Fic: Bought and Paid For (Dex/McKay, Lorne/Zelenka, PG-13)
Title: Bought and Paid For
Author: breea1
Recipient: silkensky
Pairing: Ronon/Rodney, Evan/Radek
Disclaimer: Not mine
Rating: PG13
~*~*~*~
"This," said John Sheppard confidently, clapping his good buddy on the shoulder in a buck-up-pal kind of way, "Is going to work like a dream. Trust me."
Ronon Dex, clad in brand new leathers and his very best white billowy shirt did not look convinced and resisted the automatic urge to punch John in retaliation for the slap to his shoulder, questioned dryly, "When was the last time you went on a date?"
John scowled defensively. "Not the point." He stepped back and looked his much larger friend over with a gimlet eye. "Okay, I think you're set."
Looking down at his considerable frame, Ronon frowned. "I look nothing like a woman."
John stared, sighed and shook his head. "Ronon, buddy, I'm good but I'm not a miracle worker." He placed his hands on his hips and fixed his friend with a stern look, drawling, "And the whole point is to get as far away from being a woman as you can get, remember? We're bucking a trend here. Forging new roads. Exploring new frontiers."
Ronon frowned harder and muttered uneasily, "He thinks I'm a woman. That's what he's expecting." He looked down at himself again. "He's going to freak out."
"Also," interrupted Evan Lorne from the other side of the room, looking more than a little queasy in his own very best date outfit. "We're not Trekkies, sir."
"Shut up, Lorne." John replied amiably and stepped back to eye the other two men one last time before giving a final nod of satisfaction. "Okay, you're good to go." He checked his watch. "Move out."
"Also not going on maneuvers." Evan muttered, making absolutely no move towards the door and taking a certain petty satisfaction in the fact that Ronon Dex - ex-Runner and wraith-killer - was all but cowering against the wall and looking like he was going to fling himself out of the nearest window in a bid not to follow through on his team leader's orders. "Sir, this is a really dumb idea."
Looking highly affronted, John glared. "This is not a dumb idea. This is possibly the best idea I've ever had."
Ronon snorted bitterly. "There's not that much competition."
John glared at him fiercely and said, "And this is the only way to get you two clowns to stop pining like a couple of schoolgirls and actually start doing your jobs again!" He looked between his two friends pointedly. "This is it, guys. Take one for the team."
There was a frozen silence as all three men considered the various ways that statement could be interpreted.
John swallowed heavily. "Uh, forget I said that."
Looking even more queasy, Lorne nodded gratefully. "Consider it done, sir."
Glaring, Ronon muttered, "You got it."
"Right," John grinned brightly and tried to recapture the previous encouraging tone he had been aiming for. "Go get 'em, guys! Make me proud."
Evan and Ronon glowered at him darkly and Ronon promised sourly, "I'm going to shoot you for this."
John chose to take the high road and not respond to the threat and instead shepherded - no pun intended - his two men out the door of his quarters and then slapped at his headset the minute the door closed behind their reluctant persons. "Teyla, we have a go. Bring the kid and let's go bask in our genius." He paused, thought and then added, "And popcorn. We totally need popcorn too."
~*~*~*~
Ronon stood hesitating outside Rodney McKay's doorway and glowered at the panel in front of him, ruing the day he'd ever thought it was a good idea to listen to his other two team mates when they had offered their advice and help in obtaining the surprising object of his affections. Earth people were weird and he was pretty sure that basically buying and paying for the said object of his affections was not a good basis to build a lasting relationship on.
Stupid bachelor auction.
He had all but decided to turn on his heel and retreat - which absolutely did not constitute running away - when the door in front of his nose swished open and Rodney McKay barreled out of the opening, into his chest and then rebounded back into his room with a startled whoosh of air and some rather amusing flailing as he tried to keep his balance and not fall flat on his ass. Ronon's shoulders slumped and he frowned morosely to himself before reluctantly stepping into the room and allowing the door to close behind him - there went the running away option then.
"Oh my God," wheezed Rodney, clutching his chest and looking as panicked as Ronon would never admit to feeling. "What are you doing? You nearly gave me a heart attack." He flung up his hands, forestalling Ronon's answer. "Wait, you know what, I don't care. I have to get out of here!" He made for the door again, a determined look in his eye and a light sheen of nervous sweat to his skin. "Well, are you coming?"
Ronon stepped neatly in front of Rodney to block his way and crossed his arms over his chest, scowling menacingly. "Where do you think you're going?"
"Ronon," hissed Rodney, looking more and more worried and angry with each passing second. "Normally I would love to indulge you in one of your regular bouts of manly posturing and physical intimidation, but I really don't have the time right now so either you get out of my way and let me out of this room or I will shoot you down where you stand!"
Raising an eyebrow in an unimpressed way, Ronon stared his smaller friend down. "You think?" He cast an eye over Rodney's casual button down shirt and his jeans and snorted. "You're not even armed."
"I could be!" Rodney met Ronon scowl for scowl and shoved ineffectually at his chest. "Move out of the way, I have to go!"
Feeling a tight ball of anger begin in his chest, Ronon snarled, "Thought you had a date?" He glowered ferociously at Rodney. "You're just going to run and hide to get out of going."
"Of course not!" Rodney tugged and pushed at Ronon ineffectually, looking guilty and harassed and approaching a level of panic that normally only surfaced when wraith or imminent death by explosion was in the offing. Of course generally the two arrived together and that did seem to constitute about fifty percent of their working lives so Rodney had plenty of practice of performing under pressure. He wrapped both hands around one of Ronon's biceps, leaned back on his heels and pulled as hard as he could still continuing to talk. "I sent an email not ten minutes ago to that moronic auction site apologizing that an emergency had come up and that I would have to reschedule and that I was very sorry and that I'd be happy to offer my services to her in other ways if she felt that another date would not be warranted and I'm sure that will be more than satisfactory when she has some time to think about it. Will you move!"
Ronon stared down at him, rolled his eyes and allowed his legs to unbend a bit so that he was tugged at little off balance and Rodney got to feel like his physical actions were having some effect. "That's not going to work. You think maybe your mystery woman might actually want to date you?"
Rodney stopped yanking on his arm, looked absurdly pleased for a moment that he'd managed to shift his bigger friend and then snapped, "Have you met me? Trust me, I'm doing the woman a favor. Merely pre-empting the inevitable disappointment and tears and recriminations that will surely follow any prolonged exposure to me in a closed environment."
Sighing, Ronon switched on his internal McKay translating machine and eventually reached 'I cancelled because I panicked and I don't really feel like possibly being let down and hurt again when she realises that I really am that annoying'. He sighed again. "McKay, whoever it is likes you. Likes you enough to donate a whole rotation's worth of chocolate to the Athosian school just to spend some time with you. You could give her a shot."
"Ronon, please," said Rodney, shooting a hunted look at the door and missing completely the one of exasperated indulgence that Ronon gifted him with. "She could be here any minute to check up on me and make sure I'm telling the truth and I need to go and find someplace to hide until I know the coast is clear!"
Reluctantly amused despite himself, Ronon shook his arm free and forced a fearsome glower onto his face. "Where you heading?"
"I don't know," yelled Rodney, anguished. "Anywhere not here. Weren't you listening?"
Losing the reluctant part of the amused equation, Ronon made a decision, grabbed Rodney's arm and winked at him conspiratorially. "I know a place, come on."
~*~*~*~
Radek Zalenka was a gentleman, not a coward and didn't have any major emotional baggage to overcome which is why he was exactly where he said he would be when his mystery buyer arrived to pick him up for their blind date. He was also quite surprised to open the door to his quarters to find Evan Lorne standing outside and staring at him in a mixture of mild panic and tortured hope. "Major?" Radek leaned out of the door and looked up and down the corridor curiously. "Is everything alright? I am off duty at the moment if there is a problem, I am afraid." He pulled his head back in and looked the other man up and down and smiled apologetically. "I am already committed this evening to spending my time with someone else. Perhaps someone on my team might assist you?"
"Uh." Lorne croaked dryly. 'Yeah. Um, no. Not really." He waved a hand to indicate Radek's, for once, neatly combed hair and his casual black khakis and long sleeved blue t-shirt. "You look, uh, nice."
Radek's eyebrows lifted to his well-behaving hairline. "Thank you." He smiled uncertainly. "You too." There was a long silence before he continued, "You said that you wanted me?"
Lorne, flushed with sudden guilt, resolutely did not take the words in any other way than their face value and cursing his superior officer with every bone in his body, coughed uncomfortably. "Yeah." He felt the dark surge of colour that surged up his neck and over his face and wished profoundly that for just once the wraith would suddenly be detected on the edges of their sensor range and he could then reasonably escape what was rapidly turning into a nightmare situation of epic proportions, blurting, "It's me."
His eyebrows now making a spirited attempt to meet with the nape of his neck, Radek nodded slowly in agreement. "I see that, yes. Undoubtedly Major Lorne."
"No," said Evan miserably, resisting the urge to toe the ground and hang his head like a an especially inept teenaged suitor. "I mean it's me. That you're meeting." He gritted his teeth when Radek gaped at him in disbelief and concluded grimly, "I'm your date."
"Oh." said Radek faintly, completely at a loss. "Really? Are you sure?"
Deciding that he'd probably get away with it if he tried to shoot Sheppard in the leg or some other non fatal place the next time he saw the man, Evan nodded forlornly. "Pretty sure, yeah." He made himself look at the other man and took note of the wide eyes and darker than usual flush on his skin. "Sorry. You were probably expecting someone else."
Radek blinked at him. "Yes, I believe I was." He narrowed his eyes at Lorne's unhappy face and tilted his head for good measure to fully express his bewilderment and surprise. "You? Really?"
"Yeah." Lorne scowled. "It was Sheppard's idea."
For the first time Radek looked alarmed. "Colonel Sheppard?" His mouth twitched with sudden humour. "Oh dear. Perhaps you should come in." He smiled kindly and put a warm hand on Evan's arm to draw him forward, charitably ignoring the startled flinch. "I am thinking you could use a drink, yes?"
"Oh God yes." Lorne agreed fervently and allowed himself to be drawn inside Radek's rooms with barely another murmur.
~*~*~*~
Ronon, he had concluded to himself, really was some kind of an unsung genius and strategist. Not only had he managed to collect Rodney for his date - and neatly weasel out of not only getting stood up but revealing that he was the expected date in the first place - but he had also managed to get Rodney exactly where he wanted him and actually relaxed and reasonably happy within a very respectable small space of time.
Well, not exactly where he wanted him - Rodney was still clothed and not wrapped around Ronon in a shared bed - but still closer than he'd ever managed to get him before. He was counting it as a win. He grinned across at Rodney. "Good?"
"Mmm." Rodney sighed blissfully and stretched against the lounger he was seated on, staring up at the dark sky overhead. He waved the stacked beef and salad sandwich in his hand. "Amazing." He took another bite of his food and chewed with a reverent expression on his face. "Thanks."
"No problem." Ronon chewed reflectively at his own sandwich and shot Rodney a sideways look, smiling to himself at the contented look on the other man's face. "So how come you didn't want to go on this date thing? Sheppard said you seemed pretty excited."
Rodney spluttered indignantly and sat bolt upright from his previous relaxed sprawl, his beef sandwich suffering horribly as his fist clenched in fury. "Sheppard's a dirty, rotten liar! He tricked me into that moronic auction in the first place and the only reason I didn't try to find a way out of it was that I didn't seriously think it would go ahead and then it did and we were off world and by the time I got back there'd been a closed bid and I'd been sold off like some kind of...of...trophy and it was too late to do anything!"
Ronon raised an eyebrow. "Huh." He took another bite of his sandwich. "Tricked?"
"There was chocolate." Rodney said darkly, making the word sound synonymous with torture and the most base humiliations. "And cake. And that new technology he found when he went trading with Teyla last month. I was...distracted."
"Huh." said Ronon again, once more privately congratulating himself because the chocolate and the cake and the shiny new tech had all been his idea not trusting that Sheppard's wiles alone could finagle Rodney into prime dating position. "Sneaky."
"I know." Rodney replied, looking at once admiring, disgusted and morose. "I'm so humiliated. Outwitted by the hair."
Ronon grinned and then shifted restlessly, trying to think of a way to ask his next question without sending Rodney into a defensive rage. "You don't want a new woman? You and Keller broke up a long time ago now."
Rodney eyed him narrowly for a moment, thrown by the mention of the one subject they never discussed and then abruptly his shoulders sagged. "Oh. Right. I get it." He looked away, waving a hand dismissively. "Look, if you want to have another go at her then you have my blessing, alright? It was all very amicable and I'm sure if you asked her...."
"What?" Ronon did a very good job of looking absolutely horrified by the very prospect of rekindling his crush on Jennifer Keller. "No! I don't want Keller. Why would you say that?"
Rodney's head had snapped around at the sheer volume of Ronon's reply and he stared wide eyed through the dim light, trying to make out his friend's expression. "You don't?" He frowned at the sandwich in his hand and then back up at Ronon. "Oh. I thought when you brought her up then that was what you were angling after by coming and hiding out with me."
Ronon stared. "No." He stared some more and complained bitterly, "Your mind is a really weird place, McKay."
Taking the criticism on the chin - although from the look on his face it seemed to be more a compliment in his eyes - Rodney nodded in agreement. "I don't think like other people." His face screwed up in puzzlement. "Wait, so if you aren't out here for that then why are you out here?" He looked at the picnic basket that Ronon had rifled to get their food from and then at the two loungers they occupied. "Why is all this out here anyway? Did you have a date too?"
Like he'd just been hit by a wraith stunner Ronon tensed up and every muscle in his body locked in place. He stared at Rodney in pained silence and then muttered, "Finish your food." before savagely attacking the remnants of his own meal and steadfastly avoiding Rodney's increasingly suspicious eyes.
~*~*~*~
Radek and Evan sat silently on Radek's bed side by side and contemplated the tips of their boots. Evan was still gratefully clutching the glass of Atlantis moonshine that Radek had pressed on him when he had entered the room and every now and then he took a sip from it, shuddering top to toe each time at the strength and taste. "So," Radek finally broke the awkward tension between them. "It is really you that paid a great deal in coffee for my time."
Evan knocked back another swig and choked when it hit him a little harder than he bargained for. "Yeah." He coughed, trying to wipe away pained tears. "Surprise."
"It certainly is." Radek smiled and said dryly, "I did not expect that you would be this...open about your preferences. Or that Colonel Sheppard would be so supportive." His lips twitched in mirth again. "Do you feel he was a wise choice to act as advisor in this instance? Perhaps someone with a more...natural...aptitude for the situation would have been better."
Evan scowled down at the floor. "Yeah, I think I got saving my ass confused with getting some." He froze, stared in horror at the drink in his hand and then said slowly, "This stuff is a lot stronger than I thought." He risked a glimpse at Radek's now scarlet face and winced. "Sorry."
Clearing his throat, Radek got to his feet and made for the other side of the room, saying brightly, "Time for coffee I think, yes?"
~*~*~*~
"McKay!" roared Ronon, pounding on the door to Rodney's quarters with his fist and glowering ferociously at the two scientists further down the corridor that were staring at him with undisguised fascination. "McKay, open the door! MCKAY!"
"Go away!" Rodney bellowed back from the other side of the door, still sounding breathless from his sprint back to the transporters and from there to his quarters. "I don't even want to see you, you...you....deceiver!"
"McKay," Ronon growled, plastering himself up against the door and reminding himself he was trying to woo and not storm an enemy stronghold with extreme prejudice - and ignore the fact that the two scientists had now apparently been joined by another three and they were all muttering furiously into their headsets and calling their friends. "If you don't open this door, I swear by the Ancestors I'm going to...."
"Ronon?" The low voice from behind him had Ronon spinning in place to find Jennifer Keller watching him with a mixture of amusement and concern. "Is everything alright?"
"Yeah," said Ronon, managing to carry off calm indifference with remarkable aplomb considering the circumstances. "Why'd you ask?"
Jennifer blinked at him for a moment and then stared past him to Rodney's door and back again with a delicately raised eyebrow. "No reason." She crossed her arms over her chest and eyed him warily. "Are you and Rodney fighting again?"
"No." Ronon said brusquely. "Everything's fine."
"Yes!" yelled Rodney indignantly through the door. "He's lost his mind, call security!"
Jennifer raised her other eyebrow and suppressed the urge to smile outright at the shifty look on Ronon's handsome face. "Should I be worried?"
"No." growled Ronon even as Rodney yelled 'YES!' through the door. "We're fine."
"He's trying to seduce me." shouted Rodney, sounding appalled and terrified. "With sandwiches and picnics and Sheppard's help, that rat bastard!"
Ronon and Jennifer shared a frozen moment of silence when they stared into each other's eyes and then Jennifer watched in fascination as Ronon Dex - a man who, as far as she knew, never allowed himself to get shamed over anything - proceeded to blush like a schoolgirl. "Ronon?" she squeaked, fighting back an attack of embarrassed giggles. "Really?"
Ronon looked mortified and was struck dumb.
Jennifer, a good woman at heart and who wanted both her previous erstwhile suitors to find happiness - even if it appeared it was going to be with each other rather than herself - rolled her eyes and patted Ronon's granite hard shoulder consolingly. "Maybe this will help." She reached past him, flicked open the access panel beside Rodney's door and fiddled nimbly for a moment before making a sound of satisfaction and watching as the previously locked door slid open to reveal Rodney looking flushed and indignant on the other side. "Little trick Rodney showed me." She patted Ronon again. "Go get him, tiger."
Ronon, needing no further urging, shot inside the room and away from his growing audience to bear down on an alarmed looking Rodney.
"Betrayer!" shouted Rodney as he scrambled backwards and tried to dodge Ronon's grabbing hands. "You...you....betrayer!"
Jennifer smirked, slid the door shut again and turned to begin chivying the now quite large crowd that had gathered away from Rodney's door where outraged shrieks could now be heard. "I can live with that."
~*~*~*~
Evan clutched his cup of coffee just as fervently as he had clutched his ill-fated moonshine. "Sorry," he said as he stared miserably into the steaming depths. "I'm really sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. You're not just a piece of ass."
Radek, seated safely behind his computer desk and watching Lorne with a look of wary curiosity on his face, nodded slowly. "I am very glad to hear it."
"Oh, hey, I didn't mean...." Evan clapped a hand over his eyes and muttered mournfully, "I suck at this. I mean, you're not a piece of ass at all. I mean that's not how I see you. This. Us." He took his hand away from his face and looked at Radek with a hangdog expression. "This is going really badly isn't it?"
Radek's lips twitched in agreement. "It is not going well, no." He smiled at Evan when he winced and looked away and questioned hesitantly, "Is this why you felt the need to trick me and to enlist the help of Colonel Sheppard, because you are not so confident when it comes to these situations? You prefer the guns and bombs, yes?"
"Oh my God, yes." said Lorne, fervently. "You have no idea." He sighed. "And I didn't mean to trick you, I just....wanted a chance."
"Oh." Radek eyed the other man for a moment, taking in the dejected line of his shoulders and the unhappy line to his mouth, and said, "You did not think I would listen to you with an open mind otherwise?"
Evan shrugged. "I'm a guy. I'm military." He heaved a frustrated breath and got to his feet, placing his empty coffee cup on the floor and turning for the door. "Look, this was stupid and a mistake and I'm...."
"Major Lorne!" Radek got up himself and dodged around his desk to catch Evan's arm and pull him to a halt. "Evan, wait." He smiled shyly when Evan looked at him hesitantly and said, "I am very flattered that you would do this for me. Truly. It is the nicest thing that has been done on my behalf for a very long time."
Evan wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. Although he thought he was prepared for a brush off it still hurt like hell to actually get one and he couldn't help the stain of humiliated colour rising in his cheeks or the sharp way he yanked his arm from Radek's grip. "But you're not interested. I get it, doc, sorry to waste your evening. I'll get out of your hair."
"No!" Radek grabbed for his arm again, his face now just as red as Evan's. "I did not say that!" He smiled worriedly when Evan stared at him incredulously and said, "Just, perhaps next time, you might be as well to ask rather than go to such lengths to spend time with someone. You are a nice man, I cannot imagine many would say no to you."
Evan frowned and said slowly, "Someone or you specifically?"
So flushed he was almost puce, Radek smiled. "Me. Specifically. I would very much like to get to know you better, Evan."
"Oh." Evan blinked, surprised, and then said again, "Oh." He grinned and it lit his entire face. "That's great. That's really...great."
Radek took a step closer and smiled into Evan's eyes. "But I think from now on we do not take any more advice from Colonel Sheppard, no?"
Evan smiled back and nodded in firm agreement. "You got it, doc."
~*~*~*~
Rodney had finally been cornered at the wall by the door leading out to his balcony and was standing pressed against it and staring at Ronon with a horrified expression on his face. "You're under the influence of something!"
"McKay, I am not under the influence of anything." growled Ronon, wishing profoundly that he was. "You're being dumb. Get over here."
"I will not," hissed Rodney, scandalized. "Just how easy do you think I am?"
Ronon, seated on Rodney's bed and looking impatient and annoyed in equal measure said, "McKay, you agreed to go on a blind date with someone when you were distracted by chocolate."
"Yes, and look what happened!" said Rodney, waving one hand wildly in Ronon's direction. "I ended up on a date with you. A secret date!"
Ronon scowled. "I knew you'd have problems with me being a man."
Rodney's jaw fell open. "You think?"
Sighing heavily, Ronon leaned his elbows on his spread thighs and snarled in the direction of the floor, "I just like you, okay? A lot. And Sheppard and Teyla thought you might like me too, but we figured that if I said anything to you in a normal way then you get all stupid about it and you wouldn't listen to me and...." He shrugged tightly. "My ambushes usually work a lot better than this."
Rodney glared. "I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that."
His mouth quirking in a grin, Ronon shot a look up at his friend and was relieved to see that he didn't look quite so freaked and intimidated anymore. "We good? We're going to get past this, right?"
Blinking uncertainly, Rodney said slowly, "I don't know. This is very weird." He frowned when Ronon didn't quite manage to hide a wince and looked away from him and took a step towards his friend. "Look, I'm sorry, I don't know what you want me to say. I thought that you were joking when you said outside that you were my date and then when you said that Sheppard had helped you I was absolutely convinced that this was all an elaborate joke at my expense and now I'm not so sure and...."
Ronon stood up and cut off Rodney's anxious flood of words, scowling ominously. "I wouldn't do something like that. I would never play with you like that. Neither would Sheppard."
Rodney's back hit the wall again. "Right! Okay! Got it!"
Ronon continued to glare for another moment before his expression softened. "I like you, McKay. A lot. I can be myself with you." He shoved his hands into his pants pockets and hunched his shoulders, staring at the floor. "And before you found out we were on a date and freaked out then you were pretty relaxed with me too, right? I just thought that we could be like that, but all the time."
Looking utterly surprised for a moment, Rodney took a hesitant step away from the wall. "Oh." He frowned to himself. "I suppose when you put it like that it makes a certain kind of primitive sense." He ignored the heated glare from Ronon and took another step towards his friend, murmuring almost to himself, "And we already know the worst of each other so it's not like you're going to start being all weird about me working or ignoring you or anything."
Ronon, sensing the tide was possibly turning in his favour, wisely kept his mouth shut on just how very much he wasn't going to let himself be ignored in favour of Rodney's work if the other man gave him in a chance. He watched his smaller friend edge closer, trying to suppress a shiver of expectation at the speculative look in Rodney's eyes.
"And you're," Rodney waved a hand again. "Y'know. Attractive. I suppose."
Ronon glared and resisted the urge to smack Rodney around the side of his doubtful head.
Suddenly flushing scarlet, Rodney muttered uncomfortably, "Only I've never actually...." He broke off, flashed Ronon a mortified look and said in a rush, "I've never actually been with a man. I'm not really sure....oh." He stopped talking when Ronon cupped his jaw in one hand and brushed his lips over Rodney's. "Oh. That was different."
Ronon gently tugged him closer, wrapping one hand around Rodney's waist and tilting an eyebrow at him. "Good different or bad different?"
Rodney moved experimentally in Ronon's loose embrace and said with slow honesty, "I'm not sure." He eyed Ronon's beard doubtfully. "There's a lot of different things to get used to in a very short space of time." He looked up and met Ronon's gaze warily. "I'm not saying no, I'm just saying....maybe. I'm willing to try. Is that enough?"
Ronon's smile was blinding. "Yeah. I can work with that." He bent his head and took Rodney's mouth again, feeling a ball of happy warmth unfurl in his gut when the other man - after an initial moment of stiff hesitation - relaxed against him and returned his kiss. "You won't regret this."
Still looking somewhat confused and lost at the unexpected turn his evening had taken, Rodney leaned a little more against Ronon and muttered, "No, I don't think I will." He scowled against his teammates surprisingly comforting shoulder and promised himself darkly, "But I can guarantee you Sheppard will be."
~*~*~*~
The End.
Author: breea1
Recipient: silkensky
Pairing: Ronon/Rodney, Evan/Radek
Disclaimer: Not mine
Rating: PG13
~*~*~*~
"This," said John Sheppard confidently, clapping his good buddy on the shoulder in a buck-up-pal kind of way, "Is going to work like a dream. Trust me."
Ronon Dex, clad in brand new leathers and his very best white billowy shirt did not look convinced and resisted the automatic urge to punch John in retaliation for the slap to his shoulder, questioned dryly, "When was the last time you went on a date?"
John scowled defensively. "Not the point." He stepped back and looked his much larger friend over with a gimlet eye. "Okay, I think you're set."
Looking down at his considerable frame, Ronon frowned. "I look nothing like a woman."
John stared, sighed and shook his head. "Ronon, buddy, I'm good but I'm not a miracle worker." He placed his hands on his hips and fixed his friend with a stern look, drawling, "And the whole point is to get as far away from being a woman as you can get, remember? We're bucking a trend here. Forging new roads. Exploring new frontiers."
Ronon frowned harder and muttered uneasily, "He thinks I'm a woman. That's what he's expecting." He looked down at himself again. "He's going to freak out."
"Also," interrupted Evan Lorne from the other side of the room, looking more than a little queasy in his own very best date outfit. "We're not Trekkies, sir."
"Shut up, Lorne." John replied amiably and stepped back to eye the other two men one last time before giving a final nod of satisfaction. "Okay, you're good to go." He checked his watch. "Move out."
"Also not going on maneuvers." Evan muttered, making absolutely no move towards the door and taking a certain petty satisfaction in the fact that Ronon Dex - ex-Runner and wraith-killer - was all but cowering against the wall and looking like he was going to fling himself out of the nearest window in a bid not to follow through on his team leader's orders. "Sir, this is a really dumb idea."
Looking highly affronted, John glared. "This is not a dumb idea. This is possibly the best idea I've ever had."
Ronon snorted bitterly. "There's not that much competition."
John glared at him fiercely and said, "And this is the only way to get you two clowns to stop pining like a couple of schoolgirls and actually start doing your jobs again!" He looked between his two friends pointedly. "This is it, guys. Take one for the team."
There was a frozen silence as all three men considered the various ways that statement could be interpreted.
John swallowed heavily. "Uh, forget I said that."
Looking even more queasy, Lorne nodded gratefully. "Consider it done, sir."
Glaring, Ronon muttered, "You got it."
"Right," John grinned brightly and tried to recapture the previous encouraging tone he had been aiming for. "Go get 'em, guys! Make me proud."
Evan and Ronon glowered at him darkly and Ronon promised sourly, "I'm going to shoot you for this."
John chose to take the high road and not respond to the threat and instead shepherded - no pun intended - his two men out the door of his quarters and then slapped at his headset the minute the door closed behind their reluctant persons. "Teyla, we have a go. Bring the kid and let's go bask in our genius." He paused, thought and then added, "And popcorn. We totally need popcorn too."
~*~*~*~
Ronon stood hesitating outside Rodney McKay's doorway and glowered at the panel in front of him, ruing the day he'd ever thought it was a good idea to listen to his other two team mates when they had offered their advice and help in obtaining the surprising object of his affections. Earth people were weird and he was pretty sure that basically buying and paying for the said object of his affections was not a good basis to build a lasting relationship on.
Stupid bachelor auction.
He had all but decided to turn on his heel and retreat - which absolutely did not constitute running away - when the door in front of his nose swished open and Rodney McKay barreled out of the opening, into his chest and then rebounded back into his room with a startled whoosh of air and some rather amusing flailing as he tried to keep his balance and not fall flat on his ass. Ronon's shoulders slumped and he frowned morosely to himself before reluctantly stepping into the room and allowing the door to close behind him - there went the running away option then.
"Oh my God," wheezed Rodney, clutching his chest and looking as panicked as Ronon would never admit to feeling. "What are you doing? You nearly gave me a heart attack." He flung up his hands, forestalling Ronon's answer. "Wait, you know what, I don't care. I have to get out of here!" He made for the door again, a determined look in his eye and a light sheen of nervous sweat to his skin. "Well, are you coming?"
Ronon stepped neatly in front of Rodney to block his way and crossed his arms over his chest, scowling menacingly. "Where do you think you're going?"
"Ronon," hissed Rodney, looking more and more worried and angry with each passing second. "Normally I would love to indulge you in one of your regular bouts of manly posturing and physical intimidation, but I really don't have the time right now so either you get out of my way and let me out of this room or I will shoot you down where you stand!"
Raising an eyebrow in an unimpressed way, Ronon stared his smaller friend down. "You think?" He cast an eye over Rodney's casual button down shirt and his jeans and snorted. "You're not even armed."
"I could be!" Rodney met Ronon scowl for scowl and shoved ineffectually at his chest. "Move out of the way, I have to go!"
Feeling a tight ball of anger begin in his chest, Ronon snarled, "Thought you had a date?" He glowered ferociously at Rodney. "You're just going to run and hide to get out of going."
"Of course not!" Rodney tugged and pushed at Ronon ineffectually, looking guilty and harassed and approaching a level of panic that normally only surfaced when wraith or imminent death by explosion was in the offing. Of course generally the two arrived together and that did seem to constitute about fifty percent of their working lives so Rodney had plenty of practice of performing under pressure. He wrapped both hands around one of Ronon's biceps, leaned back on his heels and pulled as hard as he could still continuing to talk. "I sent an email not ten minutes ago to that moronic auction site apologizing that an emergency had come up and that I would have to reschedule and that I was very sorry and that I'd be happy to offer my services to her in other ways if she felt that another date would not be warranted and I'm sure that will be more than satisfactory when she has some time to think about it. Will you move!"
Ronon stared down at him, rolled his eyes and allowed his legs to unbend a bit so that he was tugged at little off balance and Rodney got to feel like his physical actions were having some effect. "That's not going to work. You think maybe your mystery woman might actually want to date you?"
Rodney stopped yanking on his arm, looked absurdly pleased for a moment that he'd managed to shift his bigger friend and then snapped, "Have you met me? Trust me, I'm doing the woman a favor. Merely pre-empting the inevitable disappointment and tears and recriminations that will surely follow any prolonged exposure to me in a closed environment."
Sighing, Ronon switched on his internal McKay translating machine and eventually reached 'I cancelled because I panicked and I don't really feel like possibly being let down and hurt again when she realises that I really am that annoying'. He sighed again. "McKay, whoever it is likes you. Likes you enough to donate a whole rotation's worth of chocolate to the Athosian school just to spend some time with you. You could give her a shot."
"Ronon, please," said Rodney, shooting a hunted look at the door and missing completely the one of exasperated indulgence that Ronon gifted him with. "She could be here any minute to check up on me and make sure I'm telling the truth and I need to go and find someplace to hide until I know the coast is clear!"
Reluctantly amused despite himself, Ronon shook his arm free and forced a fearsome glower onto his face. "Where you heading?"
"I don't know," yelled Rodney, anguished. "Anywhere not here. Weren't you listening?"
Losing the reluctant part of the amused equation, Ronon made a decision, grabbed Rodney's arm and winked at him conspiratorially. "I know a place, come on."
~*~*~*~
Radek Zalenka was a gentleman, not a coward and didn't have any major emotional baggage to overcome which is why he was exactly where he said he would be when his mystery buyer arrived to pick him up for their blind date. He was also quite surprised to open the door to his quarters to find Evan Lorne standing outside and staring at him in a mixture of mild panic and tortured hope. "Major?" Radek leaned out of the door and looked up and down the corridor curiously. "Is everything alright? I am off duty at the moment if there is a problem, I am afraid." He pulled his head back in and looked the other man up and down and smiled apologetically. "I am already committed this evening to spending my time with someone else. Perhaps someone on my team might assist you?"
"Uh." Lorne croaked dryly. 'Yeah. Um, no. Not really." He waved a hand to indicate Radek's, for once, neatly combed hair and his casual black khakis and long sleeved blue t-shirt. "You look, uh, nice."
Radek's eyebrows lifted to his well-behaving hairline. "Thank you." He smiled uncertainly. "You too." There was a long silence before he continued, "You said that you wanted me?"
Lorne, flushed with sudden guilt, resolutely did not take the words in any other way than their face value and cursing his superior officer with every bone in his body, coughed uncomfortably. "Yeah." He felt the dark surge of colour that surged up his neck and over his face and wished profoundly that for just once the wraith would suddenly be detected on the edges of their sensor range and he could then reasonably escape what was rapidly turning into a nightmare situation of epic proportions, blurting, "It's me."
His eyebrows now making a spirited attempt to meet with the nape of his neck, Radek nodded slowly in agreement. "I see that, yes. Undoubtedly Major Lorne."
"No," said Evan miserably, resisting the urge to toe the ground and hang his head like a an especially inept teenaged suitor. "I mean it's me. That you're meeting." He gritted his teeth when Radek gaped at him in disbelief and concluded grimly, "I'm your date."
"Oh." said Radek faintly, completely at a loss. "Really? Are you sure?"
Deciding that he'd probably get away with it if he tried to shoot Sheppard in the leg or some other non fatal place the next time he saw the man, Evan nodded forlornly. "Pretty sure, yeah." He made himself look at the other man and took note of the wide eyes and darker than usual flush on his skin. "Sorry. You were probably expecting someone else."
Radek blinked at him. "Yes, I believe I was." He narrowed his eyes at Lorne's unhappy face and tilted his head for good measure to fully express his bewilderment and surprise. "You? Really?"
"Yeah." Lorne scowled. "It was Sheppard's idea."
For the first time Radek looked alarmed. "Colonel Sheppard?" His mouth twitched with sudden humour. "Oh dear. Perhaps you should come in." He smiled kindly and put a warm hand on Evan's arm to draw him forward, charitably ignoring the startled flinch. "I am thinking you could use a drink, yes?"
"Oh God yes." Lorne agreed fervently and allowed himself to be drawn inside Radek's rooms with barely another murmur.
~*~*~*~
Ronon, he had concluded to himself, really was some kind of an unsung genius and strategist. Not only had he managed to collect Rodney for his date - and neatly weasel out of not only getting stood up but revealing that he was the expected date in the first place - but he had also managed to get Rodney exactly where he wanted him and actually relaxed and reasonably happy within a very respectable small space of time.
Well, not exactly where he wanted him - Rodney was still clothed and not wrapped around Ronon in a shared bed - but still closer than he'd ever managed to get him before. He was counting it as a win. He grinned across at Rodney. "Good?"
"Mmm." Rodney sighed blissfully and stretched against the lounger he was seated on, staring up at the dark sky overhead. He waved the stacked beef and salad sandwich in his hand. "Amazing." He took another bite of his food and chewed with a reverent expression on his face. "Thanks."
"No problem." Ronon chewed reflectively at his own sandwich and shot Rodney a sideways look, smiling to himself at the contented look on the other man's face. "So how come you didn't want to go on this date thing? Sheppard said you seemed pretty excited."
Rodney spluttered indignantly and sat bolt upright from his previous relaxed sprawl, his beef sandwich suffering horribly as his fist clenched in fury. "Sheppard's a dirty, rotten liar! He tricked me into that moronic auction in the first place and the only reason I didn't try to find a way out of it was that I didn't seriously think it would go ahead and then it did and we were off world and by the time I got back there'd been a closed bid and I'd been sold off like some kind of...of...trophy and it was too late to do anything!"
Ronon raised an eyebrow. "Huh." He took another bite of his sandwich. "Tricked?"
"There was chocolate." Rodney said darkly, making the word sound synonymous with torture and the most base humiliations. "And cake. And that new technology he found when he went trading with Teyla last month. I was...distracted."
"Huh." said Ronon again, once more privately congratulating himself because the chocolate and the cake and the shiny new tech had all been his idea not trusting that Sheppard's wiles alone could finagle Rodney into prime dating position. "Sneaky."
"I know." Rodney replied, looking at once admiring, disgusted and morose. "I'm so humiliated. Outwitted by the hair."
Ronon grinned and then shifted restlessly, trying to think of a way to ask his next question without sending Rodney into a defensive rage. "You don't want a new woman? You and Keller broke up a long time ago now."
Rodney eyed him narrowly for a moment, thrown by the mention of the one subject they never discussed and then abruptly his shoulders sagged. "Oh. Right. I get it." He looked away, waving a hand dismissively. "Look, if you want to have another go at her then you have my blessing, alright? It was all very amicable and I'm sure if you asked her...."
"What?" Ronon did a very good job of looking absolutely horrified by the very prospect of rekindling his crush on Jennifer Keller. "No! I don't want Keller. Why would you say that?"
Rodney's head had snapped around at the sheer volume of Ronon's reply and he stared wide eyed through the dim light, trying to make out his friend's expression. "You don't?" He frowned at the sandwich in his hand and then back up at Ronon. "Oh. I thought when you brought her up then that was what you were angling after by coming and hiding out with me."
Ronon stared. "No." He stared some more and complained bitterly, "Your mind is a really weird place, McKay."
Taking the criticism on the chin - although from the look on his face it seemed to be more a compliment in his eyes - Rodney nodded in agreement. "I don't think like other people." His face screwed up in puzzlement. "Wait, so if you aren't out here for that then why are you out here?" He looked at the picnic basket that Ronon had rifled to get their food from and then at the two loungers they occupied. "Why is all this out here anyway? Did you have a date too?"
Like he'd just been hit by a wraith stunner Ronon tensed up and every muscle in his body locked in place. He stared at Rodney in pained silence and then muttered, "Finish your food." before savagely attacking the remnants of his own meal and steadfastly avoiding Rodney's increasingly suspicious eyes.
~*~*~*~
Radek and Evan sat silently on Radek's bed side by side and contemplated the tips of their boots. Evan was still gratefully clutching the glass of Atlantis moonshine that Radek had pressed on him when he had entered the room and every now and then he took a sip from it, shuddering top to toe each time at the strength and taste. "So," Radek finally broke the awkward tension between them. "It is really you that paid a great deal in coffee for my time."
Evan knocked back another swig and choked when it hit him a little harder than he bargained for. "Yeah." He coughed, trying to wipe away pained tears. "Surprise."
"It certainly is." Radek smiled and said dryly, "I did not expect that you would be this...open about your preferences. Or that Colonel Sheppard would be so supportive." His lips twitched in mirth again. "Do you feel he was a wise choice to act as advisor in this instance? Perhaps someone with a more...natural...aptitude for the situation would have been better."
Evan scowled down at the floor. "Yeah, I think I got saving my ass confused with getting some." He froze, stared in horror at the drink in his hand and then said slowly, "This stuff is a lot stronger than I thought." He risked a glimpse at Radek's now scarlet face and winced. "Sorry."
Clearing his throat, Radek got to his feet and made for the other side of the room, saying brightly, "Time for coffee I think, yes?"
~*~*~*~
"McKay!" roared Ronon, pounding on the door to Rodney's quarters with his fist and glowering ferociously at the two scientists further down the corridor that were staring at him with undisguised fascination. "McKay, open the door! MCKAY!"
"Go away!" Rodney bellowed back from the other side of the door, still sounding breathless from his sprint back to the transporters and from there to his quarters. "I don't even want to see you, you...you....deceiver!"
"McKay," Ronon growled, plastering himself up against the door and reminding himself he was trying to woo and not storm an enemy stronghold with extreme prejudice - and ignore the fact that the two scientists had now apparently been joined by another three and they were all muttering furiously into their headsets and calling their friends. "If you don't open this door, I swear by the Ancestors I'm going to...."
"Ronon?" The low voice from behind him had Ronon spinning in place to find Jennifer Keller watching him with a mixture of amusement and concern. "Is everything alright?"
"Yeah," said Ronon, managing to carry off calm indifference with remarkable aplomb considering the circumstances. "Why'd you ask?"
Jennifer blinked at him for a moment and then stared past him to Rodney's door and back again with a delicately raised eyebrow. "No reason." She crossed her arms over her chest and eyed him warily. "Are you and Rodney fighting again?"
"No." Ronon said brusquely. "Everything's fine."
"Yes!" yelled Rodney indignantly through the door. "He's lost his mind, call security!"
Jennifer raised her other eyebrow and suppressed the urge to smile outright at the shifty look on Ronon's handsome face. "Should I be worried?"
"No." growled Ronon even as Rodney yelled 'YES!' through the door. "We're fine."
"He's trying to seduce me." shouted Rodney, sounding appalled and terrified. "With sandwiches and picnics and Sheppard's help, that rat bastard!"
Ronon and Jennifer shared a frozen moment of silence when they stared into each other's eyes and then Jennifer watched in fascination as Ronon Dex - a man who, as far as she knew, never allowed himself to get shamed over anything - proceeded to blush like a schoolgirl. "Ronon?" she squeaked, fighting back an attack of embarrassed giggles. "Really?"
Ronon looked mortified and was struck dumb.
Jennifer, a good woman at heart and who wanted both her previous erstwhile suitors to find happiness - even if it appeared it was going to be with each other rather than herself - rolled her eyes and patted Ronon's granite hard shoulder consolingly. "Maybe this will help." She reached past him, flicked open the access panel beside Rodney's door and fiddled nimbly for a moment before making a sound of satisfaction and watching as the previously locked door slid open to reveal Rodney looking flushed and indignant on the other side. "Little trick Rodney showed me." She patted Ronon again. "Go get him, tiger."
Ronon, needing no further urging, shot inside the room and away from his growing audience to bear down on an alarmed looking Rodney.
"Betrayer!" shouted Rodney as he scrambled backwards and tried to dodge Ronon's grabbing hands. "You...you....betrayer!"
Jennifer smirked, slid the door shut again and turned to begin chivying the now quite large crowd that had gathered away from Rodney's door where outraged shrieks could now be heard. "I can live with that."
~*~*~*~
Evan clutched his cup of coffee just as fervently as he had clutched his ill-fated moonshine. "Sorry," he said as he stared miserably into the steaming depths. "I'm really sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. You're not just a piece of ass."
Radek, seated safely behind his computer desk and watching Lorne with a look of wary curiosity on his face, nodded slowly. "I am very glad to hear it."
"Oh, hey, I didn't mean...." Evan clapped a hand over his eyes and muttered mournfully, "I suck at this. I mean, you're not a piece of ass at all. I mean that's not how I see you. This. Us." He took his hand away from his face and looked at Radek with a hangdog expression. "This is going really badly isn't it?"
Radek's lips twitched in agreement. "It is not going well, no." He smiled at Evan when he winced and looked away and questioned hesitantly, "Is this why you felt the need to trick me and to enlist the help of Colonel Sheppard, because you are not so confident when it comes to these situations? You prefer the guns and bombs, yes?"
"Oh my God, yes." said Lorne, fervently. "You have no idea." He sighed. "And I didn't mean to trick you, I just....wanted a chance."
"Oh." Radek eyed the other man for a moment, taking in the dejected line of his shoulders and the unhappy line to his mouth, and said, "You did not think I would listen to you with an open mind otherwise?"
Evan shrugged. "I'm a guy. I'm military." He heaved a frustrated breath and got to his feet, placing his empty coffee cup on the floor and turning for the door. "Look, this was stupid and a mistake and I'm...."
"Major Lorne!" Radek got up himself and dodged around his desk to catch Evan's arm and pull him to a halt. "Evan, wait." He smiled shyly when Evan looked at him hesitantly and said, "I am very flattered that you would do this for me. Truly. It is the nicest thing that has been done on my behalf for a very long time."
Evan wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. Although he thought he was prepared for a brush off it still hurt like hell to actually get one and he couldn't help the stain of humiliated colour rising in his cheeks or the sharp way he yanked his arm from Radek's grip. "But you're not interested. I get it, doc, sorry to waste your evening. I'll get out of your hair."
"No!" Radek grabbed for his arm again, his face now just as red as Evan's. "I did not say that!" He smiled worriedly when Evan stared at him incredulously and said, "Just, perhaps next time, you might be as well to ask rather than go to such lengths to spend time with someone. You are a nice man, I cannot imagine many would say no to you."
Evan frowned and said slowly, "Someone or you specifically?"
So flushed he was almost puce, Radek smiled. "Me. Specifically. I would very much like to get to know you better, Evan."
"Oh." Evan blinked, surprised, and then said again, "Oh." He grinned and it lit his entire face. "That's great. That's really...great."
Radek took a step closer and smiled into Evan's eyes. "But I think from now on we do not take any more advice from Colonel Sheppard, no?"
Evan smiled back and nodded in firm agreement. "You got it, doc."
~*~*~*~
Rodney had finally been cornered at the wall by the door leading out to his balcony and was standing pressed against it and staring at Ronon with a horrified expression on his face. "You're under the influence of something!"
"McKay, I am not under the influence of anything." growled Ronon, wishing profoundly that he was. "You're being dumb. Get over here."
"I will not," hissed Rodney, scandalized. "Just how easy do you think I am?"
Ronon, seated on Rodney's bed and looking impatient and annoyed in equal measure said, "McKay, you agreed to go on a blind date with someone when you were distracted by chocolate."
"Yes, and look what happened!" said Rodney, waving one hand wildly in Ronon's direction. "I ended up on a date with you. A secret date!"
Ronon scowled. "I knew you'd have problems with me being a man."
Rodney's jaw fell open. "You think?"
Sighing heavily, Ronon leaned his elbows on his spread thighs and snarled in the direction of the floor, "I just like you, okay? A lot. And Sheppard and Teyla thought you might like me too, but we figured that if I said anything to you in a normal way then you get all stupid about it and you wouldn't listen to me and...." He shrugged tightly. "My ambushes usually work a lot better than this."
Rodney glared. "I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that."
His mouth quirking in a grin, Ronon shot a look up at his friend and was relieved to see that he didn't look quite so freaked and intimidated anymore. "We good? We're going to get past this, right?"
Blinking uncertainly, Rodney said slowly, "I don't know. This is very weird." He frowned when Ronon didn't quite manage to hide a wince and looked away from him and took a step towards his friend. "Look, I'm sorry, I don't know what you want me to say. I thought that you were joking when you said outside that you were my date and then when you said that Sheppard had helped you I was absolutely convinced that this was all an elaborate joke at my expense and now I'm not so sure and...."
Ronon stood up and cut off Rodney's anxious flood of words, scowling ominously. "I wouldn't do something like that. I would never play with you like that. Neither would Sheppard."
Rodney's back hit the wall again. "Right! Okay! Got it!"
Ronon continued to glare for another moment before his expression softened. "I like you, McKay. A lot. I can be myself with you." He shoved his hands into his pants pockets and hunched his shoulders, staring at the floor. "And before you found out we were on a date and freaked out then you were pretty relaxed with me too, right? I just thought that we could be like that, but all the time."
Looking utterly surprised for a moment, Rodney took a hesitant step away from the wall. "Oh." He frowned to himself. "I suppose when you put it like that it makes a certain kind of primitive sense." He ignored the heated glare from Ronon and took another step towards his friend, murmuring almost to himself, "And we already know the worst of each other so it's not like you're going to start being all weird about me working or ignoring you or anything."
Ronon, sensing the tide was possibly turning in his favour, wisely kept his mouth shut on just how very much he wasn't going to let himself be ignored in favour of Rodney's work if the other man gave him in a chance. He watched his smaller friend edge closer, trying to suppress a shiver of expectation at the speculative look in Rodney's eyes.
"And you're," Rodney waved a hand again. "Y'know. Attractive. I suppose."
Ronon glared and resisted the urge to smack Rodney around the side of his doubtful head.
Suddenly flushing scarlet, Rodney muttered uncomfortably, "Only I've never actually...." He broke off, flashed Ronon a mortified look and said in a rush, "I've never actually been with a man. I'm not really sure....oh." He stopped talking when Ronon cupped his jaw in one hand and brushed his lips over Rodney's. "Oh. That was different."
Ronon gently tugged him closer, wrapping one hand around Rodney's waist and tilting an eyebrow at him. "Good different or bad different?"
Rodney moved experimentally in Ronon's loose embrace and said with slow honesty, "I'm not sure." He eyed Ronon's beard doubtfully. "There's a lot of different things to get used to in a very short space of time." He looked up and met Ronon's gaze warily. "I'm not saying no, I'm just saying....maybe. I'm willing to try. Is that enough?"
Ronon's smile was blinding. "Yeah. I can work with that." He bent his head and took Rodney's mouth again, feeling a ball of happy warmth unfurl in his gut when the other man - after an initial moment of stiff hesitation - relaxed against him and returned his kiss. "You won't regret this."
Still looking somewhat confused and lost at the unexpected turn his evening had taken, Rodney leaned a little more against Ronon and muttered, "No, I don't think I will." He scowled against his teammates surprisingly comforting shoulder and promised himself darkly, "But I can guarantee you Sheppard will be."
~*~*~*~
The End.