Fic: An Optimal Relationship (Carter/Keller, PG13)
Title: An Optimal Relationship
Author: mandykaysfic
Recipient: rysler
Pairing: Carter/Keller (brief mention of Sam's past relationships)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Thanks to the owners of the characters and writers of the various episodes referred to herein for providing inspiration for this work of fanfic.
Author's Notes: Thanks to mific for some very useful suggestions.
Summary: Sam and Jennifer used to spend time together on Atlantis. Now Atlantis is on Earth, they catch up again.
---
"So, body swap, huh?" Sam gave Jennifer a questioning look. Back on Earth, they'd resumed spending some of their evenings together. On Atlantis, it had been at least weekly when circumstances allowed. They'd had one catch-up session already, hitting the highlights that had been covered in mission reports and personal letters. Now it was time to share all the gory details.
"Yes. Did that ever happen to you?"
"Not me personally, no, although did I ever tell you about Ma'chello's device?" Sam had a way with words when she chose, and her sanitized recounting of that particular episode, complete with impersonations, had both women in fits of laughter.
Jennifer's smile turned to a frown as she recalled the last few minutes in Neeva's body when she thought she would die. "My experience wasn't so much fun. She was fit, though. All that running from the authorities, I suppose. Every time something happens, I tell myself I need to work out more, but then there's another crisis and I never seem to get out of the Infirmary." She prodded her abdomen, then gave her hips a thoughtful pinch. "I have definitely got to work out more. Or stop the muffins."
"Oh, I don't think you have to go that far. You look okay to me. No signs of any remaining tentacles either."
Jennifer couldn't stop the shudder that rippled through her and she downed the remainder of her drink in a hurry.
"Sorry," said Sam. "I didn't mean to upset you."
"I'm not upset. Not anymore. Compulsory counseling, you know."
Sam did know; she'd been to more post-mission counseling sessions than she could remember.
"Not that it was a lot of help," Jennifer continued. "Frazer was still pretty new then, and their training doesn't exactly prepare them to deal with someone who has undergone an alien transformation. I really wish you had been there. The whole experience made Alien seem more like a kids' movie, which somehow doesn't scare me anywhere nearly as much now. I had these things growing out of me. Woolsey was so new and not used to handling it any other way than by the book."
"You had Rodney and the others. Carson, even."
"Carson was supposed to be returning here. I was lucky they let him stay. I don't think I'd have survived otherwise. I'd have been some big, horrible Wraith ship by now. I wanted you."
"Not Rodney? I thought from your letters the two of you had become close."
"Not that close. Good friends, yes, but nothing more. You and I - we were closer."
"Oh, Jen." Sam pulled her close and hugged her. "I'm sorry. My time on Atlantis gave me a whole new appreciation for Rodney. He really surprised me. I said it then and I'll say it again." Wanting to see Jennifer smile again, she asked, "Who would you rather?" Objective achieved, she thought smugly as Jennifer sat back and gave a shaky laugh.
"You know he was the one who started all of Atlantis playing."
Over the years, various fads had taken over the Atlantis personnel, burning brightly for a few weeks or months and then quietly dying out when something new took their place. Thumb wars had been reborn as toe wars when one of the gate teams had seen it played competitively in a market place. There was a spate of multi-colored hair dying and then several months later, everyone took to wearing bands of braided leather tied above their knees. Even yo-yos made a brief appearance when a gross of them had turned up in place of shoelaces. The Athosian children got the hang of 'walking the dog' and other tricks very quickly, while a dozen had been traded somewhere for two plants Botany hoped would yield a useful anti-fungal agent. 'Who would you rather' had lasted about six weeks.
"Ah, I wasn't sure who the culprit was - I thought it might have been a bit of the hundredth monkey effect," said Sam. "One person does it, then another and suddenly everyone's doing it. Either that or you decided it would help keep your patients entertained while they recuperated."
"That's right. Anything to stop them from wanting to be discharged too soon! Or perhaps not. Rodney would try to play it in the Mess. It wasn't too bad until things turned personal."
"Oh, yeah." Sam's sigh was heartfelt, all the way down to her toes, currently clad in a pair of fuzzy pink socks. She refilled their glasses.
"You'd really choose Hermiod over Caldwell?" Jennifer harked back to one of Sam's choices from when the three of them had been trapped underground. She'd thought at the time she'd read something in Sam's expression that Rodney had missed, but it was gone almost before she'd realized what she'd seen, and they'd been concentrating on trying to get back to the surface. She and Rodney had assumed Sam's answer was a joke, but maybe she could get Sam to spill some beans of a more exotic type.
Sam flushed. She squirmed a little uncomfortably. "Hermiod's curious about a great many things."
Speculatively, Jennifer eyed Sam over the top of her glass. Sam and Hermoid? That couldn't be right. She thought back over some of the times they'd spent together. Sam had a gadget. It had been designed to relieve stress, she said, but she'd never said where she'd acquired it. Jennifer had correctly guessed it wasn't Ancient; she just hadn't picked it as Asgard. She gestured for Sam to continue.
"You really don't want to know."
"Yes, I do. It can't be that bad, considering," and she waved her free hand, encompassing everything they'd already experienced in both galaxies.
"He noticed something, something detrimental to the Stargate Program in ways that had never before been considered." Sam paused and chose her next words carefully. "Hermiod is one of the few Asgard who sort of understands the concept of relationships. With the whole cloning thing - they really don't get it. Anyway, he took it upon himself to provide me with some stress aids. That's not what he called them exactly, but he informed me he'd observed we worked more efficiently when certain chemicals in our bodies were at optimal levels and that said optimal levels were apparently achieved when, er, coitus resulted in orgasm."
"Sam!" Jennifer shoved a fist in her mouth, trying to stifle her laughter.
"He'd also noticed how most of my relationships had resulted in the unfortunate demise of the male, which, in his opinion, meant I'd eventually be responsible for the destruction of Earth, should I select someone of prime importance to the program for one of my liaisons."
"He doesn't know everything then, does he?" Jennifer was well aware of at least two people of prime importance with whom Sam had been involved, and both were still very much alive.
"That's not all. He concluded it would therefore be better if I didn't need anyone's assistance at all, and assured me he was certain the designs he'd come up with were indestructible, no matter what I did to them."
The thought of Hermiod meticulously researching, not to mention designing and manufacturing sex aids tickled Jennifer's funny bone and she didn't even try to control the snorting laugh that escaped. "Hasn't anyone introduced him to the internet?"
"You know, I have absolutely no idea, but I wouldn't put it past a few people I know." Sam pictured Hermiod tilting his head and blinking his eyes as he surveyed just what was able to be purchased to aid one in the 'optimization of one's body chemicals'. She laughed along with her friend. "But I've got quite a collection now." She paused. "Hermiod...with all the Asgard tech...."
"They're better, aren't they?" exclaimed Jennifer, cottoning on quickly to what Sam was hinting at.
Sam's answering smirk said everything. "Oh, yeah, and then some."
Jennifer stretched, letting her tank top ride up and show a little skin. "So, I'm pretty stressed. I was captured by a runner. And I nearly froze to death, remember? And as I'm still here, I think I must already be immune to the Death Curse of Samantha Carter's Lovers."
"But hopefully not to the 'Little Death' Curse." Grinning, Sam ignored Jennifer's groan at the very bad pun and held out her hand. "Shall we?"
END
Author: mandykaysfic
Recipient: rysler
Pairing: Carter/Keller (brief mention of Sam's past relationships)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Thanks to the owners of the characters and writers of the various episodes referred to herein for providing inspiration for this work of fanfic.
Author's Notes: Thanks to mific for some very useful suggestions.
Summary: Sam and Jennifer used to spend time together on Atlantis. Now Atlantis is on Earth, they catch up again.
---
"So, body swap, huh?" Sam gave Jennifer a questioning look. Back on Earth, they'd resumed spending some of their evenings together. On Atlantis, it had been at least weekly when circumstances allowed. They'd had one catch-up session already, hitting the highlights that had been covered in mission reports and personal letters. Now it was time to share all the gory details.
"Yes. Did that ever happen to you?"
"Not me personally, no, although did I ever tell you about Ma'chello's device?" Sam had a way with words when she chose, and her sanitized recounting of that particular episode, complete with impersonations, had both women in fits of laughter.
Jennifer's smile turned to a frown as she recalled the last few minutes in Neeva's body when she thought she would die. "My experience wasn't so much fun. She was fit, though. All that running from the authorities, I suppose. Every time something happens, I tell myself I need to work out more, but then there's another crisis and I never seem to get out of the Infirmary." She prodded her abdomen, then gave her hips a thoughtful pinch. "I have definitely got to work out more. Or stop the muffins."
"Oh, I don't think you have to go that far. You look okay to me. No signs of any remaining tentacles either."
Jennifer couldn't stop the shudder that rippled through her and she downed the remainder of her drink in a hurry.
"Sorry," said Sam. "I didn't mean to upset you."
"I'm not upset. Not anymore. Compulsory counseling, you know."
Sam did know; she'd been to more post-mission counseling sessions than she could remember.
"Not that it was a lot of help," Jennifer continued. "Frazer was still pretty new then, and their training doesn't exactly prepare them to deal with someone who has undergone an alien transformation. I really wish you had been there. The whole experience made Alien seem more like a kids' movie, which somehow doesn't scare me anywhere nearly as much now. I had these things growing out of me. Woolsey was so new and not used to handling it any other way than by the book."
"You had Rodney and the others. Carson, even."
"Carson was supposed to be returning here. I was lucky they let him stay. I don't think I'd have survived otherwise. I'd have been some big, horrible Wraith ship by now. I wanted you."
"Not Rodney? I thought from your letters the two of you had become close."
"Not that close. Good friends, yes, but nothing more. You and I - we were closer."
"Oh, Jen." Sam pulled her close and hugged her. "I'm sorry. My time on Atlantis gave me a whole new appreciation for Rodney. He really surprised me. I said it then and I'll say it again." Wanting to see Jennifer smile again, she asked, "Who would you rather?" Objective achieved, she thought smugly as Jennifer sat back and gave a shaky laugh.
"You know he was the one who started all of Atlantis playing."
Over the years, various fads had taken over the Atlantis personnel, burning brightly for a few weeks or months and then quietly dying out when something new took their place. Thumb wars had been reborn as toe wars when one of the gate teams had seen it played competitively in a market place. There was a spate of multi-colored hair dying and then several months later, everyone took to wearing bands of braided leather tied above their knees. Even yo-yos made a brief appearance when a gross of them had turned up in place of shoelaces. The Athosian children got the hang of 'walking the dog' and other tricks very quickly, while a dozen had been traded somewhere for two plants Botany hoped would yield a useful anti-fungal agent. 'Who would you rather' had lasted about six weeks.
"Ah, I wasn't sure who the culprit was - I thought it might have been a bit of the hundredth monkey effect," said Sam. "One person does it, then another and suddenly everyone's doing it. Either that or you decided it would help keep your patients entertained while they recuperated."
"That's right. Anything to stop them from wanting to be discharged too soon! Or perhaps not. Rodney would try to play it in the Mess. It wasn't too bad until things turned personal."
"Oh, yeah." Sam's sigh was heartfelt, all the way down to her toes, currently clad in a pair of fuzzy pink socks. She refilled their glasses.
"You'd really choose Hermiod over Caldwell?" Jennifer harked back to one of Sam's choices from when the three of them had been trapped underground. She'd thought at the time she'd read something in Sam's expression that Rodney had missed, but it was gone almost before she'd realized what she'd seen, and they'd been concentrating on trying to get back to the surface. She and Rodney had assumed Sam's answer was a joke, but maybe she could get Sam to spill some beans of a more exotic type.
Sam flushed. She squirmed a little uncomfortably. "Hermiod's curious about a great many things."
Speculatively, Jennifer eyed Sam over the top of her glass. Sam and Hermoid? That couldn't be right. She thought back over some of the times they'd spent together. Sam had a gadget. It had been designed to relieve stress, she said, but she'd never said where she'd acquired it. Jennifer had correctly guessed it wasn't Ancient; she just hadn't picked it as Asgard. She gestured for Sam to continue.
"You really don't want to know."
"Yes, I do. It can't be that bad, considering," and she waved her free hand, encompassing everything they'd already experienced in both galaxies.
"He noticed something, something detrimental to the Stargate Program in ways that had never before been considered." Sam paused and chose her next words carefully. "Hermiod is one of the few Asgard who sort of understands the concept of relationships. With the whole cloning thing - they really don't get it. Anyway, he took it upon himself to provide me with some stress aids. That's not what he called them exactly, but he informed me he'd observed we worked more efficiently when certain chemicals in our bodies were at optimal levels and that said optimal levels were apparently achieved when, er, coitus resulted in orgasm."
"Sam!" Jennifer shoved a fist in her mouth, trying to stifle her laughter.
"He'd also noticed how most of my relationships had resulted in the unfortunate demise of the male, which, in his opinion, meant I'd eventually be responsible for the destruction of Earth, should I select someone of prime importance to the program for one of my liaisons."
"He doesn't know everything then, does he?" Jennifer was well aware of at least two people of prime importance with whom Sam had been involved, and both were still very much alive.
"That's not all. He concluded it would therefore be better if I didn't need anyone's assistance at all, and assured me he was certain the designs he'd come up with were indestructible, no matter what I did to them."
The thought of Hermiod meticulously researching, not to mention designing and manufacturing sex aids tickled Jennifer's funny bone and she didn't even try to control the snorting laugh that escaped. "Hasn't anyone introduced him to the internet?"
"You know, I have absolutely no idea, but I wouldn't put it past a few people I know." Sam pictured Hermiod tilting his head and blinking his eyes as he surveyed just what was able to be purchased to aid one in the 'optimization of one's body chemicals'. She laughed along with her friend. "But I've got quite a collection now." She paused. "Hermiod...with all the Asgard tech...."
"They're better, aren't they?" exclaimed Jennifer, cottoning on quickly to what Sam was hinting at.
Sam's answering smirk said everything. "Oh, yeah, and then some."
Jennifer stretched, letting her tank top ride up and show a little skin. "So, I'm pretty stressed. I was captured by a runner. And I nearly froze to death, remember? And as I'm still here, I think I must already be immune to the Death Curse of Samantha Carter's Lovers."
"But hopefully not to the 'Little Death' Curse." Grinning, Sam ignored Jennifer's groan at the very bad pun and held out her hand. "Shall we?"
END