Shattered Part 4/4
John paused as the infirmary doors closed behind him and took a deep, satisfied breath.
“Sheppard?”
John flashed a quick smile at Ronon. “Feels good to be out of my medical prison.”
Ronon just chuckled quietly.
John buried his hands in his pant pockets and resumed walking down the hallway. “So, what have you been up to?” He glanced sideways at Ronon.
“Been off-world a few times with Lorne’s team,” Ronon answered. “Sparring with Teyla, helping the Athosians set up a hunting camp in the mountains. Not much else.”
John looked directly at Ronon as the Satedan, seemingly on the verge of saying something, stared at him a moment before looking away. “What?” John asked.
Ronon shrugged. “Was just going to say I’m looking forward to our team going off world again.” Ronon’s gaze sobered as he looked back at John.
John sighed deeply and fixed his gaze forward as he continued down the hallway. He wanted to agree with Ronon, and somewhere in his gut, he knew leading his team was the bread and butter of his life, but the feelings weren’t there. The sentiment, the bond. Sure, he’d re-made friends with all of them, but if there was one thing John had learned in his various tours of duty, is that there was nothing like a life or death situation to cement the bond between teammates. Facing death together forged a deep connection between people and actually made the team a more cohesive unit. It was still there for them. Ronon, Teyla even Rodney, but not for him. He knew it was buried somewhere, deep inside him, but shielded by his amnesia… and he keenly felt its absence.
“Sorry, Sheppard,” Ronon finally spoke.
John flashed him a weak smile. “It’s okay. Believe me, if I have my way, you’ll get your wish.” He returned his gaze forward as the east doors to the Gate room opened. Stepping through, he paused as his gaze fixed on the elegant blues and grays of the Stargate.
“Then you don’t even know about the Stargate?”
“The what?”
“Sheppard?”
John could feel Ronon’s scrutinizing gaze on him. He shook his head slightly, snapping out of his memories. “Nothing.” He walked up the main stairs and into ops, freezing as a loud, demanding voice broke the relative quiet surrounding him.
“What? Of all the ridiculous, asinine… they’re out of their damned, pea-brained minds!”
John turned fast, his gaze fixing on Elizabeth’s office just in time to see her raise her hand at an obviously angry Rodney.
“Rodney,” Elizabeth’s voice was only slightly quieter.
“Where’s Ronon?” Rodney answered, turning his volume up more. “Can we just have him shoot those squabbling…”
“Rodney!” Elizabeth snapped loudly, her voice echoing through Ops. She did a double take as she spotted John and Ronon standing quietly next to one of the control panels.
Even from a distance, John could see her shoulders rise and fall in a heavy sigh, before she waved them to her office.
Rodney spotted John and his expression turned uncomfortable. “I uhh… yeah.” He looked at Elizabeth. “Bad news is your department.”
John stepped sideways making room for Rodney on the narrow walkway between Ops and Elizabeth’s office, as the doctor breezed by him without so much as a glance. John arched a brow at Ronon. “This can’t be good.”
Ronon grunted and said nothing as John once more walked towards her office. He stopped in the doorway. “What’s got Rodney so pissed?”
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His question was simple enough, but Elizabeth suddenly found she couldn’t look him in the eye, as she turned away, she could sense him stiffening at her response. Elizabeth sighed. What did she expect? It wasn’t like this moment wasn’t going to happen. He’d been relieved of command… and sooner or later she’d have to tell him. She walked behind her desk, before sitting down and folding her hands on its surface. “Come in and have a seat you two.”She looked up and right into John’s narrowed gaze.
John walked in and slowly sat in one of the chairs, while Ronon took the other. “Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like what you have to say?”
Elizabeth looked away, wishing, in vain, that she didn’t have to tell him what she was about to say. “I received a communiqué from the IOA today…” Her voice trailed off and she closed her eyes.
After a moment, John broke the silence. “They relieved me of my command, didn’t they?”
Elizabeth swallowed hard. John’s resigned and quiet voice held no note of question and she nodded silently.
“They’re crazy,” Ronon grumbled.
“Rodney agrees,” she answered. Slowly Elizabeth looked up and straight into the intense, dark eyes of John. “And so do I. We’re still fighting this, John. Even Colonel Caldwell is on your side.” She watched as he slowly stood and walked over to the window overlooking the Stargate.
“Great,” he answered softly. He looked back at her, anger, frustration and sadness all shouting their injustices at her, but his voice remained quiet. “When do I leave?”
Elizabeth’s fingers tightened around each other as she stared down at her hands. “The Daedalus is scheduled to leave for Earth in three days.” She pulled her hands apart and reached towards his arm as she looked up at him. “John…”
He stepped back. “Don’t.” For a moment, his expression softened. “I know you tried. Thanks.” He turned and swiftly left her office without another word.
Elizabeth’s gaze fell on Ronon, who sat totally still in his chair. “Aren’t you going to go with him?”
“Nope. Man needs some time alone.” Ronon fixed her with a no-nonsense stare. “This isn’t right.”
Elizabeth closed her eyes for a moment. “I know.” She dropped her head in resignation. “But there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”
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John took the back stairs down from Ops two at a time, his growing strength fueled by anger. Damn it! Part of him could see the IOA’s point, even if he truly believed they were jumping the gun, and having that part war with the rest of him only pissed him off more. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and resisted the urge to put his fist through the wall as he stared around in vain, knowing who he needed to talk to, but not knowing where to go. A moment of dark humor passed through him as he envisioned himself with two bandaged hands, and that one thought was about all that kept him from denting the defenseless wall next to him.
He thought for a moment, before an idea momentarily chased back the dark cloud over his emotions. He smiled slightly and turned, making a beeline for his own quarters. Someplace, he thought with renewed frustration, he could actually find!
Stepping through the doorway into his quarters, John stopped, his gaze scanning the room until he zeroed in on the short table next to his bed. He walked swiftly to it and picked up the small radio that sat there. Fitting it over his ear, he tapped the call button as he headed back towards the door. “McKay, this is Sheppard, come in.”
“Sheppard?” Rodney’s voice immediately responded. “What are you doing with a radio?”
John abruptly halted and ground his teeth. “Never mind that. Where are you?”
“My lab. Why? What’s going on? That is,” Rodney stumbled, “I think I do know what’s going on, but…” his voice trailed off.
“Rodney, shut up. I need to talk to you. In person. Now.”
“Fine!” Annoyance colored Rodney’s voice. “I’m in my lab.”
John’s tight control on his frustration slipped a little. “ And where the hell is that?” He snapped forcefully.
“Oh,” Rodney’s voice was considerably quieter. “Right. Where are you?”
John took a deep breath and composed himself. “My quarters.”
“Leave and turn left. I’ll guide you the rest of the way.”
“Copy that.” John slammed his hand on the door crystal and stalked from his quarters.
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Rodney looked up from his laptop as Sheppard stormed into his lab. His gaze narrowed. It was safe to say that through this whole ordeal, Rodney had been less then comfortable with Sheppard’s situation. Personal relationships had never been his strong point. Dealing with a man who’s lost his memory? Way out of Rodney’s realm of comfort. But standing in the doorway staring at him was someone he found familiar. Gone was the hesitation and shadow of insecurity that had shrouded the Colonel since his injury. The face that stared back at Rodney was the determined face of the same man that had saved all their skins more than once. “Sheppard? What’s going on?”
Sheppard walked into the room and stopped on the other side of the counter Rodney stood at. Rodney felt like the colonel’s eyes were going to bore a hole straight through him. “Words, Colonel,” he snapped. “Words would be good here.”
“I need your help,” Sheppard replied quietly but intensely.
Rodney closed the lid on his laptop. “Elizabeth told you the IOA relieved you, didn’t she?” He watched Sheppard’s lips tighten as the colonel ground his teeth in anger and Rodney didn’t need a verbal answer.
Sheppard placed both of his fists on the counter and leaned in close to Rodney. “The Ancient healing device. You figured it out yet?”
Rodney swallowed hard. Normally, this was the point where he’d proudly proclaim that he had, even if he wasn’t a hundred percent he was right. But, the look on Sheppard’s face alarmed even him. There was a hint of desperation intermixed in the anger and frustration he wore so prominently; the expression of a man backed in a corner and desperate. “Well,” Rodney stammered, “maybe.”
Sheppard arched a humorless brow. “Maybe? How maybe? Maybe I’ll go to dinner with a Wraith Friday night, maybe, or maybe I’m the smartest man on Atlantis, maybe?”
“There’s no maybe to it,” Rodney answered immediately, “I am the smartest man on Atlantis.”
“McKay!” Sheppard snapped.
Rodney felt his own irritation rise. “Just,” he raised both hands in exasperation, “maybe! I don’t know yet.”
“Rodney,” Sheppard’s voice was low and dangerous, “they’re taking me off Atlantis in three days. I may not have much going up here,” he pointed at his head, “but I do know I… I don’t want to, I… I can’t leave.” His expression softened slightly as pain took the dominant role in his expression. “That healing device is my only chance.”
Rodney fidgeted uncomfortably. This was so far out of his realm of comfort that he was almost at a complete loss as to what to say. “There must be something… I mean, even if you’re not on Atlantis… you… you’re a… a good officer…” even as the words left his mouth, he could feel the hollowness of them. Sheppard wasn’t buying it, and, if he was in the colonel’s shoes, Rodney knew he wouldn’t either.
“I’ll get a desk job if I’m lucky,” Sheppard replied quietly. “They’re not going to trust a man who’s got more holes in his memories than a moth eaten sweater, with a field command.” He quickly looked away, but not before Rodney caught the hint of vulnerability that flashed across his face. “I… I can’t take that.” He looked back up, blunt determination once again dominating his expression. “I’m going to try to use that healer, with or without your help.”
Rodney’s mind raced. He knew Sheppard and was sure the colonel’s words were not an empty threat. “Look, don’t you think… that is, shouldn’t you, I don’t know, sleep on this before you do something… rash?”
“No.”
“Right,” Rodney sighed. “Well, I’m not going to just stand by and let you fry your brain…” he lowered his voice to something just above a mutter, “not if I can help it anyway.” He reached behind his laptop and unplugged it from the network. He looked up and right at Sheppard.
Sheppard smiled slightly in gratitude. “Thanks, McKay.”
“Sure. If you can’t trust your Chief Scientist to try to keep you from scrambling your brain, who can you trust?” Rodney quipped darkly as he grabbed his laptop, pad and scanner. “We’ll have to take the back way in to avoid Carson.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Sheppard responded, “I’m overdue to return to the infirmary anyway.”
“Oh wonderful,” Rodney sighed, “you do realize Carson will send out the cavalry to find you?”
“Yep,” Sheppard paused and looked around as the door to the lab opened. “That’s why we need to hurry.” He looked back at Rodney expectantly. “Back way?”
Rodney nodded. “Right. This way.” He quickly started down the hallway, Sheppard right behind him.
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“Elizabeth, this is Carson, come in please.”
Elizabeth looked up from her laptop, her gaze narrowing at the note of concern in Carson’s voice. She tapped her headset. “This is Weir. What is it, Carson?”
“Have ye seen the Colonel?”
Quiet but insistent alarms went off in the back of her head. “Not recently, no. Is there a problem?”
“Maybe,” Carson answered. “He was supposed to come straight back here from Ops. He’s not back yet. Do ye know where he went when he left there?”
Elizabeth sighed and stood. “No. I do know he was pretty upset though.”
“Upset?” Carson questioned.
“Yes. The IOA…” she sighed, “relieved him of duty.”
“Bloody hell!” Carson swore. “Was Ronon with him?”
“No,” Elizabeth unconsciously shook her head. “John left alone.”
“Damn it,” Carson sighed loudly. “Is Ronon still there?”
“No,” Elizabeth looked out the window towards Ops. “But if you think it’s necessary, I’ll start a search for John.”
“Aye, it’s necessary,” Carson answered.
“Understood,” Elizabeth walked out of her office towards Ops. “We’ll start a search immediately. Weir out.” She stopped next to the communications tech and nodded. “Colonel Sheppard is missing and we need to find him. Call Major Lorne to Ops along with McKay.” She turned and faced the inactive gate, her thoughts racing as behind her, the technician started his hails.
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Nearly to the infirmary lab, Rodney stopped in his tracks as a hail came across Atlantis’ communication system.
“Dr. McKay, please report to Ops immediately.”
He exchanged worried glances with Sheppard. “Uh oh.” Rodney scratched the back of his neck absently as he searched for an answer. “What do I tell them?”
“Well, don’t tell them you’re with me,” Sheppard answered immediately.
“Oh thank you!” Rodney snapped. “That’s so incredibly not helpful!”
“Well I don’t know!” Sheppard’s voice was equally exasperated. “Just… stall ‘em!”
Rodney tapped his headset. “This is McKay. What’s going on?” He demanded. He listened to the reply in his headset before tapping it and closing the channel. “They’re calling in the troops to look for you.”
Sheppard grimaced. “Great. McKay…”
Rodney waved. “I know, I know… stall them.” He tapped his radio again. “I’m in the middle of something…” he glanced at Sheppard, throwing the colonel an irritated look, “unusual. I’ll be there in a few minutes, McKay out.”
“A few minutes?” Sheppard stared incredulously at him.
“Well, I couldn’t tell them an hour!” Rodney snapped. “Come on.” He walked the rest of the short distance to the infirmary lab before quickly entering it. He waited until Sheppard passed through and the doors closed, before he quickly removed the panel and pulled two crystals from the door controls.
“What are you doing?” Sheppard watched intently.
“Locking it.” Rodney answered. He turned an annoyed look on Sheppard. “Just how long do you think it’ll take them to put two and two together and know what you’re going to try to do?” He stared at Sheppard’s frustrated look for a moment. “Never mind,” Rodney waved. “Just… trust me, they’ll figure it out soon enough.” Rodney walked past Sheppard and up to the device’s control panel. He connected his laptop and pad, before looking up expectantly at the colonel. “This isn’t going to work unless you lie down on the thing.”
Sheppard eyed the device for a moment before he sighed deeply. “Right.” He slowly sat down on the edge of the platform and looked up at Rodney. “Look, Rodney,” his brows furrowed slightly. “Even if this doesn’t work… thanks anyway.” He smiled slightly.
Rodney stared at him a minute, trying to quell his discomfort. “Right uhh… you’re welcome.” He waited a moment until Sheppard had laid down on the platform before issuing the command for the lid to slide shut. “God, I hope this works,” he muttered.
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John took a deep breath as he watched the scanner bed cover slowly close over him. He felt like he was in a cramped MRI machine and for a moment he was relieved that he wasn’t claustrophobic.
“If you can’t trust your Chief Scientist to try to keep you from scrambling your brain, who can you trust?”
John folded his hands on his stomach and tapped his fingers idly. The tension he felt boiled over and he jumped slightly as his radio clicked on.
“Sheppard.”
John reached up and tapped the call button on his headset. “What is it, McKay?”
”Take your headset off,” Rodney replied smugly.
John was momentarily annoyed that Rodney had correctly assumed he still had it on. “Right,” John sighed. He pulled the small headset off his ear and held onto it as he again rested his hands on his stomach. A minute passed, then another. He looked around. “Come on,” he muttered. As if on cue the soft green tint of light turned to a deep red as a low humming seemed to vibrate through his body.
He didn’t really know what to do, so John settled for trying his best to quell his nerves and relax. He closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath.
At first, it felt like someone was tickling the hairs on the back of his neck. Not painful, not annoying just… there. But, as he tried his best to stay relaxed, the tingling intensified, turning to an itch, then a mild burn. Okay, this isn’t so pleasant anymore…
John winced as the pain grew. He could feel his jaw clench in response and he clenched his eyes tighter shut before drawing in a sharp, hissing breath.
The pain grew in intensity with every moment and with every passing second it spread through his head until he felt as if his entire skull was going to explode. Sweat broke out on his forehead, and his breaths came in deep gasps. “Mc…Kay…” he stammered.
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“Ma’am, anything?”
Elizabeth turned and flashed a brief, strained smile at Major Lorne. “Not yet.”
“With any luck, we’re worrying over nothing,” Lorne replied. “Still, I got my guys out scouting the city. We’ll find the Colonel.”
“He is not anywhere outside the designated green zones of the city,” Radek Zelenka interjected quietly, “the sensors show no indication that anyone is out of bounds.”
“Should’ve chained him to his bed,” Carson groused quietly, “who knows what his mental state is now that the IOA has relieved him.”
Elizabeth sighed. Bad news or not, for all intents and purposes, John was pretty level headed. “Carson, I don’t think he’d do anything too rash….”
Carson smiled slightly. “Aye, he’s got a good head on his shoulders, even if it’s a stubborn one, but he might do something on impulse; think it’s the best thing when it might not be.”
“Him and Rodney,” Elizabeth commented absently. Her brow furrowed. “Where is Rodney anyway?”
“He said he was in the middle of something and would be up in a few minutes, ma’am,” the gate technician answered. He frowned, “that was at least fifteen minutes ago.”
Elizabeth tapped her radio call button. “McKay, this is Weir, come in please.” She looked down for a moment as she waited for a reply that never came. “Rodney? Do you copy?” She exchanged puzzled glances with Carson. “That’s odd. Rodney’s never away from his radio.”
“First the Colonel, now McKay…” Carson’s voice trailed off and his eyes widened as he stared at Elizabeth. “You don’t think…”
Elizabeth felt as if someone had punched her in the gut. It was too much of a coincidence. John leaves her office angry, maybe even a little desperate, looking for a solution, now Rodney wasn’t answering. Her racing mind ground to a halt as one answer stuck to her. She had no facts, only circumstances but her instincts screamed in warning. “The scanner.” Apparently, she wasn’t alone in her assumptions.
“Confirmed,” Radek responded. “Two life signs are registering in the infirmary lab.”
“Bloody hell!” Carson pushed away from the control panel he’d been leaning on and ran for the back stairs, Lorne and Elizabeth hot on his tail. “Beckett to the infirmary. Dr. Peterson, I want someone to check and see if Dr. McKay and Colonel Sheppard are in the auxiliary lab immediately!”
Elizabeth quirked a brow as Carson grabbed the stairwell rail and practically threw himself down the stairs. She looked back. “Radek, we may need your expertise as well.” She nodded once as Radek left his post and hurried after them.
“Even with his ego, I can’t believe Rodney would consent to help the Colonel do something this insane!” Carson ranted.
“John can be pretty persuasive when he puts his mind to it, Carson,” Elizabeth answered. “And Rodney… he’s not going to let John do something like this all alone.”
“Peterson to Beckett, the lab is inaccessible. Looks like the door is locked from the inside. We tried the back entrance but it seems to be locked as well.”
Elizabeth sighed in frustration as Dr. Peterson’s report came over the radio.
“Damn it!” Carson jumped down the last few stairs and jogged down the hallway towards the infirmary. “That tears it, they have to be there.”
Elizabeth pursed her lips and followed behind Carson, Radek’s colorful Czech expletives echoing behind her.
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He floated.
Somewhere between the pain of awareness and the bliss of unconsciousness, John lingered. Each breath he took, each beat of his heart sent a new wave of pain through his head. Reds danced in his vision, cutting swaths of color over the blackness of oblivion that lingered just beyond. Slowly, the reds took shape; scenes, memories pulled from the reaches of his mind…
“Sheppard!”
John looked up from his plate and watched Colonel Hays cross the mess towards him. He dropped his fork and quickly stood. “Sir.”
Hays waved absently at him. “At ease, Major. I have an assignment for you.” Hays sat down opposite John and motioned him to take his seat. Hays waved at the plate. “Finish your meal. You’ve got a little time yet.”
John slowly sat. “Little time, sir?”
Hays nodded. “Yep. I need you to ferry one General Jack O’Neill to the research station. He’s en route. Should be here in about a half hour. I want you to meet him at the landing and take him right out to the outpost.”
John’s quick bite to his sandwich wasn’t just to finish his food; he hoped the action would conceal his grimace, but, Hays quiet chortle proved he hadn’t quite managed to hide his look.
“Don’t start that, Major. I know ferrying diplomats and generals from here to the research station isn’t the most glamorous or exciting job in the Air Force, but someone has to do it.”
John stopped mid-chew and made eye contact with the colonel. Unspoken words radiated from Hays face.
You’re damn lucky to be flying at all.
John swallowed his bite and nodded. “Yes, sir.”
Hays stood and turned away from the table, only to stop and look back. “It’ll blow over one of these days, John. You won’t be in Antarctica forever.” He held John’s gaze for another moment before walking away...
The memories washed over John, faster than he could comprehend them, each one sending a new stab of pain through his skull. His breath turned ragged and his arms shot out to the side, his hands crashing into the cocoon that surrounded him. His tense fingers scraped down the sides of the machine as the assault marched on, mercilessly. But, through it all, like a dam opening up, memories and flashbacks swarmed over him, driving back the dark nothingness of amnesia that had shrouded him since his accident.
John stamped the snow out of the treads of his boots as he stepped onto the freshly plowed airstrip and walked towards his chopper. He looked left as Colonel Hays along with another man walked towards them. John stopped next to his bird and waited quietly as Hays and the man approached.
Hays nodded slightly in John’s direction, before returning his attention to the other man. “General O’Neill,” Hays waved back in John’s direction, “Major John Sheppard. He’ll be flying you to the outpost.” Hays looked at John. “Major, General Jack O’Neill.”
John straightened his posture slightly and nodded once at the General. “Sir.” O’Neill’s eyes were hidden behind dark sunglasses and John found his expression hard to read, but the General seemed to study him for a moment before smiling slightly.
“Major.”
A strangled cry escaped John’s mouth, but he fought hard, trying to hold onto the memories and tune out the pain. Somewhere in the recesses of his mind, where any rational thought still existed against the onslaught of pain, he knew the memories were coming back, and at this point all the pain in the galaxy was worth it…
“I kinda like it here…”
“Sir, what the hell was that?”
Like a gigantic puzzle, new memories tied to ones he’d already experienced, slowly forming the tapestry of his life the last three years.
“Did I do that?”
O’Neill stared hard at him. “and I think anyone who doesn’t want to go through the Stargate is equally as whacked!”
“Stargate…” he croaked, “Atlantis…”
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Rodney could feel the color drain from his face. Though muffled, the agony in Sheppard’s cry came through the lid of the scanner loud and clear. “Oh, God…” He looked down at his pad, quickly skimming the readings coming from the scanner. “Damn it!” Sheppard was in pain. God knows what the scanner was doing to him, but from everything Rodney saw in his data he realized that stopping the process would surely kill the colonel.
A pounding on the lab door snapped him from his thoughts.
“Rodney!”
Even dampened by the thick door, Rodney could still make out the heavy accent of Beckett. He opened his mouth to respond, only to hold his voice as his radio clicked on.
“Rodney, open the door now.”
He winced at the cold, commanding tone of Elizabeth’s voice. Reaching up, he tapped his earpiece. “Just a second.” Taking one, quick look at the scanner, he swiftly walked across the room and replaced the door crystal. Not waiting for the door to open, he trotted back to Sheppard’s side. From behind he heard the scuffle of feet as Elizabeth and company entered the lab.
“Shut it down, now!” Carson demanded as he stopped next to the scanner.
“No!” Rodney’s shout stopped Radek who reached past him and towards the control console. He batted Radek’s hand away. “You can’t! The process is too far along! Look at the data! You stop it now, you’ll kill him!”
“What the bloody hell were you thinking?” Carson demanded loudly.
“I didn’t force him into this, Carson!” Rodney snapped back, a note of desperation in his voice. “He forced me! He was going to do this with or without me! He stood a lot better chance of not becoming a human vegetable if I was here to monitor the process! I didn’t have much choice in the matter!”
“Damn it, Rodney,” Elizabeth whispered as she laid her hand on the scanner lid and stared through the clouded glass at Sheppard’s pained face.
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Agony assaulted him, but somehow he endured; knowing that with it, came what he needed the most… his past. He felt like his head was on fire and strangled cries periodically escaped him. His breaths came in deep, rapid gasps as the scanner continued its work; technology that was so far beyond them… technology of the Ancients themselves…
“It's a metaphor. Don't you see? This entire expedition is the biggest Hail Mary in human history.”
“The lights are coming on by themselves…”
“On the surface without a shield? We’re target practice…”
John gasped loudly, the pain he felt suddenly nothing compared to the anger, and cold hatred that flowed through him.
Wraith…
“I’m sure you’ll warm up to me once you get to know me, sir.”
“I’m gonna fly us all out of here, including the colonel.”
Sumner… he felt the concussion of the P-90 in his grip as he fired the bullet to end the Colonel’s agony… and felt the guilt at doing it that plagued him for months and in some ways still did, for with the memories, came all the emotions associated. But, unlike before, they all hit him at once, creating a pain exponentially worse than the physical agony he suffered. Anger surfaced.
“That has to kill you…”
He could feel the Wraith’s warm blood on his hands, the dark satisfaction he took in killing her…
The guilt over the repercussions of his actions.
Slowly, as the pieces of his past came together, he began to realize that, like a puzzle, the pieces were scattered; fitting into place sure, but not in order. His mind jumped all over the past three years, associating memories with feelings, not with time…
“Look, Lieutenant. What I'm trying to say is that if you don't get this damn thing off me, I have even less time than you do.”
“The infirmary isn't secure. The inhibitor's only keeping me lucid, it's not slowing the retrovirus.”
They’d helped him… stood by him… saved him more than once, and he them.
“You don’t leave our people in the hands of the enemy!”
“Well, perhaps you've noticed that every time we step through the Stargate, bad guys try to kill us, and I'm getting a little tired of it. How ‘bout you?”
“Our people are in the hands of the enemy, Doctor. Do you know what that means? It is just a matter of time before the Wraith figure out that this is the base of our operations…”
Desperation… these people were more than his comrades. Isolation and relying on each other for survival had forged a deep bond; a relationship he’d do anything to preserve. A memory came back to him. One that had flashed through is mind before, but this time, instead of confusing him, it made sense. He understood and felt the meaning…
“Weapon is armed and ready. I’m going in.”
A strong sense of protectiveness pierced the pain that tormented him emotionally and physically. He’d never fought an enemy like the Wraith… no one from Earth had. He’d crossed lines he never thought he would in the name of protecting the people he cared about, and fighting an enemy on a level he never thought he’d ever face.
“We're at war. The Wraith will stop at nothing to kill every one of us. And we'll stop at nothing to make sure that doesn't happen.”
“Hold on a minute, Doc. If we hadn't given him the retrovirus, he'd still be a Wraith. We wouldn't think twice about killing him.”
Somewhere, deep inside and through all of this, he’d known that Atlantis was so much more than just a post to him… somehow, along the way, it’d become his lifeblood and he couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. He’d found his niche here and as the Ancient device continued its work on him, the holes in his memory filled. He felt the pain of every death under his command, the guilt of decisions that went wrong… but all of it was countered by the friends that he’d made along the way. People that meant more to him then he was comfortable admitting.
“I was going to say, um... take care of each other.”
The pain in his head lessened, and unconsciousness pushed on the edge of his thoughts. He felt like he was floating on warm waves carrying him to the blissful darkness. Somehow, though, he felt contented. The storm of memories quieted, but as he succumbed to unconsciousness one stuck with him.
“I'd do anything ... for any one of you. If I had to give up my life the way Ronon was going to, I would.”
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“It’s done,” Rodney whispered as the fast streaming data on his pad, slowed to a crawl. He looked up, apprehension cramping his gut as the scanner slowly slid open. Almost numb, he stared at Sheppard’s unmoving form. “Is he…” he has to be…
Carson knelt and pressed his fingers into Sheppard’s throat before nodding. “He’s alive.”
Rodney spun, switched the device to back to passive scan mode and initiated it. He stared at the readings, his mind swiftly translating the Ancient language. “According to this, he’s fine…” Rodney swallowed and looked down at Sheppard. “But, he shouldn’t be unconscious.”
“God knows what happened,” Carson muttered coldly. “In some ways, Ancient physiology was very different than ours.” He looked up at Lorne who nodded once.
Rodney just stared at Sheppard’s unmoving form, barely noticing Lorne trot past him, open the main door to the infirmary and order a stretcher. “He was going to do it with or without me,” Rodney muttered, more to try and convince himself than anyone else. “I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t let him… not alone….” He looked up as Elizabeth’s gaze met his and her expression softened. She backed out of the way of the medical team and walked over to him.
“Rodney.”
Elizabeth’s voice was gentle but Rodney wouldn’t have anything to do with it. “I should’ve stopped him,” Rodney interrupted Elizabeth. He looked at her, guilt swarming over him. “What have I done?”
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Sometimes Elizabeth wondered how she managed to keep the grey from her hair with all the time she seemed to spend in the infirmary. For the second time in as many months, she was pacing the clean floor, waiting for some word as John lay motionless not far from her.
She spared a glance at both Ronon and Teyla only recently returned from the mainland. She’d called them as soon as John showed up as missing, but by the time they’d gotten back, he was already in the infirmary.
She smiled thinly. “How are your people, Teyla?”
Teyla’s smile mirrored hers. “Recovering. The storm damage was… significant, but we are rebuilding.”
“Should’ve been here,” Ronon muttered his eyes fixed on John.
Elizabeth turned her attention to the big runner. “Would you have tried to stop him if you had?" It was a long moment before Ronon slowly looked at her, his gaze narrowing.
“No.”
Ronon’s answer didn’t surprise Elizabeth as she returned her attention to John. She hated seeing him like this, almost as much as she hated the situation that drove him to it and not knowing whether or not he was going to be okay, or if the procedure even worked. Her gaze slowly lifted from John and settled on Rodney, standing quietly next to John’s bed.
Elizabeth sighed quietly as she crossed the room to stand next to Rodney. Slowly, she reached out and lightly grasped his forearm. “Hey. You okay?” She asked, quietly.
It was a long moment before Rodney looked up at her. Silent, he didn’t seem to be able to find the right words, but to Elizabeth, his expression said everything. “It’s not your fault, Rodney. No matter what the outcome is, this isn’t your fault.”
Rodney’s quiet snort was far from convinced. “Really? This was my project and I’m the one that insisted I could make it work…”
“Rodney,” Elizabeth interrupted gently. “You and I both know John would’ve tried this with or without your help.”
“I could’ve stopped him,” Rodney insisted. “Called you, or Carson or had Ronon throw him in the brig. Anything,” he waved his hand over John’s unconscious body, “but this.”
Elizabeth pursed her lips but remained silent. Rodney had a point, and yes he could’ve done any of those things, but as she thought about it, she became more and more convinced that he never would’ve. In the three years that she’d watched John and Rodney’s friendship grow, there were two things she’d learned and accepted as facts about it. Each one felt a friendship for the other that was deeper than either would admit... and each one would do anything to help the other, regardless of the situation. Period. “You could’ve, Rodney,” she said quietly before glancing over at him and giving him a small smile. “But you wouldn’t have.” She held Rodney’s gaze as he looked at her for a long moment before finding a slight smile of his own.
“Yeah,” Rodney returned his gaze to John.
Elizabeth’s attention returned to John as a quiet, deep inhale followed by a soft groan precluded him stirring slightly. “John?” She quickly stepped closer to his bed, Rodney right next to her. Behind her she heard Ronon and Teyla approach.
“Carson, he is awakening,” Teyla hailed the doctor as she rounded John’s bed and stood next to Ronon and opposite of Elizabeth and Rodney.
Elizabeth reached out and lightly wrapped her fingers around John’s limp ones, before squeezing gently. “John?”
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Slowly, as unconsciousness folded back off of him, John gradually became aware that he wasn’t alone. It wasn’t his eyes, or his ears, but just a gut feeling, and that gut feeling sharpened him, helped him find his way up the path to awareness. A faint, instinctive alarm went off inside him and he pulled in a deep fresh breath before groaning quietly as his throbbing head made its pain very plain to him. Damn!
“John?”
The light voice woke his mind and in that instant; that moment when full consciousness found him, he felt the completeness of his memories. Gone was the dark shroud of amnesia that had covered his soul like a damp, cold blanket since his injury. Elizabeth. He instantly identified the voice. Atlantis. Inside, he was elated, but the best his body could do was let him crack a half smile. “Hi,” he croaked, before clearing his throat. He peeled his eyes open and instantly met her smiling expression.
“Hi yourself,” she answered. “How do you feel?”
“Like shit,” he muttered. He glanced around, seeing the smiles on each of his team member’s faces before spotting Carson who hurried to his bedside.
“Colonel? How are ye, son?” Carson looked at him a moment longer before fixing his gaze on the monitors over John’s head.
“Been better.” Again, John looked around at the faces staring at him. The range of emotions he could see reflected each of their personalities. Rodney looked slightly guilty, Teyla and Elizabeth, openly worried and Ronon… worried but much more subtle. But in each of their faces, there also was a hint of expectant hope. It was like each of them, in their own way were saying the same thing. Did it work?”
Again, John took a deep breath. “Damn T’eshii. That’s two I owe ‘em. Remind me to add grenades to the list of armaments they’re confirmed to have.” He could feel the tension around him break.
“John, then you…” Elizabeth started.
“Everything,” he interrupted with a smile. He tapped his skull lightly. “No more holes.” His smile deepened slightly as a Elizabeth’s small, hesitant one broke into a full grin. She reached up and tapped her radio. “Weir to control. Please contact Colonel Caldwell and ask him to return to Atlantis immediately.” Her grin faded back to a smile as she looked down at John. “He has the Daedalus out testing some hyperdrive modifications. They’re probably on the other side of the solar system but shouldn’t take too long to get back.”
“Besides,” Carson interrupted, “just because you’re conscious, lucid and claiming to have all your memories back, doesn’t mean I don’t have a barrage of tests to run on you.”
“Well, Carson, maybe now you’ll believe me when I tell you I can make something work,” Rodney interrupted, his gaze turning challenging.
John chuckled quietly as Carson just stared coldly at Rodney for a moment before rolling his eyes and looking away.
John’s gaze passed over Ronon who nodded back at him, before it settled on Teyla. He narrowed his eyes slightly at the odd mix of relief, happiness and guilt that blanketed her expression. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears as she just stared silently back at her. He looked back at Carson. “The tests will have to wait, Doc. I think Teyla and I need to talk… alone.”
“Colonel, can’t this wait? You just woke up, son.” Carson protested.
He shook his head. “No.”
“John…” Teyla started.
John looked back at her. “Teyla.” His voice was gentle but still firm. He stared at her until she dropped her head and nodded slightly. He turned his attention back to Carson, who had quietly watched the whole exchange.
“Aye,” Carson nodded in resignation. He backed away and followed behind Ronon and Elizabeth, grabbing Rodney’s arm and dragging him along behind.
“Wait…” Rodney started.
“Come on, Rodney,” Carson held tight to Rodney’s shirt sleeve. “You can pester him later.” Carson gently pushed Rodney ahead of him before stopping and grabbing the privacy curtain.
Carson took a moment to nod slightly at John before he pulled the curtain shut.
John took a deep breath and shifted his gaze back to Teyla. He studied her for a moment. She stood a short distance away from his bed, her body tense and back rigid. The fingers of her right hand clenched and relaxed at regular intervals, probably subconsciously. He looked up at her face. Her normally full lips were pressed into a thin line as she stared, wordlessly, back at him.
He glanced pointedly at the stool next to his bed. “Have a seat, Teyla,” he suggested quietly.
After a moment, she stiffly waked to the stool and sat. “John,” she started, “I do not see why…”
“Teyla,” John interrupted. He smiled gently. “Let me go first, here, okay?”
Teyla dropped her head, looked away and nodded once.
John shifted slightly in his bed so he could look at her easier. His sore body protested, but he tuned it out. “I know you’re carrying a lot of guilt over what happened to me,” he started quietly, “but, I want you to let it go.” His brows furrowed in compassion as, even with her head bowed, he spotted one tear escape her face and land on the top of her folded hands before she hastily reached up and wiped her face. “None of this is your fault,” he insisted softly.
“I… I do not agree,” Teyla’s voice was choked, “I should have been paying attention and been more careful.”
“Nope,” John immediately answered. “It was an ambush, Teyla. The whole point was to catch us by surprise.”
“It did not surprise you,” she answered.
“Hell yes, it did.” John insisted quietly. “I just happened to be facing the direction the ambush came from.” He sighed quietly, chafing at how blind luck still managed to factor into his team’s survival sometimes, in spite of his best effort to anticipate anything.
“Teyla look at me,” he insisted gently. John waited a long moment before she met his gaze. “I have no doubt that if that ambush would’ve come from the opposite direction, you would’ve spotted it and warned us.” He stared harder at her, trying to impart some of his confidence onto her. “And if a grenade would’ve landed behind me, you would’ve done the same thing.” He smiled slightly at her small nod. “That’s what a team does, Teyla; we watch each other’s six. You’ve covered my back enough times that I trust you with my life. Completely.” He reached out and squeezed her knuckles gently. “Let it go.” He let his expression turn imploring as she stared back at him.
After a long moment, her mouth turned up in a small, strained smile, her nod jerky. She swallowed hard. “Thank you for my life, John,” she whispered.
John felt his mouth pull up into a smile of his own, as warmth and affection spread through him. “Anytime,” he answered.
Teyla inhaled deeply and stood, carefully pulling her had away from his. “You must get your rest, Colonel and I believe Carson wishes to examine you.”
John grimaced. “I’m fine. I wish he’d just take my word for it.”
Teyla smiled warmly. “Rest, John, and heal. Atlantis needs you.” She bowed her head respectfully at him and left without another word.
John pushed his head further into his pillow.
“Atlantis needs you.”
He smiled as his thoughts centered on the city. Just let the IOA try to take his command away now.
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Epilogue:
“Colonel.”
The hail from behind stopped John in his tracks. He turned and found a polite smile for Colonel Caldwell, who was walking up the corridor behind him. He nodded slightly as the Daedalus commander stopped next to him. “Colonel. I was headed for the command deck.”
“So was I,” Caldwell answered. “Mind if I join you?”
John shook his head and resumed walking. “No, sir.” John let the urgency into his stride as he quickly walked down the hallway. Ever since Carson had cleared him for light duty two days ago, he’d been busting his butt trying to catch up on everything from new soldier rotations from the SGC to intel from the various Athosian agents travelling around the galaxy.
“The Daedalus is leaving at 0700 tomorrow for Earth. We’re overdue and I think everything is under control here.”
John glanced at Caldwell’s carefully neutral expression. “Yes, sir…. Well as under control as it ever is around here…” he quipped. He thought he heard a quiet chortle from Caldwell.
“True,” Caldwell answered.
John continued walking, part of him curious as to what was on the Colonel’s mind. In spite of the neutral expression, Caldwell seemed to want to say something. John settled for waiting as he wove his way through the busy corridor.
After a minute, Caldwell spoke. “Congratulations on keeping your command, Colonel. It’s… deserved.”
Caldwell’s statement stopped John in his tracks. His gaze narrowed as he faced the Colonel. He thought back to the briefing only a few days ago where Elizabeth had told him that command of Atlantis was his again. He’d assumed that it was from the moment he woke with his memories intact, but found out quickly that with the IOA, it hadn’t been that simple. John sighed quietly, mostly in relief that he was still there… and not prepping to leave on the Daedalus in the morning. “Elizabeth tells me that you had a voice in reversing the IOA’s decision about me.”
A hint of a smile played at Caldwell’s expression. “Dr. Weir and General O’Neill were the loudest voices, Colonel. The General seems to have taken a liking to you. I simply gave my recommendation.”
John felt a blush start on his neck. It wasn’t the first time the General had stood up for him, and he honestly wondered, sometimes, what he’d done to deserve it. After they’d repelled the Replicators occupation of Atlantis, Rodney had told him in a not so affectionate but typically Rodney McKay way, that he was a lot like the General, both sharing what Rodney called, flippant, annoying mannerisms. John pulled his thoughts back to the present. He looked around for a moment before again focusing on the Colonel. “With all due respect, sir, that’s not what Elizabeth said. She talked to Richard Woolsey who said you strongly insisted.”
This time, a brief flash of a smile actually touched Caldwell’s mouth. “See you in about a month, Colonel.”
John smiled back, catching the moment of slightly grudging, but still genuine, respect that touched the Colonel’s expression. Wordlessly, John returned the favor. “Have a safe trip, sir.”
Caldwell nodded once, curtly. “Thank you, Colonel.” He turned and headed towards the back stairs to the command deck.
John watched him for a moment, before he looked around at the busy corridor, his smile lingering. In spite of everything bad that had happened, there had been plenty of good too. He couldn’t see himself anywhere else but here, on Atlantis, leading his team.
And that suited him just fine.
-The End-