Fic: The Bumblebee Myth Part 2 of 2 (McKay/Sheppard, PG-13)
Title: The Bumblebee Myth
Author: Santa
Character(s)/Pairing(s): John/Rodney & Team friendship. Supporting Ronon/Jennifer, Teyla/Kanaan, Rodney&Radek friendship, brief Rodney/Jennifer.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 11,284
Warnings: Crack. Descriptions of insects and other arthropods. A few minor characters die (but no one who was ever alive during the show).
Spoilers: General (mainly for casting) through season four.
A/N: Huge thanks to betas vaginasaurus and makesomelove, as well as others who gave me suggestions or feedback. Any remaining shortcomings are mine, particularly errors concerning arthropod anatomy or reproduction.
Disclaimer: As always, I make no money from this.
Summary: Gender identity crises, sneaking into physics seminars, daring rescue schemes, and the complicated relationship between sex and eating. Oh, plus they're all insects (and one arachnid).
Recipient: For yesj, who asked for "crack where they're flowers or puppies or paving stones or something" and happy endings. I hope this is cracky enough, and that you enjoy it.
===
Part 1
===
Teyla never brought up John's parentage again, seeming to sense that it was a tender subject. They did, however, have more conversations about sex. Teyla explained the concepts of male and female to John, and told him that despite being classified as a gynandromorph herself, she had decided to think of herself as female. John decided to choose a male identity for himself, though he was still uncomfortable with the idea of sex categories in general, and a little dubious that they truly existed.
"How else would your species reproduce?" Teyla asked one dark evening.
"I don't know," John said. "They just would. I always got the idea that we just reproduced by ourselves."
Teyla didn't answer right away, which John had learned meant she was considering what he said. "I suppose this is possible," she finally conceded. "Although I am uncertain that would be a successful long-term genetic adaptation for the survival of your species."
John had learned a hell of a lot about genetics from Teyla over the past couple of weeks. She'd been caged in here a great while longer than him, she explained, and had dedicated her time to observing the scientists who worked in here, gazing out at their papers and computers and trying to glean information from their work. In the time before he'd started talking to Teyla, John had never really been interested in anything that went on outside his cage, once he figured out none of it was going to help him escape. But Teyla seemed very into this stuff, so John tried to learn more about it in order to please her.
"I dunno," said John, shifting his weight from foot to foot. "Maybe there are other mechanisms for genetic diversity. Or maybe the lack of need for reproduction between two partners outweighs that cost."
"Perhaps," conceded Teyla agreeably.
And then, madness erupted in the endlessly calm laboratory.
===
===
"Did anyone see us? Have we been followed? Oh shit, oh shit, we're both going to die, they're going to find us and step on you and throw a book on me. I'm going to be killed by the very knowledge I seek to acquire!"
"Rodney, calm down," said Ronon. "Stop shouting and get down here. We need to hide."
"What good is hiding going to do?" shrieked Rodney. "They're still going to find us. They'll kill me! They'll kill us both! All my knowledge, gone! And worst of all, I'll never be able to correct that idiot at MIT. Oh, what am I going to..." Then Rodney paused, looked around, and noticed their surroundings. "Hey Ronon, where the hell ...are we?"
Ronon had run been crouching on the ground with his eyes on Rodney, and his forelimbs up in a threatening position, but at the question, he lowered his legs and turned in the direction Rodney was gazing.
The room was dark, but Rodney could make out rows of shelves, filled with small plastic boxes. Inside the boxes, he could barely make out ...insects. Dozens and dozens of insects, of various types: some he knew, some he didn't, some that looked like nothing he'd ever imagined before. They were all sitting quite still, some staring back at Rodney and Ronon, but most of them seemed to be looking at ...nothing.
"Ronon?" Rodney asked, in a small voice. "What kind of place is this?"
"We need to get out of here," Ronon said in a very strange tone of voice.
Rodney looked down at his friend sharply; he'd never heard Ronon sound like that before, and when he looked at the tarantula, he saw that he was standing very still, not moving at all. Ronon never stood like that. He was always in some kind of motion: vibrating, stretching, clicking his fangs together. He had never looked so utterly still.
"Ronon?" Rodney said again. He lowered his altitude, moving closer to his friend, but suddenly not sure if he should move too close.
Ronon continued standing still for a few minutes more, and when Rodney was just about to get really worried, Ronon spoke. "You asked me once how I knew about universities. Schools. All that stuff."
"Yes," Rodney said uncertainly.
Ronon clicked his fangs once, twice. "This is how."
At first Rodney was confused, and was about to ask Ronon to clarify, and then, suddenly, it dawned on him. The rows and rows of tiny plastic cages in this small university building. A vibrant image came to him of Ronon, trapped in a cage so small he barely had room to run from one side to the other. Rodney felt ill.
Rodney thought about saying he was sorry, but he knew Ronon, and realized abruptly he'd probably rather not talk about it. So, instead, Rodney nervously vibrated his wings and said, "Hey, I think they're probably done looking for us by now. You wanna try sneaking back out of the building?"
Ronon took a deep breath, his body heaving up and down. "Yeah. That sounds like a plan."
They were heading for the door when Rodney heard a voice behind him cry, "Wait!"
===
===
"Teyla, what in the hell are you doing?" John muttered urgently under his breath. "Didn't you see the size of that tarantula?"
"John," Teyla said calmly, "you may think I have not noticed, but in our conversations together it has not escaped my attention that more than anything, you desire to be free from this place. I also, am not happy being held in captivity here. Do you think we will ever get another chance? A better chance?"
John was loath to admit it, but she was right, and suddenly he couldn't help feeling a hint of hope.
Then the enormous tarantula appeared crawling over the edge of the shelf in front of his cage, and it took all of John's willpower to stop himself from playing dead.
"Who said that?" said a voice from somewhere in front of Teyla's cage; John couldn't see who had spoken, but he assumed it was the small flying insect he'd glimpsed earlier, seemingly conversing with the enormous tarantula.
"It was I," said Teyla. "Please, we have all been imprisoned here against our will. I beg of you, if you are able, release my friend and I from our enclosures."
"We can't free everyone," said the tarantula gruffly, still staring intently into John's cage.
Great, John thought. I had always hoped I'd get free just to be eaten by a huge spider.
"We do not ask you to free every prisoner here," said Teyla smoothly. "Most of them have been here so long they have lost the will to live, anyway. Just, please, my friend's only hope is to see the outside sky once more. I, also, long for my freedom. If it is in your power, we ask that you at least help us to go free."
The big tarantula had finally stopped staring at John and had moved over on the shelf, presumably now looking at Teyla. Then, John heard the sound of the spider climbing up Teyla's enclosure, and walking on top of it.
"Is it possible?" asked the flying insect again.
"Should be able to do it," said the tarantula. "There's clamps. Kinda big."
"But not too big for you, right?"
"Right."
Suddenly, the flying insect appeared in front of John's enclosure, and John hopped back a step. Up close, the insect was like none he'd ever seen. It was brilliant green, with an extremely oddly-shaped head, strangely bent forelimbs, a long slender body and hind limbs that actually... Actually, aside from the rapidly beating wings on either side of its body, looked remarkably similar to John.
"You'd better try to get a grip on something," the flying insect said to both him and, presumably, Teyla. "Ronon's about to try to pry the clamps off the lids of your enclosures. You might go flying or something."
"Oh, that's very helpful," said John. "I'll just grab onto the convenient handle I've got mounted in here, then."
"Hey!" said the flying insect indignantly, but then there was a loud popping noise and John's cage shook mildly, and he looked up. The lid was still there, but one half of it was askew. There was a crack in the lid.
"I..." John stared at the small opening with hunger in his eyes. "I don't know if I can climb up these walls."
Then the tank shook again, and the lid was completely off. John tried not to freak out about the huge tarantula straddling the lid of his enclosure, and then it (right, "Ronon") was gone, working on Teyla's tank. John was about to shout up more loudly about his inability to fly, when the odd flying insect from outside dropped down in front of him.
John started, but held his ground. It might go against all his instincts, but he hadn't really been one for following his instincts since the day he'd lost Dex and Mitch. Besides which, this insect wasn't that much bigger than him. It probably wasn't going to try to eat him. Hopefully.
"Hey, I'm Rodney," said the weird insect. "Um, I'm a mantis. What are you?"
John fought against his normal slouching posture, standing up straight to seem as tall as possible. "Isn't that kind of rude? Just asking random bugs what they are?"
Rodney noticed John's postural change and responded with one of his own, stretching up straight and spreading his front legs out, air hissing loudly out of his abdomen or something. John decided that, okay, maybe Rodney was a lot bigger than he looked. And a little bit more threatening. Although John still definitely wasn't afraid or anything like that.
"Hey, we did just rescue you," said Rodney. "You could show a little gratitude."
"I am grateful," said John, honestly. "I'm John. Um, I'm a stick insect. Walking stick. Whatever."
"Really, you're actually called a walking stick?" Rodney looked John up and down. "They chose a pretty accurate name, huh? What with the, you know." He waved a forelimb in John's general direction.
"No, I don't know," said John, feeling the desire to reach out and kick Rodney well up in him. "Mind elaborating for me?"
"Well, you're totally scrawny," said Rodney. "All lean sinewy body with nothing even remotely threatening." Rodney tilted his head to one side and leaned in toward John. "All in all, you really do look remarkably like a skinny stick."
John was about to either try to bite, kick, or respond to Rodney (he wasn't sure which), when the enormous tarantula (Ronon, right) appeared over the top of his enclosure again. "Rodney," he said, "Stop flirting. I think I heard someone in the hall. We have to go."
"Flirting?" shouted both John and Rodney simultaneously, and John was about to go on, but any retort he may have had died in his head, and if Rodney said anything, John didn't hear him, because Teyla had appeared above the opening of his enclosure, the most stunning shimmering orange and blue and black pattern John had ever seen painted on her two large wings, her small head gazing down at him lovingly, slender antennae protruding to either side.
"Hello, John," she said. "It is good to finally meet you face to face."
"Teyla," John said. "You're a butterfly. You're beautiful."
Teyla ducked her antennae a bit and folded her wings together, and then next to John, Rodney spoke abruptly, "Yes, yes, whatever, I'm sure you two cannot wait to consummate your cross-species love affair, but unfortunately, we've got to get out of here if you're still interested in escaping." He turned to John. "Mind holding your legs in so I can get a better grip on you?"
"Oh," said John, as it finally dawned on him why Rodney had landed in his tank in the first place. "Right." He pulled his legs in and held himself stiff. Rodney hesitated, then reached around John quickly and grasped him with his forelimbs.
"Ahem," said Rodney. "Maybe you'd better hold on to me, too." So John managed to twist himself around and wrap his legs around Rodney, below where his wings were located, and then Rodney launched himself into the air, and John thought, Shit, I'm flying, I'm almost, almost flying.
Behind them John saw Teyla taking flight, her delicate wings spreading wide and reflecting brilliantly the dim light in the room, while Ronon crawled quickly down the shelving unit and onto the floor. In less time than John would have liked, Rodney had landed, setting John gingerly on his back as they touched down on the cold tile floor. John quickly righted himself and thought about how much he wanted to be back in the air again.
"We'll get out of here more quickly and efficiently if we both ride on Ronon's back," Rodney said, and John looked at the enormous tarantula doubtfully. "Trust me," Rodney insisted. "He's a lot faster than either of us on land, and I can't fly for extremely long distances."
"Okay," said John. He began to make for Ronon's back, but Rodney put a forelimb in his path.
"We have to wait until we're under the door, first," Rodney said. "Then we get on."
"Right, said John, and then, "Wait." He twisted around to look behind them, where Teyla was hovering. "What about Teyla?"
"Do not worry, John," said Teyla. "I can fly quite fast enough on my own, if Ronon leads the way."
"The nearest building exit shouldn't be too far from here," said Ronon. "Just stay close to the ground. We'll have to hide near the outside door when we get there and wait for someone to open it for us."
"All right," said Teyla.
"Okay," said Ronon. "As soon as we're under the door, get on my back. Then hold on. Ready... Go!"
All four insects scrambled under the door into the brightly-lit hallway. John had a hard time adjusting to the light, but Ronon was immediately in front of him, obligingly lowering his abdomen to the ground with Rodney already on board, and John scrambled to climb on top of Ronon as well.
"Make sure you get a good grip," said Rodney. "He runs kind of fast."
John had barely gotten a grip at all when Ronon took off down the hallway and proved that "kind of" was a really, really big understatement.
John's forelimbs weren't really designed for gripping the way Rodney's were, and he almost lost his hold on Ronon's hairs a couple of times, when Rodney shifted and tried to throw some of his lower body weight over John to help keep him in place. Out of the corner of his vision, John saw Teyla flitting behind them, and as they rounded a few more corners, John saw a door with an extremely large window, with bright light shining in through it.
Ronon off to the side of the door, Teyla setting down behind them.
Freedom, John thought. Sky.
And then the door opened, and they were moving very rapidly, and some human above them yelled, and they were outside.
Free.
===
===
Rodney didn't know exactly how it happened.
He had thought, when he and Ronon rescued Teyla and John, that that'd be the end of it. They'd help the other bugs get out into the open, then go on their merry ways, never to cross paths again.
Only that wasn't exactly how it worked out. As it turned out, neither John nor Teyla had originally come from this continent, most likely. So neither of them were really that prepared for survival by themselves in the wild. That, and Ronon seemed to have developed some kind of weird instant bond with Teyla. Maybe it was that whole, "Oh, we were both imprisoned by those evil beings that simply wanted to keep us there until they'd sucked all the will to live out of us," thing.
Except John had gone through that too, and he didn't seem to have an instant bond with Ronon. Their relationship, so far, was more one of mutual respect. John seemed to continuously keep an eye on Ronon as if expecting the spider to turn and eat him at any instant.
Finally, Rodney got fed up with it. "Oh please, you're way too scrawny to make any kind of meal for Ronon. Hell, even I would definitely be more filling than you, you stick."
John turned and gave Rodney a Look that Rodney had by now identified as a pout. He was actually becoming disturbingly adept at determining John's moods. They were definitely spending way too much time together.
===
John also became obsessed with pestering Rodney into taking him flying. It was a little bit creepy.
"C'mon, Rodneyyyyy," whined John, poking Rodney with several of his stick-like limbs at once. "Let's go flying together. You know you like it when the humans look at us and get confused because they can't figure out if we're mating or you're eating me."
If Rodney had had eye sockets, he would have definitely rolled his eyes at that. "You know, it disturbs me how closely related you seem to think mating is with food consumption. Those two things should never be combined."
John wasn't capable of producing any real kinds of sound effects, and yet Rodney would have still sworn John was trying to purr at him. "Mmhmm, Rodney," he said. "You're not fooling anyone. You love flying with me. Let's go."
And Rodney sputtered, and he protested, but in the end, he always ended up giving in. All this flying was starting to cut in on his physics time. He couldn't let this continue. John was a horrible influence.
"You have to help me think of a way to make him stop!" insisted Rodney.
"Yeah, whatever," said Ronon, munching on some kind of small bird, for Pete's sake.
Teyla fluttered her shimmering wings at him. "You two are very cute together."
Rodney wished like anything that he could scowl at her. "I liked you better when I thought you and John were in love with each other."
===
Rodney had been having to sneak away from John more and more often recently; that crazy walking stick just would not let him go! He always wanted to do something, be it munching on leaves together, or flying together, or Rodney teaching John about the principles of aerodynamics (he'd admit, it was hard to resist that one), or whatever else John had cooked up in that hollow stick head of his.
"Ah, peace at last," Rodney sighed as he set to work typing up an email. Ronon, having recently been bored quite often, had taken up the habit of stealing random humans' electronics for Rodney, who found the iPhone a lot easier to type on than a full-sized computer keyboard. Of course, the humans would inevitably cancel their phone service, but Rodney had figured out how to patch in to the college wireless networks, and had been happily sending out dozens of emails a day since then, without the danger of trips to the computer lab. Unfortunately, the uninterrupted time to work required getting away from John, and the walking stick was uncannily good at tracking him down around campus, particularly given that he couldn't fly.
But Rodney was free now, and was in the middle of typing an irate email to this Czech physicist named Zelenka (shows a lot of promise, but still has some ideas that are just wrong wrong wrong), when suddenly, Rodney was struck by an odd feeling, like nothing he'd ever really felt before.
He looked up, and glanced out from beneath the bush he was hiding under. No John, Ronon, or Teyla anywhere to be seen. Just lots of big mammals plodding around as usual, the general local insects, mostly too small for Rodney to pay any mind to, and...
And then Rodney saw her.
He hadn't seen any of his own kind since making his trek to the cricket in the meadow, since setting off on his subsequent trek with Ronon.
She was beautiful, standing there across the sidewalk, perched on some kind of wildflower and swaying slightly from side to side, staring straight at Rodney.
He took to the air carefully, avoiding the humans as he made his way over to her. Cautiously, he set down on the flower next to hers.
"Um, hi," he said. "I'm Rodney."
"Hello Rodney," she said, "I'm Jennifer." She was still swaying from side to side, and Rodney found himself utterly enchanted.
"Uh, nice to meet you," he said. "So, I, uh, haven't seen you around here before. Are you new to this area?"
"As a matter of fact, I am," she said. "Actually, I traveled here from pretty far away because I wanted to learn more about medicine. This stink beetle I talked to told me if I came here, I could learn."
"You came here to learn? I thought I was the only one!"
"Oh really?" Jennifer swayed toward him, and Rodney swayed back. "What are you studying?" she asked.
"Well, physics in general," Rodney said. "A little bit of engineering here and there. But my main specialty is theoretical astrophysics."
"Wow," she breathed, and Rodney thought he could stare at her forever.
===
This feeling lasted until about the time she tried to mate with him and eat his head.
"What the hell!" Rodney shouted, air hissing out of his abdomen in extreme irritation as he paced back and forth beneath their group's usual home bush. "What the hell! She tried to eat my head. My head! I need that for thinking! How am I supposed to do astrophysics without my head?"
"Use your enormous ego?" John suggested in a sweet tone.
"Teyla told me that male mantises actually speed up their reproductive thrusts once their heads are eaten, or something," said Ronon helpfully. "It might be a successful evolutionary adaptation."
"What," said Rodney, "what! You knew female mantises sometimes ate the heads of their mates and you didn't think it was important to tell me?"
Ronon shrugged. "I didn't know you and Jennifer knew each other."
Rodney stared. "Wait, you two knew each other? When did this happen?"
Ronon turned away and began rubbing at one of his legs with another leg. "Dunno. Couple of days ago. She's new in town. I said hello. We talked."
"Well that's just great!" Rodney said, "Maybe you two should mate. She can eat your head instead."
Ronon stretched his fangs wide apart. "I wouldn't mind if she tried."
"Ugh," said Rodney. "Whatever, she was all wrong for me anyway. Medicine is barely removed from voodoo. If only there were another bug around here interested in astrophysics."
"You got another reply from Zelenka," said John, poking at a Blackberry Ronon had recently acquired for them. "He says you're totally wrong about M-theory."
"What!" exclaimed Rodney, forgetting about Jennifer and running over to stare at the Blackberry screen. "Did you tell him he was a complete idiot?"
"Yeah," said John. "I explained the math and everything. He's still arguing about it."
"Please, give me that," said Rodney, pushing John aside. As he was typing, he glanced sideways at John, sitting there and staring at him with an odd look in his eyes. "What?" he asked. "Do you want to go flying when I'm done typing this?"
"Sure," said John, "I'd like that."
===
===
As it turned out, John was a complete idiot.
The whole time he'd been in captivity, he'd dreamed about gaining his freedom, setting off on his own again. Just like old times, him on his own, a solitary phasmid, neither needing nor desiring the company of anyone. Except, maybe, he finally amended his plan, Teyla. He'd miss Teyla, if he were on his own.
Only, John never really believed he was actually going to break free. So when he did, he was mostly at a loss, and somehow, he and Teyla ended up living with Ronon and Rodney under a bush. Ronon, whom John had initially thought the most dangerous-looking arthropod he'd ever seen, and who had turned out to be, in some ways, one of the kindest and most thoughtful creatures in John's acquaintance (as long as you weren't one of the creatures on his prey list). Then there was Rodney. At first John thought Rodney was the most infuriating insect he had ever met. Then, John amended that to include infuriating, exasperating, and annoying. Then John learned how to get Rodney to take him along for flights on a regular basis, and the list grew to include astounding and breathtaking. Then Rodney started to teach John about math and physics, and John decided Rodney was really kind of amazing. Only, Rodney never seemed to notice that John thought any of these things about him, or if he did, he gave no sign.
"You should just tell him," Teyla kept telling him.
But what if he's not interested? thought John.
He said nothing.
Then Rodney had his close call with mating and beheading, and John felt a new kind of urgency. He didn't like to think about it, but they were only insects. Their life spans were maybe about a year, and that was it. Plus, there were so many things that could potentially take one of them out before that time. Why keep taking chances and putting things off?
"Okay," John said one morning. "I think I'm going to tell him."
Teyla fluttered her wings happily. "Oh John, I am so proud of you. I am sure you will both be very happy together."
John wasn't as sure, but he was trying to be optimistic. "Oh, hey," he said, remembering Ronon and Rodney's conversation about Jennifer. "Whatever happened between you and Ronon? I thought you two were an item."
"No," said Teyla distractedly. "We were never an interested in each other in that manner. We are merely friends."
"Ah," said John awkwardly. Teyla seemed to have something else on her mind, but now didn't seem the time to ask. And besides, John had other things on his mind, as well.
Teyla shook out her antennae as if to clear her mind, and turned to John. "Tell him," she said. "You may never get another chance at happiness."
And there was definitely something else going on there, but Teyla was right; John resolved to bring it up later. Now, he had to go find Rodney.
===
John located Rodney outside the chemistry building: one of his usual spots, that Rodney thought he didn't know about. Rodney was furiously punching out an email to someone. John moved in stealthily and peered over Rodney's shoulder. Ahhh, Kavanagh. Rodney would be in an excellent mood, then.
"Uh, Rodney?"
"What the fuck!" Rodney launched himself into the air, smacked his head on a branch above him, then crashed to the ground beside John. John stared with fond amusement as Rodney pulled himself up and glared at John. "What was that! You scared the shit out of me sneaking up on me like that! And how in the hell did you find me?"
"Hey to you too, Rodney," said John. "You wanna go flying?"
"No I do not want to go flying with you! You just tried to frighten me to death with your creepy sneaky stealth ways! Also, you're apparently stalking me or something like that, since you always know where I am at every instant of every day, and I'm not really sure how I feel about that, except that you should... Why are you looking at me like that? Is there something on my face?"
"Only your extremely active jaws," said John cheerfully. "C'mon. Let's go flying." He continued staring at Rodney intensely, letting everything show on his face, he almost imagined Rodney's green hue flushing a little red, even though that surely wasn't possible.
"Um, sure," said Rodney. He approached John slowly, and John held himself very still as Rodney carefully wrapped his forelimbs around John. John in turn plastered himself to Rodney, and felt the mantis shiver a little between his legs.
"All right?" asked John huskily.
"Yeah," said Rodney, taking a few deep breaths. "All right."
Rodney launched them into the air, and it was like every other time they'd gone flying together, except that it was completely different. John didn't try to hide anything at all, and he let his body shift against Rodney's as they flew, making them falter and drop in the air a few times, although every time Rodney regained control and pulled them back into the air.
After the third time, Rodney glared down at John. "You're doing that on purpose," he accused, though there wasn't any real heat in it.
"Maybe," John said. "Did you ever figure out if we're mating or you're eating me?"
"Um," said Rodney. "Well, apparently, in my species, the two are often closely intertwined."
"Like us right now, huh?" John tightened his legs and pressed himself even closer to Rodney.
"Yes, uh," said Rodney, "kind of like that, yes. But... John, I need to land."
"Okay," said John.
They landed under a mulberry bush, not one of Rodney's usual spots.
"You know we can never actually mate, right?" Rodney asked anxiously. "I mean, we're not the same species. It's not as if we..."
John felt warm affection flood through him. "Rodney, I'm not an idiot. It's not as if I expected hundreds of eggs, or anything like that."
"Um, good," said Rodney.
"But," John moved closer to him, "it's not like there isn't anything we can do together, either." He stuck a leg out and drew it slowly across the back of one of Rodney's folded wings, and listened to Rodney's breath stutter.
"Er, yes," said Rodney. "Okay, you might have a point there."
===
From then on, that mulberry bush was always one of John and Rodney's regular spots.
===
===
In the end, they all got more or less happy endings. Ronon and Jennifer began an odd kind of courtship, in which she'd try to eat his head every now and then, and he'd amusedly bat her away with one hairy enormous leg.
Rodney and Jennifer started getting along pretty well once he was convinced she wouldn't try to eat his head. They even got to talking about where they'd both come from, and Rodney discovered that Jennifer had run into Jeannie once or twice.
"We should take a trip one of these days, look her up," John insisted.
"Yeah, yeah, maybe," Rodney said, effectively distracting John from the matter with a very keen trick he'd learned with his abdominal spiracles.
For a while, Teyla had been somewhat aloof and distracted, until John finally confronted her about it and they learned that back in the lab they'd been kept in was another butterfly, the same as Teyla's species. Teyla thought she had known him before they'd both been captured.
And so, another daring rescue mission was launched. The human scientists were completely flummoxed when they came into the lab one morning and half their specimens were missing from their enclosures, with those remaining only seemingly remaining out of free will or apathy, since every single enclosure had been opened. It was a complete mystery. They'd found some especially odd tarantula hair all over the lab that couldn't be explained, as absolutely none of their specimens had been tarantulas, and this species wasn't indigenous to the area.
Teyla and Kanaan were almost disgustingly happy with each other, flapping around the wildflowers together all the time.
Rodney kept up with his work. He and that Czech physicist Zelenka had in particular developed a very close working relationship. Zelenka kept emailing Rodney recently demanding to meet him face-to-face. John said it was a good idea and Rodney should go for it. Rodney kept having to shut John up with sex.
One evening, as Rodney was poking out the last of his emails for the day, he heard John approaching him from behind. (He'd gotten a lot better, over time, at noticing when John was trying to sneak up on him.)
"I hear you," Rodney said. "You're not scaring me this time."
"Um, Rodney?" said John. "I think there's something here you need to look at."
"Right," said Rodney. "You're not distracting me that easily, either. I'm right in the middle of an email to Zelenka, and you know how hard you and I worked on that proof. So just wait a second, and then I'll be ready for flying and sex."
"Rodney," said John a bit more urgently, "I think you really need to come over here and look, right now."
Rodney exhaled with exasperation. "Fine," he said, turning around and striding over to John. "What is it? What's so important?" John pointed down at the ground, and Rodney looked down.
"Um, Teyla said it's called parthenogenesis," John said, while Rodney stared dumbly at the eggs. "I guess my species can reproduce asexually. So, um, say, how do you feel about starting a family? Supposedly they incubate for a couple of months, so we still have time to decide if we want to keep them or not." He shifted anxiously from three of his feet to the other three, and Rodney suddenly snapped out of his stupor.
"Well of course we're going to keep them!" Rodney said, glaring. "How can you even ask that? I swear, you're such an empty stick-head sometimes."
"Maybe," John said, "But I'm your stick-head."
"This is true," Rodney agreed, moving in to curl around him. Then he froze. "Oh fuck, I'm going to be a father."
"Relax." John petted Rodney with his forelimbs soothingly. "You'll always have me around to help. And I'll even help you find more errors with your proofs like that one from yesterday. You know, empty stick-head that I am."
"I knew there was some reason I put up with you," Rodney said fondly.
"Yeah," John returned, nestling deeply between Rodney's limbs.
===
===
Post-script: This is more or less how I had Rodney, Ronon, John, and Teyla pictured in my mind while writing this, in case you were curious. ;p
Also, the title of this story refers to the old (false) myth that it's aerodynamically impossible for the bumblebee to fly, but the bee itself doesn't know that, so it flies anyway.
Author: Santa
Character(s)/Pairing(s): John/Rodney & Team friendship. Supporting Ronon/Jennifer, Teyla/Kanaan, Rodney&Radek friendship, brief Rodney/Jennifer.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 11,284
Warnings: Crack. Descriptions of insects and other arthropods. A few minor characters die (but no one who was ever alive during the show).
Spoilers: General (mainly for casting) through season four.
A/N: Huge thanks to betas vaginasaurus and makesomelove, as well as others who gave me suggestions or feedback. Any remaining shortcomings are mine, particularly errors concerning arthropod anatomy or reproduction.
Disclaimer: As always, I make no money from this.
Summary: Gender identity crises, sneaking into physics seminars, daring rescue schemes, and the complicated relationship between sex and eating. Oh, plus they're all insects (and one arachnid).
Recipient: For yesj, who asked for "crack where they're flowers or puppies or paving stones or something" and happy endings. I hope this is cracky enough, and that you enjoy it.
===
Part 1
===
Teyla never brought up John's parentage again, seeming to sense that it was a tender subject. They did, however, have more conversations about sex. Teyla explained the concepts of male and female to John, and told him that despite being classified as a gynandromorph herself, she had decided to think of herself as female. John decided to choose a male identity for himself, though he was still uncomfortable with the idea of sex categories in general, and a little dubious that they truly existed.
"How else would your species reproduce?" Teyla asked one dark evening.
"I don't know," John said. "They just would. I always got the idea that we just reproduced by ourselves."
Teyla didn't answer right away, which John had learned meant she was considering what he said. "I suppose this is possible," she finally conceded. "Although I am uncertain that would be a successful long-term genetic adaptation for the survival of your species."
John had learned a hell of a lot about genetics from Teyla over the past couple of weeks. She'd been caged in here a great while longer than him, she explained, and had dedicated her time to observing the scientists who worked in here, gazing out at their papers and computers and trying to glean information from their work. In the time before he'd started talking to Teyla, John had never really been interested in anything that went on outside his cage, once he figured out none of it was going to help him escape. But Teyla seemed very into this stuff, so John tried to learn more about it in order to please her.
"I dunno," said John, shifting his weight from foot to foot. "Maybe there are other mechanisms for genetic diversity. Or maybe the lack of need for reproduction between two partners outweighs that cost."
"Perhaps," conceded Teyla agreeably.
And then, madness erupted in the endlessly calm laboratory.
===
===
"Did anyone see us? Have we been followed? Oh shit, oh shit, we're both going to die, they're going to find us and step on you and throw a book on me. I'm going to be killed by the very knowledge I seek to acquire!"
"Rodney, calm down," said Ronon. "Stop shouting and get down here. We need to hide."
"What good is hiding going to do?" shrieked Rodney. "They're still going to find us. They'll kill me! They'll kill us both! All my knowledge, gone! And worst of all, I'll never be able to correct that idiot at MIT. Oh, what am I going to..." Then Rodney paused, looked around, and noticed their surroundings. "Hey Ronon, where the hell ...are we?"
Ronon had run been crouching on the ground with his eyes on Rodney, and his forelimbs up in a threatening position, but at the question, he lowered his legs and turned in the direction Rodney was gazing.
The room was dark, but Rodney could make out rows of shelves, filled with small plastic boxes. Inside the boxes, he could barely make out ...insects. Dozens and dozens of insects, of various types: some he knew, some he didn't, some that looked like nothing he'd ever imagined before. They were all sitting quite still, some staring back at Rodney and Ronon, but most of them seemed to be looking at ...nothing.
"Ronon?" Rodney asked, in a small voice. "What kind of place is this?"
"We need to get out of here," Ronon said in a very strange tone of voice.
Rodney looked down at his friend sharply; he'd never heard Ronon sound like that before, and when he looked at the tarantula, he saw that he was standing very still, not moving at all. Ronon never stood like that. He was always in some kind of motion: vibrating, stretching, clicking his fangs together. He had never looked so utterly still.
"Ronon?" Rodney said again. He lowered his altitude, moving closer to his friend, but suddenly not sure if he should move too close.
Ronon continued standing still for a few minutes more, and when Rodney was just about to get really worried, Ronon spoke. "You asked me once how I knew about universities. Schools. All that stuff."
"Yes," Rodney said uncertainly.
Ronon clicked his fangs once, twice. "This is how."
At first Rodney was confused, and was about to ask Ronon to clarify, and then, suddenly, it dawned on him. The rows and rows of tiny plastic cages in this small university building. A vibrant image came to him of Ronon, trapped in a cage so small he barely had room to run from one side to the other. Rodney felt ill.
Rodney thought about saying he was sorry, but he knew Ronon, and realized abruptly he'd probably rather not talk about it. So, instead, Rodney nervously vibrated his wings and said, "Hey, I think they're probably done looking for us by now. You wanna try sneaking back out of the building?"
Ronon took a deep breath, his body heaving up and down. "Yeah. That sounds like a plan."
They were heading for the door when Rodney heard a voice behind him cry, "Wait!"
===
===
"Teyla, what in the hell are you doing?" John muttered urgently under his breath. "Didn't you see the size of that tarantula?"
"John," Teyla said calmly, "you may think I have not noticed, but in our conversations together it has not escaped my attention that more than anything, you desire to be free from this place. I also, am not happy being held in captivity here. Do you think we will ever get another chance? A better chance?"
John was loath to admit it, but she was right, and suddenly he couldn't help feeling a hint of hope.
Then the enormous tarantula appeared crawling over the edge of the shelf in front of his cage, and it took all of John's willpower to stop himself from playing dead.
"Who said that?" said a voice from somewhere in front of Teyla's cage; John couldn't see who had spoken, but he assumed it was the small flying insect he'd glimpsed earlier, seemingly conversing with the enormous tarantula.
"It was I," said Teyla. "Please, we have all been imprisoned here against our will. I beg of you, if you are able, release my friend and I from our enclosures."
"We can't free everyone," said the tarantula gruffly, still staring intently into John's cage.
Great, John thought. I had always hoped I'd get free just to be eaten by a huge spider.
"We do not ask you to free every prisoner here," said Teyla smoothly. "Most of them have been here so long they have lost the will to live, anyway. Just, please, my friend's only hope is to see the outside sky once more. I, also, long for my freedom. If it is in your power, we ask that you at least help us to go free."
The big tarantula had finally stopped staring at John and had moved over on the shelf, presumably now looking at Teyla. Then, John heard the sound of the spider climbing up Teyla's enclosure, and walking on top of it.
"Is it possible?" asked the flying insect again.
"Should be able to do it," said the tarantula. "There's clamps. Kinda big."
"But not too big for you, right?"
"Right."
Suddenly, the flying insect appeared in front of John's enclosure, and John hopped back a step. Up close, the insect was like none he'd ever seen. It was brilliant green, with an extremely oddly-shaped head, strangely bent forelimbs, a long slender body and hind limbs that actually... Actually, aside from the rapidly beating wings on either side of its body, looked remarkably similar to John.
"You'd better try to get a grip on something," the flying insect said to both him and, presumably, Teyla. "Ronon's about to try to pry the clamps off the lids of your enclosures. You might go flying or something."
"Oh, that's very helpful," said John. "I'll just grab onto the convenient handle I've got mounted in here, then."
"Hey!" said the flying insect indignantly, but then there was a loud popping noise and John's cage shook mildly, and he looked up. The lid was still there, but one half of it was askew. There was a crack in the lid.
"I..." John stared at the small opening with hunger in his eyes. "I don't know if I can climb up these walls."
Then the tank shook again, and the lid was completely off. John tried not to freak out about the huge tarantula straddling the lid of his enclosure, and then it (right, "Ronon") was gone, working on Teyla's tank. John was about to shout up more loudly about his inability to fly, when the odd flying insect from outside dropped down in front of him.
John started, but held his ground. It might go against all his instincts, but he hadn't really been one for following his instincts since the day he'd lost Dex and Mitch. Besides which, this insect wasn't that much bigger than him. It probably wasn't going to try to eat him. Hopefully.
"Hey, I'm Rodney," said the weird insect. "Um, I'm a mantis. What are you?"
John fought against his normal slouching posture, standing up straight to seem as tall as possible. "Isn't that kind of rude? Just asking random bugs what they are?"
Rodney noticed John's postural change and responded with one of his own, stretching up straight and spreading his front legs out, air hissing loudly out of his abdomen or something. John decided that, okay, maybe Rodney was a lot bigger than he looked. And a little bit more threatening. Although John still definitely wasn't afraid or anything like that.
"Hey, we did just rescue you," said Rodney. "You could show a little gratitude."
"I am grateful," said John, honestly. "I'm John. Um, I'm a stick insect. Walking stick. Whatever."
"Really, you're actually called a walking stick?" Rodney looked John up and down. "They chose a pretty accurate name, huh? What with the, you know." He waved a forelimb in John's general direction.
"No, I don't know," said John, feeling the desire to reach out and kick Rodney well up in him. "Mind elaborating for me?"
"Well, you're totally scrawny," said Rodney. "All lean sinewy body with nothing even remotely threatening." Rodney tilted his head to one side and leaned in toward John. "All in all, you really do look remarkably like a skinny stick."
John was about to either try to bite, kick, or respond to Rodney (he wasn't sure which), when the enormous tarantula (Ronon, right) appeared over the top of his enclosure again. "Rodney," he said, "Stop flirting. I think I heard someone in the hall. We have to go."
"Flirting?" shouted both John and Rodney simultaneously, and John was about to go on, but any retort he may have had died in his head, and if Rodney said anything, John didn't hear him, because Teyla had appeared above the opening of his enclosure, the most stunning shimmering orange and blue and black pattern John had ever seen painted on her two large wings, her small head gazing down at him lovingly, slender antennae protruding to either side.
"Hello, John," she said. "It is good to finally meet you face to face."
"Teyla," John said. "You're a butterfly. You're beautiful."
Teyla ducked her antennae a bit and folded her wings together, and then next to John, Rodney spoke abruptly, "Yes, yes, whatever, I'm sure you two cannot wait to consummate your cross-species love affair, but unfortunately, we've got to get out of here if you're still interested in escaping." He turned to John. "Mind holding your legs in so I can get a better grip on you?"
"Oh," said John, as it finally dawned on him why Rodney had landed in his tank in the first place. "Right." He pulled his legs in and held himself stiff. Rodney hesitated, then reached around John quickly and grasped him with his forelimbs.
"Ahem," said Rodney. "Maybe you'd better hold on to me, too." So John managed to twist himself around and wrap his legs around Rodney, below where his wings were located, and then Rodney launched himself into the air, and John thought, Shit, I'm flying, I'm almost, almost flying.
Behind them John saw Teyla taking flight, her delicate wings spreading wide and reflecting brilliantly the dim light in the room, while Ronon crawled quickly down the shelving unit and onto the floor. In less time than John would have liked, Rodney had landed, setting John gingerly on his back as they touched down on the cold tile floor. John quickly righted himself and thought about how much he wanted to be back in the air again.
"We'll get out of here more quickly and efficiently if we both ride on Ronon's back," Rodney said, and John looked at the enormous tarantula doubtfully. "Trust me," Rodney insisted. "He's a lot faster than either of us on land, and I can't fly for extremely long distances."
"Okay," said John. He began to make for Ronon's back, but Rodney put a forelimb in his path.
"We have to wait until we're under the door, first," Rodney said. "Then we get on."
"Right, said John, and then, "Wait." He twisted around to look behind them, where Teyla was hovering. "What about Teyla?"
"Do not worry, John," said Teyla. "I can fly quite fast enough on my own, if Ronon leads the way."
"The nearest building exit shouldn't be too far from here," said Ronon. "Just stay close to the ground. We'll have to hide near the outside door when we get there and wait for someone to open it for us."
"All right," said Teyla.
"Okay," said Ronon. "As soon as we're under the door, get on my back. Then hold on. Ready... Go!"
All four insects scrambled under the door into the brightly-lit hallway. John had a hard time adjusting to the light, but Ronon was immediately in front of him, obligingly lowering his abdomen to the ground with Rodney already on board, and John scrambled to climb on top of Ronon as well.
"Make sure you get a good grip," said Rodney. "He runs kind of fast."
John had barely gotten a grip at all when Ronon took off down the hallway and proved that "kind of" was a really, really big understatement.
John's forelimbs weren't really designed for gripping the way Rodney's were, and he almost lost his hold on Ronon's hairs a couple of times, when Rodney shifted and tried to throw some of his lower body weight over John to help keep him in place. Out of the corner of his vision, John saw Teyla flitting behind them, and as they rounded a few more corners, John saw a door with an extremely large window, with bright light shining in through it.
Ronon off to the side of the door, Teyla setting down behind them.
Freedom, John thought. Sky.
And then the door opened, and they were moving very rapidly, and some human above them yelled, and they were outside.
Free.
===
===
Rodney didn't know exactly how it happened.
He had thought, when he and Ronon rescued Teyla and John, that that'd be the end of it. They'd help the other bugs get out into the open, then go on their merry ways, never to cross paths again.
Only that wasn't exactly how it worked out. As it turned out, neither John nor Teyla had originally come from this continent, most likely. So neither of them were really that prepared for survival by themselves in the wild. That, and Ronon seemed to have developed some kind of weird instant bond with Teyla. Maybe it was that whole, "Oh, we were both imprisoned by those evil beings that simply wanted to keep us there until they'd sucked all the will to live out of us," thing.
Except John had gone through that too, and he didn't seem to have an instant bond with Ronon. Their relationship, so far, was more one of mutual respect. John seemed to continuously keep an eye on Ronon as if expecting the spider to turn and eat him at any instant.
Finally, Rodney got fed up with it. "Oh please, you're way too scrawny to make any kind of meal for Ronon. Hell, even I would definitely be more filling than you, you stick."
John turned and gave Rodney a Look that Rodney had by now identified as a pout. He was actually becoming disturbingly adept at determining John's moods. They were definitely spending way too much time together.
===
John also became obsessed with pestering Rodney into taking him flying. It was a little bit creepy.
"C'mon, Rodneyyyyy," whined John, poking Rodney with several of his stick-like limbs at once. "Let's go flying together. You know you like it when the humans look at us and get confused because they can't figure out if we're mating or you're eating me."
If Rodney had had eye sockets, he would have definitely rolled his eyes at that. "You know, it disturbs me how closely related you seem to think mating is with food consumption. Those two things should never be combined."
John wasn't capable of producing any real kinds of sound effects, and yet Rodney would have still sworn John was trying to purr at him. "Mmhmm, Rodney," he said. "You're not fooling anyone. You love flying with me. Let's go."
And Rodney sputtered, and he protested, but in the end, he always ended up giving in. All this flying was starting to cut in on his physics time. He couldn't let this continue. John was a horrible influence.
"You have to help me think of a way to make him stop!" insisted Rodney.
"Yeah, whatever," said Ronon, munching on some kind of small bird, for Pete's sake.
Teyla fluttered her shimmering wings at him. "You two are very cute together."
Rodney wished like anything that he could scowl at her. "I liked you better when I thought you and John were in love with each other."
===
Rodney had been having to sneak away from John more and more often recently; that crazy walking stick just would not let him go! He always wanted to do something, be it munching on leaves together, or flying together, or Rodney teaching John about the principles of aerodynamics (he'd admit, it was hard to resist that one), or whatever else John had cooked up in that hollow stick head of his.
"Ah, peace at last," Rodney sighed as he set to work typing up an email. Ronon, having recently been bored quite often, had taken up the habit of stealing random humans' electronics for Rodney, who found the iPhone a lot easier to type on than a full-sized computer keyboard. Of course, the humans would inevitably cancel their phone service, but Rodney had figured out how to patch in to the college wireless networks, and had been happily sending out dozens of emails a day since then, without the danger of trips to the computer lab. Unfortunately, the uninterrupted time to work required getting away from John, and the walking stick was uncannily good at tracking him down around campus, particularly given that he couldn't fly.
But Rodney was free now, and was in the middle of typing an irate email to this Czech physicist named Zelenka (shows a lot of promise, but still has some ideas that are just wrong wrong wrong), when suddenly, Rodney was struck by an odd feeling, like nothing he'd ever really felt before.
He looked up, and glanced out from beneath the bush he was hiding under. No John, Ronon, or Teyla anywhere to be seen. Just lots of big mammals plodding around as usual, the general local insects, mostly too small for Rodney to pay any mind to, and...
And then Rodney saw her.
He hadn't seen any of his own kind since making his trek to the cricket in the meadow, since setting off on his subsequent trek with Ronon.
She was beautiful, standing there across the sidewalk, perched on some kind of wildflower and swaying slightly from side to side, staring straight at Rodney.
He took to the air carefully, avoiding the humans as he made his way over to her. Cautiously, he set down on the flower next to hers.
"Um, hi," he said. "I'm Rodney."
"Hello Rodney," she said, "I'm Jennifer." She was still swaying from side to side, and Rodney found himself utterly enchanted.
"Uh, nice to meet you," he said. "So, I, uh, haven't seen you around here before. Are you new to this area?"
"As a matter of fact, I am," she said. "Actually, I traveled here from pretty far away because I wanted to learn more about medicine. This stink beetle I talked to told me if I came here, I could learn."
"You came here to learn? I thought I was the only one!"
"Oh really?" Jennifer swayed toward him, and Rodney swayed back. "What are you studying?" she asked.
"Well, physics in general," Rodney said. "A little bit of engineering here and there. But my main specialty is theoretical astrophysics."
"Wow," she breathed, and Rodney thought he could stare at her forever.
===
This feeling lasted until about the time she tried to mate with him and eat his head.
"What the hell!" Rodney shouted, air hissing out of his abdomen in extreme irritation as he paced back and forth beneath their group's usual home bush. "What the hell! She tried to eat my head. My head! I need that for thinking! How am I supposed to do astrophysics without my head?"
"Use your enormous ego?" John suggested in a sweet tone.
"Teyla told me that male mantises actually speed up their reproductive thrusts once their heads are eaten, or something," said Ronon helpfully. "It might be a successful evolutionary adaptation."
"What," said Rodney, "what! You knew female mantises sometimes ate the heads of their mates and you didn't think it was important to tell me?"
Ronon shrugged. "I didn't know you and Jennifer knew each other."
Rodney stared. "Wait, you two knew each other? When did this happen?"
Ronon turned away and began rubbing at one of his legs with another leg. "Dunno. Couple of days ago. She's new in town. I said hello. We talked."
"Well that's just great!" Rodney said, "Maybe you two should mate. She can eat your head instead."
Ronon stretched his fangs wide apart. "I wouldn't mind if she tried."
"Ugh," said Rodney. "Whatever, she was all wrong for me anyway. Medicine is barely removed from voodoo. If only there were another bug around here interested in astrophysics."
"You got another reply from Zelenka," said John, poking at a Blackberry Ronon had recently acquired for them. "He says you're totally wrong about M-theory."
"What!" exclaimed Rodney, forgetting about Jennifer and running over to stare at the Blackberry screen. "Did you tell him he was a complete idiot?"
"Yeah," said John. "I explained the math and everything. He's still arguing about it."
"Please, give me that," said Rodney, pushing John aside. As he was typing, he glanced sideways at John, sitting there and staring at him with an odd look in his eyes. "What?" he asked. "Do you want to go flying when I'm done typing this?"
"Sure," said John, "I'd like that."
===
===
As it turned out, John was a complete idiot.
The whole time he'd been in captivity, he'd dreamed about gaining his freedom, setting off on his own again. Just like old times, him on his own, a solitary phasmid, neither needing nor desiring the company of anyone. Except, maybe, he finally amended his plan, Teyla. He'd miss Teyla, if he were on his own.
Only, John never really believed he was actually going to break free. So when he did, he was mostly at a loss, and somehow, he and Teyla ended up living with Ronon and Rodney under a bush. Ronon, whom John had initially thought the most dangerous-looking arthropod he'd ever seen, and who had turned out to be, in some ways, one of the kindest and most thoughtful creatures in John's acquaintance (as long as you weren't one of the creatures on his prey list). Then there was Rodney. At first John thought Rodney was the most infuriating insect he had ever met. Then, John amended that to include infuriating, exasperating, and annoying. Then John learned how to get Rodney to take him along for flights on a regular basis, and the list grew to include astounding and breathtaking. Then Rodney started to teach John about math and physics, and John decided Rodney was really kind of amazing. Only, Rodney never seemed to notice that John thought any of these things about him, or if he did, he gave no sign.
"You should just tell him," Teyla kept telling him.
But what if he's not interested? thought John.
He said nothing.
Then Rodney had his close call with mating and beheading, and John felt a new kind of urgency. He didn't like to think about it, but they were only insects. Their life spans were maybe about a year, and that was it. Plus, there were so many things that could potentially take one of them out before that time. Why keep taking chances and putting things off?
"Okay," John said one morning. "I think I'm going to tell him."
Teyla fluttered her wings happily. "Oh John, I am so proud of you. I am sure you will both be very happy together."
John wasn't as sure, but he was trying to be optimistic. "Oh, hey," he said, remembering Ronon and Rodney's conversation about Jennifer. "Whatever happened between you and Ronon? I thought you two were an item."
"No," said Teyla distractedly. "We were never an interested in each other in that manner. We are merely friends."
"Ah," said John awkwardly. Teyla seemed to have something else on her mind, but now didn't seem the time to ask. And besides, John had other things on his mind, as well.
Teyla shook out her antennae as if to clear her mind, and turned to John. "Tell him," she said. "You may never get another chance at happiness."
And there was definitely something else going on there, but Teyla was right; John resolved to bring it up later. Now, he had to go find Rodney.
===
John located Rodney outside the chemistry building: one of his usual spots, that Rodney thought he didn't know about. Rodney was furiously punching out an email to someone. John moved in stealthily and peered over Rodney's shoulder. Ahhh, Kavanagh. Rodney would be in an excellent mood, then.
"Uh, Rodney?"
"What the fuck!" Rodney launched himself into the air, smacked his head on a branch above him, then crashed to the ground beside John. John stared with fond amusement as Rodney pulled himself up and glared at John. "What was that! You scared the shit out of me sneaking up on me like that! And how in the hell did you find me?"
"Hey to you too, Rodney," said John. "You wanna go flying?"
"No I do not want to go flying with you! You just tried to frighten me to death with your creepy sneaky stealth ways! Also, you're apparently stalking me or something like that, since you always know where I am at every instant of every day, and I'm not really sure how I feel about that, except that you should... Why are you looking at me like that? Is there something on my face?"
"Only your extremely active jaws," said John cheerfully. "C'mon. Let's go flying." He continued staring at Rodney intensely, letting everything show on his face, he almost imagined Rodney's green hue flushing a little red, even though that surely wasn't possible.
"Um, sure," said Rodney. He approached John slowly, and John held himself very still as Rodney carefully wrapped his forelimbs around John. John in turn plastered himself to Rodney, and felt the mantis shiver a little between his legs.
"All right?" asked John huskily.
"Yeah," said Rodney, taking a few deep breaths. "All right."
Rodney launched them into the air, and it was like every other time they'd gone flying together, except that it was completely different. John didn't try to hide anything at all, and he let his body shift against Rodney's as they flew, making them falter and drop in the air a few times, although every time Rodney regained control and pulled them back into the air.
After the third time, Rodney glared down at John. "You're doing that on purpose," he accused, though there wasn't any real heat in it.
"Maybe," John said. "Did you ever figure out if we're mating or you're eating me?"
"Um," said Rodney. "Well, apparently, in my species, the two are often closely intertwined."
"Like us right now, huh?" John tightened his legs and pressed himself even closer to Rodney.
"Yes, uh," said Rodney, "kind of like that, yes. But... John, I need to land."
"Okay," said John.
They landed under a mulberry bush, not one of Rodney's usual spots.
"You know we can never actually mate, right?" Rodney asked anxiously. "I mean, we're not the same species. It's not as if we..."
John felt warm affection flood through him. "Rodney, I'm not an idiot. It's not as if I expected hundreds of eggs, or anything like that."
"Um, good," said Rodney.
"But," John moved closer to him, "it's not like there isn't anything we can do together, either." He stuck a leg out and drew it slowly across the back of one of Rodney's folded wings, and listened to Rodney's breath stutter.
"Er, yes," said Rodney. "Okay, you might have a point there."
===
From then on, that mulberry bush was always one of John and Rodney's regular spots.
===
===
In the end, they all got more or less happy endings. Ronon and Jennifer began an odd kind of courtship, in which she'd try to eat his head every now and then, and he'd amusedly bat her away with one hairy enormous leg.
Rodney and Jennifer started getting along pretty well once he was convinced she wouldn't try to eat his head. They even got to talking about where they'd both come from, and Rodney discovered that Jennifer had run into Jeannie once or twice.
"We should take a trip one of these days, look her up," John insisted.
"Yeah, yeah, maybe," Rodney said, effectively distracting John from the matter with a very keen trick he'd learned with his abdominal spiracles.
For a while, Teyla had been somewhat aloof and distracted, until John finally confronted her about it and they learned that back in the lab they'd been kept in was another butterfly, the same as Teyla's species. Teyla thought she had known him before they'd both been captured.
And so, another daring rescue mission was launched. The human scientists were completely flummoxed when they came into the lab one morning and half their specimens were missing from their enclosures, with those remaining only seemingly remaining out of free will or apathy, since every single enclosure had been opened. It was a complete mystery. They'd found some especially odd tarantula hair all over the lab that couldn't be explained, as absolutely none of their specimens had been tarantulas, and this species wasn't indigenous to the area.
Teyla and Kanaan were almost disgustingly happy with each other, flapping around the wildflowers together all the time.
Rodney kept up with his work. He and that Czech physicist Zelenka had in particular developed a very close working relationship. Zelenka kept emailing Rodney recently demanding to meet him face-to-face. John said it was a good idea and Rodney should go for it. Rodney kept having to shut John up with sex.
One evening, as Rodney was poking out the last of his emails for the day, he heard John approaching him from behind. (He'd gotten a lot better, over time, at noticing when John was trying to sneak up on him.)
"I hear you," Rodney said. "You're not scaring me this time."
"Um, Rodney?" said John. "I think there's something here you need to look at."
"Right," said Rodney. "You're not distracting me that easily, either. I'm right in the middle of an email to Zelenka, and you know how hard you and I worked on that proof. So just wait a second, and then I'll be ready for flying and sex."
"Rodney," said John a bit more urgently, "I think you really need to come over here and look, right now."
Rodney exhaled with exasperation. "Fine," he said, turning around and striding over to John. "What is it? What's so important?" John pointed down at the ground, and Rodney looked down.
"Um, Teyla said it's called parthenogenesis," John said, while Rodney stared dumbly at the eggs. "I guess my species can reproduce asexually. So, um, say, how do you feel about starting a family? Supposedly they incubate for a couple of months, so we still have time to decide if we want to keep them or not." He shifted anxiously from three of his feet to the other three, and Rodney suddenly snapped out of his stupor.
"Well of course we're going to keep them!" Rodney said, glaring. "How can you even ask that? I swear, you're such an empty stick-head sometimes."
"Maybe," John said, "But I'm your stick-head."
"This is true," Rodney agreed, moving in to curl around him. Then he froze. "Oh fuck, I'm going to be a father."
"Relax." John petted Rodney with his forelimbs soothingly. "You'll always have me around to help. And I'll even help you find more errors with your proofs like that one from yesterday. You know, empty stick-head that I am."
"I knew there was some reason I put up with you," Rodney said fondly.
"Yeah," John returned, nestling deeply between Rodney's limbs.
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Post-script: This is more or less how I had Rodney, Ronon, John, and Teyla pictured in my mind while writing this, in case you were curious. ;p
Also, the title of this story refers to the old (false) myth that it's aerodynamically impossible for the bumblebee to fly, but the bee itself doesn't know that, so it flies anyway.