except what he needed to stay alive from day-to-day, and she knew nothing about physics or engineering or astrophysics or mechanics or mathematics beyond what she needed to do her job. Even their private lives moved in different circles and he couldn't believe that she had never seen a single episode of classic Trek let alone Doctor Who. In fact she wasn't keen on science fiction, boring him to tears every evening during those weeks on board the Daedalus by forcing him to watch a string of chick movies culminating in Lost in Translation. Now that was an ordeal worse than being stuffed inside a Wraith cocoon and waiting to be fed upon. In fact, given the choice Rodney would have rather jumped into a culling beam than endure another romantic comedy or period drama even if he was being paid in sex afterwards.
The more time he spent on examining his feelings, the more he realized they had nothing whatsoever in common beyond being stationed together in another galaxy. How had he managed to miss that about her? How was he supposed to break it to her that maybe they were only ever meant to be friends? And how was he going to explain it to Ronon without the big guy using him for target practice the next time John insisted Rodney goes to the training room?
Out of uncustomary feelings of guilt he had dined with her every evening this week since their return to Atlantis but the conversation had been strained at best. She kept on at him to tell her what he was thinking and he was terrified that he would eventually blurt it all out and hurt her feelings. He really didn't want to do that because he did love her--just not in the way he thought. Perhaps if he'd not had Atlantis and his team then he might have been content to be with her but that wasn't the case.
Rodney bowed his head, slumping inwardly, finally willing to admit how much he had missed John's company.
He missed the Doctor Who marathons and racing cars in the abandoned East Pier corridors; he missed computer golf and inane conversations over which was the best superpower and the greatest superhero of all time. He missed John's goofy expressions when they tried out the piles of Ancient technology sitting in Rodney's don't touch under penalty of death box that Rodney kept under his work bench, especially the way John would look constipated when a malfunction was blocking his attempt to turn it on but he could still feel it tickling at the back of his mind.
Damn it but Rodney missed discussing his day with John at dinner, sniping at the idiots working for him while John looked on all self-indulgent, his eyebrows taking on a life of their own as they reacted to whatever Rodney said. He missed the bickering too, and stealing John's pudding cup in retaliation for John taking food items off of Rodney's tray. He missed the rest of the team as well; Ronon's dry humor, and Teyla's subtle teasing and compassion for anything that moved that wasn't a Wraith or an Iratus bug. He even missed Torren's babble at the table on those rare occasions when she brought Torren with her to dinner, but mostly he missed John.
Any hope of finding his way out of his current dilemma had just walked off in a pissy mood of pretended indifference before Rodney could even explain what was wrong with his relationship with Jennifer. It seemed that just the mention of her name was enough to send John running but then, for all his Kirk-like flirtations with anything wearing a dress, John was just as bad at discussing feelings as Rodney.
"Rodney!"
Rodney blinked in surprise when he noticed Teyla standing right in front of him. He placed his hand on his chest, over his heart. "Are you trying to give me a heart attack because--"
"I called your name twice but you seemed distracted."
"I... Oh. You did?" He frowned as she raised one eyebrow in a pointed fashion. "Yes, of course you did." Rodney looked back along the corridor in the direction John had taken. "I was..." He trailed off because, really, what was he doing?
"I have missed your presence at meal times these past weeks, as have Ronon and John."
"You have?" Rodney couldn't help the flicker of delight that warmed him inside. "Well, I was just on my way there now... if you'd care to join me?"
"Are you not eating with Dr. Keller again this evening?"
He tried not to squirm. "I've been spending too much... Um.... That is to say I mentioned we ought to spend some time apart."
"I see." Teyla's face had taken on a grave expression but she shook it off and smiled warmly. "Then I would be pleased to join you for dinner this evening."
Rodney rubbed his hands together nervously. "Good! That's... that's good."
"Perhaps we could ask Ronon and John to join us."
"Yes!" He pointed a finger at Teyla; curling it back as her other eyebrow rose to join the first. He indicated along the corridor. "What say we?"
Teyla's smile brightened and Rodney fell in step beside her. When they reached the mess, Rodney noticed John was already seated at one of the tables overlooking the ocean, and Ronon joined him scant seconds later. It seemed to take forever to work his way through the chow line but eventually Rodney carried his laden tray across the room, following behind Teyla, and placed the tray on the table opposite John. He sank down into the seat and looked up to see John staring at him strangely.
"No Dr. Keller this evening?" John's tone was light but deceiving, with his eyes still flashing with a little of the anger Rodney had seen earlier in the corridor.
"No. As I was trying to mention to you earlier, we've agreed to... not be together so much."
Ronon leaned in. "You dumping her?"
"What!? Um..."
Rodney slumped back in his seat, flicking his gaze towards John expecting to see derision but instead found him staring with what looked tantamount to hope in his eyes. The fleeting look was gone in an instant but Rodney knew what he had seen and reeled from the shock. It couldn't be what he was thinking because there was no way that John 'Tiberius Kirk' Sheppard was interested in him, which meant John had been interested in Jennifer all this time. Certainly it would explain the occasional pining glances and the flares of irritation whenever Rodney mentioned Jennifer.
John pointed his finger at Rodney. "Hey! Team night!"
"What?" Rodney exclaimed.
"You don't have a date tonight, and on the last run I got a copy of Dark Knight."
"You did?" Rodney crossed his arms. "There was a copy on the Daedalus?"
On the return trip from Earth Rodney had tried to be the good boyfriend and had allowed Jennifer to choose from the available titles. She never once mentioned it was in there, and considering he'd moaned long and hard about having missed picking up a copy due to the fall-out from Tunney's disastrous experiment, that was unbelievably selfish.
"I'm sorry, John, but I must watch over Torren this evening."
"Got a date with Amelia," Ronon stated, and Rodney slumped further in his seat because they couldn't have a team night without the team. As John raised both eyebrows at Ronon, Rodney half expected him to postpone to another evening but instead he looked across to Rodney.
"Looks like it's just you and me, buddy."
That strangely familiar warmth that he'd been missing for weeks, perhaps even months, came flooding back at the thought of spending time alone with John. With no reason to delay after finishing their meals, Rodney followed John along the corridors of Atlantis towards John's quarters, silently grateful at how easily they slipped back into the pattern of their pre-Jennifer friendship. The copy of Dark Knight was placed in the middle of John's empty desk as if John had picked it up and put it back down several times over since obtaining it, leaving Rodney to wonder why John hadn't bothered to watch it earlier. Still, that seemed irrelevant now that Rodney was setting up the laptop while John grabbed a couple of beers from his mini-fridge. They kicked off their shoes before settling onto the bed. It took a little maneuvering before both of them felt relatively comfortable, with the laptop seated on a table at the end of the small bed, but Rodney forgot any remaining discomfort as soon as the film started.
Several hours later they were still discussing the merits of one superhero over another having progressed from the usual Batman debate fueled by the new movie and two more beers. Rodney knew he was just a little drunk, his tolerance for any alcohol having never been that great. Perhaps it was the alcohol speaking, or the pleasure of being in the company of someone who actually liked him, arrogance and all, but suddenly Rodney was moving back, his lips tingling from where they'd pressed against John's.
In wide-eyed horror, he watched as John lifted a hand to brush fingers over his own lips, confusion creasing a line into his forehead.
"Rodney?"
"Oh God, I didn't mean... I just..." Rodney couldn't seem to draw breath.
"Hey! Hey! Breathe!" John's hands framed Rodney's face, forcing him to look him straight in the eye. "That's it. Breathe."
"I'm sorry... so... so..."
"Hey, it's okay. Rodney, it's..."
He could hear John offering reassurance but it really wasn't okay. He'd just kissed his best friend. His *straight* best friend and that was seriously not okay, right up until warm, beer tasting lips pressed back against Rodney's. Rodney froze, unable to move even when John pulled back a fraction, green-hazel eyes watching him carefully, waiting for a reaction.
"You kissed me."
"You kissed me first."
"I thought you only liked...? You kissed me back!"
"I like..." John hesitated, choking on the words, and Rodney could think of only one way to capture those words, one way to take them from John, taking the parted lips in another kiss and stealing them on John's next breath. The hands framing his face slid back, cradling the back of his head as the kiss deepened, letting Rodney spill all his own secrets into John's greedy mouth. He was pressed back into the small mattress, his body covered by John's, feeling the weight settle over him like a warm and well-loved blanket. A hardness pressed insistently into the cradle of his hip, and Rodney matched John thrust for thrust as they swallowed moans and whimpers. His head reeling from the rising pleasure, Rodney desperately gathered his senses and pushed at John until the kiss was broken and they were lying pressed hard together, both of them panting heavily.
"Not like this," Rodney whispered harshly, begging. "Please, please," he scrabbled at John's t-shirt, trying to get beneath to warm skin before sliding his hand down under the waistband of baggy pants as far as possible, desperate to feel the curve of John's ass.
"Yeah," John breathed and levered himself up, dislodging Rodney's hand but offering him access to the front instead. Fingers that had remained steady under Wraith attack, under fire, and with the clock ticking down to certain death had always remained steady now shook with need. He felt them caught in John's free hand, the tremors stilling as John leaned in and kissed him so sweetly that he ached inside. After that it was easier to open pants, to push aside restricting fabric and touch warm flesh. His fingers curled around John's hard erection, thumb sliding from base to tip, lingering over the slit to smooth slippery pre-come over the head. He grinned at the tiny stutters of breath catching in John's throat, leaning in to lick into John's mouth as his hand found a new rhythm that elicited more of those breathy gasps. The hand wrapping around his own cock sent a shock of pleasure through him, and he hummed into John's mouth, hips thrusting forward, feeling John's fist brush against his belly on the upwards stroke.
They moved carefully, jacking each other almost too slowly, prolonging the pleasure as it spiraled upwards, melting muscle and bone as he came in John's hand. His brain melted too, body going slack, coming back moments later to the feel of John straining against him, body desperate for its own release. A couple of pulls was all it took before the heat of John's release coated Rodney's hand, smearing between them as they kissed languidly.
They collapsed together, arms and legs entangled, heads resting together as the pleasure thrummed between them, the silence broken only by their slowly steadying breaths. John broke the silence.
"I've been dreaming of Atlantis since I got back from the future."
"Hmm?"
"You're always in those dreams... somewhere."
Rodney shifted slightly. "Like when you had that nightmare parasite that killed Kate Heightmeyer in you?"
John's fingers brushed through the sticky, cooling mess on Rodney's stomach, and Rodney screwed his nose up in disgust because this was the worst thing about male sex. The scent of sex was almost overpowering but in a good way but hanging in the air was one thing, drying into an itchy patch on his stomach was another, and yet he couldn't move. This moment seemed too fragile.
"Kinda... but different."
Rodney frowned as that made little sense, but then a lot about John didn't make much sense to Rodney so he let it pass. John seemed a little more anxious though and rolled onto his side, head balanced on the palm of one hand while the other hand continued to make circles on Rodney's flesh, slowly mingling their spent semen.
"I saw... time passing. Thousands of years. I saw myself as if seeing through your eyes."
"Hmm..." Rodney stilled the lazy hand when a finger accidentally pulled at the sticky hairs on his belly, losing his train of thought. He gave a jaw-cracking yawn instead. "Sticky."
John huffed out a laugh and slid from the bed, returning moments later with a warm, wash cloth, and he dropped it onto Rodney's belly. It was Rodney's turn to huff, this time in mock annoyance.
"I see romance is already dead."
"I got you the cloth, Rodney," John murmured, a smile tilting his lips and lighting his eyes. Any further thoughts and complaints faded as John leaned in and kissed him softly until they both slipped into sleep held in each other's arms.
***
Epilogue:
John held the crystal up to the light and examined it carefully, already aware from Rodney that it was flawless but now wondering if it held any secrets beyond the location that the 'old' Rodney had given to him all those years into a lost future. His strange dreams had set him thinking, especially when having mentioned an old 50s style diner, Rodney remarked that Jackson's ascensions had always taken him there. Theories raced around inside his mind, some of them outrageous and others almost terrifying in nature, and John wondered if the crystal might hold a hidden clue.
He placed the crystal into the slot and brought up the contents on his laptop, seeing only the data that Rodney had pulled from it that gave the location where that other Rodney and Ronon had found Teyla's childless and lifeless body. If he knew Rodney at all, and John was fairly convinced that he did, then there had to be more on here. All he needed was to try and think like Rodney, twenty-five years older.
Several days passed and falling into bed with Rodney each night was the only known cure to the restlessness plaguing him from growing frustration. The more he looked the more he was convinced that the older Rodney had left something just for him, some hidden files requiring a secret password for access.
The answer came as he floated down from some amazing sex, feeling a pleasurable ache in muscles he'd never used in such a way before. Moments earlier he had sighed in regret as he pulled out of Rodney's welcoming body, dropping the spent condom into the waste basket beside the bed before gathering Rodney close. He hated the loss of intimacy even though he was pressing kiss after kiss against Rodney's sweaty face and hair, holding him so tight it had to hurt.
John. The other Rodney's last word had been his name and, suddenly, John knew the answer lay within him and not with some complex mathematical formula or weird set of birth dates for famous astrophysicists.
John ignored Rodney's mild protest as he jumped out of bed. He grabbed his laptop and typed in his service number, grinning as a single audio file appeared labeled with his name. John felt the heat from Rodney's body moments before flushed skin plastered against his back, and felt the warmth of Rodney's breath against his cheek. He shivered and pressed back.
"Found something?" Rodney reached out to take over but John slapped his hand away lightly. The other Rodney had left this for him alone but John trusted and loved this Rodney to listen with him.
"Yeah," he breathed, opening the file.
It wasn't a long file considering it covered 48 thousand years that would never come to pass but John felt Rodney tense behind him as that other Rodney poured out his heart. After the voice stopped, silence descended until John reached across to shut down the laptop before drawing Rodney to his feet and pulling him into his arms.
"The other me..."
"You," John whispered. "He was always you." He could see his eyes reflected in the mirror of Rodney's awe-filled gaze, and John wondered if either of them truly understood the sacrifice made by the other, of how much faith Rodney had placed in him. Yet, as John looked into glassy, blue eyes, he knew every word was true, that Rodney would have done all of this, that Rodney would have done anything to save him and his family, then and now.
Shaking, John leaned in and poured his heart and soul into an intense kiss, holding Rodney so tight he could almost hear the creak of crushed bones. He felt wetness on his cheeks and broke the hug, startled when he realized they were his tears because he hadn't cried since he was a child.
"Oh God!" Rodney looked terrified. "He broke you!" Hands flitted over John's face and neck, trying to brush away the tears and John laughed.
Much later, after a long hot shower together, they lay side by side in the narrow bed, with Rodney moaning about the lack of space and whether John had accidentally chosen a kid's room for his quarters. John rolled to his side as Rodney offered up another disparaging remark about it suiting John's mental age. He rose up on one elbow and gazed down fondly at his lover.
"I lied." His fingers carded through the baby-soft hair, feeling the silken strands running through his fingers. "You still had hair."
"Really?!"
John leaned in and breathed in the warm scent of clean hair, nuzzling the scalp underneath. "Yeah, really."
THE END
Author: tarlanx
Written for: misalady You asked for Pretty much anything Rodney-centric, including: First time together. Slash. Friendship-into-more. Rodney/John, particularly angsting about "John can't be gay". Anything NC-17. Anything sweet and happy by the end is good.
I really do hope you like the story! Merry Christmas!
NOTE: Mentions canon Rodney/Jennifer moments. Dialog taken from The Last Man. I want to thank two wonderful friends who beta'ed this for me... their insight was invaluable! I'll name them after the Jan 1st reveal so I don't give away my identity :-D
SPOILERS: Anything up to Brainstorm, and then it goes AU. I do hope that won't stop you from enjoying the story!
***
QUESTION OF FAITH
"You know you shouldn't interfere... but I do know why you're going to anyway."
Of all the beings Rodney had thought to meet following ascension, perhaps he shouldn't have been surprised that it was Daniel Jackson. After all the man had a track record that already included two ascensions--and subsequent de-ascensions--and he had disappeared over a decade earlier on an unsuccessful mission to stop Michael's army from gaining a foothold in the Milky Way. They never did find the body and now Rodney knew why.
Rodney accepted the mug of coffee from Daniel and glanced around the strange diner with its melamine table tops, faux-leather booths and its 50s style jukebox standing in one corner. He knew this was Daniel's favorite meeting place from the notes Daniel had left behind detailing his previous ascensions, and he wondered if it was constructed from some distant happy memory or just an illusion created from watching too many episodes of Happy Days as a kid. Whatever the case, Rodney kind of liked it here; as did some of the others who had dropped in to surreptitiously keep an eye on the new boy.
Rodney gave a soft accusing huff. "You of all people should understand."
Daniel gave a sheepish grin, eyes glancing around the diner, obviously to check if anyone was paying any closer attention than necessary. "Well, I'll admit I've been in your shoes once or twice. Just try to be... subtle about it."
"Subtle?" Rodney huffed again. "That's my middle name."
Daniel leaned in closer, smiling warmly before his expression turned serious, his hand reaching out to lie on top of Rodney's. Energy passed between them, a flicker that warmed him and strengthened him for the task ahead. "If you do this then you will change everything."
"Really?" Rodney exclaimed in mock horror, and then he dropped the worried act and slumped a little, recalling the moments leading up to finding himself in this place.
After completing the programming of the holographic interface, he had slipped away to a laboratory he had sealed decades earlier, and let the ribbon of energy from the ascension machine wrap around him once more. Knowing what to expect, it had been easy to hide his new awareness and increasing intelligence. Instead of flaunting the changes, he had hidden himself away in the quarters assigned to him and focused on reaching the right level for ascension, all the while recalling John's attempts to help him meditate with nostalgic pleasure. He remembered the glow in the candlelit room, and the waves of anxiety rolling off of John that had made it so hard to focus inward. The temptation to read John's thoughts had been so strong but he'd resisted because stealing Carson's donut was one thing, stealing another's private thoughts was something else entirely, especially those of a close friend.
In truth reaching ascension had come easier this time around because he had already dealt with his boatload of regrets, putting all his faith in the math that would bring John home and save two galaxies. Admittedly, seeking ascension had been an afterthought that had come to him in the middle of the Lantean night barely a week earlier, and Rodney had seen it as more of an insurance policy rather than a desirable and fitting end to his mortal existence.
"You might never get this chance again." Daniel warned, and Rodney knew he wasn't talking about drinking coffee in the Twilight Zone for the rest of eternity, or until someone else used a reconstructed Merlin device to destroy all the ascended beings in this galaxy as Daniel had with the Ori.
Rodney cleared his throat and gave Daniel a watery smile. "For all their delusions of godhood, they really are not all-powerful, all-seeing and all-knowing. If it's meant to be then it will happen whether they want me to ascend or not."
Daniel grinned with pleasure this time, his blue eyes twinkling and head nodding in agreement because the past twenty-six years had made Rodney older but also wiser. Or maybe the changes had started to take place before then, when he stepped through the Stargate into a lost city in another galaxy, or maybe even before that when a handsome, dark-haired man had sat down in a chair and proclaimed: "Did I do that?"
"Never figured you for the fatalistic type," Daniel murmured cheekily, not giving Rodney a chance to respond before asking, "More coffee?"
Re-obtaining ascension in a brand new time line was the least of Rodney's worries. What concerned him more was the years of math that couldn't factor in the possibility that Atlantis would even still exist 48 thousand years in the future. Even as one of the ascended Rodney couldn't see into the future but what he could do was spend the next 48 thousand years making the smallest adjustments--a nudge here, a nudge there--and hope that the holographic program created during his mortal lifetime could be manipulated in small ways to bring about the desired end result, preferably without attracting the wrath of the other ascended. He hoped that by the time they figured out what he was doing it would be too late and everything would have changed. This time line would have ceased to exist in its current form, and only one being would remain in existence who might truly comprehend what he had done in the name of love.
That person wouldn't be anyone seated in this diner because the Rodney of twenty-six years ago had been oblivious to how he felt about John. That Rodney had denied every skip of his heart beat, every flip of his stomach as mere friendship for John--until Jennifer died, leaving him with nothing but memories and the truth that he didn't miss her as much as he still ached for John.
Daniel squeezed his hand and leaned across the table, warm lips touching Rodney's, breathing hope and faith into Rodney's newly ascended form. The kiss deepened and Rodney let himself fall into a swirling sea of passion, full of acceptance and love. When Daniel drew back, Rodney sighed in loss. Not so much for Daniel but for the one regret that had chased him through the past decades--his regret that he hadn't understood how much John meant to him until he realized that he could bring him home.
That simple revelation had opened Rodney's eyes, and like a blind man suddenly gifted with the miracle of sight, he could no longer bear to live in the darkness of denial. For the next twenty-five years of his life after that, all of his being was drawn to that distant goal, and he had fallen asleep every night with dreams of holding John in his arms and holding him forever.
"Good luck, Rodney."
Rodney nodded and rose from the table, aware that they would never speak of this again if only to conceal Rodney's plans from the others. As he began to fade away from Daniel's diner, he thought he saw Jack O'Neill step out from behind the bar, a spatula in hand as if he'd been turning meat at a barbecue. Perhaps he had in Daniel's world.
***
As the millennia passed, Atlantis moved many times and Rodney followed her from world to world, from galaxy to galaxy, spending years at a time patiently watching over her as mortals tried to use her to save themselves from the terrible enemy that had spread from Pegasus to slowly choke the Milky Way. Often they came close to discovering the holographic program buried in her depths but a small distraction would pull their attention away, leaving it safely hidden for another century or more.
He watched battles rage above her soaring towers, recalling the siege he had lived through as a human in that first year. He had no memory of the darts with their culling beams, being too busy hidden away in her laboratories building nuclear bombs and desperately trying to link up the Chair to the puddlejumpers so no one had to make an ultimate sacrifice.
So long, Rodney.
Had he ever truly forgiven John for that pathetic excuse of a goodbye?
Later, with John by his side, he'd watched in morbid fascination as Wraith fire rained down upon the shield like fiery droplets, confused by the elation he'd felt at the warm presence bleeding into his fear-chilled blood. Eventually he had excused his high strung emotions as battle fatigue and the relief of not losing his best friend to a bomb built with his own hands, resisting every urge to pull John into his arms and hold him so tight that he might never let him go.
He should have known then how much John meant to him. He should have recognized the truth and grabbed at John with both hands instead of lying to both of them. So many wasted years had passed between them. So many failed relationships because nothing was as strong as the friendship and love that he had unknowingly felt for John--except at the time he would never have believed John could be interested in him that way. He'd been oblivious to the covert glances, to the strangely gentle touches and the teasing that equated to little more than pig-tail pulling.
With the gift of ascension he could relive all of those wasted moments and see them with fresh eyes. Admittedly he could explain away most of the significant events as one friend looking out for another, such as the shock and dismay on John's face when he showed the engagement ring meant for Katie. John had tried to hide his pain behind his words to go get the girl. Hollow words ringing with sound but no feeling, no truth. Katie hadn't been right for him and maybe John had known that all along but hadn't wanted to interfere, hadn't wanted to test the strength of their friendship by telling him the truth.
How could he have been so blind? How could he not have seen how much it had torn John up inside? Perhaps if he'd concentrated on the little things then he might have noticed the fond glances, the gentle touches, and the anger when he put his life in danger. Instead, he'd been too caught up in first Sam then Katie, and then admiring Jennifer from afar.
Katie was part of the long dead past now along with Jennifer and Sam, though he had loved them with most of his heart at the time, just not all of it. Now he looked only to the future, to John, and a love that could stand the test of time--as long as Atlantis survived.
He no longer hid inside her walls, cowering behind crates and consoles while enemies slashed at her shields.
Now he could weave among the screaming spacecraft, watching the display of laser fire punching through the darkness of the night to blossom against the shield, and knowing the smallest deflection of a drone or targeting system would save Atlantis from total destruction. He could slip through the smoke-filled corridors unseen to stop stray gunfire from damaging vital systems while other projectiles or phaser fire scorched and dented less sensitive surfaces. It was nothing anyone would notice unless they were watching very closely.
Occasionally he felt the presence of other ascended beings, convinced one time that he'd seen Daniel and O'Neill but they'd gone before he could reach out a tendril of energy to touch them.
He was lonely, and when it all became too much to bear, he would find himself in some place far more luxurious than that 50s diner, sharing sweet exchanges of energy with the ascended Daniel and Jack. In corporeal form they would press hungry kisses to silken flesh, mouths and lips worshiping the perfection of unblemished skin, fingers and tongues skimming across sensitive nipples. Hours, days, perhaps decades would pass without meaning as they sank into each other in turn, whispering powerful promises that there would be no regrets when the time came for him to leave.
Atlantis would be waiting for him, sometimes teaming with mortal life but often empty. Strangely, he loved those times best when he could wander through all her corridors and explore every tower and laboratory as if mortal himself. He would hear her whisper to him, offering up all her secrets from the private observatory at the top of the far eastern tower to Janus's hidden laboratory at the base of another.
Eventually she would be found again.
Over the centuries, he wept when her shields failed and her peaceful people were slaughtered, unable to intervene lest he gave himself away to the other ascended - hardened by the knowledge that if his plans succeeded then their tragic deaths might never come to pass. Instead he waited out her enemies as they walked through her scorched corridors, knowing they would fall too, eventually. He spent twelve millennia watching her slowly crumble in the dust of an alien world on the edge of the Ori galaxy while he nurtured her shields to keep the worst damage at bay. He rejoiced when humans finally returned to rebuild her towers and restore her shields and hyperdrives, seeing and hearing their amazement that she was not more damaged. They would never know that he'd shielded her as best he could given the strict limits placed upon him regarding any interference in mortals' lives.
With a little prompting in the form of dreams, Atlantis took flight once more only to be abandoned on a distant world, deep within the same alien ocean that Rodney had called home all those millennia ago. In a thousand years, John would step through the Stargate into her atrium and the holographic program Rodney had created so long ago would activate at John's presence.
He left her with enough power in her shields to protect her for those thousand years even though he never intended to be gone that long, almost startled when he felt the wake up call from the holographic program, drawing him back.
***
By the time he reached Atlantis, John was in the hologram room, standing over the console while the disembodied voice of Rodney's former self was telling him to activate the hologram. He was frozen for a moment, caught by the almost forgotten beauty of this man as John waved a hand over the panel, time standing still for a moment before he realized what he had to do. He slipped into the program, letting the image project his older self.
"Hey there."
"Rodney?"
"God, it's good to see you again."
After all these millennia, seeing John's face and hearing his voice was both pleasure and torture even if he was hiding his fear with anger and frustration. Every fiber of Rodney's being craved to take solid human form and reach out to John, to touch him, but Rodney resisted. As long as he remained within the boundaries of the original holographic program then none of the others would interfere, but what the others had forgotten over the millennia they had spent as ascended beings was the power of faith. Perhaps he could not touch John with his hands but maybe he could reach him with his words instead, and by his complete trust in John to set the past right and hence the future straight.
He was watching closely when the realization struck John that his Rodney was dead, turned to dust thousands of years ago along with everyone else that John had known. It was the little things again, not the horror in John's eyes mingled with an unwillingness to believe purely because Rodney was standing right in front of him. No, it was the way John refused to look away, taking in every part of Rodney's seamed face, every line of his body as if storing up the memory for a lifetime of loss.
They walked together along corridors that Rodney had not seen in a thousand years with all of Rodney's focus intent on the man walking by his side, drinking in the sight of him. There had been times over the passing centuries when his faith had faltered and he had wondered if he was doing the right thing but any remaining doubts fled him now. He let the program speak for him, the words bringing back vivid memories of those days after John disappeared and of finding Teyla too late to save a galaxy.
Turning the corner, he almost forgot that he was supposed to be just a hologram as he looked on in shock.
Sand filled the corridor ahead of them, which should have been impossible because he had sunk the city himself. He had sent her to the bottom of the ocean where she would be hidden with a lock on her Stargate that would only accept a single incoming wormhole: the wormhole through a solar flare that would bring John back to Atlantis. He let John guide them to the only other way to the stasis chamber.
Leaving John on the pretext of inputting new solar flare requirements into the long-range sensors, Rodney passed through the city, flying above the towers to gaze across what should have been a wide ocean only to see sand stretching from one horizon to the other. He looked up and stared at the enlarged, red disc of the sun.
For over 48 thousand years he had watched the birth and death of stars while he waited for John's return so he knew there was no natural reason for the sun in this system to be dying above Atlantis long before its due time. Rodney recognized the hand of other ascended in this, only now realizing that some of those whose presence he had felt through the years must have come to sabotage his plans. Perhaps luckily for him, they had been bound by the same rules of non-interference except by subtle means. Yet killing a star could hardly be called subtle.
When he returned what seemed to be only moments later, seven hours had passed for John and the look in John's eyes held more than simple relief at seeing him again. How had Rodney never noticed the way John looked at him before this day? For all his former taunts that John never really saw it coming, perhaps he had been just as oblivious. John seemed to calm down quickly.
"I found out what happened to the ocean."
It had taken him a while to program a few new variables into the original program but he could play dirty too, to counterbalance the work of the others. He watched as John set out into the sandstorm, waiting until John was lost within the wind and sand before leaving the hologram. It would carry on with its programming, projecting itself across to the other side where it would wait for John. In the meantime, although Rodney couldn't simply transport John across to safety or stop the raging storm, he could deflect some of the sand particles to give John a better chance of surviving. Several times he saw John fall to his knees as the wind lashed the sand against John's body, silently willing John to find his feet. For the first time he truly understood what Daniel had gone through during that time when Ba'al had taken Jack prisoner, torturing and killing him, only to bring him back to life within the sarcophagus so he could do it over and over, and Daniel had not been allowed to interfere. All Daniel could do was stand by impotently and hope his words alone might give Jack the strength to go on until rescue came. The same applied now, with Rodney's voice trying to be John's anchor to life while Rodney made minuscule changes to the wind to nudge John in the right direction, recalling with a wry smile how terrible John's sense of direction had been in the past.
When John reached the other side, Rodney almost faded away in relief until John fell to the floor and didn't move for the rest of the night, his breathing weak and shallow. Only the knowledge that John's heart was still beating kept the panic at bay. Eventually John came around, and Rodney led him to the stasis chamber that he had prepared so long ago.
"You know, you never told me what happened to you, in the past."
It was the question Rodney had been dreading because he would have to tell him only a half truth, how he had ended up with Jennifer until the Hoffan virus took her life and how he had spent the rest of his mortal lifetime searching for a way to bring John home. Mostly he dreaded it because it would sound as if he had done it to save Jennifer, and that was a long way from the whole truth. He had done this for all of them, for Teyla and her baby, for Ronon and Sam, for Jennifer and all the millions of humans who were murdered or changed by Michael but, mostly, he had done this for John.
The end came quickly after that.
For almost eight hundred years he watched over John as he slept, sometimes staying for years purely to stare into his beautiful face, memorizing every line, every curve from the shape of his lips to every fleck of green and gold in his eyes. Old bedtime stories haunted him with thoughts of Sleeping Beauty hidden away in a lost kingdom, awaiting the day when his beloved would return to awaken him with a kiss so they could ride off together into a golden sunrise. Instead, he awoke John with a thought and led him through the hellfire of a red dwarf, protected only by the shields that Rodney had raised to encompass the whole route back to the Stargate so John would not have to face the terrifying, mirrored surface from where even the sand had melted beneath the heat of the expanding and dying sun.
John turned to him as the chevrons began to encode.
"Rodney?"
He raised a hand, reaching for the hologram, his fingers brushing through the outer edges as if he believed that all he had to do was touch and Rodney would be real. The temptation was so strong, to solidify for just a moment if only just so his lips could brush across John's.
"There isn't much time," he murmured instead, aware that if this worked then he was facing the end of his existence after 48 thousand years of being the caretaker of Atlantis. "I've sent your IDC... the shield's down." He put all the love and faith he'd held for John through 48 thousand years into one final look of longing. "John," he breathed hoarsely.
"Rodney," John whispered back, eyes widening. Then he turned and ran...and Rodney ceased to be.
***
The first person John saw when he ran through the gate was also the last person he'd seen before leaving Atlantis moments earlier, except younger.
"It worked! It worked. Rodney! You're a genius!"
This Rodney McKay hadn't been alone for 26 years working to bring him back, but maybe those missing twelve days had seemed enough like an eternity to him. Certainly he looked tired and drawn, as if the weight of two whole galaxies had weighed down on his shoulders. In truth, John knew that look well; perhaps too well. It was the look Rodney had given on seeing Carson resurrected from the dead. It was confusion, disbelief and hope intermingled, and anger too, simmering at the edges as if John was to blame for the pain Rodney had suffered during those twelve days. John could think of only one way to defuse all the emotions bubbling just beneath the surface.
"I know where Teyla is."
The crystal given to him by the older Rodney was burning a hole in the palm of his hand so he gave it to this Rodney. As their fingers brushed, the shock of flesh meeting flesh almost overwhelmed him. He hadn't realized until this moment how much he had needed to be touched by Rodney, how unsatisfactory it had been to stare at the image of a man he had desired for so long and not be able to press a hand to Rodney's shoulder, or slap him lightly on the back. Even the lines of age had not blunted that desire. If anything, the sight of Rodney as he would look decades into their future had driven an ice shard into John's heart because he wanted to be with him for every one of those years. He wanted them to grow old together even if that meant watching Rodney marry someone like Keller, and only be his friend instead of his lover.
John glanced up into wide and startlingly blue eyes, drinking Rodney in like a man dying of thirst in the desert. A lifetime of self-restraint kicked in and he pulled back before he lost all control and pulled Rodney into his arms, aware that there was too much at stake to risk breaking down now. The other Rodney had entrusted him with all his hopes for a better future, and John couldn't fail him, not after Rodney had spent a lifetime pursuing this one dream.
He pulled back and made a silent promise that he hoped he could keep. They would find Teyla, they would destroy Michael and they would end the scourge of the Wraith in this galaxy. Earth would never have to fear Michael's armies and the Pegasus galaxy would be free to reclaim its former glory. Teyla would not be killed moments after giving birth to her child, and neither Ronon nor Sam would sacrifice themselves in the terrible war that had come in that alternate time line.
And this Rodney wouldn't spend the whole of his life alone, trying to fix everything that had gone wrong.
He knew it was foolish to make such sweeping declarations even if only to himself but that older Rodney had believed in him, believed that he could make a difference. He had to at least try.
***
Finding Teyla had almost cost Ronon and Rodney their lives, along with his own, but as he flew the stolen dart back towards the Daedalus with his friends safely beamed into storage and Teyla's newborn in his lap, John felt only elation. If he had died in the collapsed building then he would have failed just as if he had never stepped back into Atlantis from the future, and Rodney would have lost most everyone he cared about once more. Now, as John watched Michael's hive ship explode into a million pieces, he knew that this was the defining moment that changed everything; Teyla and her child were safe, Michael was gone and Rodney would not spend the rest of his life trying to turn back time.
As the dart swept over the ground close to the Stargate, John reintegrated his passengers and set the dart down close by, grateful when Ronon took the child from his arms to hand to Rodney before helping him out of the narrow cockpit. He felt a rush of warmth flood through him as he watched Rodney cooing at the baby in his arms before passing the child across to Teyla. Rodney dialed the gate quickly, smiling back at John when they gained permission to return, and John couldn't help but grin in return even though his injury was killing him. They walked back through the gate together, with Teyla and her son held in Kanaan's arms.
Days turned to weeks and there never seemed to be enough time to sit back and reflect on what he had seen in the older Rodney's eyes in the future until he began to doubt he'd seen anything at all. Except visions from that lost future kept coming back to him, haunting his dreams. Sometimes the dreams made no sense as he saw himself gliding between the tall spires, watching plasma strikes flare against the city shield, or he'd find himself walking her long forgotten corridors, or watching strangers make their home within the city only to leave her empty once more. Once, he even dreamed of an old-fashioned diner with General O'Neill flipping burgers.
And then he would see himself, dressed just as he was when he stepped 48 thousand years into the future, with the older Rodney standing before him, the sensation like an out-of-body experience except he couldn't figure out whose body.
John thought of the hologram. For the most part he had known he was talking to a highly sophisticated program, sensing the moments when it turned inward to consult its programming and then, as if a switch had been thrown, the Rodney standing before him would take on a vibrancy that seeped into the very walls of the city. The thrum in his head would alter as if Atlantis recognized Rodney's living presence beside him, just as she always had in the past.
In those moments there had been something new in Rodney's eyes, something more alive than John had seen in any other holographic image on Atlantis. It was if Rodney was truly standing there but that wasn't possible, not 48 thousand years into the future and far beyond the capabilities of the Ancients' stasis chambers.
As he watched Rodney's almost pitiful attempts to gain Keller's attention, John began to wonder if he'd simply seen what he wanted to see. He smiled wryly to himself and took a seat at a different table.
"Colonel Sheppard?"
John grimaced and tapped his radio. "Sheppard."
"Sir, Mr. Woolsey asked me to contact you. Dr. Nichol's is overdue for his scheduled check-in."
"How long overdue?"
"One hour."
"Well, it is a bit of a hike to the gate."
"Dr. Nichols' has never missed a check-in before, Sir."
"Never?"
"Never, Sir."
"Okay. I'll round up the team."
John sighed and placed his tray back on the pile before reaching across to grab a sandwich. He made a swift detour to where Rodney was sitting with Keller.
"Gear up, McKay. One of your scientists is missing."
"What! Oh come on! Who?"
"Nichols."
Rodney rolled his eyes. "Probably building snowmen on that glacier he was so determined to study."
John smirked and walked away, unable to hide the glee-filled smile as Rodney was forced to leave Keller and follow.
***
When Ronon had first spoken of The Shrine of Talus, John's initial impulse to refuse had been the same as Keller's, though he suspected for far different reasons. Keller hadn't believed in Ronon. Until they arrived at this place and had seen the instantaneous and dramatic change in Rodney, she had thought Ronon's childhood memory of his grandfather was most likely faulty. She truly believed that by bringing Rodney here they were taking away any remaining chance of her curing him before the parasite killed him. Perhaps she'd not been in Atlantis long enough to realize that anything was possible in the Pegasus Galaxy.
John's reason for not wanting to bring Rodney here was based on pure selfishness; he hadn't wanted to say goodbye.
He had refused to say goodbye out on the pier that night and he knew he would refuse to say goodbye before Keller started her brain surgery. In truth, he never wanted to say a true goodbye to this man because the very thought of not having Rodney somewhere in his life was too shocking and too alien to imagine. If that made him a terrible friend then so be it but he had lost too many people he cared about already, and whether he wanted to acknowledge it openly or not, the feelings he had for Rodney went beyond simple caring.
He could admit it to himself though; he loved Rodney.
John watched as Rodney bumbled his way through a quiet conversation with Keller with a shyness that reminded John so much of the vulnerable, brain damaged Rodney of only a few hours earlier. It was almost too painful to watch on several levels especially as Keller smiled back at Rodney so sweetly. Yet John couldn't help recalling the way she had treated Rodney like a child since discovering the alien parasite in his brain.
He couldn't fault her on her gentleness, for Rodney had grown more childlike with each passing day, nor on her dedication in the laboratory to finding a cure. What he had disliked was the way she had stood back and put down all her doctoring tools when Jeannie insisted on her right as next of kin to bring Rodney to this shrine.
With the clock ticking down for Rodney, John hadn't stopped to wonder why Keller had come with them so ill-prepared, carrying just a small field kit but, as Rodney and Jeannie recalibrated the life signs detector, this last hour had given him time to sit and think. He thought back to the Jumper and all he could recall was her reasons not to try to save Rodney; the Jumper's maintenance power tools were not good enough and that she'd be operating in unsanitary conditions with a high risk of infection. He'd had to remind her that Rodney was going to die anyway if she did nothing, and that some chance was better than no chance.
He shouldn't have needed to remind her, and he shouldn't have been almost pathetically grateful when she quickly came round to his way of thinking.
"Jeannie?"
Rodney's voice distracted him from his thoughts of Keller and John felt his stomach twist painfully as he watched Rodney hug his sister tight. John could see the sparkle of tears in her eyes, all of them aware that these might be Rodney's last moments, his last touches and words, and he dreaded the end of that hug because then it would be his turn. He looked away, schooling his face to hide the turmoil within.
"John?"
"I'm not saying goodbye, Rodney," he forced out softly through gritted teeth, refusing to look Rodney in the face because it had been hard enough leaving a holographic image of Rodney behind in a deserted Atlantis, let alone saying goodbye to the real person. Instead, his thoughts were filled with a thousand regrets for all the things he should have said long before this day, things he could not reveal in front of Keller. The biggest of those regrets was that he had never found the right time to take Rodney aside and tell him about his other self, mostly because John had been torn between what he believed he had seen in that Rodney's eyes moments before rushing through the Stargate and the interest Rodney was showing in Keller in the here and now.
The problem was that he knew Rodney had cared for Keller in that other time line, perhaps even loved her in his own unique Rodney-way. He also knew Rodney had been happy with her for the short time they had been together before she became a victim of the Hoffan plague, and John couldn't deny that he wanted Rodney to be happy. Yet, the older Rodney had understood that changing the time line meant that he might never regain that happiness with her. He'd known this and yet he'd still gone ahead and spent the next twenty-five years of his life searching for the way to bring John home.
Rodney waited until John was forced to look him in the eye, expecting to see frustration and anger but instead seeing understanding and the slightest smile curving up the downturn corner of his mouth.
"See you later?" Rodney asked tentatively and John sagged in relief.
"Yeah, on the pier. Your turn to bring the beer."
With a twitch of those perfect lips, the smile reached Rodney's eyes and it took all of John's willpower not to draw him into a hug. He nodded instead, dropping to his knees at the end of the makeshift surgery table and offering up reassurance in a smile. Rodney drew in a deep, ragged breath and let it out slowly before lying down, long pale eyelashes batting nervously as Keller prepared the anesthesia.
"Well," Rodney stated nervously. "Here goes!"
Although Keller took Rodney through the countdown into unconsciousness, Rodney's eyes never wavered from John's until they had grown too heavy and finally closed. John tightened his grip on Rodney's head and looked down into his unconscious face, seeing again all the vulnerability and all the trust Rodney had placed in him even as his mind deteriorated.
As Keller began to drill into Rodney's skull with the maintenance power drill, John disliked her just a little bit more even though he knew he was being unreasonable.
***
He'd barely been back in Atlantis a week since attending Tunney's disasterous Physics conference and had spent most of that trying to catch up on five weeks worth of administration and laboratory checks. Zelenka was good as his deputy and having spent time among his so-called peers just recently, Rodney wouldn't want to entrust Atlantis to any other hands, but Zelenka was too soft a touch.
The botanists had used Rodney's absence to enlarge the hydroponics labs without taking into account the increased power consumptions, and the metallurgists had destroyed part of one of the smaller towers in their continuing quest to discover the composition of all the materials used to build Atlantis. Each had sworn they'd gained approval and the botanists had pointed to the small print footnotes on the relevant page in a two thousand page document on biosynthesis. There was a reason why Rodney had learned to speed read.
With Jennifer taking up his few off-duty hours, Rodney hadn't found much time to spend with his team. Not that he had been avoiding them but Jennifer had made it crystal clear that he had to do the boyfriend thing if he expected to sleep with her, which meant eating together every morning and evening. Lunch was a hurried sandwich in between rants about the incompetence of his staff.
Bumping into John in the corridor outside the control room should have been a pleasure but John barely acknoweledged him.
Rodney stared hard, tight lipped as John turned away with an almost indifferent air, except Rodney knew better. He'd known John long enough to decipher many of his expressions from playful to stone-faced seriousness to bland indifference. He knew when a look was real and when it was insincere by the glint in his eye and the curve of his lip. Every single expression held a key to the enigma that was John Sheppard and he knew that indifference hid a world of hurt but Rodney couldn't think of anything he could have done to upset John.
Rodney sighed as John turned the far corner of the corridor. It seemed the botanists and metallurgists were the least of his worries right now because his personal life had become a real mess, and the one person he'd hoped to turn to for advice over Jennifer had just walked away in a barely concealed snit.
Jennifer.
He sighed, wondering how he managed to get into such a mess in the first place because it was obvious to him now that they could never be anything more than good friends. He was almost ashamed to admit that his feelings for her had changed the moment he had finally won her affection. Joining the mile high club had been an added enticement but the sex had been mediocre at best. There had been something missing from their relationship right from the start and Rodney had no idea what it was until halfway through the journey back to Atlantis on the Daedalus when he realized they had nothing to talk about.
Rodney knew very little about medicine, except what he needed to stay alive from day-to-day, and she knew nothing about physics or engineering or astrophysics or mechanics or mathematics beyond what she needed to do her job. Even their private lives moved in different circles and he couldn't believe that she had never seen a single episode of classic Trek let alone Doctor Who. In fact she wasn't keen on science fiction, boring him to tears every evening during those weeks on board the Daedalus by forcing him to watch a string of chick movies culminating in Lost in Translation. Now that was an ordeal worse than being stuffed inside a Wraith cocoon and waiting to be fed upon. In fact, given the choice Rodney would have rather jumped into a culling beam than endure another romantic comedy or period drama even if he was being paid in sex afterwards.
The more time he spent on examining his feelings, the more he realized they had nothing whatsoever in common beyond being stationed together in another galaxy. How had he managed to miss that about her? How was he supposed to break it to her that maybe they were only ever meant to be friends? And how was he going to explain it to Ronon without the big guy using him for target practice the next time John insisted Rodney goes to the training room?
Out of uncustomary feelings of guilt he had dined with her every evening this week since their return to Atlantis but the conversation had been strained at best. She kept on at him to tell her what he was thinking and he was terrified that he would eventually blurt it all out and hurt her feelings. He really didn't want to do that because he did love her--just not in the way he thought. Perhaps if he'd not had Atlantis and his team then he might have been content to be with her but that wasn't the case.
Rodney bowed his head, slumping inwardly, finally willing to admit how much he had missed John's company.
He missed the Doctor Who marathons and racing cars in the abandoned East Pier corridors; he missed computer golf and inane conversations over which was the best superpower and the greatest superhero of all time. He missed John's goofy expressions when they tried out the piles of Ancient technology sitting in Rodney's don't touch under penalty of death box that Rodney kept under his work bench, especially the way John would look constipated when a malfunction was blocking his attempt to turn it on but he could still feel it tickling at the back of his mind.
Damn it but Rodney missed discussing his day with John at dinner, sniping at the idiots working for him while John looked on all self-indulgent, his eyebrows taking on a life of their own as they reacted to whatever Rodney said. He missed the bickering too, and stealing John's pudding cup in retaliation for John taking food items off of Rodney's tray. He missed the rest of the team as well; Ronon's dry humor, and Teyla's subtle teasing and compassion for anything that moved that wasn't a Wraith or an Iratus bug. He even missed Torren's babble at the table on those rare occasions when she brought Torren with her to dinner, but mostly he missed John.
Any hope of finding his way out of his current dilemma had just walked off in a pissy mood of pretended indifference before Rodney could even explain what was wrong with his relationship with Jennifer. It seemed that just the mention of her name was enough to send John running but then, for all his Kirk-like flirtations with anything wearing a dress, John was just as bad at discussing feelings as Rodney.
"Rodney!"
Rodney blinked in surprise when he noticed Teyla standing right in front of him. He placed his hand on his chest, over his heart. "Are you trying to give me a heart attack because--"
"I called your name twice but you seemed distracted."
"I... Oh. You did?" He frowned as she raised one eyebrow in a pointed fashion. "Yes, of course you did." Rodney looked back along the corridor in the direction John had taken. "I was..." He trailed off because, really, what was he doing?
"I have missed your presence at meal times these past weeks, as have Ronon and John."
"You have?" Rodney couldn't help the flicker of delight that warmed him inside. "Well, I was just on my way there now... if you'd care to join me?"
"Are you not eating with Dr. Keller again this evening?"
He tried not to squirm. "I've been spending too much... Um.... That is to say I mentioned we ought to spend some time apart."
"I see." Teyla's face had taken on a grave expression but she shook it off and smiled warmly. "Then I would be pleased to join you for dinner this evening."
Rodney rubbed his hands together nervously. "Good! That's... that's good."
"Perhaps we could ask Ronon and John to join us."
"Yes!" He pointed a finger at Teyla; curling it back as her other eyebrow rose to join the first. He indicated along the corridor. "What say we?"
Teyla's smile brightened and Rodney fell in step beside her. When they reached the mess, Rodney noticed John was already seated at one of the tables overlooking the ocean, and Ronon joined him scant seconds later. It seemed to take forever to work his way through the chow line but eventually Rodney carried his laden tray across the room, following behind Teyla, and placed the tray on the table opposite John. He sank down into the seat and looked up to see John staring at him strangely.
"No Dr. Keller this evening?" John's tone was light but deceiving, with his eyes still flashing with a little of the anger Rodney had seen earlier in the corridor.
"No. As I was trying to mention to you earlier, we've agreed to... not be together so much."
Ronon leaned in. "You dumping her?"
"What!? Um..."
Rodney slumped back in his seat, flicking his gaze towards John expecting to see derision but instead found him staring with what looked tantamount to hope in his eyes. The fleeting look was gone in an instant but Rodney knew what he had seen and reeled from the shock. It couldn't be what he was thinking because there was no way that John 'Tiberius Kirk' Sheppard was interested in him, which meant John had been interested in Jennifer all this time. Certainly it would explain the occasional pining glances and the flares of irritation whenever Rodney mentioned Jennifer.
John pointed his finger at Rodney. "Hey! Team night!"
"What?" Rodney exclaimed.
"You don't have a date tonight, and on the last run I got a copy of Dark Knight."
"You did?" Rodney crossed his arms. "There was a copy on the Daedalus?"
On the return trip from Earth Rodney had tried to be the good boyfriend and had allowed Jennifer to choose from the available titles. She never once mentioned it was in there, and considering he'd moaned long and hard about having missed picking up a copy due to the fall-out from Tunney's disastrous experiment, that was unbelievably selfish.
"I'm sorry, John, but I must watch over Torren this evening."
"Got a date with Amelia," Ronon stated, and Rodney slumped further in his seat because they couldn't have a team night without the team. As John raised both eyebrows at Ronon, Rodney half expected him to postpone to another evening but instead he looked across to Rodney.
"Looks like it's just you and me, buddy."
That strangely familiar warmth that he'd been missing for weeks, perhaps even months, came flooding back at the thought of spending time alone with John. With no reason to delay after finishing their meals, Rodney followed John along the corridors of Atlantis towards John's quarters, silently grateful at how easily they slipped back into the pattern of their pre-Jennifer friendship. The copy of Dark Knight was placed in the middle of John's empty desk as if John had picked it up and put it back down several times over since obtaining it, leaving Rodney to wonder why John hadn't bothered to watch it earlier. Still, that seemed irrelevant now that Rodney was setting up the laptop while John grabbed a couple of beers from his mini-fridge. They kicked off their shoes before settling onto the bed. It took a little maneuvering before both of them felt relatively comfortable, with the laptop seated on a table at the end of the small bed, but Rodney forgot any remaining discomfort as soon as the film started.
Several hours later they were still discussing the merits of one superhero over another having progressed from the usual Batman debate fueled by the new movie and two more beers. Rodney knew he was just a little drunk, his tolerance for any alcohol having never been that great. Perhaps it was the alcohol speaking, or the pleasure of being in the company of someone who actually liked him, arrogance and all, but suddenly Rodney was moving back, his lips tingling from where they'd pressed against John's.
In wide-eyed horror, he watched as John lifted a hand to brush fingers over his own lips, confusion creasing a line into his forehead.
"Rodney?"
"Oh God, I didn't mean... I just..." Rodney couldn't seem to draw breath.
"Hey! Hey! Breathe!" John's hands framed Rodney's face, forcing him to look him straight in the eye. "That's it. Breathe."
"I'm sorry... so... so..."
"Hey, it's okay. Rodney, it's..."
He could hear John offering reassurance but it really wasn't okay. He'd just kissed his best friend. His *straight* best friend and that was seriously not okay, right up until warm, beer tasting lips pressed back against Rodney's. Rodney froze, unable to move even when John pulled back a fraction, green-hazel eyes watching him carefully, waiting for a reaction.
"You kissed me."
"You kissed me first."
"I thought you only liked...? You kissed me back!"
"I like..." John hesitated, choking on the words, and Rodney could think of only one way to capture those words, one way to take them from John, taking the parted lips in another kiss and stealing them on John's next breath. The hands framing his face slid back, cradling the back of his head as the kiss deepened, letting Rodney spill all his own secrets into John's greedy mouth. He was pressed back into the small mattress, his body covered by John's, feeling the weight settle over him like a warm and well-loved blanket. A hardness pressed insistently into the cradle of his hip, and Rodney matched John thrust for thrust as they swallowed moans and whimpers. His head reeling from the rising pleasure, Rodney desperately gathered his senses and pushed at John until the kiss was broken and they were lying pressed hard together, both of them panting heavily.
"Not like this," Rodney whispered harshly, begging. "Please, please," he scrabbled at John's t-shirt, trying to get beneath to warm skin before sliding his hand down under the waistband of baggy pants as far as possible, desperate to feel the curve of John's ass.
"Yeah," John breathed and levered himself up, dislodging Rodney's hand but offering him access to the front instead. Fingers that had remained steady under Wraith attack, under fire, and with the clock ticking down to certain death had always remained steady now shook with need. He felt them caught in John's free hand, the tremors stilling as John leaned in and kissed him so sweetly that he ached inside. After that it was easier to open pants, to push aside restricting fabric and touch warm flesh. His fingers curled around John's hard erection, thumb sliding from base to tip, lingering over the slit to smooth slippery pre-come over the head. He grinned at the tiny stutters of breath catching in John's throat, leaning in to lick into John's mouth as his hand found a new rhythm that elicited more of those breathy gasps. The hand wrapping around his own cock sent a shock of pleasure through him, and he hummed into John's mouth, hips thrusting forward, feeling John's fist brush against his belly on the upwards stroke.
They moved carefully, jacking each other almost too slowly, prolonging the pleasure as it spiraled upwards, melting muscle and bone as he came in John's hand. His brain melted too, body going slack, coming back moments later to the feel of John straining against him, body desperate for its own release. A couple of pulls was all it took before the heat of John's release coated Rodney's hand, smearing between them as they kissed languidly.
They collapsed together, arms and legs entangled, heads resting together as the pleasure thrummed between them, the silence broken only by their slowly steadying breaths. John broke the silence.
"I've been dreaming of Atlantis since I got back from the future."
"Hmm?"
"You're always in those dreams... somewhere."
Rodney shifted slightly. "Like when you had that nightmare parasite that killed Kate Heightmeyer in you?"
John's fingers brushed through the sticky, cooling mess on Rodney's stomach, and Rodney screwed his nose up in disgust because this was the worst thing about male sex. The scent of sex was almost overpowering but in a good way but hanging in the air was one thing, drying into an itchy patch on his stomach was another, and yet he couldn't move. This moment seemed too fragile.
"Kinda... but different."
Rodney frowned as that made little sense, but then a lot about John didn't make much sense to Rodney so he let it pass. John seemed a little more anxious though and rolled onto his side, head balanced on the palm of one hand while the other hand continued to make circles on Rodney's flesh, slowly mingling their spent semen.
"I saw... time passing. Thousands of years. I saw myself as if seeing through your eyes."
"Hmm..." Rodney stilled the lazy hand when a finger accidentally pulled at the sticky hairs on his belly, losing his train of thought. He gave a jaw-cracking yawn instead. "Sticky."
John huffed out a laugh and slid from the bed, returning moments later with a warm, wash cloth, and he dropped it onto Rodney's belly. It was Rodney's turn to huff, this time in mock annoyance.
"I see romance is already dead."
"I got you the cloth, Rodney," John murmured, a smile tilting his lips and lighting his eyes. Any further thoughts and complaints faded as John leaned in and kissed him softly until they both slipped into sleep held in each other's arms.
***
Epilogue:
John held the crystal up to the light and examined it carefully, already aware from Rodney that it was flawless but now wondering if it held any secrets beyond the location that the 'old' Rodney had given to him all those years into a lost future. His strange dreams had set him thinking, especially when having mentioned an old 50s style diner, Rodney remarked that Jackson's ascensions had always taken him there. Theories raced around inside his mind, some of them outrageous and others almost terrifying in nature, and John wondered if the crystal might hold a hidden clue.
He placed the crystal into the slot and brought up the contents on his laptop, seeing only the data that Rodney had pulled from it that gave the location where that other Rodney and Ronon had found Teyla's childless and lifeless body. If he knew Rodney at all, and John was fairly convinced that he did, then there had to be more on here. All he needed was to try and think like Rodney, twenty-five years older.
Several days passed and falling into bed with Rodney each night was the only known cure to the restlessness plaguing him from growing frustration. The more he looked the more he was convinced that the older Rodney had left something just for him, some hidden files requiring a secret password for access.
The answer came as he floated down from some amazing sex, feeling a pleasurable ache in muscles he'd never used in such a way before. Moments earlier he had sighed in regret as he pulled out of Rodney's welcoming body, dropping the spent condom into the waste basket beside the bed before gathering Rodney close. He hated the loss of intimacy even though he was pressing kiss after kiss against Rodney's sweaty face and hair, holding him so tight it had to hurt.
John. The other Rodney's last word had been his name and, suddenly, John knew the answer lay within him and not with some complex mathematical formula or weird set of birth dates for famous astrophysicists.
John ignored Rodney's mild protest as he jumped out of bed. He grabbed his laptop and typed in his service number, grinning as a single audio file appeared labeled with his name. John felt the heat from Rodney's body moments before flushed skin plastered against his back, and felt the warmth of Rodney's breath against his cheek. He shivered and pressed back.
"Found something?" Rodney reached out to take over but John slapped his hand away lightly. The other Rodney had left this for him alone but John trusted and loved this Rodney to listen with him.
"Yeah," he breathed, opening the file.
It wasn't a long file considering it covered 48 thousand years that would never come to pass but John felt Rodney tense behind him as that other Rodney poured out his heart. After the voice stopped, silence descended until John reached across to shut down the laptop before drawing Rodney to his feet and pulling him into his arms.
"The other me..."
"You," John whispered. "He was always you." He could see his eyes reflected in the mirror of Rodney's awe-filled gaze, and John wondered if either of them truly understood the sacrifice made by the other, of how much faith Rodney had placed in him. Yet, as John looked into glassy, blue eyes, he knew every word was true, that Rodney would have done all of this, that Rodney would have done anything to save him and his family, then and now.
Shaking, John leaned in and poured his heart and soul into an intense kiss, holding Rodney so tight he could almost hear the creak of crushed bones. He felt wetness on his cheeks and broke the hug, startled when he realized they were his tears because he hadn't cried since he was a child.
"Oh God!" Rodney looked terrified. "He broke you!" Hands flitted over John's face and neck, trying to brush away the tears and John laughed.
Much later, after a long hot shower together, they lay side by side in the narrow bed, with Rodney moaning about the lack of space and whether John had accidentally chosen a kid's room for his quarters. John rolled to his side as Rodney offered up another disparaging remark about it suiting John's mental age. He rose up on one elbow and gazed down fondly at his lover.
"I lied." His fingers carded through the baby-soft hair, feeling the silken strands running through his fingers. "You still had hair."
"Really?!"
John leaned in and breathed in the warm scent of clean hair, nuzzling the scalp underneath. "Yeah, really."
THE END